Wednesday, October 29, 2008

words for my heart tonite.

i needed a little stephen.......

'how seldom we go beyond the emotions,
thinking we must either express them or
suppress them, never sensing that we are
the spaciousness of being itself.'

'the mind creates the abyss. the heart
crosses it.'


his pop

i answered the phone.
i think he said one word.
maybe 'hey'......immediately i said
'what's wrong?'

it's that sound, ya know?
we've shared it too many times between us

his pop.
we gotta go.
see if we can help.

i could hear the gears turning.
airplane or car? when? what'll we do?

with any luck, we'll get his dad safe in
a nursing home.
that's with any luck.
that sucks, doesn't it?

we head out tomorrow. early.
the boys runnin' the show.
i miss them already.

how does his pop feel?
i'm leavin' my life for a few days
and know i'll miss it....

what's he leavin'?

we take our lives with us.
in any way we can.
strong ones even take them into
the nursing home.

i'm thinking he's not that strong.
and so i'll watch.

i'm sure i'll cry.
and with any luck, i'll grow.

my friend's art

so a friend shared a piece of his art today.
could one call that a piece of his soul?!
sure felt like it.

was drivin' home from the grocery store thinking
about it....
sometimes i just feel so lucky i could just pop.

there's so much that was a gift in that sharing.
the trust, the offering, the getting to see inside
him a bit, the beauty of the whole thing...

so much.

i was thinking about how we don't do that enough.

it's hard, it's's all that stuff.

but sure seems like it's the stuff of
life, doesn't it?

i know.....i know......we couldn't do it all the time.
we're just not geared for it.

but i tell ya, when it sure feels right.

oh my gosh!

was just hangin' up my clothes...
all showered, dressed and ready to
tackle the day....
turn and saw myself in the mirror.
and a thought hit me...

i'm just now tryin' to figure out what
i want to do when i grow up.
i'm tryin' to manifest my dreams.
(got that phrase from a teleconfrence
last nite)....
no. see i did that wrong.
gotta take the 'trying' out.
i'm manifesting my dreams.
thinking about where i want to go,
where i'm going, and what i want to create.

and it hit me....
when my mom was this age she was pretty
much done. she'd raised her kids, and didn't
have that 'what am i gonna be when i grow
up feelin'.' i think she had what a lotta
people have.....i'll just kinda hang out
and act like it's all okay.



i can't imagine feelin' that way right now.
sometimes i feel old...
but not THAT old!!!

and she wasn't either. my gosh, she wasn't either.
she just coasted into old from there.

ya know that quote you've seen passed around
a buncha times on the net about sliding into
the last stretch all windblown and disheveled,
screetchin' in and exclaiming 'woe~! what a ride!'??

no kidding. THAT'S what i want.

NOT coastin' in sayin' 'yeah, it was okay.'....
'i had a good life.'.....
can you hear it?!
you know the tone i'm talkin' about?!
that old person's tone who just gave up years
ago??? that tone???

i looked in the mirror and thought of all that....


it's your life.
you gonna grab it?

intertwined with the universe

i got to my 'good morning world' spot
and i saw a bird floating in the air.
i couldn't tell if she was a bird or a leaf.
i was totally intrigued and stared and watched.

she floated around and then flew up into
another air flow thingie and it was so cool to
see. i was so engrossed, i watched her fly to the
other side of the street and off in the other

turning back to my good morning sky, i gasped!

i hadn't even noticed it i was so busy with the

it was spectacular!
take your breath away gorgeous.

i stood there and thought about my life.
and how it was all up to me.
make it what i want it.

and i looked at those clouds and felt like the
world was mine. and at the same time......
like i was the world's.

it was the coolest feeling.

intertwined with the universe.

ohhhhh........what a feeling!

he laughed!

these mornings are just so beautiful and
they feel so good to be out in.
i was walkin' and soakin' it all up.
feelin' good....real good.

kinda crossed paths with the guy down
the street. close enough to holler out
a good morning to anyway.

i forget sometimes when i'm fillin' up
with these good feelings that it will
bellow out if i don't stop it. well....
it all kinda bellowed out in the good morning
i shouted.

he noticed it.


he's a serious kinda guy.
i've talked to him several times, and yeah
they've been serious occasions i've talked
to him on. real serious. but still...just his
whole aura is real um....scrunch your eyebrows
down over your eyes, crinkle up your mouth and
be serious kinda air.

my guys don't like him. and that says a lot.
i've always been sure he's a really good guy,
i feel like he'd be there for me to help me out
if i ever needed it. actually he really kinda
has already. he's a good guy.
he just needs a little lightening up.

well....we exchanged a few words this morning,
and mine were brimming with enthusiasm for the

and he laughed!
he actually laughed!!!

i have never seen him laugh!!!
i laughed just hearin' him laugh!
and my first thought???
'i gotta tell the guys!'

funny, huh?
this man has no idea that i'll be announcing
at the breakfast table that he laughed!

we matter to each other.
we just do.
and our moods and interactions with each other
really do make a difference.

and we have no idea how much, do we???

hearin' his laugh lit up my morning.
and he'll never know.

how about the 'big' things he does that he'll
never know about???

gonna think twice about my actions today!
they may matter more than i know!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

a little piece of heaven

i was thinking about a friend who is possibly
stepping onto a new path...he's cautiously considering
it. and i was thinking how fun it is to watch.

then i started thinking of all the people i've
gotten to watch start new things in their lives.
and how totally cool that is.

and then i thought of dean.
dean's a born musician.
actually he's a born artist in a lotta ways.
creativity oozes out of his soul.
music seems to be a passion tho.

he may choose another thing to do in life to
make a living. who can tell. he's only 15.
but i think no matter where he goes, he'll always
be playing music.

he fell in love with yo's drumset when he first
started visiting over here. he'd run right into my
room (yeah! it was in MY bedroom!!'s a small
house!) and he'd start bangin' away. yo would teach
him a few moves...and off he'd go.....

it took a whole year to convince his pop that it
really was a good thing to get a drum set in the house!
but we did it!

i'll never ever forget the day he got it!
we were all there.
the guys helped him set it up in his room and we
all went up to hear him play.
i sat on dean's bed and my mouth fell open.
he listened to something and then just goofed
around a moment and got it! he played it back.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?! i was stunned!

i have been teasin' him from day one that i want
free front row seats to his concerts. it's only
half a tease. i know he can do it if he wants to.
and i'll be there eggin' him on for sure.

he just started playin' the bass. he was over here
a few nites ago with josh in the living room. both
foolin' around with the music...

his dad and i smilin' in the other room.
'isn't that just the best sound?' i asked his pop....
he grinned. 'yeah, pretty nice.'

when you get to watch someone find their talent, that's
such a good thing....and when you get to watch someone
start to believe in their talent....and then trust and
believe enough to offer that talent.....well....that's
a little piece of heaven.

lovin' stephen

i'm in love with stephen levine.
i keep pickin' up his book for a tid bit
and i just sigh every time i read something.

i couldn't decide if i should type out the
few paragraphs i read or not....
decide to just go for the last two lines....

'the old who live in their body are bent
under the strain. the old who live in their
hearts are aglow.'

i love that.
i've seen that.
i've tried to put it into words.
he just did for me.....

lovin' stephen....

stepping into the sacred...

i didn't even know it was raining out.
my shades were down, hadn't heard a thing.
came into the studio...shades down there too.
dark out.

listened to a message on my phone.
had missed my guy's call this morning.
he said he was stuck in traffic in the rain.


i lit up!
ya mean i can skip my jump roping?!

i didn't know it would be such a treat to skip
it. but something in me sure lit up!

i poked my head outside.

not rainin'.
wet out. but no rain. and not wet enough
not to jump.


as i slipped from my warm pj's into my
jump rope/walkin' stuff i shivered.

THIS is the part that's hard.
leavin' the cozy....headin' out to the cold.

opened the door and went out to the dark.....

i forget that feeling every morning until i
step into it.

that incredible feeling of stepping into the

that feeling that there's sacred out there and
you're just headin' into it.....

how do i forget that every morning???

i'm kinda glad i do tho.
cause every time i step into it, i gasp.

what a beautful day!!!

is it pretty out!
it's gray out so all the colors in the trees
just kinda light up next to the gray and
knock your sox off!
that peachy orange in the trees just pops
on out! ohmygosh, it takes your breath away!

yo yo accompanied me yet again on this morning's
walk. walkin' down the street with the wind blowin',
the colors poppin' and the fresh air all around
i just got carried away.

yo yo!!! don't you just feel alive and inspired?!

my ears are cold.

yo! don't you just feel like you can wish for
anything today?!

i wish i had a hat.

yo! don't you feel like you can just make anything

i'm tryin' to make myself wake up.

oh well.
i got inspired anyway.
and yo....well he seemed to wake up thru it all.

that's a start.

i had a thought yesterday when i was tryin' to
get back into my heart.

get out of yourself, ter.
dive into things outside of yourself.

i think there's a ton to that.

and there's SO MUCH i can be diving into!

what a day out!

Monday, October 27, 2008

mary again

i'm sposed to be workin'. but i needed a food break.
it's quiet here. just me.
thought i'd catch up on some friends' blogs to see what's
up in their lives as i ate a little dinner.

ya know, i certainly am blessed with knowing some
incredible people in my life. reading all the things
goin' on in these women's lives and their thoughts and just impressed me a lot.

but then i got to mary's blog.

i haven't read it in a bit.
i posted it here before....but if you haven't
been there lately....go read her last two posts!

she's a caretaker to her elderly dad....

i'm sposed to give out some kinda awards for blogs.
i got an award and i'm sposed to pass it forward.
mary's got to have one. i'm going to email it to her
for sure.

i wish i could give her a life award. a being human
award. an award for being one of the most amazing
women i know.

and the weird thing?
i don't think she knows she is.

how come people don't know?

i was wonderin' that earlier today.
talkin' to a friend who's pretty darn incredible.
and i'm thinkin he doesn't know.

i wish i could throw this huge party and invite
all the people from all over the country i know
that are incredible and don't know it.
wish i could hand out these big gaudy glittery

that'd be kinda awesome, wouldn't it???
we'd have a delicious gorgeous vegetarian banquet.
we could all dress up all fancy and look all spiffed.
i could clunk around in high heels and try to pretend
i was used to them.....
i could tell each one how they've touched me and
how they make me better.....

for now, i'm just gonna have to point them out
when i feel moved to do so.

mary totally touched my heart tonite.
go read. and tell her she's beautiful.
she really ought to know.

i love you, mary.

warmin' my soul

sometimes i tease with my ultra logical boyfriend
that we should change brains for a day.
his body actually visibly reacts to that thought.
makes me laugh just thinking of it....
his face kind winces, his eyes kinda space out
and his whole body tightens.

oh man.
it's really not that bad.
and the things that just pop in are so wonderful!

so i'm comin' down the attic steps with some bubble
wrap and i'm thinking hard...
and what pops into my head??

the book title 'the dance of the dissident daughter.'
don't you love that title???
i walked back to my studio thinkin' i was prolly
just that...the dissident daughter.
and ya felt kinda good.

have no idea why that popped in. but it did.
so i held it.

while i remember loving that book, there's only one
line i remember from it.
and it's a whopper.

'my soul is my own.'

is that a line or what?!

say it out loud.

my soul is my own.

did you do it?
i did.
i just said it out loud.

kinda awesome.

even my ultra logical boyfriend would like that one.

think i'm just gonna hold on to that one for a bit
over here....feel it warm my hands a bit.....
and warm my soul. that soul of mine that's my own.


amazing grace

so i'm tryin' to find my way back into my heart,
ya know?

josh is in the room next to me practicin' amazing

i love that song.
just love it.

many different reasons.

was unpacking some mats and thought...ya know......
i want to hear that.......
so i hopped on youtube and grabbed all kindsa
different versions and just wasn't hittin' anything
i liked.

was standin' up to go make lunch when i did a random
pop on some kid. what the heck. click.

how'd she do that???
she bellowed it out.

SHE was the one.
SHE was the one that touched my heart.

and she's 'nobody.'

yeah. you know what i mean.

not famous.
not grown up.
just there.

a kid.

kids are everything aren't they???

kids are so cool. she was inbetween kid and
young woman....that inbetween stage.

and the little terri part of me uncurled
her self and sat right on up......

the song.
the young girl.
the part inside of me.
it all swirled together.........


amazing grace.
how sweet the sound....


more wisdom from stephen levine.....

'those who give from themselves burn out.
those who give from the source are nourished
in the giving. approaching the well, they
enter intuition, sensing the subtleties
of another, responding from the heart, not
the mind.'

maybe i'm tired cause i've been too in the

gonna go wander my way back into my heart......

my sweet apes

just wasn't feelin' myself this morning.
was gonna head out for a walk.
but first, i wanted to check in with the
guys and tell them i needed a gentle kinda
you gotta tell the apes that as it can get
to be testosterone overload around here.

grabbed them all and gathered them in the
hallway. told them i was headin' out to
find myself as i seemed to have disappeared.

(sometimes i wonder what it's like growin'
up here!!!)

yo smiled that gorgeous smile of his and said
'i'll come.' and he came over and wrapped an
arm around me.


that felt good.

told him nope, to go do his thing, i was fine
on my own. not a problem.

no one's listening.
zakk says 'i'll come too.'

now this is big.
zakk is not your early morning walker.
it's rare.
really rare.
and for him to volunteer.......way rare.

josh figured they had me covered and was
headin' to a hot shower! grin. good choice
on his part.

so i walked with yo and zakk.
and i felt the goodness of just havin' them

we laughed. we shoved a bit as we walked and
i teased them a lot.

it wasn't the introspective finding myself i
thought i would do....
it was better.
way better.

gonna soak myself in the good energy in this
house and just allow myself to be.

not a bad plan....not a bad plan at all......

Sunday, October 26, 2008

my heart

we've come sooooooo far it's amazing.

he declined the play today, and i didn't mind at all.

he was shootin' clay things you throw in the air
while i was drivin' down and i was tickled for him
that he could get out and have some time to himself.

as i pulled into the theater, he called to tell me
his shooting stories and i was laughing and eggin' him

we've definitely come a long way together.

passin' thru his town on the way home. he was just
finishin' grocery shopping. popsicles in the car.
just enough time to stop in the parking lot for a hug
and report of the day.

i ran to give him a hug.
missed him.
his eyes were tired.
that sad tired they get.

when i see that look, i always want to be there for
him. to make him smile. i so wish i could take some
of the stuff away for a little while...
it's so hard to watch.

he caught me up on things.
i played with his shirt a lot.
moving the fabric here and there as i listened.
nothing helpful to say.

made him laugh, told him i loved him. and watched
him go on his way....

i wish i had something to give him to make it all okay.

and then i remember that bone sigh. funny, wasn't even
written for him. was written for a friend in rehab....
but it sure means something to me tonite...and it's all
about him......

i give you my heart....
sometimes i just don't think it's enough....
and then sometimes i know it's everything.

her play....

took a break today and ran out to see a play
that a friend of mine actually wrote!! how
cool is that?!

i bumped into her in the lobby and she grabbed
me to join her. i gasped! you mean i get to
sit with you?!! i felt famous!

it was so inspirational!
based on a book called 'a hope in the unseen.'
true story of a young black guy growin' up in the
ghetto and gettin' himself to brown university,
and makin' his way back to work in the ghetto.

the cast was almost entirely black. the audience
mixed, but mostly white. there was a questons/comment
time afterwards. in the audience was an older white
woman who actually taught at the school where the
story was based for twenty years!!! her comments
brought tears to my eyes. someone asked the cast
what they got out of the experience. their comments
brought me to tears. some of the lines in the play
brought me to tears.

i was a wee bit teary! and way inspired!

i so loved the mix of black and white and what was
being said among everyone. it was definitely a really
positive moment.

ya know, i don't have a problem in the world.
yeah, i've budgeted big time, and i know what it's
like to do without some stuff.....and i may have to
do that again....but i don't know what it's like to
be really poor. and as i listened to the mom in that
play i just cried.

the actress who played the mom commented on that afterwards.
how none of us know hardship like what that woman knew.
no kidding.
no stinkin' kidding.

my friend stood up and answered questions like an ol'
pro. well, she is an ol' pro. and i was so proud of her!

hugged her at the end and got teary all over again. told
her how proud i was of her. to create something like that...
to bring something to life like that that could touch us all.
well, i was just way way proud.

i'm inspired, i'm teary, i'm proud, and i'm hungry!
what a great combination!


i'm workin' hard over here...and some of that work
includes some sappy stuff. sendin' some love to some
different people. how amazing that's part of the job?!

i was just writing a card to a woman who lost her son.
i've never met her....and i'm tryin' to say something
to touch her hand.

i have this goofy visual i do.
sometimes when i want to connect, i picture touching
my hands to that person. my palms. because it's with
the palms of my hands i can feel them.
when i don't know them, i figure the very best i can
do is touch my fingertips to them. and that's really good
too cause i can feel them ever so gently.

and so when i try to connect, always in my head somewhere
is a fingerip or hand visual. a feeling and a picture.

i went to sign this card and started to write 'love' and
then hesitated for a split second. then wrote it with
conviction. it is with love that i send it.

and i smiled.
i'm getting stronger in love.
in feeling it, in letting it in, in offering it freely.

sometimes i get so lost in my journey that i don't realize
there's changes happening. i always see the self doubt
and the things i kick myself for. i rarely see the progress.
today, i'm seein' some progress. and it's in love...if
i could have progress anywhere, that's where i'd pick.

feelin' ever so grateful.....

upside down sunflower or hippie chick zinnia?

the view out my window at my desk here is
breathtaking this morning.

the rain knocked my mexican sunflower around a bit
and now a beautiful orange flower is hanging upside
down in front of me.

my zinnias are leaning over into my view from the
other side. they're shooting right on up to the sky
tho. these flowers crack me up. i have
never seen such hippie chick odd flowers in my life.
and then there's yellow leaves all behind them.


josh just left to go on a leaf excursion. to the
mountains....i soooo want to go with him.

can't today. obligations.

i sit here and look out my window and feel a bit
like this upside down sunflower just hangin' there...

i'm not in the mood for obligations.
but my gosh, it all so ties together. i gotta do
this so i can do this so this can happen so this
can happen so i can be ready to do this.

it feels kinda like a big 'ugh' right now.
but there's a pretty big goal at the end of it all.
i want to free up some time so i can go with my
guy if he has to go move his pop into a nursing home.

that's a big thing.
not sure yet if it's happening. everything's up
in the air. it's just a matter of time. maybe this
week, maybe later....just a matter of time. i want
to be ready so i can be there for them.

when i sit back and think of that.....and realize
how hard his pop has it right now, i think that
maybe i'd better get a grip and do what i need to

maybe i'd better do more than that.
i've got a day today.
i can move around freely, do what i need to,
don't need assistance, am not scared of fallin'
down, and not watchin' my last bit of independence
fade away....

i've got it great today.
i'm lookin' at those goofy hippie chick zinnias
out the window reachin' up to the sky.

think it's time for this droopy sunflower self to
transform into a zinnia. gonna reach to the sky and
make the day great.....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

my safe spot

it doesn't really seem fair.
since he's my safe spot he gets to be the place
i kinda crash.
that doesn't seem to be good payback to someone
who makes you feel safe.

i try to make up for it in other ways, but sometimes
i wonder about it....

he said he can see it. he can watch the tension just
kinda wash off as the day goes on together. he can feel
the closed parts begin to open...

funny how darn well he knows me.

so there were a couple of crashes today. some were just
releasin' a lotta tension of things built up. one was
just sadness over a certain situation....

what's amazing to me is in between there's laughter,
practical talk, serious life talk, total goofiness, horse
play and even plain ol' quiet. we cover it all.

we were hangin' in the living room with the guys tonite,
he and i sittin' on the couch next to each other. i was
teasin' him and looked over at him, he looked back...
and we stared square at each other.

it was the weirdest thing....i just felt this strong solid
thing we shared.

oh yeah, i guess we'd call that a relationship.

it felt really strong and real.
and yeah, it should have after all we shared that day.
i just don't remember being struck with it quite that way.
there it was.
right there in his eyes.

sometimes i really can see this work we do together,
it actually does pay off!

feels kinda good......

tea spittin' laughter

josh came in to the studio yesterday as i
was workin. he needed to talk about something.
i drank my tea as he talked. i was stressed,
and pretty much overdone. he knew it.
right in the middle of this serious talk,
as i was drinkin' that tea, he said something
that totally cracked me up.

i spit my tea out!

lady like, i know.
grown up and mature, i know.

it was either that or die.

if josh can get me to spit my food or drink
out, he feels he's earned an award.
and yeah, he manages it once in a blue moon.
his whole face lights up, he claps and he laughs
real loud. it's an accomplishment he relishes.

so there i was, spittin' tea all over my desk
and laughin.

i was thinking about that this morning.

it's not like i spit food and drink out all the
time, honestly. but the ones who get me gut
laughin' are my guys.

i don't know why.
the relationship with them is just so very real.

i find myself hoping we'll have it always.
and then i think of the post on hope below.
just live in the moment ter. and enjoy what you've
got now.

think i'll go see if i can get josh to laugh
rice milk out his nose.


when i grabbed that book last nite, i grabbed it hoping
(interesting word) to find what he said about 'hope.'
i didn't find it.

this morning, first thing, it was right in front of me.

i'm not sure i can just plunk down a few pieces of it
and have it make sense here in a blog.
but i want to put it out here anyway.

the whole concept of hope confuses me.
i see it as a good thing. you gotta have hope, ya know?

but he mentions it as a bad thing.
no. that's not right. he doesn't call things bad.
maybe a thing that keeps the mind from being present.

it was on my mind yesterday. i was seein' it as a bad
thing. as a thing that brought pain.
see, i'm not as cool as him. i go to 'bad' and it
takes awhile to see it from his view.

so. the whole topic confuses me....
and maybe the describing it as 'bad' is part of the
confusion. if you describe it as something that keeps
you from the present, yeah, that makes sense.
that makes total sense.

here's some tidbits....
'hope is born of fear, of wanting.
only when we are without fear will we be able to
live without hope.'

'...all holding to future possibilities creates
a painful inability to enter the present. hope
causes us to kill ourselves again and again.'

and here's a side sentence that grabbed me...
'to allow beings to enter into your heart, you
can eliminate no part of them.'

i don't know.
i love it all when i read it. i love it when i
sit and think about it.
and then i go and try to practice it.
i just fall flat on my face.

i think today will be a good day to practice it
a bit. the challenges i want to apply this stuff
to will be near enough, but not so near that i
should get totally lost.

maybe i can remember some of this. and maybe
i can work on just accepting all the feelings inside
me. and allow everyone to be.

well.....prolly not.
but i can try.
it seems worth the try......

Friday, October 24, 2008


ya know.
i'm a wimp.
just a huge wimp.

i try to hold this wisdom stuff i read.
i try to let go of things that i can't hold.
i try to watch what i'm doin' and adjust
as i go along.

and still.....wimp.

just hung up with someone that means the world
to me. and darn if she's not havin' some scary
health problems.

she was before and i ran. there's a blog in here
somewhere about that.
i ran away because i don't want to lose her.
brilliant, huh?

so that would be wimp and what?
scaredy cat??

scaredy cat wimp.

oh i know.
i know.
don't call yourself names, ter.

it's true tho.

i'm not runnin' again.
that would be stupid.
and i'm not stupid.

there. ya see?
something positive.

i felt the fear again tho.
i felt it rise right up.

i wish i was better at letting people go.
i'm not so good at that.
i suck at that, actually.


what did mister levine say below?
to allow the grief to penetrate as it will
while keeping open to the perfection of the

can you imagine if you can pull that one off???

opening the heart and keeping it open....
hardest thing i can think of.

wisdom from stephen levine....

was driving to meet the guys for dinner
and i was feeling really heavy and sad.
i didn't want to meet them this way.
it's sposed to be a fun dinner. so i
reached for my drug of choice.

caffeine always makes me crazy and makes
me laugh. the boys will hand me a soda when
they think i'm grouchy or sad. 'get her a
soda, bro. she needs one.'

i looked at the clock. are you crazy, terri?!
you'll be up all nite.
i don't care. dinner will be fun, and i'll get
some work done tonite.

so i drank sodas and laughed with my boys.

but as soon as it got quiet, i started thinking
again. i remembered the book i mentioned earlier.
'who dies.'
that book is packed full of wisdom.

i grabbed it.
i'm sure i'm going to be sharing bits and pieces
of it for a long time now....

here's what i just got out of it and am going to hold
while i work.

'this is perhaps the most difficult of the balancing
acts we come to learn; to trust the pain as well as
the light, to allow the grief to penetrate as it will
while keeping open to the perfection of the universe.'


i got work to do.

floaty things

he's one of my favorite authors.
stephen levine. buddhist guy who wrote
'who dies.'
if you haven't read it, i highly recommend it.

he's always talkin' about steppin' outta yourself
and lookin' and watchin and sayin' 'who is it that's
feelin' scared?' or whatever.

so i was edgy.
knew why.
knew it was yet another control issue.
jeesh. i am one heck of a control freak.
so was walkin' and lettin it go....

and i scrathed my ear.
and it started.

who is it who's got an itchy ear?
who is it who's lips taste like good and plenty?
who is it who's edgy?
who is it who's tired?
who is it who sees heaven?

and on and on i went....

it was the most awesome thing.

i'm always tryin' to find my 'core.'
who i really am.

apparently, that's typical of my personality.
but ya know what, it's kinda dumb.

cause that core is a whole lotta floaty things
that change constantly....

and as i walked i saw how floaty it all was....
or at least i saw a little bit of how floaty it
all was....

thought it was kinda cool.
the control didn't seem so important anymore........

heaven in my pockets

i was looking down at the road. lost in thought,
i guess.

car drove by. i looked up to wave.
as i looked up i shook the hair outta my face,
over my shoulder.

me eyes followed the direction, and i saw heaven.

i stopped.


i was right at a turn into a street that i usually
walk by. it's a great street as it gives you
a good view of the sky.

and there it was. in all its splendor.

i stopped and just looked.
and then i headed down that street.
walkin' into heaven.

i saw a tiny airplane way up there in the clouds.
i could just imagine everyone reading their darn
newspapers and magazines and not seein' the sky.

'LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!!!' i screamed to them inside
my head.

then thought about it.....
the only one you can get to see is you, ter.

the sky mellowed out and got all pastel and soft.
and i went back in my other direction.

got to the highway and there was another spot of heaven.
right there. in the sky. it looked like a hole leading
right on up. i actually made a noise out loud when
i saw it!

turning back towards home, the sky got gray. kinda somber.
my mood did too.
and then again......
i turned yet another corner and gasp!
ANOTHER dose of heaven!


i thought of the edginess i left the house with.
thought of the reasons and tried to let it all go...
i don't think you can carry heaven in your pocket
when you're edgy.

and i'm thinking i was handed heaven so many times
this morning that i absolutely have to tuck it in
all my pockets!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

his first student

so he's got his first student tonite.
right now, as a matter of fact.

told him i'd send him some good vibes.
he said he was nervous.

it's a possible new path for him....
something that could take him somewhere
he enjoys....

i so hope it works well for him.

i'm headin' back to an order and thinking
about new paths, steppin' out in trust,
putting yourself out there....

it's a forever thing, isn't it?
maybe it's when we stop doin' that...
maybe then we get old....

maybe living is constantly stepping.

and maybe joyful living is constantly stepping
with gratitude.

and maybe blessed living is when you get to
watch your friends take their first steps
in a new direction.


she tells me some sad story about someone losing their
home. she lowers her voice and says real hesitantly
'are you doin' okay?'

'yeah, we're gonna make it just fine.' i say.

we talk of the economy and jobs and finances.

hangin' up i go back to the order i'm workin' on.

the focus has been staying out of the fear, and stepping
into the flow....

and you don't have to tell me that a huge part of the flow
is gratitude. i totally believe you can't have that flow
without it.

tonite tho......i'm overcome with it.

i am sitting in my house...and yeah, i've been a little
leery about the heating bills coming up....but we'll have
heat. and we'll have a home.

and that's more than a whole lotta people have.

i feel sorta selfish having been so fearful.
when what i shoulda been is grateful.

okay, shouldas.
it is/was what it is/was.

but tonite i'm understanding how lucky i am.
and i'm bowing to the universe in gratitude.

her kiss

havin' a memory that matters to me....

a bone sigh was written from this moment.
and it's one that led someone to think i was
lesbian. i got a kick out of that. nope. i'm not.
but i could definitely see the thought process.

the bone sigh is called 'her kiss'
and it goes like this:

'you have taught me the strength of tenderness.'

the story to that little line was pretty powerful
to me. it was years and years ago when things were
really dark for me.

i was at a holiday gathering that claimed to be
filled with love, but it felt anything but.
it was so hard for me to get thru it, and it
hurt so badly. when along came up a special someone
and she leaned over and she kissed my cheek just
really lightly.

she saw the pain, she saw the exclusion, and she
leaned over to let me know she saw me and she cared.

that was it.

but it was so incredibly powerful that it was all i could
do not to break down in tears. she was so soft, so gentle,
and it felt to me like she broke thru some really weird
barrier...that her strength and compassion reached over the barrier
to touch me. it moved a mountain inside me that day.

you have taught me the strength of tenderness....

it made all the difference in the world to me,
and i have never forgotten the power of it.

the power of tenderness....
something that we might forget sometimes........
something i want to always remember.

faint on the floor with me....

cleanin' thru a mountain of papers and sippin'
blueberry tea.......
just thinking it couldn't get any better when
i come across the printout of clarissa's letter.
it's mentioned in a blog awhile ago with a link
to it....

just had to put this sentence out there again.

'one of the most calming and powerful actions you
can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand
up and show your soul. '

gosh, i love that.

okay. now grab this.
a quote a shop owner recently sent me:

'don't ask yourself what the world needs. ask yourself
what makes you come alive, and then go out and do that,
because what the world needs is more people who have
come alive.'


last one...

she put out a question her great grandmother asked
her, 'do you know who i am?' and she says she thinks
a lot about how she'd like to answer that question....

okay, put that all together and faint on the floor with
me. cause i am just taken silly with these quotes!

what a journey~!
just want to grab it and be all i can be, ya know???

and i see how easily i doubt myself. one little stumble,
i doubt myself and figure i should change.....

a little blueberry tea, a few quotes, and i'm feelin'
empowered again..........

a witches stew pot

the first mistake was putting on good & plenty
flavored chap stick before i headed out.
mmmmmmm i love that stuff.

second mistake was not havin' a plan for my
attack of the body issues.

but it worked out in the end.....
and i don't think i could have come up with this
plan beforehand if i tried!

off i toddled figurin' if i'm in, i'm in and
let's get started.

yeah. right.
this is only the issue that i've planned on never
touching. like i'm gonna concentrate.

i tried.
but everything distracted me.
and if something didn't come along to distract,
i just licked my lips and got distracted by the
good and plenty flavor. mmmmmm i love that stuff.

at one point, i dove in.
went to the obvious place.
the things people have said along the way that have
crushed me at different times.
they came up easily, i remembered them well.
got indignant and thought of how people have no right
to say these kinda things to anyone.
and then i immediately went to the idea that i had no
right to hang on to them.

but, i countered, it's like they're inside of me.
i don't mean to keep them there, but they're in there.

well, then pop them out.

and i pictured holding up a big fabric filled with my
cells....a whole beautiful pattern of my cells holding
these darn memories.
pop those stinkin' memories out, ter.


ohhhhhhh i love this good and plenty stuff....
wandered off for a bit...

back to it.
other things started floodin' in.

ohmygosh this is complicated.

my upbringing, my parent's hang ups.
my religion.
my feelings about being a girl.
unhealthy messages about bein' a girl.
on and on it went.

ohhhhh this is complicated.
oh, look at that squirrel!
mmmmm i like this good and plenty stuff.

back to it.
okay. what do i do with all of this?
it's a ton! an absolute ton.
how do i sort thru it?

'make a stew out of it' comes to mind.

okay....what the heck.

a huge big black witches pot comes
to mind. we'll make a stew.
i picture my fabric of cells. hold that over
the stew pot and pop in all those negative comments
i got along the way. pop them in almost like giant
tic tacs.

need some juicy sloppy stuff.....
oh that's easy.......society's messages about sexuality.
that's nice and juicy sloppy.

this is the best.......i picture my mom and dad as
salt and pepper shakers!! hold them over the pot and
shake out all the dysfunctional messages i got about
bein' female.

what about the religion part??
ohhhhh that's gotta be thick and heavy..........
pour dark molassesy stuff in.

startin' to get into this......
realize that i can spend a few days workin' on the stew
and get specific and really throw in stuff that has
affected me. grab the jars of stuff and heap them in.

but what do i do with this???
what will i do when i'm done mixin' it???

pictured it ending up like a thick tar.
make a road! make a road that can take you somewhere.
noooooo it's gotta be a bridge!
i want it to be a bridge.

and i know just who the pillars of this bridge will
be i say with an evil smile.

ohhhhh this is gonna be way fun.

get it all out, go thru it, walk thru it, pull it down
and mix it up and then walk over it to another place...
a place of self love.

i'm actually likin' this.
not dreadin' it.
i want to give it the time it deserves.
gonna work on the stew for a bit here.
and then work on the spreadin' it out and then.......
eventually i'm walkin' right on top of it
and leavin it behind.

it's a plan.
and it's a weird one.
could just work.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


so i noticed something tonite....

and i wondered what it meant....

and i felt like maybe i had something to do with it....

and i felt bad.
and i questioned myself.
and i doubted myself.

and i wanted to ask about it.

and then i stopped.

and i remembered a bone sigh i wrote a long time ago.

i was doin' art at my kitchen table. all alone in the house.
kinda talkin' to the universe as i worked.
and asked to learn grace.

i actually asked for that.
will i never learn?

within an hour, i began to hear about things that would
tear me up. and i struggled. and struggled. and struggled.

and i came up with this bone sigh:

'maybe grace is figuring out it's not all about you.
that people are doing what they're doing for their own
not yours.
and maybe grace is accepting that.'

that was a lotta years ago i wrote that.

and i'm pullin' it out tonite and remembering it.

you can't control everything, ter.
you can't control much of anything.

but you can learn grace.
and maybe in the process you'll live love.

one step at a time.
one baby step at a time.

holding the gift.

i cuddled up next to him and told him the
ins and outs of my emotion packed day.
he really is my best friend. it felt so good
to be snuggled in close fillin' him in.
hearin' his comments and grunts and laughs....

he was a lot quieter about his day.
some things are gettin' to him. and he just
didn't want to go there.

i'm learnin'.
we didn't have to.
i knew what was up and just let it be.

man, have we come a long way in learnin' each
other's habits and took a lotta
bumps to learn them...but we've come far.

we shared closeness, laughter, and even the
practical 'weatherizing your home for winter' tips.

and then he headed back to the rest of his life.

we had talked earlier about our life together that
we hope for in a few years...

and i remembered a really sad memory.
of someone who was finally going to let me back
in his life...but not yet. just wait another month,
and then he would.

he died before that month was up.

i shared the memory.
we talked of the now. and the need to enjoy the now.

as he heads back to where he has to go....
i'm thinking we're doin' it.
the best we can........i think we're doin it.

what a dance it is.
and i wouldn't trade it for anything.

what a day.......

sometimes i gotta laugh at myself.....
i am such an over emotional nutcase.

i was just gettin' a cup of tea for myself
when there was a knock at the door.
my buddy's the j's witnesses came by.

there's this one who's a regular.
i just like her. she's a good soul.
have known her for years.

so she and another woman popped in to
give me my words of wisdom for the day.

she knows i'm busy so she keeps it kinda

she gave me a list of questions and asked
me which i wanted to know the answer to.

oh. if only i saw life as that easy.

so i picked.

what happens to you when you die?

silly, ter.
don't you know better??

too close of a question to me right now.

so she shared her beliefs with me and asked me
if i saw the comfort in them and what i thought
of it all.

i got teary.
told her i couldn't tell her cause i wouldn't go
there til after she left. told her i was teary
today and told her who i was thinking of.
she knew of a loss of mine.
told her i refused to think about it in front of
her as i would just cry.

i'm chucklin' just thinking of this.
she's so sweet.
comforted me a bit and then
got right up and said she'd let me think.

i love her heart.

mine can be pretty goofy at times.

i went and brought all that up.

will i ever learn??

so, now i'm ponderin' death.....

what a day!!!

trustin' again

did i just say i'm in?
throw what you will, universe?

why do i say things like that???

i'm still in.
and i'm gonna trust.

listening to a song right now that brings
back a ton of memories....brings up a few
new things...and definitely creates a mood
inside me.

nowhere man.

always created a mood inside me that i can't

and it's perfect right now.

when you trust and really throw it all up to
the wind........then you can live.

i want to live.

gonna trust and throw myself into my day........

the last frontier....

i have a friend who used to point out all
the time that when i put something out to the
universe, i got pretty quick responses.

what the heck does all that mean?
i don't know.
i'd ask outside myself, and somehow i'd feel
some kinda guidance.i don't know any more
than that.

when she'd say that i never knew what to answer
back. i'd usually mumble something like
'yeah, seemed kinda fast, huh?'

i was just in the shower. man, nothin' like a hot
shower on a chilly mornin'.

and what should happen??? i spontaneously start
singin' a love song to myself.
first of all, the courage it takes to write this
blog must not be overlooked!
i feel a bit stupid.....
but i'm in for the ride.....
so here we go.
i rarely claim bravery.
this morning, i do.
this is me bein' brave....

as i sang the song, i thought of the body image

the last frontier.

honest to pete, i stay away from that frontier with
all my might. i try never to go near it.

too many deep seated issues, to hard to get thru,
don't wanna touch it.

so there i am, singing this song, thinking....
ohhhhhh the body issues, ter. you're gonna have
to face them.

no way.
i've been plannin' on dyin' without touchin' those
issues. not happenin'. forget it.

yeah......but what about what you just said....
you're in for the ride, take you where you need to go....

how you ever really gonna help another woman out if
you can't help yourself out???

that is so not fair.

and the song rises up again and i sing some more....

it's over.
i know it.

one reason i stay away from those issues is i know how
i work. if i get the foot in the door, then i'm in.
then i start mullin' and thinking and workin'.
so i've been keepin' my feet at a way safe distance
from that door.

the toes got in this morning.

and so.
the last frontier just showed itself to me....

body issues.

can i do it?
can i face all that stuff?

i said i was in for the ride.......
this sure seemed kinda weird comin' up just now.
i said i'd be alert, open, willing.....

and so there ya go........
i'm gonna hang on and take the ride......
and i'm gonna face something i've been dreading......

what the heck.
how bad can it be?

i know.

hang on, ter.......the ride gets bumpy.........
what the heck.
who wants a smooth ride anyway?!

yeah.......i do.......
oh well........

take me, lead me, show me........

a series of things yesterday....

think it started with talkin' to him about
grabbin' his life and doin' what felt good.
to talk like that, i gotta reach into my own
well of that stuff and pull that out....

i touched that inside me and stirred it up
real good.

then a conversation with a shop owner friend
about perspectives and keepin' mine straight.

then a note from a new shop owner that filled
me with inspiration....

woke up feelin' kinda empowered.
tellin' my guy about it this morning on the
phone. finish my story. there's a pause.
then he says 'it's been a long time since i've
heard you like this....'

yeah, i think to myself......two years.

run upstairs and bump into yo and zakk. zakk
asks me how i'm doin'. empowered! i squeal and
start jabbin' him. his eyes go wide. he says
'you know, it's been a long time since you've
been like this.'

two years! i say loudly!

what is it with all these guys?!

it's been two years, okay?!

so i walked....and i threw it all out to the
universe. like the old days...

lead me, take me, show me.....

BUT i insist....i do NOT need to be kicked in
the teeth this time.

i'll do my part.
i will be open, alert, and willing......
just no teeth get kicked in.

and so i struck up another deal with the universe

take me, lead me, show me.......

i'm in.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

flat on the floor

wow, did i get sappy tonite.

i listened to a song that brings things
up outta my depths.....and man, does it
make me cry.

i thought of love that i wanted so badly
and it just wasn't in the cards....
not gonna happen....had to let it go.

and i thought how i found love. how someone
really loves me and how incredible that is
to me. and i have no idea how to thank
him for the gift of that.....

i was just walkin' around the house feelin'
all sappy and i walked back in the studio
here. got a couple things sitting here that
i need to attend to tomorrow....
and i read the notes on my desk from these
people......and the love between us is so
fabulous.....and they're people i work with!!!

ever feel so lucky you could just fall flat
on the floor with the overwhelm of it all?!

love is all around.
it may not have been in places i had wanted
it really bad....but it's in places i had
no idea it would be......

and it's there. part of my life.
and i'm feelin' so overwhelmed i think i gotta
go fall flat on the floor!

honoring ourselves

we both really dig the workin' together thing
we got goin'.
she's a shop owner, i'm a supplier....
yet together, we create so much more!

she sends people my way....i share sales.
i hear from people how great she is.
sometimes we scheme to do something nice
for someone comin' thru the's all good.
it's all way good.

i just put together a business card for
her and i.
it was an accident.
i was making something for one of her customers.
a business card with a quote he could give out
to his clients...put the quote on one side...
what to put on the other side???

it was a gift. i really didn't want to advertise
bone sigh arts. it was a gift. not an advertisement.

but then it hit me.....
how about HER shop and my website (she doesn't
have a website, or yes, i woulda put that on there!)
it's a no brainer. a big 'of course, what else would
you do?'
but i had never done that before.
and it was SUCH a tickle!

she got them today.
called me to tell me.
and we both got to talkin' about it like kids.
we were both excited.

on the side with our info it says:

'it's time. honor yourself."
and then our info.

what's cool about that is it just happened.
'it's time' is the name of the quote.
'honor yourself' is something i try to spread
everywhere i can.....

put them together as that seemed cool...
and then our stuff.

and we were both kinda struck with how the
honoring ourselves included honoring the other.

how one of the most incredible things we do is
work together.....really try to work with each
other and make it about more than just ourselves.

it's so much more than just ourselves, isn't it?
and when you combine with others to offer what
you can......i don't just seems really
really powerful.

in honoring ourselves, we honor each other.

that is so darn cool.

a gorgeous day

so we sat in one of my favorite places
in the world and talked. caught up and
shared stories.

how can 28 years really have passed since
i'd seen him? and how is it i could still
see that teenage guy in him?

that's so cool.

i think i really like those yinyangy statements
like: life is long, life is short.
that seems so true to me.

and how about this one? everybody changes, nobody
really changes. that seemed so true today.

we have traveled far, seen a lot, and no way are
the same....and yet there was so much that was
the same....

i can't quite figure out how it all works.
and how it really is that i've grown up.

hard to wrap my mind around.

something that stayed the same that i really
there was goodness between us.
there always was.

goodness between people.
i don't think i've ever put it that way in my
head or thought of it that way before.

but i did today.
and i really liked it.

it couldn't have been more gorgeous today....
weather-wise or friendship-wise.

driving home i thought of all the twists and turns
of life....
there is just no way to figure it out, is there?

sometimes i really like that....

a fun day....

today's gonna be fun!
i get to meet the man who used to
be the boy that i had a crush on all thru
high school.

yeah, yeah, i had a thousand crushes....and
i really did....but he was always at the top
of the list. always.

i scared him to death tellin' him all that...
prolly shoulda kept it to myself. but how
can you not tell someone that?!
i would be rememberin' that on my death bed
if someone ever told me that!! it's so fun.
and if you didn't think you mattered back
then, well it tells you different. kinda cool.

and i can tell him because like um.......
that was about thirty thousand years ago.
he's totally safe.

there's families on both sides and partners
and the only interest is friendship....
which is also way cool. i see his name in my
email box and kinda shake my head. life is
too weird.

would i have believed this if you told me
when i was sixteen? nahhh no way.

first of all, i'd never believe i could really
be this old!

i've been lookin' back a who that
sixteen year old girl was and how far she's

i never ever ever coulda predicted the road....
the first part, yeah. pretty predictable.
it was that waking up i did along the way....
ohhhhhh not sure you can predict that or anything
after that!

as i look back at all that, i see the tiny wakin'
ups along the way. the tiny things that led to
the big one.

do you only have one big one? or do they keep
comin'? do you keep wakin' up???

i feel like i keep gettin' knocked out and then
wakin' up!!! not sure that counts.

one way or another, as i look at the whole darn
journey so far, i like where i've come to and where
i seem to be headin'....

life is weird....and very very good.
gonna be a fun day!

Monday, October 20, 2008


wow! it got chilly.
i had trouble warmin' up last nite.
gettin' up looked like it might be a problem.
why does it seem darker when it's colder???

goin' out in my back yard to jump rope this
morning seemed a stretch....
oh what the heck....

i jumped fast and warmed right up.
ahhhhhh that felt good.

then onto the walk....
out in shorts and a tee shirt and gloves.
really gotta come up with a better system...

i walked faster than usual. felt good.
got to the corner by the highway....the grass
all frosty, the colors all autumny, the cars
all zoomin....

it really is a new season.
they seem to sneak up on me.
not this time.
this time i've been watchin' it.
and yet, somehow it's still surprising me.

it really is getting cold.
it really does keep turnin' and movin'.

i don't know why i can't get used to that.
it's like i keep thinking everything will
slow down or stay the same.

it never does.....

and it continues...

so there she was, sounding good on the phone
tellin' me about a horrible accident she was
in that day. to everyone's amazement, she walked
away from it with just some minor cuts and bruises.

i just stuck to the report and how she was feelin.
didn't' delve deeper. partly because of tact,
partly because i'm not sure i wanted to.

she's not too thrilled with living right now,
and i'm not sure how much she rated walkin' away
from this as a gift.

so i walked and thought about perspectives.

is it a gift or a burden?
is it a miracle or a curse?

i'm thinking the enlightened would tell me
it just is.

that shows me how far from enlightenment i
am....i usually have an opinion beyond it
just is.

are we here for a reason or we just fillin'
does everyone have a purpose?
or do some people just make one up and go
with it?

i walked and grinned...
this mid life crisis of mine continues....
i still have no answers.
and i'm still wonderin'.
and i'm still lost.

i'm just gettin' a lot more comfortable
with lost.

maybe lost just is.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

confessions of a pig

i'm the first person to tell you what i do wrong.
yep. i'll let ya know real easily.
but i wouldn't naturally put 'pig' on the list.
i think i'm pretty neat and clean....
until the days i decide to actually do some
real cleaning.

oh. my. gosh.

i am a pig!

how does anyone keep their house clean?!!!
where do they get the time?!!

i've been workin' for hours and hours and my gosh....
have barely touched the surface.

i washed curtains today, even cleaned out the
medicine cabinet. i rarely get like this.
which is why i'm a pig.

but i actually enjoyed it. had a time limit.
knew i'd stop at a certain time so i could
come down here and do some bone sigh work....

maybe it was the time limit,maybe it's this
gorgeous day, maybe it's taking care of the
things that matter to me....

but i loved it.
i kept thinking about all i have as i cleaned.
and as i made a pile of stuff to give away
and throw out...i kept thinking about all that
i have.

my gosh. there's no lack of stuff, that's
for sure.

i think maybe we (or at least me) forget how
rich we really live....

feelin' very lucky right now......
amazing what a little cleaning can do for
your spirit......

Saturday, October 18, 2008

one of those days....

we don't get a heck of a lot of time together,
but saturday's we claim for us.

that can be wonderful and it can be tough.
sometimes it's just a lotta pressure:
'here's your day, you'd better make it good.'
and that's not so good. can make me crazy.

some days it's just terrific.

today was one of the terrific ones.

he had had a long, tough week. told him it would
be his day, whatever he wanted to do, we would do.

i was rushin' around my studio when i heard him
come in. threw some stuff in their spots, and headed
up to meet him.
bumped into him in the hallway....

he was standin' there with flowers for me and his
face was full of love.

i just hugged him.

and it only got better from there....

i had him in mind all day. wanted to make him smile
and laugh and forget his week. he just wanted to
be together.

there have been moments when i know we touch love
together....there have been intense moments when i
know i've touched something beyond us, and there have
been ordinary practical times where i feel something
so deep between us, it just flows thru me.

i still don't have words for love and what i think it
is and what it's all about....
sometimes, purely by accident, i find myself living it....

today was one of those days.
one of those drop on your knees days cause you know
you touched something beyond you.....

funny, it looked like a regular ol' day
on the outside.

amazing what can go on in the inside.

josh's blog

i love havin' sons.

and when one of my sons steps out and tries
to speak to the female population.....
i love it even more.

josh pointed me to a blog he wrote....

thought it'd be fun to share here....

ya gotta love this guy.

i got a kick out of his last healthy female
role model! grinnin'.
boy, do i feel old....

but tickled.
old and tickled.....

check it out

icky dreams turned great!

there was a time in my life i worked with my
dreams on a consistent basis.
and i loved it. just loved it.

i stopped at some point. i think it was when
things were bad for me.
and i so need to get back to it....

the really icky dreams, the ones i would have to
force myself to go back thru, those were the ones
with the most powerful messages.

an icky dream woke me this morning.
and it woke me with a heavy duty question.
i lay there in bed with this big ol heavy
question for a minute....and then..
threw it aside with the blankets and got up.

it didn't occur to me to work with it.
man, i'm dense sometimes.

a conversation with a friend this morning about
something else in my life brought it up!

and i saw!!

she's so wonderful, hopping into the dream
analysis with me, she just started tellin' me
what she saw....

ohhhhhhhhh yeah.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah.

and this!
and i hopped in.

and suddenly that icky dream is a treat!

it's showin' me something.....
and it's showin' me something i like......

i'm not goin' back to where i used to be.
and that's a good thing.
that's a great thing.

interestingly enough, on yesterday's walk,
i noticed for the first time ever that i really
could see clearly what i had come out of, and
i could feel clearly happy about being out of it.

i didn't feel all the mixture of bad feelings
that i usually did.

in the dream......the ending of the dream......
i started to leave a really bad situation
sayin' i'd be back for my things.
and then i changed my mind and turned around.
and said 'let me take what's mine now as i won't
be coming back.


'let me take what's mine now as i won't be coming back.'


and an icky dream turned into empowerment.

it's gonna be a good day.......

Friday, October 17, 2008

just a toad today....

well.....big things hit this morning
and i bounced all over the place!
certain that i had found brilliance.


i should know better by now!

no brilliance found.
another splat on an idea!

and i'm still in a great mood.
go figure.

i'm still gonna toy with it all.
but just that...toy.

what i'm lovin' is goin' splat and
standing right on up ready to hop

i'm a darn frog today!
or is that a toad???

wait a minute!
is that a tadpole?!
prolly a toad.

there's something to be said for those
little creatures.....


i love trees. i mean i really really love trees.

when i was a kid, i had a willow tree that was
my safe spot. each branch was a different room
to me. i loved that place, and hung out there
a lot. used to do homework in it. used to just
sit and think in it. one day i came home and
it was gone.

wow. just gone.
my parents had cut it down and never even told
me they were gonna do it.

that still takes my breath away.

my ex-husband loved trees too. he planted way too
many in our yard and he'd go around and touch
every single one of them in the evenings and see
how they were doin'. i loved that about him.

way before we were married he told me that one of
his professors said that if you were really really
good, you could figure out the type of tree by
the sound the breeze made thru its leaves.

wow. i have never forgotten that. and of course,
have never even tried as i can't tell trees apart
by looking at them!!! but that always amazed me.

walkin' today i was just taken with the trees.
i thought about how much they've seen me thru over
the years. how much i've given them to hold for me,
and how much they've helped me.

as i'm lost in appreciation, in steps the worldly,
practical ter. yeah, there really is one of those.
and she steps up with scorn, looks down her nose
and says to the tree huggin' ter 'don't be so silly.
next you'll be sayin' that the trees can love you.'

tree huggin' ter isn't flustered in the least. she
calmly stares at worldly practical ter and says
'trees ARE love.'

practical ter goes away.

tree huggin' ter goes back to lookin' at the trees.

just then a breeze blows thru the leaves....
and i smiled....

next i'll be thinkin' they're talkin' to me.......

maybe so.
just maybe so.

proud and thrilled

i arrived a little bit late...
that was okay. part of the plan.

i leaned against a wall smiled and said
hello to the parents around me and
settled myself in.

it wasn't long before a dad with a camcorder
stepped in front of me.
he was sweet about it. doin' all the body
language to make himself smaller and less
intrusive. i thought he was bein' a cute dad
and he didn't bother me at all.

i watched him get his angle all set and get
all ready....

ah, he was about ten kids too early! we had
a ways to go.

finally, his little daughter got up on stage.
oh man, you could tell right away HERE was a
kid who had stage talent.

she was sweet and sassy and spunky and she could
sing! i grinned from ear to ear watchin' her and
then watchin' her dad watch her.

when he was all done recordin' he stepped a little
closer to the wall. i reached out, touched his arm,
leaned closer, and smiled big. 'she's incredible!'

the beams of pride and parental tickledness
just covered him. we chatted a minute about her and
her mom and how she didn't get any talent from him.
he made me laugh.

i don't know what i thought was cooler.....
him or his daughter.

i woke up thinking about him this morning.
he was the first thought i had today.

i love to see that parental pride....
goodness knows i'm always beamin' it around the

it's just such a cool thing to see people thrilled
about another person...

ya know what's neat? is when we have that for someone
who's not our kid. like when my girlfriend played
her music recently and i sat in the audience and
cried and cried cause she was so beautiful.

i love bein' proud and thrilled about people and showing
it. and i love it when i see others do it too.

i think i gotta do that a bit more often.

uh oh, i think my friends may all go run and hide!
but i'm thinking this is a good idea....

Thursday, October 16, 2008

my drive home

drivin' home alone in the dark...
when i'm tired....

hmmmm....seems like i'm just askin'
for ghosts to come on over and visit me....

so many things came up in that car ride home....

all the things that brought me to the complete
muddle i've been in for a long time now.

the one i feel like i've stepped out of.

all those questions swirled around me.
and i just don't know where i'm at..........'s not all bad.

i saw someone i haven't seen in a few years...
i saw he hadn't moved on an inch....
not one inch....

i may not have a clue where i am....
but at least it's a different spot!

where does it all take me........
and what the heck is it i really believe?
and does that really matter anyway?

and will zakk wait for me or get up after
just sitting down here.........???

i think there's only one thing left to do...
gotta go throw zakk on the floor........


well, look what happens when you sit in a
different spot once in awhile....

doin' some art in a corner i don't usually
work in....looked up and saw this taped up
for me to remember.

i stopped everything and just sat with it....
i'm pretty sure this is from the author
dawna markova. not positive, but almost....

ready for your breath to get taken away???

i will not die an unlived life.
i will not live in fear of falling
or catching fire.
i choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
i choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which comes to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

is that wow or what?!!!

mullin' a bit....

thinking about love this morning....

thinking about receiving it, giving it
and being it.....

this part is on my mind this morning...

the wanting to see who the loved one is.
the wanting to know who they really are,
not trying to make them who you want them
to be. and the constant looking at that.

i think both the wanting them to be something
else AND the assuming you know who they are
so you stop looking....
those two things are killers.
well....they aren't love, are they?

and then.......wanting them to grow into more
of who they are....wanting to help them become.
that's love.

again...not who we want them to be, and not
who we assume they'll be.
again, killers......and again, not love.

this applies to partners, kids, friends, parents,

who do i do that with and who don't i do that with?

ah, what an interesting question.

and why?

read somewhere that it all boils down to either
fear or love. those two things.

so if i'm not livin' love with certain people,
am i livin' fear?

and what is it i'm afraid of?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

dancin' and happy!

okay. what could be better?
some time with my guy....AND a nice
big bone sigh order all in one nite!

i am dancin' around tickled pink!!

we really are gonna be okay!

it really is flowin' good right now.

i'm thinkin' i'm in that flow right now.

ohhhhhhh how to stay in it.....
just how to stay in it.

wish i could cement myself right in it.

um, that wouldn't work, would it????

cement and flow....
nahhh.... about this?
i'll enjoy it while i'm in it!!!

can't wait to tell the boys!!!!

my guy

he's too quick for me.
i can't keep up with his wit.
i was in mid sentence when he filled
in the second half with something else
and made me laugh hard....

i've never met anyone like him.
he has so many challenges that would wear
me totally out, and yet he keeps laughin'
his way thru it.

i figured out a long time ago that that's
his way of coping....make jokes.
he makes some pretty good ones too.

he managed to make me belly laugh in one of
the hardest moments of my life. that's an
accomplishment, i think. actually, he was so
totally irreverent that he stunned me and
then the humor of it was just too funny.

that's something else he is. irreverent.
and for this little fallen away catholic girl,
it can be a bit astonishing at times.

here's the catch....he's the most irreverent
reverent person i ever met. he'll make fun of
anything....and yet understand the sacredness
of if all more than many people i know.

and when i tell him that i don't know how he
does it. i don't know how he hangs in there,
he explains to me how lucky he is. he lists
to me his blessings. and he means it. he's not
just rattling them off.

one of the most memorable sentences he's ever
said to me is this:
'is it possible that we're looking for the same
thing just in totally different ways?'

that one stopped me in my tracks.

no one has ever opened me like this man....
and i'm feelin' kinda grateful for him this morning....

makin magic...

two huge trains of thoughts collided on my
walk this morning and got me inspired!

for some reason, the coloring of the morning
just got me in this reminiscent mood. this
street of mine has seen a lot of my life....
and i remembered zakk in a stroller, the boys
on their bikes, and skates, and skateboards...
the silly golf cart they drove around endlessly...
and on and on the memories went.

and that kinda crazed feelin' of how fast it all
goes filled me. wow. it's such a blink of time
and bam, they're grown.

i got filled with wanting to hang on to it all...
knew i couldn' told myself to grab the
day. when i listen today, LISTEN. when i interact,
INTERACT, when i love, LOVE. do it all for real.
be in the moment and live that moment. then it's
yours. don't lose the day.

turning the corner my mind wandered to the conversation
i had last nite with a born again atheist....
thought of how i would describe to him what i believe in.
did i even know? and so i walked and thought of that...
the thoughts whirled all over the place...too many to
but there was one that kinda just fell out at my feet.

it was the thought of how powerful we are. how we create
so much of our own reality. how our attitudes and reactions
make what our lives are....and how i really do believe there's
a flow you can get into where magic happens.

so the two trains of thought kinda collided.....
and i thought about my day. and i thought about my life.
and i thought about the power i held to create what i wanted.
my reactions, my intentions, my being in the moment...

it's up to me, isn't it?
excuse me.
i have some magic to go make....

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


i found my partner when i was tryin' to figure out
what love was.
whenever i think of that, i laugh.

we started out as just friends. and we'd sit
in my living room talkin' about it.
we'd get so darn confused with it....

i started out thinking it was all just
'sick needs.'
yep. that's what i said.

just sick needs and people needin' you to fill

my, i was a romantic, huh?

well, we spent a lotta time tryin' to figure out
needs and genuine love.

i was all burnt emotions and couldn't get past
that darn need hurdle.

he's all logic.
and he couldn't get past the need thing either.

and then we went ahead and fell in love with each
kinda funny.

but something we keep an eye on is needs.....
which ones are healthy, and which ones aren't.

it seems to be an important thing.
i kinda think it's a huge topic.

i got in a conversation tonite on the phone about
needs....but the person i was talking to doesn't
really know that.

he thought we were talkin' about something else.
and i'm thinking he didn't get it because his needs
are so big right now, he can't get it. he can't
see what's goin' on.

i hung up the phone and thought of all those conversations
i had in my living room.....

people and their needs.

needs can be good. healthy.
but it sure takes an honest eye to keep them that
way, doesn't it?

i'm thinking i wanna go take inventory of mine....
prolly should do a regular check up kinda thing.

need one? check.
need two? check.
need three? oh man. toss that one outta here.....

could be good.....

coral's gift.....

life can be pretty weird.

i really do know there's really only one me
inside this here body....but the talking
about different parts makes it so much easier.

that playful part of me.....
that's little terri....
oh man.

that part of me brings up so many things.
there's a lotta issues little terri and i
have to work thru....but there's also so
much fun and freedom.

apparently the kids like that part of me,
they encourage it.
and my guy will tell me he's missin' her if
i get kinda quiet....
and that's a big deal as he's just not into
talkin' about different parts of me.
but he does talk about little terri.

they all say they see her all the time...
and they know when she's hiding.

amazing guys i have in my life....

today i got to doubting that part of me...
that's cause i'm a queen of self doubt.
and that part can sometimes not fit in real

so i doubted.
i did.
i thought very seriously of hiding her
away again.

and then....i got a package in the mail.
it's present week! this is so cool.
someone i never met but have exchanged
emails with sent me a present.

she made it for me...

a clay statue of little terri swinging
on a swing attached to a tree limb!

it's so cool.

i held it in my hand and knew it was little
terri......and i couldn't believe it.


swingin' and just happy....

meanin' no harm whatsoever....

talk about perfect timing.
one could even say cosmic timing....

i'm tuckin' the doubt aside....
and i'm gonna embrace that part of me.

thanks, coral.....for lovin' me enough
to make this for me.....and for sendin' it
so i got it today.....

here's to our inner children!

pass me the trusty cookies please.....

so i wrote this this morning:

"it's all one big ol' journey.
if i could just keep this darn thought in my head.
i have it over and over again....but i don't seem
to have it when i need it.....

you just keep walkin, the bend changes, people change,
the weather changes...."

been thinking about that today.

i can't control who comes in and who leaves...
when the bend changes...when the weather changes...
yeah, i hate that part, but it is what it is.
all i can control is how i walk....

i felt kinda sad at one point today and i
caught myself....

it's how i walk.

sad's okay.
it's not like i can't be sad.

but throw in the trust.

walk in trust.
and wrap all things in trust...

maybe the gold of the highway
(see post below) is trust....

trust makes all things brighter....


and eat a cookie.......

lessons from the highway....

took my walk this morning...
got to my half way good morning world spot
up at the highway.
i usually ignore the cars, pretend they aren't there...
but today, i watched them for some reason.
and i gasped!
there's a slight turn in the road around the bend.
i can't see beyond it cause trees block the way....
i can just see the cars entering the bend....
and as i watched, i watched them drive into
golden light!
ohmygosh! look at that!
and i stood and watched car after car enter the
golden light....ohhhhhhh wow.
look at that......
do they know they're turning golden???

ohhhh wonder what it looks like when they leave it?
so i looked at the cars comin' out of the light
into the regular part where i was.....
couldn't really see a change....

oh ho ho.
this got me goin' all the way home.

i thought about life, about the journey.
about turnin' the bend into the golden light...
do i notice that i change color then too?
and then leavin' it and not really noticin'
the change until you're way beyond it....

my walk took on a whole symbolic thing and
i looked at the street different....
over here you get lost in the trees and you
feel peace....over here the sky grabs you
and you're inspired....oh my gosh! look down
there! it's actually hazy/foggy or something!
look at that! that's the lost, confused part
of it all...then there's the kooky dog..he's
part of it all too......there's the animals
and the neighbors....

can't forget the neighbors....
the people who need help along the way, the
people who help me back along the way, the ones
i avoid and just wave at, the ones i want to
stop and talk to....

i was really carried away at this point and totally
into it when i arrived back at my house....
zakk was outside!
he was lost in his own thoughts.
he later told me he was thinking 'i'm tired, and i'm
cold, and i'm grouchy.' when i walked right up to
his face. he didn't see me coming.
gave him a big HI ZAKK! like i hadn't seen him in years.
made him jump.

this played into the whole thing....
the loved ones along the way, the horseplay along the
way (because once i heard he was grouchy, there had
to be horseplay!)

i walked up my front steps into the house and kept
on goin' with it......
there's the cozy shelter along the way....

it's all one big ol' journey.
if i could just keep this darn thought in my head.
i have it over and over again....but i don't seem
to have it when i need it.....

you just keep walkin, the bend changes, people change,
the weather changes....

and you just keep on walkin'.......

til you can't anymore.
it's that simple.

if only i could remember that......

Monday, October 13, 2008

hold on to your dreams

i got a present today....

from someone i love...

it's perfect....a black stone
with a copper spiral painted on it....
it's perfect.
it's around my neck right now.
i don't want to ever take it off.

it came with a card....

'hold on to your dreams'

i couldn't believe it.
of all days.
today i feel like i'm livin' 'em again.
like i used to.

i'm not afraid today.
i'm even confidant we'll do fine.
better than fine.

and now i have a necklace to remind
me of this space i'm in....

and what matters more than this great
necklace is i have a friend who loves
me and wants to remind me to hang on
to my dreams.
she actually cares that i do that.
it matters to her.
how incredible is that?!

i forget....
sometimes i get wrapped up in the payin'
the bills garbage...

i's about dreams, and about
followin' your heart, and believin' and
tryin' and doin' what feels right......

and havin' friends who love you all the
way thru it....

hold on to your dreams...
and hold on to your friends....

the practical parent

i tried.
really hard.

i tried to tune in and be a dad to zakk
and be practical and all that.

we talked cars last nite.

zakk is ALWAYS talkin' cars.

i tuned in.
i addressed his concerns.
he asked what i thought of a plan he had.
i thought it was good.
it was practical.
it made sense.

i encouraged it.
i was the practical dad.

well he blew that away today....decided
it was all wrong and he needed another plan.

i can handle that.
when i finally think i'm doin' it right.

so he just does the little instant message
yeah. it's a way of life at times....
the kids type slower than i do, so i can get a lotta
teasin' in while they're gettin' to the point.

finally he got the point out.
a link.
to a car he's interested in.

i'll check it out.

there it is.
right in front of my face.
a hearse.
it still has the curtains!
and the rollers for the caskets!

who could resist?!

all practical parenting went out the
window and i'm typin' like a nut
on the instant messenger thingie..
yes~! let's do it! we can all go look
at it together!

i get a note back 'where's my mother?'

laughin' and laughin........i wrote back
and said i'm in.

honestly, parts of me cringe.
i've seen too many of those things and
i wouldn't want one....
but i'm not sixteen and a goofy guy....

he would so love it.

i have no idea if he'll get a hearse or not...
i have no idea if he could ever afford the gas....

all i know is living with these guys is keepin'
me young.....and if he gets one of these things,
i'm gonna have to borrow it.......

business/life talk

i find this fascinating....

all the stuff we send outta here for bone sigh
arts goes out with our website on it.

shops don't like that idea. they don't want people
shopppin' on line instead of in their stores.

i get that. so we share our on line sales with
the shops. even if that person is never going to
go back to that store, if they're from outta
state and were just travelin' thru....we share
the sale.

i think it's kinda cool and works really well.

most shops relax when they hear this.
but not all.

i'm prolly one of the easiest people to work with,
but i stand firm on that. to me it symbolizes
working together and keeping each other in the
circle. it matters to me. i explain this to shops
and tell them if they're really uncomfortable with
it, we don't have to work together. i'm really
okay with that. it's about bein' a team.

one shop owner has embraced this beyond any others.
and it is with her that incredible things happen.
between the two of us and our weaving together,
we've managed to do some really cool things for

i talked to her today and told her i made up some
special business cards for her and i. they have
her shop and my website on them. i'm on the phone
sqealing 'how cool is this?! we are really workin'

we're both loving it.

interestingly enough, i talked to the one shop owner
today who hates that policy. he's the only one i ever
gave a break to about it and said i'd adjust things
for him.

he orders very little...haven't talked to him in ages.
and there he was today....

i typed up his order and stopped.....
our website is now printed on the artist statements
that we insert with the products. it's different now.
i would have to actually CUT OFF the website.

i stood there and thought about it.

nah....that's crazy.

and then i grinned.
i heard the fear in his voice today.
the economy fear i keep hearin' around me....

he's really scared.

fear isn't gonna work. i know that.
and cuttin' my website off the statements isn't
gonna help him sell more....

but i'm gonna do it.
my kids are gonna have a fit at me.
but ya know what?

i don't care.
if the guy is that worried....and it would
make him feel better....i'll do it.

i don't want to do it with others, but he and
i have talked at length about this...
and somehow today, it feels like a double whammy
of importance....

it's a giving to him....
and it's a grinnin' at the universe......
knowing it's all okay.

i'm throwin' in a present for him too, tellin'
him to keep the faith.

as i look at these two shop owners, i see fear
and i see love........

which one's gonna win?
my bets on love.


clarissa pinkola estes is one of my all time
favorite authors. the name 'clarissa' is a
household name around here and her book 'women
who run with the wolves' has been like a bible
to me....

she has a letter she wrote that has been passed
around the internet for years. i've gotten it
many times in my mail box. i got it the
other day and knew it was about time i sat with
it once again. i printed it out, soaked in the words,
and figured i needed it by my bed.

i sent it to a friend the other day who was
doin' her own strugglin'. i thought for sure she
had seen it.

nope. first time.

so i thought maybe there might be a few other people
who haven't seen it....i wanted to offer it here...

here's the paragraph that knocks me to my knees...

'one of the most calming and powerful actions you can
do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and
show your soul. soul on deck shines like gold in dark
times. the light of the soul throws sparks, can send
up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters
to catch fire. to display the lantern of soul in
shadowy times like these - to be fierce and to show
mercy toward others; both are acts of immense bravery
and greatest necessity. struggling souls catch light
from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show
it. if you would help to calm the tumult, this is one
of the strongest things you can do.'

this woman always goes right to my bones. for the full
letter click here

the man who ate a bee....

i'm in one of those moods.

the 'people are precious' moods.

i don't know if i've lost too many people,
or if i'm just an overly smaltzy individual,
or i'm just mellow...

but i'm glad for the mood.

i got a note from a friend this morning.

i don't even know if i say we restarted an
old friendship, or exactly how to describe our
it's just weird.

but a good weird.
and he's become someone i'd miss if he was gone.

and there he was tellin' me how he accidentally
ate a bee yesterday.

once we're over the trauma of it all, there's
some really great jokes in there....

i've been thinking tho......if it was bad, and
he really reacted, and he died.......
it'd be so awful.

then i started thinking of my cousin who wrote
the other day that she was thrown from her horse...
and how that coulda been really bad for her..

and then my mind got whirlin'.....and i thought of
all the people that are mixed up in my crazy life
and how much i care about them all....

and how precious every single one of them is.
same with the days. my own days.

it's all a gift, isn't it?
and each person is a gift aren't they?

i'm generally pretty good at seein' that....
but there's a few exceptions in my life....
people i don't really see as gifts.
think i'm gonna work on that.....
because it ALL is a gift.

i drove by a golf course this weekend that
reminds me of someone i lost. every single time
i drive by that place, i remember him.

when he died, i shut down. i isolated. i cleaned
my attic out and painted my living room. i wanted
to be left alone. i didn't want to love anyone anymore.
it hurt too much to lose him. it hurt too much to not
be able to control the world.

i didn't know how to make sense out of it.

i struggle with that kinda thing a lot.
but maybe the sense isn't in the losing....
it's in the living.......
and if you live the moments as gifts, and treat the
people as precious you know that you made the most
out of your time.

yeah, i'm pretty good at that.....
but not where i want to be.
not by a long shot.

and the friend who ate a bee reminded me of that today.

holding the gift in my hands today, and loving
the sparkle of it all....