the last frontier....

i have an area in my life i call
'the last frontier.'

my body image.

and no, i'm not ready to blog much
about it.

that's why it's the last frontier.
it's SO SO SO deep and difficult.

something came up for me recently that
showed me once again how deep it goes.
i'm always amazed it's as deep as it is.
and i was reminded once again that even
tho i swore to myself i'd approach the
issue with myself,i ran the other way.

i just saw this clip on brene brown's
blog.

i was stunned.

i went to youtube and found more.

i'm very very very mixed on dove putting
these out. they're part of the problem.
BUT....i'm very very glad these are out there.

it's kinda like the big polluting company
tellin' you they're goin green.
i get so crazy mixed up on that stuff.

anyway..

my mouth fell open as i watched and i
could feel once again that last frontier
calling me......

for all who have daughters, for all who
have women in their lives, for all women
everywhere......





and then, please, check out brene.
she's too good to miss.

aligning me

i guess i had enough warnings that my walk
may not be as smooth as i'd like.

zakk got up, looked at me and said 'woe,
you look like how i feel.'

uh oh.

then yo walked in and sorta backed up.
lifted an eyebrow at me and said 'you
okay?'

oh great.

'do i look THAT bad?!!'

there was quick denial from yo.
so i knew.
i looked that bad.

i went off to bounce.

as i walked back thru with trampoline in
tow, yo looked at me again and laughed
and said 'wow, you look bounced.'

okay.
so why was i surprised when i started
walkin' and my body wasn't quite workin'
right again.

the shoulders leaning again into the world
the hips followin' behind thinking 'well,
yeah, maybe i'll come along, but don't rush
me.'

okay.
this wasn't workin'.

guys. guys.
we're just not aligned here.

so i concentrated.
got the shoulders to pull back over the hips.

ahhhhhh that feels better.

got the body to tune in to the spirit.
got the mind to tune into the body and spirit.

and we started flowin' down the street.

ewwwwwwww.
that is the coolest thing.

i have to concentrate on it to make it happen.
and when i stop, well all the parts scatter
again.

jeesh.

what a concept tho.

and i keep wondering......
i must be so scattered every day all day all
over the place.

what if i could align all of me during my days???

a little here and a little there.....
i'll keep trying.

unsticking my stuck self

we met up quick last nite.
just to make some kinda contact.

and i thought of the idea of not
really knowing anyone or anything.
(a post or two below)

so i sat there looking at him
like i didn't know him.

oh wow.
was that wonderful.

talk about fresh eyes.

of course, it was hard to concentrate
on what he was sayin'.

grin.

i looked at his eyes.
wow, they're so nice.
friendly and kind.
sometimes i forget cause he can
be really guyish and gruff.

and i just forget to look.

ya see?

i limit it because i think i know.

jeesh.

his eyes rock. some of the best eyes
i've ever seen in my life.

and then he smiled that crooked smile
he's got and i really looked at it.
and of course, loved it.

i listened to what he was sayin' and
tried to get to know him all over again.

if life is constant change, if things are
moment to moment and always flowing....

why do i think i know someone so well??
isn't he changing too?
aren't i?

isn't the dance between me and anyone always
changing??

pullin' my feet outta the mud here.
at least for a little while....

and watchin' the world with new eyes.....

reactions

we stole some time for a visit today.
and seein' her always makes me feel better.

as i was driving back to my house,
i thought about some of the stuff we
talked about.

she knows my history, knows my issues,
and i fill her in on my crazed reactions
to certain buttons that get set off now
thru my days.

first of all, she gave me the best gift
that friends give....
she understood and said she didn't blame
me for my reactions.

that just feels so good.

but then something else wonderful came
thru it all.

too long, complicated and twisted to get
into...but the bottom line....
(sorta bottom anyway)

i've made huge strides in healing and
getting past things. and yet my
REACTIONS to certain things show different.

i'm still reacting as if that stuff is
still goin on.

woe.

hang on.

that was an earth shaker in the car for
me as i drove home!

i see myself getting beyond it.
i see that stuff not mattering anymore.

BUT WAIT.

then why the strong reactions?!

well, obviously i haven't healed on all
layers, ter.

hmmmmmmm......

that's what i woulda said yesterday.

but i'm thinking.....

maybe it's just a matter of my reactions
catchin' up with my reality.

and maybe i need to have a talkin' to
with my reactions.

now.
i know reactions are just that.
reactions.
i react.
there's not a lot of thinking goin' on.

BUT there could be PRE-thinking.

cause these situations always come up.

and i really don't have to always react.

not if i'm really moving on.

i honestly, honestly think at some point
it's just a darn choice i make.

do i choose to stay linked to something
i've purposely left and outgrown?

or do i choose to move forward?

how deep is that choice?

is it just a top level choice?

or are you gonna make it for real, ter.

my reactions would tell me a lot about
that, i think.

i'm thinking the time has come to take a
good long hard look at that.

i can't change them overnite.
but i can certainly make some improvements
over nite.

and i do believe i'm in on this one!
i want this!

i sooooo want to leave that stuff behind me.

wait...no....
there will ALWAYS be a part of that stuff in
me. and that's okay. i think i can carry it and
fuel compassion and kindness with it.
but that's all i want it for. just enough to
teach me some good stuff.

the rest i want behind me.

that's up to me, isn't it?

jeesh.

ya know what?
i don't have any answers.
guess no one's surprised there.
grin.

no answers.

none.

well, maybe one or two out of what
i bet is a list of a million....

so, that pretty much counts as none.

and i just realized i really like that.

ha!
go figure.

i drive myself crazy tryin' to get answers
so much of the time.
but i know, there's none to get.
i just have to do the best i can.

and yeah, there's lots of times i wish i
had them.....
but those are desperate moments where i
NEED an answer to survive.

or at least...i THINK i do.
but i don't.

as i sit here thinking about some of the
people i know who do have all the answers....
well......i feel real lucky i don't.

they don't seem to see anymore.
they just know.

maybe that's the danger of having ANYTHING....
once you have it, maybe you don't see anymore.
or maybe you just don't see with such a wide
range vision anymore. you just know.

people, things, ideas.
you just know them or it and you stop seeing.

hmmmm.......
i started out just thinking about not having
the answers....
but this has got me thinking about the people
in my life.

i don't want to stop seeing them.
i don't want to just assume i know them.

same with ideas and beliefs.

great.
great.

i was feelin' good about not having answers
for a change....which was a pretty big step
for me.

jeesh.
never big enough!

now i see i gotta expand that and feel good
about not having any security at all.....

that i need to realize that i don't know
a darn thing about anything or anybody!!

life is too weird.
and what's weirder is the idea actually appeals
to me this morning.......

giving

the last post reminded me of this
bone sigh....it's called 'giving'

'maybe when you really love yourself
you can see beyond that self -
and then, maybe you never
give yourself away.
maybe you just give.'


maybe.......

one huge gigantic circle

it's the profound time of my cycle...
i love love love that time!

i'm way slower working, but there's something
so cool in the slow....

i'm packin' up an order and thinking about love.

long story.

nut shell tho....there's some people in my life
who don't treat me very well.
because of that, they're a small part of my life.
but because of the relationship, they're still in it.
i chose that. but at a distance.

the first thing that fascinated me this afternoon
was i saw it really clearly without emotion.

i just saw it and thought 'wow, that really sucks.
i wouldn't have done that to them.'

and there was no anger or hurt. it was just an
observation.

that tells me several big things.
first of all, their mattering scale in my world
has dropped tremendously. and that's a good thing.
really good thing.

and.....more importantly........MY mattering scale
in my world has risen tremendously. and that's an
awesome good thing
my perspectives have changed for the healthier.

i think there's a time i wouldn't have noticed.
i wouldn't have even had the thought cross my mind
that i deserved better.

amazing to me.
how can we not even know that we deserve good??

thing is....i'm just not even sure i knew i wasn't
getting good.

i don't know how to explain it, but i'm thinking
there's a few out there that will understand anyway.

hang on to that thought as i want to circle back to it.

and then...the love point....

i sat back and thought about what i was trying to do
with them. why i was trying to leave them some space
in my life.

because i'm thinking that it's teaching me one more
aspect of love.

not that sick sacrificing stuff that can get outta hand
and where you can totally lose yourself.
not that......
but an aware sort of presence where you watch the boundaries,
you keep yourself healthy, and you try to be kind for the
sake of kindness. you try to give love for the sake of love.
not for the sake of what you get back.

and that's where it circles around to the realizing you
deserve good.

i don't think i could have ever gotten to this point without
realizing i deserved good, leaving what wasn't good, finding
what was, and doubling back to forgive and to learn how to
love in a place that's difficult.

and what exactly is realizing you deserve good and taking it?
self love,i do believe.

and there, once you really begin to have self love,
you can give love without the need to get back.

not always, mind you.
i'm not some sage wise woman.

i need love back a lot.
and i get it a lot.
a lot.

but sometimes......i can just give it.

and i think that's because i've found it inside me.

and i don't think i could have found it inside me
without this crazy road i've traveled.

and i smile.

it's one huge gigantic circle.

with self love right smack in the middle.
and selfless love mixed doin' a dance with it.

how weird and wonderful is that??

i saw the circle just now and was taken with the
beauty of it.

feels, right now, anyway, like all of life must
be like this.

one huge weird circle with opposites mixed in
and doubling back happening as you go forward....

bowing down to the magnificence of it all.
and for the chance to be part of the dance.

sharin' some guy culture....

okay, i know i'm not the only one who lives
with guys.

i think maybe i'm just one of the more dense
women living with guys.

they CONSTANTLY amaze me with the world they live
in.

i grew up with two older brothers, but i really
didn't know much about their lives.

how did i not know there's this whole car
culture out there??? i knew a little bit as
my older brother was a car nut. but i didn't really
know about all the vrooming they do
to each other on the road. i didn't know racing
was an art. i thought it was just a buncha gorillas
driving fast.

how did i not know they can sit forever punching
each other and trying to see who can take it more?
and how could i not know that that's a greeting
and a way of communicating??

when bob comes over and all the guys are here,
my mind just boggles up and i can't believe the
culture among them.

the guyspeak.
the humor.
the totally different outlooks.
oh my.

and then there's parkour....

you've got to see this.

part of me gasps and freezes up for them,
thinking they're gonna break their darn
necks...and then part of me would love to have
the confidence and knowing of their body
that these guys have.

so....like with most things in the guy's lives...
part of me gets a kick out of it and is in a
little bit of awe...and part
of me wonders how guys have managed to stay
alive and evolve.....

every one of the guys in my life gets glued to
this kinda thing....


just had to share....
there is NOTHING like young male energy!

josh, worms and my heart

just so you know, i haven't been moping over
josh being gone. i'm usually fine.
what happens is it'll just hit real hard
at certain moments.

ALWAYS hits when we're pulling out of his
driveway and wavin' goodbye.

last time i told him to just go check his
email or something and stay inside. that made
it a whole lot easier.

it's the waving goodbye to him as he stands
alone in his driveway....

moments like that just get to me.....

closing the door behind him as he leaves here
as he walks out into the nite....

THOSE kinda moments get me.

but then there's other moments.

like this morning. as i walked. there were
a lotta worms struggling on the road.
a lotta them just didn't make it.
apparently they went in the wrong direction
and dried up.

i saved two that i saw. in two different spots.

i don't think i ever saved a worm before josh
came into my life.

they were icky.
whatever.
ugh.

then he would spend so much time saving them
from getting dried out.

i would watch him and just love him so much.

he still does this.
this isn't just when he was a kid.
he still will stop when we're walkin' and save
a worm or a bug.

this morning i did it.

and as i was bent over talkin' to this worm
i thought of josh.

that goofball is always with me.

and i grabbed that moment and held him close.

there's all kindsa moments.
and i want to see the ones where he's with me.
cause those make me smile.

it's all what you focus on, isn't it?

changing stories

was walkin' and thinking of stories.
how we get caught in them.

have a friend who's boggling my mind
with the way she's caught in one scenario
that she had gotten set on.
life has obviously thrown her a curve ball,
changed the game, and she won't see it.

so i cock my head, watch, and wonder where
i do this in my own life.

how stuck in my own stories do i get?

and then i thought about it.....it's really
one big long story with a whole ton of
different parts.

the parts keep changing all the time.
that's PART of the story.
it's not taking away from the story.
it's adding to it.

once again, i watch and think it's all about
flow, change, flexibility.

whew.
all things i'm a bit sluggish on.

i watch my friend and see that being able to
see the changes and go with them is vital
to the quality of life.

so i turn to me and say 'okay, girl....
you gonna learn from this or what?!'

yeah, yeah, yeah.

i will try.

i just wish some of this stuff came really
naturally to me!!

new claims

what a day! wow, was it busy.
i just melted it all away in the shower.
and as i was standing there melting,
i thought of a call i got from a new shop owner.
she was so enthusiastic about bone sighs and
said all kindsa really neat things.

i stood there thinking about that.

and then thinking about how i felt yesterday.

i was among REAL artists and REAL writers and
REAL musicians.

and i didn't feel like a real writer or a real
artist.

okay.
now before everyone rolls their eyes or rushes
to tell me i am one....hang on....

cause i actually think this goes to a good spot.

as i'm melting in the shower, i thought about this...

okay, ter....what would you claim then?
if you seriously wouldn't claim those things...what
WOULD you claim???

two things came to mind:
emoter and searcher.

oh yeah.
i'd claim both of those.

i not only can emote and search with the best of them,
i know i HAVE to. i have to to be alive.
it's part of me.
THAT i would claim.

i pictured standing in a room with artists.
nope.
i'd know they were artists and i wasn't.

same with writers. could picture the whole thing.
nope. i couldn't do it.

but put me in a room with searchers. and yeah,
i'd say i was one of them.
put me in a room with emoters, yep. no problem.

it was easy.
i could claim it without hesitation.

and i thought of all the people who come thru who do
art or write or sing and tell me they don't feel like
artists or writers or singers....

and i nod and tell them we'll get it. we just gotta play
the game, say the words, and it'll sink in.

but maybe that's wrong.
maybe that's a mistake.

maybe we should look under that, or deeper than that.

what is it that makes you write or paint or sing or whatever
it is you do? can you claim whatever that is???

before i figured out what i could claim, i felt that it
was important i claim something.
i had this feeling that the claiming has a lot to do
with what you can achieve with it.

and then when i figured out emoter and searcher....
well.....i don't know. maybe it's not important to know.

but then again...maybe it is.

i still feel like it very well might be.

and i'm kinda excited about this.

i didn't realize what a drag it was tryin' to claim
something that i didn't feel.

until i claimed something that i did feel.

it feels way good.

way good.

gonna go curl in with these new claims of mine.....

i fail

okay. you gotta remember i live with guys.
and guys are just different.
they just are.

zakk's word for the last few weeks has been
'fail.'

'that fails.'
'you fail.'
'it, he and she fail.'

everywhere you turn around.

did you like dinner?
'it failed.'

and you just want to hit him.
but i also know that this will pass.
and so i grin and tease him back.
so we've been tellin' zakk he fails.

this morning i was eating breakfast with
yo and zakk.

i got my period this morning (which could
explain the body not working with me during
exercises today! see post below)
and so i announced it at breakfast.

i ALWAYS announce it to them so that they
can be a bit gentle with me.
otherwise they tend to throw me around and
toss me to the ground and things like that.

so i usually say something like:
'i just got my period. everyone has to be
kind and gentle to me now.'
i pronounce it like a queen with full
expectations that this will be carried out.
and it usually is.

they're used to it.
they've grown up with it.

so i announce it.
and then......the coolest thing happens.

yo knows that for the longest time i was in
sync with the full moon. just recently got out
of that cycle.

so the first thing he does is ask
"when's the full moon?"

how cool is that? he goes right there.

and i laughed and said.....ohhhhhhh i'm way off.
not on target anymore.

and what does he say??

'oh mom, you fail.'

and i burst out laughing.

living with these guys is just such a treat.

worth it

so he posted a poem.
and knowing him, reading the poem......
it was an incredible poem.

so good i wasn't sure he wrote it.

and i wasn't sure i should comment.
so i didn't.

and then there was a nudge.
he said we should comment.

so i went back and looked at it again.
and reread it.

and thought about people.

we are the most amazing creatures.

we can seem like the biggest blockheads on the
planet, we can act like we don't care, we can
be so difficult to touch or to reach...
and then......magnificence can pour out of us.
and it can be so deep and so real and so raw
it can just rip someone else's heart.
and then we can go back into our turtle shells.

and THAT reminds me yet again.....
that we can't stop reachin' and tryin' to touch
each other.

cause magnificence is inside each other.
and sometimes we need someone else to try really
hard to find it in us.

i so have to remember that.
i so have to keep trying when i feel like it's
just not worth it.

because it is.

mind, body and spirit

my spirit was rarin' to go this morning.
my mind had vowed to exercise and just really
dig on in.

my body followed....but not quite with the
vigor my spirit and mind and planned on.

by the time i started on my walk, i could
tell it just wasn't gonna be quite as spunky
as i had hoped.

i could feel my back leanin' in further than
normal and my spirit runnin' ahead a few yards
and turnin' and pullin' my body along....

it just wasn't quite melding all together.

i got to thinking about that.
it felt like my spirit and body just weren't
workin' together.

okay.
okay.
let's see if i can change that.

and so i started concentrating on that.
just kinda bringing my spunky spirit back
a bit and inhabiting my slower body and giving
it some energy.

i concentrated on this and watched my movements
get smoother and easier.

ohhhhhh this is kinda cool.

i kept it up and seemed to get in some nifty
groove. and then.....
i had this nasty thought.
bam.
i caught it.
that sucked, terri. what'd you do that for?

and then i got to thinking......
mind. body. spirit.
i want all three working together.

oh yeah, i laughed.
that's about totally impossible.

but what if i concentrated on that?
what if i did a check in.
how's the mind?
good?
okay? spirit?
not so good?
okay, let's concentrate there a bit.
okay, body?
needs water.
okay. got it.

grin.

and a new idea was born.

check ins.
i can do the check in with the three.
see what's outta whack.

yeah, well, great.
one of the three ALWAYS seems to be out
of whack.

well, that's okay.
maybe the triple check in can help that.
maybe it can work like the walk did.

when i'm leanin' in, tryin' too hard and
just not makin' it, one of the stronger
parts can move in and kinda get in a groove
with the weaker part.

ohhhhhhhh this could be so darn cool.
or not.
grin.

certainly worth a try.

i just wrote myself a note. put it on my desk.
remind myself to check in.
gonna see where this takes me......

cherishing the women in my life

one friend was reading parts of her book today.
another friend was singing two poems that the
first friend wrote.

i got to go.

i sat in awe of these women.

and it sunk in how really incredible the women
are in my life.

and then! when you combine the friends together
as was done with the music and the poetry mixed...
it was too much for me.

the tears poured down my face.

good tears.
way good tears.

the only frustration was i had no way of telling
them how deeply they touch me.

women are just the most incredible treasures.

knockin' me outta my chair...

here's a few goodies from ten minutes of
reading yesterday. somehow something was helping
me out a lot yesterday.......

these are all from 'my grandfather's blessing'
(mentioned below and all over the blog!)

'they had become experts at surviving.
surviving was a question of tenacity, of putting
safety above all other considerations.
living, on the other hand, was a matter of
passion and risk. of finding something important
and serving it. of doing whatever was needed
in order to live out loud.'

i read that and gasped.
it was until hours later that i realized i had
traded off some living for surviving....
and hadn't even realized it.

i corrected that.

and then....there was another part of the book
i was gonna include. but it's pretty long.
you need to get this book!!

she talks of oysters making pearls.
the whole section is really cool. here's a
little snippet tho that sums it up...

'sand is a way of life for an oyster.
if you are soft and tender and must live on
the sandy floor of the ocean, making pearls
becomes a necessity if you are to live well.'

'something in us can transform such suffering
into wisdom. the process of turning pain
into wisdom often looks like a sorting process.
first we experience everything. then one by one
we let things go, the anger, the blame, the
sense of injustice, and finally even the pain
itself, until all we have left is a deeper
sense of the value of life and a greater
capacity to live it.'

i pray with all my heart i will have a life
of doing this.....

yeah...yeah....i did it!

smilin' shyly right now.
ya know......it woulda been really hard to come
here and say i blew it.
but i woulda.
cause i want to follow a journey here and
share it.

but......
i didn't blow it.

grinnin' like a kid right now.

i didn't blow it at all!!!!!!!!!!!!
(see post below)

but my gosh, did i have HELP from the universe!

first of all........i grabbed a book as i had
ten minutes in between things.
and the book just kept sayin' everything i needed
to hear.
i'll put some of the stuff up later.

i just kept gasping and thinking 'how is this
happening?! it's so dead on talking to me~!"

and then.......there were two things that got set
up to use as tools in my struggle that were just
handed to me. and they so helped.

anyway.
the points.

i honestly don't have a clue about 'the universe'
and all that stuff. i like to throw out there that
it heard me and helped me......but that's just light
hearted and covers my confusion of it all.

i do think that what happened was i was trying really
hard to open my heart and in that opening, things
could move in.

and that would be the talk of the universe helping me.
so however that works........i do think there's something
goin' on.

and it did.

i moved to gratitude like i said i wanted to.
i found it hard and requiring a ton of effort.

i concentrated on the far away goal instead of the short
term goal.

and i allowed myself to do it at a decent pace that
was real to me.
'don't push me' was in my head.
well....push......but only so much.
allow my own pace.

and i did.

i think that mattered a ton.

when the day was over, he looked at me and said he thought
it was amazing that i did what i did today.

and then he went on to something else.

back up, i said.
i want to go back to the amazing part.
grin.

cause he saw what i did.
i had a witness.
i did it.

and i wanted to kinda gasp about it with him.

but here's the bottom line.....
i handled something that's been making me insane.
yeah, great.
but i didn't solve it.
i don't have an answer for it.
sooooooo as far as fixing something or making it
all okay........i didn't.

and i'm sure i'll care a lot about that later on.

but the big goal....
of bein' who i want to be and moving towards opening
my heart and grabbing life.....

that goal was met.
and that was the harder one for me.

here's one of the quotes from the book i was reading:

we avoid suffering only at the great cost of distancing
ourselves from life. in order to live fully we may need
to look deeply and respectfully at our own suffering and
at the the suffering of others. in the depths of every
wound we have survived is the strength we need to live.
the wisdom our wounds can offer us is a place of refuge.
finding this is not for the faint of heart. but then,
neither is life.'
(my grandfather's blessings, rachel naomi remen)


woe.
i wasn't faint of heart.
and i did it.
okay, maybe just this once.
but i did it.
and i'm smilin' today.

the struggle

as straight and honest as i can put it....

i've got a situation goin' on that's gettin'
the best of me.
i keep tryin, and i think i've got a handle
on it. and then i lose my grip.
moments of feelin' insane have come up.
just feelin' like i can't handle this one.

there's a lot of turmoil.

so.
okay.

i know this for a fact......

if i focus on the gratitude and see the good,
i can change this around.

i know that.
i believe that.

inside tho, is this powerful force that's
angry, and frustrated, and tired, and grouchy.

gratitude doesn't look that appealing.

this is strong. it's big to me.
and it's important to me.

my insides want to head to the negative full
steam.

i am standing at an important place.

not even so much because of the outcome of
the 'situation'....but because of the choice
i make inside. for my life goal.

i know what i gotta do.
and at this point don't want to.
i just don't want to.

that's why i thought it'd be cool to put it up
here.

i'm gonna spend the next few hours trying to
get to a spot where i can go to the gratitude.

because i KNOW that's the direction i REALLY
want to go.

i just know the other direction is way easier.

i post this because, for me, anyway,
this happens at important times in my life.
and my choices matter.
and i find these some of the hardest choices
i ever make.

i think moments like this are really important.

the phrase 'follow your heart' comes to mind.
i like that phrase and believe in it.
thing is...
you gotta hear the whole thing.

if i followed what was on the top of my heart,
it'd be a whole different kinda thing than if
i follow what's way way down deep.

you gotta hear the whole thing.

and then you gotta have the courage to do it.

for all those who think i'm courageous.
i'm not.
i don't have the courage right now.
i really don't.

sometimes the stuffing just gets knocked
right outta me.

but i'm gonna try anyway.
because i've come way too far to take the
easy way out now.

thing is....
i get confused on what's right and what's not.

and then it occurs to me.
gratitude is never wrong, is it?
should be a pretty safe place to start.

maps

wanted to share......





"there is no map.
you gotta write your own.
you gotta carve your own.
you gotta sweat,
cry, grieve, laugh,
and love your own.
and when you're all done,
that's all that will have mattered."

great line....

read this line and laughed out loud!


'here's one of the greatest truths in life:
if you don't place a value on yourself, somebody
else will.'


so true!
so do it!
place a value on yourself!!!

family bonds

timing can be sooo cool.

i've kinda been thinking since i mentioned my
cosmic brother about the family i built for
myself.

this morning i was thinking the only piece of
the family i haven't gotten is a father figure.
and i think that's cause men are too tough.
specially older men. i can't seem to get them
to understand i'm not tryin' to start THAT
kinda relationship with them. grin.
jeesh.

so, i think that piece may never get filled.
but i've got a mom figure, a sister figure,
a brother figure, several grandparent figures
for the kids. i thought of that as i walked
back home from my elderly neighbor's this
morning. the kids have more grandparents than
most people do!! i have people who feel like
family that i've never even met in person. it's
just the coolest thing...

and then i got this quote in from a friend for
the love chain we're doin':

"The bond that links your true family is not
one of blood, but of respect and joy in each
other's life. Rarely do members of one family
grow up under the same roof."

(that's from richard bach who if you haven't read,
you may want to.)

oh, did i like that.
RESPECT AND JOY IN EACH OTHER'S LIFE.

wow, that's something to think about, i think.

wanted to throw that out there for anyone else
who's had to rebuild.

it ain't all bad, is it?!!!

the things that make me smile

wow it's beautiful out.
i just soaked it in as i walked.

filled with gratitude and concentrated
on the good.

there's a whole lot i don't understand
or can't figure out.

and i really don't care today.
it'll all work itself out.

she was out in her jammies.

i didn't see her.

she hollered.
i backed up.

gave her a big 'good mornin' woman!'
and opened my arms wide to hug her.

she chuckled and hugged back.

and then she started ranting and raving
about the boys.

so i joined in.
i love to do that.

they've been helpin' her a bit.
and she's so tickled.

somtimes it rattles me a bit when i think
about how much she counts on us. i'm worried
about the day it'll really count. and hope
i'll be there knowing what to do.

but this morning as i wandered back towards
my house, i just concentrated on how nice
it was to have her two doors down.

and i smiled.

i get to have lunch with the boys today,
and i'm gonna grab some time to hang with josh
at some point.

those are the things i want to concentrate on
today.

the things that make me smile.

listening

we don't stay the same, do we?
there's changes all the time.

i had to walk thru something today.
and i knew it.
and i didn't know how to.

so i let it lead me.

that's a fairly new thing for me.

okay.
maybe it's a brand new thing.

i hunkered down and stayed to myself.
let my introvert side take over.

and i listened.

seriously.
i really did listen.

i didn't think it to death.
i didn't push it or pull it or
try to fix it.

it exhausted me.

cause i had to let go and just follow.

but i did.

and i got really really tired.

and i can see how my strength is comin'
back in as i go along here.

i listened, i heard, and i nodded in
agreement.

i followed.

i honest to pete followed something inside
me that knew.

huh.
go figure.

i never quite did it like this today.

i'm thinking that i might want to do this
again.

if i really truly believe that all the answers
are way deep down inside me...
why the heck don't i do this on a regular
basis?!!

i'm gonna sleep good tonite.....
who knew listening could take such work....

oh.

maybe it wasn't the listening.

maybe it was the accepting.

oh yeah.

i bet that was what tired me out.

grin.

thanking camille, thanking everyone...

well........this certainly seems to be
a day of tears for me.
i just got a note from camille, telling me she
passed along my note about the love chain everywhere
she could!

she included it in two different articles.
i'll link it here, altho you've more than likely
already read my note. but you can check out these
sites and poke around a bit.

searchwarp and holistic health articles.

camille......thank you.

and for everyone who is passing my note around......
thank you. i cannot wait to put this together for her!

almighty heidi

my face is wet with tears.
my heart is full of gratitude.
the people i have met along the way are
truly amazing.
and this one particular lady...
well.......i really do think she's got
the right name...almighty heidi.

she posted a blog in response to my love
chain post. (melissa's brainstorm post)
she posted it in honor of janene.

please, take a minute and go over and
read heidi's blog.

her realness kinda just plowed right on
thru me.......

heidi....bowing down and thanking you.

maskless

it never occurs to me to put my new stuff up here.
but today it did as i have my buddy on my mind.
i wrote this for her and just made it into a card.

think i'll start putting new stuff up here just
to share! i've got a print i'll prolly put up in
just a bit.

but for now......with my buddy so heavy on my mind...

i thought i'd put up our latest greeting card. it's
called 'maskless' and i wrote it for my buddy, fre.

what does she mean?

i just clicked off the blog, and realized that
someone's gonna say 'but terri, you love all the time.'
(see post below)

and i thought i'd address that because to me, it's
so important.

yeah.
yeah.
i do.
i really do.
and i'm good at it.

but that's the easy love.

that's the love that comes naturally, flows easily,
fits in with my dance steps and moves with me.
easy peasy.

i'm talkin' about the love that doesn't do that.
the love that's challenging.
the love that means if you can pull it off, you're
really pullin' it off.
that love!

the stuff that requires you to see people for who they
are and accept all of that. even when parts of it
hurt.
the part that requires you to look at that hurt and
know it has nothing to do with them.
the part that requires you to look at yourself and
to understand your reactions, and get beyond them,
step around them, and give love back even when it feels
funky.
the part about giving love back to get nothing in
return. to just give it.
to honestly honestly just give it.
the part that requires bone deep acceptance.
the part that requires faith and a knowing and a belief
that it's all okay just as it is.
the part that requires trust beyond any trust you've ever
given. the part that requires giving beyond any giving
you've ever known.
the love that demands you to be all of who you are.

THAT stuff.
THAT stuff is where i'm just learning.
that's where i'm in kindergarten.

a quote from my cosmic brother

we knew each other in high school.
parted ways. and then years later, he
visited with a mutual friend. a bit after
that visit, he started rethinking life and needed
a friend to bounce ideas and thoughts off of.

email was quite handy.
and that's when we finally began to know each other.

it's been maybe 15 years now that we've been back
in each other's lives. he's like a brother to me.
we've seen each other thru some rough times, and
we've saved each other more than once from drowning
in life's craze.

the emails are less frequent now. but still a major
part of our friendship. especially their freakish
nature. they show up at the right times, say things
that hit so close that you wonder how it could happen
and keep us mystified as how it could keep happening
like that over and over.

this morning he sent me a note for my chain of love.
(see post a few down).
he included a quote......from mother teresa.....

'i have found the paradox, that if you love until it
hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.'

tears sprang to my eyes the second i read it.

i had NO idea how to love. i feel like i'm in kindergarten.
i keep tryin'. i keep messin' up.
and i keep gettin' cosmic messages to keep on goin'...

how perfect to get this one from my cosmic brother.

it's up to me

i actually had to push myself out on
my walk this morning. that's highly unusual,
and not a good sign.

i looked down at the road and felt pretty
bad about some things. i looked up at
the trees and the sky and felt totally
in awe of the beauty.

how can you feel bad when it's this pretty
out??

i'd look down at the street and feel the
wave of sadness.....look up and feel the
wave of awe.

ter, keep lookin' up. keep your eyes to the
sky.

and as i walked i thought of the love inside
me. i don't want it pushed outta me or
stamped outta me, or anything outta me.

i WANT that love inside of me. that ability
to give love and believe in love and live love.

but sometimes i feel like it gets knocked right
on out.

and then i remembered that river inside me.
i had been touching it daily. but the last few
days, i hadn't touched it at all. it had been so
easy to feel and reach before.

this morning it took some effort.
but i found it.

and i touched it.

and i had that knowing it gives me.
i could feel it.

it's entirely up to me what i do inside myself.
no one else has the power to knock stuff outta
me because i have the power to keep it in me.

this river reminds me that it's way more than
just a nice thought. it's true.
i have the strength to live love.

if you want it bad enough, ter, you'll do it.

my face got all determined.
i felt it.

i thought of two different things said to me
yesterday.
both showing surprise that i had made it as far
as i had with something in my life.
both saying they didn't really think i'd pull it
off.

i thought of that.
and my face got even more determined.

they have no idea.
that was just the beginning.

because it's up to me.

and for the first time i think i really felt like
a woman on her own.
i've been on my own for years now.
but it's all finally gelling enough now that
i can see that if i'm really gonna do what i want
to do....
then it's up to me.

and i can see that i'm capable of doing it.....

if i want it bad enough.

and i do.

melissa's brainstorm......

i want to spread this everywhere i can!
what a great, great idea!

i got this note today from an incredible young woman.
i LOVE the idea!!! i'm gonna clip her note as she explains it perfectly!
THEN if you guys want to play....how about you email any notes my way?
and pass my email addy to your friends who would play. then i'll copy them
and make a chain for janene!!! janene is going thru
chemo right now for TWO rare forms of ovarian cancer. she could really
use this!!!

ready??
..............
was thinking about your friend yesterday..... and I had a thought.... when my best friend's mother was going through her chemo/radiation treatments, one of her friends started creating "links of love" for her. She had a whole bunch of her friends take these strips of paper and write messages on them- prayers, quotes, thinking of you's, little funnies, etc. And then her friends had their friends write them. And then their friends had their friends do it... and so on and so on. Then she took the papers and formed them into a chain-- like the ones kids make at Christmas time. Then everytime someone sent a new link, they just added it to the chain, to the point where it eventually got so long it circled the room twice. She said it really lifted her mom's spirits that so many people were thinking of her, even people she'd never even met.

Getting to my point. I don't know if something like that would help your friend or not. Or if it would even be something she'd be comfortable with. Our prayer group here at work has made links for a few other people over the years, and I know they would do it for your friend in a heartbeat. And judging from all the comments your friends left on your facebook status yesterday, I'm sure there'd be a whole lot of links flowing in from all kinds of places.
............
use the following email if you're interested!!! terri (at) bonesigharts.com
spread the word!!!!!! just think of the chain we could make!!!!!!!!
thanks melissa for this awesome idea!!!

terri

a conversation....

first walk all week....
and i felt like a little kid on it!
i've missed them so!!

millions of thoughts runnin' thru my head.
think maybe i'm processin' a ton from yesterday.

one kept looping thru....
she got to talkin' about something that happened
in my life. i didn't bring it up. she did.
as it still bothers her.
she said it still makes her mad and it "should"
be a different story.

i was driving.
i looked over at her.
smiled gently at her.

'you can take all the shoulds in the world and
not change a thing. it is what it is.'

she said she wanted to 'fix it.'

there's nothing to fix, i told her.
it's all okay.
the most amazing thing was....i meant it.

told her i rebuilt my life.
and it was a good one.
she nodded and said it really did seem good.
yeah, i said.
i'm happy.
there's nothing to fix.

told her she was gonna drive herself crazy if she
didn't let go of the fixing thing.

she was concerned as my helping her was
bringing me back into all that i had chosen to
leave.

no, i told her.
i gave it a lot of thought.
and it was all about her.
i wanted to be with her. and be there for her.
it wasn't about anyone else.

she said that it was all too close, that i'd
get tangled.

i told her it was up to me to keep it separate.
and that she was worth it to me. and i would
do that.

and then she told me she felt guilty about that.
that she hadn't been able to be there for me
how she wanted to. she just didn't know how to.
and she didn't feel 'worthy'....

that made a huge impression on me.
i never want to hear anyone say they don't
feel worthy. ever. and never related to something
with me.

and that's when i told her....
you were between a rock and a hard place.
you got caught in the cross fire.
there was nothing you can do.
no guilt.
none.

it's over.
and i choose to be with you right now.
it's not about anything else.
it's about you and i.
and no one else.

part of that sunk in, i think.
and part of it didn't.
that will be up to her to really see.
i can only offer my love.
it will be up to her to see she deserves
love everywhere in her life.

as i drove home later that evening,
i heard a line in a song that hit home....

'my love still lives and breathes'.....

it does.
it didn't get smashed outta me...
it's up to us whether we're gonna keep that
love inside us......

and as the wind blew my hair as i drove down
the highway, i smiled.

i was headin' home.
and my love still lives and breathes........

twice kissed

i was just showerin'....finishin' for the nite...
and i got to thinking about it...

years and years ago i wrote a bone sigh called
'her kiss.'
i even talked about it here awhile ago.

i think it goes something like this:
'you have taught me the strength of tenderness.'

i was in a room full of people who claimed
they loved me....and none of them were showing
me any kindness. all i was feeling were walls
and thorns....

i was lost.
it felt horrible.
i wasn't sure how to get thru it.

when she walked up to me and tenderly kissed me on
the cheek.

the only reaching out of kindness that whole nite.
i remember the profound depth of feeling that that
kiss brought up.

that very woman is who i'm taking to chemo with me.

that very woman was sitting there getting her chemo
dripped into her right next to me when my sock buddy
gave me her kiss on my cheek. (see post below)
same cheek as a matter of fact.

it was equally as tender.

i have only experienced that feeling that one other
time.

twice in my whole life.

and there they both were. both women. right there
on each side of me.

that thought struck me just now.
it seems so odd.
how'd that happen?

i wish i knew how to return that feeling....
and i'm honestly at a loss....

i'm not worryin' about it right now.
i'm honoring it.

sometimes you get a golden nugget in your life.
when you get that nugget twice....
you're way beyond blessed.

bowing down with gratitude.....

her kiss

when she got up to leave, i stood up.
would it be okay if i hugged you? i asked her.

absolutely was the reply.

and as i leaned in to hug her, she kissed my cheek.

that was five hours ago.

i can still feel her kiss.

two strangers. she doesn't even know my name.

and yet, i can still feel her kiss........

the same boat

i have no idea how she pulls it off...but she
manages to look beautiful even when she's so sick.

we had chatted and talked and dreamed a little
together. we had snacked and had lunch and several
cups of tea....she was now leaning back with the
blanket up to her chin and getting ready to doze a
little.

when it was time to say goodbye to the sock lady.

the sock lady had had a bad reaction today. at one
point, she looked really bad. she was better by
this time and was able to stand next to us and talk
for a few minutes on her way out.

my sock bud looked down on my sleepy bud and they
chatted. my sleepy bud looked up at her and said
'we're in the same boat.'
i looked at my sleepy bud.
with the blanket pulled up to her chin, she looked
so childlike. so precious.

i looked at my sock bud who had such a rough day.

and my eyes filled with tears.....

a few splashed out.
and they were okay with that.

two precious women...in the same boat....
and all i can do is watch....

red veins and silver threads...

the sock ladies had left.
a gentleman of russian descent sat down.
it wasn't just a cancer place.
it's a blood place too.

he was drainin' out some of his excess blood
or something. i'm so medical.
i have no idea.

i had gone to the bathroom and as i came
back to sit down i smiled at him and looked
across the way there at the bag next to him.
it was filling with his blood.

it had just started, so it was really wild
looking. blood splattered all over it. (on the
inside)

i had never seen anything like it before....

hmmmmmm.....i wondered........am i gonna do
okay with this??
TER?! *HE'S* the one giving it. you'll be okay.

so i sat and watched.
the nurses were trying hard. turns out that he
had some tricky veins. he said they were fabulous
at finding them. best he's known. that they had
actually drawn a map of them and put that in his
folder to help anyone who needed to poke him.

my eyes widened.
no kidding?!!

no kidding.

the one nurse stayed for the whole time.
pumping that thing, making the hoses work, tellin'
him how excited she was as that was the most blood
she'd ever gotten out of him.

and the bag kept filling.

we were all chatting and talking and distracting
him from it all. there was lotsa good natured teasing
and nice chatter.

and the bag kept filling.

i watched.
participated a little bit.
but for me, i was quiet.

i was more interested in watching.

he was an amazing man.
so good natured. so kind and gentle.
and filled with gratitude for the nurses.

i watched him...i watched the bag....
i watched the nurse rubbing those tubes
and making it all work....

and the bag finally filled up.

i joked about it popping...
and the nurse did a happy dance that she
had got it full.

the man smiled and told us he was going to
bake them cookies for his next visit....

and i marveled at the human spirit.......
and the silver threads shone steadily on.......

sox

she was asleep when we got there.
her friend sitting beside her.
we quietly smiled and waved hello
as we took our places.

i glanced over at her a couple of times,
the lady with the funky sox that stole my heart
last time.

i could see her funky sox sticking out
from under her blanket. she had worn them
again! i smiled.

she slept a bit. and then she started
stirring.

i waited with the patience of a four year
old. give her time, ter.
let her wake up.
of course, of course.
on the outside i was mature.
on the inside i was hopping up and down
'I WANT TO GIVE THEM TO HER NOW!'

after what seemed like a mature enough time
to wait, i quietly reached in my bag and took
out a present i had wrapped for her.

i leaned over the space between us and put it
next to her.

then i handed her friend a box of tea.
didn't want her to think i forgot about her!

but the real present was for my sock buddy.
it was another pair of the funky sox....only
a different color. i had seen them around on the
net. knew where to get them. ordered her a pair.

she slowly began to unwrap it.

as she opened them, i quietly sent her a message thru
the silver thread that connected us....
get well. be healthy, wear these this winter and feel
good again....

when she parted the tissue paper and saw the
blue mismatched funky socks, her whole face lit up.
and it touched something inside her. i saw it.

every cell in my body reacted to that.
i smiled shyly and joked a little.

then i went back to my book. give her a little space.

but she got it.
she seemed to know what i wanted to say.

and her reaction was one of the best gifts i ever got.

every minute counted

wow.
some days are jammed pack full, aren't they?
it did turn into that twelve hour day....
and i wouldn't have traded a minute of it.

it was way harder than last time. people seemed
sicker this time. several times i looked around
that room and wondered what the energy there
would look like if i could see it.

there was so much heavy there....but what just
about blinded me was the caring that everyone
was showing everyone else.

the unspoken compassion. and the spoken compassion.
the touching of hands....and holding on just that
extra moment that you don't normally hold on for.

the eye contact that seemed to go deeper than
usual.

i thought of the threads between everyone....
and thought how much brighter they were shining
in that dark energy....

i was overwhelmed, saddened, and honored to be there.

i tried to keep that space open without intruding.
several times i gave a lot of thought to the balance
of that and asked the universe to just let the doors
open that needed to open when the time was right.

and somehow........they did.

little invisible threads....

beat already. two bad nite's sleep in a row.
hmmmmmm.....should make for an interesting day.

taking her to chemo again today.
with a stop today it's at least a ten hour outting...
but prolly more like twelve.

and yet, i keep thinking, yeah but a good nite's
sleep tonite will cure me.

and i hold what a gift that is. may i never take
my good health for granted.

tired can make me mellow. and mellow might just
be real good today. give her a little more space
to talk real if she needs to.

i sure would need to.

that's my goal today....to hold a space for her
and anyone there who might need one.

i'm thinking i actually want to keep that in the
front of my mind. think it when i look at people.
let them know thru that little invisible thread
that connects us all......

i wanna see if that works.......
if it does, maybe i oughta use that little invisible
thread more often!

memories and seeing

so i'm driving home.
and something he said makes me think of
something else which directly pops a memory into
my head.

my gosh.
i think i must be getting stronger as memories seem
to be coming back to me a lot these days. real strong
and clear.

my family was all gathered at the hospital.
i had missed all the doctor reports and such and
was getting muddled reports from my family.

my mom and brother went off to take a break and get
something to eat. i sat in the room alone with my
dad. a nurse came in. i asked her what exactly was
happening. she was kind enough to tell me. to really
explain it. i remember she had to be careful how she
did it. i had to ask certain questions in certain ways
to get certain answers. but she worked with me. and
i so appreciated her compassion.

my dad was gonna die.

and my family didn't realize it.

i was all alone in this room with my dad and she
explained it to me. i remember trying to 'handle
it' in front of her. i thanked her. and she let
me be.

i sat in this chair....looking at my dad......
and just trying to take it all in. tears of
course.

later, i went out to my family.
i put my arm around my mom. she's a tiny woman.
there's nothing to her.
i remember thinking that when i held her.

her and i had not been close for awhile.
i hadn't held her in years.
i noticed how tiny she was.

and i explained to my family that dad was gonna
die.

they didn't know.

i remembered this clearly.

and it dawned on me.

i handled it.
i got thru that all on my own.

i wasn't close to my family.
there wasn't anyone there i felt was
a shoulder for me. so i was my own shoulder.
and i was theirs. i held them as they sobbed.

and i don't know...just maybe today thinking
about handling things and doin' things on my own....
maybe that's why the memory came thru.

i don't know.

but in a really sad way, it's a good memory.
because i see that i can do what i gotta do.

of course you can, ter.
everyone can.
everyone does what they have to.

do we really know that tho?
i think sometimes i don't.

sometimes i get scared i can't handle something
and that's the fear that does me in.

and it's an unfounded fear.
and i would bet that's true for most people.

we do what we have to.
and if you look back at those moments in your
life, maybe you'll see it too.

maybe you already do.
but i'm just now starting to see it.
more and more.

and i'm likin' it.

from growling to celebrating....

it's so wonderful to have people in your life
that you can just spill your guts out to no
matter what the mood is.

of course, i prolly woulda spilled my guts
out to anyone at that point!

i met him at the coffee shop. we were meetin'
up to wish his son a happy birthday...

he was there first. had a cup of tea waiting
for me. asked me how my day was.

he knew he was in trouble when i kinda growled.

and i said FIRST OF ALL THERE WAS THIS....
and then the list went flying off my tongue....
then this.
then this.
then this.
AND THEN THIS.
AND THEN THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS.

and it felt so good to growl it out and watch
his grin.

'you're a little feisty today, huh?'
was his cautious remark.

i wasn't sure i was gonna pull off the happy
birthday face.

but when his son came walkin' in with that stupid
grin on his face, i let it go.

we talked and talked and talked.

to an outsider it woulda been an incredibly
frustrating conversation.
to me, it was an incredibly frustrating conversation.
but it was also pretty amazing.

we have traveled quite a road.
seen a lotta struggle thru and are still talkin'
to each other.

and he actually seemed glad to be there.

he told me twice i wasn't normal.
and i think he meant that in a good way.
i'm gonna take it that way anyway....

quite honestly, he has been one of the biggest
challenges of my life.

he has been one of my biggest lessons in stepping
back and letting go.

he has been one of my biggest teachers in love.

and he's exhausted me in the process!
today tho, it all seemed worthwhile.

i sure don't understand this life stuff...
but it sure does make me grow.....
and my wish for him today, on his birthday,
that he too will take it and grow.

happy nineteenth, buster brown....

inner children

so i posted a question up on facebook.
who felt like they had an inner child?
gettin' lotsa responses from people who
feel they do.

i think that's just the most interesting
thing.

and what i'm wondering is why we don't
all let them out at once and play?!

i bet if i met a lotta these people i wouldn't
see the child. and they wouldn't see mine....

it's the protecting thing and the mask thing
and all that.....

what a darn shame.
it could be so much fun if we just stopped
all that......

but i guess that's the whole thing....we've
hidden them away.

and then even when they come out, do we see
them in other people??
it took me a long time to recognize bob's.

it's so different than mine. and definitely
a little boy i woulda worried about as a
little girl! the dip your pony tail in the ink
kinda kid.

this stuff fascinates the daylights outta me.
there is so much to us.
will we ever really know all the parts?
let alone heal them all, integrate them all,
love them all, embrace them all, express them
all????

i doubt it......
but it sure is cool to try......

steppin' up to the plate

so i'm gettin' just a little riled up.

i did some guy a favor.
and he's taken advantage of me.
at first i was all uncomfortable about it.
he's pretty much a stranger and i've
been tryin' to be careful with him.

phlllllppppphhhhhhhhh (insert rasberry
sound here)

forget that. i've been tryin' to be careful
because of my own safety and it's turned
stupid. and i've had enough.

i can handle him. and i will handle him.
and i totally resent his preying on my
good nature.

and then last nite i got some creepy call
at four in the morning. it unnerved me
and made me miss any good sleep afterwards.

infact, it made me miss my walk as i ended
up headin' back into bed instead of walkin'.

phhhhhhlppppppppphhhhhhh (yet another raspberry
sound)

i'm just a little tired of these two instances
of weird male energy.

i'm not into weird male energy.

and what i used to do was COWER.
cower!
well.....i used to be a different person too.

PPHHHLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHH(an even
louder raspberry noise)

twice yesterday i thought 'i need a husband.'
once in the middle of overwhelming chores
and then right after the creepy call.

i can't even insert a raspberry noise loud
enough at this point!

forget that.
what i need is to just deal with it all.

enough already.

and watchin' myself this morning feels really
good. it's not a husband i need.
it's belief in myself and the ability to do
what i gotta do.

and i have both!
ohmygosh! how cool is that?!

now, i want a life without weird male energy.
so i'm gonna make that happen.

feelin' kinda good about this....

the return of gusto

it's house project/chores day around here.
as soon as i finish payin' my bills and doin'
paperwork. and i'm watchin' my mood and shakin'
my head.

i really can't wait to dig into it all.

huh?!

there's so much i want to get in order.
so much to clean up, clean out, and take care of.

the mood is so eager that it dawned on me.

it has nothing to do with the house.
and everything to do with my insides.

i am so ready to dig into the spring cleaning.
inside and outside of me.

and i realized.....i haven't felt like this
in years.

wow.

it is SO about time.
and i SO am grateful that this feelin' is
here.

off to tear into it all with gusto!

gusto.
gusto.

what an awesome word!!!
and i've got it!

i've got gusto today.

ha!

triple woe

i have this thing in me that could use a little
tweakin'....
i have trouble seein' that i matter to people.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
i know.
old story.
i've been workin on it for years.

way way long time ago my then husband even tried
to tell me that i needed to see that stuff a little
more.

so it's an old old story.
and i'm tryin' to move on to new ones....
a lotta times i can.
sometimes i revert.

i saw something recently.
there was only one thing that could really explain
it...someone who i just don't figure i matter that
much to was reachin' out.

i saw it. cause,well, it was in neon.
but i dismissed it.
cause, well, i'm still living old stories at times.

and i think also because i've been hurt with this person
in actually believing i did matter, and then feeling
like i was a jerk for thinking that.

so there's been some yankin' around.
it's not all my dysfunctions.
mine dance with his.

but this morning as i think of it, something's changed
inside me.

i'm now doin' daily dunks in my inner river.

i can now go there and touch that and feel a little
steadier about things.
feel a little bit more at ease in allowing things to
be whatever they are.

nah, i haven't got that down like a habit or anything.
but i can touch in on it more than i could before.

and i actually think of doing it!

like with this.
i saw the neon sign.
turned my head and told myself it really wasn't
there.
then kinda tilted one eye over and said 'well, yeah,
maybe it is....but i don't want to get all trapped
and jerked around.'

and then i touched in on the river.

no need for traps or jerkin'.

you're strong, bright, aware........you're fine.
it will be whatever it is.

woe.
who said that?!

double woe.
who believed that?!!

triple woe.
*I* DID!!!

i am so diggin' this river.......

totally taken

guess i've mentioned this book twenty thousand
times here...and here i am again.
i have officially decided this book goes on
my top five books of all time that have affected
my life.

and i'm not even half way done yet! i'm so glad
as i want it to last forever!!!

it's the 'awakening at midlife' by kathleen brehony.
anyone goin' thru a midlife thing....you're gonna
wanna grab it!

so i hit this part where she starts talkin' about
the chrysalis and the butterfly.

butterfly woman comes to mind so much as i read this
that it's almost a little unnerving.

here i thought i was just a weirdo....and i'm really
maybe just a textbook case! oh my. that's so funny.

so i'm readin' all this chysalis/butterfly stuff
and just doin' backflips of joy that someone gets
what's goin' on when i hit this poem.

it so touched on some of my own recent writing that
i just stopped there for the nite. i couldn't
read any more.

wanted to share.......
it's a poem she includes in her book by david
whyte:

'in this high place
it is as simple as this,
leave everything you know behind.

step toward the cold surface,
say the old prayer of rough love
and open both arms.

those who have come with empty hands
will stare into the lake astonished,
there, in the cold light
reflecting pure snow

the true shape of your own face.'


wow.
fallin' over backwards here.
landing with a thud on the floor.
and just not ready to get up yet.

wow.

music

wow........

sorrow posted a comment and left this
link. for those of you who didn't see it,
or didn't stop to listen.........
you're gonna want to hear this.

want to touch your inner child this morning?!
my gosh........
it hit my inner child so deep the tears
just came flowin' right on out.
thanks, sorrow! talk about a wow!

i think you can figure out the lyrics, but
in case you can't.....


and finally two people asked me about that adagio cd
i had.....

here's the amazon link

one of my favorite quotes.....

i've prolly posted this a thousand times
already....but i needed it again this morning.
maybe someone else does too.....

from rilke......


'Have patience with everything that remains
unsolved in your heart.
Try to love the questions themselves,
like locked rooms and like books written
in a foreign language.
Do not now look for the answers.
They cannot now be given to you because
you could not live them.
It is a question of experiencing everything.
At present you need to live the question.
Perhaps you will gradually,
without even noticing it,
find yourself experiencing the answer,
some distant day.'

dew drops

i try really hard to get it right.
and as my friends keep tellin' me...
sometimes you just gotta stop tryin'
and just be.

i know. i know. i'm trying.
grin. did i just say that?!!

well, the universe reminded me this morning
with a sweet nudge....

i walked and tried real hard to get okay
with something i want to be okay with.

i'm just not there.
i'm just not.
but i sure have tried hard!

there i was standing at my goodmorningworld spot
thinking it was just outta my grasp,this being
okay with this something i'm struggling with,
but maybe if i could just reach a little further....
just open my fingers and my mind a little bit more..

when i looked down....

and i stopped.

the light was hitting the grass and lighting up
the drops of water that were hanging on the tips
of the grass.
ohhhhhhhh..........it was so beautiful it just
stopped me.

it brought me right back to the flowers i put
together for my dad's funeral. i was in charge
of the flower arrangement. go figure. no one knew
i suck at that. but i did it anyway....

and i got these beautiful dried stalky things that
had a silver drop near the tops of each stalk.

i picked them because they were gentle and elegant,
and the silver drops seemed like tears.
i mixed them in the arrangement. and i saved a few
for me to have here.

i looked at the grass this morning and the beauty
of the light on those beads of water.
thought of the funeral flowers and life and how
short it all is....

and i just put down the struggle.

i can't change how i feel right now. i don't have
any answers. all i can do is be.

and as rilke would say live myself into the answers.
or something like that....

i turned to the birds singing, the sun hitting the
trees.....knowing i'll live myself into whatever i need
to......

holdin' the goodness

i've got a whole cd on with different versions
of this piece i just mentioned (see post below)....

the first time i ever heard this song, i was married.
my parents were over for dinner, and my husband
put it on for my parents to hear.

dinner was done. we were sittin' around the table
talking. and i remember i had to move some dishes
out of the way on the table so i could lay my head
down as i listened. it hit so hard i couldn't
keep my head up!

i'm laughing as i remember!
i just dramatically lay there with my arms
outstretched across the table and said i just wanted
to weep.

oh i'm laughing as i type.

my dad wasn't quite as emotional as i was.
i looked up to see his face.
he had that famous look he saved just for me.
the 'what the heck is wrong with you and
WHERE did you come from?!' look.

it used to surprise me how crazy i'd make him
without even trying!!

my husband ended up buying me this cd with all different
versions of the piece on it......

i remembered the whole thing.
and this sadness crept in............
so much has changed.......
so much was lost....

and then something different happened.

a smile.
and a tear. but a good tear.
not a sad tear.

what wonderful moments.
what a thoughtful gift the cd was.
what an important time in life that i want
to hold with goodness, not sadness.
and now....the music moves me even more
than it ever did back then.

way good stuff.
and i'm holdin' it that way.

music to soothe a savage beast....or a grouchy artist...

oh wowwwwwwwwwww!

i was feelin' a bit off.
i know it's off cause i feel like one of
those people you see behind the desk of
DMV or something where they're just not
happy campers. grouchy, short, and what do
you want now?! that feeling.

that's not normal for me (thank goodness!!)

odd.
don't know where it came from.

thought i'd try music.
decided i'm going to make more of an effort
to use music to help my moods......

i never listen to music when i work, unless
i stop to listen to a song. then i stop and
listen. i can't work thru music.

well, i'm gonna try, i thought.
classical.
decided to go with classical as i thought it
might help not to have lyrics! grin.
i put on some perky wonderful piece that drove
me crazy.

i can't work to that.
it's beautiful...but not NOW!

turned it off.
i just can't work and listen, i decided.

hmmmmmmm.......still feel like a grouchy
government worker. (no offense to you non-
grouchy government workers)....

and then i did it.......
i put on a piece that i knew hits my depths
and is also slow and quiet.

i started workin' to it.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................
wow.
wow.
perfect.
perfect.

(barber's adagio for strings if anyone's interested)
this thing goes right thru me........

and it did it......
it moved something out of the way inside of me.......

it's inspiring me.
i want to work on art. i want to work on living.

i definitely need to do this more often........

what are you listening to today?!

walkin' thoughts

so i took what i thought was a little bit of
a dilemma out on a walk with me.

something i've actually seen i've gotten good
at is gettin' to the root of what's eating at
me. i'm getting quicker and quicker with that.

so this was easy.
ohhhhhh........
but the answers are what i'm not so good at.
they aren't as easy for me.

but then!
a new tool came into play.

i don't know what happened....but in the last
week or two i feel like i can actually tap into
this river inside of me.

at first i thought it was a momentary thing.
but i keep doin it and it keeps bein' there.

and i'm thinking if it stays and i keep practicing,
this could be really helpful.

my new tool! my inner river!

so i went there.
tapped into that.
and knew that whatever it all is, it is.

i have outcomes i'm attached to, ya know?

i'd like to say i didn't.
i'd like to say i'm all about goin' with the flow.
but i'm more about makin' the flow go my way.
and i know...that doesn't work.

the inner river reminds me that whatever happens,
it's okay.

so i walked and thought about my dilemma and could
see that if i don't work with it, i'm definitely
settin' up a certain outcome. an outcome i don't
want.

soooooo several things occur to me:

-there is a flow and we need to go with it.
HOWEVER a lot of that flow follows the grooves
we carve. bein' aware of those grooves is hugely
important. constructing grooves that take things
in a 'bad' direction is easy. it's the constructing
of the 'good' grooves that takes a ton of work.

-there is an inner river in all of us. always.
i'm just finding mine more and more. it's been there
all along, and looking back i can see it. it wasn't
until i actually looked back and saw it that i started
to feel it now.
seeing is key.
touching it often will remind me it's there and will
feel like i'm growing it,
but i think actually will only open my eyes more and
more to how big it's always been.

-practice actually does work. i see progress in stuff
i've been workin' on, and that inspires me to practice
the new stuff.

-new stuff keeps comin' up to practice on as i get
better with other stuff.
it looks like it will never end.
i'll never get 'there.' i'll always be practicin'
something i'm not so good at....
and that's really okay.
actually, it's more than okay....it's awesome.

and finally, i'm lucky enough to have a best friend
who helps me figure out what to do with all this stuff
i stumble into.

i'm not sure we can do it alone.
i really think we need our buds.

gratitude is huge in all of this.
and i get in trouble when i leave that on the shelf.

those are my walking thoughts today.
off to grab some gratitude with my oatmeal.....

bowing down

i couldn't get her off my mind this morning.
josh stopped by last nite and mentioned her.

a mom of one of his little students.
single mom. raising three kids. the kid that's
a student is a natural musician. totally
talented.

she's tight on money and josh gives her a break.
i saw her son play at the talent show and was
totally wowed. i offered to kick in a little bit
too. i wanted to support his talent.

josh stopped by their apartment last nite to
drop off a guitar or something.

he told me she had been gettin' up at three in
the morning all week, had the three young kids,
small apartment, tryin' to get by.

i met her and her family at the talent show.
beautiful family.

maybe it's just too close to home, ya know?
i don't know....but she's stuck in my mind.

i thought of when the guys and i were first
starting out. i didn't sleep much back then.
i'd fall asleep with bone sighs on my bed and
wake up right next to them. i was so busy
tryin' to make it work, that there wasn't much
time to sleep.

i walked into my house after my walk and thinking
about her. i saw how blessed i was thru that
whole journey. i had a house to live in and
raise the kids. and the way it all worked out,
i had time to make the transition into bone
sighs.

my heart aches for her.
she reminds me that i had it easy compared to
so many.

and if mine was easy, i'd really not want to live
hard. ya know?

i want to help out a little more. and yet i don't
want to step on toes. i'm gonna write a letter and
explain my motives and tell her something really
important to me.....

when i was first starting out, everyone i met
seemed to rally behind me. was odd as i lost a lot
of family along the way, and somehow those gaps were
filled by strangers reaching out and offering help.

i think of that a lot and try to pay it back, but
i never will be able to....because that kinda thing
is priceless.

i sit here and think of the pain and struggle of life...
as sucky as those times can be, they really do offer
a chance for us to touch our humanity and touch each
other, don't they? and then i remember.......she's
gonna struggle a lot, yeah. true enough. but she's
also going to touch gold like she never knew existed.

i did.

and i'm bowing to the universe this morning for the
reminder of all i have....and all i've been thru...
and all whose fingertips touched mine.

outta that chair and into the rain!

threads, threads, threads all over the place.
let me see if i can twist them into coherence...

walkin' this morning and remembered something someone
said or wrote about leaving our stories behind.
that we get trapped into our old stories and that
keeps us from building new ones.

immediately i went to my new story of 'my life
is filled with love.' and looked at the vague haze
of my old story line and left it in a puddle.

oh, you did good there, ter.......
but where else is it runnin' thru your life?

attention deficit hit (or did it?!) and i started
thinking of a vid i saw on youtube last nite that
my brother told me to watch. he loved it.
i found it icky. i was picturing telling him so.
and i grinned. there will be bantering about that one.

and then it hit me!!!

i grew up with a lot of snobbish pressure in my
family. it was all way undercurrents. so if i layed
it out on the table today, my family wouldn't see it.
but it was so there. music, art, books....all certain
things that were worthy in these categories, and ones
that were not. if you didn't understand that and appreciate
the right ones, you were less than.

and then i saw it...
it was like a panel of judges i've sat in front of my
whole life.

doesn't mean THEY made that panel.
that coulda been my doing.
i coulda made them into a panel. ya know?
this isn't that they were the bad guys...
it's about what i've done with this and what i will do...

so i saw it.
me sittin in this chair before them.
sittin' there in judgment.

somewhere years ago, my body got up and left the chair,
left the room....
but my spirit stayed there.

and my spirit has whispered to me over the years things
like 'oh, if you had only been more there you wouldn't
have screwed that up.'
or 'oh, if you really had some intelligence, you would
appreciate that.' or 'you can't be an artist, because
your stuff isn't real art.'

yeah. all this kinda gunk.

as the rain hit my face this morning, i thought of the
youtube vid. i honestly didn't like it.

so?
neither good nor bad on my part.
i just didn't like it.

i thought of the things i do like.
i thought of the things that move my soul.
i thought of the things that make me double over and
laugh til i cry.

all stuff that works for me.
may not work for anyone else.
doesn't matter.
it works for me.

it's what makes me tick.

whatever makes you tick, makes you tick.

there is no panel of judges.

read that sentence again, ter.

THERE IS NO PANEL OF JUDGES.

it's been my choice to sit in front of them all my life.

until this morning i realized.......

yeah, my body got out of that chair years ago....
but my soul got out of there this morning.
(or did IT get out of my soul?!!)

lifting my face to the sky, feeling the rain on
my cheeks, i smiled at the universe.

it all just is.
and isn't that just the coolest thing?!!

quiet resolves, inner confusion, and rivers growin' louder

my thick headedness never ceases to amaze me.

over the last 2 days there have been 5 life
things that have in the past caused me much
struggle.

during the last two days i have shown
remarkable calm, peace....and are you ready??
ACCEPTANCE!

ohmygosh fallin down on my back flat on the
floor!

acceptance?!

me?!!!

as i hung up the phone with the last thing
that i felt a quiet acceptance about, i noticed
it.

i want to say it was a 'quiet resolve.'
i don't think that's right tho.
but i sure like that phrase.
so i'm gonna use it cause i like it even
tho i think it means something entirely
different.

so humor me here.

and i thought......wow.....wouldn't it be
cool if i had this quiet resolve all the time?!

knucklehead.

THAT'S the point of all this you've been
learning.....there IS NO all the time.

it flows.
it changes.
some moments you got it, some you don't.

and all the moments are okay.

oh yeah, but i sure like the moments i got
it much better than the moments i don't.

hmmmmmm........
maybe the trick is to like all the moments?

maybe that's what quiet resolve means.
well, in my dictionary anyway.

and i started laughing and confusing myself.
if i'm happy i have quiet resolve over things
i've struggled with in the past, but unhappy
when i don't have quiet resolve when i don't
have quiet resolve (yes, i said that) then you
really don't have quiet resolve down yet.
and that's the point. you won't. you can't
cause everything changes. so accept it.

and i smiled a wide smile.

maybe the key is confusion.

confusion makes it all make more sense.

all i know is i'm feelin' quieter about things
that have caused some major conflict.

and i'm feelin' an inner river inside that i'm
allowing to come up more and more.

and i'm likin' midlife.

go figure.

blurry treasure chests....

so i called him last nite and we caught up
just a bit. it's been awhile. and then he asked
me how i was doin' for real.

i tried to fill him in in a nutshell.
that's always weird for me to hear myself outline
what's been goin' on inside me in a concise
paragraph.

i want to tangent over to butterfly woman...
nahhh that prolly won't work.
oh, the exploding phone booth really should be
mentioned here...but nooooooo prolly not.

so i did a concise paragraph and left out the
visuals.

i did say 'i do inner child work.'
which made me grin.
that sentence leaves out so much fun.

we've both watched someone live his life searching
for answers he never found. searching and searching
and missing life......

he was concerned that i was searchin' for answers
that would never be found.

i laughed.
oh no. i don't think i'll ever find them.
i don't think they're there to be found, i told him.

hmmmmmm.....so what the heck am i doin'? we both
kinda wondered.

another concise paragraph....
about figuring out that midlife is a pulling together
things that have been stashed, overlooked and hidden.
about pulling things together, sorting, and working with.
about learning balance and roundedness and growing as
much if not more as the first half of life.

about discovering something inside me that's been there
the whole time. and wondering what it is.

that kinda thing.

he listened, and was kind enough. but it wasn't his deal.
not what he wanted right now.

i listened to his response and understood.

all of us on the same road in different spots.

so i walked and thought.
and thought about wanting to be love.
that's still there in full force.

yep.
there's been three of four times i've thrown that
down on the road wanting to smash it into bits.
not wanting it anymore.

but it's never smashed.
it's still there.

and i don't know why.

all i know is i believe i've got to keep tryin'.
and i don't even really know why.

but there's this really weird quiet thing inside
that's tellin' me that that goes hand in hand
with whatever it is i'm seein' that i've carried
inside of me my whole life.

i haven't a clue what any of this is about.
all i know is that it feels like there's this
whole treasure chest inside of me.
but it's just too blurry yet to see.

and that maybe my job is to see it.

who the heck knows.
but i'm goin' with that today.

the perfect easter....

oh what a great day yesterday!
there as the 'egg hunt' that yo and zakk
did for josh and i. josh and i ran around
his yard like two crazed kids tryin'
to beat each other to the candy. it was
so fun. complete with him throwing me into
the fence so he could get the candy i was
reachin' for.

it was HIS fence tho, since we were at his
house and then he started worryin' about me
breaking HIS fence and pulled me out...

there was badminton with the peep for the birdie...
and zakk slidin' all over the yard as he had
no traction on his shoes.

there was a walk to the river and sitting by
the river and just listenin' and watchin'.

there was laughing, wrestling, talking, and
eating.

the perfect easter.

i watched those guys of mine, and held the
treasure of the day really close.

there can't be too many more of these.
which makes me treasure them all the more.

happy easter

what a beautiful morning!
easter morning!
and while i'm no longer christian,
i still love easter!

i was a kid when the rock opera
'jesus christ superstar' came out.
and i have loved it since i first heard
it.

every year around easter time, i pull
that back out and relisten to it. a few
times in fact. never just once.

the psychology of that whole opera has
always fascinated me. to me, it covers
so much.

there's the confusion of love. and not
knowing exactly how to, and what it's about
and what to do with it.

oh can i relate to that.

there's the trying to do something you
think is right, and getting so stuck on
the reality you think is there, and missing
that it's not what you tyhink.
and then suffering for not seeing clearly.

there's the peer pressure and the fear
of goin' against the crowds. the lack of
belief in yourself or what you know.

there's the masses of people and the changes
in their moods and how they all feed each
other.

there's the not understanding of things,
not wanting to be part of them, but at the
same time, being part of them....and then
never being able to forget it.

there's the struggle....the intense complete
struggle (interestingly enough, the song i'm
thinking of that deals with this has always
been my favorite)....the fear, the not wanting
the struggle....and then the release, and
giving in to the flow.

there's passion, and good hearts, and anger
and love, and confusion, worldly power, and
real power....

it has so much in it.

and i listen, and i feel all of it inside me.
it's all parts of me. it touches so many things
inside.

it always seems right to listen to it this time
of year.

and i think of what easter means to me now.

a time of new life. birth, death, release,
miracles........

a time when everything in that opera stirs inside
of me....and i know that the possibilities are
limitless....

i still love easter.

just mullin' out loud....

i posted some goofy stupid status line on
facebook yesterday about changin' the
neurons and synapses in my brain and havin'
a good day.

it was just playful as i like to go there
and play.

but it was based on truth.

on tryin' to figure out patterns i've made
that don't work for me. and changing those
patterns.

i want to say 'to patterns that do work for
me.'

but i don't know, maybe deliberately creating
patterns isn't such a good idea.

maybe beyond patterns would be awareness of
the present. and having each moment be whatever
it is. not subject to a pattern.

oh yeah.
this all sounds so good.

but my gosh.
i've got some stubborn weird patterns.
and they creep in all over the darn place.

i can't even figure out why i've got some that
i do. they logically make no sense.

ah.
but since when have i been logical?!

i was really really aware of them yesterday.
and i'm hoping to stay aware for a little while
here. long enough to change some directions.

i've done it before.

i know it can be done.
i think maybe tho you have to be clear on what
you want.

josh gave me a good pointer once.
he said that sometimes it's real hard to list
out what you want.
we all know what we don't want.
but not so sure what it is we want.

so he told me to start with a list of what i
don't want, and then take their opposites
to start forming my want list.

i haven't tried that yet. and he told me
some time ago.

i'm thinking that might be a good thing to
try along with the pattern changing deal.

hmmmmmmm.........
maybe it's time.

a little angled lemonade

i am lovin' this day!

i just hung up with one of the people
who provide our mats and backs for bone sighs.

awhile ago, by accident, she sent us the wrong
backs. it's all custom cut and not something
you can just reuse for another order. so if
i shipped it back, she'd eat the cost.

understanding 'eating the cost' all too well,
we decided to make a whole new product to go
with these backs she sent us. then we could use
them, and she didn't have to get them back.

so we did.
yo and i made something together.

and it is one of our better sellers!

it's the weirdest thing, that seems to be
the way our business works. it survives
on love and caring.

i just placed the first REFILL of that mistake.

she called to double check on it and i was
tellin' her how they created a whole new thing
up here. we laughed over it, talked about
surviving thru the economic stuff and at the
end she said she was the one who had made that
mistake with my order and she thanked me for
making lemonade out of the lemons she sent me.

what struck me was they weren't lemons at all.

but you only knew that if you looked at them
from the right angle.

it's all in the angle, isn't it????

wow.
that point keeps hittin' home with me.

friends

and finally......

i got wild last nite and put this little
follower thing on my blog.
i'm not sure why i did.
i think i wanted to impress zakk that
i could do it on my own, that i'd even
think of doin' something like that,
and that it'd be 'the thing to do.'

i don't know tho....
i wish it wasn't called 'follower'
i wish it was called 'friend'....

maybe i can go do something about that.
i'll try.

i'd love it to fill with friends.
not followers.
followers sounds like maybe you think
i have something to say.

we all know better than that.

friends sounds like you care enough to
come check in.

and that sounds so cool.
i'd like that.

so if you feel like bein' a friend...
there's that little gadgety thing on
the side.

i'm gonna go see if i can make it
say friend.......
then i'm gonna go show off to zakk.

i did a gadgety thing.
he'll be amazed!

i found my ground again....

words matter so much to me.

i do not know why. but i feel like i can't
function without them.

i think in emotions and feelings, but
at the same time, i gotta connect words
to some of it or i go nuts.

well, what if i have the wrong word?!

uh oh.
danger will robinson.

that has potential to cause a lot of
havoc inside.

and havoc indeed has been what it's been
causing.

last nite i figured it out.

it wasn't a happy eureka kinda moment.
in fact, it was really sad and made me
cry. it felt like a loss.

but i knew it was right to let it go.

this morning i feel a new sense of freedom.

i've stepped out of the whirlpool that
had me spinning and sinking.

and i've stepped onto the earth.
my earth. my ground.

and i like it here.

go figure.
i really really like it here.

wings on my feet

i noticed it during the day yesterday.
something i had been struggling with for
YEARS had finally got to a place that was
good. i was amazed at my inner reaction.
wow. i had made progress.

oh ho ho.
don't get cocky, ter.
the universe wasn't so sure.
so later that afternoon, i got a little test.

amazing.
absolutely amazing.
the timing of things sometimes floors me.

and wow.
it felt like a scar that had healed got
ripped apart again.
wow.
i could just feel the rip.
and my insides were cryin' like a baby.

wow.
how'd that happen to someone who had it
all figured out?!

yeah.
maybe i didn't.

but then again....maybe i did.

i reacted, yes.
and it was strong, yes.

but i didn't fall apart.

i thought about it.
wondered why the big reaction.
it was nothing new. i should have
expected it, at least not reacted
like i did inside.

so i went right to the heart of it.
what was at the deepest layer?
and i understood immediately.
i knew.
and i said 'oh well.' to myself.

and let it go.

another wow here.
that was a FIRST!

i've done the same pattern before
up until the 'let it go' part.
that's not so easy.
usually takes a good amount of effort.
that part i get stuck on.

this time i didn't.

i let it go.
honest to pete, i let it go.

and then just as surely as i got the test
as a response to my cockiness (altho, i wasn't
cocky, just happy)....

i got an answer this morning to my letting go.

i got a note from that person apologizing.

a tear ran down my cheek as i read it.
for two reasons.....
first time ever this was recognized by this
person.
and first time ever i didn't need it anymore.

there's tremendous loss at the bottom of all
this....but beyond that....and more importantly,
there's tremendous gain.

the loss is behind me now.
i really think it is.

the gain is at my feet.
and it's puttin' wings on them this morning.

pumpin' my fist in the air!

ha!
i FINALLY had a rockin' good dream!
they've been a bit tough lately...
and i finally had a peaceful one full of
wisdom. whew. it's about time.

i woke up with one that was all about
knowing i had what i needed inside of
me. it was there all along.

i rolled over for more sleep, hugged
my pillow and thought.....ohhhh that's
good.

fell back asleep and woke up to one
that seemed to be continuing the first.

all about living in the moment. feeling
your inner strength and being peaceful.

i opened my eyes.
okay!
i like that one.
i'm gonna stop there!

and hopped outta bed!

i walked by yo's room. he was just
wakin' up.
'mornin' mom, how you doin'?'

i walked in.
yo, i had a great dream, i've tackled
the problem i've been havin' all week,
finally got it settled inside, i feel
fantastic and i'm gonna make this day
rock.'

he lifted his fist towards me for a
fist bump.

i went for it and missed!

and i laughed!

i've never missed before.

hope that wasn't an omen!!!

don't think so.

i tried it again, connected.
then pumped my fist in the air!

yes!
a good day ahead!

i liked this....

i just read this and really liked it:

'in learning to sail you do not change the
current of the water nor do you have any
effect on the wind, but you learn to hoist
your sail and turn it this way and that to
utilize the greater forces which surround
you. by understanding them, you become one
with them, and in doing so you are able to
find your own direction - so long as it is
in harmony with, and does not try to
oppose, the greater forces in being.'

- june singer

rocks and water

so i walked.
and i was tense and frustrated.
felt some pangs of anger. watched them
as friends have been nudging me that way.
and i plowed thru all this frustration
mess inside me.

and got nowhere.

and then as i was walkin' home this semmingly
small little thought came boppin' thru.
certainly wasn't small at all.

do you get frustrated that you can't get
water from a stone?

oh yes.
we've all heard that.
but i heard it different this morning.
and my eyes got big.

no.

well then.

why so frustrated here?

you can't change this. you can't fix this.
it is what it is.
you get what you can out of it, and you
see it for what it is and don't expect more.

and then that quote that we all know and i
will mess up but will give you enough that you'll
know which one i mean pops in....

wisdom is
changing the things you can.
accepting the things you can't.
and knowing the difference between the two.

something like that.

i grinned.
i'm so far from wisdom i can't even remember
the quote right.

honest to pete, it's like this whole weight
fell off of me.

there a little voice haunting me tho....

is that settling?

maybe that's another part of the whole thing.
separate issue.

i'll have to figure that out later.
right now i'm just kinda enjoyin' lettin'
the rock be and not looking for water from it.

maybe the stream with all the water i want
lies within.......

tomato face insights

this is so scrambled in my brain,
i may not be able to get it out.

the guy who called me tomato face started
this whole thing (see post below)....

i think it had to be someone like him.
i didn't know him much, he teased me a lot,
i felt uncomfortable a lot when he teased
me....he just reminds me of that youthful
time...that awkward time.

and now he's this adult guy who's normal
and nice.....who's been thru a ton of life.
just like all of us at this age.

so it got me thinking.
who am i now?

and somehow....somehow i feel like i saw
better than i ever have before.

as i walked, the hard times in life came up.
and i saw myself thru them.

up til now, i think i've been really side
tracked with the tears and fears i've had
thru it all. that's what i see when i look
back.

i gravitate towards strong people now because
i like their strength. one of my favorite things
about bob is his inner strength. i soak that
stuff up when i'm near people i perceive as
strong.

i never really thought of myself that way.
i've got too much gentle in me for me to really
seriously think of as strong.

i know. i know. that's not how it works. but
that's how my brain worked.

and this morning i'm walkin' and seein' the gentle
strength thru the hard times. and seein' the
roads i've traveled. and seein' more of me than
i ever have before. and i see how the gentle has
been a definite part of the strength.

several of the scenes i thought of dealt with
deaths in my family. one of which was my dad's.

the midlife book i'm reading is talking about facing
death as a part of life. facing our own mortality.

that's been on my mind.
and when i thought of my dad's death, i thought of
it being everything that i would NOT want for my
own. from events leading up to it all the way to
past the funeral services....i wouldn't want my death
to be anything like his.

and i realized it couldn't be. that it's already set
to be different.

and then i realized his entire life is something that
i don't want mine to be like.

of course.
your life would lead up to your death.
of course.

and everything started landing in me.
who i was growin' up. how i've grown and become and
continue to become....how middle age is an opportunity
to become more just like we have become more from
those teen years....

and how i have the strength to do it.
i just have to know that......

i don't know....maybe yesterday's phone booth
explosion made room for something else.
i don't know.

but i feel different about it all.

i've been saying that i lost all my beliefs.
that can't be true.
somewhere thru the string of events i went back
and remembered today, i saw something that stayed
solid thru all of it.
i'm not sure what it is.
i don't have words for it.
but it was a solid foundation, a solid something
that has stayed thru everything....and even gotten
stronger.

so there's something there for me.

i know it's all just as scary and unsure as it was
yesterday....but i feel like it's gonna be okay
now.

i sure hope i keep this feeling!

goofy guys gone mature

okay. it's the year of my 30th high school
reunion.
woe.
that's so odd.
and 'kids' i knew back then are pokin' out
on face book.

and it's so weird.

this one got me........
i'm still scratchin' my head over it.

he was in my junior high algebra class.
sat behind me.
teased the daylights outta me.
made me blush constantly and then would
call me tomato face.

oh man.
yeah.
my kids even know these stories and will
tease me with that now and again.

so he shows up.
and i tease cause that's what i remember
doin' with him.

and then........he throws a thoreau quote
out and writes a note that is um....
how do i say this?

mature.

laughin.

yeah.

mature.

ya see, i still see that goofy guy sittin'
behind me teasin' me.

and no.
here's this man sayin' real stuff.

and my head is goin' oh wow.
how did this happen?!

these guys grew into men.
and my girlfriends are women.

and we're old.
but in a good way.
we've lived some and people seem to have
a bit of whatever it is you get when you've
been thru stuff....

and i like it.

i really like it a lot better than when we
were in high school.

and time is reeling around me.
i've been getting notes from people that
spark memories....
and it was all a different world.

it was worlds ago.

and yet there's these contacts.

and it's all different.
yet with a thread of the same.

i thought i'd hate it.
havin' that stuff brought up again.

but it's not about that.
it's about something different.

maybe about remembering part of you,
but maybe more about seeing who you are
now.

i don't know.

but it's really kinda cool.

maybe.
just maybe somehow today i felt this taste
of respect for the growin' process.
maybe something i hadn't quite tasted before.
or in a different way.

maybe i'm just way overtired and need to quit.......

goodnite.

a good one.......

a friend sent me this quote today.
it hit so hard and it hit so deep.

i was tellin' her yesterday that i just
don't know how to love sometimes and let go.

this one is getting painted on a wall or
something......

'there is no remedy for love but to love more.'
-henry david thoreau


woe.

and the telephone booth exploded....

i was walkin' and thinking and things were
flyin' thru my mind. butterfly woman came
thru, the little terri's, some memories,
all these crazy dreams i keep havin,
frustrations i've been feelin, all kindsa
things.

i walked and grinned and said 'whoa. it's
gettin' really crowded in here!'

i really felt over stuffed.

and all of a sudden a kids song popped into
my head. it was one of my favorites i used
to listen to with the kids.

it's about bruno and the telephone booth.
he lives in one, and he keeps inviting everyone
in. friends, the choir, the fire department.
it's supremely excellenty fun. and it gets
really crowded in there.

i couldn't remember the ending. i was thinking
'how did that end?' and wondering what do i do
with my really full telephone booth here.

i pictured this phone booth. with me in it
and all these other things/people/parts/dreams
in there with me.

and all of a sudden........
the phone booth BURST apart from all the pressure.
KABOOOOOOOOOOOM!

shattered glass everywhere!
safety glass of course.
grin.
beautiful and harmless.

and everyone kinda landed everywhere and
there was laughter and a huge sense of relief
and just a really good feeling.

and then.......the most amazing thing.......

little terri got up and put a handful of the
glass pieces on butterfly woman's feet. real
gently. just for fun.

and then everyone started puttin glass everywhere.
there was glass scattered in the corners of my
dreams so that i would remember that they were
a good thing,there to help me, and to remind me
that there are no limits. that we're exploding the
limits.

there was glass used to finish off a memory that's
too long to explain, but made me laugh out loud.

someone put glass pieces on the top of my head
and made a tiara.

on and on went the glass play.

and running thru it all was this sense that a
barrier needed to break. that there needed to be
some sort of explosion of the walls that were
keeping me in.

i think there's a lot more explosions to come.
but this one reminds me.........they don't have
to be bad. they can be quite fun.

and they can feel really good.

tiggers, muddles, and flying feet

it's no coincidence that my nickname is
tigger.
i really do love to bounce.

i had hurt my foot and taken a week off
bouncing.
(exercising on a little trampoline)
well, today i was back at it,
and as soon as i started i realized that
this has now become as important to me
as my walking has become.

i could feel sanity return as soon as i
started. i was scattered this morning and
didn't have any bouncing music picked out
so i grabbed anything i could find.

i ended up bouncin' to this one song that
i love....'up around the bend.'

i bounced with the biggest smile on my face.

'there's a place up ahead that i'm goin',
just as fast as my feet can fly.
come away, come away if you're goin,
leave a sinking ship behind....'

and on and on it goes.

i figured out i'm ready to plow in.

it took me forever to know i was in a
muddle.
then i needed time to name the muddle
and see the muddle.
then i've been fighting the muddle
big time.

i told my bud yesterday that i was just
beginning to see the muddle as a really
good thing and was almost ready to
willingly go....but not quite yet.

this morning as i bounced, i knew i was
ready. ready to go up around the bend....

i know i have places to go.
and i know that gettin' around that bend
is gonna be one heck of a journey.

but i'm ready to go.
just as fast as my feet can fly....

and it felt really good to know that this
morning.

a map

so we both needed an outlet.
and we had planned on coffee anyway....
so we sat and ranted and laughed
and goofed our way thru some stresses.

it was just what we both needed.

she makes me laugh so hard. and it felt
so good.

and i whined at her and told her i figured
out that i just want a map.
i just want a map of life, and i'd be fine.
jokes began and we laughed and carried
on....
and then she looked at me seriously and
said 'why don't you make one? make a map.'

my eyes lit up.
yeah.
yeah.

i liked the idea.

we talked of a particular ravine i fell in
a lot.
she said 'just put that at the bottom of the
map.'
then she thought for a moment....
no. no. better yet.....leave it off the map!

yeah.
yeah.

i liked that.

so an idea was born.

still not exactly sure how to do it.
gonna have to sit and play.
but i do know that it's got to be what i
want in life.
not the bumps.
at first i was thinking i'd need to put
the bumps in.
and i don't know, i may draw them in as
they appear....
but i think i have to leave them out now.

the universe just told me so.

i was leaning that way...put only in what
i want....

when i got a call from a friend.
he calls out of the blue and usually
chats a bit.
not this time.
he just called to tell me that he was only
focusing on what he wanted in life.
that was it.
he told me. said he had to go.

it was all very odd.

i hung up and thought hmmmmmmmm......
if that wasn't a message to me, i don't
know what would be!

so okay.
a map.
focusing on what i want in life.

i don't know how to do it.
but i do know it will get me thinking.
and help me focus where i want to focus...
and i think it may really help in some
odd kinda funky way......

go figure.

a map.

why not?

focus. focus. focus.

i feel lost.
no.
well, yeah.
but focus on the good.
okay.
i can do that.
there's so much of it.

but what about this feeling?
focus on the good.
just focus on this or that.
it's so good.

but am i sposed to be looking at this
feeling?

you know you got it.
that's enough.
focus on the good.

wait.
focus inside.
everything you need is inside you.

focus.
focus.

and so the walk went.

and i walked faster and faster and
faster.

yeah.
i feel lost.
and yeah, i think it's a lot of
'midlife stuff' goin' on.
and dreams.
dreams upon dreams.

i used to love my dreams.
why am i fighting working with them now?
cause they make me feel lost.....

i'm in a certain spot.
upheaval and lost is part of it.
good and happy is also part of it.

i read last nite that i'm sposed to be
workin' on the not so dominant parts of
me. to kinda round me out.

i looked at zakk and said i could use some
help with the logic and thinking stuff.
maybe you'll help me?

he agreed.

gonna try to work on some of that.
try not to run totally on emotions today.
focus on the incredible heap of stuff i want
to do today.

i'm gonna try to step out and watch the process
instead of bein' the darn process.

focus.
focus.
focus.

and a little laughin' thrown in......

if

i heard this poem once when i was young,
and paid very little attention to it.

i just bumped into it just now,
and i about fell over.

we've all heard it.
but have we ever really heard it?

i'm payin' attention this time,
and actually printed it out to hold.

rudyard kipling's 'if'.....


If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

and what do you run on?

he's all logic, and very good at stringing
things together that would take me months
to figure out.

he was doin' it again yesterday. it was like
his logic meter was on high.

and he started figurin' out how my thought
processes/actions worked and how his worked
and how different everyone was walkin' around.

so last nite when we gathered with the guys
in the living room, the topic came up.

looking over at zakk, he grinned.
so, zakk, when was the last time you had an
intense emotional reaction to something?

zakk smiled.
uh. i don't do that too often.

but then he asked him when was the last time
he was stuck on a problem of the intellect
and pondered and pondered and flipped it
around in his mind and tried to figure it out.
when was the last time he was consumed with
something like that.

oh yeah, he does that all the time.

i started whoopin' and hollering and goofin'
and yellin' about having an intellect too
and i wasn't all emotions, and i got all
emotional about it.

bob just gently said 'i rest my case.'

and we laughed.

and then we went to yo and asked him how
he worked, and then to josh.

and we all talked about how we reacted to
things and how we dealt with things and
we saw all the big differences and similarities
in the room.

and we talked about how the way we operate
inside seems like that must be the way everyone
operates, and it's not.

i sat there watchin' this group of apes talkin'
this over. there was bantering and teasing,
and a lotta thought goin' on.

we're all learnin' together.
and it's just the coolest thing.
i've been learnin' together with my boys ever
since they got here.
and i'm still doin' it.
these grown apes sittin' around me helpin me
figure out not only how to see the differences,
but how to respect them and work with them.

i think learning to respect the differences is
one of the most important things we can do.

and i think learning to really love the differences
and ALLOW the differences at some very trying
times is one of the hardest things i've ever
tried to do. but i'm gettin' there.

and these guys of mine are all in training.
when they hit my age, they'll be experts.

i got up to go to the other room for a minute.
and i stood listening to them.

i smiled.
i've got the best team in the world behind me.

i got all emotional.

and then i laughed.
yeah.
yeah.
i run on emotions.
and sometimes it's awesome cool.

salty oatmeal

i'm sittin' here all cryin' in my oatmeal bowl.
grin.
yeah, it's an okay thing.
someone asked me if i was cryin' a lot lately.
yeah.
i cry a lot all the time!
part of the deal.
no worries.

but these tears are tears of everything.
all of it. pain, joy, love, sadness...the whole
deal.

it's my friend's birthday today. the one who's
losing her dad. he'll be up for the celebration
today. and the weight of the whole thing is almost
more than she can bear.

i didn't know what to give her for a gift.
what can you give someone you love with your whole
heart and who's hurting so much?

so i gave her a used, unwashed, hand-me-down jacket.
yeah.
yep.

i had this jacket i wore on my walks. says 'love'
across the front. i really liked it as it reminded
me of what i wanted to do with my life. it was a
splurge for me to get for myself. just a hoodie,
nothing special. but for me, it was a splurge. for
me, it was something special.

what's really wild is it's from that group that's
called 'to write love on her arms.'

i've mentioned it before. the story is gorgeous,
and begins with someone cutting something awful
in her arm. a cutter, struggling to live.

that mattered to me too. another reason i got the
jacket.

i bought it for me. i've been wearing it for months.

but then i thought....what if i give it to her?
unwashed. and i wrote her a note and said that part
was gross but to humor me.
i wanted it to have my smell on it,
the stray hair layin' on it, the salt stains at
the end of the sleeves from when i wiped my tears
as i walked. all there. i wanted her to at least
have that until she threw it in the washer.

i wanted it to be me wrapping her in love.

i didn't even tell her about the cutter part of
the story. i will one day tho. as she's been down
that road herself. it will matter to her.

i just got a note from her.
it's her birthday today.
she opened it.

and she got it.
she really got what i wanted to do.
she said she needed it.

and i started crying.
cause sometimes i hurt so bad wanting to help
the ones i love. sometimes i just wish that things
could be easier.

and then i'm reminded....it's in these depths....
these really hard moments that the light shines
the brightest.

it did just now for me.
and the tears hit my oatmeal.

you can't touch this stuff without the pain.
i don't know why. but i don't think you can.

and i actually stopped for a moment and honored
the pain.

there is light in the darkness.
we just have to remember.....

love is always there.

passionate balance

as i slip my stuffed monkey back to his place
(see post below) i look out the window at the
beautiful spring day.

ah, everything looks so different in the light.
and talk about life! it's all bursting out around
me.

it makes me think of balance. how you have to
have all the sides of everything, but you have to
balance them.

i used to hate the balance idea. it seemed like it
took the passion outta things. like you had to be
some sorta unemotional drab balanced being to get
thru it all and understand it all.

but maybe you can be passionately balanced?!

maybe you can feel the pain, face the fear,
fight the demons with as much strength and
passion as you dance for joy, sit in peace,
soak up the moment.

maybe you can kiss someone goodbye as passionately
as when you kiss them when you're telling them you
love them.

wow.
that thought really hit.

and maybe that's how i can view balance.

not as a drab, unemotional thing where i lose
the zest of life.
but as something that helps me have zest thru
it all. and doesn't just let the heavy stuff get
all the energy.

but lets the zest zip on thru every aspect of
life. including death.

passionate balance.
hmmmmm......i'm gonna think on that today.

me and my monkey

a year or two ago i bought myself a stuffed
monkey. he reminded me of bob. more hair, but
an ape and cuddly.

i got him to hold at times when i just needed
to hold someone and there wasn't anyone there.

i've never slept with him as i never reached
that point of need before!

until the middle of the nite last nite.
i had a dream bob died.

i woke up really upset and got up so that i
could walk it out. as i was headin' back into
bed, i grabbed the monkey.

turns out i fell asleep with him and held on
tight to him the whole rest of the nite.

i woke up holding him this morning.

i'm such a mature, independent woman.
me and my monkey.

i had spent some time last nite reflecting on
the death around me right now. trying to be
okay with it.

trying to acknowledge and accept that it's part
of the life cycle. that it's just a passing and
all those calm really beautiful things i hear
and think i believe.

but ya know, i'm just not good with it.
i'm a selfish pig. i want people to stick around
and be with me. i hate to see the pain involved
in the passings. and i am just not ready to lose
anyone really close to me. and when i watch others
going thru it, i want to fix it for them.

yeah.
is anyone ever ready?

i keep thinking if i live right and appreciate it
all i'll be a little ready, maybe.

but this morning i feel like such a wimp and just
want to hold the monkey.
no, actually, i just want to hold bob.
forever.
and never let him go.

it doesn't work that way, does it?

i just wonder if i'll ever get into the swing of
this life/death cycle.

sure doesn't feel like it.
pass me my monkey, will ya?

crying/laughing/living/dying

so i called.
to be there.
but not.
cause no one can be there for her now.

her pop's dyin'.
soon, prolly.

he's coming up for the last birthday
celebration, the last visit....the whole
deal.

and it's one wicked, complicated story that
goes along with the whole thing.

which makes the pain all that more wicked
complicated.

i got a little choked up twice.
tried not to.

hung up and reached for the phone.
wanted to touch bob.
no.
left him be.
he's got meetings.

let him think.

i'll go cry.
cause life hurts sometimes.

and then i'm gonna laugh at lunch.
cause life rocks sometimes.

if i'm gonna really live it, i need
to be okay touching all parts of it.

whew.

sometimes it's a lot.

feelin' lucky

i'm in my studio.
the rain is pouring down.
i love this. you can hear it on my roof top.
it was barely raining when i went walking.
i'm debating goin' back out....
but then again....bein' warm and cozy with
it bouncin' on my roof is pretty nice too.

i'm listening to the rain, lovin' it and
then i hear the laughter of the guys up
in the kitchen. they're watchin' stupid
youtube vids and howling with laughter.
they each have their individual laugh and
i listen to each one and grin. they're
laughin' hard and it feels good to hear them.

i can tell which vids they're watchin'
and i'm laugin' along.

i looked out at my flooded yard....all the
raindrops makin' great designs in the puddles....

feelin' lucky to be here......

a morning bone sigh

always with me,
waiting inside.
sometimes quietly,
sometimes not.
it's when i stop and listen
that i honor your presence.
it's when i follow what i hear
that i honor my self.

more goodies

so i woke up earlier than i wanted to.
decided to read just a few minutes.
what a treat!
and yep! i found a tidbit to share!!!!

from 'awakening at midlife'.......

at midlife the psyche will no longer tolerate
our attempt to achieve wholeness thru our
relationship with another. we can no longer allow
our independence, strength, compassion, creativity,
humor, or any other human characteristic that is
rightfully ours to be expressed by anyone else.
at midlife psychological energy is directed toward
taking full responsibility for our own development.
we will have to look at it and be responsible for
our own movement toward self realization and
individuation.'

..........'each partner must take full responsibility
for the development of him or herself. each of us
must be the pilot on the path of our own individuation,
for no relationship with another person can be any
better than our relationship with ourselves.
at midlife, we can no longer afford the free ride.
we can no longer accept that any aspect of ourselves
will be lived out by someone else.'

for no relationship with another person can be any
better than our relationship with ourselves.

woe.
woe.
woe.

out to stumble around in the rain with all of this....

just a little joy....

so i woke up this morning and decided
to make it a fun day. to laugh a lot with
the apes and to just really see all of them.

first ape up was bob. i joked on the phone
with him and goofed and pestered and hung
up laughing.

good start.
next ape, zakk, comes wanderin' in, bleary
eyed.

it's just him and i in the room. i lean forward,
eyes big and whisper (for no apparent reason)
is yo yo awake?????

i get a groggy 'i don't think so' in reply.

my eyes light up!
well, let's go wake him!!!

we landed in his room, crashed on his bed,
bounced around, yelled, laughed, hollered
and sang.

well, okay, *we* didn't do that....*i* did.
grin. but zakk was there with me. he's just
quieter than i am.

i had made the mistake of tellin' zakk the
key words to the only scary story i ever heard
in my life when i was a kid. (after that one
i refused to hear any more!) 'drip, drip,
gurgle, gurgle.'

he had burst out laughing when i told him.
i musta been about seven when i heard it.
and it really scared me.
still does.
grin.

(anyone know that one???)

so he leans close and goes 'drip, drip, gurgle,
gurlge'

in reply i smack him real hard.
smacking, pushing, and general horseplay breaks
out as zakk is laughing and laughing and saying
what IS that anyway? a river?!!!

no!
someones BLOOD!

he laughs harder.

'you gotta be kiddin?!'

jaded kid.
jaded little rat.

more smacking and shoving.

yo of course is loving this way of waking up.

i wish i could say we do this every morning.
nah. it's usually bleary eyed grunts.

but today is special.

someone i have grown to love a lot wants to live
again. and i want to honor that today.

i want to live in joy today.
besides, i have a friend who's been nudging me
that way lately. tellin' me it's a choice.
(thanks, cams)....

i admit it, i'm not good enough yet to make that
choice all the time.

BUT! i'm makin' it today!

and it feels real good.......

she wants to live!

we talked tonite and i felt my heart leap
for joy. i really felt it do a little jump!

she said she wanted to live again.
she said she is looking forward to things
now and that she wanted that to grow more
and more.

it wasn't long ago when all she could think
of was dying. she said she thought about it
constantly during the day.

and now.......she wants to live again.

it felt so incredibly good to hear.

and i wanted to put it out here. i have no
idea who comes by and read this thing. but
i thought i'd put that out there on the off
chance someone who was really struggling stopped
by. someone who was really down.

this friend i was talking to tonite....
i've been in constant touch for a long time now.

hell landed at her feet one day and she had no
choice but to enter.

and she's been there for a long long time now.

and now she's seein' some light.
and we're laughing together.
and we're talking about plans she's making.

plans!
when before she didn't know how she'd make it
thru a day!

i mentioned to her that when she gets way stronger
maybe she'll want to tell others that you really
can get stronger.

'don't you wish someone who had been there
had told you that?' i asked her.
and yeah, she agreed....she really really did.

so.
i thought i'd throw it out there too.
it wasn't me that walked thru that hell. i just
stood on the edges and waited.

but i can vouch for her....
and she's laughing tonite.

and my heart's doin' a little dance.
i've been waitin' a long time for this day...

celebratin' it with open arms!

lessons from the apes

so, okay, i haven't forgotten the making space
theme....where you do no more than just make a
space for people to be.

actually, i was reminded of it yesterday when
a note came into my mailbox from someone i had
been tryin' to do that with and just about
given up on.

and there he was asking for some thoughts.

huh.
go figure.

so a correspondence started up.

later when i told josh about it, josh grinned
at me.

he said 'ya know, mom, i have a new nick name
for you! you deal with so many of us apes,
we should call you jane goodall.'

i laughed.

he's right.
i do have a lotta apes in my life.
and yeah, he's one of 'em.

but here's the thing....
these darn apes keep teachin' me.
the ape that came in yesterday was the perfect
reminder that making space matters.

and i had almost forgotten.

i could use that right now.

and so the apes are teachin' me again.....

an awesome cool goal

there was a moment years ago, where i think
i understood that thought about two people
coming together to become whole.

when i was young and romantic, i loved that
idea. when i was older and not romantic, i
resented the idea.

on this day,
years ago,
i saw the possibilities of the
idea and i wondered.......

it's a great story, but bob will prolly shoot
me if i put it up here. so i'll be general.

we had come to the breaking point. i fully
expected to walk out of his house a broken
couple.

instead, something really powerful happened.

pushed to the edge we came up with the idea that
his weakest point and my weakest point were
clashing big time and hurting us both. if we
didn't do something, it would be beyond repair.

so we agreed.
he would work on doing what for him was the hardest
thing in the world to do.
and i would work on doing what for me was
the hardest thing in the world to do.

we would do it with the goal of truly loving each
other in mind.

we would work on growing ourselves so that we could
honestly love each other.

these things that were the hardest things for us
to do.....they're the hardest things because they
touch on our weaknesses, on the things we just aren't
good at, on our wounds, on the places we've been
stunted.

this situation demanded we strengthen those muscles
if we're ever really gonna pull off living. if we're
ever really gonna pull off loving.

i remember looking over at him.
i was scared.
because i wasn't sure i could do it.
he felt the exact same way.

'i suck at that' he said.
i grinned. 'yeah, i suck at mine.'
and i walked out of his house kinda in a fog.

and that idea about two people becoming whole came to
mind. if we can take these places inside of us and
make them grow, and make them strong....if those are
the places that we haven't been able to work much
with....and now we have to. we're forced to or we
lose what matters.......we just might do it.

we just might pull it off.

that was years ago.
we've done an adequate job.
but we bumped into it again recently.
and last nite we got to talkin' about it all over
again.

we got reminded that we weren't done. there was still
work to do.

and we recommitted to those things we talked of years
ago.

i sit here this morning thinking of it all.
i honestly believe this is what they meant about
two people becoming one. making a whole.
i think it's a fascinating concept. the idea of
having to become more of who you are to really love
someone else. the idea of having to build up in the
areas that you suck at because they matter and if you
want the real stuff, you gotta grow yourself.

if i was a minister and giving a wedding talk, i'd
tell my story. all the details of it because the
details do matter. and i'd talk of this discovery of
two hurt people who were desperately tryin' to see
what was goin' on.

in our desperation, i think we found something that
really really really means something important.

and now.......years later i sit back and smile.
we haven't finished by any means. i'm still not entirely
sure we can pull it off.

but i do know this....it's an awesome cool goal.

become strong in your weaknesses so that you can give
yourself entirely to love.

woe.
how cool would that be?

yet another rumi quote

bought a card yesterday.....
just saw it, read it, snagged two of 'em!

it floored me.

rumi quote on it:

'the heart is the secret inside the secret.'


woe.
think about it.
it floored me.

for you, my friend....

there is nothing wrong with you, my friend.
you call and ask me with that desperate tone
that hurts to hear, and i'm sure hurts to house.

you are beauty walkin' around that doesn't know it.

you are strength, and goodness and heart....
and yeah, i know....you are darkness, and angry,
and crazed and full of passion.

you are yin and yang my friend.

sometimes those opposites flow so smoothly
and sometimes they churn inside you.

i think when the churning starts, the self doubt
rises and bubbles and you start to feel like
you're drowning.

you're not drowning.
you may go under, you may get bumped around
in the whirl pool.....

but you'll come up again.
and you'll flow again.

the trick i think, is to know that.
to know that it's all a cycle.
it's all a flow. sometimes smooth, sometimes
not........

the rope of trust is there for you.
and now seems like when you need it.
hold on to it, and pull yourself up when
you need that air.......

trust in the process.
trust in your growth.
trust in who you are.

if you can't find the rope.....look over
in my eyes.

yeah, i may be lost finding my own rope,
but i always have yours right there.
always.
cause i totally trust who you are and totally
trust in your growth and your process and
in your heart.

i see more in you than you'll ever know.
and yes, i do see that darkness too.
i can't say i see it all.
but i can say i see enough.
way enough.

look in my eyes and find the rope.
i've got it waiting for you whenever you need it.

always.

a sore foot

sore foot today.
sore enough not to walk.
no way am i missing my walk today.
i NEED it.
so i hobble out.
limping along as i go.

limp by the construction site.
they paved a little road down there.
i looked at it and the tears just
started runnin' down my face.
that used to be where i played with
the kids.

okay.
i definitely need this walk.
it doesn't take much to see the instability
inside.

i'm rubbin my face, holdin' the sides of
my head.

great.
great.
i'm in good shape this morning.

i'm looking either straight up at the sky
searching for help, or straight down at the
road tryin' not to hurt my foot on some slight
incline.

my mind races a mile a minute.

there's someone i left behind.
i left him behind because he twists up my
insides.

i had an encounter again and my insides
were twisted.

so i hobbled and thought of him.
then i realized what i was doin'.

and i switched gears.
and i started thinking of the good in
my life.

i stepped a little stronger.

i noticed the step. and i concentrated
a little harder.

i thought of my insides. and i concentrated
on love. i concentrated on good.

i looked at the trees and just about lost
it again being pulled back into yuck.
my eyes got a little big, i could feel the
internal struggle, and i searched the sky.

i held the good.
i had it.
it had me.

i let the yuck fade away.

my steps were strong. no hobble.
just the slightest ache.

okay.
i can handle that.
a slight ache.

and i walked faster.
stronger.
happier.

i bypassed my front door and
went to the flowers
in my yard.

i gathered one, two, three,
more and more and more. they were
the things in my life i was grateful
for.

i gathered an armful and brought them
in.

i put them in a vase and looked at
the yellow.

bright. warm. cheerful. so much yellow.
different kinds. different shades.
different shapes.

i sat down on the floor in front of them
and smelled them.

i closed my eyes.
let a tear run down my cheek.
and i thanked the universe for all that
i have.

there was still a slight ache in my
foot as i left the room.

but that's okay.
i can handle a slight ache.