Monday, May 31, 2010

memorial day

so there's a lotta lives to honor today.

i was thinking about all the people who have
died.......man, i don't even know how to say
it......in the line of duty?
in the line of service?
for our country?

there is no way to say it that feels right to
me. feels like part of honoring them is not
putting them into a trite sentence.

maybe it should just be 'died fighting.'
some of them totally believed in what they were
fighting for, some didn't at all. the circumstances
were as varied as the people themselves.

amazingly enough, i don't have any friends or
family that have died that way. i find that pretty
incredible.

i do have an uncle who is still alive, and is living
a 'normal' life. thing is, i think he died over in
korea. from what i hear, he never came back the
same. the stories made me cry.

i think of some of josh's friends josh has told me
about. and some of the stories i have read of wives
wondering who the heck it is who came back from
afghanistan.

there's a lotta ways to die. some of them let you
still be here, walking around.
war is a champion at killing in so many ways.

i'll be thinking about these men and women today.
appreciating all that i have and honoring all that
they were and all that they lost....all that WE lost.

it's quite a day.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

a necklace from kim....and the universe.....

so i grabbed a quiet moment this morning and
a package that came in the mail yesterday.
it was my heart necklace i ordered from kim.
(here's kim's blog that was mentioned in a few
posts below if you missed it.....)

i had originally bought it as a gift.
here's the deal.
i don't have a lotta extra money right now.
and i like to support artists. so i purchase from
them all year and buy my gifts for other people
that way. i tuck them away for birthday presents
and christmas. i spread the buying out that way and
get to buy all kindsa cool things.

buying for myself right now isn't in the budget.
which is fine. budgets expand and tighten and i'm
okay with that.

but while i loved this, it wasn't for me.

i probably knocked her over like a hurricane this
morning when i quickly explained to her that my symbol
for myself is a heart. that i want to be love, that
i have been feeling really dark inside....i have been
seein' the blackness and i have been concentrating
on the stars inside of the blackness and how i have
been thinking about not wanting to lose the colors
inside of me...

whoosh i just poured it out fast.
it was either that or write her volumes.....

and here i sit holding something i never would have
bought for myself....just because i am trying to
budget. it's a black heart with shimmering
glowing colors made up of tiny specks of stars with
the word love attached to it.

okay. i'm not blind.
this one was meant for me.

i'm keeping it.

i am SO SO keeping it.

and as crazy as this sounds.....i feel like kim was
my angel.....an instrument of the universe....

hanging around my neck is an affirmation from something
beyond me.....

it's whispering to me......
'hang on to the colors inside you...they are made up of
stars....even in the blackness, they are there.......
you are love.....

tea and stars

there we sat around the table,
havin' tea.

this in itself was odd as he always
hated tea, and there he was asking
me about it and telling me how much
he liked earl grey. we went off to
go pick which kind we were gonna try,
leaving his dad sitting there with this
confused look on his face.

trading sips we compared our teas and
discussed tea bags vs. loose leaves.

go figure.

it had been awhile.
wanting to keep things even keeled, i
dove in and redirected the flow abruptly
several times as i laughed thru the changes.

this was for fun. wanted to keep it that way.
sooner or later we decided to go around the
table offering some news from our lives.

first time we ever did this...and each time
his dad shared something, i turned and said
'really??? i didn't know that.'

we laughed. we need to do this more often.

he shared something personal and i smiled
gently. that was a gift. saw it, asked how
far we could go with talkin' about it, and
then left it alone to honor the gift.

i shared the news of the stars inside me.
he grinned. said he needed a scientific
explanation....

his dad leaned back and watched, and i gave
it my best shot.

the next round of news, i picked something more
practical.

i watched us and thought of how far we have all
traveled. anyone passing by wouldn't think twice
of the three of us sitting there. they'd have no
idea of the sweat and tears that had brought us
to this place.

somewhere along the line, i looked down at the
table.

they didn't notice....but i did....
it was covered with stars.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

a nice evening at home.....

i was pretty beat.
wanted to have some laughs with the guys.
so i grabbed some caffeine.

usually that works wonders.
wow.
nothin'.

i even wondered if i was getting sick.
was sooooo beat.

nah, it's the emotions, ter.
okay, well, i'll just grab another
shot of caffeine.

it wasn't til after my fourth drink of
something caffeinated that it ALL kicked in.

by this time everyone was back to work.
and THEY were beat.
the guys came down to fill an order and
just crashed on the studio floor. i could
see the order wasn't gonna get too far.

i, on the other hand, was workin' a mile a
minute. i couldn't stop.i was flying. it was
great. happy. laughing. intense. able to do
anything.

noah handed me a project expecting to have
to give me a big push on how and why to do it.
i just said 'okay, will do.' and walked away.
he was still mid rant in tryin' to talk me into
doin' it.

josh came thru. he was sposed to be workin'
on his car, but it was 8:30, it was dark,
he had been workin', he just wasn't in the mood.
he wanted food. he was diggin' thru the fridge
next to my studio.

i was just gettin' ready to launch into another
project. i looked at the clock....yeah, i should
quit...told him i had meant to get to the grocery
store but had been sidetracked with work.

i'll go with you, he said. i gotta get some stuff too.

as we headed up to the living room, he mentioned
entrepreneurs. that topic usually gets me animated
anyway, but with the caffeine, i was animated about
everything.

we stood in the living room getting into this wonderful
animated conversation. josh doesn't need caffeine for
this. he dives right in to animation naturally.
we got loud and full of passion.

the guys wandered out to see what all the commotion
was about. noah decided he definitely wanted to be
around the chaos, and he was goin' grocery shopping
with us. zakk was backing back towards his room with
his eyes wide and shaking his head, mumbling he'd pass
on the outting. i was laughing and waving my arms.

hours later, after a passionate grocery store outting,
dinner, and some hangin' out, i thought everyone would
wander their own way.

apparently tho, my caffeine hadn't worn off and they
were gettin' a kick out of it. we all ended up settled
around the kitchen table. my arms were still waving,
and crazy conversation shootin' all over the place.
even noah and zakk had woken up and gotten into the
craze.

at one point it was particularly wild. there was like
three conversations goin' at once. all lively. i looked
over at zakk. he had leaned back laughing and shaking
his head. his word for moments like this is 'bizarre.'


ah yes.

i had wanted to have some fun with the guys.
we hadn't seen each other a whole lot this week.
i had wanted to lighten up and just laugh.
i had wanted a good dose of the family bizarre.

mission accomplished.
amazing what a truck load of caffeine can do for the
evening.......

Friday, May 28, 2010

magic among the dark and the stars.....

this felt like magic to me today.....

it just did....
the connections, the heart necklace,
the whole darn story.......

if you have a minute go check out my
new friend, kim's, blog post.......

quote of the day....

we send out an automatic quote of the day
to anyone who signs up on the website.
i get them to kinda make sure it's all goin'
okay. i read them to see which one's showin'
up....and barely pay attention to them.....

and then this morning's came in......
and the quote of the day reached out and
hugged me......


she began to see the swirl of opposites inside her -
searing pain and tremendous love included.
focusing on the love and allowing the pain,
she kept going.

the news

she was filling me in.
i knew it was bad already, but now i was
hearin' it from her.

i was steady and gentle for her when my
insides were flippin' around and gettin'
sick.

when she said 'incurable' i could feel my
hand pulling my hair,i felt it as i did
it but i stayed steady and gentle for
her. it was the phone. she couldn't see the
hair pulling.

i hung up and fell apart. bob called right
then. i fell apart all over him. i hung up,
pulled myself together long enough to get
up to the bathroom and by the guys without
them noticing me so i could come back and
fall apart a little more.

i wasn't ready to tell them yet.

closing the door back in my studio, i fell
apart a little more. the phone rang again.
a best friend.

don't, ter.
you can't pull it together.
as i was telling myself not to pick up the
phone, i picked up the phone.

and fell apart again.
she was steady and gentle with me.
i really really needed her then.
apparently the hand picking up the phone
knew that more than my brain did.

last nite i lay in my bed watching the breeze
blow the window curtains.

this is going to be a very full summer.
i watched the curtains go in and out.
it's a precious gift i've got.
i've got life. and it is so full of pain
sometimes.

at the same time...it is so full of love.

there's a lot of really bad parts to this story
i can focus on....and yet, i think of the love
that i feel for her.

i'm gonna hold that and i'm gonna be present
and i'm gonna focus on that.

there will be stars here.
i'm just gonna have to look closer.
way closer sometimes.........

but they will be here.
they are here.

they shine steadily on.........

Thursday, May 27, 2010

a reposting.......

i've been thinking about the blog below ever since
i wrote it. well, actually, i've been thinking
about the topic for a few days now...

it's so on my mind.

i'm proof reading this book i'm putting together
now. it's filled with past blogs, random thoughts
and bone sighs.

my gosh, it's talkin' to me!

here's something i just read......
i posted it ages ago........
it's a message i got in the shower one nite.
it just bam landed in my head.

i got right out of the shower all drippy wet
and wrote it down.......

i just read it again and am going to print it
out and hang it somewhere i can easily access
it.......

if i can live this this summer, then we're
all havin' a party come september!!!!!!
there will be rampant celebrating! and i'm
gonna actually visualize that.....

>>>

“There is stuff going on that I cannot comprehend
and don’t need to.
The parts I can see scare me because they threaten me
n some of my most vulnerable spots.

Drop the fear.
I am loved beyond anything I can imagine.
It’s a love that’s beyond us, that surrounds us,
that is inside all of us.

Being loved is something that exists in spades
and there’s no need to fear the lack of that.
I do not need to see it manifested around me in
particular people.

It’s there.

See it or not.

I need to know that in my bones, trust it,
and offer myself with a full and open heart
to this stuff that’s going on that I can’t comprehend.

If I don’t trust it, I will find myself in fear.

When I’m in fear, I won’t be able to open the way
I’m needed to open right now.

So trust is vital.
An open heart is vital right now.

Give it and you will not regret it.

Give it and you will give life.
Give it and you will get life.”
>>>>>>>>>>

ohmygosh.........

i love that.
i love that.
i love that......

steppin' into a challenge

i'm thinking about all these lessons and thoughts
i'm getting.....the open pipe (see blog below),
the stars, the making my heart strong...all of that.

it's all really really good stuff.

and i really really want to remember it now and
use it.

bob and i are headin' back into rough waters.
truth is, we're still tryin' to steady out from
some stuff as it is. it's not good timing.

and now we're headin' into an area that tests
us the most. we both know it, we're both concerned,
and we're both committed to doing all we can to
weather it as well as possible.

we talked about it last nite. it ranged from
total frustration to deep love. as long as we
don't let the total frustration take over, and
can keep touching that deep love, we should do okay.

thing is.....that gets way harder than you think.

there are some pretty big challenges to each having
our own family.

i'm worried.

last summer was a really really hard one for us
and i've been afraid of this summer.
sure enough, it's setting up nicely to be another
big challenge.

so while i watch this, i see clearly that i have
a lot of fear inside.

there's fear of the hurt....
but more fear that as hard as i try, it'll still
crumble around me.

i wanted to put this out there cause it's as honest
as i can get and i want the journey recorded.

when i sit back and look at all the work i've done
since last summer, i know i've grown a ton and i
know that i have strength now i didn't have then.
i know that.

i've got tools, i've got ideas and plans, i've got
strength....

thing is......i've got fear. and i don't have control.

no stinkin' control.
and lots of stinkin' fear.

i never have control, i know that. but with my own
family, i can at least fake like i do....

so....i've stepped into a stretch of the journey that's
gonna make me face my lack of control, my ability to
love people for who they are and not for who i need
them to be, and my belief that i am loved even when
i can't see it. which, by the way, is a killer for me.

and i'm afraid.

so.
something i know is fear and self doubt are only gonna
hinder....

so i think what i'm gonna work the most on is the fear.
this is really big for me. this is a really big part
of my growth.

i think of one of my favorite bone sighs:

maybe it’s not about the darkness.
and maybe it’s not about the light.
maybe it’s about the knowing.
the knowing there is sacred always.
even when you can’t see it.
maybe it’s the knowing that’s the
holy part.

i'm gonna work on this....put my money where my mouth
is. actually.....my heart......put my heart where my
mouth is....

and we'll see where we go.......

a reminder......

so i was reading about the man who inspired
pam's poem that i quoted yesterday.

in there they quote black elk as saying

"i cured with the power that came thru me.
of course, it was not i who cured, it was
the power from the outer world, the visions
and the ceremonies had only made me like a
hole thru which the power could come to the
two leggeds. if i thought i was doing it myself,
the hole would close up and no power could come
thru.'

i totally love that thought.
not a new one.....just a reminder......

i really believe in just opening up and making
yourself a pipe to 'the outer world'....
so, like, how come i don't do that more often??

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

pam's poem

i was reading one of my buddy, pam's, poems
last nite. and wasn't sure i should really
share the whole thing as it's HER poem....
thought i could ask, but wanted to surprise
her over here.

i stopped and read this part three times...

so thought that'd be the part i share....

'We are One.
As the flames dance, my hand finds my pocket
A bone there, now hollow, awaiting my touch
Make me hollow as well, that the greatness of Spirit
Might pass through its servant; bring healing and peace.'

i love this.

and i can read this stuff all i want and find it
really appealing...
but do i really want to do it???

when it's easy, i am SO on board....

there's something going on in my life right now...
two somethings...where i can apply this and really
do it...and neither is easy. so while i want to
be on board i still want to indulge in those emotional
french fries. and if i get by the negative thinking,
which i think i can do a lot of the time, i still
want to point out what everyone's doing wrong.

oh yeah.
that brings a lot of peace.
somehow i don't think that's being a hollow bone....

i can just declare to myself that i'll do this....
but what i'm finding is i need to declare it moment
by moment, conversation by conversation.

one fell swoop doesn't seem to work for me.

so i'm gonna try the moment by moment thing....
because truly, i don't want to add to the din.
pam's poem brought my right back to that in such
a great way....

if you're interested in getting your own book of
pam's poems, which are truly beautiful you can find
that and some other goodies over here!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

excuse me, your stars are showing...

okay, so maybe i'm onto something here......

these stars.....well, i do believe they're
filled with magic!
well, OF COURSE they are!

i filled up with stars this morning.
bound and determined to feel them.
and i did.

i hopped in my car and i do believe i left
some stars hangin' out the door....

i have never had such fun driving anywhere.

i met up with a fellow mustang driver and
we played and played as we drove along. it
was so fun. i was laughing out loud in the
car and i could see he was too.

waving goodbye to him, i went off to where i
was sposed to go....

and there was magic around me.
i could feel it.
i could feel it with every interaction i had.

it made me think of one other time when i went
up to the printer to get my prints. i was so
excited and happy about them that i walked
into the place with stars spinning all thru
me.

some guy walked in and did a complete turn around
double take.

trust me, it wasn't my looks......i don't get that
reaction from guys.......
but i must have been exuding complete joy because
he got tangled in it.

that's what today felt like....
and i kept thinking of the stars.

there's some heavy stuff all around me.
yesterday i just wanted to bury myself under the
covers and hide.

today i chose to fill up with stars.

my gosh.
what a difference it's made.

here's the thing tho.......
making this choice sometimes is so darn hard.
when you're just feelin' the weight of stuff....
how do you make the choice to touch stars and
let them fall out of you???

i found them on the treadmill.

i think for me, i gotta exercise.
it was the only way i could really reach in and
grab them......

and i know some days the weight will be too much
and i won't be able to. and that's okay.

thing is.....i think that i can do it way more
than i do....

and i think it's something you learn........

and my gosh, i really want to learn........

one heck of a web...

two thoughts that i think might collide and
work together....

found myself in a conversation with someone
coming out of a rough time and not being able
to see the light yet.

i know that feeling.
as i walked on the treadmill this morning i
wondered how i would have felt if someone said
to me back when i was in that place the things
i said to her.

the stuff about her coming out stronger than ever
and she'll look back and wonder how she ever
could have accepted the things she did.....she
won't believe that was her..that kinda thing.

i don't think i would have believed anyone.
i think i would have thought 'yeah, yeah, but
they don't really know me and my stuff. and
i'm damaged and it's just never gonna be right.'

i wouldn't have believed anyone really could
know that. and i believed i was damaged. that
belief colors everything.

so i don't expect her to believe the things i
said, but i believe them cause i lived them.

that's one thought.

the other thought goes like this......

i've been thinking a lot about the power of our
thoughts. and i really really like the visual that
the negative thoughts are like eating heaps of
greasy french fries.

that so works for me in wanting to stop them.

be clear......this is 'negative thoughts' not
sad ones or ones honestly trying to cope with pain.
but ones where i'm callin' people names in my head.
or thinking things i wish would happen to them.
grinnin.......
yeah.....those kinda things.

so i'm on the treadmill thinking i gotta put the plate
of fries down and fill up with stars.

i went back to my stars. worked on exercising my heart.
pumpin' that sucker up strong and flexin' it's muscles.
opening and loving and knowing i've got stars floatin'
in my blood. not grease.

then somewhere in there i thought of the first part...
about tellin' that woman that she's gonna look back and
be so pleased with where she's traveled.

that's when i had the thought that tied them together.....

it's not a 'white picket fence' is it? there's no arrival
and no staying and relaxing and hangin' out at the fence.

it's a constant journey. a constant pumpin' and growin'
and workin' on putting the fries down.....

maybe what i should have said is something about it being
a constant journey. and her growth will amaze her from
here on in. cause once you start, you really don't want
to stop. and there's sooooooo much road to travel......

there will forever be grease to put down.....
and forever stars to fill up on.......

of course, she prolly woulda walked away if i told her that.
grin.

but she'll figure it out.....
and then she'll tell another woman who's just beginning the
journey....

it's one heck of a web. people-wise and grease-and-star-wise,
and journey-wise....the whole darn thing is one heck of a web...

Monday, May 24, 2010

greasy gopher guts...

i started reading 'love, medicine and miracles.'
someone sent it to me and for the life of me,
i can't remember who. which i think is interesting
as i ALWAYS remember that stuff. i musta been havin'
a hard day or something.
if it's one of you, holler, as whoever sent it to me,
i really want to thank.

i am loving it. and i don't think there's any way i
woulda ever picked this up on my own.

it's inspiring me so much to be as healthy as i can,
in mind and body.

there's some stuff goin' on right now that i find
really hard. josh called to talk to me about it and
said he needed some help with it too as he was feelin'
a lotta negative stuff.

so i said 'okay, let's look at that like a whole
heap of greasy french fries....we just don't need that
stuff inside of us....'

and we talked about different ways we could look at
it.

this book keeps reminding me in such big ways how
powerful our minds are....
i want to do healthy things with mine.....
it's gonna be really interesting to watch where i
let the greasy gunky stuff come in....

oh man....what's that song???
greasy gopher guts???
what IS that song????
remember when you were a kid???

sorry.....i digress......

a fear quote

josh reminded me of one of my all time favorite
books the other day. it's one that i should have
by my bed and read a sentence or two out of
every day......

it's 'who dies' by stephen levine.

i turned to it this morning - and got this.....

'fear has the capacity to close the mind, to
motivate us compulsively. but fear also has
the capacity to remind us that we have come
to our edge, are approaching unexplored
territory. its very tightness helps us to
realize that the appropriate response is to
let go softly, to acknowledge it, to enter
into it, to become one with it so as to go
beyond to whatever truth may present itself.'

i needed that this morning........
thought maybe someone else might too.....

Sunday, May 23, 2010

my pit crew.

we sat around the dinner table just chatting
about stuff, when there was a pause. i grabbed
it.

'okay, i could use some thoughts' i said.

and i went on to tell the guys that i was
having trouble making sense of my thoughts
and needed some help. i wasn't sure if i
was going in a totally wrong direction, that
it felt totally right, but i wasn't sure
it made sense. and would they help me think.

darn, if they all don't just leap right on
in there and help. each one of them had
something to say. each one of them offered
their thoughts.

i put out what i was confused about, covering
some thoughts on my heart that i had been
having. including the thought that we only
use 5% of our hearts. josh was quick to correct
that. and i just beamed at him as he told me
that our hearts were infinite and there was
no percentage limit. my gosh, what a cool thing
to have your son remind you of.

they helped me sort thru some stuff that had
just clogged my gears.

later in the weekend, we were all gathered
around the living room. and bob needed help
figurin' something out. it was his turn to
bring it to the group.

and once again, everyone hopped on in there.

as i watched all of us, i watched how we
worked. one would put out a thought that would
spark a thought in another. one would start
a half thought, thinking out loud and another
would go....ohhh, i think that's the right track,
and how about this??

everyone builds off each other.
until there's some kinda feeling that we hit
something we wanted to hit.

it's the first time i really put together why
we're all such a good team. it's like we build
something together. we build with our thoughts
and our ideas.
we place them on the table and mix them up
and use them to start new thoughts and we build
them and put them together until we've got some
sorta thing that feels right.

we do this with our work stuff, we do this with
our people stuff, we do this with our inner stuff.

we just do this when we're confused.
and somewhere along the line, bob joined the
team.

it's a thing that no one outside the family
sees. we do it when it's just us.

i never really thought about it this way before,
but i think that if you're really lucky, you get
a family that's your team. it's a team you're
part of that helps you grow. that wants you to
grow and does what it can to help you. just as
you do that for the other team members.

it's where you go for help.
they're your pit crew.

and if i look at it that way, if that's what
a family is, my gosh, i can see that if you
aren't born with that, you can still build one
for yourself. even if you don't have your own
kids......you can adopt people in your life
who do that for you.

you can build a family.
and we all need one.

i've got one in my kids and bob, and i've
got one in my adopted family that i've picked
along the way.

those are the ones to concentrate on....

Friday, May 21, 2010

as big as the sky

i hopped on my bike early this morning
and rode around the neighborhood. no one
was out. it was as if the place was all
mine.

the bike has given me the freedom to
wander again....and it feels like heaven.

i rode here and there and felt that feeling
you feel when you're a kid riding. there
isn't anything else in the world goin' on
but that ride.

i rode and looked at the sky.
the wind blowin' in my face, the cool
air...it all felt so good.

and then i turned a corner and there
was so much sky there i almost drowned
in it.

i was just overcome with it all and a
thought just flooded over me.

our hearts can be as big as the sky.
we don't really know.
we just don't know.
but they can be as big as the sky if
we let them.

i just knew it. i just saw it and knew
it.

i rode up to my goodmorningworld spot
and looked at the sky and felt so full
and so sure that i was overwhelmed.

ya know that thing you always hear about
we only use 5% of our brains or something
like that? (see, i don't even remember the
number which means i need to up my percent!)

well, i think that's the same for our hearts.
it's gotta be.
it's just gotta be.

i knew it this morning.

yeah, i have an open heart compared to a lotta
people. maybe most people use about 5% of their
hearts, maybe we can go wild and say i use 6%.
if you really want to go crazy, say i use 10%
which can't be right cause that's double most
people....so it can't even be that high......

10%.

what if that's true.

what if there's a whole huge sky-full we haven't
dived into yet???

for a moment on my ride this morning, i knew that
to be true.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

my mighty mouse heart

i had been thinking all day about this darn
open your heart stuff.
finally, the only way i could put it into
words was to say that while i've wanted to
do this for some time now, it's clear to me
that it's now much more than a 'hobby' and
it's more like a way of life.

okay.
so that's where my head is and i was still
tryin' to grasp that thought when i read
the following quote:

'a new philosophy, a way of life, is not
given for nothing. it has to be paid dearly
for and only acquired with much patience
and great effort.'

no kidding. there was the quote last nite
as i was curled in bed.
how amazing is that?

the quote itself was a zinger for me and
then when i saw it was from fyodor dostoyevsky
i grinned.

i used to read him all the time. i loved his
writing. he's from my other life. the life
where i was really playin' a game.

and now i want this real life......and there
he is reminding me of the two and reminding
me that it's gonna take some work.

this morning i took a bike ride with noah
and then hopped on the treadmill. i got to
thinking about how hard it is to get this
body into shape. they aren't kiddin' about it
bein' tough to lose weight after 40.

but i remembered the quote and thought about
how cool it would be to exercise my heart along
with my body. to work on opening it along with
my regular exercises.

and then it hit me......i'm always workin' on
opening it....but i don't really work on making
it strong. seemed like there must be something
about the ratio of strength to that of opening.
or is that a proportion??? you know what i mean.

at this point i was in my room doin' some stretches.
oh man. i don't stretch very well.
so then i started thinking about my body...and how
it can symbolize my heart.

the legs are pretty strong, upper strength is so
little it's crazy. i'm a weakling in the arms.
the middle is where my weight is and the stretching
just doesn't come easy at all.

so okay...my heart....it's got some pretty good
strong parts....then some parts where there isn't
much strength at all....there's the outta shape
flabby part, that would be the lazier areas of my
heart....and the stretching that doesn't come easy
but i still work at it.....

okay. okay. what if i really worked on my body.
and used it as a symbol of my heart. and what if i
worked on my heart while i worked on my body. what
if i did visuals of my big ol' heart flexing it's
muscles and pumpin' that sweaty glow from movin' it
a bit and feelin' good and healthy???

i got into this, did it a bit and pictured my heart
a little bit like mighty mouse.
didn't he kinda poof out his chest and flex his
muscles in the opening thing of his show???
that's what my heart was doin'.
my mighty mouse heart.

ahhhhhh.........i got excited about this. it could
bring new life into the exercise deal, and it sure
couldn't hurt to visualize my heart as getting
stronger and healthier every day.

this could be fun....

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

sigh

so last nite i sat and asked the universe
where i'm sposed to go.
what should i do???

and darn it all if i didn't get 'just keep
workin' on opening your heart' today.

and i gotta tell you, i feel like a grouchy
ol' bear the more i sit with that.

it would be WAY WAY easier to hear something
like 'sell tee shirts' or 'write many many
wonderful books' anything but what i find
the hardest thing in the world to do.....

and yeah, yeah, yeah, it's what i WANT to do.
but just cause i want to doesn't mean i don't
get lazy about it and figure it's 'good enough'
a lotta times when i could do more.

but if i feel like i'm sposed to be doing it...
my gosh.......i don't know....it makes me
grouchy.

that's kinda funny.......if i could stop bein'
grouchy long enough to see.....

what i want most is what i feel was my answer
this morning and i'm mad about it.

okay, ter.....you weirdo.
are you THAT lazy???

sigh.

a morning ride

so i took a bike ride this morning....
i floated around the neighborhood. took the
route i used to take when the boys were
little...felt good.

i rode and wondered about life. had a note
in my head. stories of someone's pain.
looked at the sky a lot. passed the ol'
pastor. saw him out and thought 'hey, maybe
i'll ask him about life. what do you do with
the pain you see around you?' but he had
gotten too close to his house by the time
i rode by. figured it wasn't the kinda thing
you hollered.

besides, he'd prolly just tell me to trust
god.

i'm not sure how much that'll work for me
this morning.

altho, last nite, after i read the note,
i did a little praying.

thought of another note. a woman lost her mom
and was really grieving. sounds like she died
like my dad did.

she mentioned how she didn't feel her mom near
her. and wasn't sure she would.

that also felt familiar.

trust god?
trust the universe?

how does this one woman who wrote last nite trust
god after what she's been thru?

how does this other woman trust when she can't
feel anything?

what the heck is it all about???

and i rode and rode and rode.

came back with no answers at all.
but a plan.....
gonna step into my day with a full heart.
it's not totally open. i can feel that.
gonna step into my day aware of that,
and try to let it open.

that's where i seem to touch god.....
and today i think i need to try for that.....

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

you don't want to miss this one.......

the guys are still sleeping so i can't get their
technical input right now......
so we'll just have to live with the link
and not the cute vid right here.

this vid spread like crazy on facebook.
i love love love love it.
i just watched it again!

i know some of you aren't over there, and i
didn't want you to miss this.......

check this out........the go climb up on
your sink. that's where i'm headin'!!!

jessica's affirmations

Monday, May 17, 2010

thinking of her...

there's something i've been holding in my heart
as i've gone thru the celebrating...and even
as i hit the sad this morning...i haven't put it
down at all.

someone came thru and shared her story with me
the other day. i'm so lucky people do that.

her story was probably the hardest story i ever
heard, and she only told me a tiny piece of it.
and i've held it since the moment i read it.

how she survived, i have no idea.
but survive she did, and beyond that.....she's
becoming.

she really is.

i could tell by her notes.

i've been thinking of her a lot.
and this morning i thought of her a whole whole lot.

i got sad...sick to my stomach even from some of my
ghosts. and my gosh, my ghosts are nothing compared to
hers.

and i know my birthday brought them out.

and i know, from what she said, her birthday is gonna
bring hers out big time. and that's soon.

i took a deep breath and thought of her getting thru
all that. and what would i say to her if i could be with
her when it was all coming rushing in on her...

what would i say???

i think it would be something like this........

i would hold her hands tight. both of them.
and i would stare into her eyes...and thru tears
i would tell her from my whole being....

'you have no idea how beautiful you are.
to take what you've been thru, and not only still
be here, but to be giving back to the world.....
to know that your heart got you thru......
you have no idea what a treasure you are.
they couldn't take that from you.
do you see that???
THEY COULDN'T TAKE THAT FROM YOU.
no one can. you proved that.
and instead of seeing the blackness and feeling
weighed down by it....see your light.
honest to pete, see that light.
see your heart.
rejoice on your birthday for the way you have
chosen to use your gift of life.
let go of the darkness......
and hold your light.
you are so definitely worthy, woman.
you are so definitely worthy.
celebrate who you have become.'

i honestly have no right to compare anything in
my life to what she's been thru...but as she and
i agreed, circumstances may be entirely different,
emotions are the same.

when i think of her and send her that message in
my heart, in my mind......there's part of me
nudging me to take the message for myself also.

maybe all of us can take that message in some form...
and remember our lights. and see our lights today...

life and growing......

i honestly could not have had a better weekend.
i could not have been more loved and have enjoyed
the guys and bob any more than i did.

and yet this morning, i woke up sad.
ah man.
that sucks.
i didn't want that.
and it was more than sad, i was a little sick
to my stomach.

darn.

some of that past gunk comin' up....

i walked, bob happened to call. he usually gets
right off if i'm walkin so i can have that time.

'no, stay on the phone, okay?' i asked him.

i listened to him tell me about the damage to his
neighborhood....they had real bad hail over there.
and then he asked me how i was.

i told him. told him i didn't want to be a 'debbie
downer' and i really wished this stuff would just
go away.

he understood. bam. he just understood. told me how
far i had come and that it was just gonna take awhile.
he was so darn kind about it.

i got on the treadmill.....steadied myself as i went.

someone i love emailed me a wise note.....i cried as
i read it....and nodded all the way thru it.

i am so incredibly blessed and i know that. i really
really know that.

gonna hold both today. but focus way more on the blessed.
and if i get blue later on, i'm gonna take a spin on that
new bike of mine!

growing.......whew. i think it takes some patience.

my day

josh wanted to take metro in.
aside from the fact that he totally loves
trains of any sort, he pulled out his ipod
and showed me the big red lines that showed
traffic was gonna suck.

nah, wanna drive.
was my response.

he showed me the big red lines again.
i stopped and looked.

'wow. that means traffic jams in all those
places??' i asked.

'yeah,' he answered. sure he had swayed me.

'wow. well, noah's driving, we'll get gas,
and the worst that happens is we get locked
in the car with each other for a longer time.
i'm cool with that and it's MY birthday. we
drive.'

i grinned and we all got in the car.
i loved it.
usually i spend a lot of time making sure
everyone is happy.

not then. i knew everyone was willing to just
do whatever........and i was gonna grab that.
it truly is a rare thing for me to grab...and
i wanted it.

what josh didn't really know was i wanted to be
in the car with the guys and drive thru the city.
they bike down there all the time with their dad.
they spend so much time in the city and are getting
to know it from a biker's point of view. and i don't
get to see that happen. they're with their dad for
that. so i wanted to hear about it.

and sure enough, as we drove they'd point things out
to me.

'we were just here on our bikes yesterday' they'd say
and point to some place.

'really? you were all the way over here?'

and then they'd tell me about a trip they took over
there and over here and oh yeah, we've been there.

i loved it. turns out traffic was a total breeze.
couldn't have been better. except for just before the
zoo. then it was packed and slow. no problem. i was
lookin' at the shops, and people. and pointing things
out to the guys. we joked, listened to crazy testosterone
music and i loved every second of it.

as we pulled into the zoo, zakk reads the great big
sign all lit up 'all parking lots full.'

he read it out loud with a dramatic voice.
sure that this is gonna stir trouble up in the car
and grinnin' about it.

we turned in as you kinda had to and i just calmly said
'oh well, guess that doesn't work. let's go somewhere
else.'

i was as calm as calm could be.

josh's eyes bugged out. he was just a little stressed.
maybe being cooped up in the back seat of the mustang
behind noah and his long legs got to him a bit. maybe
he was still wishin' we had taken metro. whatever it
was, his eyes bugged out.

'what???'

i turned to look at him.
grinned at him.

'josh, didn't you know?
while i really would like to go to the zoo, and i have
been thinking about it for years...didn't you know?
all i want to do today is be.
just be.
i want to be with you guys.
i want to be happy.
and i want to not worry about time or getting anywhere.
it makes absolutely no difference as long as we're
all together'

i was completely and totally peaceful and happy.
it was a rare and wonderful feeling.

i could see him relax.

oh.

and he really did see.

this had nothing to do with the zoo.

noah seemed to know the whole time. he totally
went with the flow. never blinked. seemed to
know what was gonna happen.

and zakk, he just always figures it's gonna be
weird no matter what and he flows with it all.

noah was pulling out at this point and gonna head
back the way we came.

'oh let's go a different way,' i said.
and he turned in the opposite direction.

'let's see what's down here.'

and we wandered.

we ended up driving thru a rich section where the
houses took your breath away. we drove all around
picking favorite houses and checking everything out.
deciding we'd really be okay living in that neighborhood.
talkin' about how to get rich. dreamin'.

we joked about the old woman driver who really shouldn't
have been driving, then joked about noah's driving when
he hit a curb. zakk combined the two...the old woman and
noah and we all laughed.....

we all joked about our visit to the zoo and what i'd tell
bob. 'oh it was great, one of our best visits yet. wasn't
tired at all and just so relaxed.'

noah was tryin to figure out how to get to the highway.
you can't go wrong, yo, i told him.
that's the beauty of today.
who cares where you go!

sure enough, he found his way.

we drove thru the 'hood' as josh calls it.......
we saw the difference in living situations. talked about
that.

and it all made me appreciate what i had so much.
both the rich houses and the not rich.
i felt so lucky. i had the world.

we stopped to grab some coffee smoothie things and
sit and eat a loaf of bread. we goofed and slurpped
and hung out.

and it couldn't have been better.

we drove home, watched a movie, rode bikes, got
chinese food, goofed with the guitar and laughed
a whole lot.

we did nothing extraordinary....and yet it was one
of the most extraordinary days i could have ever
asked for.

it was perfect. all i wanted to do was be with the
guys.....and they were all there with me the whole
darn day...and havin' fun.

how totally amazing is that???

Sunday, May 16, 2010

versatile clothing

i run up stairs and try to figure out what
would be good to wear to the zoo.....

as it turns out it's the exact same clothes
that are good to ride a bike in!
but don't tell bob...

yesterday when we were gettin' ready to take
a bike ride, i said i had to change. put my
bike riding clothes on.

when i came out in a big ol shirt, he asked
me what the significance was.

oh, well.......i launched into my theory that
you need a big ol' baggy shirt to catch the
wind and feel it blowin' all thru you.

he stood there seriously listening to me and
asked 'okay, and why that color?'

i looked at him with disdain.
'is that not obivous?' i asked him.

he laughed and said 'yeah, okay, it is now.'

the shirt was blue as was the bike.

so okay......this morning.....it's layin'
in my room. yep. it's also got a bit of
an island feel to it. it's got tiki men
on it in a border or something.
i made up 'tiki men'...but you know what
i mean.

i slipped it on and headed over to the
bathroom hollerin' to the guys 'put your
zoo clothes on!'

zakk comes out with a plain yellow tee
shirt on. 'is this zoo clothes?' he asks.

'certainly not,' i tell him in disgust.

okay, so what makes zoo clothes, he wants
to know.

'look at me,' i tell him.
'does this not look zooish???'

he agrees it does.

do you guys not have any hawaiian shirts?
grab some tribal african shirts....
you must have those!

noah laughs, tells me he'll just grab one of
those out of his closet.

and then i come over to tell him not to tell
bob the biking shirt is also the zoo shirt.

it might lose some of it's power that way.

we're waiting for josh to show up......so it
looks like it's time for a quick spin on the bike.

good thing my shirt doubles as a bike shirt.

i am so ready for anything today!

birthday cake

she had dropped off a cake earlier in the day.
i met her in the back yard.

i met her over by the walk that connects my
yard to my other neighbor. she travels thru.
she was out of breath, holding flowers and a cake
and a card.

she knows i like yellow roses. went up to one store
looking for them. they didn't have any. so she went
home to rest. then she went to the other store!
they didn't have any either. so she got me these.
which were absolutely beautiful. what struck me was
the two store search! i commented on that. she
looked at me and said 'i'd do anything for you.'
i knew she meant it too.

i ohhed and ahhed and showed her my bike and then
she headed off to rest a bit more.

later, when it was just me around here, i sliced two
pieces of cake and hopped on my new bike. rode down
to her house (which is really close) and knocked on
her door.

'will you have a piece of birthday cake with me?'

and we sat in her living room eating cake together.
and somehow or another we got into one of the best
most honest conversations we ever had.

i told her i had been watching her and thinking and
wondering. told her i noticed that she wasn't following
up on a medical procedure she was sposed to have. asked
her very gently about it. asked her if she wanted to die.

yeah, she did.
and we talked about that.

'how does it work?' i asked her.
'do you just get so tired and sore that you just don't
want it anymore?'

and she told me how she was feeling.
we talked of being alone, we talked of living a full life,
we talked of missing friends.....

i could just feel this huge sigh of relief in the room...
we could talk about it.

we've always been able to tell each other things so it
wasn't incredibly unusual. but there was something different
this time.

a tiny crack in a door opened and i felt it, and i
stepped thru it. i didn't want to miss it.
there was a gentleness, an acceptance, and a moment when
she felt safe enough to put her burden down for just a bit
and have a piece of birthday cake with me.

how amazing......something to celebrate my living gave us
a chance to honestly talk about her dying.

it felt like a gift to me.
i'm thinking it maybe did to her too.

i hopped on my bike. she stood on the porch watching.
i rode it a little extra so she could see the stars
swish in the wind....and i headed home thinking about
what a journey it all is......
and how good that cake tasted with her.

my bike

i had strategically parked my bike out
back in a place where i could see it from
my kitchen window.

i stood inside looking at it.
he came over and stood next to me and looked
with me.

you woulda thought i was looking at a new
sports car or something.

my voice got choked up and i told him that
the bike meant a ton to me for another reason
besides that it was awesome.

and as we stood there staring at it, i told
him a story. it was from when i was 16 and got
the bike that i still have to this day.

it's a long complicated story that doesn't
matter to anyone else. but to me, the bottom
line was about me not being able to ask for
what i really wanted, not being secure enough
to figure i was worth getting what i really wanted,
of trying to please...and then putting on the show
like i always did that everything was perfect.
and falling in love with it because it's what i
had. i loved that bike. and at the same time there
was forever the underlying message to me as i rode
it...take what you get and learn to love it. you
are only worth so much.

it was about my past. and the way i used to live.
and the life i had chosen to leave.

and to this day i still have that bike.

and now i stood there looking out the window at
a bike that blinded me with how much i was seen,
how much i was valued, and how there really were
times i didn't even have to ask, someone saw and
knew.

that i mattered. and that i was valued...and even
my inner child was treasured.

this silly bike with the stars hanging from the
handlebars was hollerin' over to me with joy and
such complete happiness....and it was celebrating
me! me! it was celebrating ME!

i told him what i was thinking.
we both stood looking out the window.
i turned to him, looked up at him and asked him
if he really got what i was trying to say.

yeah, he nodded. he did.

yeah, i nodded. i knew he did.
cause he can see me.

we turned to go get ready for a bike ride...

and that other bike? the one from when i was a kid?
that'll be leaving now....
i don't need it anymore.......

Saturday, May 15, 2010

a new bike!!!

ohmygosh......
bob always teased about the bike i musta had
as a kid....
with those tassely things hanging from the
handlebars and the bell and all that kinda
thing.......

which i did NOT have, by the way......

but i DO NOW!

guess what he gave me for my birthday??
and.......and......and.........
not only does it match the guitar the guys
are gonna give me.....and the sparkly vegan
guitar strap bob gave me....

but it has STARS hanging from the handlebars!

stars!!!

and he said he got that BEFORE i started talkin'
about the stars inside me!!

ohmygosh.......

AND he designed a license plate for it that says
'ST CLOUD'......oh i'm so laughin' over here...

it is perfect!
and totally totally speaks to my inner child!

and reminds me of how much this man sees me.

it's a beautiful day for a bike ride.....

Friday, May 14, 2010

toastin'!

we sat outside up at the coffee place,
trading stories of the not so easy parts
of the week.

turns out we all had pretty heavy days
yesterday. at one point, i just started
laughing and said 'let me get this straight...'
and i proceeded to describe each of us at
our worst moments yesterday.

we all started laughing at the visual.

another woman sat down near us. she knew
my friend and said hello. she was with her
little girl and commented on how she just
needed a break, yesterday had been a bit rough.

we all started laughing and telling her what
was going on.

she laughed too and said it made her feel better
to know she wasn't the only one.

oh no, she wasn't the only one.

and sometimes that just feels so good.

ya know, i don't like the 'downs' so much.
okay, i don't like them at all.
but i know they're part of the deal. we gotta go
thru them to get to the other stuff.

and i sure do like laughing about them with
my friends.

and now....i'm puttin' up all the hard stuff and
gearin' up for some serious celebrating.
it's birthday weekend.
the guys already surprised me with balloons in
my kitchen when i got home!!!

josh is sick, so it may be a little slower than we
had thought......but that's okay, cause we've got
all month!

but i think it's time for some serious fun right now.
toasting us all........on the rough days, on the fun
days, on the regular ol' days.....

here's to life.
here's to friends.
here's to stars!

a nifty poem

slept late and runnin' out the door!
ahhhhhhhhh startin' the weekend out right......

wanted to post this.
i read it last nite and loved it.....
it's by hafiz.....


not the god of names,
nor the god of don'ts,
nor the god who ever does
anything weird,
but the god who only knows four words
and keeps repeating them, saying:
'come dance with me.'


dancin' over here........

Thursday, May 13, 2010

a new bone sigh...

having forgotten their own light,
she covered them in stars,
leaving the darkness a tiny bit brighter.
feeling pleased she had done so,
and sad she had needed to,
she turned to her own self
and lay stars gently in her hair.
'it's okay they can't see you,' she whispered.
'i do. and i love you.'
the tears flowed.
the stars shone.
and she turned back to her world.

a sky quote!!

ohhhhhhhhhh someone just gave me this!!!

'that which is boundless in you abides in the
mansion of the sky, whose door is the morning
mist, and whose windows are the song and the
silences of night.'

-kahlil gibran


ohhhhhhhh............

girlfriends and glowing.....

there's nothing like a girlfriend.

we grabbed a quick cup of coffee as we're
doin' this again tomorrow. but we both
needed to share a few stories....so we
squeezed in an extra session.

i told her about spreading stars.
she reached over and put her hand on my arm,
looked me in the eyes and said that it was
the perfect visual as she was absolutely sure
i was filled with them.

'well, everyone is', i said.

she pulled her hand back.

'oh no,' she said.

i laughed and said 'well, yeah, some people
seem kinda filled with curdled cottage cheese.'

we laughed and ran with that one.

and then she came back to me, saying she believed
i really did have stars inside me.

okay....so maybe that's a little out there and
goofy.

but when you have someone you love and treasure
who loves and treasures you back like that....
who sees you when you just spent a lotta time not
being seen at all......

well, it almost makes you believe you really do
have stars inside you.

ya know.....i think that's what friends do.
they see our stars. and they make them glow.

how good that feels this morning.....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

i done good

i was love.

i was.

i really really was.

and the one time i really didn't want to be....
the one time i really wanted to be a dark cloud
full of resentment, i took a walk outside around
the house.

'you're here to sprinkle stars,' i told myself.

'you can do it. do it now. this is your biggest
challenge. do it.'

i walked around the house saying out loud 'you
can do it, you can do it.'

and i did it. i went in and did it.

when i got in my car to drive home i knew i had
done really good.

and yet, an overwhelming sadness came over me.

just overwhelming.

it took me awhile before i went to little terri.
of course. something this deep.....it's little
terri related.

i sat her in my lap and we both drove the car
home. we put stars on each other as we drove
and i told her i loved her.

we talked.
and we headed back to a life of love.

the drive is really kinda cool. a straight shot
away from one life into my life now.
it's very symbolic and i use that in my mind.
as i get closer to home i pictured the love
waiting for me.

i'm still sad.
and that makes sense.

it's okay.

tomorrow, i'm hoping to celebrate how good i did.
cause it really is a cause for celebration.

sadness first.
as that's inside me right now.

then celebration........cause that's inside me too!

water weld

i was walkin' down the street and i saw something
laying on the ground. it was a tube that said
'water weld.'

ohhhhh water weld.....
ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.......i wonder what water weld
is. i have to ask the guys about this.....

and then my mind took off runnin'.
maybe you could weld water together!
i was picturin' all kindsa streams of water
and welding them together.....
ohhhh....

as it turns out, bob called as i walked, and
told me it was prolly some kinda glue. he went
right into this practical explanation.
i laughed at him. 'you're so darn practical,
i like my idea better.'

later, on the treadmill, i was still thinking
about it. okay, it can be glue, like bob said,
but i want to call it 'weld' that sounds so much
cooler....and it could still glue rivers together and
all kindsa flowin' things together.

maybe it could glue my insides together.

i could use some of that water weld stuff today,
i thought.

there's parts of me that could use some welding or
at the very least, gluing.

i'd weld/glue my feet, i thought.
yeah. i'd start with my feet.
and i'd weld them so they kept goin' in the right
direction. they want to run away a bit. nah, i'd
weld them so they were pointed the way they needed
to go.

so i pictured spreadin' some goo on them. ahhhh
the goo....that has to be some pretty cool goo.
i pictured mashed up star goo......
oh yes.

okay....my knees. oh yes.
i need to weld my knees. i need them to be strong
and stand up tall today.
squirt squirt. got my knees covered.

ohhhhh this is kinda fun.

so there i was on the treadmill......spreadin'
star goo weld all over myself.

my heart! oh yes! my heart needs some water weld!
it's a little leaky over here. oh yeah.
right here. that part's comin' apart.
oh yeah.
spread some here.
ohhhh glump.
spread that glump a little over here. even it out.

star weld goo all over the heart......

ahhh my arms needed some....they need to be able
to hold some weight today. let me just kinda get these
elbows real good.

moved my elbows back and forth. made sure they were
limber. ah yeah. got those good. this weld stuff works
great.

oh the face.
there's the mouth that needs to speak kindness.....
better put a big ol' glop here. boof. smeared that
stuff all over. mmmmmmmm.........tastes like stars.

the eyes that needed to see clearly....let me spread
some right over the lids....
ohhhh it glitters!!! look at this!

water weld! all over me! holdin' me together, making
me strong and keeping me where i want to be.

who knew?
one little tube of this stuff will get ya ready for
anything!

i gotta tell bob. he thought it was just some glue
they gave a cool name to.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

ghosts, stars, and the treadmill.......

i'm so excited about this one.
see if this makes any sense.......

some ghosts are getting stirred up in me
right now. i know why. it makes sense.
or so i thought.

this morning when i walked, some came up.
i wanted them to just go away. but maybe
i should be doin' something with them if
they keep coming back???

i got on my treadmill. didn't put the music
on right away. thought about this.
ya know, i think it's not the ghosts but
the terri's that were involved at these
moments that i should be focusing on.

these moments were times when i felt i
needed to keep it all together so i did what
i had to do without really taking the time
to do anything nurturing for myself.

i think too, i just didn't know what to do
for myself. i mean sometimes, you just gotta
get thru. and that's okay.

but how about now? when the ghosts keep
coming back???

maybe they're not coming back to haunt you.
maybe they're coming back to nudge you. tell
you it's time to take care of that part of you!!

ohmygosh.

that would change everything.

instead of tellin' them to go away, i could ask
them where i should look. to point the way to
healing.

ohmygosh.

i loved this idea, figured walkin' on the
treadmill prolly wasn't time to go back and
do the nurturing, but i would soon.

turned the music on and just started doin'
my thing.

i had the music on random and was just movin'
along listening when things started happening
inside of me.

a song came on about the darkness inside of her.

oh my gosh. i went right to the darkness inside
of me.

i pictured me and my insides right now that felt
dark. i went to the stars. i saw the stars all
over me. i just filled up the darkness with stars.

she started singing about 'your mother, your sister,
your wife' and i thought of my family i'd be seein'
soon....and i thought of their ghosts. their hauntings.
and i thought they needed some stars.

i'm not sure they remember theirs.

i have plenty.
i can share.

so i pictured different people and i was goin' around
puttin' stars all around them. put some gently in their
hair. near where they were sitting. just all around them.

i started crying as i was doing this.

i'm now running on the treadmill, crying and putting
stars everywhere in my mind.

then some song came on about scars.
it's some weird song the guys got me hooked on.
the singer names all these scars he's got and where they
came from.

oh my gosh.

he'd list them, i'd picture mine that went with what
he was singing and i'd put a star on each one.
some i rubbed the stars gently on, leaving star
dust over them. he sang this line about blood and rain
and never seeing it coming and i was ready to just
sob....i nodded to that one.

'i remember blood and rain and i never saw it coming
again......'

and yes, the tears were really coming now.....

and then!!! stevie (my hero, my symbol for following
your heart) comes on singing 'love struck baby.'
a real fun, kooky falling in love song.

ohmygosh......
now i go back to the ters in the trauma places that
i didn't think i should go to while on the treadmill.
doesn't matter. i'm outta control. i'm runnin' to them
all with a big grin on my face, singing this kooky
love song to them and sprinkling stars on them.

they're all not really in the best place, right?
that's why i have to go back to them.
they're all really really struggling.

and i'm runnin' around singing love struck baby droppin
stars all around them. rubbing stars on their arms
real gently so they can be covered in star dust......

they're likin' it.
it's helpin'.

by the time i got off the treadmill i was a sweaty,
teary, feelin' better mess.

stevie's lyrics ringing in my ears.
i'm love struck baby.....i must confess.........

this life i've got is so darn cool.

ghosts.....maybe they come with messages.
ters.......maybe i need to hold them more.
stars......maybe i need to share them.

Monday, May 10, 2010

a reminder

this is from an old blog....
but i was reading it today. sitting here
at my desk reading it and thinking....
ohmygosh did i need this right now....

so thought i'd share for anyone else who might
also need the thought....

'when i say i want to be love, i mean that i want
to be able to give freely, no strings attached,
to care and to have compassion without having the
need to control or to fix, to allow things to flow
and to know that everyone operates from their own
place and that i can't understand it so i can't judge
it. to know that it's all part of a really big
picture and that the little things have absolutely no
meaning, and absolutely a ton of meaning all at the
same time.

being love would mean operating with an open heart
and not needing to close down to protect myself because
i would understand that its' all okay. it would be
about keeping that heart open almost like a pipe line
to the universe where i allow something beyond me to
flow thru. to not block that up with garbage, but
to have the opening clear.'

sigh.
i'd really really like that.

sooooooooo maybe when i get an extra big challenge
in my week.....maybe i can try to at least remember
this thought???

yeah.
maybe so.......

mister logic brain meets star arm woman

i was tellin' him about the stars inside me.
i told him about the visual driving home where
i saw stars all on the underside of my skin.
i held up my arms and showed him what i meant.
i pretended to move a flap of skin back from
my arms.
i told him about the energy that zapped thru
me when i saw the stars.
i was animated and wide eyed and thrilled
when i told him.

he was looking at me with this grin on his face.
there was bewilderment and enjoyment all mixed
together.

it's in those moments that i remember.....

mister logic brain is dating an artist.

and i laugh with delight.

later he said something to tease me. he jabbed
at me. i immediately put my arms up, and in my
mind was bouncing his jabs away with the stars
in my arms.

i saw his face and we both burst out laughing.

he knew what i was doing.

he was laughing that i was doing that.

i was laughing that he knew what i was doing.
sometimes he so sees me.

as incredibly challenging our differences can be,
they can also be incredibly fun.......

a mother's day moment

i had to make a few calls and when i got
back up to the kitchen, the guys were all
out. they'd taken a test drive in my car.

bob and the guys are tryin' to figure out
a noise with my car and what's up with it.

i love everything about that.
i love seeing them work and think together.
i love the way they bounce thoughts back
and forth.
i love the way they all sound so technical
when they talk.
i love how they all are tryin' to be there
for me.
i love how guyish they are.
and i love how the guys respect and accept
bob and how he returns that. and how there's
the family rhythm with bob between the guys.
that's gold and i never take that for granted.

so when i saw the mustang pull back into the
driveway, i smiled.

and when they came in talkin' about it all,
i just grinned.

they have no idea how much i love them.

bad dreams makin' me happy....

i had a recurring bad dream last nite.
and instead of freakin' out like i did
with the last one, i got up excited thinking
'okay. i can see some pattern here. this
is all talkin' to me.'

and the old me kicked in.
the one who used to work with her dreams
and not be afraid of the bad ones.
the one who knew that the bad ones were talkin'
to me and helpin' me.

i took a walk and thought about it.
ohmygosh was it cool.
there is no doubt inside me that my depths
are tryin' to help me with some of my biggest
struggles.

there's no way i'm alone in this one...
my depths are with me!

feelin' quite tickled this morning.
haven't figured it all out yet. oh no.
figure that's gonna take me awhile.
but i'm okay with that.
cause i know i've got a best friend inside
me helpin' me out.

it's been a long time since i've felt this.

how is it i forget these things???

Sunday, May 9, 2010

my beasts

there was clowin' around. there was giddy
laughter in the back seat when josh moved back
there with me. there was the threat i made to
zakk about ripping his head off when i thought
he was going to pass in a no passing zone on
a mountain road. there was zakk's delight in
having scared me and his announcing he's now
found his new favorite thing to do.

there was the puttin' the heads together to see
what everyone needed out of the day and when
people felt like taking off and just goofin' on
our own. i liked that. the checkin' in to make
sure everyone was covered.

there was watching zakk climb down the rocks
on the hike like a monkey who was finally let
free. there was noah showin' josh some stuff
about his camera. there was brother goofin'
and teasin' with the pictures.

there was teasing, serious talk, comfort.

wandering with these three guys is one of my favorite
things to do.

i remember when they were tiny.
i read a gazillion books on mothering. i lived and
breathed it. it was my job and i threw myself into
it. i worked harder at it than anything i've ever worked
at in my life. every nite i went to bed wishing i had
done better and vowing to do better the next day.

when i was stumped with what to do with them, i would
always go to 'what would you want someone to do with
you in this situation, ter?' and then i'd treat them
that way. i was amazed at how that worked. and would
watch and learn and thru it all i learned about really
loving and seeing these tiny people. nothing on earth
grew me like mothering grew me.

my dad, who always wanted me to be a career woman,
used to get annoyed with me. he didn't like that it
was my whole life.

how odd.
what greater job could i possibly have? and what else
could possibly grow me like these boys have grown me.

how sad he never quite figured that out......
and how lucky beyond words i am to have stumbled into
it all.

i had no idea.

as we drove in that crazy crowded car last nite,
i remembered a lot of the early days. i had no idea
it would bring me here.

no idea at all.

i celebrate my beasts today........
they are such a part of me.

happy mother's day!



we sorta did a reverse mother's day and spent the
day wanderin' together yesterday. there will be
goofin' a bit tonite and yet we're STILL gonna
do mother's day in july! i love these guys! THEY
were the ones who said it was too close to my
birthday so we needed to change the date.

i've actually done that a few times when they
were little. we used to celebrate in july and
have dinner on the roof. which is a dumb idea
in july. but it was oh so fun. we'd climb up there
and hang out with some dinner. when they were
younger it was such a treat. we all felt like
we could see the world up there.

anyway.....so it's only kinda mother's day here.

and i woke up smiling cause i had such a good day
with them yesterday. we drove out to an art gig
and also seein' people that are like family to me.
including my adopted mom. it was a day filled with
love.

wanted to post a picture from yesterday. actually
two. one is our group shot. and the other one without
noah is when we're waiting for noah to get the
camera ready. i think josh is lookin' at his phone.
and i'm not sure what zakk and i are lookin' at.
but the mood was so good and it's how yesterday felt.
wanted to share. and wish all the mama's out there
a happy mother's day......

Saturday, May 8, 2010

the nite sky

had a chance to drive a little bit last nite.
went to a town about an hour up to hang out
in a windy parking lot for a bit.

yeah, kinda sounds like i was in high school
again....but nah...it all had to do with a shop
that carries my work....

the drive up and back and the wind in that parking
lot felt sooooo good. people were getting really
chilly. i didn't feel the chill. i just felt like
the wind was blowin' gunk off of me. and it felt
so darn good.

drivin' home it was dark and i was thinking about
the night sky. i love the image of the sky inside
me.

i really do.

and since yesterday morning, i've really been dwelling
on the idea of the light inside me.

i want to hold that light and know it's there
even in challenging situations.

so i got to thinking of the stars in the night
sky. what if i could combined the two images of
light and sky!

for a brief moment i pictured millions of stars
all over my insides. like if you lifted up a
flap of skin and pulled it back, the underside
of the skin would be covered in stars!

ohhh! i saw it and felt it ever so quickly -
my whole body felt electrified.

then i pictured being in a challenging situation
and holding the stars in my hands. just holding
them and knowing they were part of me.

i have never once pictured the nite sky inside of
me. how has that happened???

the nite sky is exactly what i feel right now.
the deep deep darkness.....with gazillions of bright
lights shining steadily on.

i am sooooooo holding that today.

Friday, May 7, 2010

swappin' engines

one of my strategies for getting thru
any weirdness (see post below) is to concentrate
on this incredible family of mine.

i told zakk if i get blue, i'm gonna grab his
face with both my hands and just look at it to
remind myself of how lucky i am to have the guys
in my life.

he looked worried.

we had just come in from workin' on the car.
my hands were pretty greasy. you would think that
i had changed the entire engine in my car from
the looks of my hands and arms.

the patience that my sons show me when we do this
stuff astounds me. no one was in a hurry, we just
took our time and they walked me thru some of the
ins and outs of the car.

i did figure out you really do need some muscle for
some of this stuff. and you need rubber arms to
reach into crazy places.

i got pretty worried at one point, and looked up
from where i was layin' on the ground under
the car......i have to take the car out tonite
all by myself......and they're havin' me do a lot
of this tune up stuff.
'what if it all falls apart on the highway???'

they laughed.
i was serious.

ohmygosh.

i came in, washed up and made some dinner.
cooking was so much easier, i thought. well, just
keep practicing, girl....at one point you couldn't
cook a thing....

just wait, you'll be swappin' engines in no time.
well, okay, maybe not....
but maybe i'll be able to do a tune up all on my
own!

light

thinking out loud today.
something's goin' on in my life that is actually
always goin' on. it's something that is part of me.
just sometimes it's way in the back sometimes it's
closer in my face.
sometimes i am in such a good spot, it doesn't much
bother me. sometimes, like now, i'm not in the best
spot and i find it really really challenging.

last nite i grabbed my book (sherry you asked the title...
the road less traveled and beyond by m. scott peck) and
read about challenges being opportunities.

'those who are most healthy learn not to dread but to
actually welcome problems. altho triumph isn't guaranteed
each time we face a problem in life, those who are wise
are aware that it is only through the pain of confronting
and resolving problems that we learn and grow.'

and there was my reminder.
okay, ter......what are you gonna do with this?

i've been thinkin' about it all morning.
there's the easy way of complaining and moaning.
if i told every single person in my life, they'd all tell
me it was hard and it's a shame.

so?

my favorite line in that movie 'the secret' is when the
guy responds to problems like this with 'that's like
a big 'so what?''

i love that.

this is like a big 'so what?'

life is not always pretty. life is not always happily ever
after. so what, ter?

what are you gonna do with it?

as i walked i thought of the idea where we all come down
to play different roles in life. someone who gives you really
huge challenges has decided ahead of time to play that role
and treat you miserably in this life, it's cause they love
you so much, they chose that role to play for you to learn
things.

i used to kinda like that. it helped me get thru some dark times.
i don't like it anymore.

it denies the yucky side of life. it takes yuck and says no,
it really has to be pretty.

ya know.......i don't think it does.
i think it can be just plain yuck in places.

people all have their own journeys and some of the hurts they
get thru it can really do some damage. and that damage can really
affect how they are. in a really sad way.
some people get hurt and don't grow.
why can't that just be the way it is?

so then i pictured the players all suddenly being gifted with
understanding, and turning to me full of understanding and knowing
and actually seeing me. really truly seeing me and what's goin'
on.

woe.
what would i do?

hmmmmmmmmm............maybe that's like a big so what?

so what if they do?
who cares?
what difference does it make?

i know it's not about them.
i know that.
i know it's all about me.

what i feel about me.
what i see about me.
what i believe about me.

if i need other people to turn to me and see me for me
to feel valued and loved.....i haven't got down what i
need to get yet, have i?

mostly i don't need that.
but obviously somewhere inside me there's some conflict.

i think this is another step on the road for me to really
believe in me.

as i've been workin' on writing this book that i'm workin'
on, i've watched the self doubt, the hesitation about putting
me out there so much.

i have a lot of self doubt that creeps up in me.

but somewhere way way way down deep is this little voice that
i keep hearin'.......'put your light out there.' 'offer your light.'

i think what i'm ultimately wrestling with has to do with
that stuff.......my light.

and i just saw something really clearly......
this group that i struggle with....they're light stealers.
wow.
they so are.

that wouldn't be so threatening to me if i was secure in
my light. if i knew it couldn't be stolen.

in my head i know it can't be.
but maybe the work is to get that knowing in my bones.

if they can't steal my light, what's the problem?

it's like a big so what?

oh wow.
thinking out loud here helped.

what if i got so strong in my light i knew no one could
take it from me?
first i'd have to know i've got it and believe in it,
wouldn't i?

there's gonna be some light visuals goin on over here......

Thursday, May 6, 2010

kindness and wunderkindred

while i've always liked the idea of kindness
and really do want to be kind....the POWER
of kindness really hit me one day in my life.
i mean i REALLY saw it.....

i wrote the following bone sigh that day:

understanding now that this was
the way to open her heart,
she dropped to her knees
and opened herself
to its presence.


this morning over at living aware she posted this vid on kindness
that just melted me and made me remember what
i know deep deep inside.

wanted to send you that way.......
what a great reminder......

thanks, ms. wunderkindred!!!

attitudes, learning and wholeness

read an interesting little blip in a book
i've got by my bed....

he's talkin' about being whole and workin'
on our weak spots. learning what doesn't
come natural to us.

he said the three factors that play central
roles in our learning are attitude, temperament,
and values.

i liked that. wouldn't have thought of that.
and loved when he pointed out we all have
'attitudes' about some things and it's where
we have those attitudes that we're most closed
to learning.

mmmmmmmmm......
suggests we check out our attitude spots.
i liked that.

and then he quoted another author who lists
the values in which we interpret the world
as experience, science, reason, authority,
and intuition.

i can see right now these guys think different
than i do......i never woulda come up with
those things as the list of values..
but i like it.

so i walked and thought about my weak spots.
that's so easy. the glaring ones are anything
technical or mechanical.

and then i thought of the timing for this.
tonite i'm workin' on the car with the guys.
i change the oil and act like i discovered
the moon. there's oil changing and bigger
projects tonite.....i'm so mechanical i don't
even know what they are....

i've been tryin' to learn this stuff so i can
be independent. hadn't thought about it as
a means to being whole.

kinda tires me out and makes me think i'm okay
not being whole.

funny tho.
i'm not okay not being independent.

thought that was kinda interesting.....

seems to me i should be less okay with not being
whole.

gonna have to check my attitudes there.

grinnin' and lovin' the different brains in this
world.....

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

making a difference

a woman i met thru bone sighs sent me a book of
hers yesterday as a gift.

i wrote her, told her i got it and told her i'd
curl up with it that nite.

she wrote back and said she was a little nervous
having me read it as she liked my writing.

i have to laugh about that.........
let's face it....i write like a third grader.
that's not a put down. i like it just fine.
but it's hardly what i figure would be considered
stuff to make you nervous.

so i smiled at that and curled in later.

it's a thin book. i got half way thru it.
and i am loving it. absolutely loving it.

it's the story of cara deciding she wants to
mentor women coming out of abusive lives.
she co writes it with one of the women she
mentored, shelly.

shelly is telling what she's learning and how
she's coming to trust and like cara.

i put the book down and just kinda lay there
against my pillow thinking about these women.

i wouldn't care if they wrote it in half
sentences with every word spelled wrong.
turns out they wrote great! but who cares??

what they are doing together is stunning.
totally overwhelmingly stunning.

and once again i'm reminded of the power
of women.

and! they use that great starfish story
as the theme/title of the book!!

here's a link to the book for you to see....

and here's the starfish story in case you
don't know it....

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "I made a difference to that one!"

follow up on ms. sherry's thoughts

just got back in from coffee with the girls.
ah, that feels good...

got a great follow up comment from ms. sherry
where she pointed out the possibility
of losing the intensity of being human when you
become enlightened.

(hope i didn't cream that, sherry)

and YEAH!!! i've had the same reservations about
the whole enlightenment deal. figured that i was
so far away from it i didn't have to worry about
it....but at the same time....
all that calmness seems like it'd be missing out
on something!

i am so with ya, sherry!

i DO like the intensity....the passion of it all.

i think someone once tried to explain it to me...
but i didn't retain it.

maybe you kinda have so much love in you that
it's even better???

i don't know....but sherry i wanted to put your
wonderings out here. cause you never know who will
come along with our answers!!!

and somehow i needed the reminder today.....that i
really DO like the intensities of it all.

sometimes i forget that.

here's sherry's comment:
Ooo! So...when I read that last blog about "nothing but love" I wanted to post something...but I couldn't pinpoint what I was thinking..but I think "Anonymous" definitely hit very close to what I was thinking.. Of course getting to that "one love" place seems like it should be the goal...but then I go back to what I said to you in an email..about how in living from that one love place, although maybe enlightened and all...don't we lose the *intensity* which is the great part of being human?? Just adding fuel to the fire

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

indie

i popped over to indie's blog today
and just did one of those 'i could had a V8'
head hits.

ohmygosh....are some of you too young to even know
what that is???

it was a complete aha moment as i read her
comparing ourselves to a river.

i have used so many water images with my thoughts on
how i work....but i missed this really really really
big part of that image! and indie nails it right
in her first paragraph!

honest to pete, she gave me a visual i'll never
put down.

it took me forever to figure out i could have joy
and sorrow inside myself at the same time...it took
me forever to figure out how some stuff works inside
me....

if i had read indie's blog 10 years ago, i think i
woulda moved along a little bit faster!!!

wanted to do a shout out of a thank you to her and
point you her way.....

indie....you rock!

food for thought.....

got an interesting comment that i thought
would be good to pop up here and share
with you guys.

okay, anonymous...i'm not sure WHICH
anonymous you are....and if you want to
talk about it more, drop me an email!

here's what she had to say....

I was thinking about this yesterday, and I love the idea. . . .
I don't think I can quite formulate what is going on in my head,
but it is similar to the following (keep in mind this coming from
a single girl who has been single for about 5 years now): there
is the kind of love that is one, the metaphysical love of we are
all one love and that is the kind I think/believe you are talking about.
So if I move all the way into that spot of "One Love" and the idea of
"nothing but love" I feel like I am telling myself that I no longer
need that loving relationship with another human being so therefore
I shouldn't want that relationship. Does this make sense? So it is
possible to have that metaphysical "nothing but love" and still
want that very human experience of being loved by another
in a relationship?

>>>>>>>>>

okay....so i thought i'd share a thought....it's muddled
as usual, so i guess i don't need to put in a disclaimer that
i don't have any answers. that will show up clearly in
my thoughts here.....i guess my blog really makes that clear
anyway!!!

i thought this was a great 'food for thought' thing. i love
those. thanks for posting it. the two threads that came thru
in my head were this....

if we really could get into that one love/nothing but love
spot i'm not sure we'd be discontent and looking for anything.
everything would be just fine the way it is.
ya know? yeah, i know you know.

at the same time...i think that's ENLIGHTENMENT....and while
i think it's great to shoot for....we should prolly figure
we won't get there any time real soon.
we'll just have moments of it. maybe more moments in certain
times. and i want to shoot for more and more of those.

the other thread is that i think we need each other....in all
the different kinds of relationships and those relationships
are what teach us and help us grow and are the very ladders
to that enlightenment spot. and i think those love relationships
matter and are important and it makes sense that we want them.
we need them. they grow us. they push us to learn how to actually
give 'nothing but love.'...or maybe they help us to REMEMBER
how to do that.

and then a third thought that just popped in now...i think that
we are always loved. and we don't really know it or we forget
it or we hide from it or something. and i'm not even sure
what i mean. does that mean god??? is there a god there that
is just holding out her arms to us?? some people go with that
theory and maybe so....but i kinda go with some more hazy
theory of love being in us and around us and connecting us and
if we had ANY clue of how much of love we are made up of and
have every single moment, we'd want for nothing.

some muddle thoughts there to confuse the issues even more!

moment by moment

looked down at my desk and grinned.....

i have a cd cover layin here with the
title 'fearless love.'

sitting right next to fearless love is
my note that says 'nothing but love.'

i can make a nice chant with that....

fearless love.
nothing but love.
fearless love.
nothing but love.

my gosh tho......
i'm not feelin' like i'm gonna pull it
off today.

how come????

why does it take so much energy?
why is it so much easier to get pulled into
anything else.....everything else????

and no, i'm not just talkin' about the
romantic side of my life. sigh......
i'm talkin' all sides.....
all sides.
all angles.

it feels hard when i put all the 'issues'
goin' on in my life side by side and think
okay.....tackle them all with love.

ohmygosh.

i think i'll go back to bed.

but...if i don't do that.....and i just
take it moment by moment.....

that seems way more doable.

so that's how i'll start.
with this moment.

with this one moment.
and this little chant sittin' right
here in front of me......