part one...

i knew i was in bad shape as i drove.
first of all, i had melissa etheridge on.
sure sign of not in a good spot.
second, i kept playing just a couple
of songs over and over and over and
over again.

if i missed a line i was looking for
cause i was driving or something, i'd
redo the whole song.

over and over i listened to three songs.

since it was rush hour, i avoided the
main drag around here and went back ways.

brought me thru my home town.
drove right by the neighborhood i grew
up in. past my elementary school.

i looked at the sidewalks i walked
as a kid.....

memories flooded thru as i turned up
the music and felt my whole being filling
up with something i couldn't figure out
yet.

as i hit her town, i passed the street
of my morning angel who sent me the note
(see post below). they live in the same town.
i drove by her street. the music blaring.
by now i knew i was fillin' up with something
powerful. i looked over in the direction of
her house with eyes filled with tears and
waved.

and i kept goin'.

by the time i hit her house, i was filled
with that desire i get sometimes. that desire
that feels like it's in every single cell of
my being.

that feeling of wanting to touch it all,
live it all, express it all.....the feeling
of life exploding inside of you.

one of the songs i was listening to was
'testify.'
she's singing her heart out with these words:

must i live my days in these concrete ways
will the fire break thru this smokey haze
and i swear tonite i'm gonna find that place
it's not the love that dies but the
understanding ways.
i want to testify my love still lives and
breathes and my soul is screaming why.

by the time i pulled into her driveway
i was ready to run head on into life..........

part two

i've never been to a place like it before.

what a business cancer is.
it's booming.

plenty of room for all......
and lots of people in and out.

the nurses were gorgeous and loving.
they have my admiration and respect.

the people seemed caught between
trying not to think about it and
having that all they can think of.

denial mixed with fear mixed with
frustration mixed with hiding mixed
with prettying it all up mixed with
the reality of the faces was a lot
to watch.

i looked over at her.
how could she look so cute when she
was so sick.

i told her she was adorable.

i looked again....she looked pretty tired.

again....and she looked pretty worn.....

again....and she looked relieved.

almost done.

thru the whole thing she smiled, talked
to everyone and cared about everyone
around her.

she was reading an article about gratitude
helping in the healing process.

and she told me she couldn't help but
feel gratitude for all the people who
have been so kind to her.

i tried to tell her it was a cycle...that
she helped that happen.

she didn't hear.

we never seem to hear that stuff, do we?

no matter.

she was sitting there getting chemo pumped
into her telling me of her gratitude.

i was humbled.

part three....

she's 75. and i knew from her socks,
i liked her.

we talked. she and her friend.
me and mine.

same cancers. or close enough, i spose.
she's a veteran. been thru it all for
seven years.

seven years.

i can't even imagine.

and there she sat....
smiling, gracious, kind, loving and warm.

i watched her.
wondering about her.
finding myself wanting to know how she felt
about things. was she scared. what did she
feel way down deep.

i didn't ask.

it wasn't mine to touch.

but as i sat there, i held her in my heart
real deep. and i cared a lot about how she
was doing.

we left first.

i went over to her.
reached for her hand as she reached for mine.
held hers for a moment.

it couldn't just be a 'see ya later' for me.
but what could i do?

i just looked her in the eyes and wished her
well. but i so so so meant it.

she looked in mine and thanked me for my
kindness.

i was surprised.

she looked like she meant it.

i felt the same way about her.

i forgot.
that's usually a two way street.
today it was a four way street.
or maybe a sixway street....
definitely a whole highway full.

there was so much kindness between the
four of us this afternoon. between a lot
of us this afternoon.

you could touch it.
you could feel it.
you could see it.

it was a gift running thru the veins
as powerful as any of that stuff they
were pumping bag after bag today.

again, i was humbled.

part four...

i turned the music back on as i drove home....
blaring again.

i saw life where i didn't expect it.
and i saw dying where there should have been life...

that's what got me the most.

the walking dead.

the ones who were throwing it away and who
weren't the ones sitting there getting poisons
pumped into them.

the ones walking around tubeless, pumping their
own poisons into their souls.

and i turned the music up louder.

and i drove a wee bit faster.

and i vowed to live with all i had.......

and finally.....

he wanted this boat.
used boat.
fishing in the bay boat.
great deal boat.
not so practical boat.

he decided not to get it.

he told me several times.
he asked at work. they said don't.
you'll be sorry. not practical.
don't do it.

he told me he wasn't gonna get it.

told him he should.
he deserved something nice.
he'd enjoy it.
it would be good for him.
go for it.
enjoy it.
life is for now.
do it.

as i drove up today, he called.
he bought the boat.

he bought it today.
of all days.
he bought it today.

a life day. a learn how to live day.

'thanks for showin' me how to live'
he said.

i blew it off.
didn't think he meant anything.

as i drove home thinking of people walking
around dead while alive, he called again.

he said it again.
'you show me how to live, ter.'

and he meant it.

i heard him. he meant it.

and tonite, after this incredible day,
i am turning to myself and asking the same
from myself.

show me how to live, ter.
show me how to live......

a note from an angel....

i was a little bit down. and i kept thinking of
my science experiment....'TOW.'

see, i haven't forgotten it.......for one week..
up til thursday, do all i can to trust, open,
and be who i want to be.

well, yeah, sounds nice.
been a lotta work on this end tho.
i've done good. but then i hit one spot where
i just kinda shut down.
i saw it. was aware of it. was aware of my science
experiment and watched.

i didn't want to FORCE myself with stuff. i wanted
to push some limits....but not force myself.

so i watched. and i kept an eye on my goal....
and i did it. not in a matter of moments. it took
awhile.

but i saw the process. i had to think thru things,
figure out how i felt. all of that stuff.

then when i finally hit my open and trusting spot,
i heard from a really good friend some really sad
news.

my heart was heavy when i got in the shower last
nite. i tried to wash off some of the closing down
i was feeling.

this morning i felt pretty sad as i sat down to
my computer. it's the day i help out with a chemo
appointment....and there's a few other things sittin'
on my shoulders and i just felt sad.

i looked at my note to myself to remind me to trust,
open and be who i want to be.

yeah.
right.

then i got a note from an angel.
she sent me oriah mountain dreamer's poem called
the invitation.
if you don't know it, you want to.

it's like the universe sent my friend.......
she knew the chemo appointment was today.
last thing she said in her note was 'be open.'

so that's when the tears hit.

i'm printing out the poem and bringing it with me
today.

and i'm gonna be open.

cause an angel came and reminded me today.......

appointments

tomorrow i take her to her chemo appointment.
it's gonna be an all day thing, between the
drive with traffic, the helpin' with her son,
the actual appointment which is at least
five hours.....it's a whole day thing.....

and in a way, i'm really glad it is.

because i know it's gonna affect me big time.
and i want some time to sit with it and let
it soak in and not have to take care of
business right away.

i want to be stuck in traffic on the way home
and just think.

i'm bringing a laptop so i'll prolly be doin'
some work as i'm hangin' out.
but i'll be curious exactly what kind of work
comes out of me.

maybe bone sigh writing.

i walked and thought about it this morning.
i'm not going to get poison flushed thru my
body. i'm so darn lucky to just be the one
helpin'.

i cannot waste this gift i've got, ya know?

and so i turn to my day to live it.......

mantras

it's up to me.
the whole stinkin' deal is up to me.
it's not about what someone outside of
me can give me.
it's not about finding it anywhere but
within.

i think i have that down.
then i see.....um.
no.
that's not what you were doin' there,
were you?

um.
no.
you were lookin' outside yourself there,
weren't you?

oh yeah.
ohhhhhh yeah.

and i try again.

everything i need is within me.

that was my mantra when i first started
taking this intentional journey i've been
on.....

i put it away cause i thought i had it.

major big sheepish grin here.

ohmy.

time to pull it out again.

thanking the colors....

ohmygosh is it pretty out.
and ohmygosh did i need to be out in it.

there's something about the colors today.
they're northern.
i have no idea what that means in words,
but i do in feel and looks.

i love the north. the colors are different.
they're silvery darker or something.
they're my favorite.

and there they were this morning. all around
me.

i walked.
i was actually feelin' kinda angry about
something.

yeah, ms. no anger was feelin' angry.
weird dream.
brought up some stuff.
and i was ready to punch someone.

and at one point i was walkin' and
the colors just called me into them.
forget the anger.
come on in here.

wow.

and i did.

there's still some stuff swirlin'
inside....but the colors took over
the main deal.

and i let them.

i think that was what made it extra cool.
i let them.

it's a choice, isn't it, ter?

it's all a choice.

the chance to choose you.

i woke up this morning with a thought.....

'there comes a time when you gotta pick, ter.
the past or the present/future. you can't
hang on to the past and keep goin' into a
really gorgeous present/future if you do.
there comes a time you gotta pick.'

then i grinned.
'knucklehead' i tenderly called myself.

i got out of bed thinking....

it's not *A* time. not one single time.
why do i persist in thinking that?!

i picked continually thru my divorce
saga. even my husband looked at me one
day and shook his head. i'm not sure if
he thought that if he made it hard enough,
i'd give in and stay. but i think so.
he looked at me and said 'i know you, terri.
and you gotta REALLY want this to go thru this
much pain to get it.'

i'll never forget that moment.
i realized how i couldn't go back. ever.
no matter what the cost.
and he was gonna make me pay.

i chose then. at that moment. i chose never
going back.

but it's not a one time pick.

over and over and over a thousand times
since, i've wrestled with the past to choose
the present and my future.

and somehow it was me that was gonna make
me pay.

it's never been easy. some times have
been harder than others. but it's never been
easy.

it's not *a* moment. it's a series of a gazillion
moments i'll have to face forever.
because some of that past stuff is way way
way down deep in my cells.

i looked at bob yesterday and told him at one
moment during our day together i had to choose
again. because you see, this past stuff sneaks
in at any ol' time. and i chose now.

'i don't know why it's so hard. it seems like it
should be easy. i want something, why can't i just
grab it with ease? but it's so hard sometimes.
but i chose now.' i smiledat him thru tears.
he understood.

every time i let the past close me down, every
time i let the past dictate my actions, every
time i let the past fill me with fear....
i've let it win that round.

maybe it's not JUST that there comes a time where
you have to decide what's gonna win, the past
or the present/future.

maybe there comes a time where you're committed
to hanging in for all the rounds, and you're
committed to winning more than losing.

and maybe there comes a time where you have to
decide if you're worth the fight.

and maybe that brings you right back to the idea
that there comes a time where you have to see your
beauty, find your self love, and get up in the
ring and know you can duke it out every single time
if you have to, cause you're one unstoppable woman.

and maybe all that brings you to a time where deep
in your cells you know you matter.

and maybe those cells outnumber the past cells....

and maybe there comes a time when you truly live.

or maybe not.
maybe there's never a 'time'.
only moments.
moment by moment you make the choice.

maybe it's millions and millions of times.
not one big long time.

and while i have found that exhausting.
maybe it doesn't have to be.

it's millions and millions of opportunities to
choose life. to choose yourself. to choose infinity.

over and over and over again.

maybe that's actually a really cool deal.

maybe it's a gift you get a million trillion times
in your life.

the chance to choose you.

talking not reciting.

one last lecture thought.....

a prominent writer introduced elizabeth
last nite....

she was obviously a writer.
she had all the beautiful words, strung
them together perfectly, and had memorized
them and said them to us as she checked
her notes....

okay.
first of all, i couldn't have gotten up
and said 'um' last nite to that crowd.
so she gets points.

i couldn't have strung together words so
beautifully, so i get the talent.

but i didn't want to be spoken to from
a memorized speech.

i was amazed at how much i reacted to it.
i didn't want it.

now.
if i got up there, i wouldn't have been
able to retain anything i had even tried
to memorize.

i get the stress and the talent in public
speaking.

i really do.

i just know that i didn't want to be recited
to last nite.

and i reacted on the insides.

when we got in the car, josh said the same thing.
well, only in josh language. but he meant the same
thing.

elizabeth got up and just talked.

i don't know how you get up there in front of 2,000
people and just talk.

but wow.....
it totally made a difference.

josh said he felt like he was sitting at the kitchen
table with her.

yeah.
yeah.

how cool, huh?

i really really admire someone who can pull that off....

i respected her....and strangely enough...i felt respected
back.

it was kinda interesting.....

one heck of a lecture....

okay, so i'm prolly the only woman in
the vast sea of women who read 'eat,
pray, love' who wasn't totally thrilled
with it.

everyone i know loved it.
i thought it was 'okay.'

so if that was the reason to go listen
to a lecture by the author, i would never
have gone.

but i saw her give a lecture on the interent.
click here if you haven't seen it, and want to.

i was totally taken with her from this
lecture. loved her.

looked her up. saw she was speakin' in d.c.
and went with josh and a couple friends last
nite.

oh wow.
oh wow.

i loved her from the first moment she opened
her mouth. she was totally real. totally totally
real. told great story after great story that
made us laugh, think, and at times tear up.

she said she couldn't solve anyone's problems,
she couldn't get her own life together.
and i loved her for that.

but it was the simplest sentence that brought
tears to my eyes....

she closed her talk with it...it went something
like this...

'what i'd like to leave you with is to remind
you to be kind to yourself.'

that was it.

it was awesome.

she didn't have any answers.
she had stories.

she had herself.

she had real.

and the entire audience soaked up her realness.

why is it we're so hungry for real???
why is that so hard to find???

i have no idea.

but i treasured her offering herself last nite.
and i am carrying her around with me big time
this morning.

ol' lady shoes

i'm trying to be much more aware of buying american
made stuff. i've been goin' that way for a few years
now....but it's finally got to the point that it's
pretty much always in my mind.
no, that's not true. it's there a lot.
and still, so many times, i forget.
but it's getting better~!

i needed new walking shoes. my feet were gettin' sore.
okay. i want american made. AND let's go wild....
no leather. (i'm vegetarian)....

i found some.
um.
ew.
they're kinda um....yucky lookin'.

oh well.
i laughed.
i like goofy shoes.
i like purple, or orange or red, or
glittery or silver or strange....

and these....well.........these were none
of that.

doesn't matter.
i don't care.
this matters more to me.

so i got them.
and i looked at them.
well.
okay.
okay.
ya know.
they're just shoes.

i put them on.

zakk smirked when he saw them.
just smirked at me.

josh burst out laughing and told
me i needed old lady pants to go with them.

yo looked at me real gently and said 'you know,
they can be cute. you look cute in those mom.'

can we tell which kid is going to make a great
partner???

laughin'........and bracin' myself for bob's
comments.

so i walked in them.
and you know what???
they felt great. really great.
all the way around great.

who knows...i may have to spray paint them and
put in some fun shoe laces.....
i may have to......

but i did good gettin' these.
and my walk felt that much better.

it's one step towards tryin' to be aware of
what i do with my money. and my gosh, i have
such a long way to go.

but it's a start.
me and my ol' lady shoes.....
we're on our way.

it's all good

when i was a kid, i used to like hangin' out
with the guys so much more than the girls
cause they were so much more fun.

it wasn't til i was grown that i really started
to value girlfriends.

and now...wow....women just knock my socks
off with how cool they are. they make me so glad
i am one!

i got a note today from a very together woman.
who's going thru a very chaotic time. i checked
in with her to see how it's goin.

she described how everything around her was
crumbling, but she was 'deliriously joyful.'
saying it made no sense, but she was.

she said she was losing all the things that
had defined her in the past, and she never felt
so free.

i honestly just felt my whole heart leap for joy
for this woman. i do believe she's finding who
she really is. and i know that she's gonna really
like her, as she's incredible.

it's amazing what it takes to get us there,
sometimes. but wow.....when we get there and grasp
the opportunity! THAT'S so darn cool.

what a journey it is.
it was gray as i walked today. misty.
a memory kinda morning.
memories wandered in and out as i walked.

ALL of it has been good. ALL of it. cause all of
it brought me here.

and i thought of a line in my friend's note this
morning: 'i don't live or die by anything other
than what's contained within me.'

wow.
does she know she just put out the wisdom of the
ages in that one short line, in that short paragraph?

'by what's contained within me....' and again
i went to the infinity inside me.....
the journey outside me.....
the mist surrounding me..........

and everything was good.

a home vid strikes a chord

amazing what can hit sometimes.....

my neighbors send me a vid of their grand daughter
(just entering high school next year)
playing the piano and singing.

it's just recorded on her dad's laptop....
nothing fancy....she's at the piano playing and
she sings...and she sings her heart out.

and i actually got teary.

the youth, the possibilities, the beauty, the
talent, the everything.

it totally got to me.

it brought me to this weird place....
of realizing i had no idea about myself at that
age. had no idea what lay inside, what lay
ahead.

i hope this girl does. i have a feeling she
has a better grasp than i ever had. and for
that i'm grateful.

i didn't see it when i was young.
i didn't see it when i had grown.

am i gonna just let it pass by my whole life?
the ability to see the beauty of myself?
the possibilities i am?

teary just thinking about it all.

that'd be a darn shame, wouldn't it?

how many of us are just letting that pass
right by us?

i'm thinking i'm not the only one....
and i'm thinking we need to change that.....

a science experiment

okay.
i figure it's time to push myself a bit.
really really push myself.

see what i do.

i'm gonna type out a note for myself.
i may have to write something on my hand
for a bit til i get the hang of this.
gonna try it for a week.
one week.

when i hit a situation that i find hard,
frustrating, whatever....one that would make
me close up and do the fear stuff....
i'm gonna try real hard to catch myself and
ask if i'm being trusting, being open,
being who i want to be.

maybe i'll write 'TOW' on my hand.
Trusting
Open
Who

and if not.....i want to push myself to go a
step further and try.

i don't want to say "make" myself...because
maybe i need the room or something. i want
to show compassion to myself at the same time
i try to push myself.

it's gotta be a balancing act.

i don't want to whip myself into shape....
but i do want to push myself to some lines
that i find hard to get across....

i'm thinking it's time to try.

the trusting thing.....i need to be reminded.
i want that to become more of a habit.
i want all of it to be more of a habit than
the negative stuff that is habit.

and how do you make that happen?
don't you deliberately have to make an effort???

i'm gonna try.
a science experiment.
one week.

starting now.

same dirt, different mountains

another muddled head morning. my walk thoughts
are scattered and harder to focus on...

in the middle of racing thoughts all over the
place, i glanced over at the mountain of dirt
that's in the second construction site up the
street.

it's huge. they've been building it up.

that mountain of dirt has been there for years
now. they keep moving it around, changing the
terrain a bit, and making it look different here
and there. but it's always the same dirt.

as soon as i realized that a shot of a thought
went thru me....

same dirt.
different mountain.

that's your struggles, ter.

it's the same issues, same hang ups, same
insecurities, same dirt....just shaped into
different mountains thru out the years.


wow.
that really affected me.

okay, i said.
so what do i do with that???

well, if it's the same stuff, just different
emphasis at different times, you can prolly
learn from what works and what doesn't.

so what's not worked in the past?

fear.
right away fear comes to mind.
that hasn't worked.
tightening up.
grasping, clinging.
closing down. (altho, that one's debatable..
it has come in handy at times)
doubt.
oh doubt's a big one. that never works.

what HAS worked?

trust.
that darn stinking trust. that works.
opening.
knowing it's all okay.
believing.
gratitude. that works magic.


okay.
okay.

so.
you're looking at a mountain right now that's
discouraging you.....
and you're doin' all the things that don't work.

grin.

that's good terri. good planning there.
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOIN', GIRL?!!!

why?
why go to the things that don't work?

cause they're easier.
noooo.
i mean, they are.
but not in the long run.
the wear and tear on the psyche isn't easier
by any means.

and the other is so much more fun.

why go to the wrong stuff???
i don't know.
habits, laziness, i just don't know.

but i do know i see it now.
and i'm gonna work on changing that....

and i'm gonna work on leveling the mountains.

when i'm old and gettin' ready to leave this
world, i'd love to look at the terrain of
myself and see that i leveled it out, and built
a field of flowers.....

compassion and tweaking

funny....the newsletter had already landed in my box.
but i was busy, figured i'd check it out later....
and then my friend forwarded me the same newsletter.
ohhhh....hmmmmm maybe it's time for me to check this out.

and yeah. no surprise. perfect timing.
of course.

what i got out of it was to take a break and show
some compassion to myself. i knew i needed to because
tears welled up in my eyes as i read the piece on
compassion.

and so i did.
i stopped everything, turned to myself and looked
at what i had been wrestling with. told myself that
it was okay. stop wrestling. it was okay to feel
what you feel....and i showed myself some compassion.

it felt so incredibly good.
i soaked it up like a sponge.

why do i needed outside messages to remind me to do
that???
i show it all over the place around me, but to me,
i just forget.

sometimes when something's wrong between me and someone,
all i want is for them to understand my feelings. that's
it. just understand what i'm going thru.

with myself, tho, i'm always tryin' to tweak.
tweak it here and you'll react better....whatever.

when maybe if i just show myself some understanding,
the tweaks will happen naturally.....

hmmmm....what a concept.

methods of staying sane

i'm honestly not sure i would stay sane if
i didn't walk.
it occurred to me this morning that i have
always walked. my whole life.

i used to walk everywhere.
when i was a kid i opted to walk to elementary
school instead of getting rides.
why would you ride when you'd be inside all day??
i'd walk and look at the sky!
i vividly remember walking to my elementary
school fixated on the sky one day and how it
looked like a big dome overhead that day.
like a cathedral ceiling. i was actually late
cause i got so lost in this~!

when i was in high school i can remember when i
needed to sort thru things on my insides, i'd
pass on taking the bus home with my buds and
i'd walk home alone to think.

on my breaks when i was a mom of young kids,
i'd go walk.

when i was splitting up with my husband, i walked
several times a day!

and now, i honestly think i'd be a different person
if i didn't get the walking in.

everyone needs their own version of a walk.

i was curious what others' versions were. if you feel
like it, post a comment and tell us. i think it would
be cool to read....

and if you don't have something....maybe it's time.
ya think?

lost in the thicket

my head was mass confusion as i walked today.
overload on stuff.
getting nowhere inside.

when what line pops into my head from nowhere.
(i really really wonder where nowhere is.)

'the little girl lost in the thicket.'

just like that.

yep.
a weird phrase that just lands in.

yeahhhhhh i think.......
she's not here with me right now....

she's lost in the thicket. that sounds
right.

i get a little teary eyed.
think about all the people who need stuff
from me.....
what about her???

she got lost in the thicket....

what struck me right away about it was
just about half an hour earlier i looked
at myself standing in front of a mirror
and honestly.....not making this up.....
i was like WHO IS THAT?!
i was totally old looking and i didn't see
any spark or youth.
wow.
it was a total shocker.
wow.
not that i can't look old.
i'm gettin there fast. but i don't usually
look THIS old!
not good.
and i couldn't figure out why i looked like
that....

well...that came to mind as soon as i heard
the lost in the thicket phrase....

that flame, that spark, that youthful stuff...
lost in the thicket.

funny how i can go in and out and up and down,
and lost and found so often....

so....i found her, the little one lost....
and she's sitting on my lap right now.
not sure where that leaves us....we're not dancin'
yet. we're just sittin' and bein'.

and that feels right.

ed, dad, and dancing....

i have a buddy who takes care of her cranky elderly
sick father. i'm thinking she likes my ed stories
as they give her hope someone can get thru to her dad
and touch him? i'm not sure.

but i got to thinking about it.
and i wanted to be sure everyone knew all of me.

ed's (see post below) someone i had no ties to whatsoever.
he was someone ANYONE could have touched because no one
ever really had.

he had an abusive family, lived in an orphanage for a long
time, never had anyone show him they cared. that kinda
thing. easy for me to land in and love.

i couldn't do it with my own dad.
the only way i ever affected how he looked at life was
i seemed to convince him he'd be better off not seeing
me.

i lived 45 minutes away from him and didn't see him for
FOUR YEARS until he died....i saw him as he was dying.
this is all his choice. that's important to see.
he didn't want to see me.

when i post a story like the one below, i am so excited
because it shows me love CAN change things.

but i also know....love CAN'T change other things.

i like to forget that part and go with the exciting part.
but it's not the full story. and the full story is actually
better than just part.

ed said to me 'you wanted to hug the world....'

what's funny about that is that's not quite right.
i want to learn to love.
his wording just sounds cuter.

my dad was a bigger teacher in lessons on loving than
ed. because ed accepts me.

it's my dad who is really teaching me. still.
even after he's been gone for a few years.

but ed is too. just in a much more fun way!!!

the point?
it's not me and what i do.....
because see....if we make it me and what i do, then
we'd have to argue that me being me was enough to make
my father walk away from me.

i don't buy that.
it's what people do with each other.
and it's about what people do with themselves.

it's ed's choice to open to me.
it was my dad's choice to close.

it's my choice to take both those reactions and love
both those men with an open heart.

whew.
doesn't mean i've got it down.
but it does mean that's what i want.

when i hit a moment like ed last nite, it feels so
good. it reminds me to keep going and keep believing.
when i hit a low spot about my dad or something else,
there are times i just want to give up.
throw in the towel.

that's the thing tho.....
those low moments are really powerful.
cause when you gather the strength to do it anyway,
to keep being you and to keep opening....
those are really the gold moments.

the ed moments make me dance.

what would be perfect is when i get to the point
where the dad moments make me dance too.

ya know????

mister ed

ohmygosh.
okay it ranked right up there with the top
five best phone calls of my life!

i was feeling incredibly frustrated and crazed.
yes, i am as emotional as i sound.
and i just wanted to ring someone's neck.

i had been putting things in perspective all day.
but it's been that kinda day where i've had to
do that all day. wasn't natural to just HAVE things
in perspective and stay there. i kept working on it.

and then ed called.

ohmygosh.

i picked up the phone with an enthusiastic
"ED!"
and he says 'hang on.'
i hear him fumblin' around and i grin.
i know what's coming.
he musta got his shakespeare sonnet book.

so he starts reading to me.
stumbles.
starts again.
stumbles a little more.
finishes with 'etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'
and i burst out laughing.
told him i never heard better shakespeare in my
life.

he laughed.
he laughs more with me now.
it's so fun. it's turned into a real, natural laugh.
i love hearing it.

'i can't hold the book and read at the same time'
he laughs. and then tries with the phone receiver down.
i can hear him....and off he goes.

major delight on my end.
i run to get my copy of the book.
he says 'let's start with the first one.'
okay!
and then i have no idea which one he plowed into.
it wasn't the first one.

i just smiled and loved it.
told him he made my whole nite and to call me
anytime to read to me.
he said something cute about wishing he were younger...

but then....he told me this....
he told me i changed his whole outlook on life.

i'm crying as i type this.

he really did.
i asked him what he meant.

he said he used to be cynical, and hard, and not
caring....but he was different now. he had a different
outlook on life. he felt more positive and involved.

and he said 'well, you told me once you wanted to hug
the world. look what you did.'

i didn't know what to say.

i thanked him for telling me. told him he changed my nite.
and hung up.

called him back.
told him i really really wanted him to know what he did
for me tonite. told him what it meant to me.
and how much he mattered to me.

he said it takes two.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

it takes two. and three and four....
it takes us.

if we could all just see this up close and know how
we affect each other. my gosh.

i so want to hold this and never let it go.

i will tho.
i'll drop it.
and goof up and all that stuff.....

but i tell ya........
i feel like a trillion billion million dollars
right now because some ol' guy in cleaveland
read me shakespeare and told me i mattered.

we all do.
we all so so so do.

have you told someone today???

smilin' a happy smile tonite.........

lessons from the pastor...

we were eatin' breakfast and talkin'.
i commented on yo tilling our neighbor's garden.
'that's a big deal you did it, yo. is this
the first year he couldn't?'

the man is 82 years old.

oh no, yo told me.
he COULD do it if he wanted to, he's
just too busy.

i laughed.

and then yo said 'his handshake is so strong,
it almost hurts me to shake his hand.'

wow.

i looked at the guys and shook my head.

what is it? i know his diet isn't healthy.
it's that southern fried cooking stuff....
what makes this man just keep goin' and
goin' like he does???

i think it's just the man loves god.
he's a minister.
but he's not just a minister.
the man loves god in every cell of his being.
i mean that.

he will tear up when he's talking of the
goodness of the lord.

now....i don't care what your beliefs are...
HIS are what matter here.

they keep him going and going and going and
going.

once yo came up quietly behind him and said
he was worried about scaring him.
oh no. don't worry.
he can't be scared, he told yo.

and you know what???
i don't think he can be.

i have NEVER met anyone like this.
ever darn cell in his body holds his faith.

josh is convinced the man holds magical
powers because of it. i mean, he's convinced.

i was thinking about it today.

what does every cell in my body believe???

seems like that may be something worth taking
a look at.....

it certainly seems to be working magic for
this man.

perspective part one

i had decided that i was gonna face them.
the construction workers. i'm afraid of
those big guys all over the place. everywhere
i turned, massive hulks of bulky men.

yeah, i know...it could be a good thing...
but um....they gave me the jitters.

well, as soon as i decided for real that
i was gonna do that....face them. even tell
them they scared me if i felt like it,
they've been outta my face. they started
workin' in an area further down.

they've been outta my way.

i thought that was so cool.

the timing was amazing.
i totally was ready to face my fear, and it
moved on.

ha!

a neighbor called the other day lookin' for
the boys to help with something. i answered.
he told me he saw me walking and he was concerned
for me. so he prayed for me. (he's a minister.
praying is his natural way of helping.)

i laughed and told him that i had all those
construction workers lookin' out for me so there
were no worries.

he said yes, there were a lot of them.

i laughed. i was surprised i didn't say someting
about being afraid of all those guys. no....
i just naturally said they'd take care of me.

later i thought...ya know...i'm gonna change those
guys into my angels. that's what i'm gonna do.

i finally had the opportunity to speak to one this
morning. same sweet guy i talked to before. i stood
close to him and looked at him and joked with him.

i walked away thinking....why?
why am i so afraid of these guys??

they're big, yes.
they can crush me, yes.
but this guy just twinkled.
he actually crinkled his face and twinkled.

kinda like an angel might do.

grin.

it's ALL perspective isn't it???

perspective part 2

if it's all perspective,
then the thing to do would to work on those,
wouldn't it??

i felt heavy in my head this morning.
like a few things were bothering me....but they
were 'head' things....nothing in my heart or my
gut....just things that wouldn't really get out
of my head. weighin' me down.

well??

if it REALLY is perspective....what a perfect
chance to play with that???

and so....
i think of the gift i'm gonna wrap up in a minute.
it's for my neighbor who just had a knee replaced.

my own knee was sore today.i walked slower because
of it. hurt it yesterday. but just a tiny bit.
it works fine.
my knees work fine.
my knees work.
i can walk by the construction workers.
i can walk.

thought of the call i gotta make this morning....
the check in and see how the chemo's goin' call.

oh, yeah...i don't have to endure months and months
of chemo for something that might kill me.

oh yeah.
perspective.

i thought of the call i need to make tonite....
to a mom who lost her daughter....

oh yeah, i get to go eat breakfast with the apes.

and i get to work with them today.

oh yeah.

suddenly my head doesn't feel so heavy.
for real.
for real.

this stuff floating around in it is hardly
anything....

i have a day ahead of me filled with work i love,
people i love...and knees that work.
and angels all around in construction worker clothes.

headin' off to the day with a smile. it really was
that simple to change my perspective.

i know it won't always be that simple...
but i bet a lot of times it is.

toasting love

it's the anniversary of the day that bob and i
decided to be a couple. was a big day for both of us.
neither one of us took it lightly. we had a great
friendship and didn't want to lose that in some
lame attempt at being more...
so we knew it couldn't be a lame attempt.

it's been everything but lame. good, bad, incredible,
amazing, frustrating, maddening, nurturing, hurting,
kind, loving, intense, insane....never lame.

i tried to think of some of the main things i've
learned. and high on the list is acceptance.

you throw a vegetarian and a hunter together,
right there you know there's gonna have to be
some acceptance. you throw an emotional artist and a
logical engineer together, and you start to really wonder.
you throw a very male guy and a very feminine female
together......and you throw up your hands and
yell 'impossible!' at least i have, more than once.

loving someone and allowing them to be who they are
seems like such a beautiful, easy thought.

i gotta say that i haven't always been that good at
it. that i've struggled a lot. i'm a bit embarrassed
to say that i've struggled way way more than he has.
and yes, i continue to struggle.

if someone came up to me and asked advice on having
a loving relationship....that would probably be the
number one thing i'd talk about. that seems to be
the thing that is really teaching me love.

acceptance.

and what's so cool about it is that you can't do it
without a TON of self exploration.

you have to figure out why something bugs you.
what's YOUR deal with it? why the reaction?
and then you have to figure out if it's something
that you can resolve yourself inside you, if you
need to go to your partner for help, or if you really
need to tweak something between you.

self responsibility.
seeing yourself clearly.
owning your own stuff.
valuing yourself enough to put it out there if you
feel that's the thing to do.
valuing your partner enough to accept it if that's
the correct thing to do.
respecting your partner enough to allow them to be
who they are.

woe.
there's a ton of stuff mixed up in it.
and it's all good. and it all leads to healthy
individuals and healthy couples.....

yeah.
that's where i'd go.

then i'd smile and say 'it'll be harder than you can
imagine.'

cause it's not about your partner.
it's about you.
and what's goin' on inside of you.
and if you can figure that out........you can
find acceptance.
acceptance of both you and them.

maybe that's what i'm figurin' out.
loving someone is so intricately combined with loving
yourself that you can't have one without the other.

and i'm thinking that anyone who finds this easy isn't
really looking....

when i first met him, i didn't believe in love anymore.
now...years later i feel like i'm just now taking the
first steps in to what it really is.....

toasting love today!

saturday

yesterday afternoon i found myself sitting
outside havin' a drink with bob and josh.

i was havin' my favorite drink.
and i was in a good mood, aware that what
was happening right then was precious.
not just the drink, altho that really was...
but the company.
i sipped every sip slowly and loved every
bit of it. both the drink and the company.

i read on the label (of the drink, not the
company) that it is an
'enticing source of wonder, inspiration
and antioxidants.'

i laughed and said that's why it's so delicious.
and i meant BOTH the drink and the company!

we talked about serious stuff, we talked about
goofy stuff, and we talked about weird stuff.
and i so treasured the time with the two of them.

later that nite, i sat in the living room with
all the guys. we had saved up some stuff during
the week we had wanted to talk about when we all
gathered. so there was plenty of conversation and
bantering goin' on.

i snuggled in on the couch and again, drank it in.

i remembered something bob had said earlier.
something like........when you're in your twenties,
you're invincible and you have forever. what's yours,
you take possession of, you own. i'm not there anymore.
i know how fleeting it all is. it's all a gift now.
every single day is a gift.'

i pulled up the cozy blanket and listened to my guys
jokin' around.

i knew how fleeting it all was....and i knew what a gift
it was.....and i sat back and let it fill my heart....

sunday's tidbit

a sunday morning book tidbit.
again from 'my grandfather's blessings.'

'sometimes we live in ways that are too small,
and in places that focus and develop only a
part of who we are. when we do, the life in us
may become squeezed into a shape that is not
our own. we may not even realize that this is
so. despite this, something deep in us that holds
our integrity inviolate will find ways to remind
us of the breadth and depth of the life in us
and assert its wholeness.

....it may take many years before we can draw
the sword from the stone personally and know
who we are. before this time, our integrity
may reach out without our knowing to parts of
ourselves that have been denied and disowned,
to feed them and strengthen them until we can
come back for them.'


woe.

instruments

mary posted the question if you can be any
instrument in the orchestra, which would you be?

oh man.
which would you be?
do you know right off?

my first thought was a violin.
they just make me weep.

then, i don't know, sometimes i'm so way
a flute. and then there's piano days...

definitely cello moments.......

then it kinda dawned on me......
we're all of them, aren't we?
just different ones at different times.

or.
or.
or.
maybe just different ones solo,
but they're all in the background all
the time.

ya think???

so what if you look at it that way.

okay. i'm havin' a cello moment.
but instead of lettin' the cello take over
the whole day.....you let the music of
all the instruments come thru.

sometimes i think i need to work on that
more. a lot more.

i'll just hear a cello....
i'm thinking that's my sad mood.
and i'll forget the flute playin' in
the background......

and that is too important not to notice.
it balances the whole musical piece.

oh ho ho ho.

well, this is gonna be fun to play with
all day.

thanks, mary!

tuning the orchestra.....

it's weekend tidbit time!
here's something i read last nite in
'my grandfather's blessing' that i really
liked. want to keep this in mind forever.

she's explaining/quoting what a client once
told her.

reclaiming his integrity reminds him of the moment
before the concert when the concertmaster asks
the oboist to sound an A. 'at first there is chaos
and noise as all the parts of the orchestra try to
align themselves with the note. but each instrument
moves closer and closer to it, the noise diminishes
and when they all finally sound it together, there
is a moment of rest, of homecoming.

'that is how it feels to me. i am always tuning my
orchestra. somewhere deep inside there is a sound
that is mine alone, and i struggle daily to hear it
and tune my life to it. sometimes there are people
and situations that help me to hear my note more
clearly; other times, people and situations make it
harder for me to hear. a lot depends on my commitment
to listening and my intention to stay coherent with
this note. it is only when my life is tuned to my
note that i can play life's mysterious and holy
music without tainting it with my own discordance,
my own bitterness, resentment, agendas, fears.'


wow and wow.
off to tune my orchestra........

toastin' friends tonite!

she's the best.
she doesn't know it.
but she is.
and i appreciate her soooo much!

when i get stuck, muddled, confounded,
and/or lost, i email her and dump.

she's always right there for me with
nurturing wisdom. it's amazing to me
how i feel so much better after i get
a note back.

i look for them, wait for them, hold my
breath for them.

she was there for me again today.

i couldn't get something straight.....

here's some of the bottom lines that she
handed me today.....

there is no one answer. it will change daily
or by the moment. i just need to follow my
heart as i go along. there's no one answer
that will fix this for me. trust my heart.

sometimes it's good to offer yourself to people
who can't/won't accept it, and sometimes it's
good to say 'nope, not throwing pearls to swine
today.'

don't look for what people can't give you.

take care of yourself. take extra care when you're
already dealing with big stuff. you don't need to
deal with all of them at once.

i thought all those things were really good and
worth throwin' out there for us all.

she's also forever reminding me of the different
personality types and how different people react
and see things so incredibly differently.

sometimes that's a really hard one for me to hold.

friends.
i really don't know what i'd do without them!
and sometimes i wonder if i'd stay sane without
this particular buddy of mine.....
i'd sure feel a lot more lost.

toastin' friends tonite!

happy gifts

he's the old guy, right?
the crusty one with the sailor mouth who
reads shakespeare over the phone to me...

the one who spent most of his life at sea...
and never knew much love....

so i sent him a book on oceans.
with photos of the waves and the sea......
big ol' book full of pictures.
figured there'd be something in there that would
spark fond memories.

i had no idea.
none.

i got a message on my answering machine yesterday.....
he got the book.

i don't know if it's his cleveland accent, or
the way he said it over and over and over again...

but he kept saying the book was 'beautiful.'
i grinned every time i heard him say that word.
he put his whole darn soul into it. i felt like
he was bending into the word....

i called him back.
he said it again.
i smiled wide.

he said pictures in there brought tears to his
eyes and 'he wasn't an emotional guy.'

i was so pleased.
so tickled.

i saved the recording. i want to keep it.

it's fun to do things for other people, but when
you know you hit some spot inside that makes them
bend into the words to describe it...
ohhhhhhh man.
that is beyond fun.
THAT is the gift of the whole deal.
not any ol' book.

i keep thinking of that as i wrap up his shakespeare
sonnet book to mail his way.

got us both the same book of sonnets.
i thought it'd be fun to read them back and forth
to each other.

i gotta tell ya, i never read shakespeare out loud
before! how fun will this be?!

this man has no idea how much happiness he's
put into my life......

grinnin' like a kid just thinking of it all......

hmmm........

the subject of lightness and darkness is
spinning inside me. i'm gonna let it spin a bit
and see if anything comes up....

i want light in my life.
not dark.
the icky kinda dark.

i want goodness and light.
i want to surround myself with that
and grow that.

thing is......
life isn't all goodness and light.

okay.
i can deal with that.
if it's my OWN icky darkness.

but what if it's someone else's and they
need a buddy?
and what if i've tried to be a buddy but
find it really really hard.
maybe beyond me.
not sure.
maybe to my detriment.

oh yes, if it's to your detriment, what
are you doing?

easy to say.
but it's all complicated.

how do you know if it's to your detriment.
maybe it's growing you.
maybe the hardest challenges grow you.

i can't figure this out.
not gonna figure it out today.
just throwing it out here as i think
it's an interesting topic.

how does darkness change?
doesn't it need the light?

how does light stay bright?
does it need the darkness?
or does it just accept the darkness??

acceptance has got to be key here.

and just typing here i see that i don't.
or i accept, just leave me alone and be
like that over there.

hmmmm.....what is it you want out of life?
and how does this lead to it?

hmmmmmmm......

questions and answers

what a morning!
my colors outside! silvery blues that
i love in the sky!
a chill in the air that's perfect....

got to my goodmorningworld spot and
actually sat down on the guard rail.
plunked myself down. pulled out my seed
that i've been carryin' and my love note
and read the note to myself.

then looked up at the sky and repeated
the note.

and then thought about what i could do
loving for myself today.

that felt kinda good as it turns out that
i walked into an inner struggle last nite
and i don't know what to do with it.

so asking myself how i'd handle it and show
love to myself at the same time, felt like
a relief.

i still don't know what to do.
but when i asked myself what i could do
loving for myself today, i came up with
the idea that i don't have to figure it
all out today, and i can actually put it
aside and enjoy the day!

turned to walk home and i thought 'first thing
i can do loving is feel this breeze.'

and i just closed my eyes for a moment as i walked...
not too long as i'm clumsy, i would walk into a
tree! and i felt the breeze on my face......
all the way home i enjoyed that.

i have a ton of fun stuff goin' on today.
i'm gonna live in those moments and enjoy.
i'm not gonna take something i can't figure out
and have it weigh all over them.

and i'm gonna try to remember to ask myself today...
what is it you're doing loving for yourself?

ahhhh.....
that's such a good question.

have you asked it lately?
better yet......have you answered it lately???

off to answer it......

space makers

i talked to him this morning and told
him how much last nite meant to me.
i heard my voice choke up as i tried to tell
him the feeling that came over me later.
that i'd be okay.

he softly reminded me that i AM okay.

i told him i couldn't do it without him and
what he does for me.

and i started talkin' about the space he makes
for me.
always.

space to wobble.
space to question and wonder.
space to learn.

and if i wander too far, he calls me back.
sometimes gently, sometimes not so gently.

i'm kinda thinking space making is THE most important
thing we can do for someone.

i've talked about it before.
it intrigues me.

i've known i've done it for people, but don't
think much of it, ya know?
until i think of what it means to me.

it matters.
a ton.

it allows my growth.

what more can you do for someone than to allow
their growth?

and what all are you saying when you do that???

i love you.
i love who you are.
i believe in you.
i believe in your capacity to grow.
you matter enough for me not to control you.
you matter enough for me to just watch and know.

and maybe.....it teaches both people about the wonder
of life.......the wonders of love......

dancin'.....

i've been bouncin' on the trampoline lately
as it's too muddy outside to jump rope.
i've forgotten how much i love that. it's
soooo fun. and it just wakes you up and
makes you feel so good.

i had stopped as i was brilliant at some
point and started jumping with weights and
hurt my back....sigh.
anyway...i figure if i tone down the brilliance
and just jump, i'll be fine.

was headin' to do it, when i got sidetracked in
yo's room. he whispered good morning as i walked
by. all dark in his room. so i crept in, sat
down and said hello.

pretty soon zakkie bean stumbled in.
i've been teasin' him about his snowman pants
pajamas. i started right in again this morning.
he sat down next to me and we all just hung out.

i know a moment when i see one. so i didn't go
exercise. figured i'd do that after the walk....
i stayed and hung out.

and in one little room, in the dark, with two
big apes....i saw such light.
such love.

sometimes i think it matters so much just to sit
and look at it. watch it. hold it. know it.
and then...thank the universe for it.

when i finally did find myself jumpin' on that
trampoline, i thought of the guys, and all i had.
i heard the music, i felt my movements,the fact
that i could bounce away on this thing and feel
healthy....and i just about burst with good things.

to know it.
see it.
hold it.

and then.......to dance with joy about it.
that's the part i want to do today.

dance with joy about it!

feelin' groovy.....

headed out for my walk.
practically skipped the whole way.
beautiful spring morning...everything just
waking up.

i felt so good about stuff that i just
was plain ol' happy as i walked.

tried seein' my visual...
butterfly woman's face.

piece of cake.
easy peasy this morning.

go figure.
it's been such work.

thing is..it's hard for me to keep it.
i can get there....but hard for me to hold it.

anyway....
i not only caught her eyes again...
my eyes again...
how do you say that???

she crinkled at me.

grin.

if i give you the ol' eye crinkle, it's a
good thing. a very good thing.
warm and loving and comfortable with you.

and i got the ol' eye crinkle.

i'm thinking this is really goin' well.

i'm thinking i earned some trust last nite.

and i'm thinking this is so odd and hard to
describe and talk about....

learning to trust myself.....

go figure.

who knew there was all this stuff to do???

well....i sure didn't.....
but i'm likin' it and feelin' downright groovy
this morning.....

love/leave

oh wow.

i typed the blog below and typed the line
'then yeah, i knew he can love me'
and instead of typing 'love' i typed...

are you ready???

'leave'

wow.
oh wow.

loving me/leaving me.....

hmmmmmmm.......

just a bit of history/baggage screamin' out
there, huh?

thought it was incredibly insightful....

still a lotta work ahead.....

am i worth loving?

yes.
yes.

it happened today.

first time in my entire life....
ever.
ever.

okay. if you haven't read the
butterfly woman blog that will help this blog
make sense....

it was the looking in her eyes part.
that has touched me so profoundly that i can't
even describe it.

and this morning as i walked i asked my self
so what? what was i gonna do with this? i'm tryin'
to see the eyes more. for what, i wondered.
what would i do with that???

tonite i did something.

i found myself in the most interesting conversation
with bob. but it took a turn. a turn where i would
normally go to a dark spot.
an 'i'm not worth it spot.' i'm not worth loving.
how could he love me. that spot.

and i started to go there....
and then i remembered the eyes.
her eyes.
my eyes.

and i stopped.

if bob can see even just a bit of what i saw...
if he sees even just a bit of that in me...
of what i saw in her...in me...
then, yeah, i knew he could love me.

i knew i was worth it.

i knew it.

ohmygosh.

and i realized those eyes....what i saw
the other day....that's the start of what's
gonna pull me to the other side. what's
gonna get me where i need to go...

i took a shower and thought of it all.
drying off, i buried my face in my towel...
and i cried.

a good cry. a deep cry.

an 'i'm gonna be okay' cry.

one baby step at a time.

but tonite, for this moment....i can say it.
i am worth loving.
and i can mean it.

i'll drop that and lose it. and pick it up again
and know it. and drop it again....

but i've held it for the first time now.
and that's the hard part.

i debated putting this up here....
but i wanted to in case there's anyone else
reading struggling with being worth it....

yeah, you are.

look in your eyes and see....

gray

i go to her blog to follow her life with
her sick husband....
real sick.
real real sick.

i follow how they are and how she's coping
and i hold them in my heart.

i so hold them in my heart.

she posted about him looking gray.

odd how 'gray' totally got me.

and scared me for them.

and always after i've read her posts,
i am reminded of my own health.

when's the last time you looked in the
mirror and felt gratitude that your face
was a healthy color?

i'm not sure i ever have.

i will today.

and as i look at different faces today,
i will appreciate the colors.

gray.
sometimes i love gray.
sometimes it scares the daylights outta me...

i so wish i could hand them both some color........

how you do anything is how you do everything....

that's one of my favorite thoughts...
'how you do anything is how you do
everything.'

i love that.

i just dropped josh an email with that
as the subject line....he has that on
the back of his business card.....

he doesn't know how amazing he is, so
i thought i'd tell him. again.

he came runnin' thru. wanted to grab some
plants from the yard before they ripped
them outta the ground (by the street
construction)....

he came in so full of energy and zest.
he's gonna be elvis on friday at some
local fashion show.

yeah.
josh as elvis with 400 women. he's soooooo
psyched!

when he finished grabbin' the plants, he
ran off to the library....was gonna grab some
elvis vids so he can learn how to be elvis.

laughin' over here as i work.

he is the most enthusiastic person i've ever
met.

he hasn't a clue how wonderful he is.
totally blind to it....
i try to tell him whenever i can......

he inspires me constantly.

i thought of how he does stuff....
he throws himself in whole heartedly and just
goes with it.....

he's got me thinking......

how do i do anything?

how do you do anything?

it's a great question, isn't it?

cause...um......it's how we do everything.........

ah! ha! ho! ho!

i am soooo excited!

years and years ago when the kids were tiny,
i would go get my twenty minutes a day to myself
in the shower.....their dad would watch them,
i'd go in and put on this incredible song and
play the song over and over and over again and
sing at the top of my lungs.

it's a song called 'rainbow woman' and it's
more like a prayer. i used it as a prayer anyway.

it's a prayer asking 'rainbow woman' to come
and show me the beauty inside me.

oh man.

first of all......
this was YEARS ago and i was doin' that......
some things never change.
i am getting the biggest kick out of that.

and yet they do!
because SO MUCH has changed since i last listened
to that song........

well, ever since the talk of 'butterfly woman'
the rainbow woman song has been tuggin' on me.

i looked one day for it on the computer.
saw it in a version i didn't like.
got distracted.

that kinda thing.

then one day i looked over right by my calculator
and there was the tape that i got the song from
in the first place.

right there by my calculator on my desk.

no kidding.

the original tape.
from at least ten years ago....

right there.

now, yeah, i musta put it there......but
i can't remember doin' that!!!!!!

(hmmmmmmmm.......eyebrow cocked.........)

i grabbed the tape, ran to my tech man, zakk.

asked him and yo if they remembered me singing
in the shower with it. yo said yeah, zakk said
no.

until he heard the song.
he said the minute he heard it, he remembered.

zakk made a recording for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

josh walked in, heard three notes of the flute
i said 'name that tune!' and he did. right there.
he hadn't heard me talk about it at all. he just
knew. 'rainbow woman' he said without hesitating.

i couldn't believe it.

i am sooooo excited! gonna take a shower this
afternoon just to hear it. then another tonite!
got it on my puter too!

my copy is pretty bad right now....when i get a good
clear one, i'll share.....but for now i'll just tell
you about it....

some of the words:
shining being eternally wise, dancing across the
ancient skies.
rainbow woman please come.
bring your healing light to me.
rainbow woman please come.
restore the beauty in me.

it's a prayer.
a prayer that reaches right into my depths.

all those years ago i was praying....
and now......now.......
i feel so ready for things to happen.

expecting wonders....

i was standing up to leave.
hugging someone else goodbye,
turned to her to hug her and she
said 'i have a present for you.'

i smiled big.
and she opens the palm of her hand
into my palm and gently lays this big
ol' seed in my hand.

i don't know what this is a seed to...
but it's to something big.
and on it is a quote:
'i have great faith in a seed...i am
prepared to expect wonders.'
(henry david thoreau)

this thing takes up the whole palm of my
hand. it's slightly heart shaped, dark brown,
and the perfect thing to hold on to when you're
tryin' really hard to love yourself.

i've been taking it on my walks.
when i get to my goodmorningworld spot, i hold
it tight and tell myself that i love myself.

this telling yourself that you love yourself
is way hard. i can say the words. but they're
just words. it takes a lotta work to try to get
some kinda realness out of it all.

the seed helps.
i hold tight and keep tryin' til i can feel it.

this morning i turned back home and held the
seed the whole way.

i kept thinking that i have no idea what's
ahead for me. but i'm feelin' like it's an
important time for me..

i am prepared to expect wonders.

no answers

way foggy out.
i mean WAY foggy out.
foggiest i remember seein' in a long
time.....

too foggy to face my fears and meet a construction
worker. i couldn't see any of 'em!

that was kinda nice too.

i felt like i was walkin' in another country.
scotland, maybe. yeah. scotland. that's what
i picked. and so i walked around scotland a bit
this morning....

thought about butterfly woman. tried to see her
eyes. this is hard. only tiny really quick glimpses.
this is gonna be a big deal for me. hard to
touch.

i wondered what i do with it once i really can
touch it.

how does it affect my days?
what's different about how i live?
what will feel different?

will i be more aware?
more open?

why is it i want to touch this?

i know i have to.
and i know i'm going to.
but what do i do with it then???

and so i walked and asked......

no.
no answers.
just questions.
but that's okay.......

as rilke says, i'm gonna live myself into the
answers.....

progress

they sat across the booth from me.
both with their arms on the table
exactly the same. they didn't know.
but i noticed.
they were incredibly alike in some ways.

and then they started teasing.
exactly the same.
with the same facial expressions.

somehow they started on the devil
wanting my guy's soul. my guy turned
to his son......'why would the devil
want MY soul?'

his son squints at him and says quietly...
'that's what the devil does. he likes souls.'

my guy looks sideways at me across the table.
hmmmmm....he squints.
'i AM dating an angel.'

his son looks sideways at me just like his pop.
squints and says 'hmmmmm.....that makes your soul
all the more valuable'

again the sideways look from my guy...
'he could get close to the angel thru my soul...'

again with his son copying the look....
'it would be good for him.'

my guy turns his sideways look to his son...
'that's sick.'

his son turns his sideways look towards his
dad 'it IS the devil.'

i just burst out laughing.

how did they do that???

they never even knew how alike they were.
they never even knew what an incredible
rhythm they had goin'.

they were like clones and they had no idea.

all the tough spots, all the pain, all the
hurt between them vanished for a few moments
in the bantering. they were family. with that
family rhythm and timing and copying that only
family can do.

and i knew that things were gettin' way better
as they never could have pulled off the natural
imitating joking thing without it getting better.

it's funny how some of the stupidest moments
are the most profound.

i watched them across that table and relished
every second of it.

it's been a long road.
about time we took a turn in the right direction...

by the time we left, we had hit another hurdle.
actually, more than one.

but progress had been made......
and that in itself felt good. i'm just gonna hold
that for a bit before we try the next hurdle...

reluctant love....

funny.......zakk's got some song on that's
sayin' 'i ain't not nice guy after all'
and i thought of myself......

ya know, i'm not the sweetie pie that
a lotta people think i am.....i don't
always just love so freely and easily.....

i gotta do some reachin' out.
have had to do it for a bit now.
and i just haven't been able to.

a young man needs some help. some guidance.
some love.
and he's one tough cookie to give it to.
i've done so, over and over again.
and i've gotten hurt over and over again.
i've also gotten good things out of it......
it's been one heck of a road. some good.
a lot hard.

i took a break from him.
have no idea how to deal with him.
no idea how to be open to him right now.

i've been tellin' myself that's okay.
that i needed the break. that i can only give
so much. that i just didn't have it inside me.

tonite i meet up with his brother who also needs
some support and love.
and that's why i'm goin'.
i want him to know he matters and i care.

in thinking of tonite, i know i have to see the
other one really soon. i have to touch in.
i have to look at him and love him........

it's so hard for me to believe it's that hard for
me to give love to kid. just a kid.
it sounds so easy.
sounds so wrong that i can't do it just like that.
that i have to muster up my strength to go do it....

i sit here and think of why.
i guess cause he's hurt me a lot.
thing is......
he's been hurt a whole lot more than i ever have.....

maybe it's time for me to reach beyond my own pain
and once more go touch his pain......

i'll start with his brother tonite....and then move
on to him in the next few days.....

where did i ever get the idea that love was easy???

repressed parts

so i'm reading that at midlife you kinda hit
a point where you need to come to terms with
all those hidden parts of yourself.
you have to touch the repressed stuff and
sift thru it.
the author was quick to explain that you
can't just dive in and let it all out....
it has to be controlled and balanced, but it
does need to be touched and explored.

so i've been kinda toyin' with the whole
idea of repressed stuff.

what have i repressed?

what have you repressed?

what have we all repressed??

different friends of mine question me
about my anger enough for me to notice it.

they say i don't seem to have much.

i thought i had plenty.

but i do know a lot of that's been locked
in.

so i've been wanting to look at that...

almost every woman i know has had some kinda
sexual abuse incident in their lives. it's
amazing.
i am no exception.
what part does that play in it all?

one day while working in my studio, without
being anywhere close to thinking about when
i was a child and was molested....it wasn't
on my mind....i hadn't been thinking of it in
the days prior....
a thought landed in my head.
out of nowhere.

'that's when you figured out you didn't matter.'

bam.
just like that.
i even stopped what i was doin' and looked up.
huh??

but i heard it.
and i knew what it meant.

that moment so many years ago affected me profoundly.
i'm sure there's sexual repressions involved with
that....but not just sexual....

if it's when you feel you are told you don't matter...
how many different things get shoved down because of
that???

if you believe you don't matter, what do you hide
away???

what if you believe you're different and don't fit in?
then what do you hide away? what parts of you do you
cover so others won't see how different you really are??

oh man.

as i thought about this it almost got to be too much.
wow!
i musta repressed most of me!!!!

here's the part that tickles me......
i want to go retrieve those parts.

yeah.
i want to become more of who i am.

as i typed that a little tiny shot of fear ran thru me.
yeah.

the fear of rejection.
you hide it away so as not to be rejected.

you pull it out and what???

yeah.

what????

i don't know.......
but i don't think i have a choice at this point.
i think i've gone too far to turn back now......

facing my fear

okay.
so i walked.
and i happened to be a few minutes early.
the time the construction crew gathers
in a circle just down the road.
they're off the road a bit, so they're
not in my way.
it's just that they are so close. and
there's so many of them.
and they're all so big and neanderthal like.

honestly, when they gather like that, i feel
like a tiny tiny squishable thing next to them.

on good days, i'll glance over and wave.
maybe say 'mornin'....on shy days i just kinda
keep goin'.

this morning i was feelin' kinda shy.

okay. good.
now. past them, i can get lost in my thoughts.

nooooo...they're all over the place.
drivin' by.
one drives by slow and says hello.
he absolutely made me jumpy.
he was so big.
he looked like hulk hogan.

and he seems so darn different than i am.

well, they're drivin' up to the other construction
spot i walk by. oh man.
and there they all are. right on the edge of the
street.

i gotta do this twice.

okay.
i am not lost in thought. i can't get to where
i usually get as there's neanderthals everywhere.
i'm tryin' to figure out why all these really
big guys scare me so much.

maybe because if they wanted to, they could really
hurt me.
oh yeah.
maybe that's it.

i walk by. say hello.
get to my goodmorningworld spot and pull out
this really cool seed a friend just gave me.
hold the seed in my hand and concentrate on my
new morning ritual of tuning in to myself and
loving me....

then i turn back to the burly men.

just two standing there now.
these two i feel a little more comfortable with.

a car drives by, i get out of the way.
one of the men jokes, good naturedly 'aren't you
afraid to walk on this road?'
i look at him, smile and say 'why because of all
the big guys all on it?'
and he laughs and says 'no. the cars drive crazy!'

lol!
the cars???
oh man.
if he only knew how much scarier he is to me than
a car.

so okay.

i'm walkin' and thinking.
i gotta make friends with these guys.
i gotta get to know their names.
tell them mine.

i almost turned back to talk to these two...
thought better of it.

pictured myself walkin' up to the morning circle
of men and telling them they kinda make me nervous
so i thought i'd come meet them.

maybe i will.....
i gotta do something.
they're part of my neighborhood now.
i think it's time to learn their names.
and get over this fear.

and then i smiled.
this is fear personified!
this if facing your fear in real life form.
i mean, it's not just in my head.
i can actually physically walk up to them
and say.....you scare me. and i want that to
stop and i want to say hello.

how cool would that be???

now.
can i do it?
maybe one at a time....
maybe all at once......

maybe not at all.

grin.

we shall see............

jonathan and his missing site....

my buddy jonathan got his website stolen.

yeah.
weird.

he asked me to post his link out there

so, i am doing so.

he tells you what to do if you get stolen.
may want to tuck that away for the future.

life is weird.
cyber space is weirder.

butterfly woman bone sigh

in a darkness that wasn't scary,
she glittered and intrigued me,
seeing women of the ages in her profile.
she turned her eyes towards me.
i saw my own eyes.
and my world shook.

past the barriers

lifting her face towards me,
our eyes locked.
the same eyes.
the same being.
reaching past the barriers
to claim our oneness,
we took our first steps toward wholeness.

midlife

her hand touched mine.
darkness and light holding each other.
loving each other.
needing each other.
touching, we being to say hello.

her eyes/my eyes

the lines around her eyes pulled me in.
the depths of the blue opened.
i fell thru the universe.
and touched my soul.

and the sky turned pink....

okay.
to be fair.
i do realize that things happen because they're
happening, and not everything is aimed at me.
i really do.

when i walked today and a tree dropped a gumball
right at my feet, i took it as a gift from the tree.
i stopped. picked it up. looked at it. looked up
at the tree. thanked the tree. and kept goin'.
yeah. that was for me.

but the sky turning pink this morning.....i really
do know it does that in the mornings. it's not just
for me.

the timing, however, musta been for me this morning.

i was at my goodmorningworld spot and i was doin' my
now daily ritual of reminding myself that i love me.
that is so much harder than you'd think, and takes
a great deal more concentration than you'd think....
and as i stood there and worked on it, the sky turned
pink. all around me.

grin.
grin.
grin.

yes, i noticed.
and yes, i thought......wow.....look at what love
can do!

i smiled and turned for home......

the yin yang tree and me

i prolly shouldn't be reading this book...
the one on midlife that not only says i'm
not crazy, but she says i'm SUPPOSED to be
doin' all this wanderin, wonderin', and
searchin'....
she's eggin' me on big time.

i'm seein' a tiny glimmer here, a really
big flash there, a pull over this way...
stuff is happening to me...and i'm goin'
with it.

on my walk today i stopped right in mid stride
as i approached a tree that was wet on one
side, dry on the other. a yin yang tree.
i just stopped and looked at it.

thought 'that's me.'
the different parts right now.

the dark and the light.
the good and the bad.
the past and the now.
the memories and the dreams of the future.
the fear and the courage.
the whole deal.

thing i want to do is mix it better than
that tree trunk did.
that tree trunk was divided.
one side was this.
one side was that.

i want to be the whole big swirl of this and
that and have it a really good thing.

i think what i've done up til now is have this
really big swirl....but not had it such a good
thing.....incomplete, for sure...
more fighting the dark parts.
more hiding certain parts away.
more power to fear than love.
that kinda thing.....

this book is talkin' about gettin' in touch
with some of those parts we've repressed, tucked
away, hidden......
gettin' in touch with it all, and awakening
to who we really are.

so i walked and thought of all of that.
touched in on the 'butterfly woman' side of me.
want to touch in on her every day if i can....

had a wonderful visual of her with me as i walked.
it was so cool that i realized i was walkin'
down the road with a big smile on my face....

if anyone had any idea what was goin' on in my
mind, they woulda ran the other way....
but i don't know...i'm kinda thinking i have to
keep runnin' with it.

i'm feelin' something happening.......

and it's makin' me very excited.......

a dream

i found myself stumbling thru some old emails
last nite. the ones from 'the explosion years.'
as i bumped into them, i debated.
do i really want to stir up that pot??

i did it gently...
just peeked here and there.

turned out it was good for me.
i actually saw that i was a whole lot stronger
than i knew.

i think it was the first time in my life i ever
drew lines and stood up for myself and while i
was pretty shaky inside, the words still came out
right.

it was kinda cool to see.

but i also figured i was stirrin' up dreams as
it was close to bedtime.

that turned out to be a good thing too.....

dreamed someone in my family called me and was
livid with me. told me some guys were after me,
told me he did his job by warning me, but started
to go on about how i deserved what i got.

first gold nugget from the dream....

at first i tried to explain i had no idea what
he meant, and i tried to explain myself....when
he wouldn't believe me and started telling me
what i deserved....i hung up.

oh that feels good just remembering that.

i simply hung up and turned to deal with what
i had to deal with.....getting away from the
guys who were after me.

i didn't dwell on needing to explain or accepting
the idea that i deserved bad things....

i went and dealt with what was coming...

as i walked a deserted road with ravines and
such all alone, i was scared they'd find me
before i got myself to safety. had a cell phone
with me and was doin' the dialin' bit.

used to be i couldn't dial a rotary phone fast
enough, or plug in the right numbers to a touch
tone.........now it's the cells in my dreams
that i can't dial right.

was gonna call someone to help me. to come pick
me up with her car.
and then i realized she'd never be able to pull
it off. too hard for her.
so i called someone who could pull it off.

that's all i remember.

but the big thing....the first person i was gonna
call......she's a key player in the life exploding
days. someone i wanted so much from, and someone
who couldn't give it to me.

in the dream, i just knew she wasn't capable of it.
that's all.
no big deal.
i didn't get mad at her.
i wasn't hurt for life.
i just knew she couldn't do it and went to someone
who could....

who actually, turned out to be bob.
cool.

anyway......
i want to take that into real life with me.

i think i'm pretty much there with her anyway. i seem
to be real close if i'm not.
the dream helped me to really see it.

if someone can't do what you need.....
then they can't do what you need.

go to someone who can.
and don't carry that around forever.
go forward and do what you gotta do to take
care of yourself.

i really really liked that.

gonna be holdin' this dream all day, i think.....

saturday morning tidbits...

she's coming at the right time and making me
think maybe i'm not insane....

first thing i read this morning....

'once having seen, we cannot unsee.
once having known, we cannot unknow.
what we have become conscious of becomes
an integrated aspect of our personal reality.'

i smiled. and thought of butterfly woman
(see a few posts below)

then there's more....

'knowing the Self requires looking deeply
inside and making that which is unconscious
conscious. but this process requires letting
go of many beliefs that appear to serve us well.
it is necessary to look honestly inside and
understand ourselves in new ways.'

she even quotes jesus: ' if you bring forth
what is within you, what you will have will save
you. if you do not bring forth what is within you,
what you do not bring forth will kill you.'

and finally......the finale for this morning....

'but face our own souls we must. the task of
midlife, for each of us, is to illuminate that
which has been unconscious and to bring light
to the darkness. midlife is the time during which
the unconscious emerges with great power and
energy.'


i read a few pages this morning and wondered
why i don't make more time for this book......
she's talkin' to me and tellin' me it's okay.

thought i'd share in case she's talkin' to you
too....
(awakening at midlife....kathleen brehony)

another bone sigh...

what's stronger, she asked herself.
the shame or the love?
which will you follow?
which will lead your life?
which will rule your heart?
if it's a no brainer, she told herself,
then act like it.
pick yourself up and know
you are worth loving.

a bone sigh....

lifting the cover of shame and self doubt,
she dropped it on the ground.
stepping into the light she
slowly lifted her head.
this is who i am.
and i am here.
and i am enough.

the light warmed her face
and her heart.

the rules...

i felt the tug to get out.
just get some air.
okay.
grocery shop.
i need to anyway.
just get out.

i hate goin' to the grocery store.
but i love bein there.
all that food and me.
it's heaven.

i picked myself up a treat.
honest tea moroccan mint green tea.
i splurged. bought myself a little jar.
oh yes.

kept feeling like there was a reason i
had to get out. more than food. didn't know...

and there, in line with me, was the most
interesting older gentleman. we got to talking
and i know we coulda talked for hours.
ornery, opinionated and full of interesting
stories...a retired navy historian.

oh how i wanted to ask him out for a cup of
coffee. maybe he was why i was there??? he
was totally fascinating.

i knew i couldn't.
that it wouldn't be 'appropriate.'
so i didn't.

and i don't know....that just sucks.
i feel like those rules get so darn in the way.
like so many interesting people are just outside
my grasp because of rules....

sigh.

rules.
rules.
rules.

i keep playin' by them....
but i miss sooooo much play because of them...

i don't know tho...i threw it out to the universe.
maybe i'll bump into this guy again. maybe at the
coffee shop! grin.
you never know. the universe seems to have its own
set of rules.

that part i like.

oh well......i could say at least i got my tea
treat here....
but um....something went bad with it.
yuck.
bad bottle.

that's so funny.

better go steal one of the guys' treats!
no rules about that one!

butterfly woman

not sure, but thinking this will make no
sense unless you've read 'touching my insides'
a few posts below....

i gave myself brave points yesterday.
well, i get more this morning. a lot more.
and i'm taking them and holding them.
i'm fighting some inner voices on this one...
but wow....if i'm gonna put something out
there....this should be it....

i've been low. got hit in a hard kinda way
and haven't gotten all the way back up.
walked and tried to figure out how i was feelin.
bruised was about all i could come up with.
lousy. that kinda thing.

got to my goodmorningworldspot and took out my
note...the note that tells myself i love me.
snow's fallin'. i'm tryin' to shield the note
from the snow. and i read it in a whisper to
myself.

nothing is sinking in. i close my eyes and say
it to myself concentrating harder.

and then i realize i have to go back to seeing
that visual that i mentioned a few days ago...
the non icky sticky butterfly woman....

i realize that i'm fighting a battle here.
and i have been for years and years and finally
the scales are tipping in the right direction.
i can't let up now.

but i don't want to. i feel bruised, shaken, lousy
and i don't want to.

i think of the times when i was sick and i had to
take care of the boys when they were little. how
hard it was, but how i did it anyway because i had
to. because i loved them more than anything and i
had to.

okay then.i go to the visual.
and i feel sick in my gut and i lift my inner
self to the counter again. she's in the same position
as last time. kinda with her side to me, folded in
on herself, not looking up....

and it hits me.
i never saw her face last time.
i got a feeling, i saw all of her, but her face was
to the side. the things i saw were symbols. i need
to see her face. i know she's me. why can't i see me?

and i realized that for eight years now i've been trying
to see myself. i have been writing bone sigh after bone
sigh about the importance of seeing myself and i haven't
been able to do it.

here it is.
i need to do it.

and i can't.

and then i know......i can't do this alone. she has to
do it with me. and i realize she can't do it without me.
it's got to be together.

we've got to see together. she's got to look at me, and
i have to see her.
and she won't look as she doesn't trust me to see.

i need a longer walk, i take an extra lap around the block...

i'm on the highway i leave my baggage at and i step over a
muddy penny. walk a few steps past it and stop. turn around.
pick it up. that's me. that's what i'm doin' right now.
i'm tryin' to find the shiny penny under the mud.
i take it and slip it in my glove, into the palm of my hand.

holding it tight, i go back to my visual.

i acknowledge that if i see i have to remember.
i acknowledge that i'm not sure i can remember either.
that i'm not sure i can pull off what i need to....
but i will try.

and she turns to me. ever so slowly....

and it's my face in the dark glittery skin kinda look that
she has.

the same gashy thing by the eyebrow because i'm
always crinklin' my face tryin' to figure something out.

the same lines that i've disliked on my face are there on
hers looking like they belong there.

i reach to touch her skin and her hand touches mine. she's
dark, i'm light...i stop and look at the hands. doin' this
together.

and she turns her eyes to mine.

my god.
her eyes.
i cried and i cried and i cried.

they're mine.

i saw her.
i really really saw her.

but so quickly.
and i couldn't get it back.

but we're not done yet.
nah, we've just begun.

i gotta name her...and i guess it's gotta
be butterfly woman.

i don't know what all this means.
i do know that i've been wanting this for
years.....and it's here. and i gotta follow it...

and that putting this out here is hard.
cause it's weird.

and it's me.
and it's all i got.......

a sunshine break

i needed to go visit her,
but wasn't really in the best frame of
mind....

i know.
a walk.

she could use some sunshine and so could i.

so i walked on down to visit my elderly
neighbor.

she had her 'house coat' on and i thought
she wasn't gonna dig the idea of a walk...

but she lit right up.
absolutely!
and she scurried off to change.

and so we walked.
not too far, not too fast....
down the street to see the construction
and a little beyond to visit with a
neighbor outside.
they talked fertilizer while i stood
by and soaked up the sky.

as we headed home, the gorgeousness of
the day just overtook me.

i was havin' trouble gettin' grounded
today....
why don't i know by now??
just go out and get regular doses of
the sky....

we're takin' a sunshine break, i had told
her....

guess i really needed it.

once again....i thought i was doin' it for
her....and as usual, i got more out of it
than she did......

brave points

i've never taken any credit for being brave...
cause i don't feel like i've ever done anything
brave....until this morning.

this post.
being here.
i'll take a few brave points.

something happened, the details of which don't
matter....but the bottom line was that i felt
ashamed and embarrassed about who i was and
how i put it out here on my blog.

i wanted to take all my blogs down and run
and hide and just stay in the corner.

yeah.
there's maturity for you.

i took a walk this morning to try to sort thru
it all....

and i had a memory.

when i was a teenager, a girl i knew found herself
in a really rough spot. we weren't very close. but
close enough. and i called her and asked her if
she needed to talk.

we got together one evening. i took her to my
favorite spot in the world, and we sat and talked.
and talked. and talked.

i remember telling her a secret of mine.
something i hadn't told anyone else before or since.
the reason i told her was because i thought it would
help her out. the only way i could figure to help her
was to be real with her.

to this day i both squirm about it and yet feel
pleased that i'd be willing to do that for someone.

that memory popped right in this morning.
and i smiled. i've been doin' this a life time and
didn't really know....
tellin my stuff in hopes it helps....

one reason we weren't really close friends is i
didn't really like the way she took herself so
seriously. she worried way too much what people
thought.

hmmmmm...interesting, i told myself.
are you doin' that with this, ter?
did what someone say to you hurt you way too much?

you are who you are.
offer it.

and then i argued the offering point.
why?
i'm really private too.
why don't i just stay private?

just then i looked down at my jacket.
written across the front in big letters is
'love'.......

yeah.
what's love got to do with it, i argued.

back and forth i went.

til i finally got to where i had to...

i wandered into the 'ashamed' feeling.

i hate ashamed.
i hate that feeling.

and i thought of what i told myself yesterday.
how i told myself i loved myself.

and i tried it again.
and the tears came.

at this point i was walkin' and lookin' up
at the sky. the light in the clouds....

and i pictured standing myself up in the light.
holding my head up.

it wasn't easy.
that feeling of being ashamed of who i was was
still there.

what's stronger? the shame or the love?
how much do you love yourself?
how much do you know whoever you are is okay?

and i held my head up in the light.

who i am is all i have to offer.
if it causes someone else discomfort, that's
okay. that's not my deal.
i can't take myself too seriously.
and if opening is what i want to do....
if that's what i want more than anything in
the world....then i have to get up and
keep goin'. and open.

and so i'm here.
and yeah....i get points for brave today.

i'm puttin' the shame down....
and i'm standin'up and offerin' myself....

and forward we go.......

a hugger or a mugger?

okay.
so i really had enough of the ride today
and was ready to call it quits.
a hot shower, a book, no interaction.
enough already. i was just beat.

but he called and left a message.
my elderly gentleman friend...the one
i want to honor with an open heart
(see several posts below)....

i really felt like i was on my last thread...
but what the heck.

and so i called.

this man never ever ceases to amaze me.

he was so sensitive and he started talkin'
shakespeare to me. i love shakespeare too.
and he feels the same way about him....

he was explaining to me how it would help
someone i knew struggling. if she read some
of shakespeare. and he explained all about
inner struggles.

he's the most amazing man who got lost in
the shuffle.....

and then we were gettin' ready to hang up
and he said something about 'that first hug
i ever gave him.'

i didn't know what he meant.
so i stopped him and asked him.

that's when he made me belly laugh....
he said 'didn't i ever tell you before??'
and he proceeded to tell me that the very
first time i ever hugged him, he thought
i was gonna pick his pocket.

i burst out laughing.

you're kidding, right?!

no.
he wasn't kidding.

he said he couldn't figure out why i was
hugging him.

and i laughed harder.

then he said when he got to know me,
he realized i wanted to hug the world.
and he felt so ashamed of himself.

i was laughing so hard i was crying.

he was laughing hard too.
it was like such a relief for him to tell
me. he said he felt so guilty.

oh man.
i told him he was perfectly justified in
thinking that.
i mean, what the heck was i huggin' him
for, anyway?! and we just laughed and laughed.

oh man.

i was so worn down when i picked up the phone
to call him....
he just gave me a whole new wind in my sails....

headin' out with laughter on my face.....

an up and down kinda day....

so the man called and asked how my day's
been goin'.

simple enough question.
doesn't he know by now?
don't ask....

i launched into the joys and frustrations
of the day so far.
the guys were in here workin' with me and
heard me.
i heard them laughing in the background.
the knowing son laugh of 'he shouldn't have
asked her!!'

i described my frustrations with motherhood,
my struggle with being a control freak and
allowing my son to do what was right for him
all the time wanting to wring his neck....

i described my happiness with humanity.
and then my despair with humanity....it bringing
me to tears.
then i described the tears of joy that humanity
brought later...
and then how it dashed me yet again....

i breathed out this whole crazed monologue faster
than you can imagine....

and then i stopped.

he knew it was time for feedback.

we've been down the feedback road before.

there's a pause.
and then he says:
'well, hmmmmmm....certainly has been an up and down
kinda day, huh?!'

i burst out laughing.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
it has........

and what more can you say than that?

he pointed out to me that i never even have to
leave the house to have these ups and downs....

and i smiled...

yeah.
life is full.
and yeah....i like it that way.

motherhood makes me old on some days.
and keeps me young on others....
humanity brings me to my knees in gratitude,
and makes me want to kick its butt in
frustration....

and all the while today....i kept looking at the
day.

it's mine.
all of it.

it's mine.

and i wouldn't trade it for anything.......

a good road together....

i was talking to him about 'the old days'
and how scary some stuff had to be for
women.

men too, he said.

nahhh i said. not like with women.

oh yeah, he said.

then we good naturedly argued the point.

he ended his argument with 'how would you
know? you've only been a woman and a tree.
you don't know about being a man.'

i laughed.

this is the guy who never even talked
about reincarnation before i met him.

this is the guy who almost choked on his
popcorn the first time i told him i was a
tree in my past life.

what kind? he asked.

a weeping willow i replied without missing
a beat.

now he tosses it out freely and easily.

neither one of us believe it.
but we both talk like we do.

and i smile at how far we've come together....

the lady in the tree top....

we have this great oak tree in our front yard.
it's right by the road. and it will be cut down
real soon. they're widening our road.

it's a tough one for me. real tough.
and i don't even really want to talk about it...

today as i came in from a walk, i stepped
in my front door and turned to look at the tree.
i stood there staring at it.

there was a circle in branches up top.
i've never ever seen that before.
a circle.
in fact, i don't know as i've ever seen that
in any tree before, let alone this one.

and as i looked at it i saw a whole figure.
a neck, the arms, the whole figure.
there was a figure in my tree.

i just stood there staring.

yo came by.
whatchya lookin' at?

look at this yo.
do you see this???
do you see that circle???

he did.

do you see the body???

he did.

we just stood there lookin' at it....

no. i can't even bring myself to say the
tree gave me a sign or anything like that...
but i do know i've loved that tree from day
one....and they're taking it away from me...
and there's a woman dancing in the top who
will not be daunted....

touching my insides....

i so hope i can communicate this....

walkin'....all gray outside.
the gray kinda gray that's just one shade
of gray....it makes everything kinda feel
like you're walkin' thru the inside of
yourself.

i wondered what would it be like to say
this to myself and mean it:

i love you.
and i promise you that every single day
we're together i will love you with all
that i have. i have been looking for you
my whole life, and i found you. and i
know what a treasure you are. i cherish
you every single day.

i figured i couldn't do it. say it and mean
it. but i tried it out....why not just
say it and try it?

and so i did.

and then i just felt this release.
like my whole body got more relaxed.
i could feel tons of tension leave....

and then this visual kinda happened....

you know how you might take a kid...or
someone you can lift up....and
pick them up and set them on the counter
sitting there facing you so you can have
a face to face talk?

well......i kinda did that with my self.
only my self was this...oh man...
how to describe???

almost like a butterfly before they get
all unsticky and spread their wings.
i was like a sticky, unspread me....
it wasn't icky at all.
but there was so much darkness over this
light and glitter....
it wasn't bad....
it just was.
there was no feeling besides wonder from
me when i looked at myself.

i sat her in front of me and told her
that i loved her......

and then this feeling came over me....
and i knew i had to listen.

that listening was my job.
not talking.

and so i stopped talking.

and i saw things....

i saw all parts of me, things that were
inside me but kinda represented like
archetypes or something.
i saw the little girl, i saw the wise old
crone, i saw the mother, i saw the woman,
i saw all these part of me.

they were me and at the same time they were
every woman that ever lived....
it was all of us mixed up in me....

and i was listening, but there weren't
any words....just feelings.

and i knew....i just knew....
that all these beautiful parts were in me.
they've been there all along.

and there's nothing i have to do to set
them free except allow them to be free.

allow them to be free and listen.

wow.
if this happens from saying that to myself
one time and not really even being totally
on board with it....what happens if i start
saying it all the time and really believe it??

i'm writing it down and taking it with me
every walk.
i'll forget if i don't.
i'll put it aside if i don't.

and i have a feeling this is something i really
want to touch again.......

round three million and seventy six

so where is she? he asked me.

i laughed. okay. a little nervously,
but i laughed....

you mean little terri?

yep. where'd she go?

hiding.

yeah. hiding.........

and so i changed the subject.
if my inner child is hiding, i'm not
exactly sure i want to discuss it.

and if someone notices it, i definitely
don't want to talk to them about it.
they're seein' way too much as it is.

and he knows darn well that means
we need to talk.

he's learning tho.
gave me a little space, then got me
feeling safe and asked again.

silence.

sniffles.

one word attempts....

and then finally....we really talked.

sometimes i wonder what's wrong with me.
i really wonder....am i damaged?
will i ever get this trust stuff down?

and then i ease up on myself and tell myself
i do....and then i argue back and forth....

like everything else....it's a process.
and trusting....totally trusting is one heck of
a thing to try to do.

specially if you've had your trust blown outta
the water before. and let's face it, we all have
in some way or another.

i still can't look back at some of the broken
trust issues without literally cringing. so i know
there's healing yet to do...

but i can't wait a life time to heal and not trust
again.
'specially him.
if anyone's earned trust, this man has.

and i think of doubt....and what a powerfully
negative thing it is....

and how much i wrestle with it.

maybe i have to stop looking at all the wrestling
matches as failures....maybe i have to start looking
at them as milestones....
because with each match i win, i get closer to
that open heart.

i won another round today.
and little terri came back out to play....

honoring ed....

he picked up the phone and i said hey.
told him it was me.
no sooner do i get my name out then he
thanks me for the card i sent him recently.

he does this all the time.
it's the first thing out of his mouth.
'thank you for....'
and i think how amazing that is.

even if it's been weeks since i sent whatever
it was. always the very first thing to
come out.

when i get amazed by that, i have to stop
and really think. he doesn't get gifts and
tokens of love.
never did. these are his firsts. and he's
80. so i guess he remembers them real well.

very touching, very sad, and very beautiful
all at once....

his voice was kinda down. so i asked him
if he was blue. nahh....
then a few minutes later, well, yeah.
lonely.

we talked serious a bit about this.
and it felt good to touch real with him.

he's been on my mind ever since.

once, one day,years ago, when i needed a
friend really badly, when i needed someone
to help me and be there for me....
and i had no idea who to turn to...
i called him.

it concerned his nephew, my guy, and i thought
maybe i could lean on him.

right there in the parking lot of a hospital,
standing by a tiny tree, i called him and
cried.

sure enough...he was right there for me.
and he made me laugh.

i didn't think anyone could make me laugh right
then, but he did. his crusty ol' sailor mouth,
and his blunt to the point sentences....he did
it....and somehow mixed in with all of that was
incredible love.

how is it two such different people meet and touch
in and care and change each other?

how is it someone who's never really had love can
still give love so well?

every time i call, i wonder if he'll be there.
if he's okay. if i'd know if anything happened to
him....

i just called him just now. left a message. told
him that he's been on my mind ever since we talked.
and i wanted to be sure he knew how much he mattered
to me......

i think of him and all the love he deserved his whole
life...and all the love he never got....

i'm always wanting to 'fix' things. 'change' things.
it's the darn 'guy' side of me.
that's where i'm like a guy!!!

and i know i can't change this....
but i can honor ed.
i can honor him by offering love....
and the only way i can offer love....
really offer it....
is by that darn open heart deal.

strength lies in the opening of the heart.
honoring ed lies in that very same opening.........

pass me my cigar please....

mary requested a mustache picture!
i have several now as there have been
several mustache mondays. i was
gonna make a collage for you...
but that's just silly.

i picked my favorite.....

ohmygoodness........

what can i say?

danelle

so i head over to mary's blog to see who posted
about the women in their lives yesterday. and i
find my son posting something that makes me cry.
and no...it's not about me....it's way better!

check it out:

I've had such great female influences in my life. My mother, for starters. While she did the obvious nine months of hard labor, she went above and beyond, and made mothering an ART. I'm grateful to her every day.

I've had an amazing principal who not only taught me about school and live, but sadness and death and how to die a full life.

But the woman I'd like to honor today does not consider herself a shining star in the sky of life. Her name is Danelle.

My brothers and I met Danelle on what I sincerely hope was the worst day of her life - because it should never be that bad again. We were all in my brother's pickup truck, going to race go karts at the parking lot. We passed this couple standing on the side - "Help, help! Call the police!" We thought she was laughing - she was sobbing. Her boyfriend had beaten her face bloody.

The guys and I had never witnessed domestic violence before. It affected us profoundly. We sat with her while we waited for the cops, her coward long since fled. Standing with her at times, and backing far enough away so she could cry without inhibition, we finally brought her home to mom so she could get herself cleaned up. While it was only a small gash above her right eye, the resulting hole in her soul is one I'll never forget.

I'd like to take this opportunity to honor Danelle, as I have a feeling she's never been honored before. I haven't seen her since, and will probably never see her again. While she'll never know, she has affected me greatly in my journey of life, and to understand. For this, I honor her, cry with her, and lift her up. I really hope she's found some peace.

Bless you, Danelle.

mustache monday explained....

i gotta go get breakfast....
but someone just asked about mustache monday....

simple!
every monday, put a mustache on!

that's it!

fake one, draw one, or photoshop one onto
your photo if you're into the facebook stuff....
(i also started a mustache monday club on facebook
but that's extra)

personally, i've got my fake one on right now.

i do cheat and take it off for tea as i found
i have to ring them out afterwards if i don't.
grin.

why?

for fun!

no other reason.

seems like mondays could use a little more fun....

virginia

i just posted my mustache photo on facebook
and included a picture of the woman who was
helping me with the art gig last week.

she made such an impression on me that i
wanted to post about her...

her name is virginia....and i loved her from
the very start.

but when she came out to meet me in person
for the first time with this awesome cool
mustache on, she won my heart forever!

this woman was a total inspiration to me.

she gave of herself so freely and energetically.
she threw herself into setting up that show for
me. and what a job she did! it was lovely!

when she took me over to her own art, i just
about fell over. she does mosaics....and my gosh...
she does them right. her stuff was gorgeous.
i heard noah trying to describe it to zakk and he
said 'she takes mosaics to the next level.'
i agree.

she told me her story of finding her art in a
dark time and how it poured out of her.

she was open, and caring, and strong and confident.
she made me laugh, she made me think, and she
made me want to go home and create more art.

and she had the best mustache i'd ever seen!

people do all kindsa things to me. they can make
me think, they can make me sad, they can make
me laugh, drain me, energize me, the whole deal...

but when they inspire me......ohhhhhh
i just love that!

i've been carryin' virginia around inside me since
i met her.

i've been thinking....
it's WHO she was....how she dealt with living.

while i loved her mosaics and wouldn't mind owning
every single piece she made....what stayed with me
more was the story of how she did them when she was
down. to pull herself back into life.

it's HOW SHE LIVES....not what she does.

even with the show....
she coulda just set it up like anyone else woulda.
but she put so much into it, you woulda thought it
was HER show.

there wasn't a line that divided her and i.
she wasn't doin' it for me. she was doin' it for us.
and i felt that.

i didn't feel lines between us.
i felt an openness and i felt her energy in living.

there's a lot there to think about.
specially after that awesome cool quote from josh...
about living like your life is a very hot fire....

don't live the lukewarm stuff, ya know???
there wasn't anything lukewarm about virginia....
and i sure loved that.

it's how you live.

and so.......HOW are you living???

mustaches and play

it is so totally spring outside this morning.
all the birds were out playin' with each other...
everything was singing or playing!

made me think of how much i love to play.
which made me think of mustache monday!
we've got another monday!

i just popped my mustache on!
i need this today.

i'm in need of some playing!

my favorite thing about this is watchin'
zakk.

he forgets i have it on. then will come
in to say something and i'll turn to him
and he'll see the stache and the look
he gets on his face EVERY TIME cracks me up!

i don't know if it was cause i was quiet all
weekend or what.....but i am sooooo ready
to play today!

off to post a picture on facebook!

tidbits again!!

i'm dangerous with a good book.
and now i have TWO that i'm reading at once!
i got some reading time in with my second
book today. ohmygosh.......

tidbits to share!
the book is the sequel to 'kitchen table
wisdom.' this one is called 'my grandfather's
blessings.'

i'm just barely past the intro and loving it
already!

first gasp....

she's describing blessings in the most gorgeous
way. and there's one part where she says:

'a blessing is a moment of meeting, a certain
kind of relationship in which both people
involved remember and acknowledge their true
nature and worth, and strengthen what is whole
in one another.'

i thought of the young woman in charlottesville
the other nite. when she handed me her cd and
our eyes held for a moment. THAT was a moment
like the author describes.

how totally cool to have a word for those moments!

second gasp:

'perhaps the wisdom lies in engaging the life you
have been given as fully and courageously as
possible and not letting go until you find the
unknown blessing that is in everything.'

woe.
wow.
woe.

and my final gasp for this sitting:

'the language of the soul is meaning. ...
meaning helps us to see in the dark. it strengthens
the will to live in us...
over time meaning heals many things that are beyond
cure....
finding meaning does not require us to live differently;
it requires us to see our lives differently....
meaning may change the way we see ourselves and the world.
people who have felt themselves to be victims may be
surprised to realize they are heroes.'


okay.
those are my tidbits.

i'm thinking this woman so totally rocks.
i'm sure i'll be sharing a lot as we go along here....

cool sons/cool quotes

i love how cool my sons are.....

i was just takin' a break from taxes and
went over to josh's blog.

i got this quote from over there...

"Live your life like a very hot fire -
leave nothing but white ash."
- Some guru dude


i grinned with the 'some guru dude'....
don't you just LOVE that quote?!

wow.

it's perfect for me today too as i'm
all fuzzy headed.....and definitely not
living like a very hot fire.....

but i'm kinda inspired to heat up a bit
right now.....

women

ahhhh shakin' the grogginess off this morning
and gettin' down to business!
women!!!
it's international woman's day (see post below)

there's so many women who mean the world to me....
i honored lynn in mary's blog where we pick one
woman who's affected us, changed us.
in my eyes, lynn saved me.

so many women have affected me, shaped me,
grown me, made space for me......

i sat and thought of them all thru my life.
there have been many.

the ones who stand out at forks in the road are:

deanna who opened the gate for me to trust being
a mother who followed her heart. she was my role
model. she's the one i held in my mind when my heart
told me things the world argued. deanna gets the
credit for being my mothering mentor!!

sher who stood by me in my fear and reminded me
that it wasn't easy but it'd be worth it. who let
me know without a shadow of a doubt she was there
for me and would stand by me and would not leave
me when i was so afraid everyone would. many did...
but not sher. she only came closer. she grabbed
my hand and has held it tight ever since.

tam who validated me as an artist and made the
space for me to see that what i did mattered.

barbara who stepped up and said she'd be my mom
when i felt i had lost mine. she nurtured me and
poured unconditional love on me in my most raw
moments.

fre for teaching me about the different parts of
myself, for never ending support and for believing
in bone sighs more than i did at times. she opened
new worlds for me.

kar for listening and understanding and getting me.
for going thru my first real step into middle age
with me....for teaching me that good doesn't always
win...but that love keeps going anyway.

susan for allowing me to walk thru hell with her.
for trusting me so much that that very trust brought
me to edges where i had to face honesty inside myself
more than i ever had before.

and there's tons more. but these women i wanted to
mention today.
if you step back and think of who's touched your life,
it's pretty amazing.

funny, too, as i wrote this list more than one man came
to mind. it's woman's day, so i'm sticking with the women.
but i've been lucky enough to have some pretty impressive
men in my life also.

pretty cool.
it's just pretty darn cool.

international woman's day!

i've got some kinda sleeping thing goin' on...
like i can't get enough!

i'm actually thinking of headin' back to bed
and i JUST got up!

wanted to post mary's blog here
don't forget to go on over and participate in
international women's day!!!

i haven't even been over yet......
wanted to remind you first!

celebrate your women!

a way cool moment

i don't know what it is about eyes....
but they really are the place you can hold
someone you don't even know, aren't they?

she walked by last nite. told me she had one
of my books, liked it and had thought of me
and wanted to give me something.

she handed me her cd.

i have a feeling she was just as shy as i was.
it was a really quick interaction.

and i had a feeling this was a huge gift
she was giving me.

so i looked in her eyes. really looked.
and let mine look back. and i thanked her in
her eyes.

it sounds so dopey....and if she read this i
wonder if she'd laugh and say 'um nooooo i
didn't get that at all....'
but i really really felt like two souls touched
right then.

i'm waiting for the house to be totally empty
today and for total quiet....and i'm gonna sit
back and put her music on.

i already know i'm going to love it.

home again

i was really scared.
and it went good.
met some really cool people.
got to meet two online friends
in the flesh.
heard some really amazing stories.
got touched deeply more than once thru
the evening.
and was given a special gift by a really
beautiful woman.

it was an evening filled with love and caring.
and yeah, these events continue to scare me.

coming home tho, josh said he finally understood
me. he could never get the discomfort i get when
i go to do an art gig. he's the entertainer and
would love to do these things.

but last nite as we drove home in the dark he said
he saw it. he saw how comfortable and natural i
was when i was connecting with someone. he saw
me liking that and he saw me doing that thru the
evening. 'when you do that, you just shine, mom.'

and he saw how uncomfortable i was when i had to
'be' someone. when i had to meet an expectation.
'you totally change, mom, and you can see how
uncomfortable you are.'

when a woman came up to him and his brother and
told them that 'your mom isn't at all what she
expected.' he stopped her and asked her what it was
she was expecting.

he had heard me say over and over that i know
people come looking for something, and i'm not
usually whatever it is.

so he was curious.

i believe he got something like 'older, and more
haggard.'

grin.

well.....that one was an easy one to be okay about
not being.

so it's over, i stepped outta my comfort zone and
did it!
oh! and for the comment about putting it on the home page....
i put it in our newsletter...forgot the homepage, but have
done so in the past. so thanks for the nudge.

the next one is in a couple of weeks. but it's an
easy one. i'm not featured. i just show up and hang out.
i'm gettin' to be friends with the ladies who run the shop
and i'll just be there all evening as support for their
event. i'm gonna try real hard to conquer this shyness!

maybe one of these days.....

an art gig....

this will be the last one from me for the day....
yo, josh and i are headin' out for the day.
zakk has a cold and has elected to man the fort.

i'm gonna miss the stinker....but as he pointed
out to me, he'll enjoy the quiet.

we've got an art gig down in charlottesville,
virginia. c'ville arts if anyone's in the area.

i pretty much stay away from these kinda things
as i'm really shy and well....just absolutely sure
that when people meet me i'm not gonna be what
they had been looking for. i'll let them down.

yeah.
real healthy attitude, huh?

that's why i'm goin'.
because i gotta get over myself sometimes.

i told myself that when these things come up,
i'll do them. i can't let the fear keep me in.

and so.
i will.

turns out the people down in c'ville are incredible.
they've been knockin' their sox off for me and
really pitchin' in to make this nice.

now i want to go down just to thank them!

i've got eleanor roosevelt's quote on my fridge:
do one thing every day that scares you.

and rumi's quote on my studio door:
forget safety, live where you fear to live.

so...um....i guess i meetin' my quota for the
week today.

silly, huh?

i'll be glad when i get over this fear....
and i will get over it, right????
grin....

a mary oliver poem for you....

years ago, when i was still pretty new
at the being on my own stuff, someone
sent me this poem. i remember little shots
of electricity runnin' down me when i read
it for the first time.

since then, i've seen it here and there.
haven't really stopped to take it in like
that first time.

last nite, it was in the book i'm reading.

funny.
when i first read it,it was about going out
on my own and starting my new life.

now i've kinda gotten used to bein' on my
own....i wouldn't think it would really fit
any more.

but now as i look at it with the eyes of
someone goin' on the midlife adventure, it
has meaning for me all over again....
wanted to share...


The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver


i so so dig ms. oliver~!

a thought from my latest book...

oh i am so loving this new book.
i've only had three times i've sat with
it, and each time i stop and think
'she understands me!'
that's such a good feeling!

(this is the book 'awakening at midlife'
by kathleen brehony. a very close friend
of mine is friend's with her. i may
have to pull some strings here....

anyway....she takes a thought from
schopenhauer...
they compared life to a piece of embroidery:
during the first half we look at the right
side, while during the second half we see the
wrong side - which is not as beautiful but
is more instructive, since we can see the way
in which the threads have been worked together.

ohhhhhhh.....i liked that.
and i so definitely feel like that's what's
goin' on.
altho....i don't feel real comfortable with
the 'right' side and the 'wrong' side....
but i get the idea!

way cool.
wanted to share.....

chickens in disguise

i'm sittin' here tryin' to figure out a design
thing for the cancer site. strugglin'.
when ms. anonymous came thru with some comments.
(thanks, lady!)

she said it takes courage to be brutally honest...

yeah, yeah, i think we all THINK it does.
and i know it takes work. i really do know that.
and yeah, there's what may seem like courage.
but it may just be disguised.

i was thinking about this last nite....

let me see if this makes any sense.....

i was kinda mullin' the wells and identity
thoughts a bit (see post below) and i got
to thinking of all the WRONG places we put
emphasis.

i really really think we build what we've got.
(a lot of luck (or fate, or whatever) involved,
yes) but a whole heck of a lot of building.
so much is up to us.

sooner or later we're all gonna get the rug
pulled out from under us. maybe some of us will
have it pulled fast enough we won't even know....
but a lot of us are gonna be sittin' there rugless
waitin' to die.

WHY would we build a lifetime of stuff that
doesn't matter?! WHY would we create a world that
won't support us in the darkness???

that was all whirling inside of me last nite.

and when you look at it that way, it's not courage
that makes you want to build 'real' is it?
it's just kinda like planning ahead or something.

it's like building the foundation that will last.

it's not about courage.

and all that fear that i encounter along the way
in trying to be real???
that fear is just roadblocks or something.

whenever you REALLY look at stuff you're afraid of,
it's really not that scary.

i think it's scarier not to look and then have it
all land on you at the end....

THAT's scary!

so maybe somehow we've got it all backwards??
and maybe if we could just turn it all around,
it wouldn't be so hard.

grin.

yeah.

it's the turnin' it all around stuff that takes
some work, huh?

i don't know....
but i do know this....
i'm not on this journey of searchin' cause i'm
courageous.
that i know.
i'm on it cause i want real.
and not having real is way scary for me.

so i guess i'm on this journey cause i'm chicken!

wells and identities

where's your identity?
where are your wells?

i asked myself that this morning.

if everything started changing for you,
if you weren't sure of your health and
what was ahead for you....
what would you do?
what would you concentrate on?

and i'm thinking the answer to that would
be based on the answers to
where's your identity, where's your wells?

oh. in case you don't think like i do...
by 'well's' i mean where do you go to fill
yourself up?

i'm thinking this might be a good thing to
figure out. and adjust if the places aren't
really that nourishing....

just a thought on my mind this morning......

cords

so i walked up to the corner today and looked
at the tree that i have decided represents me.

i stopped, looked at it and said 'okay, let's
see how you're doin' today, ter.'

i kinda stepped to the side as the sun has been
steadily moving and was now in my face when i
looked. so i stepped around to get a better look.
and it struck me....

the tree (it's a small one, fairly newly planted)
is staked with a cord around it to grow straight
and tall.

oh. man.
funny how it wasn't til this morning that i reacted.

we gotta get that cord off of it. it's doin' fine.
it doesn't need that.

and i grinned.
hmmmmmm...........you reacting to your own cords,ter?

the usual place i go with cords, and constricting,
and forcing and all that icky stuff is to stuff in
my history. the usual, family stuff or marriage stuff.
the usual.

but today, altho, i went there first, i did something
really good.

i said 'oh that's so past. that's over. what is it
that's constricting you NOW, girl?'

let's get the cords off and stand free.

ah. a shot of fear ran thru.

i like the 'support' the 'security' of feeling like
something's holding me up.

you don't need it ter....doesn't work anyway.

drop the cords and stand on your own.
it's up to you now......

a big burly man

so i'm headin' back around the construction
that's near my house.

this big burly man steps across from the
construction area right over to where i'll
walk in a moment.

i see him do it and i think 'okay. he's
just a big burly man. it's an okay thing.'

he's standin' there facin' the construction
with a hand up to his face shielding the sun.

i step up next to him, face where he's
facing, put my hand up like he is and say
'whatchya lookin' at?'

he starts talkin' sewer pipes to me.

grin.

i've been hangin around with the guys and
bob so much, i can talk manly now. so i
talk sewer pipes back.

and we start walkin' up the road just a
bit together. he's going back into the
site, i'm headin' home.

he's tellin me how he's looking forward
to the change in weather. i sympathize with
him but tell him at least he gets to be
outside.

he loves being outside he says and then
somehow we both kinda comment on the ugliness
if what it is they've done.

i smiled at him and told him 'i keep telling
myself it's not you guys' fault.'

and ready? he actually seemed grateful for that.
he said 'you'd be surprised how many people
think it is.'

and he grumbled and said 'and they call this progress...'

it was so amazing for me to hear. and i don't know
why. i should have known.

where i live used to be really rural. there's
a lotta blue collar/red neck kinda guys. they aren't
the government workers that fill a lot of the
area. where i live, the guys drive trucks, and
work construction. this is their living.

here he was, this big guy. bushy beard, hood pulled
up over his head, muddy boots, little bit of that
southern maryland twang. and he didn't like it either.

i always wave and smile to these guys and in my
head i'm always reminding myself it's not their fault.

today, actually talking to this man....really really
helped me with them. it totally cemented what i've
been tellin' myself for months now.

they're just tryin' to get by too....
they aren't the greedy ones.

i'm so glad that big burly man stepped into my path
this morning...

brutally honest

ohhhhhhhhh he just made my day!

we were just talkin' and i suggested
he get to know two women we were talkin'
about. (yeah, what was i thinkin??!)
and he kinda crinkled his face and said
he really didn't want to 'go there'....
meaning find out what was at the root
of them.

how come? i asked.
you did with me.

but that took a long time, he answered.

no, it didn't. you were open to it the very
first time i met you.

and then he said it.

he said 'yeah, but you are brutally honest.'

i stopped.

i loved it.

i lit up.

with myself??
you really think so???

and he grinned.

ya like that, don't ya?

oh yeah!
that's what i want to be!!!
you really think so??

he was quick to add 'you're also overly
critical of yourself at times.'

i waved that off.
yeah.
yeah.

he hugged me.
told me i was beautiful.
yeah.
yeah.

but you said brutally honest!
did you mean that?!

he laughed.
he reminded me of the beautiful.

yeah.
yeah.
every guy thinks his girlfriend is
beautiful.

but BRUTALLY HONEST....
oh that's a good one!

honesty is what i want so badly.
and i just can't figure out how you really
know if you're being honest as it's so easy
to trick yourself.

and i know if we get right down to it,
he really doesn't know. i'm the only one
who would really know that.

and i can't really know that.

so no one knows that.

but i don't care.
i liked that he said it anyway.
so i'm goin' with it.

grin.

just made my whole nite.

he said it was part of the 'quest thing' that
i'm on...part of the 'got to know' deal that
i'm workin' on....

maybe.
maybe.

i do know one thing....
i want honesty.

and i guess it's just like everything else...
it's not like once you get it you got it.

it's like everything else....slippin' in and
slippin' out and never quite standing still.....

but for tonite, i'm holding that thought.
for tonite i'm brutally honest.

don't pay any attention to this one!

okay.
so what are you doin' readin' this one?!
grin.

this is just a test for my buddy doin' the
international woman's day.

just ignore this one!

okay, ms. mar!
i'm typin' my blog here and i'm tellin'
everyone about the great day it is
and i then i go ahead and want to include
the link.

i can just cut and paste it...
or i can be really cool and i can type the
words 'click here' (or any words i think
are cool)

then i'll take my mouse, and click back over
on 'click here'. it'll turn blue.
while that's still blue i'll go take my mouse
and click on that third thing in up top where
you have the b for BOLD you have the i for italic
and you have the thing that looks like a weird toothy
smile with a green beard. (third thing in)

click on that.
a box pops up. you put our link in there.
it types all this stuff in the body of your
text.

it looks weird to you, but you go with it.
then you hit publish post and ta da!
it's set.

now i'm gonna do that and then i'll go check
and see if the link and card work!

comfort in myself

had an interesting talk with a mom about the
struggles she watches between her son and his
dad recently.

i know the dad enough that i tried to offer some
insight about the dad's insecurities and how
he may feel threatened. that i just didn't think
he was really comfortable with certain things
about himself.

i told her that i doubted he would do any reflecting
on that, but maybe it would help her understand it
more and cope better.

i didn't really think too much about the talk.
left it behind me.

or so i thought.

as i walked and thought of my dad today, that
very conversation came up in my thoughts.

my dad struggled with me a lot.
and at my healthier moments, i know that was
my dad's deal.
at my weakest moments, i'm sure i'm just an
all around disappointment.

so i thought of that conversation.

the obvious part is connecting the dad's and
their being threatened and uncomfortable.

logically i know that.
mostly i get it.
sometimes i totally have it.
today i was strong enough to be fine with
that theory and believe it.

but here's where i went one step further than
usual....

the more comfortable *i* am with MYSELF, the less
i will fret and fuss and accept these false beliefs
i hold on to when i'm feelin' weak.

MY level of comfort of myself will change everything.

so along with awareness (see post below) i want to
work on my level of comfort with myself.

i KNOW that will make a big difference in my life.

not sure how to do that.
but i'm pretty sure it's key.

so comfort with myself is the goal today....
i'll see how i can toy with that a bit....

maybe something will come along today to show me
how.

you just never know..........

a good day....

something i don't think i've put out here,
and i guess something i hadn't even told
bob came up yesterday as i told him about
my thoughts from my walk on learnin' from
the good.

he asked me what i was gonna do with it all.

heard myself answer right away that my first
step was awareness. if i can keep the awareness
in my head during the hard times, i can work
with things.

and then i told him....

the first thing that i came up with yesterday
that i was good at (see posts below)
was giving love.

i laughed. clarified that i wasn't so good at
RECEIVING....but good at giving.

that was the first thing i came up with.

but then as i thought it thru, i realized the
amount of work i put into that. and i told him
my example....

when he and i are at a really tough spot together,
you know those...those spots when you're just not
sure what the heck is the point, and you're tired
of the work, and you're really not too thrilled with
what's goin' on or this person at the moment.
you know those.....
well, at those times, there's a thought that pops
in my mind. it's happened every time things were
really really at the hardest....

the thought comes from the only thing i hang on to
that i know about love.

it's my partial definition of love i throw out all
over the place....
loving someone is reaching beyond yourself when you're
in pain. when you're both in tremendous pain, you
reach beyond yourself to their pain.

i believe with my whole heart that that is a crucial
part of love.

and i've said it enough that it's a thought i have
in me all the time.

so when we're in those particularly icky spots, that
thought will pop in my head.

darn it.

when that pops in you can't ignore it.
not if your goal is to BE love.

darn it.

so then i use that as a catalyst and i will say things
like 'what is it you are feeling right now? what is it
you need from me?'

that kinda thing.

there's an awareness of this bottom line love thing i
have. and that awareness will pop in when i need it.
and i trust it because i totally believe it, and it can
move me forward.

i didn't realize i had never told him that.
anyway....

having done that, i can see how i need an awareness for
other things also.

so i went on my walk with awareness on my mind today.

i also had my ever lovin' pop on my mind as it would have
been his 76th birthday today.

thinking about my dad is a loaded thing for me. it can
go really well, or it can bring up tremendous self doubts.

and sure enough....the self doubts started creeping up.
and the phrase "watch your thought hygiene' popped into my
head! (i love that phrase! and no, it's not mine!)

and i smiled big time.
AWARENESS!

there's awareness.
i'm goin' down a wrong path here.
stop.
reverse.
turn another way.
watch your thought hygiene.

oh yeah, i can do that easy today. i'm strong, in a good
place today. i can do that. but how about when i can't.
when it's like moving boulders to try to shift my thoughts?
how about then???

and i went back to the example in the beginning.
there have been boulder times there, believe me.
and i've pushed them outta the way.
i can do it.

practice.
belief in myself.
knowing i've done it before.

i can do it.

i did it this morning.
and it felt good.

to me, the best present my kids could ever do for
me for my birthday would be to keep themselves on
a healthy track. to think of me with love and know
that they matter.

i'm certainly not thinking my dad is sittin' in the
sky waitin' for a birthday present....
but i gave him one anyway.
i kept believin' in me....and thought of him with love.

happy birthday, dad........

birthday letters

it's my elderly neighbor's birthday today.
lunch break will be down at georgia's today
celebrating with her.

i decided to write her a letter to let her
know how much she's touched our lives.

as i typed it, i went back over the 17 years
we have known each other. and all the life that
has passed between us.

wow, it really brought up a lot for me. and
showed me how much we've been involved with
each other's lives.

i don't know.....it seems like this might be
a really cool custom. maybe not on everyone's
birthday every year. would be hard to make it
meaningful. but maybe on special birthdays it
would be something to keep in mind.

whenever it's a birthday anyway, i stop a minute
and thank the universe that that someone is here.
i like birthdays because of that. it helps remind
me that they are a gift and their presence is
something that matters.

this letter idea really solidifies that big time.

this woman has touched my life.
i knew that.
but when i started writing her.....i REALLY
knew it.

tears ran down my face as i wrote.

think i need to do this more often!

lessons from the good things....

so i got a note to remind me that while i'm
making lists for myself, to make sure i list
the good stuff about me too.
(thank you for that)

well, i took that thought out with me on
my walk.

it occurred to me that maybe i can learn how
to work on the stuff that needs workin' on by
learning from what it is that i do well.

the very first reaction to that was nahhhh
cause whatever i do well, i do naturally. it
just comes to me, so i really don't get credit
for it if it's natural. and how discouraging
that will be when i really look at that because
it may mean i won't ever get the stuff i need
to work on right because it certainly isn't
natural. there will be no hope.

stupid grin here.
cause that was really stupid.

i didn't know that until i looked. and i'm so
glad i kept looking.

first thing was to find something i was good
at. try it. we're not as quick as we might be.

but i found something.
and i realized what work it was for me to be
good at it.

so i found a few more things.
and i couldn't believe it.
i work HARD at those things.

who knew????
i thought it was all second nature and effortless.
pphhlllllllllllllllllhhhhhhopppppppppppp.
(rasberry sound)

my gosh, noooooooooooooo.

so i looked at the work involved.
it included things like really looking and seeing.
pushing pushing pushing thru walls and roadblocks.
patience with myself and getting up over and over
again.

all that is involved in things that i thought were
natural to me.

wow!
so the fact that i need to do that with things i'm
no good at doesn't seem so daunting anymore.

i mean, it's daunting. it's all always daunting
cause it's so much work. but i see that i have done
it, can do it, and will do it.

ha~!

i can't believe it!
and i can't believe i didn't know.

and things i didn't think i should get any credit for...
well, ya know what? i should! i should give myself
some credit.

go figure.

how can one walk around and not know so many things???

baby step by baby step i'm learning......

wit

oh wow......
i just watched a movie.
i rarely watch movies.
always a little short on time.

i watched this one on purpose.
this was actually part of my 'work.'

it's about a woman who dies from cancer.

i do NOT recommend it for anyone dealin'
with cancer right now.

i watched it because we're working on a cancer
site and i wanted to watch this so that
i would keep in mind what it is that we
are really doing.

i am still crying and the movie's over.

my gosh.
it's called 'wit' and it was soooooo powerful.

so so so powerful.

and once again how i live is knocked into
my face.

what i do with my time, how i live, how
i treat the gift i've got right now....

and how much incredible pain people go thru.

i so want to help.

and the tears roll down my face.

i not only want to grab my life and take it
and hold it and appreciate it and live it and
use it and offer it....

i so want to hold everyone in their pain.

guess you could say it was a good movie.

i'm so glad i watched it.

there won't be anything mechanical in me
as i help build this site we will be offering.

to all those who are healthy....grab it, and
live.
to all those who are sick....i so wish i could
hold your hand with you.

off to find an entire box of kleenex...

making my list......

okay.
the list is getting long.

i seriously am NOT trying to find the things
that are wrong with me.

seriously, this is not a self esteem problem.

i just feel like i'm stumbling onto so many
things that i'm really seeing for the first time.

maybe you see them when you're ready, ya know?

today i found another.

now it got to the point i figured i'd better
make a list or they're gonna slip by me.

they've all been blogged about....

me workin' on false beliefs about myself.

the idea that i don't deserve happiness.

the better thought hygiene idea....working
on keeping the thoughts healhty.

creating spaces...that's a positive one
we gotta throw in there....creating spaces
for myself.

and today's hum dinger....

anger management!

i've had more than one friend ask me about
my anger. like um....where is it, terri?

i've heard it before.

well.....today anger came up.
because i was mad about something.
but you couldn't really tell.
you could tell i was upset or off....
but mad??? um. no.

so talkin' to bob and another trusted friend
today......

they pointed out to me that i think it thru a lot.
that i try to see everyone's point of view. and
in so doing, i kinda 'hold off' on the anger til
i figure it out.

well, where does it go then???

ewwwwwwww i don't know!
bob says i hold on to it then. while i'm figurin'
it out. i hold on to it.

i bet that's not a healthy thing!

wouldn't want that goin' into my cells or anything!

so i got all excited all over again today.

gonna try to figure this one out.

i thought i did good with it.
i say things like 'i'm really mad right now.'
but as zakk points out...that's not anger.

grin.

yeah.
yeah.

soooooo.......where do i go with this?
i don't know.
but i actually wrote my list out today.
because these are all so big i don't want them
to slip thru my fingers.

i think i need like 90,000,000 more walks here.
a little tweak here, a little tweak there.

bob teases and tells me i'm a 'tinkerer' always
tinkerin' with my insides.

well, yeah!
there's a lot there to tinker with, buster!

off to find a wrench.....

a pea brained wannabe otter

okay.
i gotta admit it and declare it and make
it official....
i have the world's most pea like pea brain.
it takes soooooo little to amuse me.

i went over to face book to see if anyone
had joined me with the mustaches.

oh my.

i have been laughin' and laughin' like a
fiend.

it's such a stupid little thing and yet it
has just made my whole morning.

not everyone in the club has hopped in yet.
i'm hoping as the day goes on it gets more
and more. i'll just keep goin' over there
every time i need a laugh.

i put up one of me that makes me laugh
every time i look at it.

and i hear myself cacklin away and i'm thinking,
terri, if anyone could hear you, they'd think
you were a lunatic.

i love to play.

i tease and say if i could come back as anything
next life it would be an otter as they live to
play.

this mustache monday thing is my way of being
an otter.

and it feels so good.........

another mustache monday

last week's mustache monday got me a little
carried away! i ended up starting a mustache
monday facebook club! i gotta go over there and
see if anyone remembered!

as i was headin' in from my walk, my neighbor
was cleanin' off his truck. i like this guy a lot.
he's full of energy and cheerfulness.

together, we make quite a pair in conversation.

once, years ago, yo said he stood at our living
room window and watched my neighbor and i talking.
he said it was so funny to watch. lots of bending
over laughing and arms waving from both of us.

we exchanged goofiness and laughter and i asked
him if he really had to go in. oh yeah, his phone
had been ringing off the hook since three this
morning.

groan. okay. i told him to be safe and all that
stuff and headin' into my driveway.

hmmmmm.....he needs a mustache for today.
so i stopped in my studio, grabbed mine and put
it on and then grabbed an extra one for him.

by the time i got back to his driveway, he was
in his truck. i went up and knocked on his window.
he looked out his window and saw me in my mustache.
his reaction was so great. he sorta fell back and
then opened his door.

he laughed and said he didn't recognize me at
first.

i explained mustache monday to him and handed him
one. 'here, it'll make your drive in more fun!'

he loved the idea. jumped right in.
'i have to hand these out!' he said.
as i walked away from his truck i listened to
him just laughing and laughing.....

and i grinned.

who knew?
mustaches are so much fun!

inside, outside, all around!

wow!
you want gorgeous, you should come over
to my neighborhood today!
wow!

just got in from a winter wonderland
walk.

and how perfect it was too....

ever since that last post, i've been
thinking of where 'infinity' is.

there are two places i can go looking
for it. (infinity...god....limitlessness...)
way down deep inside of me. i feel no ending
there...i feel it can go forever....

and the sky. way way up and beyond.....
above me. i can get lost there and touch
things beyond me there.

today as i walked it was as if i had stepped
into another place with all this snow....
and i thought

'infinity inside me.
infinity outside me.
infinity all around me.'

and somewhere discombobulated and jumbled
inside me i got a glimmer of what the 'all is
one' statement meant.

shoot, i thought, maybe that's my new mantra!

infinity inside me.
infinity outside me.
infinity all around me.

maybe i'll just have to use all of these!!!

a group mantra!

laughin' over here.

i got a comment on my god mantra before
i even finished my other post!
i figured that one would get comments!

that's the kinda thing that people react to!

shoot out mantras if you've got ideas.
maybe i can refine and combine and come up
with the perfect one for me that way!

i am totally open to suggestions!

i haven't decided on one yet.
i wouldn't mind taking a ton and mixing them
up! so go for it!

the comment said that god is bigger than inside of
us.

ya know, a spiritual discussion is prolly a mistake
here....so i won't do it.

just remember words are soooo slippery.

maybe what's inside of us is limitless?
maybe what's inside of us is what's outside of us?

maybe when i see 'inside' that's where i see infinity
and maybe you see it 'outside'
ya know?
it's just sooo kooky to try to use words sometimes!

so don't get hung up on the words, okay?
go with the feeling, try to put it into words and
shoot it out if you feel like it.

then i can go with feelings and see what i can mix
together what we've got! and get the perfect one for me!

could be cool! a group composed mantra!!!

the zakk fest

and so i went to josh's guitar student's recital
last nite. called the zakkfest as a spoof on the
ozzfest and named after one of josh's student's
zakk.

josh's grace and love and caring and gentleness
with his students flowed all over that room.
of course, all in his colorful, crazy, zany way.

(did i mention his red velvet top hat, tiger pants
and pink chucks??)

at one point there was a technical problem and
josh was havin' a hard time jugglin' everything
up front.

there was a young guy who had come to squat down
next to me to say hello. an old student of josh's.
friendly, personable, a musician who liked to perform.

i nudged him.
go on up and talk. you're a talker, you can do it.

he stepped right up to that mic and jumped right in.

introduced himself as a former student of josh's
and started talkin' about josh as a teacher. he said
that you get way more than a music lesson when you go
see josh. that he cared about you and your life and
how you were as a person. he said he'd been gone for
about a year, and he would still get check ins from
josh just checkin' in on him and makin' sure he was
okay. he talked about how josh saw each student as a
person who counted.

then that young man looked over at me.
he said 'i know his mother's a huge influence on him.
and she's had a great affect on his life.'

wow.
wasn't expecting that one.

then he made some joke about josh and sat back down
and the music started up again.

it was really cool that this guy who couldn't be
any older than 17 said all that stuff...

each kid got a moment to be a rock star.

josh said something about each one that came up. told
a story, described them, made sure we knew something
good about each one of them.

and then they played.

josh would gently and quietly scoot microphones closer,
he moved one girl's long hair out of her way at one point
so gently and quietly, he leaned over and helped one with
fingers without ever really interrupting....

it didn't matter which level you were, you got
cheered and clapped and appreciated and told you were
great.

there was one kid there that seemed like a natural. the one
who stood out. 9 years old. wrote his own original song....
when he played, he was so comfortable with that guitar.

i found his mother afterwards.....asked if he was her son.
'you're gonna be rich,' i said. 'man, you'll have some nice
cars in your future!'

turns out.......i didn't realize......
she's a single mom. was going to have to stop the guitar lessons
a little while ago as money was getting tight. josh said no.
not unless he wanted to stop. but if he didn't, they were gonna
work out a scholarship for him. that he needed to play.

wouldn't that just be something if that was the one who made
it big??

but last nite.....they all made it big.
the smiles were huge....the pride and happiness was everywhere.
the support and love and encouragement in that room
rocked the walls.

i sat there and thought......josh created this.
he made this happen....

i could not have been more proud of him.

refining the mantra

so we were just hangin' out.
and i told him i needed a new mantra.
told him some of the lame stuff i'd
come up with and how it just wasn't
right and how i needed it to be right
if i was really gonna work with it.

he didn't miss a beat.
looked me straight in the eye and said
'i've got it, altho, i'm not sure if
you're ready for it.'

and i looked at him.

i can NEVER tell when he's playin' with
me or when he's gonna answer seriously.

he can be the most irreverent, crass person
you'd ever want to meet or he can be the most
sensitive and wise. you just never know what's
gonna come out.

he said 'it's big. we may have to break
it down for you, but it works for everything.'

okay.
i'm curious.

suspiciously i ask 'what is it?'

he looks me dead in the eye and says

'i am god.'

woe.

'works for everything' he said and grinned.

now.......some readers may get bent out of shape
with that one.

don't, okay?

i hesitated to put it up here as i didn't want
to make anyone cranky.

but it's nothing to get cranky about.

both he and i believe god is within us.
any more explanation than that, i can't really
give as i have none.

i just believe we carry god in us.

and when i say something like 'i want to be love'
it can prolly be translated into 'i want
to uncover the god inside of me.'

nothing to get bent out of shape over.

i looked back at him and grinned.

'believe it or not, i was headin' in that
direction, and i don't think it's too big.
i think it's perfect.'

then i hesitated.
'what can we break it down to?' i asked and laughed.
maybe i do need smaller bits.

we tried a few.
nahhhhh i'm gonna go with 'i am god.'
and i laughed.

not sure i can do it....but what the heck.

then i came here to a comment from a friend
with a great one!

'i am the beauty the gods had in mind.'

that one seems easier to hold....and even that
is pretty huge!

and then i just wrote one here without even
knowing it that i like....might be more my
speed than the strong, direct, 'i am god' thing...
maybe 'i am uncovering the god inside me.'

feels a little more my speed.

maybe i can put them together.

i am the beauty the gods had in mind.
i am uncovering the god inside of me.
i am god.

woe.

seems like you could tackle anything with that
mantra, doesn't it???

why does it feel like i have a long ways to go yet??

grin.

think i'll work with these a bit.......