tuesday's child

we're making tuesdays the day we'll
be putting up a new recording on
the 'me and little t' story button.

gonna call it tuesday's child!

there's a new one up today. just over
three minutes. you can check it out
on our homepage. top right, big green
button, you can't miss it.....

if you want more, there's a little 'more'
thing right there on the button, hit that
and it takes you to the archives.

if you're doin' your own inner child work
and want to check it out, come on over!

i just happened to be standing at a different angle...

lying has been a theme in my life for the past
several weeks. in key areas i've watched it....
in several different people...and it's made me crazy.

today i saw it from a different angle.
from the angle of what it does to the people
around the person who is lying.

i have seemed to concentrate on the person who's
doing the lying and how that affects their whole
life. and yeah, that's totally connected to the
people around them not being able to trust them
and all that....but the concentration seems to
still be mainly focused on the liar. trying to find
compassion for them. trying to find understanding.
trying to find forgiveness.

but this morning i musta been standing at a different
angle watching. and in this instance i saw the
person getting lied to.

it so sucks for that person.
i felt a lot of different emotions about it.

and then i stepped back and looked.
that person has been me. i've been lied to plenty.
(who hasn't??)
but i don't think i ever gave myself much time
to concentrate on what that does to me.

i mean i hate it.
i resent it.
i dislike the person for doing it.
and i knew all that.

but when i look at this other person now.
the other person getting lied to.
and i look at how they get yanked around,
and how they're trying so hard to do
what's right and see what's right and they get yanked
around without consideration....i can see how much
that has got to hurt and do harm.

then i flip that on me.

i'm always tryin' to find compassion for the liar.

this morning i bumped into compassion for the person
being lied to.

it's a big deal.
a lot of important things inside that person get hurt.

no wonder i don't want it anymore....
it sucks.

life has enough real honest struggles.
who needs other people's garbage like that?

hmmmm.....
i don't know.......just think that i've hit
some kinda limit i didn't know about.

and i wonder where it will take me.....

keep tryin'.....

wow, i woke up agitated from some really
agitating dreams.

as i walked i could just feel it.
amazing as i felt so calm and gentle inside
yesterday.

it's not a bad thing tho.

i can see i really want to make some changes
in my life. my dreams were filled with things
i no longer want in my life.

how to logistically make the changes tho?

if they were straight forward things, i would
just make the changes.

ah, but is anything straight forward???

i sit back and hold my head and think 'how??'
because it seems too overwhelming to find a
solution.

well.....i guess that's where the moment by
moment theory comes in.

these things involve other people in my life.
i have no control over what they do. so, short
of walkin' out totally on these people, i can't
figure out what to do.

what if i just take it moment by moment.

and from moment to moment refuse to accept less
than what i feel is healthy.

i think i can do that.
i've been trying to do that.
and i just feel more and more impatient with the
situations.

maybe that's the natural course of things.

and maybe i just need to keep at it.

moment by moment.

the sunglasses by the door.....

yesterday felt monumental to me.
i was lucky enough to have some time alone
driving so i could sit with it and feel it
and think on it and just hold it.

this whole path of learning to love....
what the heck do i know about it?
nothing.
i just wander and try and scrunch my face,
scratch my head, and try a little more.
i don't know what i'm doin' or what i'll find
or what it's about or where it can take me.
i just know i want to follow the path.

well......all of a sudden, there's a turn
in the path.

voomp.

a turn.

woe.

i didn't see it coming.
and having never been down this particular
path before, i have no idea what's out there.

and there it is.

and i'm excited about it.
i feel it's taking me directly into something
i've been kinda workin' on for years. but this
is the direct path in.

it's taken me years.....years.........years.....
to really trust my love for him.
i got that now. i trust it.
so deeply that i've never experienced anything
like it before.

and i'm not even knocking myself for taking years
with this. i kinda think that makes sense.

so now.
we've got it.
doesn't mean we stop workin' on that.
no. don't mean that.
we keep workin' on that.

but now.....
we go to the next part of the journey....

we learn what to do with that trust.

i don't think i ever even knew there was more
past the trust!!

what i saw yesterday was that the trust was just
the door frame holding the door. and yesterday
i opened the door and said out loud 'i want to
go thru. i want to see where this can take us.
i want to open my eyes and see.'

it's like i've had sunglasses on thru all this.
i could see i was goin' somewhere, but it was
shaded.

gently placing my sunglasses on the table next
to the door, i enter...

sitting around the table....

we sat around the little round table
out on the back patio....
she was fillin' us in on where she was
with her journey.

at one point, she cocked her head to
the side and put her hands to her
neck and heart...her eyes teared up
and she said she was really starting to
like herself. she closed her eyes briefly
as she said it.

i could feel the tears coming to my
own eyes.

and then she went quickly into that she
didn't want to sound conceited.

sigh.

i wonder when we're gonna get past that
thought as a culture. when we're not going
to have to clarify that we're liking ourselves
in a good way.....

she relayed parts of her story...and the past
stories from my own journey came whirling in
front of my eyes....

so many of the things she said sounded familiar.

is this every woman who divorces? i wondered.

i sat there watching a beautiful woman beginning
to wake up. and i was so happy for her. she's
a lot younger than i am. she caught it all quicker.
it's going to do her good...she has no idea yet.
but i kept thinking 'just wait and see....just
wait and see.'

there were two younger women at the table.
i wondered how this all looked to them. they were
just stepping into the world of men and relationships.

how do they view all this?
how would i have viewed it at their age?

certainly not like i view it now.

and i guess that's the cool thing about life....
every age has it's own eyes.
and each set of eyes has it's great qualities
as well as its blindness.

maybe that's what being a wise old crone would
be like....finally after all those stages of
different sets of eyes, having one very open
set that understands all the others.

wouldn't that be cool?

an important trick....

there's more than one trick, ya know?

the first trick is communication.
but we all know that that's harder than
it looks.
specially between males and females.

so then there's another trick....
realizing that what they heard isn't
what you said. and you really didn't
communicate it. and believing that when
their response hurts.

and the third trick is choosing to
believe in them when you go to straighten
it out and believing that if you both
understood each other, there would be
no hurt.

that's a pretty important trick.

one i keep learning.

i can't do it with just anyone...
but i can do it with him....

sometimes the beauty of that astounds me.

bucket lists....

so we sat around the table last nite workin'
on our bucket lists. (you know...things to
do before you die...)

it turned out kinda interesting to me as
i saw there's stuff i really can be workin'
on right now that i want. it's not all stuff
that has to be way way down the line.....

i didn't even realize....

really cool questions......

a friend of mine sent me a really cool list of
questions.....

most of them were the kinda things that were
just incredible fantastic reminders.
like.....
if fear were the biggest illusion and the
greates lie of all time, how would you choose
to live?

ohhhhhh pretty cool, huh???

but this one....this one.......it kinda hit
in a different way. like i had never really
thought of it quite this way...

if it were true that everyone you meet is
you in another body, how would you treat them?


that's the one i want to sit with for a bit
today.

i really liked that.

pulling off a beautiful day...

i'm a little bit nervous about today.
it's gonna be a challenge for me to be
love.

circumstances are certainly not at their
peak of perfection, and i'm going to have
to set aside some wants.

part of me is okay with that. and part of
me isn't. and i know that that can make
for some problems.

here's the thing.....
i want to be able to give and be loving.

so my first answer to that is 'okay, get out
of yourself and just do it.'

but.......i know from experience that giving
everything away isn't the answer.

i know that i need to also love myself.

so. the challenge is to recognize that the
time is not optimal for me to get all that
i want. so drop the 'wants' and look at
the 'needs.'

different things.

find the needs.
the real needs.
and find a loving way to touch on those.

and let the wants rest in the corner today.

i think before i would put it all in the corner
over and over again.

and then resent it all after awhile.

i'm learning now that loving others means loving
me too.

and i'm learning that that takes a little more
thought than i realize sometimes.

off to separate the wants from the needs and
then surround it all in gratitude.

i really want to pull off a beautiful day.

ease up woman, it'll be okay...

i was never a big wayne dyer fan.
he says a lotta stuff i like, so he should
be....but i don't know....never been a fan.

but i bought his latest book because someone
who knows me really well told me he's workin'
on what i'm workin' on. and his thoughts might
help me.

okay. i'm in. i'll try.

if i get nothing else out of his book, i've
already got what was worth it. he's got me
thinking about awareness. and that feels really
good to me.

and now this.....i read this and just
breathed a sigh of relief...

'the blossom vanishes of itself
as the fruit grows,
so will your lower self vanish
as the divine grows in you.'

'letting the divine grow within you
involves sincerity, service to others,
kindness, and reverence for all of life.
endeavoring to become aware
encourages authentic thoughts to
grow and appear in your inner world,
and so will your lower self vanish
as the divine grows within you.'
........

i don't know, that just felt like a
big ol' relief to me.
sometimes i think if i try harder
and harder, i'll 'get it.'
then when i'm knee deep in trying hard,
i figure out that's the opposite of
what i should be doing and i need to
let go. and then i finally get myself
to let go.

and over and over again i go thru
this cycle.

this just felt like 'ease up, woman,
it'll be okay.'

i liked that.

stars in the fog....

my past has been haunting me for about two weeks
now. sometimes in my face disturbing me, other
times real quietly echoing inside.

several things happened to stir this stuff up,
and while it's beginning to quiet down again,
it's taken way longer than it has before.....

his stuff has been a huge distraction.
not a fun distraction....but a huge distraction.
i spend a lot of time trying to balance myself
with it and not get sucked under. been pulled
under several times, but have pulled myself back
out....

so there's these two big forces whirlin' around
inside.....both kinda wanting to haunt and eat
at me.....

thru these churnings, yo, zakk and josh have
wandered in and out.

just living.
talking with me.
sharing with me.
laughing with me.
groaning with me.

they're like these incredible bright shining
stars to me. whooshing thru the haze and fog.

they don't know.
i'm gonna tell them today.
they'll smile and nod and maybe give me a hug.
but they still won't know.

to have stars in the fog has got to be one of
the best things you can ever ever have.

i'm so darn lucky.....

a new tool!

awareness.

i thought i knew what it meant.
but truth is, i never really gave it a whole
lotta thought...you know....the different ways
you can have awareness and what you can do with
it....

i tried something new this morning.
i checked in a couple of times with my body.
i tried to be aware of my body's reactions to
thoughts i was having.

and what happened was so cool.....
i totally left the frustrating thought i was
having, and got sidetracked with my body.

i found it a great way to refocus.

i was kinda curious.
i thought i did this kinda thing all the time.
why does this feel different?

and i think what i usually do is try to focus
on my FEELINGS when i'm having certain thoughts.
how you feelin' about that, ter?
and then go diving into those.

this was more of a 'how you reacting to that, ter?'
and then i went diving into all that.

it was an entirely different experience.
and it totally helped me refocus on things i want
to focus on.

i don't know.....was my first dabbling......
but i think i may have found a new tool!

the lessons continue....

okay, he said.
i think we're done with that. i think we
can move on.

i looked over at him.
he wasn't kidding.

no. i said.
you both are saying entirely different things
and neither of you know it.

and then i asked them if they realized what the
other was saying.

no.
neither did.

and so we backtracked and started again.

i feel like i got such lessons into human
nature last nite that i don't even know what
to do with it all.

one of the things that struck me most for myself
was watching how many different ways they did
the same thing.

they're not different than any of us.
we all have got to do that too.

we say 'okay, i'm gonna work on changing this....'
and then we find a way, without even realizing it,
to do the same thing, but make it look like it's
different, or make it look like we're trying.

i was kinda stunned by that.
at one point, kinda outta the blue to them, but
to me it made sense as i'd been watchin' and
watchin'.....i exclaimed 'of course! it makes
sense! you do what's familiar.'

all of us do.
over and over in different ways.
i know i do.
constantly.

but i think what struck me so much last nite
was how we're not even aware of it when we're
doin' it.

makes it kinda tough and frustrating to work
on.

unless, maybe we continually check in on ourselves.
and really really really look.

think it's there to see.....we just need to look.

and i'm not sure we really know that.

allowing

so this meeting was easier.
there was a rough spot in the beginning
where i snapped.
unusual.
but makes a point, anyway. people notice
when i get snappy.

and the rest went fairly smoothly.

i drove home wondering if it was a bad
thing that it was hopeful. does that just
string this out longer and more painfully?

i wonder.

and then i got to thinking of my reactions.

an enlightened being would have the same
reaction no matter what the outcome.

ah, yes.

an enlightened being would know that it's
all okay. it all goes where it goes and it's
all just a process that we go thru.

okay.
okay.
i held on to that.
i got that.
yeah.
i got that.

and then i laughed.

no you don't, ter.
you got that cause this meet up was good.

altho, i gotta say, i'm closer to it than i've
ever been even when it's bad.

yeah, but not cause you're enlightened ter....
it's cause it's not your son.

if it was your son.....you wouldn't be okay.

no. i wouldn't.

and prolly the only way i would be is because
i 'gave up.' was hopeless and just let go.

that's not what the enlightened are talking about.

it's not a giving up.
it's an allowing.

i so suck at allowing.

i was gonna say there's work to be done on that.

grin.

but maybe i just need to allow that part of me.
for now, anyway.

funny how things connect...

lying is fascinating stuff.

it's a subject i've watched closely my whole
life. lying has the power to change lives....
lying has the ability to take who you are away.
you get swallowed in the lies and no one knows
who you are anymore.....including you....
it can become such a part of you that you never
find your way back. you lie to yourself so much
that you don't even know truth from fiction
anymore.

dramatic?
yeah.
seen it happen?
yeah.

i've also watched people who know they're dealing
with lying, try to deal with it. there's a lotta
different reactions.

one of the worst, i think, is the pretending they
believe the liar, humoring them just to make it all
easier.

suddenly all the interactions become fake.

oh, it's fascinating stuff where it all leads.

because of some of my history with this stuff, i feel
what i'd call a 'drive' to be real. i want to be
authentic and honest.

and so when i find myself sitting at a table getting
lied to straight at my face....the patience level
is pushed.

i know we'll get nowhere if i get up and say 'okay,
i'm done.' and i know that if i can hang in there, i
have a chance of helping....and so i sit there and
keep trying....and i play the game.

i hate playing games.
hate it.

i let that one slide.
i pretend with that one.
ugh.

this is all feeling way too familiar.

i make a point of acknowledging the lying that has
taken place in the past. i ask how he can ask us
to believe him when he's admitted to lying. i tell
him i don't believe what he just said.

i do that.

but that's mixed in a thousand other times where
i nod or just listen.

i am astounded tho....

lying doesn't work. it just doesn't.
once you lose trust, you've lost everything.

why do people not see that?
why do they create a life around lies???
isn't it obvious that isn't a life???

okay....i'll make space for a confused, hurt,
angry teen. okay. SOME of that is part of the
path....

but how about adults???
i stand totally confused on this.
and then.....i sit down in sorrow.
there has got to be some point where it's just too
late to change.
because if you changed, and became honest with yourself....
maybe it would just be too much to hold.

my heart splits open on that thought.

how tragic would it be to get to a point where it's
too late to live real?

my god, i pray, how tragic is that....

my heart splits open.....and compassion runs out.

i've been waiting for that.
couldn't find it.
only could find anger about it lately.

huh.

funny how things connect.
maybe compassion for one will lead to compassion
for the other.....and around and around it could
go....

keep your eyes to the sky...

it's been a struggle lately for us as a
couple. we haven't had a lotta time for just
us....actually, we've had precious little,
and we're tryin' hard to work some stuff out
in his life that's truly difficult.

we've been exhausted, frustrated, discouraged,
and hopeless at times lately.

after a really frustrating conversation in the
morning, a tentative shorter one in the afternoon,
we had about an hour to ourselves before we
did the meet up we were scheduled to do with
his son.

one whole hour all week....actually, i think we
stretched it to an hour and a half.

and somehow we managed to touch love between us
and really find it and hold it. at one point we
looked at each other both wanting things to be
easier. i had tears in my eyes, he had that serious
look of his.

we both know it is what it is right now and we're
doin' the best we can. we talked of someone who
had some stuff we couldn't even imagine holding with
her sick daughter. we talked of all the hard stuff
people hold. and how ours was easy compared to all
of that. we stopped and felt gratitude for what we had.

as we got ourselves together to go do what we had
to do, i told him how lucky i was to have him. and
i meant it. whatever the obstacles and hurdles and
challenges that we're dealing with right now....if
we hang on to the gratitude, we'll do fine.

no. we'll do better than fine.
we'll be in a place of love.

when i focus on the frustrations, i crash.
i crash hard.

you'd think that'd be enough to keep me focused in
the right place.

nahhhh....i am so hard headed that way.

keep your eyes to the gratitude, ter.
keep your eyes to the sky.....
and fly with the beauty that is there.

forget the mosquitoes...feel the breeze....

i picked up the phone yesterday and the voice
on the other end started right in with 'my aunt
just died.'

i had no idea who it was, but immediately offered
my sympathies. i recognized the tone...
the tone of trying to think and do what you need
to do and deal with everything...and kinda in a
different place.

she was looking for a bone sigh quickly. we didn't
get too far on the phone, she got off to think her
options over and the emailed me last nite.

i got it this morning.
turns out her aunt was a year younger than me.

a year younger than me.

that one hit.

i'm 48.
just kinda figurin' i've got some time.

ya know???

no one guarantees that, do they???

as i look out my studio doors into my back
yard on this gorgeous summer day, i just keep
thinking no one guarantees it.

i had the doors closed. tryin' to keep out
some of the mosquitoes. i have a screen thing,
but it's kinda lame and some days the skeeters
will drive me crazy.

there are no guarantees, ter.
you don't know how long you've got.

i just opened the doors.
let the air in. the sound of the lawn mower
and the birds. the breeze is gently blowin'
thru.

i gotta stop worryin' about the mosquitoes
and start lettin' the breeze in more often.

and i'm not just talkin' in my studio....

focusin' on the gratitude....

feelin' an incredibly odd mix of emotions today.

there's a quiet, strong gratitude running thru me.
thinking of all that i have living where i do.
thinking of what it's like to be a woman...to be
a person in this country...thinking of all the struggles
others have in other countries.

really kinda hitting me. i stand in my den and think
how lucky i am to have a den...well, actually...it's
a studio.

i have a studiio.
that is so darn awesome.

and while i know gratitude a lot..........i don't
think i know gratitude like i really should.
like my life deserves.

i want to hold that gratitude so deeply today.

at the same time there's a total impatience inside of
me for what i perceive as spoiled ingratitude and
game playing in someone near me. the total lack of
seeing what he has. the complete attitude of he's
owed things and that's how it's sposed to work and
there's no need for gratitude.

the frustration i feel over that is intense today.

the two emotions are runnin' around so strongly
that my insides are just hangin' on for the ride.

i can't change anyone.
sometimes i so so so so want to.
i want to change the world sometimes.
i want to fix things for women everywhere.
i want to fix things for people everywhere.
i want to take spoiled little brats and make them
see what they've got.

and i can't.

plunk.

all i can do is land on my rear end and change
me.

make my own eyes open.

they're open right now.

and when i choose to focus on frustration,
i am slappin' gratitude in the face.......

i'm not doin' that today.

nope.
not today.

a really good point....

i woke up from an intense dream this morning.
in the dream i was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
i keep goin' back and forth between thinking
it was ovarian and then uterine. but i think it
was ovarian.

anyway........the bottom line........i was filled
with gratitude for living and life and i wanted
to spend a lot of time visualizing and feeling
really good things in my body....working with
my body and joining with it in feeling the glory
of being alive.

i woke up with that. noticed how incredible
the bed felt. how cozy the covers were.

i restarted reading 'the road less traveled'
yesterday with the guys. he starts the book with
the sentence 'life is suffering' and explains
once we get that concept down, it's not so bad
as we aren't always fighting the suffering.

somehow i think that floated into the dream
of mine....

life is suffering. and in the suffering is the
ability to experience real living.

not sure if i've totally got an understanding of
that so that i can articulate it.

i think i'm just beginning to see what people
mean when they talk like that.

i think they might have a really good point.

embracing that thought today..........

turning frustration into opportunity....

some mornings i actually do it right.
up on time, early walk, trampoline, shower...
my body was lovin' all that this morning.
which was a good thing as my mind was
swirling with frustration and all that
helped.

i'm tryin' to help two people i really
care about. this is sposed to be an intense
week of making it work or ending it.

i'm watchin' 'em both just slide thru and
hope the week goes well.

the week might go fine.
but nothin' else will.
i know that.
they must too....

easy for me to say, i guess.
it's not my work.

thing is......i'm puttin' a lotta effort
into it.

there's a meet up tonite, and i'm bringin'
my frustration to the table.

i won't stay in if we're just gonna slide
thru the week.
they can slide on their own.

i feel real strongly about that.

there's either real effort every day, or
they can go do it their way without me.

and i'm amazed at how strongly i feel this.

i've spent years watching, tryin' to help,
and watchin' them spin what they will how
they will.

i really am getting it's their deal, not mine.

it's taken me years to get, but i've finally
gotten this.

if they are gonna do this their way, that's
okay with me.....just let me go work on my own
life....don't bring me into it.

and i watch myself and grin.
i've come so far.
and i really am starting to value my opinion
and my time. i've run around this circle too many
times to keep doin' it.

i walked thru the frustration, bounced myself
to a better mood, and now am thinking that for
me, it's a good chance to see how much i trust
the process.....and how much i trust me.

i have no idea where they're gonna go.
it could be a really sad ending, it could be a
really long painful ending, it could be a miracle
turn around, it could be a slow turn around.

whatever it is.....
i'm gonna have to be okay with it.
all i'll have to hold onto is what i offered,
whether i was true to myself or not, and if i
gave my best to them and to me.

another opportunity in front of me tonite....
and i'm gonna grab it.

amazing what a little exercise and a cold shower
can do for your attitude!

thankin' cams.....

so all of a sudden i'm gettin' all the
nudges i needed today.

my buddy camille just sent me this e-card

that's from her site, her ecards. (FREE!)

i thought it was so darn cool.
wanted to share.

man, i feel blessed.

what an emotional day it's been for me......

thank you, cams.......

thanking sue.....

over on facebook i asked for some musical
suggestions. i got quite a lot of different ones!

one in the 'out of the box' catagory is a
group called muse.

sue's been tellin' me forever about them,
and i can't even remember if i checked them out
at first or not.

but apparently the nite was right as i looked
up her suggestion of a song called hoodoo.

here's the last section of their lyrics:

And I've had recurring nightmares
That I was loved for who I am
And missed the opportunity
To be a better man
.......

those few lines hit like a ton of bricks.

i didn't get that love growin' up.
i have it now.
i am lucky enough to have it now.
i want to shout that out.
that's incredible news.

and i so don't want to miss the opportunity
to be a better me.

today's been a struggle.
i've had some sadness and not known what to do
with it.

and then i heard that part of the song and just
kinda stopped.

i know darn well what to do with it.

funny how a few lines in an off the wall song
can totally turn you back in the direction you
were tryin' to go in the first place...

thanks, sue.......

cultures

so i found myself sitting on the bleachers
in the middle of redneck life.

we went to a demolition derby last nite.

ohmy.

aren't cultures a fascinating thing???

i sat and looked at these people and wondered
about them.....

then i'd pan out in my imagination and put
all these people in another culture.
they were born with money, raised different
and now they're at an opening nite of a play.
or an opera.

i looked at one pretty girl and thought of how
different her life would be if she was raised
with a different culture.

would it be better?
or just different???

absolutely different.
that's for sure.

i saw a pregnant girl drinking a beer.
made me sad.

i saw a lot of things that made me sad.

but what culture would i pick?

would it be yuppie??

would it be rich and educated???

would it be middle class???

which culture would i pick to be part of?
which culture was i part of??

wasn't sure.

wasn't feeling too much like i fit anywhere.

and the smashing went on.

i'd look at the young guys getting tossed
in the cars and i'd jump every time they hit
real hard. then i'd cringe.
they must be getting hurt.

i tell ya....i have no clue where i fit.
but it wasn't at the demolition derby!

i was so glad i went tho.
josh loved it. absolutely loved it.
bob wanted more smashing and flipping and
fire and action (does the word neanderthal
come to mind??)
it was good to be included.
and the ride home was tremendous.

we had our own little culture in that
car....and i loved it.
at least i fit in there......

happy father's day

the last couple of days i've been tryin' to
figure out if there was something about me
that my dad liked.

hmmmmm......
that sounds pretty sad.
but i don't mean it that way.

this isn't a pity party.
it's a let's look at it party......

when i was young, my dad liked me a lot.
that's cause i knew what my dad wanted and
made myself everything he wanted.

i excelled at it.

the positive that came out of that is i
learned how to read people really well.
i think that's where i got that talent from.
and it's one i'm grateful for.
i've learned not to have to please everything
i read...i've learned just to use it for
awareness.

so that's not all bad.

when i hit around 20 i started becoming
more me.

didn't go over well with pop.

it was a struggle for me, but i felt so strongly
about things that i had to do them.

things that included the ways i mothered,
the things i ate, the religion i left.

he carried a lot of anger towards me over these
things....some of it made sense to me.
like leaving his religion. i understood the hurt.
but what i ate??? and how i mothered? he loved
my kids, thought they were wonderful.
some of it never made sense to me...
but i would see the anger and know something
was pushing his buttons.

but i always fell back to at the bottom
of it all he believes i have a good heart.
that's one thing i knew he liked in me.

well, when i divorced, his belief in my good heart
fizzled and i think we weren't left with anything.

i have been thinking for the last two days.
there MUST be something.

and i honest to pete can't think of a thing.

and yet there are so many things i liked about him.

that situation has helped to feed the self doubt
and insecurities that run deep.

but that's not permanent. that changes with the
work i do daily. that's not a 'let's cry over
that sentence.' that's a 'let's work with that
sentence.'

working with it has played a huge role in me
becoming independent and growing in strength and
compassion.

it's not all bad!

i see the incredibly powerful role of parents,
and try to hold my own role very carefully.

people are parents.
my dad was just a person.
i try to think of what buttons i hit for him,
why i bothered him so much, what is it he needed
in himself that he wanted me to give?

just a person who didn't quite get it down to
what it means to unconditionally love your kid.

not everyone gets that down.
his background....his own insecurities....
they all made him him.
just a person.
who happened to be my dad.

i was gonna go visit his grave today.

i changed my mind this morning.
i was doing it out of an act of respect for
him. i don't believe he's at the grave.
i'm not going to connect with him there.
i was going to show some respect in my heart
to him. to my memory of him.

after spending two days trying to figure out if
there's something about me he'd like and coming
up empty, i decided not to go.

i decided to show my dad respect today i would
do what felt real and honest to me. i'm going to
spend some time today thinking about the things
i like in me. he raised one heck of a daughter.
he may not have known it, but i'm figurin' it out.
and to honor him, i'm gonna honor me.

i'm one of the things of him that's left in the
world....instead of visiting his grave, i'm gonna
visit me. show myself some compassion, show myself
some respect, and honor the good stuff in me that
he helped create.

i'm really hopin' for a good rain storm that
comes when i'm all alone....as i'd love to walk
in it in his honor. he used to walk in the rain...
and i loved to see that.

he was a good guy. he really was.
just a little mixed up on the inside.

i'm gonna try to get a little more unmixed on my
own insides....in his honor....and in mine.

and i'm gonna hold him in my heart with love.

happy father's day.

lessons at the table

i came home feeling so tired i couldn't
believe it.

all i had done was sat there and talked.

no, that's not true.

i sat with total concentration for
three and a half hours. intense trying
for three and a half hours...

i saw stuff neither one of them saw
or will see.

i guess it's always like that with the third
person who's not directly involved.
they can see some stuff that the others can't
as easily.

so many communication misunderstandings.
too many, more than likely.

they aren't kiddin' about communication bein'
the key.

but ya know, i think for the first time i really
see how complicated that is.

behind good communication is more than just
sayin' the words the other person can hear in
a way they can hear....

it's the ability to know how they hear.
it's the wanting to know how they hear and process.
it's the strength to reach out when you're beat
in a way that's not natural for you, but the only
way they'll hear.

there's all this and plenty more.
the trust, respect and honesty we talked about
over and over again are mixed in there in so many
ways......

for everyone.

i have shaken my head before over how badly i
communicate with some people. 'we just communicate
really really badly.'

oh yeah, ter?

what exactly does that mean???

hmmmmmm........i think more than i thought it did.

lessons for me everywhere.

and them? we keep holding them close and trying....

right to the core....

ran down to my elderly neighbor real quick.
the construction guys cut her phone line by
accident.

dropped of my cell phone for her to use.

told her i couldn't stay as i was off to
finish a few things before my 'meeting'
today....

she knows all about it.
the ins and outs.
and what i'm tryin' to do.

she looked at me and said 'tell him that
the very first thing that he needs to
do is love himself.'

i just stopped and looked at her.

yeah.
yeah.

that would be the very first thing.

and that, right there, is the problem.

i wonder how i can weave that in so he
can hear it.....

i doubt i can.
but i'm gonna try.
i am so gonna try.

i walked back home shakin' my head.
she went right to the core of it in
a heartbeat.

it's gotta start with self love.

everything has to start there......

songs

yo's got a song playin' in the other room
that's so full of anger and pain....

i love it.

to me it's such a psychological song.

it's about a kid who's been molested by
a priest.
it's dark and ugly and full of anger.

and i really really like it.

why???

cause i think it conveys the devastation
someone would feel. it covers the anger and
the hatred and the feeling of not wanting
to forgive and wanting revenge. it covers
hypocrisy and complete frustration.

it's real.

i guess if there was a complaint about it
it might be that the song spreads hatred.

i don't see it that way....
i see it as touching someone's real feelings
and acknowledging them.

you can't touch what you haven't held.

ya gotta work with that side too.
music seems an awesome way to reach that
stuff....

it's actually become one of my favorite songs
because of the way it touches in so incredibly
on something so hard deal with.

there are so many sides to us.

of course, i want to help the kid out in the
song and teach him about moving forward.
grin.

but that's a different song........

curious

two people i love dearly are struggling
with huge issues.
the issues that are so big that the only
way you get thru is by locking up part
of you and functioning the best way you
can.

i know this one as i've done it before.

it's when the world is positively crumbling
and changing and if you don't hang on
somehow, you will fall into the abyss.
so you hang on by turning on the autopilot
mode and getting thru.

i know this one so well that i can sit here
and actually go to that place and go to that
feeling and recall what it's like so clearly.

i wonder if it's ever really possible to be
so okay with the losses of life that you really
just accept them and don't need to close off
part of yourself.

i wonder if that's the goal?

i don't know.

is it?

i gravitate toward the goal being 'becoming
love.'

what the heck does that mean???

i think i need to really sit with that and get
it more concrete.
'too fuzzy' my dad would say.

maybe the goal is 'becoming knowing.'

if you know....if you know it's all okay.
losses, change, sorrow are all part of the
journey...if you know somehow it's all holy....

if you know it's all holy.......

maybe then you won't close off part of you?
and maybe opening all of you to all things is
becoming love???

embracing it all.......knowing the holy.......
maybe somehow that's being love???

i have a quote that totally comes to mind:

'maybe it's not about the darkness.
and maybe it's not about the light.
maybe it's about the knowing.
the knowing there is sacred always.
even when you can't see it.
maybe it's the knowing that's the holy part.'

i have no idea.
but i sure am curious.

lessons from my yo

i have a meeting in front of me today that
feels daunting to me......hopeless.....and
a bit heartbreaking.

what a thing to look forward to.

i have been surrounding myself the last
few days in the magic in my life for other
reasons. and it's felt so good.

i keep reminding myself of that magic....
not to discount it and to know the unexpected
can happen.

tryin' to hold on to that.
but still felt discouraged with this meeting.

saw yo yo as i was getting ready for my walk.
asked him if he wanted to join me.
he so pleasantly agreed that i could feel
my spirits lifting just because of his
nice response.

over and over again i am reminded of the power
we have in the tiniest of acts.

our responses all thru the day mean more than
we choose to know.

hmmmm....something to remember in that meeting
of mine.

so we walked and talked and goofed.
and my spirits lifted.

i am committed today to watch my responses,
and be aware of the potential of each one....

over and over my sons teach me....
i just love them so much.

we're not crazy....

amanda posted a really gracious comment just a
bit ago, and i read it and smiled.

she thanked me for helping her realize
she wasn't going crazy and she'd be ok.

funny, i just wrote a note to someone recently
thanking them for doing the very same thing
for me.

i honestly, honestly felt such relief that
yeah, maybe i wasn't crazy....i got that relief
by reading a book.

funny, huh?

we're not.
we're not crazy.
we're strong and resilient and growing
and learning.

it just doesn't feel that way so much sometimes.

amanda's in the middle of some pretty dark
darkness. and those times really do feel so
alone and scary.

if we could only know that we really aren't
alone. if we could only just know that and
hold it.

there's another magic button i wish i had.
i wish i could let everyone know that.
heck...i wish i could let me know that sometimes!

here's to helpin each other remember we're not
crazy! and we'll be okay!

givers and receivers....

was thinking about giving this morning.

there's quite a range of 'receivers' out
there to give to.

i've got people in my life who are just
so incredibly grateful for things you do
for them, they can't thank you enough.

i've got people who i believe are grateful
but they just can't say much about it.

i've got people who don't even notice.

and i've got people who i never quite
give enough to or it's never quite good
enough.

whew.
what a range.

i tried to give recently, and i had the
sense that it just wasn't good enough.

i thought of that this morning.

i'm a people pleaser. try real hard to
please. long stories with that....

i try to watch things now. make sure i'm
doing what i'm doing for healthy reasons
not to try to please the planet like i used
to. make sure i don't give me away in the
process of pleasing.

i think a whole lotta women (people?) deal
with that one...

so i caught myself wanting to go back to
the giving i just did and 'tweak it' a bit.
make it better. make it something more of
what they wanted.

um.
stop.

hello???

what is it they really want, ter?

and i realized what they really really wanted,
i honestly could not give.

all i could give was what i offered.

and so i resisted the tug i was feeling.

what was it i REALLY wanted?

what was REALLY causing the tug???

was it because i gave wrong?
was it cause it was perceived wrong?

was it cause i just really wish they'd
see me and accept me?

um.
bingo!

and there lie some pretty deep roots to
the people pleaser.

thing is....i've dealt with these roots a lot.
untwisted them. untangled them, looked at them,
snipped some of them.....i know them very very
well by now.

and so i sat back and thought about giving.

when you give ter, it has to be for YOUR reasons.
and it has to be for your highest good.
what's the reason you are giving?

is it to give?
or is to get?

don't give to get....it just doesn't work on
so many levels.

give to give.
give what you can.
and let it be.

it's then up to the receiver to do what they will
with the gift.

and it is a gift.
perhaps the receiver will never know that if you
don't.

my inner circle

i was trying to figure out the healthiest
way to deal with some stuff swirlin' around
inside of me.

a buncha sadness and a definite feeling of
needing to isolate. i could feel the pull to
go wallow....
and deep down i knew there had to be something
better than wallowing....

somehow i stumbled onto the visual of the
circles.

it's like i have different circles in my life.
there's my inner circle that is my center
world. and then there's outer circles. some
overlap a lot, some just touch in a tiny bit.

one, i thought, i wish didn't touch in at all.
but then i stopped and thought that thru.
not true. that one has birthed bone sighs and
so much of my writing. couldn't have had all that
without that circle. so, okay, it's good
it's there. as long as it's not touching a lot.

so okay, i visualized the circles.
and since last nite, several different things
have happened that have felt like 'magic' to me.
and i thought of that magic.

that is all contained in my inner circle.
that's where the magic is happening right now.

so....instead of closing off to everything
(which i feel like doing) i decided to just go
hang out in my main circle.

just so happens, circumstances today will force
me to step into several of the other circles.
including the one that i want very little to
do with.

so i pictured stepping into those, doing what
was required, all the time knowing i was going
back into the magical center ring as soon as
i was done.

and then i started picturing stepping into the
other circle with a cloak of magic gathered from
the center ring. and holding it around me while
i was there.

suddenly, it all started feeling doable.
and then.....more magic happened.

my elderly neighbor hollered from her door.
i went up to visit. she looked so frail when i
first got there. scared even. medical things are
happening for her and she's feelin' wobbly about
it all. we sat and did the serious conversation
laced with laughter.

she had given me a four leaf clover just a little
while ago and i told her that as soon as she did,
my business had picked up again! we joked about
magic.

hmmmm........

i looked at her face as i was getting ready to leave,
like i always do. i love to see the change in it.
she looked so much better. that's always magic to me.
as i had sat there with her, i consciously thought
she was sitting in my inner circle with me right then.
think it did us both a world of good.

i walked out and saw a construction worker who said
'goodmorning terri' and made me turn my head. i had
no idea he knew my name.

a neighbor drove by and he stopped and we laughed
real hard together over some dumb joke.

and then another neighbor drove by joking with me about
me conspiring with the gods to make it rain on the
construction workers. and we laughed.

i walked into my house laughing.
i had left on my walk teary.

believe me......i'm gonna watch for the magic
that shows up today....and i'm gonna hold it.
i'm gonna stay close to it and hover around it.
and when i have to step away into that other circle,
i'm gonna take a wand, stuffed with some of this
magic with me.

and then, i'm comin' right back, baby.
cause that's where i wanna be today.

the whole

at first it got my adrenaline going.
something that happened today.
it really agitated me.
and then it just got me sad.

i've been tellin' myself to refocus and
find the understanding.

but haven't got there.

i was just about to turn in a little early,
and just kinda go sleep it off...
when i got this email that couldn't have
been more amazing to me.

a woman turned 40 a few days ago and
was struggling with the 40 mark and where
she was in life.
a friend gave her one of our bone sighs
for a present.

and she said it summed up where she was
with things.

she sent a note out to friends and
included the picture of the print and
the quote.

i was stunned.
i remember writing this quote.
i wrote it about the very same things
that are haunting me tonite.
i wrote it in trying to get by some
past stuff that was hard.

i'm mostly by that stuff.
but now and again things come up that
hurt a lot.

tonite i felt alone and sad with it.
and then i read this note.

and remembered where i was when i wrote
it. and the print reminded me that i want
to make my life beautiful.

and the refocus finally made sense.
but in a different way than what i was thinking.

i'm gonna refocus and give myself a little
compassion. show myself a little self love.
look at how far i've come......and keep on
goin' towards the beauty.......

i'm not going to refocus and try to understand
them right now........i'm gonna try to just
love me a little first. and then i'll move
to them.

but me first this time.

i have tears runnin' down my face.

sometimes the magic of the universe just
astounds me.

'she could never go back and make some of the
details pretty. all she could do was move
forward and make the whole beautiful.'

it's raining it's pouring.....

the supervisor's already stressed to the max.
they're behind on the street project and it
just keeps raining.

they were workin' away today when it started
to pour. they worked a bit more, but had to
call it quits.

he was parked in his truck in the middle of
the road. he had just had some run ins with
some cars that wanted to use the road and
couldn't. there was horn honking and a lotta
negative energy happenin' out there on my
little street.

i pictured his stress level as he sat in
his truck listening to the pounding rain.

i grabbed my big multi-colored umbrella
and headed out in my denim jumper, my nobby
knees and my bare feet. even i thought i
prolly looked like a kid.

i wanted to go remind him to relax and not
stress it. that that wasn't good for him.

i walked up to his truck window and there
for a moment, i got the gift of the day...

first time since i've been talkin' to him
for weeks now that i saw all the stress
leave his face. he looked at me and laughed
and there was nothing but delight on his
face.

he laughed and said 'what on earth are you
doin' out in this?!"

'saw a bit of a stress happenin'....
thought i'd check in.'

his phone was ringing and he was dealing with
delays....i didn't stay.....just smiled,
patted him, and waved see ya later to him.

but walking back to my house thru the streams
of muddy water i was thinking how cool it was
to see a moment of just fun on his face.

the rain is pouring down on my roof right now.
i'm not a bit sorry they got slowed down.
it secretly tickles me.
okay, maybe not that secretly....

but i can still be nice.
and those flowers on the machinery??
still there, boppin' up and down with the raindrops.

they're making me weird.....

i've been tryin' to work with him...
tryin' to keep the channels open between
us....which includes relating a bit,
ya know????

he's all testosterone.
ohmygosh....
ALL testosterone.
it makes relating a little hard for me
sometimes...but i try.

we chatted this morning on the phone
and he told me about this awesome cool
vid he saw of some guy crushing pans with
his bare hands.

what is wrong with men?!!

so i joked with him a bit about it and off
he went runnin' with it all....just like he
does with this stuff.....

he talked of working out with weights and
buildin' up to crush pans too.

there was a lotta enthusiasm about muscles
and lifting and that kinda thing..

and then he says all bright and cheery...

'we have lotsa pans here. anyone breaks in,
i'm all set i can just crush a pan and use
that to defend myself.'

'forget the pan,' i said seriously,
'you can just crush his skull.'

oh man.

that is TOTALLY uncharacteristic of me.
and he LOVED IT!

he said 'oh! you're right!!!' and then he paused
realizing *i* said that. 'that was a really good
one' he told me. like he was encouraging me.

i laughed.

then i went up to do math with zakk.
he reached over pulled my nose and turned my face
towards his. still holding my nose, he looked at
me, aimed a pencil right close to my eye
and said 'don't make me poke your eye out, mom.'

and we both just started laughing.

i looked at him and said 'what is with you guys?!'

and my girlfriends wonder why i slug them now
in the shoulders when i see them!

living with teen age testosterone can really
make you weird.....

holding the compassion

two interesting conversations with friends
yesterday. later i pulled them together and
thought about them....

there's someone in my life that i struggle
with.

sometimes i'm fine and accepting.
other times i feel a deep and profound dislike.

i have searched thru this awesome personality book
i have and found this person's personality.
there's a line in there something like- this
personality can bring even the strongest ceo to
their knees with their head games.
something like that.
and i loved that line.
cause i have been brought to my knees more than
once......and to read that helped.

what i'm not comfortable with is the level of
dislike i am carrying around.

i think it's fine to dislike someone.....
but when it hits the profound deep level, what's
goin' on?

i think when i go there, i've stepped out of the
trying to see and understand mode into protect
and even wallow mode.

because when i see and understand......i can feel
compassion.

and THAT is why i'm not comfortable with the level
of dislike i'm carryin' right now. i do not feel
compassion.

and, ms. ter, how can you be love without compassion?!

oh great, great, great.

i gotta put all that darn negative stuff down to
try to understand again?!!

jeesh.

negative is sooooo much easier.

but there's a goal to reach for......
and so today i will work on putting the negativity down.
and holding the compassion.

anger buttons

oh man.
i was pretty sure he was gonna be angry
and frustrated with me.
i stepped in without checking with him
and may just prolong an ending that needs
to happen. and that may just be more than he
can handle right now.

he may really be angry.

and i sat with the idea.

anger scares me.

in my world growing up anger was a complicated
thing.

it wasn't okay for me to have.
when i had it, i was either bad or selfish.

and when others had it, it meant they could
take their love away from me.

anger is one of those real interesting topics.
one that's good to look at how it's played a
role thru life.....

i've looked a bit, and know it's a complicated
button for me.

so the thought of him being angry with me scared
me.

i sat back. thought of the buttons. looked thru
the fears. knew they didn't fit in this relationship.
trusted that.
and also knew.....i did what i felt was right.
no matter who gets angry with that, i need to always
always do that. and i would do the same again.

there's some great quote i've seen on a bumpersticker...
something like 'speak your truth even when your voice
shakes.'
i love that. cause that's me.

my voice will shake all the way thru speaking my truth.
it scares me to do that.
i've lost a lot in doing it.
i know you can lose things by doing it.

thing is.....
i know what you gain.

so i got comfortable with the idea of him being mad.
well...kinda comfortable.

when he called and asked how i was i said 'nervous.'

and he said in the softest voice, 'i cannot believe
you think i'd be mad at you for this...you only helped.
thank you......'

tears welled up in my eyes.

i was so relieved.
and yet....i knew i'd handle the opposite reaction too.

and THAT was the best feeling outta the whole deal.

loving the best you can....

i wasn't going to call him.
i had already reached out a few days ago
and gone over and sat and talked eyeball
to eyeball with him. within an hour of
that conversation, he made it clear nothing
had changed.

why talk again??

he doesn't know, i kept thinking.
he just doesn't know what he's doing.

i so firmly believed that that i called him
and tried again.

he was receptive to talking which helped.
i explained what i saw in different ways.
'does that make sense?' i kept asking.

'yeah...but....i still don't think....'

let me try again.

i think he got it momentarily. then lost it
again, then got it again.

i was never quite convinced, but in the end,
he reached out and showed it mattered to him.

was a big step.
actually, a monumental one.

a few years ago i woulda been sure it was
enough to make it all work. i woulda been
hooked on an outcome and invested in it.

i'm not there anymore.
it's not about fixing it anymore for me.
i'm not sure it can be fixed.

it's about knowing that no matter what happens,
i gave them both my whole heart.

that hasn't been easy for me.
i have been filled with resentment and frustration
and i know i will be filled with that again and
again....

the idea of letting it all blow up and finish
almost seemed a relief...

but relief isn't what i want outta life.

loving as best i can is.
and so i tried.....

and i think i may be the one who gains the most
from it.

loving the best you can in all instances.
sometimes that seems so easy.
sometimes that seems sooooo hard.

quiet, silent giving....

i passed him all day. here and there stopping
to say something and check in for a moment,
then off to help keep things flowin'.

but i'd notice every time i passed him and
heard him chattin' with someone he didn't know.
he just kept movin' around talkin' and tryin'
to be friendly.

i watched him reach out to two people who have
been totally rude to him. he still got rude
back this time, but he tried. then he went on
to other people with his famous 'whatever'
attitude that i love so much.

he hadn't planned on stayin' all day. he had
some major problems goin' on. had things to
deal with.

but he stayed for the whole thing and afterwards
a bit. then the problems got to be too much and
he had to go attend to all that.

at one point he plopped down in the living room
with my kids and i heard him say 'i am definitely
an introvert.'

i laughed as i walked by. he was really reachin'
beyond himself.

what a tremendous giving he gave to josh and i.
he was present all day and tryin' hard to be part
of the event. when he had every right not to even
show up. or to be distracted and leave early.

i think of the two that have been so rude to him....
how they have no clue what a cool soul he is.

no one knew he had problems going on. he just kept
it all party attitude.

and i wonder....how many other people had some real
things going on that were just tuggin' and tuggin'
at 'em, but they offered themselves anyway to the
gathering.

the quiet, silent giving that you never see......
something so important not to forget....
something i felt so blessed to know about this time
and just watch.....
and to all the stuff i didn't see.....to know it was
there and hold it gratefully...

housewarming....

so many people came and loved my josh,
i was thrilled.

it was definitely a house warmed with
love!

i heard so many nice things about him
that it just filled my heart.

what totally impresses me is that students
of every age range from kid to older adult
have amazing things to say about him.
and they actually took the time to show up!
and then they'd stop me and tell me.

he had worked with two different realtors,
and both showed up and stayed way longer than
i woulda ever figured. and both told me how
fun it was to work with josh.

i watched, listened, held it all.....and
looked at his house....which is now officially
a home.

he's gonna do okay, that kid of mine.....

and it felt mighty good.

family unit stuff

it's josh's big day.
his housewarming.
altho, it's josh....so he has to do
it in his josh style.

it's a 'ribbon cutting ceremony'!
he's got the ribbon set up, the ceremonial
scissors, and a speech!

oh i'm laughing just typing it.
i love his sense of fun.

it's going to be quite a day.
i couldn't feel more proud or more lucky.

the best part will be when it's all over
and it's just us pickin' up, snackin' on
the leftovers and rehashing the day together.

this family unit stuff can be really cool.

craziness

once again, i get a front row seat in
watching some really hard stuff that
is so unnecessary.

the thought 'this really doesn't have
to happen....' keeps running thru my
brain.

and yet i know, i can't stop it.
all i can do is watch it crumble.
and watch two people i care about get
deeply hurt.

it makes me wonder about pain.
how much of it is something that
we create and that really doesn't
have to be there?

i think a lot.
an awful lot........

and i think that's something worth
looking at.

helpful tidbits

ohhhh found a helpful tidbit to pass along.
it's about working with empathy with yourself.
it's from the book 'i thought it was just me'
by brene brown.

i'm gonna snag sentences here and there to
give you the idea of what she's sayin'...

'one way that we can increase our self empathy
and the connection to ourselves is to explore
and acknowledge our strengths as well as our
problems or limitations.'

'i can go thru almost every one of my 'faults'
or 'limitations' and find strengths. the purpose
of doing this is not to dismiss the issues
we'd like to change or invalidate our problems,
but to allow us to work on those from a place
of self worth, empathy and connection......
we cannot change and grow when we are in shame
and we can't use shame to change ourselves or
others.'

so concrete example....
'i can shame myself for being too worried
about my daughter all the time or i can
reframe that using my strengths and focus
on the fact that i'm trying to be a good
parent and i'm a very thoughtful, involved
and conscientious mother. from a place of
self worth it is easier for me to think
about how i might be a better mom if i
reality check some of my fears and recognize
that i'm doing plenty to keep her safe
and happy.'

thought that was really helpful.
wanted to share!

life stories

i just read the obituary of a friend's dad
who died.

this friend and i shared childhood together.
the real childhood....the neighborhood stuff.
the pretending and playing and singing and
growin' up. the early stuff...

i remember him singing a cigarette jingle
in my friend's garage. i can still see him
singing it......

i remember him having a baked potato for dinner
and being stunned that he was allowed to just
have that....how cool that was to me.

we knew each other from when we were six
years old. i'd been in house, knew his parents,
and hung out with him.

and when i read his father's obituary, i was
stunned. i didn't know any of the stuff in there.
not any of it.

well, of course you didn't, terri.
you were a kid.
what were you gonna say? tell me your life story?

okay. so there's no beating up on myself about that.
of course i didn't know.

but what it makes me think of is all the life stories
that surround me now that are waiting for me to
hear and listen to....

how many do i really know?

time to listen, i think.....

a delight filled knowing....

long complicated story....
where the bottom line made me gasp.

i shook my head in wonder yesterday
and told myself out loud:
NEVER EVER DOUBT THE POWER OF REACHING
OUT!

the connections that we don't even
know about....the stories of other
people's lives.....there's so much
mystery out there...

we just gotta throw in as much as we
can to the pot and let it all mix as
it will....

and then stand back and watch.

i remember many years ago hearing
carolyn myss say on an audio recording
something about how we gotta get away
from saying 'oh my gosh' with surprise
and go to 'of course!' with a knowing
when we see magic happen.

i'm still in the ohmygosh stage!
always gasping with delight!

i think i've been afraid i'd lose the
delight of i had more of a knowing about
it.

that's so silly!
i can have both!!!!

a delight filled knowing!

yeah....i'll work on that.....

compassion for your self.....

just a quick thought on compassion for the self.

i read a little in bed this morning (ahhhh!
what bliss!) and mixed thru it all was the
idea of having compassion for your own self.

that whole theme needs much more exploring in
my life!

wanted to throw out the concept in case i'm
not the only one!

get the wheels turning.......

gonna try to be self aware enough the next
few days to watch for this.....
and see where i can go with it.....

the back up team....

josh's housewarming is tomorrow...
so there's been extra scurryin' around
over here.

the guys and i spent a few hours in
the middle of the day yesterday helpin'
him get his house all ready.

at one point, josh, zakk and i were in
the kitchen and right out the window
we got a great view....yo was mowing the
grass. calmly walking back and forth with
that mower.

'i totally envy yo' josh said.
i NEVER look like that when i mow the lawn.
'when i mow, rocks shoot up at me, i'm sweatin'
like a pig, cursin' the mower.....'

we all started laughing.

last nite i was tellin' yo the story.
zakk was in the room and started imitating
him walkin' back and forth with the mower,
kinda like a mellow zombie or something.

we all were laughing....

all day yesterday i was filled with that
feeling i get with these guys....the feeling
of one incredible team. and the realization
that this is rare and i'm blessed enough to
be part of it.

i usually just think about how lucky i am
to have them.

yesterday i was really filled with how lucky
they were to have each other too.....

to have a back up team that will see you thru
anything.....

if you've got that.....well...you can handle
anything, can't you?

i really need to remember that.......

cookies...

i was barefoot, ankle deep in mud and water with
a bag of garbage in my hands when yo reached out
the door and handed me my cell phone.

i reached for it,put it to my ear...
how you doin'? he asked.

oh, i'm a miserable incompetent standing in the
mud, i answered. then i laughed. how you doin'?

he said he was also feelin' incompetent and
wondered what i was feelin' that way about.

i'm not tellin', i said. you'll laugh.

but i did tell him.
i can't even make cookies, i said.
then i went off on this whole big thing.....
everyone can make cookies.
i USED to be able to make good cookies.
now i can't even make a batch of anything....
and on and on i went.

he was boggled.
why in the world would anyone beat themselves
up like this over cookies, he asked???
go to the grocery store and buy some!!!!!

we laughed and talked about stuff.
why he felt incompetent, we joked about
the two issues together....and then....
i had to go as my cookies were burning...

as i cleaned the kitchen i wondered what was
up with me.....

it wasn't the cookies....
it was my image of me.
i used to be the home maker and really did
a lot of cooking and baking and taking care of
the house and family.

while i don't do that a whole lot any more,
i still thought it was part of me.

but you know what?
i don't think it is.
i'm just so not into it.

and....well......i felt like i lost something,
i think.

like it's one more thing i lost in the life
change i had.....and i didn't want to admit it.
i guess i just didn't want to add one more loss
to the list.

i finally came to my senses.
silly girl......so???
there was a time for that.
it's not what you want to spend your time with
now....
that's a good thing.....
movin' forward.....
doin' what feels good....

who knows....there may be a time it comes back.
grandchildren time, someone suggested.
and yeah, maybe.....

and i know it sounds crazy, but i actually
stopped and said goodbye to that part.

i really did.
it felt like something i needed to do.

and turned to embrace who i was now.
and even that felt like something i needed
to do.

go figure.

all because i screwed up some cookies.

the power of a moment.....

what an odd memory popped up on my walk today.

i was an elementary school aged kid, riding
bikes with my parents. my parents were riding
a little bit in front of me, but i could hear
them talk and see them real good.

we rode by an african american woman who seemed
like she was maybe 20. she was standing at
a bus stop deep into the neighborhoods.
wasn't a main spot.

we lived in a pretty much all white neighborhood.
wasn't til high school when i finally saw a few
african american families move in. and this was
in the end of the 60's prolly, maybe really early
70's.

we rode right by her and i saw my dad look at my
mom with a concerned look on his face. there were
some guys that had gone by and were still visible.
my mom looked at my dad with equal concern and told
him that she saw tears in the young woman's eyes.

so we turned around. and stopped.
they checked in with her and my dad offered to stay
with her while my mom and i biked home to get the car.
then they'd take her to a place where she could catch
the bus faster....

the part i most clearly remember is the moment where
my parents looked at each other with concern and then
decided together to turn around and help.

on my walk i was grinning, thinking of this young
woman standing there with my dad. my dad could be
incredibly crotchety, eccentric, and ornery...and yet,
he had this amazing ability to be charming and to
do exactly what needed to be done at times to make
everyone feel at ease.

really an odd combination. and i know he kicked in
and did good.

while that was the fun part to think about...
i realized that the part that i wanted to really
look at was the impact that loving act had on me.

i still remember it.
and i think what was so strong about it was that
they were totally totally on the same page with it.
no hesitations between them.

that was unusual for my parents. there were usually
different outlooks on most things...even tho one
would support what the other said, you still knew
that it wasn't totally unified.

i think the very fact that this was so solidly
agreed between was the thing that burned that into
my memory.

i doubt anyone but me remembers this.
my dad is gone. i'm pretty sure my mom doesn't
remember it. and i doubt the young woman does either.
maybe she does....

i think tho, that was a pivotal moment for me...
helping others is right. it's just what you do.
i'm sure i learned it all the way thru, but i doubt
anyone had any idea how important that moment was
for me. or why.

how many moments are like that?!
we sure know the bad ones! but there's so many
good ones too.....

the power of every action is something we forget.

and it's something i'm remembering this morning.....

audio

i got side tracked this morning in the
middle of my blog...

we just sent our newsletter out.
and there was a few snags here and there
to fix....

and the big news is we got the audio
together.
well, mostly....
there's no button on the website yet
for it....you gotta go thru our newsletter
or this link

there's three recordings.
one's kinda long....and i just found out this morning,
has a glitch! it's a small one that will only confuse those
who are really really listening....
i'm gonna leave it for now.....

and then two shorter ones.

putting my voice to the stories was very difficult
for me.....seems to put it in a whole different
personal realm....

but what the heck!
i'm puttin' it out here for anyone interested....

and now i'm gonna go hide.

flower power....

the construction workers in my neighborhood
have found their way into more than one blog
here....

i've been tryin' hard to get used to them,
accept what they're doin, not blame them,
and yeah even be friendly.

i was walking today and said good morning to
different ones...and i noticed how friendly
it's all gotten.

it's helped a lot in my dealing with the
intrusiveness of this whole project.

last nite i went out to the three different
machine/truck things they parked in front of
my house and put a goofy, perky fake flower
on each one. i figured they needed something
pretty among all the mud and destruction....
i twisted the stems and aimed the flower right
where the driver's face would be!

somehow this all had me thinking about life this
morning.....

i KNOW the more positive outlook towards these
guys has helped me with the whole thing....

so how about life?
how about when something else that feels
intrusive and destructive comes along?
how about tryin' to find something in it
to come to terms with? something to make the
going a little bit easier?

kinda got me thinking today.....

a new tree!!!!

so there we are, climbing on the construction
vehicles.

they parked them in front of my house. in what
used to be my yard. and then left for the day.

i couldn't believe it when i saw them.
laughed and told the kids they were rubbing
salt into my wounds!

hmmmmm......well, as long as they're there.....
i definitely saw a photo op!

so off yo and i went....climbing aboard and
taking pictures of each other!

the photo session got cut short. everything
happened at once and people needed our attention.

one of the things was the ups man drove up.
with a box.
for me.

hmmmm......a plant???

hmmmmmm..........
imagine my delight when i opened up a small
red oak tree!!!!!!

an oak tree!!!!!!!!

oh man.
man.
man.

laughter....tears of delight.
deep sighing in appreciation of this woman
who sent it......

and what wonderful timing!

i've got trees to plant.....soon.....very soon.

and i've got the world's most amazing people
in my life.......

thank you, sorrow, you totally rock!!!!!!!
and so does my new tree!!!

it felt right...

thinking of believing in someone.
(see post below)

i do believe it's the greatest gift
you can give anyone....

i also know that when you stop giving
it, it's one of the saddest things ever.

i've consciously stopped giving it to
different people in my life. and never
without sorrow.

was thinking of that this morning, and
felt a deep sense of compassion for those
people.

i was amazed at how deep and how strong.
i've felt compassion for them before, but
this was different.

deeper, stronger, and it didn't seem to
be tied to anything else.

i so would not want to live what they live.

i can't offer them belief anymore....
but i can offer them compassion.

it felt right to feel it there this morning.

the dance of mothering....

walking and thinking about the dance of
mothering...

and how hard it is to sit back and watch
these guys of mine deal with their own
struggles.

mothering, i thought, has never been easy.
there's always an awareness, a watchfulness
that goes on....

that part of me doesn't rest. that part of
me is always on call.

and now, when i try to help one of my sons,
i think hard of what to say. i think hard
of the balance of helping and hindering.

and as i walked, i remembered the idea of
trust.

home schooling taught me this big time....
over and over again i was reminded to trust
their process. that when they were ready,
they would get what they needed to get.
it was my job to keep the doors open, and
offer guidance, but the most helpful thing
i could ever do was trust that they'd get
what they needed when they were ready.

that lesson was never easy to get to, but
over and over i would remember and step
into it.

again this morning, i remembered.

trust them.
believe in them.
know that they will get what they need to get.

that really is the best thing you can do for
anyone isn't it?
give them your total belief in them....

i will let him know today that he's got that.

and then i'll just step back.

it's a dance i wonder if i'll ever stop doing....
and it's a dance i wonder if it ever gets easier...

sharin' a dream....

i'm with heidi.....
when the tug's really strong, follow it.

she was tugged really strongly to share
a dream. because she thinks the dream
isn't hers. it's for someone else.

i want to help her spread it....
take a moment and go check out heidi's
blog

helpin' her spread this reminds me of
something that hit me strong yesterday....

the working together to share things....
how important that is.
what an incredible network and strength
that can be to other people....

just something i'm grateful for....

here's hoping that if that dream is
meant for someone, they find it.....

here's knowing they will.....

eighty eight?!

i think somehow my age clock has gotten
stuck at eighty.
i don't seem to realize the people i
know who are past eighty are past eighty,

kinda odd.

it's also kinda odd the amount of people
i know past eighty....

when i called him to say hello last nite,
he told me he was EIGHTY EIGHT!

eighty eight?!!!
how'd that get by me???

he's amazing.
sharp as a tack.
spry.
full of life and good fun.
interested in all kindsa things.

he reminds me that getting old doesn't
have to be all horror stories.
oh, he's had trials....
but he's happy, and he's living and
he's enjoyin' his life.
learnin' stuff on the computer.
workin' with digital photography!

we laughed a bit, and i hung up inspired.

there really is so much to learn, so
much to do.....so much to live!

gulp.

early walk...good thing too as the thunder's
rollin' in.....
one thing's for sure, i can definitely see
more sky these days....
i miss my trees, but i'm concentratin' on the
sky.

got a good quote last nite...

'all true things must change, and only that
which changes remains true.'
(carl jung)

finished my midlife book!

a standing ovation for kathleen brehony
and her 'awakening at midlife.'

she ends the whole thing with the story of
rumi and shams...
'shams is said to have taken rumi's books
and thrown them into a fishpond.
'now,' he told him,
'you must live what you know.'

gulp.

woe....

ohhhhhh i just saw this from my daily love quote...
it's from elizabeth gilbert who is one of my heroes!

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit,
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
the person who shows you everything
that is holding you back,
the person who brings you to your
own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most
important person you'll ever meet,
because they tear down your walls
and smack you awake.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and addictions,
break your heart open so new light can get in,
make you so desperate and out of control that
you have to transform your life,
then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

covered deep....

talkin' to yo and zakk at breakfast...
brought up the question on opening.
(see posts below)....

we all agreed that people start out
open...little kids. they're open. but
that that gets covered more and more.

zakk mentioned that maybe some people
have it so covered that being open isn't
part of them anymore.

hmmmm......
or at least that they realize.

cool point.

so.
of course it made me think....

what things did i 'come down' with
that i've covered so much they don't
feel like part of me anymore??

and do i want to unearth them???

hmmmmmmm......

spectator/participant

i've been worried about him.
he's been having a really hard time.
he dropped me a note this morning to
check in....and explained to me how
he's felt like a 'spectator' to life
instead of a participant.

oh wow.
oh wow.

i stopped on that one.

i remember when i got the word 'victim'...
it was so exciting.

i could look around me and see so many victims...
people who just weren't gonna change what was
goin' on because they felt helpless.

then i'd notice when i fell into victim mode.
i'd catch it and be awed by it.
wow.
it's so easy to fall into.
and then when i'd see it, i could change it.

here's a new one!
spectator/participant.

it's got a bit of a twist to it......
and i think it can be equally as helpful.

gonna watch now.
to see who's participating around me and who's
spectating.
and gonna keep an eye on myself.
when do i switch from one mode to the other.
and why?
and how's it feel????

ohhhhhhh new words! new concepts!

what are you today?
spectator or participant???

good question, isn't it???

figurin' out open

hmmmmmmmm........

maybe i need to figure out what i mean by
opening. (see post below).....

not hiding.
not protecting.
just being.
sharing who you are.

i have found the times that i feel like
i 'connect with the source' are the times
where i lose myself, and totally open.

'losing myself' would prolly be defined
as forgetting that i'm a me. that i need
protecting and hiding and guarding....

so yeah.......
yeah......
opening to me is a way to 'the source.'

can someone get there a whole different way?
well, yeah, i would think so.
would be pretty arrogant to think my way's it.

but will the different ways include opening
of some sort.

they would have to wouldn't they???

i've got some mulling to do......

never assume

i woke up thinking about her.
wow, does she go thru most of her days
guarded with walls? wow....i think she
does.

i rolled outta bed wonderin' what's
the point then? isn't it all about opening?

then he called and somehow it came up.
how he had to shut down here and there.

okay, i totally get we have to shut down at
times to get thru, to take care of ourselves.
heck, i'm the queen of that. can do it in
a heartbeat.

but the opening stuff......i thought we all
wanted it.

don't we??

i thought about it as i did some stretches....

okay, ter, you know darn well everyone works
differently. what's important to you doesn't
have to be important to someone else.

yeah.
i grabbed that.
yeah.
okay.
got it.

no.
no.
i don't have it.

it slipped away.

and now i'm confused....

i think there's set things that are part
of being human....the need for love, belonging...

what about being open????

isn't that kinda our original state we all want
to get back to???

i really don't know.
i thought it was. never even questioned that.

i totally get not being able to at times...and
i don't know anyone who has a life filled with it
all the time......

but now i'm wondering......
does everyone want it?

never assume, they say.
and i just realized....i have been totally assuming
this one.....

hi, i'm your body....

okay.
i'm in, i tell myself.
i'll work on this body stuff.........

okay.
well.
hmmmmm......
now what?!

i thought it would be cool to do a visual
with little terri.
i just couldn't do it.
i resisted and resisted and resisted.

okay.
maybe not.

and so i walked and just tried to tune
in to my body.
feel the steps, the strength in the steps....
the bounce, the stride, the arms swinging...

yeah.....maybe i need to start by tuning in.
doesn't seem like you can even start, ter,
til you do that.

and i smiled...

introduced my body to myself....
hi, i'm your body, nice to meet you.

whew. guess i have a ways to go.....
but it feels real good to try.

love, respect and bodies...

hmmmmmmmmmm.......being the pain in the
neck observant partner that he is,
when i mentioned to him on the phone
this morning that i want to grow the
love and respect i have for myself,
he didn't miss a beat when he said
'the perfect place to start is your
latest quest.'

he worded it that way as his son was
right there, and he was respecting
my privacy. which is funny as i come
and type it all up here....

my body image!

oh man.
as soon as he said it, i felt myself
get scared.

laughing at the reaction here.

but he's right.
talk about a perfect place to start
watching your level of love and respect.
and perfect place to see where you need
to tweak....

man....this should be way interesting....

fertile ground

thinking about the ground of trust and
respect we've got under us (see post below)
and i'm thinking that's such fertile ground
for growth.....

in the example below it's with my partner...

but it doesn't have to be with a partner...
it doesn't have to be with anyone else...

ultimately, it has to be with yourself.

do i have that ground under me for myself?

no.
i don't.

and i totally want it.
living it with him, i see how important it
is.....how expansive it is.....

i want that inside me.

not sure how to get it.
but i wrote a note. put it on my desk.
to remind me to be aware this week....

'fertile ground' the note says.....
and i grin....

that's gonna be me!

trust and respect....

i can't even imagine talkin' like this
with anyone else....and yeah, i guess it
takes a whole lotta trust....

when he turned to me and asked me why i
thought he did a certain something, my
eyes locked on his. really? i asked.
you really want me to say?
yeah...he did.

'i think with this, you're selfish.'

and he sat there and thought about it.
turned it around a bit, asked me a few
things....and held it. owned it.

wasn't too much longer when i found it my
turn to hold the self absorbed bowl.

no, tell me, i insisted.
i really really want to know.

and he told me. and it was hard to hear....
but it woulda been harder not to.

i thought about it, turned it around a bit,
asked him a few things...and held it.
owned it.

it was a blip outta the day where we stopped
to do a little work.

and then....the day kept going. we kept laughing,
talking, loving....

i don't think i ever really experienced trust
and respect like this before...

i don't think i can ever accept less again....

the dance of family

so the guys sat helping me with the recordings.
(see post below)
and i really felt shy.
and they responded so gently and kindly....

i was thinking of that this morning.

i love what the four of us have.
how we can take our vulnerabilities to each
other and know it's safe.

i love the jokes that come from growin' up
together and inside goofiness.

the knowing how we're doin' from just the
tiniest change in expression, that other
people don't catch. but we all know cause
we're so used to each other.

the waiting til other people have left,
to check back in on that expression change.

the knowing of when to back each other up
and be next to each other in a tough spot,
or to step back and give some space...

the dance of family.

altho.......i never had this before.
it doesn't just come automatically.
and you're not guaranteed it.

i do know it's a gift.

and last nite as i squirmed with vulnerability,
i was so aware of it. and so thankful for it.

i am really really lucky.

offerings

it's a business of offering yourself, ya know?
and sometimes i close my eyes and try to ignore
that part....cause it's not always comfortable.

i saw myself squirming in front of my boys last
nite and thought here i go again....

i'm tryin' to be business savvy and do the things
i need to do, right? the boys have been nudging
me to do audio again. we used to do it.
and a friend nudged me into twitter.

twitter feels silly. but i'm sure i'll get used
to it. maybe. i signed up, but don't have a thing
to say. josh seriously talked to me last nite
about the reachin' out i could do.
on twitter???
okay.....maybe, i'll try......

but the audio....oh my gosh....
what the heck do i say?!
zakk looked at me, grinned, and said he didn't
figure that'd be a problem.

bum.

but what do you say really quick that's an
offering???

and then it just sorta happened.
these little snippets of me and little terri.
but i just don't see how they'd make sense
to anyone. so i'm really really shy about
them. there's no straight out logical reason
for them....and they're real things to me so
they're really really personal....i feel
vulnerable and shy and silly.

bob looked at me when i was tellin' him that
and said 'that's never stopped you before.'

another bum.

i recorded some last nite at josh's.
and as the boys sat there listening to them,
i felt sooooo shy.

i have come up with a goal for them.....
i want to make them offerings for people working
with their inner child. i want to make them
something that would make you think about
connecting with that little one inside....

and that actually feels worthwhile to me.
but to try....i have to really offer myself.
sometimes that is just sooo vulnerable feeling.

and i was thinking about it this morning.
what if they just totally suck and don't do any
bit of good, i thought. what if they make no
sense to anyone else and no one can possibly
relate???

well.....then.......you offered what you could.
you offered what you had.

and that's all that you can do.
and maybe THAT'S the part that matters.......

still shakey about it.....
but gonna do it anyway.
cause i believe that part.
it matters.....

side benefits....

i've been paying attention to my cycles
more and more.
watching for changes, shifts, things goin'
on. at forty eight with warm flashes poppin'
in here and there, i figure i should pay
attention.

i've been tryin' to watch my emotions too.
if it's the particularly trying time of
the cycle for me, i decided to try to be
patient and give myself some time before
i decide to kill everyone or whatever it
is i want to do...
just wait a week, ter. and if you still feel
like killing them, then go for it.

while, i think that's helping a little bit...
(everyone's still here without a scratch!)
i think that what's happening are things
i didn't plan on....and they're good things.

one, i'm learning patience and trust a little
bit more. 'wait a week and see how you feel'
really does wonders for pacing yourself and
stepping back and watching. at least for me
it does. i've always been 'gotta deal with it
now!!!!'....and this actually feels really good.

another thing that's happening, is i've started
watching all parts of the cycle. and i see
different moods come in and out some linger
longer....some go way too quickly...

and somehow it's helping me appreciate the
moments more. appreciate the moods while i've
got them, and know it's okay that really
cool profound one left, it'll be back. and
ohhhhh i wish that peaceful one would stay
longer....but yeah, it'll be back again. it's
okay. and ohhhhh this cranky one's back? well
that's okay, it won't be here forever.

and then, prolly the biggest thing that's
happening is i'm learning to step back and
watch myself. and accept myself where i'm at.

ohhhhhhh.......
that's new to me.
my toes are just dabblin' into that water.
but it's happening....

and it's kinda cool.
gosh, all this came just cause i thought it
might be good not to kill everyone around me....

kinda nice side benefits!

rain...

a walk in the rain....
exactly what my spirit needed this
morning. some neighborhood quiet....

still i feel like i saw every construction
worker in his truck go by!
one stopped to give me credit for walkin'
in any weather. another stopped to tell
me i was going to get sick walkin' in the
rain....
i just looked at him and smiled.
nahhhh, i told him.....it keeps me healthy.

really, it keeps me sane.

finally, they all seemed to leave and the
place was quiet. i walked and watched the
rain fall down. it was falling with a slant.
i love that....

i started thinking of the hurts and pain of
life as rain....and then got distracted looking
at a beautiful yard and thought of all the
growth that the rain was bringing to the greenery
everywhere.

and i thought of that.....
is it the same for the rain of life?
for the pain and hurts?
does all that bring you growth too?

yeah, i guess it can, i thought.

huh. i wondered.
do we need the rain of life like the plants
need rain????
i hadn't ever thought about needing pain
and hurt before....i mean really needing it
as part of the cycle....

but oh, ter, before you get carried away with
this, remember.....floods come too and wash
everything away. it's not always a growing
thing.

life too.
i thought.
and i thought of the people i know who had
truly truly been flooded. some were washed
away....some still hangin' on to a log.....

does anyone really need a flood??
i couldn't find my way to thinking they did.

but a little rain....well.....maybe.
don't know....
was a new thought....

as i walked home i lifted my face to the
sky and let the rain drop on my cheeks.....
if i could get this comfortable with the rain
of life, i sure would be doin' good, i thought....

thursday tidbits!

ha!
found tidbits that i had to share!
they fit in so nicely this morning.....
all come from just a page and a half in
'my grandfather's blessings'....

'there are only two kinds of people in the
world - those who are alive and those
who are afraid.'
(rachel quoting a woman with cancer)

'sooner or later we will come to the
edge of all that we can control and
find life, waiting there for us.'

'perhaps it is only things we fear we
wish to control.'

and finally, quoting roberto assagioli
'there is no certainty, there is only
adventure. even stars explode.'

mmmmmmm.......
liked these a lot........

lessons from a body....a person i don't know.....

so somewhere very close to my house,
more than likely when i was sleeping,
a person's life ended.
more than likely violently.
more than likely way too early.

and there it lays near the highway....

it's over for them.
at least in this realm.

if that was me there'd be
no more cryin' over trees.
no more laughin' with the kids.
no more worryin' about them.
no more listening to their banter.
no more chance to tell bob how much
i love him. no more looking at his eyes,
touching him, loving him.
no more family frustrations, throwing
imaginary snakes off my legs to get by...
no more financial worries....
no more tryin' to figure bone sighs out.

no more nothin.
well, nothing HERE anyway.

in my mind, i went and sat on the corner
of the highways.
sat in a clump of weeds, next to where i
pictured the body layin' there....
just a vague image as i can't handle what
prolly really happened....just a vague
image......

you remind me of all i have...i whisper.
you remind me of all i lose every moment
that i don't pay attention....

and you remind me of all i yet want to do.

and in my mind, a spirit soars overhead
and whispers, go.....live it.....
take your gift and live it.....

for whoever it is who left this planet...
for whoever it is they found...
may your spirit soar....
and may i remember what it is you remind
me of today.......

a cozy inside day......

i went out determined to get in a good walk
and get in a good space in my head.
yesterday was just sad. i wanted to just
get a grip and move forward today.

i stepped out and my favorite neighbor
hollered over. he needed a jump.
no problem. except to get over to his
driveway across the street...there was
a traffic jam.

huh???

what's with all the traffic i asked him.
his eyes got big and said he had no idea.

jumped.
parked.
started my walk.
traffic seemed to slow back down....quiet again.

okay. that was weird.
get down to the construction guys.
two different guys stop me to tell me to
be careful. lots of traffic.
they found a body down at the corner of the
highways....rerouting traffic.

ohhhhhhh........
ewwwwwwwwwwwwww........
ughhhhhhhhhhh.............

hmmmmm........
a body???

oh man.

i start walkin' again.
really glad i'm not the body.
then the traffic starts up big time.
like a highway. just goin' down the other
block.....

i stop.
okay.
this isn't gonna work.

boy do i feel invaded.
first the trees.
now the traffic.
where's my quiet little country street???
i so wanted a really good walk in.

i'm frustrated, bugged, and upset.

wait a minute, terri.
you're not the body they found.

you're not the body.

and who knows who is out there still...

ugh.

suddenly my cozy little house seemed like
a pretty good spot to be.

i'll walk later, i thought.
mmmmmm......then i thought again about who
knew who was out there.....

mmmmmmmm.....maybe not.

today's just gonna be a cozy inside day,
and i'm gonna appreciate not bein' the body.

and they're down...

so i sat on my little front stoop and watched
the skinny guy who had to be all muscle take
my tree down...

young. full of himself. testosterone leaking
out his ears...

great.

i felt like i had to be there.
i just didn't want to not be there.
i don't know why.

they took the oak down piece by piece.

i sat there and thought of all the fun we had
under that tree. it had our basketball hoop
on it. all the hours sitting under it on
the street as the boys learned to bike ride,
and play basketball and skate....

times change, i told myself.
we move on....

and then, later, they came and took a few more.
one of them is just stunningly beautiful.....and
there it lay across my front yard...

even laying there like that, you could see its
beauty.

i just watched from my living room at that point.

i found myself hoping the machine's that shredded
them clogged up and broke.

i thought it was all quiet. everyone had moved
on down the road. i quietly walked out of my house
over to my neighbor's driveway across the street.
i wanted to see what my place looked like from
that angle.

i stood in the middle of their driveway and i
heard the supervisor's truck backing up all the
way down the sreet, coming my way.

sigh.

maybe if i stand here real quiet, he'll go away....

nope.
there he was.
rolled down his window and shouted over 'sure
looks different, doesn't it?'

big sigh.

but then he made a comment about trying to save
a tree....i could see he was trying.

i walked over to his truck.
i tried back.

and we talked for the longest time.....
about the work they're doin'. about people
reacting with each other. about progress,
trees, and about life.

he told me about his lung problems as
he puffed on his cigarette.
i asked him about that. why he still
puffed.
asked about fear, about health, about trying,
about coping....

viet nam came up.
and again, i asked about fear, about health,
about trying about coping...

and i saw a lot of things he just wasn't
going to let out....things he had 'under
control.'

things i could see cause i looked.
things he doesn't know i saw.

when we were done, i looked at him and
thanked him for trying to make it better for
me.

i know he tried.
in his own way. he tried.

and now, i'll just have to turn to the trees
that are still there....and get to know them
better.....

what a world....

a soaker day...

the nurse's kiss,
the construction worker's caring look,
the tight hug we shared,
the soft email he wrote,
the laugh she gave me...

every single day there are so many moments
of love.

sometimes when i go really down deep
inside, i just sit and soak them in.....

today is a soaker day.

holy moments

when the nurse bent over and kissed her
on the cheek and told her what a great
job she did as we were preparing to leave,
i just kinda stood still and held it.

i've watched that nurse every time we've
been there. i really really like her.

i keep thinking how it'd be if i met
her somewhere for the first time and i
asked her 'and what do you do?'
and she would tell me she's a nurse.
or she might tell me she's an oncology
nurse.

knowing me, i'd prolly ask her more about
that and wonder how she copes....ask
her for stories about that kinda thing.

but i don't think i would have understood
the angel that lives inside of her.
because it's not in any big story she could
tell me....it's in every small detail of
her day that the angel comes out.

when i watched her give the kiss on the
cheek, i felt the feathers of her wing
brush against me....

and i held the moment.

sometimes i'm aware enough to catch the
holy moments.

that was one of them......

things change...

first i didn't think i'd even go for a walk.
then i told myself to grow up and just deal
with it.

as i walked by my neighbor's piles of
cut trees, i found myself rubbing my arm...
i learned from yo recently that means i'm
'pacifying' myself. yep.

found myself walking with my hands in my
pockets, head down when i passed the guys
waitin' by their truck. the supervisor was
there.

he looked at me and said 'i hate to tell
you this, but i think we'll be taking your
trees today.'

i looked at him, couldn't say a word, just
nodded and kept goin'.

i think i held off for all of two steps
before the tears started. and then i couldn't
get them to stop.

if only i hadn't seen him. i know he doesn't
care and i just wish he hadn't said anything.

walked. thought about why i was so upset.
i thought of years ago when i was splitting up.
i would walk down into the woods and sit and
cry and cry and cry. i could go there and do
that so the kids wouldn't see me doin' that.
and then they took those woods. i remember how
much that hurt. i felt like they took my safe
spot.

the trees are a place of refuge for me and
losing them hurts.

i thought of the bigger picture of loss and
no control and losing things that matter to you.

as i stood up at my goodmorningworld spot,
i thought about how i don't do loss well at all.

well, yeah, you cry, ter.
and you get really sad. and you feel bad.
so what?
maybe that is doin' loss really well.

yeah, i said.
maybe.

as i walked back home, i passed the guys again.
the supervisor was gone. i was glad.
and there was one guy that seemed to really
look over at me....like he felt really bad.
he turned like he wanted to say something,
and then just didn't.
i just mumbled hello, but i noticed his face.

and it mattered to me.

i really do think he cared and that he didn't
like it either....

and somehow that helped....

shakin' my head

sometimes i just gotta shake my head.
i finished here....feelin' pretty worn out and
beat. not a lotta heart left in me tonite.

turned to look at the stack of mail.
didn't even feel like opening any of it.
saw a large envelope from an elderly gentleman
friend. he's in his 80's. i met him thru
bone sighs. he actually liked them and came
to an art gig i did. we've been friends ever
since.

he's only sent me something one other time,
years ago....
it can wait, i thought.
no, ter.....open it. leave everything else,
but open that.

and there inside are two 8x10 photos he's
taken. and one of them is of a tree.

yeah. a tree.
in the note he enclosed he explained that he
'suddenly happened to look in the right
direction and was taken by the number and
directions of all the branches. i like to
compare it with life, goes in so many
directions as well.'

i just stood there with the note in one
hand, the tree picture in the other.

today of all days.
i'm just so sad about those trees.
and on top of the chemo, it just felt
really bad.

the man hasn't sent me anything in years.
years.

how cool is this?!

the directions life takes......
all the directions......

no kidding.
some are hard. some are sad.
some are great. some are funny.
they're everything.
all directions.

and i don't know.......somehow, i could
feel just a little bit more heart coming
back....i felt like it was a reminder....
there's still magic, ter....
there's still magic.

he invited us down to go visit him....
i think i'm gonna have to do that.

she's done

a long long day.

she's done.

last chemo.

when i hugged her goodbye, i thought
how wonderful she made it thru....

and my thoughts have been jam packed
ever since.....

i'm so full of sad and tired and relieved,
and hopeful and concerned and worn and tryin'
to be a big girl.

she's done.
i hope tonite feels really really good to
her.....

and more fell....

i set myself up big time.
it was an hour and a half drive home.
i turned up at the top of the neighborhood,
where the trees are....
ahhhh i thought.....i missed them this
morning. i didn't get up this far.......
feels good to be home.....

uh oh.
then i remembered.

oh i wonder what they did today.....

and as i drove closer to home, i saw them...
trees down all along the side....

i drove slow.
a neighbor was walking up to one in his
yard that had been cut down.
he had the saddest look on his face.
i drove by slow, looked over.
he looked at me and said 'sad....'
i nodded.
couldn't even say anything.

they got real close to my house. but
they musta run outta time.
tomorrow will be us, i think....

i got out of the car. saw my neighbors
on their porch. pulled out the child
car seat they had loaned me for the day
and walked up and returned it.

i asked them if they saw.....
yeah......

we chatted a bit.

she's a survivor of breast cancer.
she wanted to know how the chemo went
today.

and then i remembered......
i looked at them and said i had to
keep that in mind....when i think of
where i spent my day today, i have to
remember to keep the trees in perspective.
we all agreed.

i'm still gonna cry, i said to them....
but i'll concentrate on our blessings too....

and the first one fell....

so i had some traction, momentum, or
something like that....
felt like if i could just get a good
splotch of time, i could get a few
things straight. only time for a really
quick walk today. just around the block.
but i figure i need one...grab it.
gonna keep the good feelings goin'....

and as i'm full stride headin' to the
corner, i see one of my favorite trees
has been cut down. all that's left is
a pile of some of the trunk....
i stop right in the middle of the road.
ohhhh nooooo.
i knew it was coming. i knew that. but
this is the first. and one of my favorites.
one of the biggest. one i looked at every
day.

i walked over to the pile. touched the pieces.
tears came to my eyes. i kept looking up
where it was. where it used to be. the place
of sky it had filled.....

my head hung low as i rounded the corner.
i shouldn't have walked, i thought. i shouldn't
have come out here.

are you kiddin'? what are you gonna do? hide
in the house and never come out? they're gonna
take a lot of 'em, girl. get over it.
life is change. life is change. life is change.

and i thought of where i was goin' today....
takin' her to chemo today. her last appointment.
and i thought of how i just wanted to fool
myself today. just wanted to be good and happy
and strong and forget change.
wanted to be steady in whatever reality i make
up.

as i walked up the next street, i thought of
how hard i fight change. and how i want everything
to be pretty.

it's not.

you wanted to be good and strong and happy today,
ter.....
then step into that flow.
know that it's not all pretty and it changes
constantly and deal with what's goin' on in
the moments.

i feel like the tree jogged me into the real
world. and as sad as i am, i still feel like
i needed that.

i want to enter my day open eyed to what's
really there. not what i want to be there.
and truth is, today is filled with a lot of
stuff that i don't want to be there.

but it is.
how i choose to live it is up to me.

there are so many ways i run and hide.
and i just don't want to do that anymore.

i want to change 'run and hide' to 'step up
and embrace.'

all of it.
every single bit of it.

and so, once again....i turn to my day
and step into it. holding the tree in my
heart, i go forward.

don't even try it....

so something happened today that felt icky.
i was havin' a good day.
then there was ick.
all over me.
ugh.
bob called.
i told him about the ick.
what do you think i should do with it???
'it's not your ick.' he pointed out.

oh yeah...
oh yeah.......
good point.
why do i do that????
why do i take on other people's ick so
easily?!!!
and so i remembered the snakes....
my visual of other people's ick.
and how i'd toss them off if they started
climbing on me.

i immediately went to tossing the snake off.
bob recommended throwin' it on the highway....
grin.
i'm just a tad more gentle.....i threw it
in the woods.....

later i was workin' on an idea, and i got
to thinking....
there is so little time.....
do not spend your time on other people's ick!!!
concentrate on what excites you, what fuels you,
what feels good to you.

do what you need to do to create your life.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

there's too much good for this ick.....
every now and then since i had that thought,
i'll turn and see that snake slitherin' back
and i'll laugh and toss my head.

i've got too much to do, snake.
don't even try it.

my favorite moment....

it was my favorite moment.
there we were, sitting on a rock
with our feet dangling in the river...
and something made us laugh hard.
and we fell into each other just
leaning on each other and laughing
and laughing......

that is absolutely one of my all time
favorite feelings i ever have with
someone.....

the shoulder to shoulder leaning
on each other thing as you throw
back your head in laughter.

THAT has GOT to be part of heaven.
and we get to have it right here.

i so love that.

believe

she dropped a note thanking me for bone sighs.

i don't think anyone knows what a gift they're
giving when they do that.

she's young. struggling with depression,
survived a suicide attempt a year ago....

she couldn't know.
she couldn't know that i carry such a weight
of sadness about another young woman who
didn't survive.

sometimes i question myself about whether or
not i could have been more help. sometimes
i'm sure that i couldn't have. sometimes i'm
sure i could have. either way, it hurts so
much to think about.

i wrote right back.
told her that she matters.
she's hoping to help others with this.
i know she can.

if i had magical powers, i think what i'd
want to do most is just reach right in and
pop a knowing into everyone's hearts.

a knowing that they count, that their presence
makes a difference, and that they can create
whatever it is they want.

no such luck.
have no magical powers.
and so i say a little prayer as i press
the send button, close my eyes and whisper
to her 'believe.'

if we all could just believe.

a little wrapping today....

we were talkin' on the phone.
i was smilin' big.

he was getting what was goin' on
inside me, and i love it so much
when he understands.

and then he said it...

'maybe you just don't ever have it
until you really believe you do.'

ohhh......
i paused and said real low....
'maybe that's with everything.'

'yeah, maybe it is,' he said.

and i've been carryin' that little part
of the conversation with me ever since.

i got reinvigorated with work yesterday.
had a conversation with friends that
really helped me put some loose strings
together. i felt like things i'd been
puzzlin' with for a long time, finally
were makin' sense to me....

and then this last little piece, which
is hardly little....i think is
the crux of the whole thing....came
thru this morning.

i want to wrap my entire being around
this thought. i want to wrap my entire
day around it....

'maybe you just don't ever have it
until you really believe you do.'