Sunday, February 28, 2010

pam's comment

pam is someone i'm getting to know more and more
and treasuring more and more. she left a comment
on the blog below this one....i read it and nodded
all the way thru it.......

i'm re-posting it here as it's gorgeous and it's
a great lead in to a bone sigh i wrote awhile ago
....and i wanted to share.....

>>>>
Sometimes the really beautiful souls in this world --
the ones who don't want to hurt another soul --
allow other people to pile garbage on top of their beauty
until they (we) are buried under something that looks
like anything but the beautiful they really are.
It feels dark and lonely under that pile of debris,
and it makes it really hard to see the light that
still shines on us and fuels our own heart-light.
I hope your friend will know that the garbage is
only ON her and isn't who she IS. Sending out
love and light to remind your beautiful friend to
trust who she really is.
>>>>

wow, pretty awesome, pam. thank you.
when i read it, it reminded me of a bone sigh.
i went diggin' and found it.....

----
the colors came back

one after another they came and lay their
heavy gray blankets upon her...
finally, the weight and the gray became too much.
thru her tears, she gave up and asked for help.
it was then that the colors came back.
----

i don't think that's a knock your sox off bone
sigh or anything..i'm sharin' it because
i remembered it and was excited to recall that
time in my life. because it was when i finally
realized i couldn't do it on my own, when i finally
just gave up, looked at the sky and said 'help me.'
that things changed.....

i wanted to throw that out for my friend.......
don't forget you're not the garbage being heaped on
you, you're not the gray blankets....
you are not the weight of all that they're placing
on you.
and ask......ask.........ask..........for help.

it'll come.

surrounding her

a friend of mine is in a really rough spot.
there's stuff being hurt so deeply inside that
she's spinning.

she's shared a few bits and pieces of it with
me and some of her other friends. and my whole
body reacts as i read her notes.

i think i know some of the feelings she's having.
i think i've been in a similar place. and it's
a dark one.

two people closest to her are fillin' her with
garbage ideas about herself. i read that and my
own experiences with that trash came tumbling back
thru my mind.

it IS garbage. and it IS trash.

and sometimes, for some of us, it takes all our
strength to know that.

i kinda maybe knew it. i kinda had it floatin'
around inside me that it was trash. i must have
or i don't think i could be here right now.
but i took pieces of the trash and held them as
mine.

i look back at that today and wonder how i could
have. and i realize how far i've come from those
days. i know it will never happen again. and i also
know it had to happen then.

now i sit and watch someone i think is one of the
most beautiful people i know, hear garbage and
i'm wonderin' if she's holding pieces. and i want
to run down there and knock those pieces out of her
hand and tell her not to take them. don't take them.
don't believe them. THEY ARE NOT YOURS.

thing is, i believe in her. i know her. she's strong
and she's wise and she's beautiful, and she'll figure
it out.

and i look back at my own process.
no one could have knocked it out of my hands and told
me. i HAD to figure this stuff out on my own.

but there were a precious few who surrounded me in love.
and who assured me over and over that i wasn't broken,
that i didn't need fixing, and that i wasn't damaged.
over and over they told me.

i think i needed that. i think i needed to find my belief
for myself while i leaned hard on people who did believe
in me too.

i had a precious circle. and when i got really scared,
i surrounded myself in that circle.

i saw her do that yesterday. she created a circle, and
got in it.

and we surrounded her with love and belief.

what i hope she sees is that there's a reason that circle
exists. there's a reason this group of strong and loving
women is there.

SHE is that reason.
the circle could not exist without her and her beauty.

and that's what i'm hopin' she feels. even if it's way down
deep and she's not real sure yet.

SHE is the reason we ran to her side in our hearts and held
her.

these people who are hurting her....they play huge roles in
her life. that's the power they hold. and they can hold a
lot of power if she lets them.

over and over i've been chanting in my heart and praying for
her 'don't let them take away who you are.'

don't let them take away who you are.

don't let them take away who you are.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

a saturday quote....

i read this last nite and loved it.....

wanted to offer it....

'through a lack of love everything hardens.
there is nothing as lonely in the world as
that which has hardened or grown cold.
bitterness and coldness are the ultimate
defeat.'

-from anam cara, john o'donohue


bitterness and coldness are the ultimate
defeat.

woe.

Friday, February 26, 2010

really nifty....

okay.
i'm grinnin' a nervous little grin.

i've been thinking of the 'is that you, god?'
question. (see post below for that to make any
sense at all!)

and i've been thinking of where i want to go with
my life and all that.

so i'm sitting here workin' on a project. and
something felt kinda 'led' to me. i noticed it,
looked out my window and said 'is that you, god?'
acknowledged the feeling and promised to follow
it.

workin' and tryin' to figure something out when
i pop on my email and there's a newsletter sign in.
and the name is SO INCREDIBLY close to my dad's name
that my eyes bug out.

ohhhhhh that's weird, i thought.
and i actually left it there and went back to what
i was doing. too weird to touch right then.

it so felt like my dad popped in.

i came back to see it staring at me in my box and
i remembered and asked 'is that you, god?'

i'm not a big 'god' fan.
laughin' with that sentence.

it's just not a word that works well for me. i'm
much more comfortable with 'the universe'....i like
the vague idea better. works better for me.

but there's something not so vague in my vague universe
today....and it's feeling really nifty.

wanted to share.........

is that you, god?

i got in the shower yesterday with that hot
water just blastin' on me and i was filled
with 'what is it you want to do with your
life right now?'

woe.

i was just takin' a shower.

recognizing the moment, i stepped further
under the water, closed my eyes, and listened
to see what was up.

just lots of questions.
not those lost questions of midlife.
the 'what's it all about?' questions.
i get those a lot.
but this was more directed.

more asking me to really think about what
it was i was doing right now.

believe it or not, it stunned me.
because.......because........because......
i can just get so caught up in daily life.
the micro vision thing.
the what am i making for lunch, thing.

sigh.

instead of......the where am i going this year, thing.

and so it was kinda cool.

i didn't come up with an answer right then.
but i heard the questions, and i held them.

then this morning.....the wind was callin' to me.

ohmygosh, i couldn't get out fast enough.

it's more gusty instead of steady. and not blowin
as hard as i had hoped. i wanted a steady stream
of knock you over wind.

but i got some good gusts.
and, of course, i couldn't just limit it to around
the block. it's too windy. i need some time in it.
so i did the whole walk.

and up under my trees, the best gust of the walk
came thru.

i stopped. put my face up. closed my eyes.
and it kept blowin'.

i stepped off the road. onto the side.
repositioned my face, closed my eyes again,
and just listened.

is that you, god? i asked.

and i grinned.

you want it to be, ter?

and i smiled.

yeah.
that'd be okay.

and i just stood there and felt it.

on my way home i thought of my life, of me,
who i am, things i want to do....

and i felt good.
i want to focus today....on something bigger.

i want to stop a few times today in the middle
of things and ask 'is that you, god?'

that's the kinda day i want to have today.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

the ground keeper's drainage.....

this guy's so organized and perfect, it's beyond
me. he doesn't just have a yard, he has 'grounds.'
i always think of his place as grounds and he, the
keeper of the grounds.

he's got some kinda drainage thing at the end of
his driveway and all the water from all directions
comes and falls into this pit thing he made.

i love it.

i like to stop and watch the water flow in.
if i was a kid, i know i'd hang out there for hours.

i stopped this morning and watched. it was coming
from all directions.

and it hit me.....
that's A LOT of water.
it was just flowing and flowing and flowing.

i looked at his yard. there was a stream coming from
it. then from up the road and across the street,
just streams.

well, yeah, i knew the snow was melting and i knew
it was really wet out...but still....that's A LOT
of water.

the snow's gotta go some place, ter.

yeah.
yeah.

it melts and then it flows.....

i knew there was some sorta metaphor of life in there.
i didn't think it thru. just kinda felt it. knew
there was stuff in there about letting things fall and
land into my life, and then letting them change forms,
and flow thru.....and out. felt it more than thought
it out.

i watched the water flow down that side wall of his
drain thing and flow away.

who knew?
the ground keeper's drainage and my life......we're
alike somehow.....

a tired walk....

kinda tired this morning as i headed for my walk.
it's been hard to walk as there hasn't been much
room because of the snow and that's now either really
dirty or really muddy. so i've barely been makin
it for my around the block walks.

today tho, as i rounded the corner, i got the pull
to go up to my goodmorningworld spot.

i felt the nudge, and just turned that way. then saw
all the water, mud, thought of the cars and tryin'
not to get hit, and i started turning back.

terri! you felt the pull! what's wrong with you?
go!

oh. yeah. okay.

and i'm tired. so i'm kinda in another world. one
that's interesting. one that is quiet inside and can
feel the nudges/pulls easily.

just as i got near the biggest puddle, which really
could be called a lake, a car came whizzin' down the
road, barreling straight for it! i stopped. looked
around. no place to get out of the way. i backed up
a few paces and just watched.

the driver saw me (hard to miss in the bright orange
jacket), saw the puddle and i could just feel their
realization take place. they stepped on the brake.
slowed way way down and crept thru the puddle. i stood
there and laughed and loved them. the whole thing,
amazingly enough, made me feel good all the way thru.
funny. something so stupid could feel so great. i love
to laugh with strangers.

got to my corner. wow. so many cars on that highway.
i stood there. must be cause i'm tired, i thought....
but they seem faster and louder. think it's cause
everything's wet. it sounds different.

i just stared at the highway. feels like all of
america is out on it this morning. it's a road across
america, i thought. and my imagination kicked in.
my gosh, it doesn't take much.

and then as i was getting carried away and watching,
they stopped coming. must be the stop light around the
corner. ohhhhh so quiet now. so much for the road
across america. the quiet almost seemed sacred. leave
now. while it's quiet.

i turned to walk home and leave the corner to enjoy
its quiet for just a moment.

as i headed back, i heard a mom really yellin' at her
kid. my gosh, it pierced my heart. i actually felt it.
wow, i thought. no one should ever be talked to like
that. and i felt the pain of the kid.

passed the house where the woman on her own lives. i
had passed her earlier and watched her tip toe thru the
mud in her driveway. she has no pavement, so it's pretty
mucky out there. as i had walked by and said hello, she
couldn't get her car door open. asked her if she needed
a hand. nah, she'd just go in from the other side. i
laughed. i knew that deal. as i walked by her house again,
i thought of how i always rooted for her. she's a woman
on her own, and i just feel a kinship there, and wish
good things for her every time i walk by her house. i
thought how cool that was. i didn't do it on purpose. it
just happened. every single time i passed her house.

i was thinking about life. the kid getting screamed at,
the woman on her own, the crowds on the highway, my muddy
neighborhood which really didn't look so good, when i
hit the sky's stage. ohhhh i looked up and gasped at the
sky. it looked like a god sky.

i wondered at my reaction. and remembered a tacky religious
book i used to like when i was small. it had a picture of
the sky in it just like that. how cool. i totally remembered
that book i hadn't thought of in forever.i loved it as a kid.
a god sky. great description.

i looked at my neighborhood. and yeah, i gotta say, this morning
it verged on ugly and i looked up at the god sky.

life is such a mix.
i don't buy it's all good, it's all joy.
i don't buy that at all.
i think a ton of it is pain and struggle and hard.
at the same time i think a ton of it is joy and goodness
and ease.

it's a mixture.
and it's what we do with the mixture that will make it either
struggle and hardship or joy and happiness. that part's up to
us.

i felt my heart.
i could still feel the zing from that woman screamin' at her
kid. it was still there. lingering.

as it should be, i thought. that should not be taken lightly.

take that, and go love your sons.
take the pains into the good.
mix it all around.....the mud and the god sky......
mix it all around.....and hold this life that's yours.

i headed in my front door.....ready to snuggle into my day.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

asking questions

'you okay?' i asked him.
'you seem quiet. and you seemed quiet the
other day too.'

he handed me the boxes. i dropped them on
my studio floor.

'there's more out there,' he said.

'i'll come and help,' i offered.

'oh no, it's too slippery out here.'

'ah, i got my wellies! these polka dotted
wellies can handle anything. you need some,'
i told him as i slipped them on.
'they'd take that quiet mood and perk you right on up.'

and so we walked out front to his truck.

'seriously, you doin' alright?'

he said yeah.

'you just don't want to share,' i joked with
him. 'no problem. but if you need a cup of
tea, you know i always have one for you.'

we stood there jokin' a bit. i tried to be
light and make him smile.

we dropped the rest of the stuff on my front
porch and i walked him back to the truck.
told him a goofy story. he laughed. touched
me lightly and said i always made his day
brighter.

we said goodbye. i turned back towards
my studio. he hollered after me 'i really
am okay.'

'good' i hollered back. 'good.'

i walked back around to my studio....
thinking.

i wasn't sure how to ask him.
i know something's bothering him.
but i'm just a customer he drops boxes off to.
and i want to respect his privacy.
tried to open the door. he knows i care.

but......still.......

last nite i was thinking about questions.
and asking people questions.
i realized that WHICH questions you ask make
a complete difference in what kinda answers
you get.

there's an art to the questions.

i don't think i consciously have given that
much thought before. i know i do some stuff
intuitively. but i want to give this some
thought.

cause i think that if you can figure the art of
questions out, you can really really show people
that you care, that you're interested and that
they matter. and those moments happen all day.
i want to grab them. and really really make the
most of them.

i want to refine my art of questioning.

ahhhhhhhhh this could be good!

womanhood

so a gallery i work with is gearin' up for a woman's
art show. the theme is 'celebrate womanhood.'
i'm fortunate enough to get to join in!

they're posing a question to everyone:
'what does womanhood mean to you?'

ohhhhhhh........
ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.........

i have no idea.

i just know i like it.
and i'm really really glad i'm not a guy.

hmmmmm......but more than that?
i don't know.

so i wrote it down for me to ponder. cause i like
good questions.

and i don't know yet. haven't figured it out.
but as i was making my bed this morning i thought
about trees. and how i think women are like trees.
no wonder i like trees so much!

i thought of their roots.....so deep and entangled
into the earth.....so strong.....i thought of how
they can be so darn profound standing there thru
every season, handling all the weather that comes
their way. bending when it's difficult, but standing
up again. different life nests in them and finds
their shelter there. their arms reach up to the
sky in prayer and soak in the sun. they provide
shade for people to rest in. there's a profound
silence about them and when the wind rustles their
leaves there's this gorgeous hushy whisper. if you
listen to their depths, you will know you're hearing
something sacred. i love trees. i always tease i
used to be one in a past life.

who knows? maybe i was. but so far, that's all i've
come up with.....womanhood means bein' a tree.

grin.

hmmmmm......think i'll keep thinking.........

mean people and stale walnuts....

a huge big thank you for everyone who participated
in the blog below! there's ALWAYS time to join in
the fun, so if you haven't yet, and you feel like
it, add a comment!

i was laughing with my sons last nite over the whole
incident that happened to my friend. (see post below)
because it was so bad you had to laugh. or else you'd
want to hit someone.

laughing's better.

i told them 'it's like the stale walnuts all over again!'

i had a dear friend who was trying to be kind to someone
and that someone was so rude to her. i witnessed it,
couldn't believe it, then used that material for years
to goof with!

my friend had made a dip that used walnuts, and this person,
who my friend had really tried to be kind to and reach out to,
continually was biting. we're at a family party and this
woman comments on the walnuts being stale.
if that isn't bad enough, throw in the horrible face
she made, doin' it in front of a crowd and stepping on
my friend's feelings.

stale walnuts, huh??

i went in the kitchen and started jokin' with my friend
about the stale walnuts....it escalated into multiple
answering machine messages on our home phone. if you called
for months, you would be greeted with some form of stale
walnut joke. some were pretty darn creative! complete
with a world series/stale walnut episode bein enacted on
the machine! the credit to that goes to my ex-husband.
he rocked with that kinda thing.

we hosted a stale walnut party......complete with the
traveling 'walnut of shame' that got hung on you during
various points in the evening. we even had fortune walnuts!

josh hosted his very own stale walnut party with his
teen age friends....and i believe he even made a yahoo
group with his friends....the stale walnut fraternity!

oh my gosh. the memories here are making me laugh.
sometimes people suck.
and sometimes the only thing to do with that, is goof
with it and make it a party!

stale walnut anyone?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

a little laugh

okay....i'm prolly gonna offend somebody here....
but i'm gonna make someone i love laugh. and she
needs it. so i say 'let's go for it!'

living in a what sounds like pea brained, incredibly
small minded kooky rural area, she got pulled over
recently. i think she must look like a terrorist.

i know she must.
and her car...oh my gosh.....it must be scary.

they didn't like her bumper stickers.

grin.
grin.
grin.

while.....this whole ordeal totally upset her, i'm
here to help her laugh about it!

ONE of those radical bumperstickers......was......
i am quite proud to say...... A BONE SIGH ARTS bumper
sticker!

saying something as radical as 'she didn't just survive
she became.'

apparently, the angry young cop demanded "became what?"

i just snorted as i typed this.
this is too incredible not to laugh.

she typed me the response she had runnin' thru her head,
but then calmly told him 'she became something more than
her illness.'

'oh. is that like cancer or something?'

oh my.

more snorting over my keyboard here.

soooooo........i am asking EVERYONE who reads this blog
to join in the fun and help my friend laugh here.

don't be mean...okay? we don't want to be as ugly as
they were to my friend.
there's no point in making more ugliness.
we want fun. we want laughter.
we want to lighten up what must have been one weirdo
ordeal.

WHAT did she become?

that's the question.
post your silly fun goofy answers in the comment section.
i'm going to send her over for a chuckle.

and i'm gonna think about it.
i want to join in too!!!!

dani, the birthday queen

a woman after my own heart, she celebrates her
birthday all month! i am totally behind her in
that thinking! and today is her actual birth DAY!

i'm not even sure how long we've known each other.
seems like we always have. she's a shop owner out
in wisconsin who has become a friend and a mentor.

more than once, when i needed help/advice/thinking
thru something, she's been there for me. most recently,
stepping into memories that had to hurt to help me
figure something out. i knew it when i asked her, i
knew i was going to a painful spot....it seemed
important enough to ask...and we both agreed it helped
take a bad thing and put some good in it. when you
hit a person open like that, and so generous like that,
you have found gold. and that's what i've found in dani.

she's wise, funny, generous, so articulate it's beautiful,
and quite a writer.

she's one of the shop owners i work with who feels
that her shop is more than a business....she's offering
a sanctuary to people, a place of peace and healing.

working with a fair amount of shop owners, i see quite
a range in attitudes towards their businesses. dani's
way of doing business is one i whole heartedly want
to participate in.

so in honor of her birthday, i want to send you over to
her blog and her shop site.

and i also want to do a plug for small shops all around
the country. i don't think i realized how precious they
were before i started bone sighs.

i always like boppin' in them. but never really thought
a whole lot about supporting them because they mattered.
sometimes i am so thick headed.

they so matter. we should pay attention to them. they're
the places trying to offer something unique....and many
of them are trying to do more than that...they are trying
to offer a place of peace in the midst of craze. they are
trying to offer a tiny little bit of healing for those who
are hurting. they are offering a place to go in to and be
a customer that they care about.

so on dani's birthday, i want to encourage everyone to hit
a small independent shop next chance we have. we can do it
in honor of dani! wouldn't that be cool?! if you can't afford
something, go in and tell them you're glad they're there!
that they matter! you'll be glad you did.....it really does
matter.

happy birthday, dani! you add so much to the beauty of the
world!

Monday, February 22, 2010

trust and flows and wanting it back....

that ever lovin' word 'trust' was on my mind
this mornin'. i walked and thought of how it was
when i first started bone sighs. my gosh, that was
the time in my life that required the most trust
ever. and i had it. i really really had it.

oh yeah, i'd lose it. but i'd get it back again.
and magic happened all around me constantly.
friends noticed it and commented on it, even my
cynic guy who at first poo pooed all mentions i
made of the magic of the universe began to tilt
his head and notice something was going on.

'there's a flow' i'd say.
and i was sure of it.
step in the flow and things work out.
step outta the flow and you stumble around a whole
awful lot.

i guess some big losses threw me outta the flow.
and i've struggled to get in again, and i would.
but not like then. it hasn't been like then for
years now. and i'd only get in for short times,
and then be out again.

and i wondered about that today.
i want that back.
the full time flow thing.
the magic all around me.

i really really like living that.

i figure it's still here.
i figure it's me that's changed.
and well........i think i wanna change again.

i'm not exactly sure how.
i'm gonna watch my thoughts.
start there.
see what it is i'm believing about my day.
what it is i'm believing about outcomes of things
i'm doin'.

maybe talk to the sky a little bit more.
even when i'm inside.

couldn't hurt.
and maybe...just maybe....it could help a whole
lot.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

the shakespeare inside himself....

i've sent him a few cards tellin' him i loved him.
called and left a few messages tellin' him i was
thinking of him....just passing things so he knew
he was being thought of.

i came home just a bit ago to a message from him.
so i called him back.

my elderly gentlemen friend.
bob's uncle.
i think he's 80 now.

he answered the phone and i greeted him with an
enthusiastic hey and he didn't even say hello.
he says 'can i tell you something personal?'

'only if it's nice.' i answer back without hesitation.

this is the gruff ol' guy. and you never know what
he's gonna say!

laughin' here......

and he launches into to telling me that no one in
his whole life has ever thought of him the way i
think of him.

and i told him i think they did, they just didn't
say so. told him i was just more verbal about it.

he talked about his unhappy upbringing and how he
never knew joy. and that joy for him was maybe havin'
a break, havin' a beer. maybe gettin' a day off of
work. that was it.

can you imagine????

and he said 'you brought something out in me that i
never shared with anyone. you brought out the
shakespeare inside myself.'

seriously.
that's what he said.

the shakespeare inside himself.
what an incredible way to describe it.

i told him that he needed to share it with all
kindsa people. the more he shared it, the more
it'd grow. he laughed real hard. talked about
how crazy people would think he is. then said
'what the heck.' like he maybe he would.

i smiled on my side of the phone.

we talked about joy. we talked about tears.
we talked about laughing and we talked about
hurting.we talked about the time he tried to kill
himself. i asked him about that and where he was
inside himself then. he told me a bit about it.

he was in his fifties when he did that.
wow.

he didn't feel he had any place he belonged.

that's the last time he cried, he said.
when he found out that he wasn't dead.
he was so disappointed he was still alive,
he cried.

wow.
wow.
we stopped there. i needed to just kinda hold that
a bit. that wasn't just something i wanted to
speed by.

and i talked to him about how amazing it was
he was still here and how glad i was that he had
made it thru.

this man is such a reminder to me........
we all need to know we matter.
we all just need that.
it's so darn easy to let people know you care.
it's so so so darn easy.

it's not cause i'm super wonderful that he shares
the shakespeare inside himself with me. it's cause
i let him know i want to see.

ohmygosh.

letting people know you want to see.......
that seems like one of the top three things we need
to offer.

laughin'

it was intermission and a friend made her way
back to me and the guys. i hugged her big time.
hadn't seen her in soooo long. big hug.
then pulled back, looked at her, and hugged her
again. another big hug. pulled back and she said
'how have you been??!!' i responded with a
'ohhhhhhh you know...' and i fell back into
her arms and hugged her again.

and we laughed and laughed.
she understands the craze that can run thru me.
and she holds me when she hugs me and loves me.
gosh, you gotta love friends like that. some
people really know how to give a hug.

her and josh are a pair unlike no other. they
get rollin' with their crazy sense of humor and
their delight in story and entertaining.

didn't take long for them to get goin'. i was
laughin' so hard just listening to them. even
mild manner, quiet yo yo was laughin' pretty good
and commenting on how you just have to get them
started then sit back and enjoy.

at one point, i noticed we were a little loud.
i noticed someone turn around and look at us like
what IS up with you people?? ohhhh, i thought...
you can't even imagine. and went back to laughing.

it was actually not really sposed to be a big
laugh nite. it was a concert. ya know? but bein' with
the guys....laughin' at the intermission, little
jokes between songs, goofin' on the way home....
by the time we landed at the kitchen table to tell
zakk about it, we were laughin' pretty good. it was
the coolest thing. i think it even surprised zakk.
weren't we at some quiet concert??? nah.....we were
together....and it was a lotta fun. he joined in
around the table, and then if felt complete to me.

laughter.
it's good good stuff.
it was a good good nite.

what an evening!

i sat there in complete joy.
sitting next to two of my sons, i watched
one of my best friends offer her passion
to the crowded room. i was so proud of her.

it was her cd release concert, and it could
not have been more wonderful.

i sat way in the back, but had a great view
of her. i watched her and soaked in what she
was doing.

her voice is gorgeous. absolutely gorgeous
and she pours it out. i'm always always always
stunned at the depth and strength of it when
she does a blues or jazz song. my gosh. who
knew she had such power in her?!

i needed the inspiration a lot. i knew i
needed it and opened to it.
i talked to myself as i watched.

look at her,ter.
look how she's just letting out what's
inside of her....and how she's loving it.
look how she's touching the things inside
her and giving them voice. she's not apologetic
for them, nor is she boastful. she's just so
pleased to let it out. she's just offering with
happiness.

i thought of a project i'm working on.
and how i need to go and touch in on what she's
showin' me here.

i listened and loved her. i knew the stories
behind the songs and could easily tap into the
things she was feeling. songs that totally mixed
natural images of birds and moons and woods with
her life happenings and the people in her life.
i loved the mixture. it totally captures who she
is. her heart poured out.

i was hoping she'd do that inner child song i love.
i've posted it here before. i sooooo wanted to hear
it. but she had to cover what was on her cd and some
of her other stuff. as the nite wore on, i kept hoping,
but figured it prolly wasn't gonna happen. when she
played her last song, i thought 'oh well, that's okay.
it was fabulous and i can go home and listen to my
recording of it.'

they called her back for an encore.
she introduced a song. i thought 'oh my gosh, this is
it!' i got so excited i turned to yo with my hand up,
and then i heard her announce a different song. my
hand went down into a punch into his leg. i punched it
a few times hard and then laughed. darn. oh well.
i'm sure this is nice too. and it was. real nice.

and then........and then...........her VERY VERY VERY
last song of the nite, she leans into the mike and says
'i want to put this one out there for terri.' and she
starts my song.

i handed my stack of cds i had bought to yo. i needed
to concentrate. i scrunched up my legs and held my hands
tight......and i listened. and the tears ran down my face
as she sang about finding her inner child. the tears
kept coming, she kept singing and i realized that i had
been missin' her lately. my inner child.
that i haven' connected with my inner child lately.
and i knew i had all kindsa things to do when i got home.
she had inspired me in so many different ways thru out
the nite.

she finished and the room gave her a standing ovation.

she had given her whole heart. and she had given it with
eagerness and happiness.

i clapped as hard as i could......and loved her so much.

afterwards i ran up to give her a hug and thank her for the
song. she told me she loved me. it took me by surprise. i was
the one who loved her, ya know?? i forgot about her loving me
back. funny, huh? i was so swept up in my love for her, i didn't
even think about getting it back. and there...on HER nite.....
when all she had to do was soak in the love everyone had for
her....she told me she loved me.

wow.
i felt like the luckiest person in the world.
she not only sings like the best of them.
she not only offers her soul with grace and ease.
she not only knocks your socks off with her music.
she loves me too!

ha!
how is THAT for one of the best evenings you can possibly
experience?!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

could it have been?

i wasn't sleeping. just resting. laying there this
morning....and i felt a hand gently touch my face.
i felt it.

i felt it and knew it.
and then, ten seconds later was doubting it and
figurin' i didn't really.

could it have been?
i love the idea that it could really have been
someone from 'beyond.'

but i don't know. i'm not too into that stuff.
and yet.......it certainly felt good.

carryin' that with me today and wondering.......

Friday, February 19, 2010

a vid and a rant

the post below reminded me.....
i recently bought a vid about mysticism and it
came in the mail the other day.
i knew it wasn't gonna be the best vid by the
cheap price of it, but i was so interested in
the two guys who are talkin' about the subject,
i thought i'd give it a whirl.

i am really curious and interested in both these
guys....one is matthew fox, some renegade kinda
priest that the vatican tossed out, or silenced
or something....and the other was rupert sheldrake,
a biologist gone a little flakey.

both sound like my kinda guys. and i think they
both are. i think i would like both of them very
much.

but um.....man, they drove me crazy with this vid.

it's on mysticism.
ecstasy in the spiritual realm.
and they BORED ME TO DEATH!

how can you do that?????

what a topic!

i was all excited at first cause they talked about
how it's kinda based in 'awe' and i'm good with awe.
i have that a lot. and then they said you can't squash
the inner child. and i grinned with delight.

so far, i'm cookin'.

and then i practically fell asleep.

i finally got up, switched it off, and turned to the guys
who were workin' in the same room.

'this is on mysticism.' i said.
'how can you bore someone to death???'
and then i took a breath and started in with another
thought.

yo turned to zakk.
'i sense a rant coming on' he said.

'darn right, i'm gonna rant!' and off i went....
i kept goin' as i left the room and went down to do
something that would make me happy and fill me with awe.

i'm not even sure what mysticism is. what it's about.
and maybe one day i'll get some energy up to go finish
the vid and see if i can learn something.....

but my gosh, i think i want to play instead.

knockin' the wind outta me

i had started the day good (see posts below)
but something is still haywire inside me.

so i stepped outside.
pulled the trash around, pretty much head down
watchin' the ice and snow and veering around
things.

when i parked the trash cans, turned to walk
down the street, i looked up.

ohmygosh.
both my arms went up to the air and dropped
at my side.
totally a reaction.
i didn't think about it at all.

you know, in one of those 'i can't believe this
is here' motions.

wow.
i felt like i hadn't seen the sky in a million years.

it was gorgeous.

it was so gorgeous, that i started to cry as i walked
down the street.

terri, there is something wrong with you, i told myself.

i can't help it, i thought.
it's just so beautiful.
and i so needed it this morning.

what IS it about the sky???

it takes my soul and grabs it so tight sometimes, it
knocks the wind outta me. but in a good way.

and sometimes....some mornings.......that seems like the
only thing that will reach into the muddle.

it did this morning.
and my gosh, it felt good.

laura needed some groovy sneakers....

i got up this morning and looked over at
my rocket dogs (my goofy sneakers).
i had pulled them off and left them
by my bedroom door.

i have absolutely no idea why but the
thought popped into my head 'i wonder
what laura ingalls wilder (you know,
the little house on the prairie lady)
would have done if she had these!'

and i smiled.

'all she had were those icky shoes,' i thought.

and i laughed.
i have no idea where that popped in from.
but then i was on a roll.

ohhhh what would she have said if she coulda
had THIS i thought as i zipped up my bright red
onsie thing that the kids say make me look like
a tele tubbie. right over my pj's. all warm over
my feet.

i thought...oh there were times she coulda used this!

that did it. i was off on a roll.
i started walkin' around my house thinking 'what about
THIS?!'

'or THIS?!'

try it. it's hard to stop!!

woe.
it certainly made me see how much i have.
so, now, bein' grateful for health (see post
below) i suddenly landed into gratitude for tele tubbie
onsies and pellet stoves and water filters.

not a bad way to start the day....

the big news......

first....the big news!

she's home!!!
my friend's daughter is home from
the hospital! still some loose ends....
but looks like everything is fine.

whew!!!!!

i was crazy yesterday waiting to hear.

wanted to share as a lot of you guys
prayed and did whatever it is you do.
thank you!

think i'm gonna take today to feel some
major gratitude for the health surrounding
us. too easy to take for granted.

celebrating with my friends!
she's home!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

tryin' to warm up

i moved to the floor.
sitting right in front of the pellet stove.
workin' there.

rare i do that.
specially now. i'm usually too warm.

i noticed it.
i couldn't soak in the heat enough.
i cannot get enough.

it occurred to me.....
my friend's daughter....the one in the
hospital....she's on my mind.
our children....when things are up in the
air with them.........i'm not good with that.

even if our children are adults.

and i get cold.
and have trouble warming up.

how weird is that?
and at the same time...how neat is that?

headin' back to the heater......

what we're here for....

ohmygosh.......the decision making process around
here got jammed. i had just planned on runnin' up
to see her in the hospital. be there with her, let
her know i cared.

then all kindsa things jammed the process.
stupid silly things. it was frustrating the daylights
outta me.i'm just a 'grab your coat and go love them'
kinda person. but sometimes people don't want that.
and who are you doing it for???

i had called josh, woken him up to see if he wanted
to go. yep, he did. by the time he walked in i was
totally unsure of it all.

after muddled consultation in the living room with
everyone, josh and i decided to go. the deciding
factor? after all the back and forth? she's alone
in the hospital and she's got to be scared.
and that did it. we looked at each other and said
'let's go.'

josh is my favorite person on the planet to travel
with. he makes ANY kinda thing better for me. all
my guys do, but josh and i are wired so similarly
that it's just amazing how good we work together.

it was a crazy ride up to the place, a bit of a
hike, and congestion that i had forgotten existed.

we got to her empty room. she was out for a test.
we thought we may miss her....but the universe
was good to us.

she arrived as we were standing in the hall tryin'
to figure out what to do.

and she looked glad to see us.
that helped a lot.
i was wonderin' if she was gonna want to hide
when she saw us. she's josh's age. and beautiful
and maybe the whole combination with josh, and
hospital gowns, and the whole deal wasn't gonna
work for her.

nah, she seemed glad.
that helped a lot.

are you scared? i asked her after we settled in.
yeah, a little she said.
she was a lot scared the nite before.
calmed down a bit.
but still a little scared.

yeah.
who wouldn't be?

nothin' like hangin' in a hospital to see if
there's something wrong with you.

sigh.

so we visited.
her parents arrived.
that was good.
something about a family unit.
feels good.

we headed out,let them be, headed home.
and we talked as we drove.......

... of the moments.
and of how that's what we had.
of her...of life...of friends.

at one point josh said dropping everything
and headin' up was the kinda thing life was
for. that that's what we made our livings for.
he even said that's why we have cars....so we
can drive up and see each other.
cause that's the kinda thing that matters.
our taking care of each other, being there
for each other.

i smiled as i drove.

josh usually makes jokes about conquerin' the
world and muscle cars, and testosterone crazed
masculine take over the world attitude jokes...
and to hear him say that....specially about the
car.......it just made me smile.

and i said a prayer for her as she lay there
waiting to talk to a doctor, for her parents,
who have been friends forever and must feel so
anxious right now...and i thanked the universe
for havin' people in my life i cared so much about.

and thanks to anyone here who sent up prayers....
we've got her surrounded! and that's one heck of
a good thing.....

healing

just a reminder today.........

our children are precious.
let's hold them with all the love
we can.

my friend's daughter landed in the
hospital yesterday. i got the note
this morning.

if you prayer, or work with energy,
or do vibes, or good thoughts....
would you consider sending them to
this young woman? let's surround her
with all the healing we can.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

what i'd tell them/what i'd tell me...

two different guys were on my mind this morning.
one is runnin' fast and furious away from his
life, the other frustrated me so much, that i
found myself calling him a jerk in my mind.
'jerk' is one of the harshest things i ever call
anyone. i noticed it and wondered about it.

so i hopped on my treadmill and took these two
guys with me in my head.

what would i tell them if they could hear me?

to the first guy, i would tell him to stop runnin'.
just stop. take a rest. breathe. and turn around.
to trust that he can handle it, that it's a gift,
and tho it may be hard to face some things, he'll
get so much out of doin' that. and i'd remind him
that we only get so much time...don't fill it with
running.

to the guy i dubbed jerk, i would tell him to get
the heck out of himself. to reach beyond himself,
to see the beauty around him, and to step into it.
to offer something to someone. to see others. to
make his world way bigger than the tiny thing he's
shrunk it to. i'd remind him it's a gift.

mmmmmmm.....i kept walkin'...........and listened
to what i had to tell these guys. mmmmmmmm.....
maybe i needed to hear all this too. the gift part.
the recurring theme.
it's a gift.
you only get so much time.
don't fill it with running.
reach beyond yourself and make your world bigger.
it's a gift.

that's a pretty darn good message.
i thought of my day.
i was a little nervous about it.
i've been in a wobbly mood.
it can make some moments tough.

but then i started thinking about what i had to say
to these guys. really hearing it. really holding it.
what does that mean, ter?
what are you gonna do with your day?

i want to hold it like the sacred gift that it is.

interestingly enough, eating came to mind.

i make a protein milkshake for breakfast.
guzzle it down so i can do some school stuff with
zakk.
well.....how about i pour that drink into a
beautiful cup, and how about i sip it?
and how about i think about everything i put in my
mouth today and not just mindlessly shove it in.
how about i think of the nutrients i need, and not
the sugar i want.

hmmmmmmm.........how interesting all that came up
for holding the day sacred.

okay. i can do that.
and in doing that, i can be reminded over and over
again that it's a gift. and i can keep holding the
day as just that.

hmmmm...
looks like these guys this morning helped me out.
go figure.

there's goodness everywhere.
if you we just look for it.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

kinda interesting.....

yesterday i posted about feelin' crazed and
then seeing my heart thru out the years and
seein' that it was the same and how that
calmed me down a bit.

didn't know why. just knew it did.

well, last nite i read this.....

'in the state i am calling psychological
liminality, a person's sense of identity
is hung in suspension. you are no longer
fixed to particular mental images and contents
of yourself or others. the 'i' is caught
up in a field that it cannot control, whose
patterns it does not recognize as 'me.'
while the sense of 'i-ness' and some of its
continuities remain during liminality, the
prevailing feeling is one of alienation,
marginality and drift.'


ohhhhhhhh yeah.
i nodded.
yeah.
yeah.
i know that one.

and then i thought of how i tried to hang
on to that heart thought i had all day yesterday.
how my heart was the same.
that thought.

i kept goin' back to it all day.

putting it into context of what he just said,
i could see how it would be comforting.

i thought that was so cool.
and maybe a good tool when i'm feeling that
'drift' feeling.

hang on to your heart, ter.
it's something to hold.

a passing fit

sometimes i really do want to throw a little
kid fit. i really do.

i want people to stay in my life until i say
it's okay for them to leave, darn it.
and i want SOME things to be perfect. i really
do.

i thought that this morning as i reminded myself
that nothing is perfect.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

well plllllllllhhhhhhhhhhhppppppppppppp.........
i want some things to be perfect.
and i just felt like stampin' my feet.

and then i thought about that.
do i?
do i really?

what do i want to be perfect?
my relationships? with my sons? with my guy?
with my girlfriends? nahhhh i guess i don't.
cause those bumps we all hit, those do good
things. hard. tiring. but good.
and i guess i wouldn't trade them off for a
perfect bump free road.

want work to be perfect?
nahhh i guess not. the struggle with work has
done powerful things for me. i wouldn't give
that back for anything.

okay.
okay.
and on i went.....

the only thing i could think of that was perfect
and i wanted to be perfect was 'love.' and yeah,
you can substitute 'god' in there or whatever
word you like.

i use love.
and part of the perfection of pure love is that
imperfections don't matter.

then i got dizzy.
cause i got into things like the imperfections are
perfection and things like that and my head just
about exploded.

where i left it is this.......
not perfect is okay.
i'm okay with that.

the fit passed.

only you

i knew yesterday i was looking outside of myself
for things that i needed to find inside myself.

and yet....i kept doin' it.
i'd stop myself and refocus......and then do it
again.

by the time i went to bed,
it had been knocked into me that it was
up to me and that i really had to look there.
bam. bam. bam.
knock. knock. knock.
i think i got it.
i got it.
i got it.

that's good and bad.

i like it cause it's cool to be the source.
there really is something incredible about that.

i don't like it cause i just want someone or
something to make it all okay for me.

this morning as i walked i rambled everywhere
in my thoughts. then kinda just stopped myself
and said 'okay, what's the deal?'

and the answer that came immediately was.....
nothing is perfect.

nothing is perfect.
and it's where you focus, terri.
it's where you focus.

the two things kinda meshed together because
when you go looking for things outside you to
answer things they can't answer, it's not gonna
work. and you can get disappointed that they
aren't enough or you can get refocused.

you can see things as letting you down....
or you can see them as being way cool for what
they are and knowing they aren't the answer to
everything.

it's where you focus.
and nothing is perfect.

maybe instead of nothing is perfect,
it should be....nothing has all your answers.
even you.

even when you look inside you.

or no. no. no.
maybe it should be........nothing else or no one
else has all your answers, except you.
it's just you gotta realize that sometimes your
answer for yourself is 'there is no answer, you
gotta trust.'

and trusting is your answer.
and only you can answer that for yourself sometimes.

yeah, maybe that's it.

Monday, February 15, 2010

a bone sigh

had some bone sighs scribbled on papers
around my desk. putting them in my notebook
this morning, i found this one.

wanted to share.....

the flame flickers as the wax drips
down the side.
out the window, bare tree branches
reach out in prayer.
sipping my tea, i think of you.
wish it had been different.
acknowledge it was not.
and release you.

churning

so i got on the tread mill without my music.
too much to think on this morning....
and so i walked and walked and walked on that
silly thing.

and i thought.

and i thought....okay......i feel crazed inside
again. fine. whatever. maybe i can just ignore
that and do all the things i want to do today.
yeah. yeah. let's just ignore it.

hmmmmm.......that's dumb, i thought. it'll just
come back.

and so i launched into a debate of how much energy
to give the crazy feelings. too much energy directed
that way, and it takes over. not enough, and it
takes over.

there's a balance here somewhere.
maybe i can find it.

i walked and my thoughts rambled.
i have no idea how i got to a memory i got to.
but somehow, i remembered when i was a young teen
workin' at a 'hospital' that i used to volunteer at.
it was an institution in the worst sense of the word.
and there was a ward full of kids who had been stashed
in this place and would never leave. they had a range
of things....from physical deformities to severe autism
to muscular dystrophy to all kindsa things. forgotten
children.

i volunteered there all my teen years. and early on,
i ended up making construction paper name tags for over
the cribs and beds. just to brighten the place up a bit.
i started with the kids i worked with. too shy to do but
a few. but gradually nurses from different rooms would ask
me to make them for their rooms, and after a bit, i had
decorated the whole ward. i was prolly 15. and these were
just construction paper animal cut out name tag things.
nothing fancy for sure. but ANYTHING brightened up that
place.

i remembered my heart back then. i remember being shy
about creating things for others, but seeing that it
could help, i went ahead and did it.

i looked back at that young teen, and now at this late
forty something woman.

ohmygosh.
some things REALLY don't ever change.

and i could see my heart was so the same.
i like to think it's wiser now....but the desires,
the drive, the caring.....it's all the same.

and i held on to that.

this midlife stuff can unnerve me.
things don't feel familiar.
i don't understand what's going on inside me sometimes.
i want the churning to stop.
i don't know where to hang on to.

and then.....i saw my heart.
and i saw it was steady.
and i liked it.
looking back at it....and all along.....
i liked it.

and as i walked on that tread mill, i held on
to that. something steady to hold in the waves.

my soul is churning. and i'm not sure what to
do with it sometimes. when i read that line
i posted below about it demanding to be seen,
loved and honored...oh wow......that actually
calms me down a bit.

is that what the churning is?
and how does the soul connect to my heart?
if i can see my heart and recognize it and love
it and honor it...am i seeing my soul?
is that something different?

i'm not sure. but i figure starting with my heart
is a good place to start. and i tell ya, that was
the first steady moment i felt on that treadmill
when i saw it was the same all along and it was
something i could look at and hold.

i have been talking for years about seeing myself.
maybe my soul is tired of all the talk and wants
some action.

maybe that's what this is all about......

stirred up....

maybe it was the asking other women about
their mid life experiences that stirred things
up in me. i don't know. but i'm stirred up
again. and my gosh...it's not the most secure
feeling in the world.

interestingly enough, i found the midlife book
the guys had given me for christmas yesterday.
i had forgotten about it.

after a few nites of wicked weird dreams,
i picked it up this morning in desperation,
i found some great lines.....

midlife is 'a time when persons are going through a
fundamental shift in their alignment with life
and with the world, and this shift has psychological
and religious meaning beyond the interpersonal and
social dimensions. midlife is a crisis of the spirit.'

yeah.
yeah.
i nodded and read on.

'the soul slips out of confinement and demands to
be seen, loved, honored. it must, too, be feared
for its insistence and its determination to live
and be granted the glory it is owed.'

ohmygosh, yes.
and i read on.

'when the soul awakens at midlife and presents its
gifts, life is permanently marked by the inclusion
of them. taken in, they become the hallmark of your
life, the core of your uniqueness. refused, they
can haunt your days and may undermine all your
toiling.'

sigh.

why is it i can tell this guy's a man?? he's
freakin' me out a bit here.

grin.

at the same time,i so needed to read that this morning.

it's from the very beginning pages of a book called
'in midlife' by murray stein.

and once again my insides are all stirred up.....

Sunday, February 14, 2010

happy valentine's day!

when i was young, i would wait around hoping some
guy would give me a valentine.
well, he wouldn't.
and i would mope.
i really didn't like the day very much.
it felt more like a 'why won't anyone pick
me' day. then a day about love.

i've grown up a lot.
and realize i can go get my own darn valentine
for myself and i can show myself and all the
people around me love.

it's not about waiting for some guy to show
me he cares. it's not about being picked or
belonging to someone else.

i've had valentine's days with a significant
other. i've had them without. i've had them
with a full heart and with a broken heart.
and something i know is this.......
it's a day to celebrate love. and even with
a broken heart..or a lonely heart...
there is love around you. you just need to
reach out to it.

it's not about being picked or belonging to
someone. it's about knowing you count. loving
yourself, and spreading love all around your
world.

i believe strongly in this.
because i think it's a day we can get out of
ourselves and make our worlds better.
it's a day we can deliberately take the time to
tell ourselves we matter to ourselves and to
tell the others in our lives they matter to us.

it's a day that we can GIVE love.
and in the giving.......we will get so much more
than we could have imagined.

if you're waiting around for someone to give you
a valentine, maybe your lookin' in the wrong spot.
maybe it's YOU that needs to do the giving....

sending love to every single one of you.
happy valentine's day!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

something to shoot for

comfort zones.
i like those.

i can get real snuggly cozy inside them.
and i can see how that can shrink you so
fast.

steppin' outta them on purpose....
i need to do that more.

a lot more.

i'm steppin' out in several different ways
this weekend. which is a good thing.
but i've been squriming a bit about it.

and i think the key is obvious. if i'd just
pay attention........

don't make it all about me, for pete's sakes.

loose the me.
step into the all.
and then it's one heck of a grand dance.

and i think that probably works always, all the time.

step into the all.

what a great way to look at it.

oh man, if i could wake up every day thinking that....
ohhhhhh.....

gotta go find my 'steppin' into the all' shoes and
lace them up.

oh.
i guess that would be dancing shoes.

how's this for something to shoot for.....

'she laced her dancing shoes every day, opening her
heart as she did so. stepping into the all, she
kicked up her feet, touched the stars, and danced
with life.'

putting shy and comfortable on the table today.
i got something to shoot for.

Friday, February 12, 2010

let's go!

skipped the boots this morning and put on my
walkin' shoes.
practically flew around the neighborhood.
i felt about a thousand pounds lighter.

gonna take the day, grab it, and make it
what i want!

how about you? care to join me?

sharin'......

really cool thought from this book i'm reading.

she talks about a thought william james had when
he wrote about there being two kindsa people in
the world. Once-Born and Twice-Born.

'once-born people do not stray from the familiar
territory of who they think they are and what they
think is expected of them. if fate pushes them to
the edge of dante's famous dark woods - where the
straight way is lost - they turn back. they don't
want to learn something new from life's darker lessons.

a twice-born person pays attention when the soul
pokes its head thru the clouds of a half-lived life.
whether through choice or calamity, the twice -born
person goes into the woods, loses the straight way,
makes mistakes, suffers loss, and confronts that
which needs to change within himself in order to
live a more genuine and radiant life.'

she talks of being careful with the concepts, and
not being judgmental and also not mistaking them
for needing drama. 'the outer story line need not
be a soap opera, since the real drama is being carried
out in the heart of the traveler.'

loved this......and the line she ends the chapter with:
'if there is one thing that has made a difference in
my life, it is the courage to turn and face what wants
to change within me.'

thought that was good stuff to share.
comes from 'broken open' by elizabeth lesser.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

pam's blog

sharing a friend's blog......
for anyone who has experienced or
is experiencing great loss.....

check out pam's blog.

a muddled mess

took a long and slow walk this morning.
those boots were feelin' pretty heavy and
my legs weren't movin' so fast.
but that was okay, as all i wanted was
to be out in the snow and feel the cold.

delicious.

i walked and thought about feeling things.
REALLY feeling things.

feeling things so deeply you become them.

happiness.
love.
sadness.
grief.
joy.

all of it.

how if you really let go and feel it, it's
like wading into an ocean. and then swimming
in the middle of an ocean.

yeah, but i feel like such a little girl,
i thought as i trudged in my boots that
were too heavy for my legs.

that ocean looks awful big to a little girl.

ah, but you're not a little girl, i thought.
and it's not an ocean.

you and it are the same thing.

oh man.

one feels so small (that would be me)
and one feels so gigantic (that would be
love and fear and all those things)

are you afraid you won't be able to swim
back? i thought.

yeah. a little.
or a lot.
yeah.

then i realized i was confused.
it's not getting lost in emotions.
getting lost in a sea of emotions wouldn't
necessarily be a good thing.

it was different.

it was becomeing love that i wanted.
and the path to that was wading straight
into fear, joy, sorrow, happiness....all
of it.

and then i got really muddled.

i've been struck this past week at our
ability to let go and become love. at our
ability to let go and become joy.

we have the ability to let go and go beyond
our selves.

we have the ability to let go of ourselves
and become more.

i am positive of that.
i've touched it.
and it scares me.
and i'm not sure why.

and yet.....i want it.
i think.
only maybe not yet.

i'm not sure.

i know there's lessons in here for me.
but i can't quite sort them yet.

so thought i would start with the muddle
and we'll just go from there.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

thru the darn roof

they were headin' out again to go do another
round of shovelin'.

ohhhhhh i just finished a ton of caffeine.
i would need a few pee breaks before i was
headn' out. i felt like a little kid.

ohhhhhhh. now? do you have to go now???
will you go out later with me, huh?
i want to go out later. will you go out later
with me?? i wanted to go out when it got
all windy and whited out.

they promised.

out they went.

i went back to work.
bob called. asked how i was. told him i was
waiting for the 'white out conditions' so
i could go take a walk in that.

YOU'RE NUTS! he bellowed over the phone.

me?
why?
don't you want to experience what white out
conditions are like???

YOU'RE NUTS! he bellowed again.

i went back to work smilin'.
yeah, maybe a little.
but it's a fun nuts.

workin' away when it hit me.
those guys won't want to go out again once
they come in.

ohmygosh.
i better get out there.

i ran around.
grabbed my snow pants.
felt like i was five all over again.
ohmygosh.
hurry.
hurry.
boots on.
where's my mittens???
ohhhhh they're gonna come back.
ohhhhhhhh......

i got all set and looked up.
they were rounding the corner to
the door.

oh no!
i scooted out the door and slammed
it behind me.

YOU CAN'T COME IN!

they laughed.
they were just puttin the shovels back.
they were up for a walk.

yo laughed and imitated me.
'had a little caffeine, mom??'

yeah, just a bit.
but really? it's this snow that's making
me so darn happy.

it wasn't exactly white out conditions but
it would have to do. there was some wind.

and off we went.

we got up to the corner and i sat on a clump
of snow and just let the wind whip thru my hair.

'you experiencing it?' zakk asked.

'oh yeah.
feel that.
doesn't it just feel like it's cleaning your
aura???'

zakk grinned. he's a sport.
eventually we headed back....

what a glorious glorious glorious day.
it was a ten on a scale to ten.
the happiness went thru the roof today.

thru the darn roof.

a gift from the heavens

he called to check in.
commented on all the snow outside.
'isn't it just gorgeous?!' i asked him.

he laughed.
'i knew you were gonna say that!' he said.
'ter, it's one helluva mess!'

what?
are you serious???

and i laughed.

how did we ever team up???
i thought it was a gift from heaven.

i went out for a few hours this morning.
tried not to do any shovelin' and just let
the guys do it....but i couldn't stand it
and finally joined in.
it felt so good!

zakk told me i'd be warmer if i didn't go
wanderin' waist deep into the snow.

i was arguin' his logic when yo stepped
in and said 'zakk, i don't think mom can
do anything without getting fully into it.'

i took that as a huge compliment!

i saved the knee deep stuff for when we were
all done with the 'chores' and then i went
wading around in my back yard.

it is INCREDIBLE!

i have not walked in snow this deep since
i was a kid!

i fell over by accident a couple of times,
fell over on purpose a couple of times,
pretended i was in a blizzard in the wild
and crawled to safety, pulling myself up
by a tree i had crawled to....
laughed like a goon, and lay down smack in
it all to thank the universe for this gift
all around me. i talked to myself out loud.
pretended i was on the prairie taking care
of the homestead, talked in a prairie farmer
kinda voice as i dumped the recycling into
another bin and stood on some snow that made
me so high i could touch my roof. knocked
icicles down off my roof yelling 'take that!'
and laughed all over again.

when bob asked me what i had done outside
i just said 'oh, you know...'
and laughed.

he laughed back.
cause he kinda knew.

it's not a helluva a mess.
it's a gift from the heavens......
and i'm so glad we've got it.

dustin' off my hands...

i got up this morning and messed up a frame
for one of the pieces i'm putting in an art
show. i ruined the frame and have to get another.
so any profits from that piece, i just lost.

i'm only entering two pieces.

usually something like that doesn't bother me
a lot. but this morning, it bummed me out.
like a low level hum of a bum runnin' thru me.

i walked and thought about the frame, how even
if i hadn't ruined it, i wouldn't make enough
on the show to even cover my traveling expenses
for the show...and i started thinking about money.

and i was gloomy and clingy and money centered.

and i looked at the snow falling all around me
and i stopped and i looked at myself and said
huh???
what ARE you doing???

what ARE you doing, ter???
where ARE you???

isn't this all around you telling you something?
isn't it reminding you of what matters???

earlier this morning i had gotten sad because it
feels to me like so many people are missing the
beauty of the snow. they're caught up in the
inconvenience and missing the beauty. and it made
me sad. how come they can't see it? how come they
let it pass and don't hold it?

she says as she goes out thinking gloomy money
thoughts in the middle of a winter wonderland.

how perfect.
how perfect.

and how odd.
it was so unlike me.
and yet.....it was a side of me i have.
and it helped me see the ones i felt sad about.

i could see as i walked how people can miss it.
how we get sidetracked with distractions and things
that don't matter.

the money doesn't matter, ter.
give it away.
and i decided right then that i'd give my profits away.
(and no, it's not much money....but it's symbolic to me)

give it away, ter, and hold this right here.

and i walked and i felt the snow on my skin.

a pick up truck was coming down the road. there wasn't
anywhere for me to go. i looked around a bit and just
squeezed to the side as best i could, and i jokingly
sucked in my stomach and held it in with my hands.

the guy rolled down his window, laughed, said good morning
and left me there with a big smile on my face.
i noticed it. and held it.

it's way too easy to get distracted with things that
don't matter. way to easy to let stupid things get you
down.

i look out at the snow as i type and my eyes just
well with tears. there's way too much beauty to hold.
i can't even hold a fraction of it if my hands are
empty and willing. how can i hold any of it if my
hands are filled with things that don't matter?

dustin' off my hands and holdin' them out to the
universe.......fill me with beauty today. i'll
hold it as best i can. i'll try, anyway.

snow outside my window

the snow is falling again....
i just lay in bed and watched it...
i felt like a queen.

i am so full with the beauty i don't
even know what to say.

read this hafiz poem.....
thought it worked for me this morning....

to the beauty outside my window....
i give you this poem.....


Noise
Is a cruel ruler
Who is always imposing
Curfews,
While
Stillness and quiet
Break open the vintage
Bottles,
Awake the real
Band.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

happiness

i hit the magic time this morning.
i got out just before the sun came up.
ah man......it's gorgeous.

i caught different angles of the sky
and different colors coming up in different
parts.

over here was this golden winter glow....
stunning.
i just stood and looked at it.
it held all the deep winter moods inside
its colors.

over here were the colors of summer just
poppiin' out all over and teasin' us....
i looked at them and laughed.
the colors reminded me of colors i'd wear
in the summer...reminded me of beaches and
popsicles and watermelon.

it was completely glorious.

two completely different moods in two different
spots in the sky. how cool.

i felt so good just looking and feeling the
cold.

i thought about being healthy.
i had exercised again this morning. feels
so good to be back at it. i've been eating
pretty good, and i just want to be healthy.

thought of how much happiness has got to play
into that.

it's got to be a huge huge factor.

i want to kinda concentrate on happiness this week.
i just decided that.

i'm pretty happy.
i walked and thought of all the things i do right.
(that's unusual....it's usually what i do wrong!)
but i thought of having a job i love, having a partner
i love, sons i love, a life i love.....all that's
gotta be good for your health, ter.

but i get stressed and sad and all that stuff.
and yeah, i know.....it's part of life.

but i think i want to concentrate on happiness this
week. kinda like a science experiment.
i want to pay attention to it, harvest it, embrace it,
encourage it, hunt it down if i have to.

i want to pay more attention to my moods and my
health.

i know i can't be happy all the time.
but i sure can work on the worry and the stress!
and be okay with sadness.

so i just wrote happiness down on my desk.
it's gonna be my science experiment this week.....

Monday, February 8, 2010

rejoicing in you!



i tried to send this card out to a whole buncha
people in my life who matter to me....but ya know,
i couldn't get everyone! but i did get a few!!!

but because of not having snail mails and about a
thousand other reasons, some of you did not get
one! so i'm putting it here for you. it may not
be in your mailbox, but it's so in my heart.

not sure if you can read this or not....so on the
cover it says:
turning her twinkling eyes towards me,
she grinned.
i'm embracing my life! she said.
rejoicing in it!
and it just wouldn't be
the same at all
without you!

and inside it says....
just so you know....you matter.


and just so you know.....
i mean it.

uneasy

so okay, three different things happened
to me this weekend that kinda opened my eyes
to my inner workings or something.

not sure how to explain it.

but what happened was it all left me feeling
way like an alien.

i really don't like feelin' like an alien.

but here i am.
feelin' like one.

it's not a real trusting spot to be in.

i'm kinda suspicious of life.
of me.
it's a different twist on self doubt, i think.

so i walked and wondered.
and decided that this is where i'm at right now
and that instead of wallowing in the feeling,
why not just know i've got it and try something
different.

like trusting thru it.

like saying 'okay, maybe i am an alien.
maybe just maybe i don't fit anywhere. and maybe
i'll trust that. and trust life. it's led me to
some really good places. let me just trust while
i feel insecure here.'

and i think i really like this idea.

and i think i can make it just more than words.

i think i can do it.

so i'm feelin' a little weird this morning.
uneasy.
but thinking i'm going to take that uneasy feeling
and hand it to the universe.

and go concentrate on what i need to do today.
at the same time...i wanna watch.

cause i feel like there's something to watch for.
even if i don't know what it is.....

good morning world!


THIS is my goodmorningworld spot.

and yes...it's on the corner of a neighborhood
road and a highway. across the street is a
shopping center. it's not a glamorous spot at all.
and yet, it's the place if i turn my back to the
highway, pretend the car sounds are the river,
and look at the trees, it's almost as good as
being in vermont!

and in this picture.....you just might think i am!

that tree directly behind me is the tree that i relate
to up there. it seems to know my moods!

wanted to share....

Sunday, February 7, 2010

payments

we were walking, checkin' out the snow
sights and we chatted.

i mentioned someone we knew who shoveled
the same amount of driveways as yo and
his brothers, only he got paid for it.
i mentioned how much money he made.

'i guess i kinda raised you wrong,' i
smiled. 'you coulda been out there makin'
money and i taught you to go out there and
be nice.'

i laughed.
'sorry about that.'

he smiled.
'oh, i'd much rather do it because i cared
about people. if you're gonna be out there
all day shovelin', that's what's gonna keep
you goin'. i wouldn't want to do that for
money.'

what a cool thought.
i hadn't really thought of that.
yeah.
i agree.

our talk turned to this shot for a picture
and what about this one...and we meandered
home.

as we passed one of the houses the guys
dug out, the man who lived there came towards
us. he was walkin' with his cane.
he's due in next week for a knee operation.

he met us at the street, cane in hand
and thanked yo for what he and his brothers
had done. he was really appreciative.

yo was real gracious about it and the man
just kinda stopped, cocked his head and
looked at him.

'i like you.' he said.

just like that.

and then he turned to me and told me i had
some great sons and looked back at yo
and repeated himself.

'i like you.'

what a cool moment.

what a totally cool moment.

i do believe yo just got paid.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

some things never change...

i lay there under the stars with snow
under me and i remembered a nite 32
years ago. i was 16. it was winter.
it was snowing. it was nite.

i lay down under the trees in my yard
and looked up at the sky.

i wondered what life was about and
where i was goin'.

i just lay there and let the snow fall
on my face as i wondered about it all.

i remembered that tonite.
i remembered that young girl.
full of so many many good things.

and i looked up at the sky and wondered
what life was about and where i was goin.

and i smiled.

whispering to the stars....

the guys had been out for hours.
they shoveled everyone out.
they are amazing and totally deserve
halos!

i shooed them in, telling them i'd
be along after i got some snow off a
few more trees.

'there's stew on the stove,' i hollered
and headed off to finish up.

the snow was so deep, i actually got
stuck in it, tryin' to clear my window
box! my foot got stuck, i fell backwards
just laughing. i just lay there laughing.
my gosh. i love this stuff.

got myself up and headed back to the
trees.

once i finished that.....it was the time
i had been waiting for.

i found just the perfect spot in my back
yard.

ohhhhhh my gosh.
it GLISTENED with sparkles everywhere.
it was a blanket of diamonds.

i plopped down on my back and just looked
up at the sky thru the snow covered branches.

my gosh.
it was so beautiful.

i lay flat on my back with my legs bent at
the knees and that actually worked. the snow
was that deep!

at one point i sat up and looked over at
my kitchen window. the lights were on and
i could see the hearts hangin' everywhere.

i looked up at the sky, and down at the snow
and just fell back again.

and i whispered to the stars:

she lay on a blanket of diamonds looking
up at a sea of diamonds and thanked god
for this gift she was given called life.

it still's coming down!!!

the snow keeps falling.
i have never ever gotten to witness
this kinda beauty before in my whole life.

i went out before the guys this morning,
cause i just couldn't wait any longer!

as i wandered KNEE DEEP outside, a plow
came by. i swear, it was as if i was
five. i stopped and watched and waved
and waved and waved.

the guys came out just a bit after that
and we started diggin' out the driveway
and cars.

and the plow man came thru again.
this time he stopped.
i ran up to the plow to say hello.

he rolled down the window and asked
'are we having fun yet?'
he most certainly was not and figured
no one else was either.

ohmygosh yes! i hollered up at him.
and laughed.

i asked him if he was tired, and how
long he'd been goin'. and told him we
appreciated him.

he looked beat. and had been goin' for
a long time......and would be back at it
tonite.
he headed off and i turned back to
the driveway.
but i got distracted.
and went to go shake a tree off.
and then another.
and then this one over here.
oh. look at this one. better get this
one.

and before i knew it i was trudgin'
knee deep all over my back yard.
i would stand under the branches and
shake the snow off only to have it land
all over me! and i'd laugh and cackle and yell
out 'it's a double blizzard!' and laugh
some more.

i was truly carryin' on like a five year
old in my back yard.

i don't know what came over me.
it was as if i knew no one could see me and
the whole world was mine.

and i loved it.

i made my way back out front, back to my
guys in the driveway. i leaned against my
car completely outta breath.

'i do not remember when i have felt this
good before!' i announced.

i absolutely and totally love winter.
i absolutely and totally love feelin' free
and just bein'. i think snow gives me that
for some reason.

later as i looked out my kitchen window
at the tracks i had made thru the back yard,
i laughed.
definitely the tracks of a person with
attention deficit! they zig zagged everywhere!

i've now dried off, had lunch, called bob
chicken for not braving 20 inches of snow
and his unplowed road that he told me he'd
do to come see me and settled in with a cup
of coffee and some work.

and the snow keeps falling.

the beauty of winter sweeps thru me and i
can just barely stand it it's so big.

i look out my window at these white trees
and i think i am the luckiest person alive.

snow and snow and snow again

ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh!

we're havin' the most snow i do believe
i've ever seen!! it is SUCH fun!

the guys began round one of shoveling
out three neighbors that need a hand and
us. they are such good guys. that was
round one of about seven rounds, i bet.

i was a lame helper. takin' it slow and
watchin' my back. i cleared cars and trees.
kinda lame. but fun.

we finished up. thought we were headin' in
when zakk bounded over like a puppy and said
'we gonna take a walk?!"

i looked at his feet.
soakin' wet chucks.

you sure??? i asked.
yep.
and he proceeded to tell us all that chucks
really were the perfect snow boot.

goofy guy.

and so the guys and i took a walk last nite.
at one point i couldn't feel it.
is it still snowing? i asked. it was
dark, we were under the trees. i took
my hat off. i wanted to feel the storm.

i can't feel it.

zakk tried too.
he couldn't either.

we all decided we were numb and the
snow was blowin' on our backs.

when we turned the other way we could
feel it! oh! there it is! it was blowin'
ice in our faces!

i kept my hat off to 'feel the storm.'

there was a noise and everything flickered
around us! then got dark. the parking lot
across the highway lost it's power.

as we walked back, there was more flickering.
at one point the whole sky lit up from it.

um.
maybe we're in a bad spot, i said.
and walked a little faster.

that's when it really hit me that we REALLY
might lose power and then what would we do
with our elderly neighbor? we couldn't keep
her warm.

i needed to talk to my other neighbors. it
was a little late. i hesitated. yo said
'we shoveled his driveway, you can go knock
on his door.'

i love these guys sometimes.

i went over. a light was on. it was ten
o'clock. i still knocked.

'terri! your cheeks are so red!' was the
greeting i got.

my neighbors are so good.

told him we needed a back up plan for our
elderly neighbor and he had a fireplace.
'i know it's not my place to inflict neighbors
on you.' i told him....but she's old. and
i'm not exactly sure how it works, but old
people die in this stuff.'

ever eloquent.

he has the best heart in the world and was
on it. he was our emergency back up plan.

all was right with the world.
i headed in.
looked in the mirror and gasped.

i have NEVER seen my cheeks so red.
it was as if i painted red on them like
a clown!

my hair was soaked.
and i was shivering.

and i felt so happy i could burst.

and now. we made it thru the nite with power!
the snow is still falling.
bob's gonna come over anyway and spend
the day here.

and for a little bit,life is white, beautiful
and perfect.

i could not be happier.

Friday, February 5, 2010

a favorite vid..

okay, so i'm REALLY wound up and excited.
so i went over to bone sigh arts 'need a laugh?'
page. we've got some of my favorite vids over there.
but the one i was looking for was missing!!!!

gonna have to remedy that.......

i went and found it on youtube and had to share.
i've shared before....but you can never see this
enough.


an adventure approaches...

there's a snow storm due in. a big one.
and i'm really excited....and a little nervous.
it could be really big...

and i keep saying 'as long as nothing bad
happens, this is gonna be soooo cool!'

i laugh every time i say it.
cause i mean it every time and it's such
a dopey thing to say.

a friend posted up on her facebook something
the weather report said and it was soooo
ominous. they actually said the storm is
'a threat to life and property.'

ohhhhhh that makes one a little nervous.
it prompted a conversation with yo. i
was tryin' to figure out all the ways
you could die with a snow storm.

yeah, i was.

and the homeless came up.

that kinda breaks my heart. and of course
the elderly....

i did the responsible thing and offered for
my mom to come stay with me. which we were
both laughing about as i have the coldest
house of anyone we know! and you never know
what will work in the way of heat.
it's not quite the safe haven you want
to offer.

as i was on the phone with her, i was
waiting for the furnace guy to fix our furnace.
she knew that.
and she declined.

i am so laughing.
i have a brother with a warmer house!!!

anyway....i digress......
it's the excitement of the snow coming.

i'm actually nervous and excited and feel
kinda like it's christmas eve! only you
don't worry about a threat to life and
property on christmas eve so it's a little
different.

ANYWAY. the point....where i started...
what i wanted to say....was the phrase...
'if nothing bad happens, this is gonna be
soooo cool'...that phrase.....

is one that needs to be tweaked!

how about 'no matter what happens, this is
gonna be one heck of an adventure!!"

now THAT would be enlightened.
i can't picture sayin' that if my roof
caved in....

but i sure would like to be able to.

life. it's an adventure.
even when something bad happens.

THAT was the point.

do i believe it?
yeah.
do i live it?
no.

so okay.
i got a little tweakin' to do........

Thursday, February 4, 2010

and finally tonite.....

a quote in the book from joseph campbell who
i think i'm in love with....

'we have not even to risk the adventure alone,
for the heroes of all time have gone before us.
the labyrinth is thoroughly known. we have only
to follow the thread of the hero path, and where
we had thought to find an abomination, we shall
find a god. and where we had thought to slay
another, we shall slay ourselves. where we had
thought to travel outward, we will come to the
center of our own existence. and where we had
thought to be alone, we will be with all the world.'


completely and utterly and totally falling on the
floor flat on my back..........

gasp

i just reread my post.
i proofread them after they're up.
not always the smartest thing to do...
but then i fix them if i catch something.

so i just proof read the one below this
and i gasped.

i hadn't realized something.
so okay......first you gotta go read the
post right below this....

then throw this into the mix.....

before my 'life exploded' i kept thinking
about 'purity of heart.'

i kept thinking of the whole idea of that.

and i thought 'i want that.'

and i never ever thought i could get it in
one life time. still don't.
but i still wanted it.
i still wanted to try for it.

and then........
my heart got broken open.

oh my gosh.....

an answer to a prayer?
a first step of many steps of many
life times to maybe get where i wanted to
go???

i've kinda reworded my goal.....
don't think 'purity of heart' a lot these
days. i think things like 'becoming love.'

same thing prolly.....
but the purity of heart....and a broken open
heart......ohmygosh.

and as i look at my heart and the way i've
put it back together......
i've done some good stuff....
but i've done some stuff that totally
won't lead to becoming love or having purity
of heart.

hmmmmmm.........
i gotta watch myself sometimes!

i can be a sneaky duck.
and not even know what i'm doin'.

what is it you want, ter?
and what are you willing to go thru to get it?

my gosh, if i woke up every day with that question
in my mind.......

but i won't.

i might one day or two....
but mostly i think things like 'where's my socks,
gosh is the floor cold!'

grinnin'.....
and gaspin'......
and feelin' grateful for the journey......

me and my heart

ohmygosh, i'm reading way too many books at once.
i don't usually do this, but i think i have
something like five of them goin' at once now!

i just started 'broken open' ....and ohmygosh.
several friends told me i really needed to read
this one. i think they are sooo right!

i just started and am gasping and clutching my
heart!

she's talkin' about people finding themselves
thru the crisis they have and she said 'that
until the body or the heart or the bank was
broken, they didn't know who they were, what
they felt or what they wanted.'

oh ho ho.

i sat there and looked at that word 'heart.'

my heart got so broken open.
my heart.

it wasn't my body or my bank....it was my
heart.

of course.
it had to have been.

i just nodded.

i NEEDED my heart to be broken open so
that i could ohmygosh i don't know what...
rebuild it? refill it?
put back together with my own love?

i don't know....but i so know i needed it.

wow.wow.wow.
go figure.

for a long time i've known it was a good
thing, that i got a lot of good out of it.
but not sure i knew i NEEDED IT.

my heart.
go figure.

me and my heart.
we needed to break a bit.

i gotta remember that when i try so hard
to protect it......

let go? nah.....

oh i thought i had it.
i mean i so thought i had it.

it's so easy terri!
just don't be attached to the outcome!
and you're all set!!

yeah....well....uh.....right.

i'm interacting right now with someone
i've interacted with for years now.
and i have dents in the walls from where
i banged my head over and over during
those years. and in that head banging,
i learned something....

let go.
it's not mine.
let go.

and i have!

okay...so it's taken years.
but i've done it!

so now, we're interacting and i know this.
let go. it's not mine.
don't be attached to the outcome.

and i gotta tell you, i rock!

i'm doin' it!
and it's so workin' beautifully for me!

so i puff my little self around and tell
myself i know the answer now. and off i go
for my walk to think on it.

well...um.......
there's one slight hitch here.....
I'M ATTACHED TO A THOUSAND OUTCOMES!

i mean really really really attached.

oh yeah, i can nod knowingly at you and say
i understand i shouldn't be, or that's not
enlightened or helpful.....

but so what?
I STILL AM!!!

i've let go of this one cause i've gotten
hurt a ton, so much so that i just don't
care anymore.

that's the honest truth.
well....not totally honest truth....
cause i still do care a little bit.
but not like i used to.

so maybe i haven't let go.
maybe i just got beaten into submission.

great.
great.

i KNOW that the way to go is to let go
of attachments.

and i can see way clearly i don't wanna.

so i'm laughin......and shakin' my head
and thinking i got a looooooong way to go
to hit enlightenment!

so much for puffin' around with the answers.
looks like it's back to the drawing board....