Friday, December 31, 2010


obviously, i like quotes.

i stash them in my calender all year.

in cleaning out my calender this morning i found
a gazillion gorgeous quotes.

due to time and space limitations i will
just offer a tiny fraction here.
ah yes, breathe a sigh of relief....

but these had to be shared!
some of the best quotes i've stashed for 2010.
thank you to all my friends who sent them my way....

'only from the heart can you touch the sky.'

'to give beyond reason, to care beyond hope,
to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream,
in spite of your fears.'

'when we are willing to be ignited by the raw experience
of our own vulnerability, our very fears become the
alchemical fuel for this holy dancing light.'

'something opens our wings. something makes boredom and hurt
disappear. someone fills the cup in front of us. we taste
only sacredness.'

'the success of love is in the loving - it is not in
the result of loving. of course it is natural in love
to want the best for the other person, but whether it
turns out that way or not does not determine the value
of what we have done.'

'go to your fears, sit with them, stare at them.
your fears are your friends, their only job is to show
you undeveloped parts of yourself that you need to
cultivate to live a happy life. the more you do the
things you're most afraid of doing the more life opens up.
embrace your fears and your fears will embrace you.'

'surrender is the moment in which we decide that it is
time to become someone new. surrender is not about giving up;
it's about moving on.'

'how do the birds make great sky circles...
they fall and falling they are given wings.'

a love thought

i had a vague thought yesterday.
it just kinda wisped on thru.

and then this morning, as i typed the blog below,
it came thru again, stronger. and is now kinda knockin'
me outta my seat here.

it's the part about when i looked at my partner
and told him he was getting better with working with us.
and then he said i was too.

and i knew i was. and i knew he was.

and i knew it wasn't just the fact that i was working
and trying and he was working and trying.

there was more than just two individuals doin' their
work and comin' together. it was the mixing of our
work, the mixing of our trying, the mixing of our trust
that moved us miles.

and it's taken me this long to really really see it.

and in seeing it, i catch a glimpse of the holiness of love.

i remember years and years ago we got stuck. really really
stuck big time. and we knew that if we were gonna make it,
we each had to strengthen our weakest parts. i remember
seriously wondering if i could pull it off.

and i remember understanding that love demanded me to become

it was a pivotal moment for me.

in seeing yesterday that we truly have traveled miles,
and in understanding that those miles couldn't have been traveled
without each other, again, i see the power of love.

i had that whole 'two become one' stuff so wrong.
i looked at it oh so wrong.

love demands that i become whole.

and oh yeah, i know....i'll never be the 'whole' that i really
want to be. i know that. and love forgives that i'm not.
and love helps me to keep trying.

and it is in my growth with my partner, that i grow myself.
and there is something so incredibly holy about that.

miles and miles

i gotta say, i feel like it was a pretty cool closing up
of the year we did yesterday.

he and i have come miles this year. miles and miles.

and when he came over to talk to me about my thoughts in
the graveyard yesterday, the miles we had traveled were
totally with us.

he had done his own thinking about disappointment and
my struggles with it. but he hadn't quite got the thoughts
all untangled.

one of my most favorite things to do is untangle thoughts
with him. our brains work perfectly's where
our opposites really come in handy. and we can just rock
when we combine our thoughts.

and these weren't just any thoughts.
these were delicate thoughts as they pointed to some
unhealthy stuff inside me. i knew that. i had already
come to that. he suspected it, but was pretty cautious
about it.

he ever so gently put out what he had come up with.
asking me things along the way. and this was my favorite
part...don't know if it's true or not...but this is what
we came up with, well, he really did, i just agreed...
and i really like it....

disappointment is the opposite of gratitude.

we figured that disappointment comes from some expectation.
some feeling of a right to something. a deserving of something.

not sure if i think that's the case all the time with
disappointment....but i'm thinking it's more the case than not.
it is with me, anyway.

and we talked about how gratitude was just the opposite.

and then we dug deeper.
cause we both know it's what's under that that matters.

and so we dug into what i think is my most vulnerable areas.
we hit all the things that bring me face to face with

i watched him take all the things he's learned over the years
and use them. i was impressed. and safe.

i acknowledged how he had made space for me to figure some
of this out. and thanked him.

he just kept goin'.

he did try to fix everything at one point.
we both knew it, joked, and finished up.
cause it's mine.
and i know it.

i asked him if he thought i did a certain thing in our
relationship. i wasn't sure. it was a new thought. one that
had to be looked at. he mulled it for a moment, said he wasn't
sure. i figured i'd pay attention and watch.

to put that out there, and ask him if he saw it, and trust
his answer, no matter what it was...that's incredible to me.
to know he'd tell me honestly whatever it was he saw, that's
good stuff.

at some point i looked at him and told him how much better
he was getting with working with us.
he looked at me and told me that i was too.
i smiled and said 'yeah, i know.'

we've traveled miles this year. miles and miles.
yesterday was our chance to see it.
and a really cool way to end the year...


a friend just shared this with me......
and i thought it was a great read for the coming
new year!

check this out!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

a warm cup of coffee

i don't do good with disappointment.
oh i know, who does?
sometimes i wonder if i suck more at it than most people
or does everyone suck this much at it??
who knows.
i just know i suck at it.

and one of the funky weird things is that i do all this
protection stuff inside of me so that i don't have to
deal with disappointment.

oh, yeah, like that works.
it just seems to make things worse.

you would think i would figure this out and stop, but that's
the thing, it's all so slick inside of me...i don't even realize
i'm doin' all the things i do.

anyway.....i was dealin' with a disappointment.
and completely kicking myself for setting myself up for that
i mean i was kicking myself big time.

there i was, crying and kicking as i drove up to visit my dad's grave.

yeah, good timing.

i don't visit my dad's grave. the day of his funeral,
i cut out early to go back to the house and get the food out
for people so i didn't have to see the grave.
mature.that'd be me.

and then i did once. i decided i wanted to go up,
and it was well....a long, icky story....
it couldn't have been much worse.

haven't been up since.

but lately something's been calling me to go.
and so i went.

as i stood there looking at the plaque with my pop's name
on it, i thought of disappointment. and how i held it together
when he died....cause there was no way i was gonna touch in
on the disappointment.

and how it came out in some pretty big other ways.

as i wandered around the graveyard, i started saying things out 'oh wow.'
i think i said 'oh wow' out loud a whole lot.
it's the first time in my entire life i wandered around a grave yard
and knew a whole lot of the people in it.
it was the oddest feeling.
so many kids i knew growing up....their parents were there.
oh wow.
i even saw the grave of a beautiful girl i went to school with.
oh wow.

i stood there and looked at all these graves.
and all i could think of was 'life is full of disappointments.'
big ones.
look at all the loss here.

i decided to take a walk. one of my favorite places on the planet
is on the grounds. it's a little creek that i used to hang out at
a whole lot growin' up.

i walked down to it.
whoever is in charge of the grounds has complete opposite taste of
me. i found everything done around there completely tacky.
i muttered a lot of 'oh wow's as i walked by things that just
seemed so horribly tacky to me.
and i thought of disappointments.
'they did their best to destroy the beauty of this place' i thought.
that right there was a disappointment.
but the place is too beautiful for them to stifle it all.
they can't.
and the beauty leaked out all around the edges.

i went down to the creek, sat on a log, and breathed in the beauty.
so many thoughts were whirlin' inside of me.
so many.
walkin' back over the grounds, i had memories flood thru me.
a lotta time was spent up at this place.

hitting the graveyard again, i stooped down, touched the letters of
my dad's name, put a little sprig of green near it, and got
back in my car.

driving, i thought of life.
'it's just one big disappointment' i thought.
'one big disappointment.'
'yeah it is,' i answered.
and it's one big cosmic moment, i added, thinking
of the welding the day before.
and it's one big joyful moment.
and it's one big sad moment.
and it's horrible.
and it's beautiful.
and it's fulfilling.
and it's empty.
and it's everything.

it's all of it.
it's so all of it.

and it's whatever you choose to hold at the moment.

it's whatever you choose to hold.

it's all there.
every bit of it.
every bit.

the graveyard comes way too soon.
way too soon.
what am i going to choose to hold?

the timing really couldn't have been better for me....
setting the disappointment down, and turning to the living,
i opened my front door and found zakk making a cup of coffee
for me. big smile on his face, welcoming me back home.

there was an angel in there. i swear!

we had gathered in my shed.
they were gonna give me a welding lesson.

stepping right outside of the shed, they had me get
the torch going. turn the knob, use the striker,
POOF, turn the other knob.

let's do it again.

okay, i was in.
even lighting the torch thrilled me.
you should hear that poof.
it's one heck of a poof.

i wasn't doin' anything in particular.
just practicing.
we had two metal bars in the clamp waiting
for me to weld.

ohhh let's type that again 'waiting for me to weld.'

oh man, that's a cool phrase.

and so i did.
oh my gosh. i actually welded!

and at some point, right away, i was doing something wrong.
still don't know what. haven't seen this color light
before when i watched them weld. it was this yellow
color that was incredible. and different from any other yellow
i had seen before with this stuff.
but apparently, i wasn't sposed to be doin' whatever i was doing,
so i had to move the torch a bit.

i was reluctant as i didn't want it to go away.

but i moved.
and then the flame just wrapped around the bars and
it was so incredibly gorgeous.

and okay....i don't even know how to say this....i know
i sound like i'm on drugs....i know that.....but i swear
at some point as i watched the flame play with the metal,
i swear i saw an angel in there.

i know.
i know.
i sound like a lunatic.

and i wouldn't even type this if i just wasn't so full of
the whole thing.

josh just put his head down and laughed when i told him.
i know.
i really know.

but i so felt like i did.

and then....

the melted.
it melted.
oh my gosh. have you seen metal melt??? it's otherworldly.

it so melted and it was just incredibly beautiful.
the colors are indescribable. and when it melts, there's
something that happens, i can't even describe it.
but it's like a birth or something.

when i finished that one little spot, the guys told
me to turn the torch off. i did.
and they were goin' over stuff and tellin' me things.

but i had just seen an angel, you know???
and i had just seen metal melt.
so i guess i looked a little dazed.

noah's saying 'mom, mom, mom, i really need you to
hear this part.'

and i'm nodding. cause i'm hearing him.
but i'm looking a little dazed too.
and there's a tear running down my cheek.

zakk's sayin' 'mom, you can't cry now. you gotta
hear what noah's syain'.'

and i'm nodding and hearing what noah's saying.
i finally ask a question so they know i'm actually
here. they seem to relax.

we talk a bit about it.
and then i try again.

this time using the rod stuff.
i wasn't good at that at all.
and didn't even want to do it as i found it distracting.
but...what it is is a stick of stuff (metal?? i don't know)
and you melt that in for the low spots. so it melts and fills
in with the flowy stuff.

and i kept not getting the stick hot enough and then it
gets stuck and can't move. kinda like your tongue on a post
on a cold day.

but later i realized that when i got good with that, it'd
be like actually interacting with the melting. actually
being more a part of it. so i'm so gonna work on that.

i cut the lesson short.
the guys were giving me their time.
and i figured if i could keep it to short lessons, i'd
keep getting the lessons.

as we walked back in the house, my whole insides were
electrified. i actually felt the buzzing goin' thru me.

and you know what?
when i sit here and type about it, i feel it too.

years ago, when i started working with clay, i thought clay
must be my thing cause when i work with it, every cell in
my body smiles. i had never felt anything like that before.

but this......this is so beyond that feeling. i don't
even know what to think of it. i don't even have words to
describe it...

magic. birth. holy. angels. otherworldly. mesmerizing.
i think i love welding.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

a time whoosh

man, did i get spun around in some kinda weird
time whoosh thing this morning as i walked.

wow, i got so deeply lost in thought.
and this whole time thing kinda took over and
sloshed me all over the place.

i started out thinking of the year that has just
passed. an end of the year mellow reflective kinda
thing hit.

i tell ya, it's been one heck of a year.
not an easy one by any means.
one of the harder ones for me.
i looked back on the struggles. kinda shook my head
thinking about them all.
and yet, i seriously feel like i learned so much
this year - and finally started to put some of that
learning into practice. i seriously feel like this has
been one of my stronger years of growth.

somewhere along the line as i thought, i told myself
to 'look within.' because i need to do that today.
okay, so i need to do that every day. but i reminded
myself again this morning.

that phrase brought back my mantra i started out with
ten years ago. 'everything i need is inside me.'

ten years???
it's been ten years since i started this journey.

i just about fell over when that really hit.

i've been seriously searchin' and travelin' and tryin'
to grow in a direction i like for ten years.
i looked back, pictured the walk when i figured out
that i wasn't living real, i looked back at so many
of the walks i've taken over those years.

when i started with my mantra 'everything i need is
inside of me' i believed it, but didn't know how to live
it. i kept trying over and over and over to keep looking
within. to stop looking elsewhere. over and over and over

ten years later i'm still reminding myself. but i'm so
much better at it.
you would think........ten years of would

and yet........i still goof up.
of course.

and i guess i've figured out that's the process.
and yeah, i figured out that not EVERYTHING we need is
inside of us. that we need each other.

but i think i've learned a lot about healthy need
and unhealthy need.

what a journey.

this year i almost lost my belief in god.
i almost lost my belief in bone sighs.
i almost lost my belief in bob and i.
i almost lost a lot of stuff.

key word......almost.

maybe sometimes you have to come to the edge of the
cliff to really figure out what matters to you and
what you believe.......

i feel like these past ten years brought me to this year.
and obviously, they have.
but i guess what i feel like is that they all came together
this year and brought me to a place.....this place...

this place where i stand looking at the new year coming up,
and knowing that this is gonna be a better year than i've
ever had - no matter what happens- because of things that
i'm learning. because of who i'm growing into.

it's my 50th year coming up.
part of me just trembles at being that old.
and part of me is excited that i'm headin' into it with
these past ten years inside of me.

it's quite a journey.
and i'm likin' the ride.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


so today seems to maybe be one of those sad days.
or at least sad mornings....

i woke up with it, walked with it.

and think i'll prolly sit with it a bit....

i figure it's a balance.

ya know?

i mean, really, who can handle too much joy???

okay...maybe i could.
i'd like to try anyway.....

but sadness is part of that joy somehow,
and i know that.

so today will be what it is.

that in itself feels kinda good.

Monday, December 27, 2010

holiday week

i've beeen indulging a lot this holiday season.
ohmygoodness, yes.

i don't remember ever having so many lattes.
throw in the sweets from all directions,
no regular meals, zakk's new coffee maker,
the only exercise being a walk up to get a latte...

and changes. my body does and my energy does.

i was figuring it was all great because come january first
it's over, i'm seriously committed to some new resolutions.

i've done this before. this is the way the end of
the year rolls for me...

and this is the first year in my life EVER that
i'm seein' it as totally crazy.
and i've decided to back out of it a bit.

i think i'm full up on lattes and sweets.
ahhh....not true tho......i know i'll get a craving
now that i have my sugar monster goin' wild inside.

so i figure i'll drastically slow down, and maybe
feed it a tiny bit here and there before the first...
but gonna start gettin' it in training.

exercise is sounding good and i'm thinking it's
gonna have to be a bit more incorporated this week
than i had planned.

and the list goes on and on....

and believe it or not, this has excited me.
cause this is the first time in my life that being
healthy actually isn't a chore, or a loss, or a sacrifice.

it's really something that feels good, something i want
MORE than the other stuff.

oh my gosh.
did i really say that???

i think this other stuff just SEEMS like it feels good...
but my body sure isn't convinced.
and this is pretty exciting for me as i've never felt
like this before!

oh, there's gonna be time off of work, sleeping late,
wonderful stuff like that....but that feels healthy.
feels like a break i need.

so i'll be workin' on my resolutions this week,
and i think gearin' up for them in a different way
this year....

and that right there gives me a whole lotta hope for
this coming year.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


had a thought this morning........

about how we live and what our choices do for our lives.

right next door to me lives a guy around my age with
his elderly mom. she's alone a fair amount of the time
because he works and goes out a bit here and there.

she's very nice and always has been pleasant to me.
the guys do things for her and help her here and there.
but she does have her son. that is in the mix, and i
see that. but mrs. b. also doesn't come outside, doesn't
step out the door to chat, and has stopped inviting us in.
when we drop a goodie off, it's at the door.

right next to her is mrs. g. the one i hang out with.
she's outside quite a bit, always giving us things,
hollers when i go by, and calls and invites me over.

the way she includes us in her life has made such a difference
in how we include her.

oh yeah, my guys are the best guys in the world, and
definitely the neighbor guys you'd want living near you.
and they treat everyone really well. they do stuff for

but who did they adopt as their grandmother?
who is it they go down just to say hello to and stay for
long periods of time?

the woman who has chosen to reach out and give back to them
as much as she can. the woman who asks them what they're up
to. the woman who sees their beauty and tells them so.

her choices have allowed others to come in and hang out.

our choices have that power.

what we give back to the world matters.
and as i thought of my two neighbors this morning,
i was pretty taken with the differences.


they're everywhere.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

trapped in her necklace!

the fire was burnin' nice...
the music playing softly...
the christmas lights on all around me...
when she called.

'you sill alone?'

'yeah,' i answered.

'i'm just curled in reading this welding book
the guys got me.'

she started to laugh.

'you're not knitting??'

'nah, i should pick that up and finish it,'i said,
'but i got sidetracked on this welding book.'

and she really got to laughing.
i grinned on this end of the phone, not sure
what was so funny, but lovin' her laughter.

'girl, what will you be up to next?' she asked me
with such glee.

that happiness came from us hangin' out together.
i know it did.
she sounded really good.

'i can't get my necklace off and i wanted to take a bath,'
she told me.

turns out it was my turn to laugh.

told her i'd be right down.

as i stepped into her living room i joked about her being
unclasping her necklace, i teased that she'd have to practice
with it.

we talked of the pretty lights outside and how peaceful
and good everything felt.

there was such a good feeling between us.

there was something special about us both bein' on our own
today. there was some kinda goofy bond. between that and
the necklace and just laughing together....there was just
a feeling you could touch in the air.

life is amazing.
it's truly truly those silly small things, isn't it?

wandering home, i looked up at the sky and whispered
'merry christmas'.....

here's to just being here.

just good

it was the present i had splurge a bit on....
the one that i hesitated a bit, but went for anyway.

and yeah, it was great great great fun to give.

when i walked in with goodies....snacks for the movie...
general treats...and her christmas present, she protested.

she thought we shouldn't be giving gifts.

it's not a christmas gift, i told her.

and i stood there and looked her in the eyes.

eyeball to eyeball.

'when i figured out we were gonna spend some of the day
together today, i decided i wanted to get you something
that told you how much you mattered to me. i wanted you
to know. and i've never given you a gift that did that
before. so that's what this is.'

she got quiet and looked at me.
she looked pleased.

i went on to tell her how important she's been to me.
and i got choked up, and held her hands.

she told me stuff back. that i mattered to her too.

and then she sat down and opened it.
'it's kinda hard to read, but it says 'soul friends' on it,'
i told her.

and i read the card that explained what a soul friend was.
about how when people bonded deeply their souls blended.

she laughed and said 'well, that's certainly the two of us.'

she held it and thanked me for it, and then tucked it in the
pretty little bag it came in, telling me she'd wear it later.

'you never have to wear it' i told her.
'it's just so you know.'

we chatted a bit, and then snuggled in for a movie.

a commercial came on, and she picked up the box, saying
'i want to look at this again.'

she looked at it, and then slipped it back in the bag.

back to the movie.

another commercial and she slipped it out again.
this time wanting to wear it.

i helped her put it on.

she smiled and i saw her eyes twinkle.

back to the movie....

i was knitting as we watched.
a movement caught my eye.

she was twiddlin' around with it as she watched.
her hand gently goin' back and forth over it.
she was smiling.

i smiled as i looked back at my knitting.

on my way out, i gave her a big hug.
'that's one beautiful necklace,' i said.

she put her hand to it.

and she smiled.

i think she really likes it.

walkin' home, i looked at the gray skies and the quiet

i opened my door to the christmas mess i had left and the
goofy presents layin' around.

and i do believe i have never felt luckier.....


the boys have taken off...

and i'm headin' to my elderly neighbor's.....

and the mood is really good.

i was hoping i wouldn't lose it.
you know, fall apart as their truck pulled away.

but i'm good.
and ready to go make my neighbor twinkle a bit.

been nothin' but hangin' out with the people i love
since yesterday morning.

i think that what stands out the most for me all
thru the celebrating is the quick moments here
and there between me and one of my guys.

zakk snuggles next to me on the couch, and laughs
in my ear. i look at his face and his eyes are truly
bob reaches over and squeezes my hand, and i can feel
that feeling inside me that i get when he touches me.
josh looks up after opening his last present
and gives me the eye to eye thank you. it just sinks
into my heart.
noah gives me a hug and whispers how grateful he is,
and my eyes tear up.

it's been moments and moments of that.

mixed with laughter and gifts and eating.

and now for some other kind of joy.
hangin' out with my neighbor.
keeping each other company.

and knowing i'm so darn lucky.

Friday, December 24, 2010

one of my elves...

and this is one of the guys i'll be rejoicing in
all day today....

my son, josh.....

this blog
is such fun i had to share!

a good good day

in a few hours my christmas day starts.
this is my full day with the guys....
there's a present exchange early between
us and that kooky guy in my life, there's
goofin' at josh's, there's goin' out for lunch,
there's goofin' here, droppin' off goodies
to neighbors, all of us gatherin' in the
kitchen to make dinner, more presents this
evening, and even santa driving down the road

the guys will be here in and out tomorrow...
but this is the day that feels the most special
to me.

it's nothing but fun, goodness and love.
and i tell ya what, i'm gonna take it and
soak up every moment of it.

on christmas eve evening, there's something
so special that all of us seem to feel.
each one of us can touch it.

and THAT right there, the fact that each one
of us feels it and can say we feel it is the
best gift i can imagine.

there's just a gratitude for each other.

you can almost see it hangin' in the air.

the gifts actually help bring it out.
the material gifts.
tonite is the time the guys give their gifts
to each other and to me.

the ones i give are 'santa gifts' and are for
tomorrow....but tonite it's time for the brother gifts.

those gifts always have a lot of thought and love in them....
and they say to each other 'i see who you are, and you matter.'

i truly believe that happens. every year i watch. and every year
i'm amazed.

i think that's really one of the few times i see the power
of presents.the GOOD power.

ever have someone in your life who always gives the wrong thing???
who never gets it right. never hits something you'd really like??

yeah.....well, there's a lotta power in that, ya know?
yeah, we all know.

this is the opposite.

so even the presents are cool.

last year one of the things the guys gave me was a little tea set
in honor of little terri.

things like that.......
'i see who you are and you matter.'

it's a day of that.
a whole entire day of that.

talk about grateful......
i couldn't ask for any more.......

merry christmas...

you matter.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

the dance of the season...


the hard things come up one after another.


settle yourself, get yourself okay again.



tis the season.

it's okay tho.

cause tis also life.

one of my good friends got hit hard.
deep in her heart.
rattled to her core, she reached out.
i grabbed her hand and squeezed tight.
cause there was nothing else i could do.
i held her sorrow with her.
it's the worst kind of sorrow....
on-going that you have no control over and
you must watch play out.

later she wrote me that she was beginning to
understand that this was life. the way of life.
the joy and the sorrow.

i smiled.
we're both beginning to 'get' it.

that it's always a mix. and some of the parts of
that mix sure are hard.

and some of the parts of the mix sure are good.

i got the 'man, i just don't fit anywhere' feelin'
come over me again. mixed in with some family
sadness, it felt deep.

i hate that one.
and i certainly don't want it now.

but i let it come in.
said hello to it.

it's still floating around the corners of me, but
there's a whole lotta other things floating around in
me as well.

i'm beginning to see that.

there always is.

different mixes.

different potions.

which parts do we give the power to?
which parts do we focus on?

i turned my christmas music on and sang
to my heart....

it's the season of hope.

that's what it is for me.

hope in the darkness.

so it's okay that it's not all sweetness and light
inside me every minute. cause that's what the season
is give hope in the dark.

and when you look at the light of hope....
when you focus there....
you can't be focusing on the other.

and when you really focus, you can begin to step
nearer and nearer to it.

and the warmth becomes stronger and stronger.

over and over i do this dance.

get knocked away from the flame.
get up confused.
find the light.
step closer.


the dance of the season.
my dance of life.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

joy stealing

just a thought that's been on my brain....

joy stealers don't know they're joy stealers.

well, some probably know.
but i think most of us steal joy without even
knowing we do.

wanted to throw that out here so we all might
think about watching a little more carefully
this season.

there's a million ways to steal joy......
words, reactions, tones, lack of tones, all
kindsa ways.

when people are joyful around you, it's a gift.
ya know?

it's a gift.

let's not smash matter how unintentional
it is.

let's help magnify it and grow it. i mean...WHY NOT???
how hard is it to just encourage someone with their
own happiness???

something to think about this holiday season.....

me and the moon

okay, so i don't usually write about my cycle.
i try to be discrete and private with that stuff,
and low key. you know me. a low key kinda gal.

but i can't help it....cause this is too cool!

me and the moon had been having the same cycle
for a few years. and i thought it was the coolest
thing. full moon, and i'd have my period.
it was so cool.

it got to the point that whenever my sons or my
guy saw the full moon, they thought of me having
my period!!! now how awesome is that???

then i got outta sync and i was so bummed.
but then!!! it didn't take long for me to be back
in the rhythm again. and again, i was thrilled.
i thought it would take me years to get back on
track! and at my age, who can tell if i've got
those years!

but it happened fast.
but you know, it wasn't dead on. it was close,
but not dead on. but close enough to tickle me.

saturday i was due. but nothing.
monday evening i commented that i was wonderin'
where it was.

my guy, who REALLY never talks about this stuff.
who never talks about this stuff so much that it
makes me laugh as i'm all into it....

that guy looks over at me and says 'maybe you'll
start on solstice. it'll be like a triple whammy.'

i gasped.

i actually gasped with delight.

'ohmygosh, wouldn't that be the coolest thing???'

so yesterday (on solstice) when it landed in full
splendor i practically squealed!

and when my guy stopped by later, i gave him a hug
and said 'guess what?!! BIG NEWS!'
and with such enthusiasm i told him.

he shook his head and laughed.
and i clapped.

cause i think it's the coolest thing ever.

that nite as the guys and i drove around looking
at xmas lights, i kept looking at the moon and
saying 'me and the moon. we're in tune.'

me and the moon.
we're in tune.

and i can't tell you how totally delighted i am.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

my moon

so okay, somehow i managed to wake at the right time,
get myself out of that warm bed, wrap a blanket around
myself and tiptoe outside to see the moon and the
big doin's they've been talkin' about.

and sure was doin' its thing.
it looked way different...reddish....
i didn't see the 'blood red' that i have heard...
but i saw reddish.

and my reaction???

my reaction completely surprised me.

i didn't like it.
not one bit.

'ter. what's the matter with you??' i asked myself.
'this is a really big deal. way cool. once in a gazillion years.
what's not to like???'

'it's messin' with my moon.' was my answer.

and you woulda thought i was five years old.

and i wasn't kidding.

it amazed me.

i knew it was momentary. i knew it wouldn't last.
i knew it was a really cool thing.

and i didn't like it.

this morning when i went out for a walk, it was
still dark. and the moon was back to my moon.
all big and bright and glowing.

'ahhhhhhhh.......there she is,' i thought.

'terri, you are a weirdo.' i also thought.

yeah, but a weirdo who has her moon back.

don't mess with my moon.

Monday, December 20, 2010

the temple

'hey! you wanna take a walk?!' i asked, as if we've
never done that in the morning.

i just hadn't planned on him being up and there he
was and he hadn't gotten into the shower yet and
he was dressed and standing there.

he looked like he was ready for a walk.

and so he joined me.

it was still dark. wouldn't get light til after
we got home.

he grabbed his camera this time and off we went.

as we were walkin' up to the wooded part, he commented
on how beautiful it was.

and as we hit the part that i call 'the temple' i
kept going.

his voice was so great.
he was just amazed and indignant and shocked.

'you're not stopping.'

i had to laugh.


of course.
i'll stop.

and i laughed.

i loved that he felt it was too beautiful to just
walk by.

he took some pictures of the branches reaching for
the sky. i stood there and watched and loved it.

i had a thought standing there.

i used to take walks with my dad.
from when i was really young all the way to when i was
an adult. i loved them. and i still look back on them with
great fondness.

whenever i walk with noah, i always think about what
a treat it is for me. i have never once thought about
how when i'm gone, it's something he might look back
on with great fondness.

i had never even thought of that.

looking up at the trees and the star in the sky,
i felt so i truly was standing in
a temple. like we existed in a temple.

if only we could remember it when it got light out....

Sunday, December 19, 2010

once again...

so i thought i could sail thru.
it's been four years.
if i just keep goin'.
acknowledge it quietly to myself and keep goin'.
don't tell sappy stories, don't get all filled
with tears...don't write all about it.
just go on.

i tried.
i really did.

but then i really wanted to visit his grave.
the pull was really strong.
and so i had to at least let it out a bit.

and the day went haywire for me.
i tried.
but there was a little girl screaming inside
that her dad died on this day and she wasn't
okay about it.

there was the start of a drive up to the grave,
but it didn't take long to realize the drive
wasn't a good idea.

and the day kept goin' haywire.

oh, i kept it together on the outside
far more than on the inside. even tho, i know the
outside seemed pretty darn shaky to observers.
but they had no idea how much LESS shaky the outside
was than the inside.

that little girl inside was just screamin' about it.

it wasn't about the good memories.
it wasn't about the bad memories.
it wasn't about what could have been if we had more wasn't about the mess we made of what time
we did wasn't any of that....

it was just plain and simply that he died and she
didn't know where he was and it wasn't okay.

sometimes it's no more than that.
a part of me screaming.

and the day passed....and a new day's here.
there's still a sadness....but i think the screaming
may be over.

for now.

do we ever get used to this death stuff???

do we ever get used to something that we considered
ours no longer being here???

and then i remember........none of it is ours.
it's all a gift.

every moment is a gift.

the screaming calms....and embracing the now begins...
once again.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

gratitude filled chaos...

i do not know why i like happy chaos.
but i really really do.

this morning has been chaotic, and i've
found a smile on my face thru most of it...

i literally run thru the house to get to the next
thing, i smile as i go and i'm thinking okay,
if i do this, then i can do this, and then that.

i know that in a few hours i'll be calm and snugglin'
in quietly. but for now it's crazy running.

and i find that delicious.

i guess cause i know it'll stop.

and it's all fun stuff.

as i go zip into a quick hot shower, i'm gonna
say a prayer of gratitude....

that's another thing.........i can zip again.
my back is better.
zipping never felt so good...

i have a lot to be grateful for!

Friday, December 17, 2010

a thought

take three.

i have a thought in my head i don't know how to get out.
tried twice here and deleted both times.

it's a good one.
it's a brilliant one.
and it's not mine.
maybe that's why i can't get it out right...

i keep wording it wrong.
so i think i'll go right to the point.....
maybe concise is the way to go...

whenever you get two people any kinda
relationship.......there are differences. always. fact.
(and go for the many different kinda relationships, it's fun
to put this on them all!)

when the differences are obvious, you're more aware of them
and you work harder at acceptance and appreciating.

or that's a possibility anyway. hopefully you do.
if it's someone you love, you do.

but when the differences aren't so obvious, it's easier
to get into a false kinda rhythm. where you just assume
you're the same. and you don't notice the differences as much.
but they're still there.

that 'taking for granted' is sooooo much easier then.
and the differences slide off to the side...

the 'real' seeing becomes a skewed seeing.

i've experienced both ends of the spectrum in significant relationships.
and this thought just totally wowed me.
i totally totally could see how the taking for granted would happen
with the less obvious differences.
i've lived it...and it really did a whole lotta damage. the seeing
became so skewed.

i think it's totally true.

so what to do i want to do with it?
one thing is appreciate the challenges i have in my relationships
and realize that they're keeping me awake and present to who i
am working with. present is good. working on embracing the all is good.

and the other thing is to spend some time looking at the relationships
where the differences are less obvious. and see where i'm taking
those people for granted......not being present. not embracing the all.

how cool would that be??

i don't know if i've made the sense i wanted to here.
or gotten across how big i think this is.....

you know how some thing just feel holy??
and some things like 'taking people for granted'...well...
wow....they just feel so not holy.

it's just given me a lot to think about today.....

Thursday, December 16, 2010

the fear is gone...well, that one anyway......

i took a walk this morning and realized something.

there's been something in my life for a long time
that has produced a lot of fear in me.

and while i knew that lately my thinking about it
wasn't stemmed from fear, it wasn't until this morning
that i realized i'm not afraid of it anymore.

the fear is gone.

i think there comes a time when it's just been too long,
and where the hurt's happened,what you feared already
happened and where it truly just comes to be one of those
'it is what it is' things.

the hurt's happened already.
give me a break, i don't care anymore.

i've moved on to other things.

it was so weird to see that for the first time this morning.

it made me think of someone who tried to punish me once.
over and over and over.

ya know, after awhile....who cares anymore?
stuff may still hurt, that's for sure. but the power of
it all is gone.

and that's really cool!

and stepping back in both these situations and looking,
i'm amazed......i grew stronger. the source of my fear

sometimes life astounds me.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

good stuff.......

someone wrote me today and mentioned fears,
and alchemy and holy dancing light......

those things all mixed together
and tears came to my eyes.

i just leaned back and thought and felt......

something's goin' on inside of me.

real changes.

heck, i still don't know what on earth i'm
doin....but i'm opening more to being vulnerable
and i'm opening more to trust....and i'm tryin'
so hard to love....and i think i'm really learnin'

all the effort, all the work....i truly believe
it's startin' to kick in.

oh, i'm tryin' to figure something out right now
that's really really really hard for me. and i'm
not feelin' like i have a handle on it.

but here's the thing....

i'm remembering that the handle isn't what's important.

i'm actually remembering that.

it's being who i want to be as i muddle around and
fumble and stand with grace, and then slip in the

it's remembering who i want to be......
and that is ticklin me a lot tonite.....

a temple

noah joined me on an early morning walk.
it was dark out.
stars were shining...
street lights goin'...
nice and cold.

walking up the hill, the street lights end.
and you hit a brief area of trees. most have been cut
down, but there's still enough in the dark to feel like
you hit the woods. and without the street lights it
really feels like it.

we looked up....there was a bright planet shining in
the sky along with some stars. the dark tree branches
reaching up.

i stopped and just quietly whispered 'loooook....'
noah stopped and we both just stood there in this
reverent quiet, just looking.

'it's like we walked into a temple....' i whispered.

and it really felt like it.

we kept goin'.
and on the way back, we stopped in the same spot
once again.

i noticed it was the same spot.
same tree.

'some places just feel holy,' i thought.

how lucky we found it twice this morning........

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

little things

when we get a web sale at bone sigh arts,
if you found us thru a shop, we share the sale
with them. even if you'll never go back to that
shop....if you were just passing thru and live
on the other side of the country, we still share
the sale. and every time you re-order, the sale is

i've had some eye rollin' and squirmin' from friends
who want me to get what i can and who want to take
care of me....but i just tell them it's part of the deal.

that it's really quite fun.

mostly the checks are really small. sometimes just
enough for a really good cup of coffee. but sometimes
they're larger and sometimes they're downright decent.

what happens ranges.
some shop owners never say a word, and cash the check.

i have one shop owner i'm buds with and she always tells
me what perfect timing it was and what she's gonna go
get. it's ranged from something fun to drink, to groceries,
to some special yarn she'd been wanting.

i had one shop owner write me because she was so moved
as no one had ever done that before in all her years of
working with artists. and i think it was then something
turned for her and i and we really got cookin' with
workin' together well.

well....i just heard the most delightful thing from the
latest share we sent. it was one of the more decent checks.
and the shop owner was delighted. it was her first web
sale check from us.

she wrote and said they were going to think of something
extra special to do with it. her wording made me think
it's gonna be a surprise for someone else. wouldn't that
be fun??? whether it's something special for them or
someone's so fun to hear her delight!

i just got back from running errands.
it's freezing out and i love it.
xmas music everywhere, cold wind whooshin' around
as you get in and out of the car....and just havin' fun
lookin' for one special topper for something for josh.

i came home in such a holiday mood and found that note.
i smiled.

i love that part of my business.
sharin' and workin' together......

there sure are some really cool little things to feel
good about.

erica's post

just went over and read erica's blog.
thought a whole lotta people could use this

got a moment?
check it out!

star wash

it's way too cold and windy out not to get in it.
bundled up and out i went.
decided to take an extra long walk for a change.
i needed it.
i have missed this walkin' way too much.

walkin' along tryin' to figure something out.
it's not untangling.
just goin' around in circles.

i finally realize it's one big frustrating circle
for me right now and i'm gettin' nowhere.
so i visualized a metal hoop (too much welding on
the brain) and i hung it up in a tree.

leave it there for now.
enough already.

turning my face to the wind, i close my eyes
and let it wash over me.

hmmmm....normally that's enough to just clean me
off. make me feel good.

but it's feelin' like there's too much gunk of
the world inside of me.

all kindsa gunky gunk.

i don't want this gunk in me.

this is more than just an outside wash that the
wind can do. i need more.

i know what i need.

and so i visualize turning myself inside out.


my insides are now on my outsides.


but ohhhhhhh soooo good.

the wind comes whipping by again.

i close my eyes.

'clean off those stars,' i think.
'just clean the gunk off my stars.'

i release into the wind and the cold.
i look at the sky.

i feel so tiny.

gettin' my little stars washed.

walkin' along in my neighborhood, i saw it
as a giant star wash. pop a coin in here
and away you go...

i didn't want to go in.
wandering around my yard collecting greenery
to bring inside i felt my stars.


definitely better.

there is nothing so cleansing like a cold
winter wind...

Monday, December 13, 2010

pick wisely...

i've always said she's like my soul mate.
i have never ever had anyone get so close inside
me like she does.

and there she was....
askin' me....'what are you doin'??'
'what happened to speaking your truth??'
'what are you doin' here?'

some things i just want to be easier than they are.
if i just shut up, maybe they'll be easier.

but the MOMENT she said that, i knew she was right.
i wasn't living how i wanted to.
and it certainly wasn't making anything easier.
just false.
she's been with me almost the whole way of this truth

we've had soooooo many conversations about it.
so many practice moments.
i thought i had it down, ya know?

i thought i knew how to speak my truth.
it's been years of learning.
years and years.

thing is....there's always a challenge, isn't there?

and if it's the process and not the goal that matters,
than the challenge is okay.

i'm tryin' to remember that and know that.
and i mostly believe it.
prolly totally believe it.
just don't always like it.

but i tell ya, what i feel most grateful for at this
moment is her voice in my ear pushin' me to be who
i really am.

when someone does that they're tellin' you two really
big things.....

who you are counts.
and you have the strength to pull it off even when it's
hard. they believe in you.

they believe in you.

and yeah, that's what friends are for.
but i think you're really lucky when you get a friend
who's willing to go out on a limb and tell you that
you aren't living your truth.

and when you trust them enough to see the truth in what
they say.

sometimes i feel like the luckiest person on the planet
to have the circle of friends that i do.

pick wisely, cause a good network can make all the difference
in your life.....

pick wisely.

really good medicine

in my head i totally understand that everyone has
different tastes.

of course.

so why is it i can't believe that not everyone
loves pottery???

things like that.
i really look at a beautiful piece of pottery and
i'm convinced that everyone must see the beauty.

i always laugh at myself over that.
terri. let other people have different tastes.

so, in my head, i understand that just cause bein'
outside does something so healing for me, i
get that maybe other people really have different
ways of centering themselves.

but i don't really believe it.

grinnin' here.
it's part of my thick headed nature.

i took a walk in the snow this morning.
there's not much snow.
just enough to be beautiful.
and exciting.
and filled with the holiday feeling.

noah came along, so i knew i wouldn't be thinking
thru things. we'd just chat.

i also knew my heart needed a little attention.
figured i'd tend to it later.

but as i walked, and delighted in the snow and
my son, i could feel my heart just get lighter.
i could feel it.

i mentioned it to noah.

'my heart just FEELS lighter.'

so, okay, i know logically that not everyone is gonna
have the same reaction outside.

but i had to put this out there.
i really did.

strugglin'? just not feelin' so great?
try a walk.
try a walk.

see if it works.
it's the best medicine i ever take.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

that flame...

i grabbed two books and cuddled in.
ahhhhhh......i had promised myself this if i got
a certain amount of work done.


a bowl of popcorn, some cuddly blankets,
i was ready.

one book is a spiritual book.
one book is a welding book.

i started with the spiritual book.
tryin' to overlook wording that bugged me,
i kept on.
'she doesn't necessarily mean it that way, terri.
it can be taken broader.'
and i kept tryin' with that outlook.

pretty soon i was tired of trying.
she started tellin' me what i needed to do to
be spiritual.

feelin' grouchier and grouchier that someone was
explaining god to me, i tossed the book aside.

picking up the welding book, i snuggled back in.
'god's in that welding flame,' i thought.
i know it. i felt it.

i got lost in reading about the safety of torches.

i have a feeling welding is gonna be one heck of
a spiritual experience...

an important moment

i was remembering one of my most significant moments
in counseling years ago.

i had taken something that i felt shame over and brought
it to my counselor. it was a specific smaller moment.
just one of those things that added up.

she stopped me in my shame tracks and said she saw it
as a really good and legitimate thing i had done.

that i was taking care of myself. and i certainly wasn't
unreasonable in the way i did that.

i remember that moment.
cause i was sure that i 'failed' because i didn't put the
other person first.

i thought about that yesterday.
i really think it was the first time i ever experienced
someone telling me that it was a good thing to take care
of me. even if that involved putting me first.

how amazing, huh?

and it came from an 'authority' figure that i trusted.

now, the thing is, i was taking care of me. i was ending
a relationship i needed to end. i was taking the steps i
needed to take. i really was taking care of me.

but i never felt it was an okay thing to do.
i felt such shame over it.
i felt like i was so much the bad girl.
the selfish woman.

but i knew it was either be the bad girl and survive,
or be the good girl and die while i was still living.
i knew that.

but there was such shame in taking care of myself over
the needs of everyone else.

so yesterday as i remembered this moment, i realized why
it was important.

no one had ever told me that before.
or maybe it was no one i really trusted. not sure.
but here was someone i had come to trust a lot.
and i was hearing it for the first time.

i was 40 years old. and it was my first step into really
believing that it was okay.

someone recently expressed concern to me about posting
something on my facebook for fear someone else would get mad.

i wrote her a note.
asked her to think about this.....

speak your truth, live your truth, and do what feels right.
if anyone has a problem with it, then they have a problem.
and it's not yours.

as i typed that to her, it brought me back years and years
ago when i was finally learning that concept. and yeah,
i remember, it was no easy concept to get down.

the fear of 'them getting mad' is amazingly powerful.
the fear of being a bad girl....the selfish,
that stuff can be so strong.

i think i thought i was the last one left on the planet
who had to learn this. but as i talk to women around me,
i'm seeing that there's more out there who need to hear
this stuff.

and so i'm posting this with that in mind.

i've come a long way with that concept.
now i'm far beyond it's an 'okay' thing to do.
i'm deep into it's the only way to live.

we only have this one life (as far as i know)
why on earth do we just give it away over and over again?

it's yours.
take it and live it as the gift that it is.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

the a team

he summed it up something like this:
'we did it in our true fashion. we started with a goal
which fell apart as we went along, but that only added
to the fun, and the best parts were the completely
aimless wandering.'

i grinned.

the guys and i had just finished a day of celebrating
josh's birthday.

the highlight of my day was standing by some train tracks,
waving madly to a train and having the conductor toot his
train with a hello back.

seriously. that made my day.
and yes, there is something seriously wrong with me.

but i could take that little thing and i could wind
that up and make it an event.
and the guys let me. and they go with it.
and so a day becomes filled with 'events' and i love that.

it started snowing which added to the festivities.
it was freezing outside. the air was filled with a holiday

the day before bob was talkin' about some incredible group
of people in the field of rocket science and he called them
the 'a team.'

'is that really a phrase??' i asked.

i was now familiar with that kooky tv show by that same name
as i've watched that with the guys.

i was so tickled it was really a phrase.

as we drove along yesterday, i mentioned it to the guys.
'we're the a-team.' i told them.

they hoppped right into the show....they've already said
each one of us can fit the characters....(which is scary)


not like THAT, i laughed.

we're just an awesome team.

i saw it many times thruout the day.

driving back towards home, there was christmas music on.
a song was making me think of my dad and making me choke
up a bit. i turned off the music and with a choked up voice
said 'i don't want to hear that right now.'

the guys are so used to my random weirdness.
noah popped in some heavy german music and turned it up

ah. better.
we all laughed and kept goin'.

the patience, the kindness, the goofiness, the support,
the caring, the fun, the laughter, the love.
the a team.

another day to remember.

Friday, December 10, 2010

the season

what a season.

when i was a kid, i just loved it.
i loved it for a very long time.

then it got hard.
and then i saw a lot of sadness all around me.

i wondered how i had gone so long with not really
seein' all of that....really seein'.
so many people hurting.

then i wavered and wasn't sure i loved the season

and then i came back to it.
i'm back to loving it.
but in an entirely different way.

i have my own hard stuff the season brings out.
and i think with bone sighs now too, i see a whole lot
more pain than i used to. just people comin' thru
and talkin' and sharin'. some REALLY hard stuff.

so there's a big part of the season that's hard.
but here's the cool thing.....
there's a big part of the season that's beautiful.

i wrote something the other day about love.
when i wrote it, i was thinking about relationships.
but this morning it occurs to me that it could be life too....

here, look.
here's what i wrote about relationships:

easy. pretty, romantic, fun, smooth.
those were the words she had hoped love was.
and yeah – they were there.
but so were hard, work, hurt, frustration.
and she finally understood.
love was what was there no matter which other word showed up.

now....let's take 'romantic' out just cause that'll muddy
the waters. and let's put 'life' in for 'love':

easy. pretty, fun, smooth.
those were the words she had hoped life was.
and yeah – they were there.
but so were hard, work, hurt, frustration.
and she finally understood.
life was what was there no matter which other word showed up.

life/love....i hope one day for those things to be so the
same thing inside of me.....

and included in all of that mix is the painful.
the stuff i'm hearin' or experience myself this holiday season

and i think what i'm startin' to get is a 'grown up' version
of lovin' the holidays.

knowing it's awful hard.
and knowing it's way beautiful.
and knowing there's something incredible about that.

and somehow....i think that's the whole point of the holiday
season to begin with.

but it took me this long to find it...


zakk walked in with a 'how you doing, mom?'

'happy!' i answered.

'happy, happy, happy!'

he grinned and asked how come.

'don't know, just am.'

and then as i zipped around a bit, i realized
i was zipping around a bit.

i'm zipping around!!!

i haven't zipped in a week.

for days and days and days i couldn't even
stand up straight.

and right then, i was zippin.

granted, it was slower speed zippin' than my
normal zippin. but still....there was zip involved.

ohmygosh.....did i appreciate movement.
did i appreciate standing up straight.

i tidied up a bit like i hadn't in a week.

even tidying felt glorious.

amazing how if you take away some of your good
health, it changes everything.

i thought of people with chronic pain.
and i soooo sympathized.
and i soooooo rejoiced in the zip i felt comin'

just in time too.
we're finally celebratin' josh's birthday today.
and i'll need some zip.

thing is....i'm so excited about my zip, that the
guys are gonna wish i still couldn't stand up
straight....just to slow me down a bit!

watch out i come.....

Thursday, December 9, 2010

a morning cup of tea

i'm missin' my walks.
but i've decided, i can't miss sayin' good morning
to the day.

so i stood at the window of my studio, right next
to my pellet stove, cup of tea in hand and watched
the morning enter.

winter truly is my favorite season.
and i think one of the main reasons is those bare
limbs reaching up to the sky. there's something
so profound in that look, in that feel...

i stood there looking at the bare limbs, the sky
becoming lighter, and the 'what's it all about?'
feeling came thru me again.

i didn't try to answer. i just knew i didn't know.
and i let it go.
i smiled.
i'm gettin' better at that.

the understanding that it's a gift floated thru me.
i held that and thought of that.
it's a gift i want to honor.

i thought of my frustrations the last few days.
feeling way frustrated with some stories i'm hearin'
from women around me.

women caught in unhealthy relationships choosing to
stay in them.

i wondered at my frustration as i looked at the peaceful

i'm usually pretty good about accepting people where they're
at. if they're not ready to leave, they're not ready to leave.

but this time, the frustration is swirling inside me.
and i wondered at that.

staring at the tree limbs reaching to the heavens, i really
understood we only have so much time. it's limited.
it's not forever.

my frustrations at them spending their time in misery wasn't
doin' much for my own way of spending time.

i smiled.

oh yeah.

all i can do is work with myself.

oh yeah.

i need to watch and learn and know that i live my own
denials and deceptions. and i need to see those and
leave those behind.

i don't have answers for myself, let alone for anyone

when i can really learn to see myself, when i can really
learn what drives me and why, when i can always follow
my truth...well, then i can get all frustrated at the
rest of the world.

i think the world's safe for a bit.

i smiled, still holding the gift of the day, i watched the
sky turn a soft pinkish gray.

my eyes teared up.

it's a gift.

no one can hand you a gift this magnificent.
and here it comes every morning.
quietly, gently, it arrives.

what will you do with it, ter?

setting my empty tea cup down, i turn...but
not to grab the day...not this morning.
this morning i just want to be in it.

i just want to be quietly in it.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

finding christmas over and over again...

thank goodness for internet shopping.

i did it.
i went in search of the perfect present for
my elderly neighbor who i'll be spending christmas
with. (see post below)

i always give her a stupid present cause what on
earth do you give someone who's in her 80's and
tryin' to clear out her stuff??

i usually go food or something that won't hang
around too much....

i've never given anything that felt really right
to me. but it's something. and she knows i'm thinking
of her, and so i slide right on by with that.

and this year i've already decided to cut back on
gifts. finances have forced a wide scale-back. i've
sworn off buying another thing.

so there i was......internet shopping.

and for the first time EVER i feel like i'm getting
her something that she'll treasure. and i winced as
i bought it. it's hardly a million dollars. but i
still winced.

people say i'm generous. and i have to shake my head.
cause sometimes i find it really hard to give. sometimes
i wince and hesitate and then i do it. but there's
that wincing and hesitation that i think a truly generous
person would not do. but i usually have a tug that comes
from the act of trying. one day i'd like the tug to be gone.

but the tug is gone now. or it's wearing off anyway...
and i keep thinking of how i'm gonna save it for when it's
just her and i. and how i'm gonna get on my knees and give
it to her.

she sits in her chair and has a hard time moving her head
to look at you. so sometimes i kneel in front of her and
stay there talking to her. or i'll sit smack on the floor
in front of her. but kneeling helps bring me up to eye level
for her.

i'll kneel in front of her, tell her that her caring for
me as much as she does has affected me deeply, and i'll
hand her this present i just got.

there won't be any wincing then.

it's a necklace that has the words 'soul friends' on it.
and i think it's gonna be the best gift i give this year.

i'm gonna tell her i love her and she matters to me.
and yeah, i'll prolly tear up.

and to think yesterday i was blue cause i couldn't script
the day out like i wanted....

and who knows....maybe this script will get tangled and messy
too.....but my heart's there now.

and i found christmas again.
and it feels really right.

it's up to me....

there is a point to this post.
i figure if i put it up here first, it won't be missed.
it's NOT 'oh bummer, terri, needs some support.'

it IS 'these are the holidays and let's live them the best
that we can, because it's a gift. even when it feels funky,
it's a gift.'

because i have the most amazing sons in the whole world
(and yeah, that's a fact) and a pretty darn awesome guy
in my life, it is assumed that my holidays are filled with
love and joy.

well, they are.
and they're also filled with disappointment and loneliness.
they are incredibly mixed.

i'm kinda wondering if that's not the case with EVERYONE in
some sense.

putting aside my sadness that i carry about my extended
family that surfaces every holiday, there's something else
that brought out the blues for me.

yesterday i found out for sure that i'd be on my own for
christmas. alone. i knew it was coming, but was waiting for the
final word. i got it, and i tried to be a big girl about it.

but then when i was all by myself, i gotta say, a few tears
rolled down my face. okay, more than a few.

this is hardly the first christmas this has happened.
and it won't be the last. and as the tears ran down my face,
i felt their warmth and let them fall.

cause i knew i had to do that.
i had to cry.
it's what i do.
and i wanted to honor the disappointment.

and then i picked up the phone, called my elderly neighbor
and asked her what she was doin' christmas day.

also on her own, she loved the offer of hanging out and
watchin' movies. i asked her if her thanksgiving buddy was
planning on hanging with her as i didn't want to interrupt.

she told me she wasn't and that was a good thing because it
can get to be too much for her.

i expressed concern that i didn't want her to feel that
way if i came down...and she said 'oh no, it's different.
i'm not close with her like i am with you.'

as we ended the conversation later, she teased me and then
laughed and said 'isn't it great we can tease each other
and know it's all in fun?' and she sounded so delighted.

as i went thru the evening, i kept thinking of the shifts
inside of me. of how i'm starting to look at life differently.
this would have to be included, i told myself.

this is life. it's messy, it's not what you'd script out,
and how you live it is up to you. what you find in it is up
to you, what you do with it is up to you.

this morning the first thing that ran thru my head was her
voice saying she was close to me. she's 82 or 83...i can't
even remember...and she feels close to me. this sorta amazes
me, and yet, when i think of some of the stuff we've been thru
together, it makes sense.

we've done this before. in fact, it's getting to be a tradition.
and you know what? it's gonna be really nice. really loving.
and really special. i'm always talkin' about how important my
women friends are to me. how about my elderly woman friend?

no, it's not what i woulda scripted out for myself.

but here's the can't script life.
and maybe that's a wonderful thing.
cause if i coulda, i woulda missed a whole whole lot.

and if i know that, and i really do know that...
then it's up to me to take what comes and do all that i can
with it and to know that this is life and it's mine and
it's a gift.

i've done the sad stuff, and yeah, it'll come back here
and there....but i'm gonna concentrate on my neighbor and
i'm gonna try to think of a really extra special thing i
can give her for a gift. something to really make her
feel loved.

i'm gonna think of some special food i can offer that day.

and i'm gonna make that day beautiful.
cause it's up to me.
and it's the holidays and i think holidays are beautiful.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

a forced slow down...

i hurt my back last week....and for the first time
in days, i can stand up almost straight.

it's amazing how exciting that is to me. i have missed
standing up straight. and i have missed being able
to hop around and do everything. it's actually been
quite a lesson in what it must mean to be older and
more dependent.

i gotta tell ya, i'm not good with it. but finally,
yesterday, i released into it. just settled in with
not being able to do much and wouldn't you know it,
i felt better.

i got really reflective. just quiet and reflective.
and i started thinking of all the shifts goin' on
inside of me.

as i headed to bed last nite, this thought ran thru
my head:
'it's not about anything i thought it was. everything's
different than i thought it's even better.'

it was the coolest thought. i realized my outlook on
just about everything has been changing.

this morning, not being able to stand it anymore, i rolled
out my special chair with the heating pad and i sat right
outside my studio, all bundled up and watched the morning
come in.

i was so cozy i coulda napped right there. nothing was
bothering me, nothing on my mind. i was melted into the morning.
(and my heating pad)

finally, i whipped off my hat to feel the morning more.
and that's when i kinda woke up. and the thought about
nothing being what i thought it was came back inside me again.

i looked at the sky and realized i was just barely beginning
to understand anything. and i smiled.

for some reason, i really like that.

my beliefs on love, life, family, me, money, work, all those
big beliefs are shifting.

and it's not scary at all.
it's so way cool.
cause it feels deeper and more real.

rollin' my chair back in for another reflective day,
i'm smilin'. yeah, i want the back pain to be gone.
i really really do.
but at the same time, this forced slow down is really
kinda cool......

Monday, December 6, 2010

happy birthday, josh...

twenty five years ago today, josh came into the world.

he wasn't here before that.
where was he???? was he really nowhere???
that muddles me every time i think about it.

and now i can't imagine life without him.

i sit and look out the window and wonder where those years
have gone. and how this young man that i look
at now was ever really that tiny little guy in my arms.

i watch him grow and struggle and reach out and touch the
world around him and i'm in awe of this whole darn process
of life.

i don't know if it's because it's his 25th birthday, or
it's the early hours of the day, or what...
but i'm just filled with this feeling of having no understanding
of what it's all about, kinda knowing it's all beyond me,
and surrendering to that today.

surrendering to that today and covering myself in gratitude
for being allowed to watch a little boy become an extraordinary man.

happy birthday, josh.
you make my life beautiful.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

savoring the flavors of life...

we have a ritual goin' on over here that when the
guys land back home on a saturday nite, we all sit
around and catch up on what was goin' on with our days
and evenings.

one of my favorite things to do is take a tiny bit of
truth that happened and then twist it all up and make
it crazy and make it so no one knows if i'm tellin'
the truth or not. i usually take something about bob
that happened that day and then exaggerate and add
and then no one knows what to do, including bob.

their confused faces make me laugh so much and it tickles
me to no end. and no one knows which part is true...
except bob, of course, but he's long given up tryin' to
sort it all out. he just lets me go off and waits for the
confusion. that's one of my favorite things to do.

one of their favorite things to do is zing each other
with teasing jabs. and if they can set one of the other
one's up to be in trouble with me, then they've scored
big time.

so if someone says something that implies the other one
was saying i was fat, and i turn to the other one aghast
that they said that, the instigator will just beam with
delight. they have scored.

bob shot a great one out last nite that hit me first then
hit josh.

josh's mouth fell open and he said 'wow, that was like
a bank shot!'

and i looked over at bob who was hunched up in laughter
totally enjoyin' the results of that shot.

this is a particular chemistry that has come to life between
bob, me and the boys. and it's great fun.

i looked over at him chucklin' away over there and i grinned.
we all know how to zing each other. we know the spots to hit.
something you learn by hangin' out. and it's all in completely
good natured fun.

i love how this has come to life between us all.

there's so many different kindsa dances between all my different
relationships. so many different flavors.

it's so different with my girlfriends.
and when i forget and mix the the time i slugged
my girlfriend on the shoulder and she looked stunned....
oh yeah. i save that for the can be really funny.

the flavors of life....
i'm savoring them this morning.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

the same and so not.

so you prolly know about the facebook cartoon picture thing.
they're tryin' to get everyone to pop up cartoon characters
for their profile picture to kinda be symbolic. to have only
childhood memories on there by monday to recognize child abuse.

nice thought...altho, i can see a few glitches to it.
like what if you were abused when you were a kid and don't want
to put up memories??? a little snag there.
but i think the thought is really nice.

i wanted to put up someone really cool like foghorn leghorn.
remember him??? or even better....marvin the martian. but truth
is i didn't really like either one of them! i liked casper the
friendly ghost.

which had me grinnin' this morning.

something that i find fascinating is how much we change and
how much we don't change.

i totally think that's crazy amazing.

i like the same kind things when i watch something.
okay, maybe not casper. (i don't know tho...maybe)
i'm not into scary or mean or sneaky. i like nice.
i always liked nice and kind and that stuff.
always inspired me. i actually remember that.
and i like that to this day. i want to be inspired
when i watch something.

sometimes when i look back, i think, ohmygosh, you are
exactly the same, ter.

and then, sometimes when i look back i know i'm a completely
different person. i can't even believe some of the things
i thought and did and went along with. and i think, ohmygosh,
you are completely changed, ter.

both of 'em.
mixed all up inside of me.

and i'm thinking you too.

and i think that's the coolest thing.

so then, maybe what would be fun to do would be to figure out
what's changed and what's not. and why??

hmmmm....could be cool.

Friday, December 3, 2010

sweet smellin' stars...and friends

i picked 'sweet smells' as my word(s) for the day today
from my friend's gift she sent me. (stay with me on that
idea as i'm sure they'll be floating thru a lot of blogs now!)

i smiled when i read it, and the thought on the other side.
but i didn't really think it'd be a sweet smell kinda day
for me...mostly working. and not too many sweet smells in
my studio here.

don't mess with the holiday words.

they know.

cause someone very dear sent me a gift for 'little terri'

oh yeah.

a children's book.
called 'draw me a star'

smilin' big.

is that perfect or what???

i leaned against my pellet stove, got nice and warm
and read my new book.
and i loved it.

but i didn't notice something about it at first.
not sure if it's where i was standing or what....
but when i was done, i put it on my desk to be
sure to write her a thank you note.

later, i sat back down at my desk.

mmmmmm.......what's that smell????

i picked up the book.
mmmmmmmm......oh man.

and i put my face right in the book and flipped
the pages real fast.

mmmmm..........i breathed it in.

a new children's book smell.

remember that smell??

i remember it from when my kids were young.

oh wow.
and then i looked over at my slip of paper.
'sweet smells.'

you gotta be kiddin' me.

this is way too cool.

two gifts from people who don't know each other
mixing like that....

and both gifts were so loving and made me feel so good.

ya just gotta love this holiday magic stuff that goes on.
i sure do.

all the parts of me do.
'specially that inner child.

now scoot on over.
i gotta draw me a star.

just thinking...

i was struggling with something as i headed for
the grocery store. as i backed out the driveway i told
myself 'it's not the goal, terri, don't get stuck on
the goal. it's the process. watch the process that's
going on and do the best you can thru that.'

i still felt wobbly as i walked into the store.

standing in the pasta aisle, i looked up when i heard
her coming. she works there. we know each other kinda.
it's hard not to know people who work at the same store
for years.

she's always upbeat and happy.
not this time.
i turned and asked her what was wrong.

as she filled me in, tears come to her eyes.
her story was filled with so much pain, i just wanted
to cry. i held the tears back as it seemed more help that
way. but as i said goodbye and turned down the next
aisle, it was all i could do not to just break down
and cry.

pulling it together, i kept going.

a few more aisles and i ran into another worker i kinda
know. he's been thru his own pain. i'm not sure what the
stories have been, but they have so been on his face over
the years i've seen him at the store.

i stopped to say hello. and i don't think i ever gave
him such a gentle hello. i heard my voice and surprised
myself. we talked for a moment. and his thanksgiving report
skirted around sadness.

as i kept on goin' i thought of the struggling all around everywhere.

and then i hit the check out.
the two guys bagging were oh man...i don't even know what
the politically correct words are....mentally challenged.
and completely wonderful. they'd put one item in a bag and then
put it in my cart. one guy put the cookies in so gently it was
if he was putting in a baby into my cart.

unfortunately, they got the cashier who has no sense of humor
at all. while she wasn't unkind, she certainly wasn't fun.
so i hopped in to make it all a little more fun.

but as i stood there, i thought of the challenges these guys
have...and their parents must have...

and i really thought i was gonna lose it right there at the
check out.

just hold on, ter, you can weep in the car. just a few more

but by the time i hit the car, the cold air had knocked the
tears back.

i was thinking tho, that life is so so so full of hard things.
again, i reminded myself it's not the goal.
it's the process, ter.

and how we treat each other as we go along.

noah just sneaked outta here so zakk wouldn't catch him.
he was headin' down to finish our elderly neighbor's lawn.
gettin' the leaves up. zakk had done most of it yesterday,
and now noah was headin' down without zakk knowing to give
him a break and finish up.

so much of the process is how we treat each other.
so much of that matters.

i watched noah slip out the door and i wanted to cry again.

maybe it's hormones that makes me want to cry.
maybe it's life.
whatever it is, the moments to touch another are everywhere.
as are the struggles.

and those moments of touching ease those struggles in a way nothing
else can.

to be aware of the power of our touching...
and to touch at every turn...
how wonderful that would be.

tweakin' my grooves...

i bopped around the block today at a really good clip.
my energy is up this morning and it was cold out.
between the two, i kept moving.

was just turnin' light out. light gray.
and the moon was out with a star right there near by
and there was this great feelin' in the air.

at one point i started humming and then shushed myself.
it seemed like the humming would disturb the morning.
it wasn't ready yet for humming.

i tried to figure out the word that described the sky.
'magic' wasn't right.
'potential' wasn't right either.
all i could think of was 'dusky dawn.'

i sailed thru the dusky dawn thinking.
started thinking about people's processes.
their choices, their way of doin' things.
no one wants anyone else's way. we all want our own
and we all want to be left alone to do it our own way.

i pictured my own self.
i saw this old sailboat (that would be me)(i wonder what
that means in fruedian terms...picturing yourself as an
old sailboat...)

i saw this old sailboat goin' thru this groove in the
water. the groove was my way of doin' things. it was
the groove i followed.

if we all do this....make our own grooves in the water,
and pretty much want to stick with whatever grooves we
make...seems to me like it's a good idea to keep lookin'
at that groove. and to keep tweakin' that groove.

so that when you say to someone 'i need to live my way.'
you at least are payin' attention to what that means.

i'm not sure, cause how do you ever really know, but it looks
to me like a lotta people never tweak their grooves.

thinking about that as i headed in, i decided to look at
my grooves as i go thru the day today. gonna be a tweak
my groove kinda day around here....

cause i'm thinking it so totally matters.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

magic is my word today!

long after i posted my post below, i received
the coolest thing in the mail...

my buddy sent me a christmas bag full of slips
of red and green paper with a word on each piece.
on one side is the word, on the other a quote
relating to that word.

the idea is to pull one each day and have that word
floating around with me all day. something to hold
and keep in mind.

which couldn't be more perfect....i love that kinda

well, COULD be more perfect.
cause guess what word i picked as soon as i opened


i couldn't believe it.

it reminded me of my thoughts this morning as i walked
(see post below)...and it reminded me that magic is
absolutely everywhere.

'specially in my buddy's heart.

feelin' the magic of the season tonite...
and lovin' it!

in between magic and holy

noah and zakk and i are making a christmas present.
i can't say anymore as you never know who's looking.
last nite found us all out in the shed workin'.

welding is involved.
i don't know how to weld and want to learn.
so, last nite i got my very first lesson.
and no, i didn't weld. i just watched, asked a million
questions...and tried to learn.

i have never watched up close like this before.
this is the first time i saw the metal get so hot it glowed.
and i saw everything kinda melt together.

i stood there in complete awe.
i honestly felt like i was watching something that was
somewhere in between magic and holy.

the glow really got me.
the way it all just came together.
it was awesome.
and something i definitely want to be part of.
i'm pretty sure welding is in my future.

this morning i wrote an email to a friend about some
stuff goin' on inside of me. at first i said i was
'learning' things...then realized that what was prolly
really going on was that things were shifting deeper
inside of me.

and as i wrote of the different shifts, i realized it covered
god, work, living, and love.
hmmmm....that's a pretty big swoop of stuff.
and what is amazing me is how these shifts are kinda
all workin' together. overlapping and melting together.

i thought of that glow last nite in the shed.
and that melding that sorta happened right before your
eyes but at the same time didn't. it was just there when
you were done. i thought of how it felt in between magic
and holy. and i thought of how this shifting goin' on
inside me feels that way too. feels way similar to what
i watched last nite in the shed.

i walked and looked at the trees.
their arms are bare now. the leaves are gone.
when did that happen? i've been watchin' and watchin'.
and yet never really saw it happen.

i looked at the tones of color in the sky and how they
matched the tones of color in the trees. it was so
beautiful i wanted to cry.

i thought of that idea....'in between magic and holy.'

man, that's all around, isn't it??

and you don't even need special goggles to watch.

how cool is that?!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

an odd start...

i only had a few minutes.
in between things.
i scooted to the store real fast to get the goodies
for pay it forward day (see post below)

i was totally excited and tickled and got the goods
and went up to the cashier.
between being excited, tickled and rushed, i was
in a pretty good mood.
one person in front of me.
i just stood there smilin' at them.
when it was my turn, i plopped my stuff down
and said a real friendly hello.

it was all candy and cookies.
the cashier commented.
i laughed and told her about pay it forward day
and how i was all excited about it.

she said 'no wonder you're so.......'
and she stopped.

could she read my mind???

cause my mind was thinking 'if you say bubbly,
i'll have to pummel you.'

i'm laughing as i type this.
cause i so so so hate that.

i wanted to shout out 'I'M LIKE THIS A LOT PEOPLE!

there musta been some psychic understanding as she
never finished the sentence and we went on to discussing
the idea and the day. and how the world needed lots
of days like that.

as i walked to my car, i laughed to myself.
ter, thinking you're gonna pummel anyone who calls you bubbly
prolly really isn't a good start to the day.... did make me laugh.

a good kinda day...

someone over on face book started 'pay it forward day'
which is today!

i'm thinking everyone knows the pay it forward concept?
but last nite, talking to the cashier at the grocery store,
she didn't. so just in case someone else doesn't know...
it's when you do something nice for someone and ask them
to do something nice for someone else -
to pay that forward (instead of paying you back...)

i got so excited when i found out that this was gonna be
happening that i ran out to the grocery store and bought
goodies to leave on my neighbor's porches. i laughed at
myself standing in the candy section. 'is food always your
first idea of goodies??' i asked myself. yep! absolutely!

i made little tags and taped them on each one explaining
what the heck this was for...and to pay it forward...

in the dark, pouring rain this morning, i grabbed my goodies
and went out to deliver! it was 5:45 and i had already missed
TWO neighbors. was gonna slip something under their windshield
wipers. oh well....i went for their front door. two other neighbors
had their cars runnin' already! my gosh! tough to beat this crowd.

scootin' back to my yard and slippin' behind a tree in stealth mode,
i waited for one neighbor to go in. then i scooted up to their porch
and made my delivery! i was creeping and grinnin' and lovin' it.

i popped in the house for more and noah was standing there. smilin'
at me he said he'd join me. so there we were out in the windy
pouring rain...and i was beaming and saying 'this is perfect! just
perfect!' as the rain whooshed in our faces. 'take your hood off,
noah, you gotta feel this!' amazingly, he agreed.

we made a few more deliveries...and then walked around the block for
one last stop. i had walked by this man yesterday morning. he grabbed
his paper and waved. a perfectly normal thing to do. but it caught
my attention as i think he usually would have stopped and waited for
me to catch up and say hello. as that thought occurred to me, i noticed
his christmas lights. he only had a few out. he usually does his whole

hmmmm........i wondered about him as i walked yesterday. i hope he's

and last nite in the grocery store as i was pickin' out goodies, i thought
of him. oh! gotta get the nice man who might be sad something...

he was our last delivery...

insisting that we keep goin' around the block so we don't get caught,
and giggling like a mad fool, i leaned on noah's arm and we went up
to the busy road.

waiting for a break in cars, we ran as far as we could. then scooted
off the edge as a car came by. then we ran again. turning the corner,
i plopped my foot into a puddle of water that went up to almost my knee.
i laughed and laughed.

'didn't you know that was there??' noah asked in amazement.
'don't you drive around that all the time in the car??'

i laughed and laughed and said 'oh, yeah.'
ah, what can i say???

'ah, it just adds to it all.' noah laughed.
and i had to agree. i liked his way of thinking.

slippin' inside completely dripping i turned to noah with the biggest
smile on my face. he was standing there dripping and grinning.

little did he know that waiting for him, up on his keyboard was
his own goodie.

i rubbed my hands together.
the perfect start to a pay it forward day!