Monday, August 31, 2009

turnin' back the years....

i'm wound up like a nut.
too much to do, lots of good things,
chaos, actually.

gettin' ready to take yet another trip.
just an overniter again. this time to
see his pop. will be good as i haven't
seen him in ages.

he's the same age as my elderly neighbor.
she knows i'm goin' up to visit him.
she called to give me some magazines to
bring to him.

i went down.
sat on the floor next to her chair.
i was too wound up not to have some fun
with her.

i opened up and told her some personal
things that were goin' on.

she loves that.
jumps right in and discusses life with me.

i nodded seriously. agreed whole heartedly
with her assessments of my life and problems.

then we got to talkin' about men.
she's had enough of them.
and we laughed and laughed.

she got all fiesty and told me how she
just didn't 'want any of that.'

i cracked up and started kiddin' around
with her.

she grinned at me and confided in me that
she doesn't talk to the other neighbors
like this.

i laughed, leaned towards her and said
'that's cause we're doin' the girl talk.'

sometimes when i visit her and we carry
on like that, i feel like we're both in
high school.

i find that a little tiny miracle.
she's 83. i'm 48. the age span disappears
and we giggle and goof and share.
and we're both kids again.

that right there....what i just experienced....
that is the stuff of life that i think is

she puts a lot of magic in my life.

my son

he went to new york for a few days.
just to wander and have some fun.
a quick side visit to his gramma.

he stopped by for lunch on his way to
work. filled me in on his stories.

i sat and listened and laughed and
shook my head.

he told me of the guy who worked the
snack bar on the he hated
his job but loved music. and the changes
in his face when he talked of music.
and how it would change back to the
grouchy wall of a face when he had to
deal with the snack bar.

of the cleaning woman he talked to who
sends money back to her country to her
grand kids....'on her cleaning woman
salary, mom.'

of the young teen he sat next to at one
point who also had visited his gramma
and how they wrote a song together about
grammas. and how the kid told him about
how he ate slugs for a dare...

how he chatted with the nun and how she
ended up giving him a miracle medal.

story after story that told pieces of
different lives.

i listened.

he had no idea what he just did.
how he traveled.
how he saw the world around him as
full of people with stories....

it was just natural to him.

and so fun to listen to.

he touches the world in such a cool
way...and yet has no idea that he does so.

what a treat to watch.
what a treat to call him my son.


it's a bit of a wild day today.
really busy, and headin' outta town again
for two days...

i was lost in the whirlwind of keeping up...

i was on the phone with a shop when someone
else called and left a message.

it was someone i met thru bone sighs.
we've only emailed and done some snail mail

there she was. leaving me a message.

her brother just died.
massive heart attack.

she was headin' out to be with the family.
she called to let me know.

she had sent me some of his poetry books.
i really like his work.

hadn't had a chance to tell him yet.

i walked out to my mailbox....
to put in the package i'm sending to the mom
who lost her son....

it's a gorgeous day out.
couldn't be much prettier.

i thought of this woman's brother.
then this other woman's son.

i'm here to see it.
i'm here to feel it.

suddenly, the 'keeping up' with the day

i breathed it in.

we're here.
right now.

have you noticed your day??

my appointment

nah....he wasn't any help.
but then again...he couldn't be.
it wasn't that kinda session.
it was a fill him in kinda session.
give him the scoop from my eyes.

and so i did.

i knew that's what i was goin' for....
tho i wanted him to wave a wand and
make it all better.

no such wand.

i did get something big out of it.
i told the story....he'd back me up on
the really bad parts.
'um....i need to go back to that part'
he'd say.

i'd smile inside.
of course he did.
it's big.
it's horrible.
it's icky.

it's become one more story in a thousand
stories for me....

he reminded me.......
each part of this story was tough.
each part was really really hard.

and i was reminded of how big all this was.

i forget.
get caught up in the struggle.
get tired of it.
wish it would all go away.

it's big.
and it's icky.

and on my way home i looked at my sky
and thought about how i needed to hold it
with tenderness.

how i needed to hold me with tenderness.

life is sacred, i thought.
even the hard...the struggle.....
the journey is sacred....even if it is filled
with big icky stuff.

i remembered that this morning.

bathroom bonding

i get there and sign in.
i see someone signed in for the same
counselor for an appointment right after me.
there's only one other person sitting there.
oh man.
she's gonna wait while i'm in there??
what a drag for her.

i grab the bathroom key.
she sees me grab it, says she's gonna join me.

i don't know what it is, but i just feel
bonded when i go to the bathroom with someone.

so we head down the hallway.
you here early? i ask her. you seein' who i'm


we chitter chatter about light stuff....
but then we meander into it all....

and she tells me that the counselor has helped
her so much. she lost her son and he's been
helpin' her thru it.

26 years old. gets in a fight...gets shot.

three days before christmas.

there we stood in the bathroom.
talkin' about it all.

we went back to the waiting room.
i started tellin' her the little bit i know
about people getting thru losing their kids.
and some of the stuff i've been told.

by the time i head into my appointment,
i so wish i could do something for her....

on my way out, i wished i had a bone sigh
for her. i laughed at myself. not everyone
in the world needs a bone sigh, ter.
doesn't matter....i'm gonna get one to her

why on earth do i believe these can help?

i don't think i really do.
it's not that i think she's gotta have a
bone sigh.
that's not it at all.

i think i believe that they're me.
and that by giving parts of me to people,
i'm touching them the only way i can.

and touching each other is what we have
to do.

i think it doesn't matter if it works each
time. i don't think it can. but i think
it's maybe the whole thing...the act of doin'
it....the act of doin' it over and over...
the act of reaching.....

i gotta reach.

maybe that's what it's all about.

i don't know.
i have to think on that..........

i made sure i got out of there on time.
wanted her to get every minute of her
session. i wished her well on my way out.
and i so meant it.

she told me of the lack of compassion her
boss showed her. i was stunned by the story.

how is it people get that way???
maybe they haven't been touched enough....

i don't know what it is....
but something she said haunted me....
that she's more and more convinced that
the world is a bad place....

i'm gonna send her a surprise package...
and tell her that maybe it's not that it's
a bad place...maybe it's a hard place....
that needs us to fill it with as much love
as we can.


come get me....

got that appointment this morning....
so no time for a walk.
but i wanted to say good morning to the i went and sat on my little
porch stoop real quick.

ohmygosh what a morning!
maybe it's a good thing i can't walk...
i'd explode with the feeling of it all!!!

i realized this morning how much weather
affects me.

when it's cool out, i honestly think the
world is mine.

it's gray but there's these clouds skimmin'
across the sky pretty's cool...
there's a breeze and it's not whisperin'
this's laughin' right in my
face.....'come get me.'

and i actually get to drive this morning!
that's always fun when the sky is talkin'
to me.

i start with a drive to see the counselor...

and i go from there.

i can hear the sky laughing still.....
come get me......

i will.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

a cool story.

i love working with her.
we have similar visions, similar outlooks,
and she's forever inspiring me.

we've done things together for her customers.
fun things. things that are just for the sake
of giving and caring. and we delight in it together.

we finally got an organized thing goin' tho.
where she is keepin her eyes out for someone to
give a bone sigh away to. for the customer who needs
the perk. a monthly kinda thing...altho now, i see
it can't be so scheduled. it's whenever.

we actually got organized about it. and even made
little cards she can slip in with the bone sigh....

she did her first organized give away this weekend.
(the woman has been doin' her own kinda give aways
forever...that's the way she is)....but this is our
first together organized one.
so she wrote and told me the story.

three women together. the older woman looking at one
particular bone sigh and really relating. the two
younger women quietly letting the shop owner know
that they wanted to give it to her on the sly. would
she quietly ring it up? and my sweet shop owner,
quietly wrapping it up, slipping in the card we made
and whispering to the women that it's a gift from
she and i.

as she wrote the story, i could see the whole thing.
my insides were as delighted as a little kid's!

the women were apparently so touched, they bought a
whole bunch of bone sighs!!!

no way, i thought.
how totally cool!

and as she stayed in the shop late writing out an
inventory for me to refill, two people stopped by.
one was a local with her out of town friend. the woman
was hoping she'd be there late as they wanted to stop
and get some bone sighs!

no way, i thought.

and so my shop owner buddy wrote me this whole note.
about our first give away....and how we got our
affirmation that we were doin' the right thing.....

i smiled.

and wanted to share the story.

there is no way that giving doesn't come back.

and at times, when things are tight and i hesitate,
i remind myself of this. sometimes it takes more
reminding than others....but i have always believed it.

and i'm still here.
making it okay.
and delighting in so many moments.

we need to know it.
believe it.
and keep on acting on it.

it matters.


we were talkin' on the phone.
she was strugglin' with her relationship.
big struggles. ones i know to take seriously
and really talk about. and so we did.

i related to some of the struggles with my
own relationship. said i understood. groaned
and laughed about how hard it was at times.

she stopped me at one point and said 'you do
know what you two have together is really
unusual tho, don't you?'

'yeah, i do.' i answered.
and i do.

the struggles are as many as anyone's.
the difference might be that we both understand
what gold we hold. i'm not sure. or maybe that
we both know how easy it is to lose...

at what point do you lose sight of the treasure
that you had been holding? that you ARE holding.
i don't know. but i see it all the time,
i've lived it.

i don't want to live it again.

so we stole our little time away. and we loved
it. not far, not long....but long enough to see
something we needed to see....

while things are still good...there's a whole lot
of healing that needs to happen between us.

somehow the space away showed that to us.
stuff we couldn't get our fingers on for weeks
as we struggled to try, just showed itself to us
this weekend.

someone once gave me one of the best compliments
ever. she told me i was a 'space maker'....that
i made space for people to be.

this weekend was a space maker.
and it reminded me that i have to make those
spaces for myself as much as for anyone else.
i think i forget that a lot.

i remembered this weekend.


in awe of it all this morning........

Friday, August 28, 2009

likin this one..

here's more on love from the road less traveled.

'when we extend ourselves, when we take an extra
step or walk an extra mile, we do so in opposition
to the inertia of laziness or the resistance of
fear. extension of ourselves or moving against the
inertia of laziness we call work. moving out in
the face of fear we call courage. love, then, is
a form of work or a form of courage. specifically,
it is work or courage directed toward the nurture
of our own or another's spiritual growth, and for
this reason all work and all courage is not love.
but since it requires the extension of ourselves,
love is always either work or courage. if an act
is not one of work or courage, then it is not an
act of love. there are no exceptions.'

i love the way this guy writes.
i read that and smiled.
well..let me tell ya......what i got with my
guy is most definitely love!
laughin' over here...

an appointment....

his struggles with his sons have so profoundly
affected our relationship i have seriously
wondered at times if we would weather it as
a couple.

i also see at times how much it has grown
us as a couple. we've gained much....lost
much....and learned a whole whole lot.

we've been in heavy weather for awhile now.
and this afternoon we run away for just a
short time to get some relief from it all
and just be together.

(happily, i won't be around tomorrow to blog!)

i am quite looking forward to this and without
a doubt, we really need it.

didn't think anything could top my delight
about us right now....until i heard the counselor
he had turned to for help and who was also
quite stuck with it all wanted to talk to me!

i immediately called the counselor directly.
practically knocked him off his chair with
my enthusiastic response. i would love to talk
to you! i said. and we set it up.

i've been thinking of it ever since.

and wondering at my reaction.

honest? i don't think he can help.
i honestly don't.
long stories.
but i don't have hope there.

why am i so excited?
why did this get more of a reaction than
my little trip away???

when i thought about it, i realized how badly
i need to talk to someone about this stuff.

i have been goin' back and forth about making
my own appointment with him. come close, then
back away and think nahhh i can deal with it.

now.......he asked me for some input.
so it's my way of helping.
and in the process?
i think i'll get a little help.

i love deals like that.

but here's the thing that has caught my attention

by my reaction it's crystal clear how much i
need this.

how could i not really know?
how could it be something i have gone back and
forth on? when in fact it's something so big
for me.

and.......don't lose this.....
it happened anyway. it sorta took a life of its

that's my favorite part.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

one of those seven things.....

i think i did it wrong.
i think i listed eight blogs instead of seven.
(see post two down)

ya know......
when i saw the directions i knew it was
overload for my brain!

here's one of those interesting tidbits about
myself i was sposed to list....

when i was a kid every single year...
and i mean EVERY single year in elementary
school the teachers all wrote something
just like this....

'terri's a really nice girl, she's just
careless. she needs to pay attention to


some things never change......


melissa's blog

for pete's sake....
i just couldn't link melissa's blog
to save my soul....

(see post below)

tryin this again up here.........

melissa's blog!

got it!

all that linky stuff below totally threw me
outta whack!

an award....

well, it's no secret i love mary.
and not just cause she's the only one on
earth that gives me awards! but she did
it again....she gave me another award.
how cool, huh?

there's things i gotta do when i get this
wonderful honor.....

let me see......

The Kreativ Blogger award rules are:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

that would be mary. thanks, mary....
for always making me feel like i count.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

doin' that.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

random thoughts - by merry me

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.

oh shoot.
ah....maybe later.

5 and 6. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

these are blogs i go to all the time:

josh's blog

melissa's blog

kar's blog

tina's blog

pattie's blog

the almighty heidi

ms. cams

and the artsy blog of ms. denise

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

will do.

thank you, mary! i appreciate it.........


so i went to him.
well.....wrote him an email.
someone who i view as part of the
chain of events that helped to cement
the 'i'm not worth it' feeling inside

and no, guys, it wasn't my ex husband!

he was a friend.
still is.
which is why i could go to him.

told him what was on my mind.
that i needed to shake this stuff that
i can't get out of my bones.

told him i need to figure it out.

and that i wasn't asking him if he
thought i was worth it or not,
because i knew it didn't matter
what he said. it would just be words.

i totally understood that knowing
would have to come from inside me.

so that wasn't what i was looking

told him i didn't know what i was
looking for, but i was looking anyway.

twice yesterday two different men
surprised me with how well they knew me.

he was one of them.

he knew me. understood.
and talked with me.

our conversation gave me something i think
will help me a lot.

i wanted to pass it on to anyone else with
this struggle.

altho, i had it on a very surface level already....

i think he helped me bring it down further
inside myself.

the way i would describe the feeling is
a young girl sitting on the ground looking
up with big, wide eyes. looking up at the
other person asking 'why? why won't you
fight for me?'

the whole concept is centered around the
little girl, her view from the ground.
the other person's angle is never really

intellectually i know that other people have
their own reasons.

but in my heart, i can't get the perspective
away from that sitting on the ground spot.
it's all about me.

the conversation yesterday helped me get it
clearer. helped me see that that angle that
i'm looking at it from is....for the lack of
any better word right now....really immature.

that maturity is standing up and looking at
all the angles. all the people involved.

and i think yesterday, i stood up.

i'm still hazy....haven't had enough time to
really hold it all. but i think it's significant.

i wrote a bone sigh years ago struggling with
this same kinda shows i had the
concept down....but only in my head, i guess.....

it's called 'grace'

maybe grace is figuring out it’s not
all about you.
that people are doing what they’re
doing for their own reasons.
not yours.
and maybe grace is accepting that.

i think i've been workin' with that concept for
years now.

and i think i hit a new spot yesterday.
whatever motivated me to ask my friend,
was deep. and powerful.

i think asking, following thru, trusting that
feeling.....i think there's some power when
you ride on that wave....

and i think riding that wave, asking, and
hearing that it wasn't all about me....

i think it did something.

i'm sure i'm not done.

but for the first time ever....
i feel like it is something that i may
be able to get out of my bones.

and that...that absolutely brings me
to my knees in gratitude.


i got to thinking about strength today.

i thought of something josh just did
with one of his little girl students.

he told me that because of all my little
terri talk, he had learned something about
how to treat his little girl students in

one little girl had come in and was proud
of herself for teaching herself how to
play happy birthday. she was very pleased
and was showin' josh.

apparently, she had it all wrong.

but josh knew enough not to point that out
directly. he praised her for the beauty of
what she did and showed her another way to
play it also. he never ever made her think
she didn't get it right. he showed her there
were lots of ways to do things.

when he told me, i was so tickled.

and i told him that he'd never know what he
just did cause she wouldn't know. but if
he had told her she did it wrong, it would
be something she might carry around for
a life time.

think of all those memories we carry around.
he didn't add to her heap.

and i thought how that was kindness.
and strength.
not adding to another's heap.

it takes a little muscle to go around the
thoughtlessness and to take the extra step.

and then i thought about that muscle. after
awhile, when you do it enough, it's easy.
it's second nature. you don't have to think
about it.

you grew that muscle.

so then you work on growin' it bigger. and
you go to things that are a little harder
for you to do. maybe the reachin' out when
you don't feel like it.....

and you grow that muscle.

and then that gets easier, and you can go on
to harder stuff.

and you keep growin' those things.

it's the same as weight lifting, only the
human interactions are the weights.

i want to tell the guys about this thought.
i know that as young men, there are questions
on what it is to be tough and strong.

i've seen them question that kinda thing....

raising sons has been a challenge for me.
i want to honor manhood....and yet, what the
heck do i know about it?

i guess maybe knowing it from this side....
from knowing men from the outside...i know
what i value in men.

and i can share some of those thoughts.

when josh told me his story, i saw one heck
of a cool young man. who is way stronger than
he knows.....

makes me think of that quote i've always loved....

'lord, help me to be strong enough not to
hurt anyone.'

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

my highlight

highlight of my day....

i meet him and his wife at josh's studio.
we go outside to his truck to look at his
he's brought them to show me.

he proudly shows them off one by one.

we look at each and ohhh and ahhh and
admire the ribbon he won for one of

he shows us the duck he's made.
apparently to make it totally realistic
he needed to actually add some features
in clay.

he explains that to us.

i light up.

ohhhhhhh hmmmmmmmmmmm.....
i look sideways at his wife and grin.
then look at him....

seems to me like that could open a whole
new avenue for you!

maybe you can start sculpting your own

his eyes get big and he looks stunned.

i laugh.

when he's all done he offers to make me
a piece.

it was so kind of him.
i tell him that that's really okay.
but he says he'd really like to.
is there something in particular i'd
like, he asks.

i smile.
and look at him.....

well.......what about a free from sculpture
that you do yourself from your soul???

his eyes went wide again and he backed
up a few steps.

i laughed.

told him to think on it.
i could wait as long as it took.

his wife came to his rescue with another

to figure out something i would like by
talking to josh. and then surprise me.

that'd be way cool, i said.

i don't think that free form sculpture
will happen soon....

but i'm not sure it won't either.

i love that about people.

you just never know.

possibilities abound in kindness.

and there was a whole lot of it all the
way around today......

it's book day! the books are speaking to me today.
this is kinda long....but i loved it.
i have been thinking of love for years now.
tryin' to figure it out. and totally know that
people who have proclaimed love towards me and
others i've watched most definitely are not

i read this and just about shouted to the roof
tops "YES!!!"

'the common tendency to confuse love with the
feeling of love allows people all manner of self
deception. an alcoholic man, whose wife and
children are despereately in need of his attention
at that very moment, may be sitting in a bar
with tears in his eyes, telling the bartender,
'i really love my family.' people who neglect
their children in the grossest of ways more often
than not will consider themselves the most loving
of parents. it is clear that there may be a self
serving quality in this tendency to confuse love
with the feeling of love; it is easy and not at
all unpleasant to find evidence of love in one's
feelings. it may be difficult and painful to
search for evidence of love in one's actions.
but because true love is an act of will that often
transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis,
it is correct to say 'love is as love does.'

love and nonlove, as good and evil, are objective
and not purely subjective phenomena.'

i wanted to just hug this man after i read that.

i guess he touched on a few sensitive spots of


it's m. scott peck from a road less traveled.

just sharin'.....

speaking of gorgeous thoughts...
(and yeah, i was in the post below)

i read something gorgeous today....
from 'my grandfather's blessings' by
rachel naomi remen.

i'm grabbin' it right out of a story
she have to get the book
to read the whole story.

but here's the tidbit that made me stop...

'i was so caught up in the insanities of
the system that i did not remember that my
work is not about changing a world i cannot
change. it's about touching the lives that
touch mine in a way that makes a difference.

.......sometimes when a life of service has
taken us to the fringes of human experience,
what we find there is so overwhelming that
our hearts can break. one might think that
compared to the size of the problem what we
do means nothing. but this is simply not the
case. when it comes down to it, no matter
how great or how small the need, we can only
bless one life at a time.'

i loved that.
just sharin'......

good friends.....

ohmygosh, mary left a gorgeous comment
on the thinking out loud post....

she mentions forgiveness!
ah yes! that's a key to things, isn't it??

i actually think i've been doin' that....
but it's always good to have a reminder.
the part that made my hair stand up was
when she said 'you are in charge. you are
the boss. you get to choose.'


i totally needed to hear that!!!!

maybe you guys did too???

thank you, mary......

and as i sit and reflect on the forgiveness
part of her comment....i'm thinking.....
maybe i really do need to work more there.
maybe i really do....

nothin' like friends.
thanks for bein' mine, mary.....

thinking out loud......

here's some heavy personal stuff to
throw on out there...

wonderin' if other women can relate...

i honestly like myself.
i mean, i can kick myself pretty good
about stuff....and i know i shouldn't.
i can certainly improve here and there.
all that normal stuff.

but i honestly like myself.

and i believe that i would be worth
any fight to keep.

i believe that.

thing i don't believe is that anyone else
knows that.

now....gotta be careful here.
i do believe my guy gets that. and i do
believe he's proven that as well.
so this isn't about him.
altho, with him....i believe it in my head.

in my bones, i'm not so sure.

but honestly, this isn't about him.
it's about me.
and maybe about you.

i know darn well why i feel this way.
string of events that screamed loud and
clear to me that this is the way it is.
people won't fight for you, and they
don't see your worth.

i could lay it all out there in its stunning
glory. it's amazing how steady a message was
sent for a long period of time.

but that doesn't matter.
it is what it is.
and it did what it did.

now what do i do with that???

in my head, i can do all the logic.
i can see all the reasons.
i get that it wasn't about me.
everyone is operating from their own stuff.
i get that.

in my head.

how do you get it in your bones????

how do you get stuff down deep in your bones??

do you live a whole life feeling like that,
or do you change it???

i'm always workin' on changin' things in
my bones.

i feel like i've actually made a little progress
with that in some areas. i know it can be done.

not sure how tho. not sure what combination of
things gave me the progress i got.

i do think putting it out here and sharing it
and helpin' other women see their stuff along
with helpin' me see my stuff....that all helps.
a bit.

but i want the bone changin' stuff right now.
i want to be done with that stinkin' feeling.

i want to scream to the universe 'TAKE IT!
i want to throw it off.
stomp on it.
bury it.
walk away from it.

and i type this....i remember some
of the stuff i've read.....

you have to embrace it first.
hold it.
cradle it.
love it.
make peace with it.

then maybe it can go away.


i hadn't thought of that til just now.....

maybe i should work on that.....
thanks for letting me think out loud.....

sharin' loves...

i've got a date today to
see his ceramics!

i met him at josh's housewarming.
one of josh's adult students.
and he does ceramics.
he's been wanting to show me what
he does.
and today's the day.

i'm not a big ceramics kinda gal.
i've got a few pieces that sweet
uncle ed has made me. and i treasure
them. but i'm mostly more a pottery
kinda person.

so the whole thing intrigues me.

he heard i'm an artist so he wants to
show me his art.

i think that's so cool.

i'm still not used to the 'artist' label.
and then to think that cause of that goofy
label, people want to share their art with's all a little mind boggling.

but the idea that i get to go see his art
have him show me what he does cause he loves
it and is proud of it....and he wants to share.

well....that totally tickles me.

i feel really honored.
and lucky.
and excited.

it has nothing to do with ceramics.
it has everything to do with sharin' someone's

what a gift to have someone say, here's a love
of mine....come look.

i am going to return the gift by really looking.
really seeing. and really appreciating.

and that doesn't feel like a giving at all.
it feels like i do the getting.

life is so cool sometimes.

time to take a look....

i was a bit of an oddball on my walk
this morning.
i headed out early. wanted it to get
light as i walked.

and i felt like i had the whole world
to myself. it felt silent to me.

and when i realized i was feeling that,
i laughed at myself.
for pete's sake, ter.....what about
that big truck that you had to move off
the road for?? what about all those
carpenters you just walked by? and what
about all that traffic that is never
quiet that's all around you up on the

oh yeah.
i forgot about all that.

oh yeah.
maybe it's not as silent as i was thinking
it was.

and i grinned.

so what.

i'll make up the silence.

and so i did.

which musta put me in this goofy state
of mind for when i hit the corner and
saw all the traffic.

look at all those cars!!!

and that voice popped up right away....
for pete's sake ter....they're here
every single morning. why are you surprised??

and i laughed at this voice.
it must be maddening for it to have to deal
with me....

but look at them all! i answered.

and then i started imagining what it would be
like if i couldn't see them.
what if i couldn't see at all???

i stood there staring at the traffic.
all the colors of the cars and trucks. all
the different kinds....

i looked over at the trees.
would i be able to draw them if i couldn't
see them anymore?

how about my tree?
and i looked at the tree that i've kinda
named after me. it's a symbol of me to me....
i should know what that tree looks like
without even having to try....

but then again....have i ever really seen it??

and so i looked.

and i looked at the grass.
the sky.
the weeds.

the street.....

the street totally intrigued me.
all the shades of gray. and all the cracks
and patches.
i walk over it all the time.
'it's just a street.'

ohhh no.
not this morning it wasn't.

i walked home in my silent world...
well...silent in that i blocked the
regular noise....and heard the birds and
the crickets and the squirrels.

i created this whole goofy wonderful
world of just hearing what i wanted to
and tryin' to open my eyes to things i

when i got home, i stood watering my trees.
looking at the water coming out of the
hose. tryin' to see that like i hadn't

some of the construction guys drove by,
honked. i squirted water their way and

back to reality, i thought....

and headed back in. reality time.
but who knows what reality really is?

what is it i'm missing every single day??

time to take a look.....

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

death stuff

he's facing his own death.

it's a lot for any one of us to face.
throw in one heck of a complicated past,
and i can't imagine even trying to
deal with it.

brings several thoughts up for me....

preparing now while i don't 'have' to.


living in a way that is something you won't
regret. dealing with regrets now. and
making changes now that need to be made.

i think of people passing who never get the
chance to deal with any of that....

well.....maybe now's the time.
no maybe about that, huh?
sure would make living better all the way

the other thought...
a bit more complicated....

i watch him shutting someone close to him out.
i think of the reasons why.
there's plenty of them.

but what about this?

what about the anger and frustration and fear
of seeing the end coming? do you get in a mindset
that the world owes you?

that you don't owe the world?
that the world owes you since it's taking your
life away?

i don't know.
but that seems like a real easy place to get to.
very human. and maybe a natural stage to go thru.

so i thought of that this morning.

i thought that was wrong. and the world didn't
owe you. your life is a gift. and you owe that

and then i shook my head on that one.


that doesn't seem quite right either.

and i went back to the 'it's all about you' thing.

maybe the only place you owe anything to ever
is yourself.

but i don't mean in a 'buy yourself cookies and
doughnuts all day' kinda thing.

i mean in a 'become all who you are' kinda thing.

i guess it has to depend on your beliefs.

but i'm thinking, for me, anyway, that that's it.

so at the end....
shutting people out because the world owes you....
well, i know that direction is wrong.

opening your heart to all you can because it's
all about you....well, that feels way right.

and i sit here and wonder if there's any way i
can share this thought with him...

i think of my dad.
i don't think he woulda heard.
that makes me sad.

i think of this man.
i don't think he'll hear either.
and the sadness is there for that too.

so do i try?

and then i think to preparing for my own death.
living now. offering now.
giving and opening now.
changing regrets.

i think maybe i have to.
because then i can't be sad about closing
my own heart.
i will have opened it.

and i'll take the next step too....
accepting that my opening will not always
be wanted.

that might feel sad.
but it sure is different than regretting
i never opened.

Monday, August 24, 2009

remembering the good...

i don't usually do the memory lane thing
about him. sometimes when something funny
comes up with the guys i'll say something
like 'ohmygosh, remember when dad did this??'
and we'll laugh about the fun we had.

i like to do that.
feels healthy and right for the guys to
hear that enjoyment from me.

i rarely do it alone in my mind tho.

tonite, i found myself wandering around my
yard as it was turning dark.

and i couldn't help it.
i started walkin' down memory lane.

he wanted the house because of the yard
for the boys to play in. it really is
a great yard.

he was a tree lover and planted trees
everywhere. but he tried to be strategic
and leave places for running and ball games.
always aware of the play patterns.

i sat in a chair and looked at this one
area we used to play some kooky ball
game. we even hooked up lights at nite
so we could play in the dark and we
would hoot and holler and have a ball.

i smiled as i remembered.
one of his finest points, i thought.
he could play with us and it was fun.

i wanted to reach out and tell him i was
thinking of him...that i remembered the

but i can't.

he's still too angry at me.

i guess i could still be angry at him.
at times i am.

but tonite....i was just remembering a good
time that was really truly good.

and i know the right thing to do is leave him

i know sometimes the most loving thing to do
for someone is to just send love quietly from
your own corner of the world.

the fact that i could do that tonite felt
almost like a miracle.

it's been a long time gettin' to this spot.
and i don't expect to stay in it.

but for tonite.....i can send some love.

and that feels real good on my end.

even if it's quiet and he'll never know.


i walked away towards breakfast,
but had a thought...
about my aunt frances...
(see story below)

what was different.
how she loved me.

i felt loved by my family.
it wasn't like they were nasty stinkers.
they were ordinary, fine people.

but ya that i think about it...
i felt loved but at the same time i always
felt like i could be improved upon.

there was always always always an unspoken
feeling that i could be better.

not with my aunt frances.
when i was with her, i felt like i was loved
and i didn't need any tweaking.
that i was really wonderful just the way
i already was.

i didn't have to grow into anything.
i didn't have to learn how to do anything....

i was totally loved for what i was right then.

THAT was the difference.

and you know.........that's all the difference
in the world.

those are totally different things.

how do i love other people???

do i offer that to others?

cause ya matters.

stuff to think on.....

something to remember...someone to remember...

i was layin' on my bedroom floor trying to
exercise. my heart wasn't in it...
more restin' than exercsin' today....
at one point i looked to my right, under
my bed.


why is everything so dusty?!

i guess i gotta clean under there.
well, at least i don't have a lotta junk
under there...only a few things....

like that sewing box.

why on earth do i have a sewing box, anyway?
i never use it. don't sew.

and then i reached over and touched it.

and thought about how i got it.

when i was young, our vacation consisted of
three days back where my parents grew up
visiting relatives. every year.

i would go with my dad when he would visit
his aunts. so they were my great aunts. i'd
sit and listen to them talk.

my absolute favorite relative of all time was
my great aunt frances.

tiny little lady. shoot, she was like four feet
tall or something. her smile totally lit up
the room, the house, the street. i never saw
anyone light up a place like she did.

and she called my dad 'teddy.'
that right there cracked me up and made me love her.

she was widowed.
i always got the impression she was married to some
real ol' cranky guy. no one ever said that....but
she would apologize for stuff he had done.

i thought she deserved the best guy in the world.
and i always felt a little sad that she was alone.

once when i visited she had a little stuffed dog
you could wind up and it played music and the head
tilted. i sat with that dog the whole time my dad
and my aunt talked. i talked to the dog. wound it
up and it tilted its head and played music to me.

she gave it to me as we were leaving.
just like that. i think she had it for someone
else....but just gave it to me.

i think i still have the dog somewhere....

and then another year, she took her tiny self down
to her basement and brought up this yellow sewing kit
box. she wanted to give me something. and that's
the treasure she found.

i've kept it all these years.

when she gave me something, she made me feel special.
she made me feel like i counted.

it wasn't the giving was the way
she did it.

i felt like she saw who i was.
i felt like she saw who i was and liked me.

what a gift to give someone.
you would think that gift would be given all the
time all over the place.

it's not.

and i have to wonder why sometimes.

she had a pretty sad ending in life.
one of my first encounters with life not being

but that love she gave me is still here.
i don't get fair and not fair.
i don't get life sometimes. i don' understand
so much of it.

but i would have to be blind not to see the power
of love given in small acts.

and that silly sewing box under my bed reminded
me this morning of all that we can offer the
world in such small ways.

something to remember.
and someone to remember...
remembering my aunt frances today.


i have these home made 'angel cards' here.
they're just little tiny cards with one word
on each card. i have them in a bowl and you
pick one for your word for the day.

i have this great story about when i was
just buds with my guy. and how i was struggling
with feelings for him. feelings i so didn't want.
i laugh now remembering it all.

i picked angel cards over and over one week,
the week that it had all come to a peak for me
and it was driving me crazy.
...i picked the word 'release' over and over.
there's a lotta cards to pick from....
so that kinda caught my attention.
actually, it totally caught my attention.
it didn't really seem possible that could be
happening. what are the odds?
it definitely seemed like i'd better pay

i worked on the release stuff.
and i finally felt like i did it.
i finally released.

and that's when it happened.
it all fell together.
and we decided to try to do the couple thing.
it's a long weird story. but one of my favorites.

we've been floundering a bit lately in trying to
make things work smoothly for us in the weird set
up that we've got. there's a lot of logistics to
juggle and it can make it hard sometimes.

again, i've been struggling with my feelings about
it all.

this morning, instead of angel cards, i picked up
a deck of cards a friend gave me. they're called
'angelic messenger cards.'

and guess what i got?



i fell back in my chair and laughed.

you're kiddin.


you gotta be kiddin'.


i think that's the ticket.

and that's where i'll aim for.....


Sunday, August 23, 2009

and the universe hugged me...

it poured and poured and poured yesterday.
i stood at the window hearing it call me
to come outside.
he stood at the window next to me hearin'
his windows at his own home calling him
to close them....

he listened and headed back home to close

i listened and headed outside to feel the
rain on me.

i was gonna walk....but i looked at my
gutters....ohhhhhh......perfect! i can
actually do something practical while i'm
out here! they so needed to be unclogged
in several spots.

nothing better than being practical and
doin' what you need to do while it feels
like playing!

i went around the house to get the ladder
where zakk had left it on his latest secret

smiling, i just felt the rain pour all over
me and it felt like the universe just washin'
tough stuff all off of me.

the ladder is a challenge for me to move.
that sounds soooo pathetic, but it's really
heavy for me. it's one of those metal bendable
ones, only it doesn't fold so easily anymore,
so i walked around the house with this big
ol' heavy awkward ladder i could just barely
move...totally rain soaked, totally loving it.

i cleared the first clogged spot.
whooooosh the water went swooshin' by.
i grinned. looked across my roof and called
out loud to the rain 'look at that! i'm a water
technician! i made it work!'

i held my face upwards....
the rain poured all over it......

i thought to myself 'terri, you moved some
leaves out of the way. hardly something to be
proud of.' didn't matter. i was proud of
myself anyway! it seemed to add to the fun...

i was on my last clog spot when the lightning
and thunder started.

hmmmm......metal ladder.....roof....
i guess i'll head in....

i had just pulled off all the wet stuff,
wrapped in a towel,
wiped up the big puddle i made when the
phone rang.

josh was in the driveway.
he was gonna sit in his car til it let up
just a bit before he ran inside.

my hair dripped all over the phone as
i laughed at him.

i put on some dry clothes, grabbed my
umbrella and went out to escort him in.

'what are you, a wimp?' i joked....
and walked him in.

bob returned and stood there talkin'
to josh. i looked at the dry guys
and thought of what they had missed...

that's okay tho...
it really has to be experienced solo

the universe had hugged me......
and i had hugged back.
and it had felt so good.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


just read a friend's blog about taking
care of herself....

big sigh.

i've been struggling this morning
with how best for me to do that for me.

i wonder why it's so hard for us to
do for ourselves.

i'm thinking hard on what i need to do.

listen to your body, i tell everyone.
it knows.

mine knows.

will i listen?

Friday, August 21, 2009


made this today.....
it felt really good.....

i totally needed it.....

a whopper of a line....

a great line i just heard.
one i'm gonna hang above my desk....

'don't let them take away who you are.'

me and my magnet

i wanted to make something specifically to
slip into orders as an extra little goodie.
something i don't sell. just give away.

that's how these magnets were born.

they sit on the table that i wrap orders on.
and like everything else around here,
after a bit, you stop noticing them. you
just grab them and slip them in.

this morning tho...i stopped and picked
one up. held it. read it. and then reread it.

'why do you look for it over there?'
the voice asked.
it's all inside you.
look within.
embrace what you see.
and dance with all that is you.'

yesterday turned very sad for me.
a friend's story hit too closely to
some of my own stuff. it got confusing
for me. whirling around together.
and i was so sad about the selfishness
of people.

i had a hard time shaking it.
but thanks to a few friends that made
me laugh, i turned the energy around.

but wondered about it all this morning.
and then i stopped to read this magnet.

it's all inside me.
embrace what i see....
and dance with all that i am.

that seems a much better way to spend
my day today....

an all time favorite...

i'm sure i've put this quote up before...
but it's one that can forever be repeated.

i was remembering when i first found it....
maybe something like fifteen years ago!

the kids were little.
we were having a home schooling game nite.
we invited a bunch of home schooling families
over for goofin' and games....

i had found the quote earlier that day.
and that evening i grabbed every mom that
came and showed it to them. totally wowed
by the whole thing. 'look at this!' and i'd
sit them down and have them read it.

i remember bouncin' around thinking 'it's
our LIGHT not our dark we're afraid of!!'
i really felt that was true and such an
exciting thought.

the other thought that i carry with me
constantly from this quote is that we really
have to do what's right for us....
cause that helps others.

that has helped me out in many a rough spot....

it's from marianne williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God
that is within us.
It's not just in some of us;
it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission
to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”

to this day, this still inspires me...

Thursday, August 20, 2009


i sat outside last nite and looked
up at the sky....
i hadn't even thought of it til this
morning....but the pull to go sit with
the sky was a good sign at how big the
internal struggle was....

i looked at the clouds and wondered
how i'm sposed to learn to love someone
that i don't like or respect.

not a new question for me. one i can't
seem to find any answer for. i keep trying.
but nothing i do feels quite right.
there's an inauthentic feel to it.
and if i have that feel, i know it's the
wrong direction...

i pondered it some more as i walked this
morning. i came up with a lot of thoughts
that ran me around in circles.

until this one came thru....

what if it really is all about you?
what if you have to stop looking at the
other person?

thought that was a good intro to whatever
was coming because i know that's how a
healthy relationship works.

i know when i get hung up in what bob's
doin', i'm lookin' in the wrong direction
with us. i have to see what it is i'm
doing and work with that. i can't work
with what bob's doin'. bob has to do that.
and i trust he will. and he does.
we both have an agreement to work on our
own stuff and focus there. trust the other
to do their work. be there when they come for

that's healthy.
when i start focusing on him, it gets

now....the people i struggle with loving
aren't healthy. i can't count on them
to look at themselves and work with themselves.
if i could, there'd be no problem.

i can't count on their end of the deal.

but does that mean i stop my end???
i think what i've been tryin to do might be
to work both ends. to try to do the work
for both of us.

not sure.
but whatever it is, it's not workin'.

but what if i just look at me???

what if i go back to the 'light' concept that
has been intriguing me for the last week.

that i have light in me.
and i want to concentrate on that.
and grow that.

what if i put all this energy where i'm
confused and frustrated, and whatever i am
and put that into growing my light?

what if i grow my light stronger and stronger?

then.....couldn't i take it with me wherever
i go? including to these people i struggle

i don't have to hand them my light.
oh no.

i just have to live in my light when i'm with

what does that mean??
what does 'live in your light' mean???
what IS your light???

i don't know.

is it god? is it love? is it what??
i don't know.
i just know of a feeling that i have no
words for.

so i'm just goin' on feelings.
that works for me.

and as i step into that feeling, it's
definitely a living in the now kinda thing.
i'm not worried about what's gonna happen or
what has happened. i'm in the present moment.

the present moment stuff.
interesting that should pop in.....

i hate that stuff.
it's so so much work.

but i know it's right.
that's why i hate it.
cause i know i have to do it and it's not easy.

but this whole thing has me excited.
because it's not about them.
i've tried understanding and compassion....and yeah,
i can get that. i have that. but i still dislike them.
some of 'them' hurt me personally in deep ways, some
don't touch me at all, i watch them hurt others in
deep ways.

i do have judgments even tho i hear the voice inside
saying not to.

i'm not sure i don't want to have the judgments.
i'm not sure i want to get to the point where i think
'it just is' when i see abuse.

that part all confuses me.

i don't have any answers that make sense to me.....

but this concentrating on my light stuff......

it seems to focus my attention to where it will do
the most good.

it seems to encourage my own spiritual growth.

it seems to work in the only place i really have

and those seem like the right places to start.

so that's where i'm gonna try to focus with this

i don't understand it....but i do have a sense
that if you grow your own light, you can ignite
the world.

at least your world.
and that seems worth tryin'.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

yet another book!

i read tiny bits of too many books at
a time! rereading the road less traveled.
totally a favorite of mine!

this sentence made me wish i could have
dinner with this guy....

maybe next life..

'among the things that i am saying here
and throughout this section of the book is
that our use of the word 'love' is so
generalized and unspecific as to severely
interfere with our understanding of love.'

i have had this thought a gazillion times!
was so good to read it!

one more..
a paragraph.....
this also felt freeing to me.

'in summary, dependency may appear to be love
because it is a force that causes people to
fiercely attach themselves to one another.
but in actuality it is not love; it is a
from of antilove. it has its genesis in a
parental failure to love and it perpetuates
the failure. it seeks to receive rather than
give. it nourishes infantilism rather than
growth. it works to trap and constrict
rather than to liberate. ultimately it destroys
rather than builds relationships, and it
destroys rather than builds people.'

perfectly human?

i've never had anyone i trust like him.
i went to him again and asked for his thoughts.
asked him how he saw my struggles with trust.

we talked.
his thoughts helped a ton.
he's so logical and insightful.
and honest.
truly a partner in growth.

i was worried about my abilities to love.
i had tears in my eyes.
asking him about that.

he shook his head at one point.
looked at me and said he didn't understand
how i could even ask.
that i love every single day.
that my life is full of love.
how can i even ask?

i want to be so much more.
i want to be love.
if i'm am i ever gonna
be love???

he stopped looking bewildered.
looked me straight in the eyes.
'you've been talkin' that damaged goods
stuff ever since i've known you.
you need to drop that.
you are perfect the way you are.
you are perfect.'

i looked at him.

didn't believe him, of course.

but then i thought of every woman out there.
every person?
you guys reading this.

i debated typing it.
it's mine.
really personal.

but that's the point of the blog.
the realness of it.
this is a very very real struggle i have.

do you struggle with it?

if someone you trusted more than anyone in
the world told you you were perfect, would you
believe them?

why not?

if they told you that you were damaged in some
way....would you believe them?


and then i think of that line in the book
(see post below) about the parts of me that
feel like damaged goods...and the book saying
you are reacting normally from something

and that feels so incredibly right.

you are human.
you are perfectly human.

would you accept that one?

more book sharin'......

i was doin' that 'support a store' thing again...
and ordered a few books from them.....
ya know, that's one of the best things for me.
i try to be good to others by supporting them,
and i get all these goodies out of the deal.
that's not too shabby!!!

that thing they say....about when you give you
get more than you give....that's so darn true.

so i picked up the book 'healing the child
within' for the first time last nite. only
because the other book i'm reading was in the
other room.

and of course, the timing was perfect.

here's the two goodies i got out of it last nite:

he described one of the approaches of doing
healing work and he said you depart from the usual
model of having some sort of mental disorder
and you 'reframe your suffering from the old
view of being bad, sick, crazy or stupid to
having a normal reaction to an abnormal childhood

i tell ya...
that one part of the sentence.
i stopped and read that five times.

interesting timing as i struggle with the idea
of being 'damaged'...and definitely
the struggle of being 'bad.' and all that
came up in a conversation just hours before
i read that line.

thought it was priceless.
wanted to share.

also..the author mentions the different names
given for the 'inner child'....

the divine child.
the wonder child.
the true self.

'the child within refers to that part of each
of us which is ultimately alive, energetic,
creative and fulfilled. it is our real self -
who we truly are.'

mmmmm think this book is gonna be sooo good
for me!!!

wanted to share...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

just popped right on in....

way mellow this morning.
the weeks of tension seemed just
just mellowly walkin' along.
not thinking of much of anything
when this pops into my head.....
just like this...


you can't fix it, she said.
you have no control over it.
there's nothing you can do but
wait it out.

but what if the waiting it out
is killing you? i asked.

ahhhh.....she said...that's
where you do have control. you can
control how you react.
that's where you want to put the
work into...

just like that.
popped right on in.

when i was thinking about nothing.

i got the message.
how could i not???

Monday, August 17, 2009

the midlife whirl keeps whirlin'.....

and the mid life whirl continues.

i wondered if it got intensified by
seein' all those grown kids yesterday!
(see post below)...

where am i going?
why am i here?
what's it all about??

will these questions drive me to total
insanity or will i at some point just
calm down and take the ride without
wondering any more???

i can dive into the ride....and just be.
i can do that at times....

but sooner or later those questions
shoot back up to my mind and make me
feel crazy all over again...

congratulations all around...

they're pretty amazing girls.
jeesh...i guess i mean young women!!!
one went into college early.
so they both graduated the same time.
same weekend!

their party was yesterday and we were there.

their parents and i have been friends since
before the girls were born...

at one point i wandered into their library
and browsed thru all the book titles...

i saw one of my favorite parenting books
and realized i prolly gave it to them. i
pulled it off the shelf, looked inside,
and sure enough...a note i had written for
when one of the girls got baptized...


what a long time ago....
my handwriting has even changed since then,
i've added two more kids and lost a husband...

i started thinking of all the things that
have happened in the years we had known each

and then it was time to cut the cake.

everyone crowded around.
i stood in the hallway watchin'....
i got a great view of my friend as she spoke
of how proud she was of her daughters.

i looked at her and remembered a time where
we didn't think she'd make it. where we didn't
think she would survive her cancer and be here
to see her daughters graduate....high shcool....
not even college.

and there she was.

i stood and watched.
and thanked the universe for her being here.

'congratulations to you, too,' i thought....
it's been quite a journey.....

Sunday, August 16, 2009

testosterone is weird stuff....

so it was time for the jet car wars.
yeah. that's where they hook up jet engines
to cars and race them down the track.
and then there's all kindsa other cars....
and smoke and roarin.....

i was a bit overwhelmed when we got there.
i do some kinda weird thing where i soak in
a crowd's energy or something. and i don't
know what to do with that sometimes.

i took a walk to the bathroom....dreaded
goin in there. ugh. that's not a priority
at a place like this....

as i walked back to the group, i figured
i needed a new approach....

i went right up to the fence to watch,
so i wasn't watchin' all the people.
that helped a lot.

so i stood there and started asking questions.
so um, what's the 227 mean??? josh's mouth fell
open. MOM! i thought you knew!!! that's how fast
they're goin'.

you're kiddin'. don't you think someone coulda
clued me in???

we were laughing. he was amazed.
said you learn that when you're a tiny kid and
it's what everyone knows and it never occurred
to him that i didn't know.

it was a lot cooler once i found that out.


i knew about the 'tree'....mostly...i still
have some questions....but yeah. i got it.
i knew about bracket racing....mostly.....
kinda. i knew about the times and the dialin'
it in stuff.

and when zakk leaned over and said 'ya know
what that is?' and i nodded and said
'yeah, NOS.' his eyes got wide and he was

so how come i didn't know the 227 thing???

so i stood there watchin' and wonderin' about
people. turned to bob and asked him what was
it he was seein'. what was he so engrossed in.

he told me. and started tellin' me stuff about
the cars.

i get it.
i can see what these guys are into and how it's
an art.
i get it.

josh found a girl to fall in love with....
...she broke a record.
i believe she hit 302.
that'd be miles an hour.

it wasn't til i started betting on the cars
that my fun really kicked in. everyone wanted to
go. 'just a little more,' i pleaded. 'y'all are
bein' wimps. it's just gettin' rollin'.'

they all stared at me.....
'one more bet' they said.....then we're leaving.

i grumbled.

they laughed.

what an evening.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

owl magic...

just a few days ago josh was tellin' us
about an owl he hears at nite.

i want an owl in our yard! i declared.
and i really really did.

we've never had owls.
once i saw an owl swoop thru the trees
across the street. but never any right here.
been outside at nite.....none to be seen.
we don't have air conditioning so the windows
are open all the hootin' to be

so there we were.....
we were all out in my back yard.

it was dark. a beautiful nite.
josh had his telescope out showin' us
the stars....

i was tellin' some dumb story, when what
do we hear???

an owl!!!!

at first i thought someone was goofin'.


and then......

we heard another!
they were calling to each other!!!!

and then! another?!!!
none of us could really tell. it sounded
like THREE owls....but that's just too
amazing....we were stickin' with two....
sounding like three.

and they were so close to us we felt like
we could reach out and touch them.

it's dark, but i could still see zakk turn to
me. 'this must be for you.' he said.
'you just said you wanted them.'

he couldn't see my smile in the darkness....
but it was there. nice and big.

sometimes i don't know if zakk sees some of
the magic in life....
and then sometimes he says something like
that....and i think he does.

i sat there and listened to these owls
and wondered why on earth i get so stressed
about things.....

it's all good.
i just have to remember that.
it's all good.

Friday, August 14, 2009

just because....

something was calling her.
it was beyond her.
outside of her.
and yet, it was connected to her.
she had to answer.
she had to go.
and she didn't know if she'd be back.
but she did know,
if she was back,
she'd never be the same.
and she knew that's how it had to be.

for my goddess daughter.....

'there's something inside of you, she said.
a flame.
a gorgeous flame of light.
every action you take affects the flame.
some actions make it shine brighter.
some make it flicker and dim.
and some grow it and make it bigger inside.
every moment counts to this flame.
every action matters.'
she held her face to the girl's and whispered,
'dance with honesty and trust thru your journey,
and you will grow your flame.
grow your flame , and you will ignite the world.'


there's been some odd calling to me the
last two mornings.

i always take my walks.
and yet, yesterday and today something kept
pulling me to stay home.
stay in my yard. just sit quietly out back.

and so i listened.

and i wondered.

it seemed odd. i never had this feeling
before. but okay, what the heck.

this morning as i wandered about my yard,
putting the trash out, then the mail, then
watering both front and back, it just felt

okay. maybe i just need to slow down and
be in my space, i thought.
i do love the space of my home and yard,
and maybe that's all it's about.

i sat out in my back yard for a bit,
just relaxing and reflecting.

i was going to write a bit, but i just didn't.

as i walked back in towards my studio,
i walked thru yet another spider's web.

as i was pulling the webbing off of me,
i realized that i had in one way or another
seen a lotta spiders the last two days.

an unusual amount.

i wonder..........

i went to get a book my friend gave me.
it's called 'animal speak' and it lists
a bunch of animals and bugs and their
meanings. if something shows up a lot in
your life, what it may mean...

it's kinda like tea leaf reading with live

i rarely ever think of this book.
it's not a natural thought for me.
i read tea leaves sometimes cause i think it's
fun....the animal speak stuff i never got into.

so the fact that it came to mind was unusual.

i went up into my kitchen and pulled it off
the shelf.

looked up spider.


the very first thing i read is this:
'spider teaches you to maintain a balance...'

okay. since balance has been on my mind all week,
this darn book had my interest....

i skim thru.
there's a lot there....
as i'm sifting thru i'm more in a 'yeah, yeah,
whatever' frame of mind.....

and i skim to the bottom....

it says that if spider has come into your life
you need to ask yourself some important questions...
and typed out right there is this:
'do you need to pay attention to your balance
and where you are walkin in life? are others out
of balance around you? do you need to write?
are you inspired to write or draw and not follow
thru? remember that spider is the keeper of knowledge
and the primordial alphabet. spider can teach how
to use the written language with power and creativity
so that your words weave a web around those who
read them.'

i closed the book.

how totally weird.

i've been puttin' off some writing i wanted to do
all week.

guess i'll work on that a bit today.......

life is weird.

sharin' josh

since he was on my mind (see post below)

thought i'd share this one....

here's a little taste of josh

click here
for his latest blog.......

a little laughter before bedtime....

he stopped by for dinner last nite.
i'm always delighted to see him.
we sat at the table talkin' while he
ate....i had finished hours ago...

his enthusiasm over my new life jacket
was fabulous. 'i want one of those!'
he said....he wants to wear it while
he performs, he tells me with a huge
grin on his face.

this enthusiastic burst was right in the
middle of his political themed convesation
he was having. we tease him that he's
attention deficit, and i swear, he is
in the very best of ways.

he gets side tracked so easy, goes off
on a million tangents, makes you laugh
along the way, then comes back to where he

he stayed for a little while, and i was
wanderin' towards my room to call it a nite.
the guys came in to say goodnite. josh
had stayed long enough that he was there too.

the guys said i was still wired from
the coffee earlier and i would never get to

yo and zakk said goodnite and wandered
out. they had had a long day and were ready
to finish it up.

suddenly, i felt like a little kid who was
supposed to be goin' to bed and whose parents
left her in the room with her partner in crime.
i started whisperin' to josh. was tryin' to
tell him a joke. couldn't get it out cause i
started laughing. i laughed harder.

he got right in the swing of it.
he started laughing so hard he staggered
across the room.

it was over then.

i sat in my bed pounding the mattress,
doubled over laughing.

i haven't laughed that hard in too long.
over nothing.
over total and complete silliness.

and for a few moments there, i was a complete
and total kid again.

it was the highlight of my day.

i said goodnite to josh and slept like a darn

or maybe....i slept like a darn kid???

whatever it was the best sleep i've
had in weeks.....

Thursday, August 13, 2009

me too.

we met for a cup of coffee.
so much catchin' up to do.

she told me one of her stories.

my eyes teared up as she told it.

we wandered, meandered here and
there....covered all kindsa ground.

when it was time to leave i reached
over to tears in my eyes.

i can't leave without tellin you this,
i said.

told her that her tellin' me her story
inspired me. helped me. i was gonna go
try to love a little more because of
what she told me. told her that what she
offered me without even knowing it was

she reached over and held my hand.
she got teary too.

told me that she figured out that she wasn't
gonna love perfectly. she wasn't gonna be able
to show love in certain ways. but there were
other ways she could.
and she would do the best she could.

i held her hands back.

and nodded.

me too, i said.

me too.

i left that table more than when i arrived.

that's what good friends do to you, i think.
that's what good friends do.

stayin' afloat....

i got a package from a friend today.
opened it up.
didn't see any note....
just the gift.

just sitting there in the box.

a life jacket.

i picked it up and laughed.

how absolutely fantastic.

what a perfect gift from a friend who's
always pullin' me outta the water...

the phone rang.

wasn't feelin' so good after the call.
felt unsettled and upset.

i reached for the life jacket.

that's when i saw her note.

she wrote it right on the jacket itself.

'and i love you too, tess...'

i grinned and slipped it on.

called her.

told her i needed it, so i put it on.

she laughed and said she never thought i'd
really wear it.

you're kiddin'???

i'm gonna live in this thing!!!

i think everyone needs one of these!!!!!

everyone certainly needs a friend who'd send
one. that's for sure.

splashin' in the water....but stayin' afloat!

not balance again?

i don't always get his shoulder to cry on.
yesterday, his shoulders were here, and it
all came out. and i cried and i cried and
i cried.

what a difference it makes to have someone
to lean on when you cry. it was exactly what
i needed.

i felt it. i noticed it. and i treasured it.

when i was first separated, i did a whole lot
of crying all alone....wishin' for some strong
arms and a shoulder to make salty.

then when those strong arms and shoulders came
into my life, but weren't around so much....
i learned to cry on my own and not wish for
anything when i cried.

it doesn't matter tho, if we allow ourselves
to wish for something or not....
we still need it.

i could see the difference in me last nite....
being held, being cared for.

we all need it.
but we all don't get it.
or we get it a little bit, but not enough.
or we get it and then it's gone.
or we have a situation where we should have it,
but it doesn't work anymore....
there's a thousand ways that it doesn't quite work

we all need it.
and we rarely ever get it totally the way we want.

what do we do with that???
with a need so important? a need so basic and real?
the need to be held and cared for and loved....

we learn to cope.
we learn inner strength.

do we learn to close tho?

that'd be the drawback...that'd be the glitch.
that'd be what to watch out for, i think...

learning to close when our basic needs aren't met.

we can't do that.
cause then it's even harder to meet those needs when the
chance comes along....

i don't know.
it all just got me thinking last nite....

so many things to make us close.
so many things to stay open for.....

could it be that balance stuff again???

what would you write?

i got a note from a friend last nite.
he had read something about some women
who had written notes to themselves as
if they could give advice to themselves
25 years ago.

he came thru to tell me about the concept
and to ask me what i would write to

cool, huh?

so i thought i'd put it out here to suggest
it for everyone....

what would you say??
seems like the whole concept could provide
a lot of food for thought...and some compassion
to yourself.

a few hours before he wrote, i was trying to
write something for my goddess daughter who
is turning 13 next week.

her mom asked me to make a bone sigh,
she (a musician) was going to write a song,
and another friend (a poet) was going to
write a poem.

so i sat and tried to think of what to tell
a 13 year old.

it seemed to be a theme in the day....
what's worth knowing as you grow older....

i heard from my friend again this morning as i
asked him what he would write.

he said he had to think about it, but that he
already knew one thing....'it will be close to
the same thing my 25 year in the future me would
write. so the advice given for then can be taken

i smiled when i read that.
he's totally right.

how cool is that?!

what would you write? maybe it's worth writing down
for now......

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

different parts....different seasons....

read something good in this book i'm
now reading....

'the power of a broken open heart'

she talks about the cycles of life and
the cycles of things that make up our
lives. she uses the seasons to help grasp
it all.

one interesting, and should be obvious
point....but for me, it caught my attention...

your life is made up of lots of parts.
and those parts can be in different cycles.
your entire life doesn't have to be cyclin'
thru the same season.

oh yeah.
oh yeah.
no kidding.

that could help my sanity if i realize that.

part of me is wide open and rarin' to birth
things like spring....

and part of me is definitely in a whole
different season......

it's kinda awesome.
and makes me feel less like i've got the split
personality thing goin'....

we sure are some incredible creatures.....


there's always been tremendous energy between
us. from the moment we met. we both say if there
really are past lives, we definitely knew each
other before.

he has offered such belief in me as i have traveled
the bone sigh path, that it has astounded me.

over the years, we have become the place each
other can go to for help when we feel our dreams
getting covered up or fading....

it's understood that that help is only a phone
call away. and those calls have happened plenty
of times for both of us.

he called yesterday. and we spoke of our dreams.
i told him how mine had gotten reignited and how
it was feeling life saving to me right now.

i reminded him of his own. as i had a feeling he
needed reminding.

i heard myself recounting his dreams to him.
reminding him. and it hit me how well i knew what
his were.

how cool is this? i thought.

to know each others dreams.

that's friendship.


if you're more into the woo woo kinda
life, you might describe me as a bit
of an empath - someone who tunes into
emotions around her and can hold them
for others. (that was way boiled down,
but you get the gist.)

if you had to raise me, you might describe
me as my father did, and say i was
hyper sensitive.

(never did like that one.)

if you asked me, i'd say that i'm perceptive.
and the older i've gotten the more perceptive
i have become.

the deal with that tho, is i haven't learned
much balance. i don't know how to balance what
i see and not hold it all and keep it from
hurting me.

okay. that's not real fair.
i've learned balance....but not in the same
proportion to the perception stuff.

so i'm all outta whack. end up with too much
to hold.

i had this thought on my walk and immediately
put my hands out in front of me like i was
getting ready to juggle.

um. no, ter.
balance. don't juggle.

i grinned at myself.

oh yeah.
not juggle.
i dropped my hands back down.

so how do you balance?

and as i was tryin' to figure this out,
i lifted my face towards the sky.

i was under the trees at this point.

and i suddenly saw a river....

so ya gotta picture this in your mind...
look up....the sky is the river.
the tree branches are just stuff in the river.
there's tree branches on both sides of the road.
so you got a river of sky flowin thru the branches
on either shore.

got it?

i kept looking up.
look at that, i thought........

if life was like a river you'd be flowin' just fine
there.....but ohhh look there. you'd get caught
in those branches there.

no big deal. just kinda scoot out there and go
that way. okay....but what about here?
and right there i saw this huge tangle of branches....
very little river.

ohhhh yeah.
that's life right now.

it's just a huge tangle.
and that tangle is all the stuff i see around me.
it's just like that. tangled and thick and certainly
tough to travel thru.

if you had to.
if you were headin' thru that river and you hit this
spot....well, you'd get creative-try to figure your
way thru...but the truth may just boil down
to tedious pickin' your way thru.

but look!

once you're thru....there's a nice big patch of
tangle free sailing.....

and look at almost looks too easy.

i grinned.

is it learning to float down the river?


but maybe it doesn't mean every part has to be
easy and that the ease shows you're balanced.

maybe it means there's some easy, some hard,
some thick, some open. maybe that's the balance.

maybe it's looking at the whole river.

and i looked ahead at the sky in front of me.
it opened wide.

and an airplane was flying thru.

i smiled at it and watched it.....

above the trees....smoothly making its way thru.

oh no, ter.
don't fool yourself.

even when you fly, there's turbulence.

'soon you'll be flyin' i had told myself recently.

floating, flying, soaring, resting....
tangled, open, easy, hard....


i'll get there......

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

concentratin' in the right spot....

i was headin' out to bury something in my back yard.
wasn't sure what.
figured just some negative emotions....
when i ran smack into the county inspection guy!

just a routine thing we needed to get checked on for
insurance. i was a little stressed out about it thinking
he might look too close at my house and condemn it or

i was in luck, he barely noticed a thing!

so he side tracked me.

i came in when he was done.

too hot out there to bury anything.

so i buried myself in work.

it's been crazy busy here today.

and thru all the craze and the thousands of things
i needed to deal with with deadlines and such....

i took time to concentrate on some freebie thing
i'm doin'.

cause those things tickle me.
some give away thing a shop owner and i are gonna
do together.

and i got lost in the fun of it.
several other things with the same theme popped up.

freebie stuff to try to remind women that they matter.

and i found all the negative stuff just floating

i've been smiling and creating and runnin' around
like a nut.

maybe i just need to concentrate on my dreams sometimes.

cause they make me really really happy.

just a little weird....

apparently i was way more agitated than i realized.

i walked thru the guys' office, didn't realize i did
anything, and yo looked up and said 'you okay?'

at breakfast he commented that every single movement
i was making was quick, to the point, and agitated.
he was laughing.

i wasn't grouchy. just weird.
and the boys were staring at me amazed.

i wanted to talk to them about life and where they
wanted to go with it.

i slammed the rice milk container down.

yo put his head on the table and just laughed.
'never seen you slam the milk down before, mom.'

i grinned.
i didn't even know i had.

zakk suggested we postpone the talk for another

i laughed now.

i'm okay.

you're not.

we all laughed.

maybe not.

we postponed the talk.

i'm still weird.

a friend wrote.
i answered.
she noticed the weird.

it helps to have really intuitive friends.
it also helps that she happens to have a
counseling background!

she gently put out what she thought was goin on.

'you holdin' his anger?'



why yes.
i am.

ya know.......there's nothing like the support
i have all around me.

i am.


i am.

i want to just say i'll put it down.

but i think i need more than that....

think i'm gonna head out into my back yard.
bury something.
or someone.


that'll feel good.
then maybe i can move on......

life is weird.
i'm weird.


wow i'm in a mood.

maybe it's the heat?
doubt it.
it's not hot yet.

woke up thinking about some shop owners
that totally ripped me off.
they aren't the first ones.

then progressed to hearing stories about
several victims i know.

took a walk agitated about people who think
their taking is justified.
and they justify it by the victim mode they
constantly live in.

thought of something someone just said on
face book that i loved: 'real is in the eye
of the beholder.'

i knew the minute i read it that that could
be way cool, or way icky.

i've seen the eyes of some beholders who
create their own real. and it's not good.
it's way icky.

and i've seen it where it's way way good.

this morning i kept thinking of that line.

i watch people who live the victim role,
and who create their own real, and everyone
owes them.

and i watch them suck the life outta people
around them.

i don't want that energy in my life.

it's so not okay.

and so......if i keep dwellin' on their
garbage this morning, then i've not only
allowed it in my life.
i've allowed it to take control of my day.

oh. that'd suck.

so i'm here to relase them.

and i'm here to use what i learn from them
to go the other way and not be a victim.

if you want your life to be a certain way,
go make it happen.
you're not a victim.

Monday, August 10, 2009

i'm listening

i figured the start of something out.
just the very start of it.
i'm not sure what to do with it, but
it feels mighty important to me.

i'm wonderin' if this would hold true for
a lot of people. maybe the 'part' would
be different, but the rest would be the same?

let me see if i can explain.

there's a HUGE childlike part of me.
and that part of me gets frustrated a lot
because i need connections and interactions
with that part. there are some kinda needs
to that part of me. just like there are needs
to all parts of me. but to that part, the needs
don't seem to get met 'enough.'

so, i think we all have different parts.
and doesn't matter what they are, maybe we all
have one or two parts that the needs don't really
get met for.

what do we do with that?

i had been looking for outside sources to fill
the needs.

and that hasn't worked.
i've tried hard.
given it a lotta thought.
tweaked and tried again.

and when that didn't work....

well, i've been doin' this brilliant bit of
squashin' down the needs and ignoring them.

that'll work wonders, i'm sure.

my ol' mantra came into my head.
when i was first on my own. the mantra i said
about twenty zillion times:
"everything i need is within me."

i went back to that as i thought thru this stuff.

yeah, i'll need other people for parts of things,
but the real need-meeting has to come from
inside me.

and the first need is to stop stifling that part
of me that wants to play.

to stop ignoring the nudges and the desires.
to stop looking outside me for answers.

where's that leave me?
what do i do?

i just actually shook my head as i typed.
i haven't a clue.

but sometimes i think if i start with 'i don't
know what to do, but i'm listening....' that
things will start to happen.

so i think i'll start there this morning.

i don't know what to do.
but i'm listening.