Saturday, February 28, 2009

a new mantra

'we shall not cease from exploration
and the end of all our exploring
will be to arrive where we started
and know the place for the first time.

-t.s. eliot

i kinda like it when i read a poem
like this one above.
cause sometimes i feel like a total
weirdo with all the exploring.
and a total lamo that i can't get
the concepts faster and hang on
to them!

when i read a poem like that, i feel
okay and actually kinda excited....
cause yeah....i WANT to explore!

don't know why, but i feel like i'm
in a good place where i can today.
which is good cause it's a bob day.

he's excellent to grab and search with.

i'm tryin' to find a little mantra
i can start sayin' every day to myself.

when i first first started out on my own
i had one i said 500 gazillion trillion
times to myself:

"everything i need is within me."

man, did i need that one.

now i want a new one.

'i am enough' kinda thing....
but it's gotta go further than that.

'i deserve happiness' kinda thing...
but that's too blah.

so i'm in search of a mantra that hits
me, feels right and one i can say
gazillions of times to myself.

i think i might just start there.

what the heck.

i know i leaned on that other one a lot.

a good first step!

now. how hard can it be to figure this out?!

Friday, February 27, 2009

a coffee break

ohmygosh was the conversation good!
we were just meetin' for a quick cup of'd been YEARS since we caught up!

we dug right into it.
and it got good.

she had a life changer happen when she was 28.
i mean......A LIFE CHANGER.

she's now 45.
she told me that someone close to her said
that he thought her life stopped back then.

i looked at her.

did it? i asked.

yeah, i think so. she said quietly.

i could feel the earth stand still.

it's not just her. it's me. it's tons of
people. it's most of us.

where did we let our life stop? when?
or at least parts of it?

we talked about that....
we talked about taking life back.

we talked about why we don't and what's
holding us....

and the 'deserve thought' that i had last
week surfaced.

i asked her about it.
tears filled my eyes.
i told her how i didn't feel i deserved
to be happy. way way down deep something told
me i had to hang back and not be totally happy.

she nodded.
she knew.

i got excited with her.

want to figure this out together?! i asked her.

she did.

i came home all energized.'d think i'd be depressed.
i see all this work ahead for me.

but i'm so psyched.
i feel like there's so much ahead of me....

if i could just grab it!!!!

my trees

we pulled back in from lunch when my
neighbor stopped us on the driveway
to give us the lowdown of the road
widening they're gonna do on our street.

i had asked him about it because i couldn't
figure out what they were talking about in
the letter that was sent out about this.

he made a few calls....and he filled me in.

i swear i was standing there holding back
the tears.

they'll be cuttin' down the big oak tree
right by the street in our yard.

i love that tree.
and there will be others that will go too.
smaller things...and i didn't even look over
at the big ol' cedar that's sure to go too...

i didn't want to just stand there and cry.
so i fought the tears.

they're gonna put in some drain thing.

i told him at least that would be neat because
i could play in that.

he laughed.

i wasn't kidding.

i was tryin' to find something good about it.
i do like playin' in the high water that
collects and i know that will be fun.

it's not worth tearin' out my trees...
but i was tryin' hard to find something good.

i came in here to work and i just feel so sad.

i watched myself out there.
it was obvious i felt bad.
i said 'well, i knew it was coming. so it's here.'

i just kinda step outside of myself and know it's
beyond me. it's weird. i prolly won't talk about it
to bob or the boys. i'll get quiet.

and i'll watch....or i won't watch....them
take the trees.

one day i'm moving away from all this greedy

a vow to my heart

reworking an old print....
i needed this quote today....

a vow to my heart....

i will work on the act of listening to you
and my listening abilities will grow.
i will honor those things you relay to me
and act upon them.
when i act upon them i will know that
i am living my truth and owe no explanations
to anyone.
i will believe in your ability to accept
all emotions and will not close down to
protect you.
i will direct my energies and my power
to places that will strengthen you -
not deplete you.
i will follow you in the way i wish the world
would follow you.
the child of the universe and the heart shall meld
and we shall dance as one.


i just read carmen's comment and laughed.
had to come clarify.

there's this soy ice cream, tofutti.
i love that stuff.
just love it.
haven't had it in ages.....
but oh just typing it makes me want to
go get some!

well......i kinda liked these wine floats.

that's embarrassing!

red wine and tofutti ice cream.


haven't had one in about eight years tho...
but i did love them!

anyway.......that would be the red wine and
tofu float reference in the bone sigh below.


my gosh....
i am a classy woman.

that's so embarrassing......

he still dated me after that.
go figure.

naming bob

i decided to name him.

last nite in the shower, it dawned on me....
i need to name my guy in my blog.

his name is bob.

i name my sons, but not my guy.
cause he's too precious to me? he's more mine
this way? or maybe he's less real? or maybe it's
fear? or maybe it's love?

who the heck knows. i think it's all of that!

but i decided it was time to name the man who
is such an incredible part of my life.

i have snips of emails and notes from people
hangin' all over my desk area/wall here....
stuff that keeps me goin' on a rough day.
stuff i can just stop and read every now and

i wanted to put up a few of bob's quotes i
have hangin' honor naming him
day and to share a little bit of wisdom as
we head into friday....

'life teaches us to be cautious,
to hedge our bets.
we buy into the illusion of safety
and sell our souls to keep it.
how much pain would you risk to have
your dreams?'

'if you could do something and know
with absolute certainty that you would
not fail, what would that be?'

'admit this is perfect, open to it
totally...and risk total hurt.'

and one i've even got hanging by my
kitchen sink:

'once you've made your choice,
it becomes a matter of trust.'

read that last one again.
that one's a kicker. i go back to that
over and over and over and over again.

and finally.......the first and
only bone sigh bob has written.....
he sent this to me when we were just
buddies and supporting each other thru
the worst times of our lives...
i was havin' a hard time...
and he wanted to encourage me to keep
on goin, so he wrote me the
following bone sigh -

'where's that damn fairy godmother
anyway, said cinderella.
and she bowed her head and wept.
screw it she said
and fixed herself a red wine and
tofu float.

and there you have him.

it's time i wrapped my whole heart
around him, don't ya think?!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

light stealing dark

she's been on my mind all day.
i alerted another neighbor so we can
keep a good eye on her (see post below)
and yo went down to visit tonite.
he stayed down there at least an hour!

he reported she was doin' well.
that's a relief.

but i keep thinking of something that
happened with her today.

i had settled onto her floor with the
lap top and told her i'd just work away
while she watched her tv.

she flipped something on.

i don't watch tv.
i don't even think i have a tv that
works as i didn't switch or whatever it
is you're sposed to do.

i watch stuff on vids...but not tv.
haven't in years and years.
so i am sooooo sensitive to how gross
it can be. if you haven't watched it in
20 years, it can be a bit of a shock.

i have no idea what this show was.

but it was horrible.
i started doin' my thing and i could
feel whatever was on was creepy.

i thought 'oh great, i gotta tune out
creepy. i can tune out soaps, i can tune
out game shows...but creepy? oh man.'

well.......whatever was on was so incredibly
disturbing i looked up at her and asked
with a totally pained look 'is this stuff
true? this is horrible.'

that's when she said 'yeah, this is trash,
let me find something else...'

it was trash in the truest sense of trash.
i can't think of one thing worthwhile about
it and i can think of dozens of things
harmful about it.

there's darkness that we have to deal with.
i'm not all about rose color glasses.
for pete's sake.....i see darkness all the

but this was different.
this was damaging. this was light stealing
darkness. needless light stealing darkness.

and i keep thinking of that.

i honestly believe if i hadn't been there,
she woulda kept watching.

and what on earth good could that possibly
do her?
i got to thinking of all she watches, and all
the yucky ick she bombards herself with.....

and i wondered how anyone could retain their
health thru that.

it actually helped me to see this.

i've been afraid of growing old.
and while i know there's so much beyond our
control (which is why i'm afraid of it)
i see how there's so much in our control.

no matter how old i get, i'm not gonna sit and
watch light stealing garbage gunk.

and i think that right there would have to
help a ton.

there is a lot we can do for ourselves....

showing ourselves some respect in our viewing
choices seems like one of the easier ones....

support teams matter

she didn't feel so good so she called.
whatchya doin'? she asked with a weak voice.
'just work stuff.
you doin' okay? i asked back....

she was hopin i could sit with her as
she was worried about feeling bad and bein'

of course.
i'll be right down.

ran up to tell the boys i might be gone for
fifteen minutes or i might end up at the

such is life when you have an elderly neighbor.

it always worries me that i'm the one she
counts on. i never quite felt
enough to play that role. but here i am.

she was pale when i walked in. i know better
than to say that.
i sat down and said some goofy stuff,
made her laugh, asked for symptoms
and gave a back rub.

she told me about being scared and being
all alone and i rubbed her back and told
her it was hard and of course she
was scared and i understood.

as i touched her, i consciously thought
of the power of human
contact. talked to her about it.
how we all needed to be touched.

we got her over to the table to take
her blood pressure. she was
already looking better.
so great.
we got a blood pressure.
what do these numbers mean??

like i say....i'm not the world's
best caretaker.
but my gosh, i have the world's best
support system.

first call went to yo.
will you look up on the net if these numbers
look high low or fine???
i talked to both yo and my neighbor as
all this went on.
i heard my voice, gentle and steady when my
insides were just plain ol not.

we decided it prolly was okay,
but we'd keep checkin into it.
in the meantime i called my guy.
i knew he was swamped with a huge project
at work that involved being with a buncha other
people and workin' hard with them.

i didn't hesitate.
i knew he'd be there for us no matter what.

i called and said 'your women need you.
have you got a minute for georgia and i?'

i never call him on his cell at work unless
it truly matters.
he caught it right away and stopped everything
to listen. he gave me his two cents.
hung up with him, yo called back.
he had gotten input from both zakk and josh.
both were helpful.
and he said 'josh launched right into how
blood pressure works. how does he know all
this stuff, mom?!'

we took her pressure again.
much lower. much better.

maybe having a whole support team loving you
matters more than we'll ever know.

we sat at her table and she told me her troubles.
i listened, nodded, and offered sympathy.

she looked 100 percent better.
i went home to gather some stuff and now
i'm on her living room floor with yo's laptop.

josh just walked in.
i may not be the best support in the world....
but i come with a whole darn loving team behind me.

growin' old scares me......

'better thought hygiene'

it all kinda came at once....
i sat down here to finish up a few things
then dig in....

a precious friend sent me an article that
rocked. a woman crumbling into the dark
abyss and then coming out. and realizing
she needed better 'thought hygiene.'

oh did i love that phrase!

me too!

i need better thought hygiene!

big smile over here!!!

i went over to this precious friend's blog
and read her post about john denver and a
song that really affected her life....maybe
in fact, saved it....

'i want to live'

she posted a youtube link.
i bopped it on. and listened and thought of
her and the darkness she pulled herself thru.

and i cried.

and then josh sent me this picture.
he called. said 'check your email. i made you
a present.'

this is a picture of one of his favorite
musicians performing on stage.

he saw him in concert and said that he carried
this flag all around the stage. if he faltered
for one minute, he woulda looked like a fool.
but he didn't falter. he carried it off with
total wicked confidence.

he loved that and made one for himself to inspire
himself, and then thought i'd like one.

all of these things landed at once.

i'm turnin' to my work now.......
and i'm filled to the brim with giving
it my all........

sometimes life is just so darn cool.

the shed door inside me......

ohmygosh i feel like i found a new best friend!

my midlife books came in. the one that's grabbed
my heart is 'awakening at midlife' by kathleen

i practically danced thru the house after i
read her first chapter. (that's as far as i've
gotten so far!)


she talks of what's happening inside of me
and is explaining that it's all part of the
growth process. and can be like tectonic plates
crashing against each other!

no kidding.

'we must let go of who we are in order to become
who we are supposed to be.'

'the midlife passage is an entrance way into the
deepest layers of one's soul.'

and here's one that directly hit something i
was mulling this morning...

'the ego and all the values of our youth are in
deadly combat with the wisdom of the self...'

okay. so take that last line and go over here
with me.

someone made a comment on the blog last nite.
i posted it just before i turned off the puter.
but i wrote down part of it on a sticky note
on my desk cause it really caught my attention.

a piece of it reads: 'all the good
that has come out of your choice to be a
fully alive human being...'

i wrote down 'all the good from that choice.'

i wrote that down because as i read it, i
realized that i still haven't taken that in.

i know....i mean i really know......that some
tremendous good has come out of it and that
it truly has saved my life. (this would be my
decision to divorce and rebuild my life)

i'm just so way aware of the pain that it
has caused and the great losses that have
happened because of it.

thing is.....
that's not really true.
and yet i hang on to it.

the great losses were losses that didn't
have to happen thru it. none of them. not
one. but they were choices that people made.

and yet i carry more of that with me than
the 'good' that has come out of my choice.

could that be what that one line means about
the values of youth (my holding on to the
'bad girl' divorce stuff) in combat with the
wisdom of the self (my knowing i had to make
a change)???

and here's a big kicker....
i didn't consciously know i was still doing this.
i knew i did it in the beginning.
but thought i had let that go.
until i read that comment last nite and stood
still when i read those words.
'all the good that has come out of my choice...'

this week feels like the week of AHA moments.

i had no idea so many negative thoughts were
runnin' my insides.

and how about this?
so many negative FALSE thoughts!


rather than finding this discouraging this morning,
i'm finding energy in it.

it IS time to 'become who we are supposed to be.'

and i could use a bit of tweakin' here with
what i've been doin'.

and i actually want to tweak!


i am feelin' pretty darn excited about all this
this morning!


how do you put away false negative beliefs and
turn towards your deepest truths?

(raspberry noise)

i haven't a clue!

but i am so game to try today!
i think maybe cause i have a new best friend
in this book sayin' 'it's okay, you really aren't
a wacko crazed nutcase. and this is a good thing.'

i am off to go open the door to my shed.
josh just called. he was workin' in there yesterday.
he's worried a bird flew in and not sure the bird
every flew out.

i am off to open the door wide and let the bird

is that symbolic or what?!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

letters to janene

she cries a lot quicker these days.
which works for me as i'm always ready
to cry. so we cried together today.

it was a quick check in. she'd been on
the phone for a long time before i got thru.
i didn't want to use up all her energy.

at the end tho, i told her of the project
she has inspired yo, zakk and i to create
and asked her if we could name it after her.

it was quiet on the other end.
and i could hear her crying.
and i knew it'd be okay.

i'm so glad i really didn't want
to change the name. it felt so right to me.

it was a real emotional time for both of us.
i realized how much it meant to me as i tried
to tell her about it.

and as she answered me.....i realized how
much it meant to her.

and so.
it's official.

there will be a new website going up as soon
as we can get it together.

it will be called 'letters to janene'

the hope is that it will be a resource place
for cancer patients and their loved ones.

it's in the very beginning stages. the boys
and i are juggling so much right now....
but it's happening.

if anyone has any questions, suggestions, thoughts
go ahead and email me.....(i think the email is on
the profile page)

we could use all the input we can get.

right now tho....
i am totally full of the emotion of that call.

sometimes i feel so lucky to be here.

making space reminders

sometimes i have ideas that excite me
and then whoosh i lose them.

the making space theme grabbed me big time.
then i got distracted and forgot all about it.

by accident, i made some space for josh last
nite. in an email i dropped him. wanted to let
him know that i wasn't gonna crowd him with

i wasn't thinking of making space.
just thinking of respect.

i just got the best email response back and HE
mentioned the making space thing.
guess he thought i was intentionally doing that
for him and he said it was really neat.

i smiled.
i wasn't that enlightened.
but i loved the reminder.

i forget about everything.
and then when i remember i'm excited all over

the making space thing.......
i hadn't thought about it in terms of anything
but that. just making space.

but what i just said about josh.....
i was just tryin' to respect who he is.

it's respect, isn't it?!
you gotta have respect to make space.

hmmmmmmm.....i don't know as the person i did
this for last week wouldn't have been high on
my respect list.

so i don't know.

but maybe it's a really deep level respect of
'people are people and they gotta do stuff their

maybe that's what it is.
sometimes there's upper level respect, and sometimes
there's not.

don't know.
only one way to find out.
i'm gonna play with this.
a lot.
if i can remember to!!!

'no invisible means of support'

weird start to my morning here....
top it off with some goofy game thing
on face book.

you choose random things (they tell you
how) and you make an album cover.
it's my kinda thing....pointless and fun.

i do like pointless and fun.

i went to get my name for my album...
and i got 'no invisible means of support'

ohhhhhh you gotta love that one!
it's stuff you can chew on!

then i went to get my picture for it and
what did i get??


ya know. sometimes things are just too freaky.

so there i sat.
lost in thought.
i moved over by the pellet stove and just sat
by the heat and thought about life and death
and god and no god and where we go and what
it's all about.

brought me right back to my midlife stuff.
and my thinking that maybe the 'deserve factor'
was getting in my way of things. i don't want
to forget to work with that.

got me thinking about my own beliefs. my own

what the heck is it?!

i've lost so much of it along the way. it's
totally different than when i started out....

i'm kinda glad about that.
when i really need it, i'd like the stuff i
really really believe to be burned in, and the
other stuff to have fallen away.

but how much stuff is left that i really really

there's one thing that i always come back to
because i've experienced it.

the flow.
or whatever the heck you want to call it.

i know there is one, because i've been in it
more than once.

where you're in the right place on the inside
and everything on the outside moves easily
because of that.

'no invisible means of support.'

what a phrase.

i might go so far as to buy that about something
outside of us.

not sure.

but i can't buy that about something inside of us.
cause i know it's there.

cause i've touched that too.

there is an invisible means of support inside me.

that i'm sure of.

and thinking about that today somehow felt really
really good.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

i admit it...i'm a wuss.

thank goodness a couple of mom's wrote and
told me they could relate to my feelings
today with zakk's teeth.

my gosh.
i feel like a total wuss.

i have been frazzled all day.
i gotta say in my defense tho, zakk would
frazzle the best of us.

he's so darn stubborn and bull headed and
every thing has got to be questioned.

josh asked him on the way home if he told
the doctor how to take his teeth out.

yeah. this was as he was totally drugged
explaining his medication to me....


so besides his thick headness, he's got
this forever stuffiness that made me worry
that he might have a problem with the whole
procedure. that really nagged at me while he
was in there...

and then throw in the bloody gauze and his
delight in showing me and teasing me about
popped stitches....(which aren't popped but
add great fun to the whole thing on his end)...

and the fact that i'm a complete wuss when
it comes to my kids' health....

i'm not the model of care taking calm.

it truly has made me pause several times and
think of the friends of mine who actual do
REAL care taking....

my gosh.
i hope they cut themselves a lot of slack.
that's one heck of a job.

i don't have one coherent thought.

all work today has been done in 15 minute
intervals as we rotate ice packs....

thru the daze, i keep thanking the universe
my baby's okay. then laughing at myself for
being such a wreck.

there's only one thing to do at this point...
i gotta go make a 'mustache monday club' over
on face book. i got to.

it's about all my brain can handle right now.

it's ice pack time!

last tidbit

we're home.
zakk's in here with me with ice packs on
his cheeks.
all went well.
and yeah, i was a bit frazzled.
but he's in good shape.

sigh of relief.

meant to post this this morning but i couldn't

i finally finished kitchen table wisdom!
just ordered her other book like this, so
i'm sure more tidbits will follow!

but this is the last tid bit from this book...

i just loved it......

sometimes i'm curious why people aren't more
open to possibilities. why people get so closed
about life/death stuff.

i figure since we don't know, everyone gets
a shot at guessin'!

but anyway.......
she wrote this....

'the willingness to consider possibility
requires a tolerance of uncertainty.'

i think so!
and that might be why people get closed!
they don't have that tolerance!

maybe being someone who's mostly uncertain
about everything.....maybe that makes my
tolerance high!

it helps to be confused, i think.


wisdom teeth

zakkie bean gets his wisdom teeth out this morning.

i'm sure it will go well.

i hate this stuff.

i like everyone to be fine and nobody touching them.

zakk, of course, is as cool as a cucumber.

i just want to bring him home and have him fine.

i'm such a dopey mom.

josh is coming. and i'm sooooooo glad.

he wants to be there to see zakk all drugged up.

both he and yo have had this and they were both
kinda funny. josh was actually really funny.
so josh doesn't want to miss zakk!

i just like the idea of waiting around with josh.
that will help.

he emailed me to let me know he was going and he
said 'thank goodness it's not mustache tuesday!'

i laughed.

my thoughts are filled with my kids this morning.

Monday, February 23, 2009

a whole new respect

do i have a whole new respect for men and
their mustaches!!!

i thought i pretty much killed it with my
first cup of tea.
one side got so wet, that i rang it out
while it was still on my face!!!

no kidding.

i did notice that i must sip sideways
as just one side got dunked.

i didn't think it was gonna last, but
it musta dried out and then it seemed to
stick on better.

i went for a glass of water.
one sip told me this was a mistake.

i grabbed a straw.

much better.

my gosh.

then it was lunch time.

oh my goodness.
this isn't gonna work.

by this time bits of my mustache
were shedding as it had been thru
so much wear and tear so far.

i took it off for lunch.

popped it back on afterwards.

forgot that i like a cup of tea


i just popped it off for the tea break.

how DO men deal with eating and drinking
with a mustache?!

i gotta tell you.....i've gained a whole
new respect for men and mustaches!

i told the boys this at lunch.
yo rolled his eyes.
'oh no. pretty soon she'll be wanderin'
up to some big ol' biker guy with a mustache
telling him that she has a whole new understanding
and sympathy for what he goes thru.'

i laughed.

he's probably right.

i doubt i'll ever look at a mustached man
the same.

me and my food.....

scratchin' my mustache here and thinking of
something i'm excited about....

for a new year's resolution, i decided to clean
up my eating act. i figured it out so that it
would be something i would actually do, included
presents to myself for when i did good....
and jumped in!

well......something really cool is happening....

it turned from doing it because i had to to get
my actually enjoying treating my
body right.

i've held on to a few bad habits as an escape hatch
so i didn't feel too overwhelmed.

well, i said goodbye to those habits last nite....

i listened to my friend talk about some medical
test he had and he was describing watching his
gall bladder up on the screen.

i got to thinking how amazing all our organs are.
and how much they do for us.

and i decided that my body was really really
worth taking care of.

it's not just pretty words.

i've tried those.
they never get me too far.....

i can feel this one down deep.
i WANT to do this one.

as i walked, i thought about it.....

i used to FORCE myself out on my walks.
had to make myself go.

now when i miss them, i REALLY miss them.
i won't get to take one tomorrow, and i'm
sorry about that......

it's changed.
it's not about dragging myself and making
me do it anymore. it's part of something i

well......that's what's happening with the food.

and i can't believe it.

i don't remember ever really feeling like this
down deep about food!

i'm pretty tickled with it.

as i sit here sipping my green tea, getting my
mustache wet, i keep thinking......ya know......
this is really really good.

i'm onto something here.......

mustache monday

so it's mustache monday!
i've got my mustache on!

gonna post a picture on facebook.
why not?
we need to celebrate!

i'm planning on wearing it all day!
we'll see if it drives me crazy
after awhile....

but for sure is fun!

i want to consciously make my life what
i want. my mustache is perfect timing for

want to join me?
grab your fake (or real) mustaches and
let's have some fun!

talk about roadblocks.........

so i walked.
and i thought of my fears for the future....

as i turned from my goodmorningworld spot
to head home, a question landed in my head.

'do you think you deserve it?'

did i deserve happiness, and health and someone
who truly loved me?

i didn't like that question.

and tried to wander away from it.

but it appeared in front of me again,
one of the biggest roadblocks i can remember.

it was so big all i could do was acknowledge its

and i thought of yesterday, when my friend gave
me the necklace. i didn't want to take it from
her as i knew it was special to her.

after about the third round of 'maybe you should
really have this.' she said to me...

i'm going to engrave right here 'terri deserves

i thought of that moment.

i thought of the question that popped into my head.

i got a little teary about it all.
but couldn't go much further.
i touched on some things that would have taught
me that i don't.

i know they are deep.
i know that i need to keep working on them.

but i don't think i knew how much power i've
been giving them.....


and so i stand looking at this roadblock.
it crosses the road and all the way up around it.

it's not just a skim around it and keep on goin.
it may very well be a dismantle it and get
thru that way......


can't say i'm real thrilled about that....
but can say i'm glad to at least know it's there.

part of me just sits down and thinks
'will she dismantle it in time?'

and then when i hear that.....i think......
of course she will!
she's come this far..........
she can't stop now......

big deep breath....
and another jump in...........

Sunday, February 22, 2009

dusting herself off...

she stopped by real quick with a present for me!
i love presents.
just love them!

and she had one in her hand.

close your eyes and put out your hands.

oh yes.
i love this stuff.

and so i did.....

she gifted me with the coolest necklace...
on the back of it, it has the words
'let me listen to me, and not to them.'

oh ho ho ho ho.

oh ho.



i love it.

i squealed and hugged her.
and i've worn it all evening.....

she knows how much i need that reminder.
which made it extra special.

i think she had originally gotten it for
herself, and yet she gave it to me...
add extra to that extra special...

i told her that i figured out that i was
freakin' out over middle age.

she immediately launched into all these
helpful thoughts.

suggested some things for me to think on
during my walks....

and as we talked i realized....

it was really clear.

all the sickness and hard stuff i'm watching
right now.....

i'm filled with fear about the future.

she talked of all that i had ahead of me....
and i realized that i've been scared because
i've been thinking pain stuff.
scary stuff.

i haven't been filling my future with good
things in my head.....

i saw it really clearly.

i've been filling it with fear stuff.

told her.

she stopped.

her eyes got big.

that's not good.

i grinned.

i know.

but i hadn't really known i was doing it.

and so.....i have some work to do.
some walks to take.
some thoughts to think.

my first thought is how incredibly cool women
are. there was a comment on the middle age stuff
earlier that made me smile and appreciate women...
(thanks, mary) and then there's my necklace friend....

both very wise women.

my world is filled with so many really really
wise women.....

i need to put down the fear......

oh yes.
that reminds me of a bone sigh....

the fear won't help you save what you have.
it will make you lose what you can become.


once again, she picks herself up and
dusts herself off......

business moguls

i had a wonderful brainstorm last nite!

one day a week, when i start my work day,
i want to wear a false mustache!

i brought false mustaches with me once to
a business meeting i had. everyone in the
meeting had to wear them!
this was me, my kids, and my good buddy
and her good buddy.

it was a rule.
ALL must wear one.

i had soooo much fun with that.
we still have pictures on our site of us
with the mustaches! occurred to me last nite
that if i enjoyed that so much, i should
continue on with the tradition!

i decided to go for mustache mondays!

josh suggested that i write the mustache
report every monday!

i loved the idea!

i just called the dollar store near by.

sure enough!
the just restocked their mustaches!!!!


i called josh, told him i was headin' down
there to get my mustaches.

i so wish i had this recorded....
he very seriously says to me
'well, why you're down there, would you pick
something up for me? of course, i'd reimburse
you. it's a business expense. i need two
rubber chickens.'

i got the biggest smile on my face.

'did you hear what you just said?' i asked

i just burst out laughing.

two business moguls.....
i tell ya......we really know how to run our

now...where'd i put that ice cube with the fly in it?!

graceful cloddiness.

the signs became too big to ignore....

i was looking up a book title on amazon when
i got distracted. the same author had written
a book on 'mid-life'.

hmmmmm.....i stopped, checked it out.
nahhhhhh.....i doubt it has anything new in there
i know what she's gonna say....

went back to what i was doing.


well....let me go check that out again....
just look at it.
see what it's about.
just browse.

yeah, i ordered it.
plus another one.


it was the first time i acknowledged to myself
that this mid life stuff was weighing on me.

then when a shop owner asked me to brainstorm
an event with her yesterday, and also mentioned
the same day of the event was her mom's birthday
(they run the place together), i immediately
launched into the idea of women aging and working
with that theme. i emailed her and said 'i could
use some help with this theme! maybe women can
share their thoughts!'

it was the first time i said out loud to anyone
'this middle age stuff feels like it just landed
on my shoulders.'

(and yes, it has been repeatedly pointed out to me
that i'm more than likely beyond middle aged!)

and then last nite when i started cryin' on his
shoulder tellin' him that i'm really not into all
this change stuff. can't figure out how i'm sposed
to be happy when my kids are leaving, they've been
my life, and now i have to change my life, prolly
move in with him at some point when the only other
experience i've had with falling in love and getting
married ended ih heartbreak?! how am i sposed to
be all over joyed with this scenerio?!

oh man.
the guy's a saint.
he actually provides a space where i can tell him
that my future with him scares the daylights outta

friends are getting real real sick.
other friends are having incredible hormonal mood
empty nest stuff is a norm now.
i feel like two years ago sad stories flooded into
my life, and instead of easing up, they keep steadily

told my guy that it was like when we were in our early
twenties....every time you turned around, there was a
wedding. then a few years later, it was baby showers
every other weekend.

now....every time i turn around i hear of a major sickness
or a death.

my THIRTY year high school reunion is this summer, and old
classmates are coming out of the wood work. oh my.
they're all middle aged adults. how did this happen???

we gathered around the kitchen table last nite.
josh landed in from his day. first thing out of his
mouth.....he told us about one of his adult students
being really upset because the guy he works with
dropped dead.
he's 43.

my head just fell onto the table.

my guy looked over at josh and said 'great timing.'

i think it was in the middle of the rant to my guy
last nite. i heard me whine. i heard me cry. i heard
me sound absolutely crazed.

the finale would be the head thump on the table.

i'm not handlin' this middle aged concept all that

this freakin' out has been slowly creeping up on me.

and it's here.
it landed.
right on my shoulders.

there's a huge part of freak out in me.
but there's another part.
a lot smaller...but it's there.
and i know it can grow....

the 'ohhhh! it's science experiment time!' part.

how does one step into the next stage of life
with consciousness, with purpose, with intent...
without totally freaking out and digging in her
heels and screaming 'i'm not going!!'?!

i certainly don't know!
and after i'm done havin' a few fits, maybe
i'll try to find out.......

maybe it's just highly over rated.


i think not.

maybe i'm just not ready for grace....

being a clod is more my speed.

maybe i can combine them and be a graceful
clod right now.

and that is the point of this post.
to take my first step into graceful cloddiness.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

more tidbits...

i was gonna post these later, but i can't wait!
they're too good.

this is the rest of the tidbits i found last nite.
(see post below)

from kitchen table wisdom:

'fear is the friction in all transactions.'

that right there is enough to stop on and think about
for months!!

but what the heck..i've got more!

'the places in which we are seen and heard are holy
places. they remind us of our value as human beings.
they give us the strength to go on. eventually they
may even help us to transform our pain into wisdom.'

'when we pray we stop trying to control life and
remember that we belong to life. it is an opportunity
to experience humility and grace.

and finally.....

'like all genuine prayers, the prayer is a powerful
way of embracing life, finding a home in any outcome,
and remembering that there may be reasons beyond

this woman is a new hero of mine. she totally


i got a chance to snuggle in early and read last nite.
yes....STILL kitchen table wisdom...but i've made it
to the last it won't be too much longer!

this has now become one of my all time favorite books.

i wanted to share some snippets this weekend.....
i read them and went ohhhhhhhhhh and just loved them.

she's quoting a doctor who worked with 'unconditional
positive regard.'

'...before every session i take a moment to remember
my humanity.....there is no experience that this man
has that i cannot share with him, no fear that i cannot
understand, no suffering that i cannot care about,
because i too am human. no matter how deep his wound,
he does not need to be ashamed in front of me. i too
am vulnerable. and because of this, i am enough.
whatever his story, he no longer needs to be alone with
it. this is what will allow his healing to begin.'

then she writes a page later....
'the greatest gift we bring to anyone who is suffering
is our wholeness.'

'listening creates a holy silence. when you listen
generously to people, they can hear truth in themselves,
often for the first time. and in the silence of listening,
you can know yourself in everyone. eventually you may
be able to hear, in everyone and beyond everyone, the
unseen singing softly to itself and to you.'

Friday, February 20, 2009


oh! i just realized the art that will be next to
this post when it first goes up is inspired
from a melissa etheridge song! (see post below!)

i tried to find a good link on youtube to include here
and i couldn't do it. there were only two and neither
one is what i wanted to share....

if you care, maybe you can find it on yahoo music or
whatever you use......

it's a song from her album, lucky.

and i will always remember the first time i heard it.

i was waiting for my buddy who is now my guy.
he was late. and i stood in my studio just
listening to this song. i remember standing as i
was getting ready to shut things down, but i just
kept standing captivated. and i listened over and over
again. i believe i listened five times in a row.
no kidding.

i stood there with chills running up and down me.

the song is called giant.
and it's about a woman who couldn't be put down.

at the time, i was struggling really big time.
it was the hardest time i've ever known.
and if i was ever gonna crumble, it would have
been then.
several times i came really really close to just
completely crumbling.

but i didn't.

and this song was talking to me.

and what freaked me out was she would refer to herself
as 'we.'

at this time, i was just beginning to work with the
different parts of myself. i was very close to someone
who had multiple personalities and we would talk a lot
about the different parts of people. it just fascinated

and here, in this song, she was calling herself 'we'
at certain times.

i remember when i first noticed, i had to play it again
just to hear that.

i listened to that song again today.

and i remembered that first nite i ever heard it.

i've traveled quite a distance from that nite......
but i think that that song is one i need to hear
every now and again just to remember my strength.

if you're in need of a strength booster, you might
want to check it out.....

we're all giants......
we just have to remember that.

peaceful and stable? nahhhh

i had pretty much stopped listening to her.
she reminded me too much of someone i missed
a lot.

but i don't know, maybe i'm needing to feel
close to that someone these days, and maybe
it's also because melissa survived cancer,
and i need that too....

i don't know, but for some reason i keep seeking
out melissa etheridge at the oddest moments.

i got discouraged today. and i didn't want to
be discouarged today. and so i went and dug up
some of my favorite melissa songs on youtube.

i got filled with good energy.

i listened to her talk about her journey thru
life, thru cancer....and her wanting to change
the do something to make a difference.

i got filled with that too.
me too, i thought!
and laughed.
okay, maybe not quite as much as melissa....
but in my own corner anyway.....

a note popped in my mail box. a friend who has
known me for TWENTY years commented on a facebook
status i had put up saying i was mixed up.

and she said that i was the most stable person
she knew.

and i just stopped.
and i said out loud to no one in the room....

you have GOT to be kidding me.

someone just wrote a 'press release' for me for
an event i'm attending next month and she wrote
things as if i had said them about my art.
and the last thing she included was quoting me
as describing my art as something like
'rainbows from a peaceful heart.'

i so appreciated her writing this thing for me...
and i just didn't want to be picky. i just told
her maybe we could leave that one out....

'my heart's never peaceful.'

and i laughed.

that's not true.
there's peace in there at times....

but's usually pretty full of waves.


well..let's just stick with 'alive and full.'

i'm over here grinning.



but i'm okay with that.
cause i'm learning how to ride the waves
better and better.....

a really cool guy

i have always liked this guy.
i stumbled on his site one day and stopped
to read some of his writings and liked him
right away. i'm now on his newsletter list.

his inspirational topic for this newsletter
was the 'medicine of trees.'

oh yes.

i do like him.

he said the native americans refer to trees
as 'The Standing Ones' awesome is that?!
i think i will hold that in my heart for the
rest of my life....

and he goes on to talk about an experience he
had when a tree talked to him.

oh yes.

i do like him.

and finally, he ends it all with a meditation he does
where on breathing in he thinks 'just my presence...'
and on the out breath 'is enough.'

i read that and just about melted in my chair.

want to check him out?

it is my pleasure to introduce, mister david cronin.

recognizing the gift

i stopped by a friend's blog to see how her husband
is doing. he's way way sick and she blogs about their
journey thru it. want to sober up and put life in about cancer being in 65-75% of
someone's bone marrow.

i walked after that.
i felt my legs. made my arms swing just a little more
than usual. felt them.

felt health.

and felt gratitude for that health.

i walked fast and felt alive.
i filled with gratitude for the ability to just
wander around my neighborhood.

not sure we really appreciate that stuff til
it's gone....and i don't want to do that.
i want to enjoy it while i've got it, ya know?

thought of the day's totally filled
with good things. my entire day is full of things
i want to do and people i want to be with.

there isn't one doctor scheduled, one health report
i'm waiting for, one boring business meeting i have
to sit thru, no traffic in my commute.

there is work that i love, a new project that's got
me psyched, lunch with my kids, coffee with a friend
i haven't seen in years, and a warm bed waiting for
me at the end of it all...

i'm thinking that i'm pretty darn lucky.
and i'm embracing that with a big huge smile this

i thought of this couple and all they are going thru.
the heaviness of every single day.

somehow it feels like the least i can do is recognize
the gift i have today and live it.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

a stumble bum

i ran to get some tea stuff together for a friend
who was stopping by. she had called needing a shoulder.
i ran to get something done real quick before she came
over. and then i ran to the kitchen.

i literally ran all over the house.
and i laughed at myself. it felt crazy and good.

then i sat.

we sat on my studio floor, with cups of tea, sharing
a friendship that matters to both of us.

and then i ran.

i literally ran to my mail box and back so i could
make that business call before that personal call came in.

and then i sat.

i laughed in both the business call and the personal
call. and i felt alive.

i ran to make coffee.

i made huge cups of whipped cream coffee that would make
starbucks drool.

and then i sat.

i had a business meeting with my sons.

i got so psyched about what we were doin', i couldn't get
to work fast enough on it.

i hopped up to my desk to get started!

i squirmed in my chair with delight when my guy got excited
about the 'making space' idea (see posts below) and wanted
to hop on board and work on making that part of his life.

i ran to meet josh. then i sat still and talked with him.

i laughed with my guy and told him i couldn't work fast enough.

i brainstormed business stuff every time i turned around with
different people.

i talked with someone about how she's progressing in healing.

and i rolled my eyes about people who drive me crazy.

the day flew by.
i couldn't keep up.
and it didn't bother me in the least today.
i thought hard, worked hard, loved hard.

somehow i was aware that everything i was doing mattered.
maybe not WHAT i was doing but HOW i was doing it.
and the moment i was doing it, i paid attention and was

i relished my day today.

i have no idea why.
i have no idea what made that happen.

i sure wish i did as i'd repeat it over and over again.

but i don't know.

every now and then i stumble into the amazing.

today was one of those stumbles.....

my dad used to call me a stumble bum.

i thought of him tonite.

i certainly was one today, dad.
and it sure felt right.

another son.....

this seems to be a day of wise sons.....

check out another of of these guys in my life....

josh's blog.


and so i needed a jolt of my own son.

and so yo and i walked.
zakk can't quite bring himself to move
this early.

and i asked yo what his thoughts were on
arrogance. (see post below)

and as usual, his spirit knocked my sox

he said he didn't know how anyone could be
anything but humbled when they looked
around themselves.

that there were so many people so good at
so many different things. that he was
humbled every day.

he said you either had to be blind to that
or think you know all the answers. and then
he added 'how exhausting would that be? to
have to have all the answers?!"

he then talked of all the talent he sees
around him. and he talked with such admiration
and respect.

it was like a breath of fresh air.

we talked about the people who REALLY knew
their stuff and didn't put that in your face.

and...i seems to me that the
really talented people are the ones who can
offer admiration easily. i have found that
the people who come to me and compliment me the
most are people who are so outta my league
in talent. but they share admiration for me

they have the confidence to see everyone's

ohhhh let's do that again!

they have the confidence to see everyone's

ohhhhh i like that.

think i'm gonna have to send that to my email
buddy.....see what he says.

and as far as yo goes? he humbles me every day.

creating spaces

i got into an email conversation this morning
with a young man who is the most arrogant person
i know.

i have no patience for arrogance.
luckily i don't run into it very often.
when i do my reaction usually is something
like: yeah, whatever. leave.

and here he was. not only that, he was writing
to tell me WHY he was so arrogant.

what now, ter?

delete button?
a snippy response?
deal with it later?

i actually care about him.
deep breath, and some effort here.

i was gonna write to him about my hero, stevie
ray vaughn, and how the sheer humbleness of this
man is one of the things i admire the most.

but wait.

just because i admire humbleness, doesn't mean
this guy does.

maybe he admires arrogance.
i have to stop thinking everyone thinks like
me and figure out where we're standing in this
sea of thoughts.

and so i asked him some questions.

didn't put any of my thoughts out. just asked
him questions.

the emails went back and forth a bit.

and then the weirdest thing happened.

he asked ME a question.

a real question. something he'd been wrestling

i answered. apparently i used a word that helped
him and that may be all he needed from me.
he may be done. he may be back. who knows.

but i saw how i had made a space for him to ask.

making a space.

someone recently mentioned to me that i was good
at that. making spaces for people.

i had never thought of it that way before, and i have
been captivated by that idea.

and i think she's right. i can do that.

and i also think that when i don't, i feel it, and
i don't like it.

i think that if i was clear on it, i could have sat down
right away, with the first email and asked myself how
i could make a space here.

he came to me.
he was looking for one.

turns out i did it without trying.
i got lucky this time.
but what if was aware of that all the time?

what if i held that concept in my mind?

and then of course, not just making space for everyone
else....but making space for me.

it's a concept that has captured my curiosity.

i noticed it this morning big time....

and now i want to intentionally play with it all day.

how do we create spaces for others?
and how do we create them for ourselves?
and why the heck does that matter?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

tension magic

i just found the artist we're going to feature
next month on our site.

her art is so similar to mine, it's scary.
we are definitely kindred spirits. maybe sisters
from a past life!

i got so excited about it and asked her if she'd
join us. i am really tickled about this.

she said that i must have learned what she learned
in life....that it feels good to love and give
and uplift because there's always enough to go around.

i smiled.


i have moments.
like with this, i'm really excited.

the guys laughed at me and said 'go ahead, promote
the competition. it's like shell saying go shop
at exxon.'

i laughed.

no it's not. it's sharing stuff.
and i know that.

thing is......
i also know that i haven't totally learned what
she credited me with.

there's still the moments of fear and holding on
too tight, and not wanting to give, wanting to hold

people don't see that as much as it's quiet and
deep inside me....

i don't get it either.
once you've experienced the good from the other
way, why is it hard to hold that?? why is it so
easy to go to the tight way?

thick headed, i guess.
that's what i told her.

don't know.

seems like i have that a lot. the constant
tension of both those worlds....
the open and the tight...

maybe there's magic in that tension between
the two?!

now i like that idea.
i like that idea a lot.

it makes my struggles turn magical.

i'm goin' with that theory.

so, like hey, why'd he leave you anyway?

it happened again.
someone very gently asked me why my husband
left me.

ya know, there hasn't been ONE person
who thought differently. every one who's
asked thought it was his leaving.

that really makes me wonder.

i can't figure out why that's the case.

and it's always said in a really gentle way.
i had one guy tell me that my husband was
crazy to leave me.
but um......oh shoot now what do i say??

it was my finishing up. not his.

that's always been so hard for me to say too.

i've heard myself say lots of times
'yeah, well, it was my fault. i did this.'

and hang my head in shame.

that's healthy, huh?!


at least i haven't done that in years.

altho i still feel the head cock to the side
in some kinda apologetic pose....

then i try to sputter in ten words or less
how i discovered i was living a life without

then their eyebrows go up, and i scramble harder
and throw in childhood and before you know it,
everyone from my past sounds like monsters.

and i've only made it worse.

there were no monsters.
just people missing what matters....
including myself.

i can't figure out why the thought process goes
like it goes. is the guy always the creep that
runs off with the younger woman? or is it because
i don't seem to have a guy in my life, so i must
not have left or there'd be a guy??

or is it that no one would create all the pain
and stress of divorce and livin' on your own on

or is it as simple as they look at me and figure
he ran, couldn't stand the emotions!


that last one could very well be it.

change is hard.
divorce is hell.

rebuilding your life is hard.
living a life you love is heaven.

truth is......i didn't cause the divorce on my own.
it's a joint venture. always is.

and the truth is....i haven't rebuilt my life on
my's a community venture...always is.

it's what we do with it inside us...
that's the thing that's our very own, isn't it?

me and the sky

i've just gotten in from a walk....
just now.
there was no snow.

i looked out the window after i posted
just now and there's some flurries in
the air!

my first thought?

NOW you snow.
right after i walked inside.

my second thought?
it started right after i posted about
lovin' myself.

it's the sky sendin' down a nice big nod.
gettin' my attention. tellin' me that that's
a good idea.

and i smiled.

me and the sky.
we're buddies.

me and my mind.
we're nuts.

thank goodness.

no one saw. no one heard. no one loved.

wow, did i have a dream last nite.
one of the saddest dreams i've ever had.

why last nite?
what was it all about?

i walked, thought about it, and the tears
ran down my face.

it's just a dream, ter.
but mygosh, it hit some deep feelings.

rather than type out this whole dream and
make everyone cry....
let me give you the bottom line....

no one saw. no one heard. no one loved.

i walked and thought and wondered what i was
sposed to do with that?

my mind went all over the place...
the bottom line that i came up with is this...

we have GOT to do that for ourselves.
we have GOT to see ourselves, hear ourselves
and love ourselves.

yes, i went to the see others, hear others,
and love others....
and yes, we've got to do that....

but the bottom line came down to ourselves.
until we can really do that for ourselves,
we can't really really do that for others....

that's my thought for the day.
not a new one by any means.
but one i must revisit over and over again.

to see myself, hear myself and love myself today....

more of a challenge than we realize, i think.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

living rich

i ran back in from putting the mail out.
closed my front door, leaned on it and
looked around.

i love doin' that.

i love my house. the feeling i get when i'm
inside it. when i step inside.

there were hearts everywhere. and i smiled.
and i just felt good.

when i go pour my tea....
i always stop and feel.
my feet on the floor, the feel of my kitchen,
the sound of the water being poured.

i love that.

those are things that make me smile every time.

there's the sitting around my kitchen table with
the guys and listening to their caveman banter.

there's the newest thing of squirting this mmmmmm
smelling musk on myself as i sit at my computer.

these are all things i love.
and within the hour i will have touched every single
one of those things. i will have experienced them,
and smiled.

i will have touched gold.
i will have lived rich.

a very awesome thing to realize........

a whole new balance

ohmygosh the thoughts keep swirlin'....

and voices and voices that have said different
things to me...

things like.....

'why would you reach out? it's going to be nothing
but heartache.'

'you need to work on your boundaries.'

'don't give yourself away in the process.'

or how about this one?
'i never knew how much support from someone
mattered until i needed it so bad and you were
there.' and then the same person chooses not
to be there for someone else.....because it's too

that one is stuck inside me right now.

i have made tremendous progress in working
on my boundaries and not giving myself away.
of recognizing that people don't really want
to change a lot of times and that's not my deal.

tremendous progress.
with a much longer way to go.
a long long ways to go.
i know that.

and yet how did i learn?
i learned by living it.
by living the mistakes.
by trying to be there for people who were
surrounded in darkness.

i don't know how to NOT reach out and still feel
that i'm living what matters.

i don't know how to watch people in darkness
and not put my hand out.

and here's the part that i'm sitting with...

i'm not sure i want to learn that.

i thought i did.
i thought it was about taking care of myself.
i thought it was about boundaries.

but it feels more like stunting myself.
more like becoming a zombie.

it seems there has to be a median.

a reaching out with boundaries.
a caring without giving away.

i believe there is one.
and i believe i can live that median.

holding my hands to my side because it's too
hard feels like i'm shorting myself.
like i'm not trusting myself to do the

i'm way emotional, yes.
but i'm not stupid. and i do learn.
and i do watch.

those voices are just voices of people who care
and who have seen me torn up. they don't want to
see that anymore. they only care.

thing is........
it feels like protection.

and well.....i'm thinking i'm more concerned
with living fully than living protected.

and torn up....i don't like torn up either.
but somehow in that tearing and repasting together
and healing the seams....
somehow that's gonna get me where i want to go.

i have been so concerned with not giving myself away
that i believe i've headed in the wrong direction...

time to stop and turn a bit...
and try a whole new place....
a whole new path....
a whole new balance.

Monday, February 16, 2009

kinda cool stuff

oh this is so good.
a sweet friend just checked in on me after
reading the blog string here.
making sure i wasn't being too hard on myself.

thank you, mary!
i love that she cares enough to check in like that.
and that she can be honest enough to ask!

and i thought i'd throw it out here as this
whole string (see posts below) is about the
process of living how i want to today.

so i thought i'd throw that out here...

i haven't been hard on myself this time.
now, i freely admit...i'm the first to kick
myself and be really really hard on myself.

but today i didn't do that....
i was just honest.

saying what i wanted and didn't want and
what i claimed as choices and how i saw

honesty is the hardest thing to have, i think.
because it's so hard to really see clearly
what's goin on with yourself.

so maybe my honesty sounded like i was being
but no. not this time, anyway!

there is so much going on in my life that is
there just is.
and yes, it's gonna swing me all over the place
as there's much that's really really good at
the same time.

here's the thing tho.....
the hard is always going to be there.
there's always going to be the rough patches.
i want to live how i want to live with those
things goin' on at the same time.

yeah, right.
i know.
i know.

but if the goal is to be love....
and it is.....
then i gotta be love thru the hard stuff too.

now that might sound demanding on myself?
maybe that's what she's picking up???

it's not said with that tone or expectation
at all...

it's said with a goal in mind and a strategy.
that's all. a deep desire.
and maybe this.......
maybe this.....
i hadn't thought of it before.....
but a belief that i can make progress with this.
i think so.

i want it.
so i want to figure this out.

it's a good thing.
the stuff i was/am angry about and frustrated with
is still there...

but my heart moved. i still have anger. if i dwell
on it, i can feel the anger.

the choice is not to dwell on it.
that's my choice right now.

it's where i dwell, i guess.
and who a few hours anger or sadness
may overtake me. i wouldn't be surprised if it did.

and if it does, then maybe i can use it and watch.

because it's in the watching that i'm learning.

and it's in the learning that i'm growing.

and it's in the growing that i'm becoming.


kinda cool stuff, huh?

tears and calls want something to put it all back
in perspective, call someone who's going into
chemo for the first time.

her hormones are a mess from all the surgery...
and she can't stop crying.

totally totally shook me up.

and totally totally brought back that
rush of gratitude for all that i have....

and landed me totally back
into living fully.

a bone sigh to the rescue

did i say days?
did i say hours?
(see post below)

how about minutes?

and get's a bone sigh
that's helping me.....

that's so darn cool.

i was just diggin' thru my bone sighs
for something i needed and came across
this one:

and i asked the universe for answers
and was given someone to love.
somewhere deep in my heart i heard a voice,
'learn to truly love beyond yourself and you
will find those answers.'


it's not about me, is it?
it's not about my personal convenience,
or my personal idea of what it all 'should'
be like, is it?

it's about love.
and caring.
this is huge......

read that part again.
THAT is the big thing here...


so i just took the first step back to those
original thuoghts of this morning....
because i see that i am not loving right now.

i've seen this around me several times recently...

friends of mine pulling in and not being love in
certain instances in their lives because of the
hurt that had happened to them....

and i watched.
and i wondered what would win out.
the hurt or the love.

and i knew darn was up to them.
their choice.

and now.
here it is in my very own lap.
what will be my choice.
because it IS a choice.

it's a no brainer for me.
if i can see it, i know which i want.
it's the seeing it that's the hard part.
the knowing that you have the opportunity
to grab love, to be love.

i miss that a lot.

or it takes me a bit to see it....

well, i just saw it.
and it changed EVERYTHING inside of me.

way cool.
now.....i'll let it sit a bit and grow.

so then maybe i can pick up where i left
off this morning.......

and the journey continues......

first thought

first thing i noticed on this journey...
(see post below)

while proofreading the last blog i said
'i can't do it.'


i WON'T do it.

think i'd better claim that one.

this is a choice i'm making.

and right away that felt powerful.

cause WHY am i making it???


a different thought combination....

let's see....
what were those thoughts/concepts i was
going to combine today???

living fully/trust/magical thinking.

oh yeah.
that was them.

how about these instead:

shutting down/frustration/angry thinking

half grin.


the point of this whole blog is not to put
brilliant insights out there (good thing too!)
it's to put my journey out in hopes that others
can relate.... it is.....
no brilliant insights....just the darn stinkin'
raw journey.

i am frustrated, angry, and closed right now.

and i keep thinking about the earlier blog...
combining all those wonderful thoughts....

so what i wanted to put out here is that at
this moment i can't do it.

i'm hoping to be able to reach that point
within a few hours.....

hmmmmm......a few days???

i don't know what to do with it right now.

i don't want to just say 'well, ter, just
stop and feel gratitude.'

cause i WANT to feel frustrated and angry.

i'm not done with that yet.

so i figure i'll sit with this a bit,
say some real nasty things in my head until
i get it out a bit...
and then see where it takes me.....

thought i'd try and record the journey here.

hmmmmmm........we shall see........

christie's magical thinking

well.....ya know.......i think i can
get carried away with thought combination
day!!! (see post below)

i just stopped by my buddy christie's blog
and read her post on magical thinking.

i love that phrase.

so...i got to thinking.

what if i add 'magical thinking' in to
the living fully/trust thought combination
that i wanted to kinda play with today?!

where does that leave us?
or should i say TAKE US?!

living fully + trust + magical thinking =

ohhhhh don't you just want to find out?!

thank you christie for adding the magic
to my day!!

thought combination day

it was tough to get up this morning.
i had wanted to get up and conquer the world...
but when the alarm went off...
ohhhh the thought of actually taking the
holiday off filled my head.

as i took my walk, i seemed half way between
both worlds....focused work day/mindless lazy day.

my brain went all over the place. random strings
of thoughts twisting everywhere.

ranging from my seventh grade shop teacher,
to the meaning of life....

at the end of every random thought, i seemed to
come to the same ending.....

the same thought that has been on my mind for
weeks now...

live it now.
live it fully.
be present.
embrace the gift.

trust has been the other theme with me that
will run rampant, end thoughts and be all i
can come up with as any kinda answer to anything.

i haven't combined them yet.
they've been separate thoughts at separate times...

but i'm thinking...
the time has come to combine them.
to filter all my thoughts with BOTH these concepts.

can you imagine if i could???

hmmmmmmm.......gotta start sometime.
since today's a holiday and i need to do something
to make it feel different........perhaps it's time
to do this!

it's not only presidents can also
be thought combination day~!

why not?

i'm in.

let's see what happens......

Sunday, February 15, 2009


so i mentioned this song in the post below.
i tried to find a youtube link to it and couldn't.
(i wanted to put it here if you were curious)
it's called 'my back door'....

and in it, she sings this part about her feelings
being gone. that she just can't feel them anymore.
and she sings out 'i can't feel it! i can't feel it!'

and my gosh........
i just so knew that feeling.

that 'where did it go??' feeling.

as i was relating to this and feeling that frightening
feeling of realizing it's gone.....

well............i realized that i had actually come
back to life.

there's so much sadness goin' on around me sometimes
that i don't know if i'm ever going to really come
back to life.

i worry about that.
that 'i can't feel it' feeling about some of the good
stuff i used to carry.....
i worry that i won't make it back.

and there i was hearin' this song, feelin' like i'd
explode thru the roof of my car....
and i realized.....
i AM back!!!!

i am back!
i am back!
i have been back!

i'm just a little bit different.
but i think that's part of the deal.
i was going to say permanent now...but noooo...
because that will change again too into
something else.........

and that is good and fine and the way it goes.

the big thing is.....

exploding skulls and logic brained guys

there's a new event in my life.
a once a week meet up with a purpose.
the purpose is to bond father and son.
father, son and i meet up and we just
be together.

today was meet up number two.
and i'm thinking these may turn into
something really good.

so i'm giving this some thought and trying
to come up with things that will help.
both father and son are very very logical.

we actually had some topics to talk about...
sciencey stuff that i was gonna try to
sit thru and maybe even participate with...
definitely smile and nod if i had to...

on my way over, i was listening to melissa
etheridge in the car. and there's this one
song that made we want to
explode out of my skull and thru the roof
of my car.

no kidding.

i know that father and son both have trouble
feeling their emotions. and so i thought this
would be interesting to bring up.

so i told them about the exploding skull feeling.
i told it with great feeling, great enthusiasm,
and great hand motions.

i wondered if they ever got that and if they
didn't did they want it???

a very interesting conversation followed.

i already knew our brains worked way different.
but i had no idea how different.

something father brought up that was easy to him,
i find as difficult as moving boulders with my

son agreed with father.
easy peasy.

i was stunned.

i'm still stunned.
some of the things they find so easy....
man, if they were easy for me, i gotta say,
i could just make myself into who i wanted to
be today. it would be that simple.

but um.
it's so not.

on the way home i put the song on again.

and the exploding skull feeling came back....
and i grinned.

it's okay.
they never get this feeling.
and i cannot imagine living without it.

i guess i'd rather try to move boulders with
my pinkies if it means i get to feel like my
skull is gonna explode with emotion sometimes.

sometimes i just love being so full with a feeling
that i think i won't be able to contain it all.

that....that is just........
well.....i don't know............
it's something i never ever want to lose.

hope and friends...and love

i've mentioned her here before....
the lady who's been coming for years now
and bringing me bible verses to think about.
which is slightly odd as i'm not even christian.
but we manage beautifully together anyway.

we've shared some of life together thru the
visits. some of its joys. some of its losses.
and many many hugs.

as i sat having lunch with my guy yesterday,
there she was at my door. no bible. not with
anyone else. just her. it wasn't an 'official'

i pulled her in to finally meet that guy of mine.

turns out she was actually coming by just to find
me. just to make sure i was okay.

and there were tears in her eyes.

she had been worried as she knows my routine,
and hadn't found me after several tries and things
seemed 'different' here. the studio was dark
when she'd peek in...and she worried.

she turned to my guy and told him that she had
grown to really love me and she was thinking something
was really really wrong.

she came to find out if i was okay.

that was yesterday. valentine's day. i asked her
if she celebrated that day. she did not. i asked her
why. and we got to talking about celebrating and holidays
and such. she told me how she celebrated in her own way.
it was quite beautiful to see her face light up about
her own celebrations. and i was really happy for her that
she had a way that made her equally as happy as mine
made me.

she's on my mind this morning. and what she did is on
my mind.

the complete caring and love she showed me stunned me.
when she turned to tell my guy she loved me she said
'as i'm sure you do too.'
he agreed.

i stood there kinda thinking 'wow. how weird is this.
they love me.'

she doesn't know it, but she gave me one of my best
valentines......just doing what she did. just loving
me like that.

she may not have been celebrating valentine's day
yesterday, but she certainly was spreading love. and
she certainly touched my holiday.

the connections.
the paths crossing.
the fingers touching.
the intertwining of us all thru this crazy journey.

it really really hit me when she came by.

every person we meet....we just don't know how we're gonna
touch and be part of do we?

it amazes me.
and it tickles me.
and somehow it gives me hope......

and as she said to me yesterday.....
we need hope to get thru this life.
i smiled at her and said 'hope and friends.'

she smiled back.

'yes. hope and friends,' she agreed.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

valentine gifts

the kids distracted me in their office while
the man who used to hate valentine's day set
up these huge inflatable hearts in my living room.
(you know those inflatable snowmen and santas
that are the rage these days at christmas??
well, think that but hearts)

i came down to these huge hearts standing on a cloud
in the middle of my living room.

he peeked around the corner grinning.

there were roses and some kooky wind heart thing that
will hang on my porch and blow in the wind....

all from the man who hated valentine's day when i met him.

we talked later and i thanked him up and down.
couldn't believe he had even bought roses when he swore he'd
never do that.....

he explained why he did to me.
and what he said melted me.
THAT was the gift from him.

we visited my elderly neighbor and brought her a valentine.
she didn't look so good when she answered the door.
we sat and talked and joked and laughed. at one point
her face totally lit up and she looked at me and said
'you tickle me.' her whole being was changed from when
we had first got there.

THAT was the gift from her.

and then....i did it.....i purposely looked in the darker
corners and shone some heart lite. i really did it.
and the universe handed me the chance to tell someone that
i struggle with, that i loved her.

THAT was the gift from the universe.

all day i thought of love.
all day i tried real hard to open to it.

one time i found myself wanting to close just a little bit
just to protect myself....
and then i changed my mind.....
i remembered the day.

josh is due in soon to report how his valentine gig went.
before he leaves, i want to tell the guys once again how
they are my personification of love and what it is that
they mean to me.

that's how i want to end the day.

then i'm gonna head to bed. i dragged the huge hearts into
my room. they are at the foot of my bed. they light up!!!
and i am going to sleep with the hearts inflated at the end
of the bed.

but first, i'm gonna lay real quiet and just look at them
and think of all the love that surrounds me.....

THAT will be my gift to me.

it's all about love

it's not about being single.
it's not about being a couple.

i honestly don't think that's what valentine's
day is about.

it's about love.

all kindsa love!!!

there's self love.
have you gone there???

is it too hard? too weird???

and how many people give themselves a valentine???
but how cool would that be if that was part of the

what if it was just as common to ask what you are
doing for yourself to show love as it is to ask what
you're doing for your partner???

can you imagine??

hey, ter, whatchya doin' for yourself for valentine's
day? did you get yourself a treat or send yourself
a sappy note???

ohhhh wouldn't that be so fun????

then there's the whole 'god is love' theme.......

i love that thought, altho i hate the phrase.
i guess the phrase has become trite in my mind.
but the thought boggles and blows my mind to bits.
whether it's a god 'out there watching you' or a
god inside your depths......if it's all about love.....
what a concept!

so what if it was just as common to ask 'what are
you doing to touch that love today? what are you doing
to remind yourself that you are love/ed beyond your
capacity to even comprehend? what are you doing today
to remember that love?'


then there's the family love.

oh my goodness. don't even get me started on family.
but i gotta say i love my extended family like i love
no other people on the planet. and they have been some
of my biggest teachers when it comes to loving.

what have you done to stop and honor that today?
sometimes...and it's rare....but it happens....
i want to fall on my knees in gratitude for all they
have taught me. maybe today's the day for that kinda

and then the fun family! the kids!!!
when i found myself unable to believe that love even
existed....the only place i could find it was with
my kids.

what a place to rejoice and touch love! what have
you done to let them know that they are your
personification of love???

and then there's friends.
i think that what my friends have meant to me is
just beyond words for me.....they are truly love in
my life.....
what have we done to let our friends know today that
we love them????

and yes....i am lucky enough to have a partner to
share it with today.

as it turns crazy about valentine's day
has a partner who isn't into holdiays...let alone
valentine's day!!!

so,'s not all the romantic deal from my
partner....but as he points out....he's romantic all
the time without being forced into it on one particular

i'm grinnin'.
he doesn't get it yet.
he just doesn't get it yet.

but i'm okay with that.
because i'm gonna teach him!!!
and how fun will that be?!

it's about love.
all the way around about love.

what have you done today to thank it for being
in your life???

how you do anything......

yes, i am STILL reading 'kitchen table wisdom.'
i figure this will go on for a few more months
as i only read tiny bits at a time.

this morning i read a little more....

she mentioned that carl jung would sometimes ask
his patients what they had been doing before they
arrived at their therapy session. they could tell
him the most mundane things like grocery shopping
or whatever. and he'd ask them questions on how
they did things. he could find out how they lived
by how they did their every day tasks.

makes me think of the business card josh just got
printed up that came in yesterday. i opened the
box to check them. on the back is the quote
'how you do anything is how you do everything.'

i love that.
(and i love josh for putting that on there!)
and i think it's brilliant what jung did.
(i'm a definite jung fan!)(i'm a definite josh fan too)

of course.
i'm thinking about that.
thought i'd throw it out there for anyone else
to think about too.

i haven't figured out how i do my mundane tasks.
i haven't figured out how i 'do anything'....
i just read this...
but i sure want to pay attention.

i think i'm also going to think of what would be
a really great way to 'do anything'....and pay
attention to that.....

you know....strive to what i think would be the
way to do it.....

there we go!
more food for thought!

Friday, February 13, 2009

painting love in some of the darker corners....

i got this quote in from the daily love....

"The more I think about It,
the more I realize there is
nothing more artistic than
to love others."

thought that was perfect to prep for
valentine's day!

my guy thought i always loved
valentine's day.


silly man.


of course not.

i used to hate it.

and then i figured out that it wasn't about
the guy who gave me a was about
spreading love wherever i could.

and then it became my favorite holiday!

the holiday of love!

you get to spread love around that day.

oh so easy.
oh so fun.


it always has been easy for me.
there's always people i treasure and want
to tell.....

but readin' that ol' quote (who, by the
way was quoted from vincent van gogh which
adds to the awesomeness of it!)...made
me think.

how about with the people i don't find it
all that easy to love???


oh yeah.

for pete's sake, terri, can't you just
go do some joyful loving tomorrow?
do you HAVE to throw in a challenge???



i do.

cause seems to me that the challenge is
going to add to the art of the whole thing.

it's gonna add to the depth of the color of
that day for me.

if i really want to learn how to be an artist
with this love stuff....well, then, i'm thinking
a little challenge is part of the game.


and the colors begin to swirl in my mind.
what will i paint?

super power eyes and dancing with the trash men

i was walking thinking about some emotions
i was having that i wished i wasn't having.

crossing over to the other side of the street,
i glanced down a side street. the moment i
glanced, a man who had been walking my way
turned right around and went the opposite way.

oohhh. that was weird. wow. it was like my
eyes had super powers. turn them in any direction
and they can ward off things coming your way.

how totally awesome.

i got to thinking about having super power eyes.
how cool it would be to see an emotion coming
that you could just flash your eyes at and whoosh
they turn around and go the other way.

ohhhhh i really like that. i stood at my goodmorningworld
spot and thought of how convenient that would be and
how maybe i need to work on that power.

as i turned to head back, who should i see coming
my way, but the man my super power eyes had turned

so much for super power.

i grinned.
that didn't work.

i'm never exactly thrilled to see men coming my way
on a walk. and lately, my neighborhood is filled with
big burly men wandering around. it always makes me
a little nervous. it's a fear thing. i had a scary experience
once in the neighborhood and it's left me a little creeped

and here i was up in the tree part of the walk....
nothin' to do but look over and say hello.
he was talkin' on his phone. totally harmless. and he
gave me the warmest hello and a wave.

there, ter. my gosh. he's just a neighbor.
nothing your super power eyes had to turn away.

and i thought about that.

it's the same with my emotions.
they aren't anything my super power eyes have
to turn away. they're just coming thru. just like
this guy was. sometimes i'm afraid of them.
cause i've had some experiences that have creeped
me out....but they themselves are fine.
just travelin' thru my space.

and as i was thinking about this, the trash guys
came thru. i like them. they're just so full of life.
they laughed as they blasted by me and made me

at one point in the walk, they were backing up
fast. really fast. straight shot backwards out of
a court. i was at the end of the court. exactly
where they were heading.

making a face, and letting a little 'yikes' slip out,
i got out of their way. i stepped on the grass and
made the 'after you' signal as i laughed with them.

they stopped close by and the one guy hopped out
and so incredibly nimbly threw the trash on the
truck. we were so close. it felt as all the interaction
between us was some kinda goofy dance.

clearly, we'd be dancing our way down the street
here, so i turned myself around with a wave and
went the other way.

that's it, ter.
that is it.

not the super power eyes that don't work anyway.
but the goofy dance that can be walked away from
with a simple wave and a turn of a direction.

think of your emotions as the trash men.

what were your reactions?

jumping in fear, laughing, getting out of the way,
turning the other way when you're done. goin' in
a different direction when the time is right.

they don't control me. they just come thru.
they play with me a bit, they almost run me down
sometimes, but they're just coming thru.

as i went down yet another street, i saw a trashcan
right in the middle of the road. yeah, these guys
had left it there. and i smiled. it didn't bother
me, it didn't agitate me. i just moved it.

a road block left without care.

my emotions will do that.
leave road blocks.
but i always react.
i don't just smile and move it to the side of the
road. i react.

what if i just smiled and moved it?

what if i danced with my emotions like i danced with
the trash men?

and what if i used my super power eyes to watch
myself do that?