Friday, June 28, 2013

not so different....

in blogging about bob and i yesterday, i made a comment over on facebook.

i said no dating site would have ever matched us up!
and that is so true...
our match would have blown the circuits.

which got me thinking.
about our differences.
and the differences among us all.

probably one of the most profound things he ever said to me was
when i was really struggling with some of those differences.

i don't think i'll ever forget the moment.
where we were.
what was going on.
where we were sitting.
how i was feeling.

and he looked at me and said - 'terri, is it possible we're looking
for the same things, just in really different ways?'

i remember just stopping in my tracks and looking at him.

from what i knew about both of us, that made a whole lotta sense to me.

it's something i've never forgotten.

how often are we all looking for the same things in really different ways?

it's something i've taken into lots of different situations,
not just ones with him and i.

and it's one of the reasons i love him.
because he can actually see that and open to that.

in thinking about it yesterday, i got to thinking about what a big thing that is
to put out there. to remind us all that this happens way way way more than
we realize......and that keeping open in spite of the differences, matters so

it'd matter on a dating site for sure....
and i'm grinnin' on that one......
not sure they account for that kinda thing.
but it matters any time two people share thoughts.
even things like political statements on fb.
and in today's seemed like an important reminder.

we're not as different as we seem.
can we stay open to that?

Thursday, June 27, 2013

'the story of'

the idea came up last week to tell the story behind certain bone sighs.
so...when a bone sigh comes up as the quote of the day, if it has a story behind it i want to share,
i should go for it - kinda start a 'story of' thing....i can do it when the mood hits, and it could be fun.
that was the idea, anyway.

so i watched. and with each day, there really didn't seem to be a story to share.
until today's. i slapped my head when i saw this one.

"what is it you want?" he asked. and she stopped. she wasn't used to anyone asking her that. "you." she responded. and they were never the same again.

it's obvious, right? that one's about the moment.....THE moment that bob and i decided to
try out being a couple.

we have an absolutely great story of how we met and became best friends.

i had split from my husband, had to wait according to state laws for a divorce, had gone thru
all the tons of counseling, and had started bone sigh arts. there wasn't one part of me that was
looking for a man. i was completely done with them. is that when they show up??? cause they
started showing up. and i'd tell them to go away. i remember telling one guy 'you're a man,
i'm just not interested.' i honestly said that. he thought i was a lesbian. it was just too funny. a
relationship was the last thing i was looking for. i had to figure out how to rebuild my life.

i had left a book of bone sighs at my old counselor's office. back then they were hand made books.
pages sorted by me and stapled together and hand painted covers.- the early day stuff.
i didn't go to counseling anymore. was too busy trying to school my sons, start a business,
and cope with a whole lotta changes.

he had started bringing his sons to counseling. he had just gotten custody, it was a hard hard
time, his sons were reeling. doing everything he could to try to heal them all, he joined in on the
counseling journey. sitting in the lounge, he found my bone sigh book.

the counselor knew us both, and i'm pretty darn sure she figured there was no way ever that
we could be anything but friends as she knew how different we were, so it was safe - she sent
him my way. told him to go out and visit me.

it just so happened that at the same time he emailed me asking to come out to see the art,
a woman i didn't know emailed me the same thing. same day, same request. that never happened.
i mean, it just never happened. which convinced me these two were meant to be.

i was absolutely sure that i was the instrument that was to bring these two together. and i needed to
play. life was struggle after struggle. i so missed just goofin' around. so i jumped in and played.
did group emails between us all. told them what i thought....wanted them to meet. invited them
out at the same time. now, remember, i didn't know either one~! but i let lose and goofed and

he showed up. she was late. i gave him space to look at the art. i shake my head now remembering that.
he's just NOT a bone sigh kinda guy. i didn't know. we talked a bit on his way out. i remember
standing there looking up at him thinking he had way intense eyes.

turns out the woman i invited is always late for everything. and sure enough, as he was pulling out,
she was pulling in. she was quite disappointed. and i told her not to worry, we'd have him out
for a tea party. we'd get them to meet yet! and i laughed just thinking of it.

so for a few weeks until we could work out the time, we group emailed and got to know each
other a tiny bit.

the tea party day arrived, and there was just no spark between them. friendly and fine, but no
spark. he and i however talked quite easily. she even commented to me later that it seemed like
maybe there could be something between him and i.

i laughed, tossed my head back and said 'you've got to be kidding!!' i remember saying to
her 'he doesn't even get the universe deal!' i totally believed in 'the universe' and trusting it and
the flow......and that was not part of his vocabulary.

i thought he was some conservative hunter guy who didn't share any beliefs i did, and was basically from
another planet.

he felt pretty much the same way about me only throw in the words hippie vegetarian instead.

there was no interest on either end.
we couldn't have been more different.

i think she was looking for some family tho. for some friends to hang out with.
and so she'd instigate gatherings.
i think if left alone, he and i would have dropped it all.
but she kept suggesting get togethers.
she, as it turns out, was our angel.
her invites brought us together.
and so we became the three musketeers mixing kids and dogs and laughter.

she needed the friendship, he needed help parenting, and i needed encouragement
and belief that i could make it. we gave each other these things.

and because he and i were so different, i didn't think of him as a threat. i didn't think
of him as a man i needed to avoid. he was just a friend. we could totally be ourselves.

he and i spent hours talking about parenting and kids and divorce, we talked of broken
hearts and he joined in with me on what he called 'my quest' - to try to figure out what
love really was. we'd talk about love and psychology and people and needs and
we'd try to figure life out.

and he'd amaze me with his thoughts.
because we were so different, his thoughts would come from a completely different angle,
and they'd broaden me and stretch me and enlighten me. i never once felt like i had to
be anything to impress him, so i just hung out and would totally be me. a respect grew
between us. we just genuinely liked each other as people and we seemed to help each
other become more.

we became best friends.

and then, of course, the feelings started rolling in.
and that freaked me out.

and so i tried to get rid of him.
i tried to match him up with someone.

i described him so glowingly to one woman she asked me why i wasn't
pursuing him myself!

oh no. i said. oh no. not ready for a man.

and yet........i could feel the feelings inside.
but you know how good we can be at denial.
no. no. no.

there was almost a date with another woman.i had been the force behind that.
but for some reason that fell thru. i could feel the conflict inside of me.

he walked into the room, i could feel myself light up.

i wrestled and wrestled and wrestled. the week i remembering wrestling the most,
i pulled the angel card 'release' THREE times. three times in a week.
and finally, finally i found some peace inside and i released and let him go.

and THAT'S when the moment in the bone sigh appeared.
as SOON as i released and was ready to turn away,
where i REALLY felt okay about letting him go his way and me go mine,
he asked me flat out what it was i wanted.
he apparently had been wrestling too.

and no one.....NO one........had EVER asked me what i wanted before.

no one ever just gave me the space to say what it was i wanted.

and there, in that space, i couldn't do anything but be honest.

and i said 'you.'

it was a powerful moment for both of us.
one that's changed our lives for sure.

the timing for this bone sigh to come up today is perfect. he and i have been down
one heck of a road since that day. we have hurdled some really big things. the biggest
things i've ever had to go thru, i've gone thru with him.

our last two to three weeks have been some of the hardest we've experienced as
a couple. several times i've been unsure if we'd pull thru. and yet, we have. in a loving way
that seems impossible to me.

we are incredibly different on the surface. and yet underneath....well....underneath is
a completely different story. and something that amazes me more than anything? the
level of respect we have for each other has grown deeper over the years. i've experienced
the opposite of that before. which makes me realize what a treasure that is.

and today, if you sat me down and asked me what it was i wanted........
my answer would be the same.......only deeper.

oh...and just a little p.s. - when people ask how we met??? i say he walked into my living room...

he just never fails me....

if it weren't so peaceful and soothing,
it'd be too darn freaky weird.

i  haven't picked up my mark nepo book in weeks.
just days ago i had that shift i talked about here....
where i understood that each moment holds the yin and the yang.
(see a few posts below)

all was quiet in the i grabbed mark's book
(the exquisite risk) and what should i read???

'My friend Rob Lehman has wisely concluded that 'the heart's
experience of Wholeness is the radical awareness that each part
contains the Whole.'

something inside me melted when i read that.
that's dead on what i experienced -
radical awareness that each part contains the whole.

and part of me just melted....

the part of me that needed to connect so badly.

how peaceful and soothing to find a book that makes you feel less alone.
how peaceful and soothing to feel understood.

i sat there for a few minutes just holding that.

and then flipped back to something i had read a few minutes before that.
i read it again and just sat with it.

wanted to share with you -

'I used to think that the reward for knowing truth was wisdom, and in some
ways, it is. But more deeply, if we can enter truth, the reward is joy. Indeed,
joy lives inside the blues. and you have to sing them open so the joy can fly out.
This is why holding things in is so dangerous. We are human instruments and
experience plucks our strings and our feelings are the notes. If we don't sing
them open, they build up and batter the heart from the inside out - til we explode.
So it's never been about singing well, just singing. This is the difference between
entertainment and staying alive.'

while i value mark's wisdom beyond anything i could ever describe...
i think what i'm most grateful for is that his books always make me feel connected
just when i think nothing will.

had to share.....

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

trust in what?

i heard a friend tell another friend the other day to trust.

i sat there curious as to what she meant.
what exactly was she saying to trust in?

i love the word trust.
i use it all the time.
i remind myself over and over to trust.

but you know what?
i'm not sure how often i stop myself and ask myself just exactly WHAT is it i'm trusting.

and i'm thinking i absolutely should.
how can you trust if it's just some vague thought you've been telling yourself for years?
how can you really do it??

and it's changed for me over the years.

i used to be a believe in 'everything happens for a reason.'
well that totally puts a particular spin on trust.
and one you can work with.
but my beliefs have changed....and i don't believe in that theory anymore.
so my trust must change, right?

so what's it change to?
trust in what?

that everything will work out okay?

well......that kinda depends on what you mean by 'okay', doesn't it?

no. i don't really go along with that either.
i mean....unless 'okay' includes really tragic endings.

there's a whole list of things that come to mind to trust in.
and a whole list of things i used to trust.
but i don't so much anymore.

so where does that leave me?

i think it still leaves me okay.
maybe better than okay.
cause if you're gonna trust......REALLY REALLY trust....
then you gotta really believe in whatever that is that you've chosen to trust.

as we change and grow, so do our beliefs and things we can really hold on to.

i've had my moments where i wasn't sure if there was anything i could believe in.
but i've always found things.

my heart.
a flow in the universe.
love that is bigger than anything we can imagine.

and maybe of all things -
the fact that i don't understand much of anything.

kinda funny that total confusion and lack of understanding is something i can trust
and hold on to.

cause i do believe that when it's really overwhelming and scary,
trusting that i don't understand it all is a good thing.

i think from here on in, when i tell myself to trust,
i'm gonna follow it with 'trust in what?'
to make sure i know what the heck i'm putting my trust in.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


my good friend, kristen, shared this link with me....and we knew it had
to go in the blog!

talk about some pretty smart advertising....they've got me spreading it here!

check out dove's beauty sketches....

and think about what your own sketch would be like........
had to share!

thanks, kristen!

Monday, June 24, 2013

a weekend to remember

i experienced what i think may be one of the most significant moments of my
life this weekend. how i wish i can convey even a fraction of what i felt.

i have been involved in a deep inner struggle for some time now.
you will hear it leak out of me with statements like 'i don't know how to
live on this planet.' or 'i don't know how to live open hearted with two
feet in and accept the heartbreak of the world.' or 'i cannot find a safe
place to just be.'

i have never once said these things, or things like these, lightly.
even if i laugh, or just shake my head, my heart has been heavy.

it has been a struggle that has touched every part of my life.
it has felt like a big piece of me has left my body.
i've noticed, i've been concerned, and i've been at a loss of what to do.

so i watch, i think, i wonder, i ask, and i flounder.

and then....without having any idea what was happening,
i wandered into something that i believe has truly brought me back to living.

something i could have told you from my head, but my bones had long since forgotten.
and if my bones don't know it, my heart can't hold it, no matter what my head is saying.

for the last two weeks or more, my partner and i have been involved in the hardest
time we've ever experienced as a couple. i started out describing it as 'bizarre' or
'just crazy' and then it went to words like 'hard' and 'rough' to finally 'walking thru hell and back.'
we both agree it has had a touch of the twilight zone, it's hurt terribly, and we both
never want to experience this again.

i honestly believe the only reason we are still together is because of all the hard work
we've done over the years as a couple. it took every bit of strength we each had to make
it thru this one along with everything we've learned. more than once i wasn't sure we'd do it.

we're not done with the pain yet. but i believe we're thru most of it.
and i believe it was in this awful place that i crawled into an answer i had been searching for.
i just crawled in and felt it. i stopped while it surrounded me and i was stunned with
what i had found.

there was pain.
deep deep hurt, pain that isolated, pain that filled you.
stuff you wondered if it'd ever go away. stuff that wouldn't seem to stop.
try as we might, stuff that compounded and got more complicated.

deep pain.

that was there.

it was completely there.

and then.........something that seemed quite impossible.....

there was love.

love beyond anything i could ever imagine.

love that you couldn't mistake.
love that surrounded every piece of you, love that was so strong it pulsated in the air.

it was there.

they were both there.

they were both as present as present could be.

one didn't make the other go away.
they were both there.

'how can this love be here?'  i asked.
how can this incredibly deep love possibly be here in the middle of all this pain?

i have no idea.
all i know is - it was there.

they were both there.

you could stop at any point and feel either one you chose to feel.

you could compare the feelings.
the depth of the pain and how it tightened you, made you less, confined you.
stifled you, ripped at your insides and hurt, made little things matter,
brought the tears of wanting it to stop to your eyes.

then there was the love. the depth of the love that somehow opened you so
that you weren't even there anymore, there was something else there or it was all
there - how it made you more, opened you, expanded everything inside of you
and made nothing matter other than the pulsing you could feel everywhere.

they were both there.

the yin and the yang.

always there.
always present.

nothing new, terri.
nothing new at all.

except for the experience -
the actual experience of my bones being able to get it -
where i could touch either one right then and know what i was doing.
i could play with the energies and see that they were always there.


i could understand that that was living.

it wasn't til hours later i put together what this did for me.
i was too exhausted to understand that this is what i've been looking for.

of how to live here.

this knowing.
that each moment is always everything.
that everything is contained in each moment.

i'm not even sure i can fully wrap my head around this.

the thing is....i touched it.
long enough for me to remember it.

of course i'll forget.
but i did touch it.
and part of me knows this is what i've been looking for.

and part of me has come back to life.

Friday, June 21, 2013

the stress releasing chair.....

we all trooped up to see my mom yesterday.
we took two vehicles as the guys were going to pick up a patio table
from her and needed to take their truck. noah and josh rode in the truck,
zakk and i followed them as you never quite know if the truck will make it or not -
and there isn't room for all of us in the truck.

it turned out to be such fun travelin' up.
the day was incredibly beautiful, we had the music blarin' and we were just enjoyin'
the drive. i like hangin' with zakk. we got in a little business meeting as we went along,
which is always a bonus. but even that was easy going and inspiring.

by the time we arrived, i had left a lotta stress behind me and was laughin' and enjoyin'.

it was like christmas up at my mom's. she had things for everyone, and was beyond generous.
just the table itself was a huge gift to the guys....but there were the chairs that went with it,
the cushions, and well.......just tons for everyone.

she is a super generous person, and we were feeling it big time.
the guys put her new table and chairs together, set them up, and we all sat around on'
her beautiful patio and had pizza together. josh kept us all laughing.

a nice outing indeed.

when we walked into the house (after the grand unloading) we all went straight to work.
it's kinda nice living with a buncha people who have the same deal....we all knew that a
morning off meant time to dig in extra hard. and so we did.

but after a few hours, i needed some time to sit and think.
and it was a beautiful evening. i went outside to the guys' new table.
sitting on these big ol' cushioned chairs with my feet on the table, i just sat back and
tried to hold life. (i think these were the most comfortable outside chairs i've ever sat in!)

visiting where you grew up is always good food for thought about how time flies, how
many different lives happen inside one life, where we go, where we've been, what we've learned,
who we are.

if i could name one thing i'm wrestling with right now, i would say it's that i'm too hard on
myself. it's not really clear to me how i do's not specifically things i say to myself,
or things i do to myself....but i think it is prolly mostly in things i feel about myself. beliefs
i hold about myself.

as i sat on that glorious chair with my feet up on that glorious table, i remembered the girl
growing up in that house i was in that day. i remembered all the things that had passed,
all the life i had lived....and i pictured myself as i went thru it all......

and gradually i released.
i just sat with it all.
just watching. not judging.
just watching.
and before too long i could feel the gratitude.
just the gratitude for being here and for where i had been.
i could feel the stress slowly leaving....closing my eyes, i just let the stress slip on out.

i'm here.
on a gorgeously soft chair.

and that is enough.
i stayed in that chair for a good long time.

my goal for today is to remember that.

i am enough..
today is enough.

and if i find myself forgetting, i may just have to go sit on one of those chairs again....

Thursday, June 20, 2013

sinking my teeth in.....go figure......

yesterday i wrote about my teeth stuff....but it wasn't about my teeth stuff....
it was about taking care of what i needed to take care of and having a good attitude.
i was so proud of myself and felt so good.

well go ahead and scratch all that.

flip it all over, picture it all coming apart, and then me dealing with it in the
most mature way possible........i cried.

i just cried.

it's just all the stuff you'd expect, things unraveling, insurance sucking and all
that stuff we all deal with all the time.

but there i was, landing hard from feelin' nice and high.

flat on my back.

and i cried.

and for a little bit there, i just kept leaking.
it was right before lunch and as i sat with the guys
they mentioned some sad world news, and i cried.

they all looked at each other.


which made me laugh.
and cry.

finishing lunch, i knew there was only one thing to do -
i went out and mowed part of the lawn.
i mowed and sweated and thought.
i sweated and mowed and thought some more.

i did a lotta thinking.

some of which included the darn - 'well, the whole point of the thing was about
your attitude terri...what's your attitude here???'

sometimes i get tired of that part of me.

but it does help.
cause i started thinking thru a lot of stuff.
which included my attitude.

and i started looking at the strings attached to my attitude,
and to this particular happening.

i saw so many strings.
so many strings.

and............i saw how my biggest problems really are about me.
how my doubts about myself really really are my biggest demons.
and how i still had the opportunity to take care of myself.
maybe in a less straightforward way, maybe i'd have to zig zag a little......
but still....i could and would do what i had to.

and what would my attitude be?

it really kinda depends on how i view myself, doesn't it?

and right there is something i want to sink my teeth into.
now how's THAT for a pun???

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

angles and crowns

there really is  a point to this story.
i'm not just tellin' an 'i went to the dentist' story!
i promise!

i hadn't been in years.
i used to go faithfully every six months.
then i lost insurance when i got divorced.
i paid outta pocket for a cleaning every year for a couple years.
but at some point money got tight, i skipped a few years,
and the next thing i knew the dentist didn't have the xrays anymore
and it'd cost way too much for me to get back into the groove with them.

so i stopped.
and tried real hard to keep my teeth in good shape.

things moved on, i got a new insurance rep, he found me cheap dental insurance,
i hurt a tooth and i was pretty sure it was time to try out the insurance and a new dentist.

so when i made the appointment, i was pretty nervous. i figured i had some
dental work comin' my way. and all the worst case scenarios ran thru my head.

and yes...turns out i didn't just hurt that tooth, i broke it.
and yes, there's a crown involved. and a few other things of course....


but here's the thing......i was envisioning a root canal!
i don't even know what that really is, but i can tell ya i don't want one.
so while i hated the word 'crown' i was so relieved it wasn't a root canal.

i am not kidding.
that whole phrase freaks me out.

and while the bill is high, the insurance is gonna help. it's gonna help!
i wouldn't have had any help last year! and i get help this year!

and they've got some payment thing set up for me to work with me to make
paying easier.

so driving home i just felt so good.

how can you feel this good, terri??? i asked myself.

i knew all the downsides. i knew the expense.
i knew the fee that's like a kick in the face.
i knew all that.
any other fee like this woulda sent me over the edge.

but i felt like it'd work out.
i felt like i'd handle it.

THAT'S why i'm writing this story out.
it is completely a head trip.
it is completely an attitude thing.

and no, i don't get any credit for having a good attitude.
it just happened. i didn't try to make it happen.
but i really do have a good attitude.

i feel so good about doing what i need to do to take care of myself.
and i feel so good about workin' it out so i can actually pull it off.
and i feel so relieved that it's not any worse than it is.

and i'm looking at this thinking.......okay, need to look at a lotta other
things in your life like this. cause this is really much more fun this way.

it's completely completely a head game.
and yes, i gotta stop and ask 'isn't everything???'

yes! yes! yes! i do believe it is!

and i somehow feel really inspired about this.
and wanna play some awesome good head games with myself where the attitude
isn't quite as good.

i'm not sure i can just make that happen......i know that.
i've tried before. i know how hard it can be...
but still.......i feel really inspired........

it's all in the angle, isn't it?
it's all in the belief of doin' what i'm doin' cause it's a good thing,
and knowing i'll be able to pull it off.

not such an easy angle to get sometimes.
and yet.........something i totally want to shoot for.......

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

appreciating josh

i read a friend's blog where she mentioned josh.
leaving a comment there got me thinking about him.
and i really really appreciated him and who he was.

i usually see him at lunch time as he's breezing thru from
one thing to another. sometimes it's only 20 minutes, just long
enough for him to grab some food and rapidly catch up.
he truly is one of the busiest guys i know - shooting off in
a thousand different directions.

i wasn't sure if i'd see him or not yesterday as he had a nursing home gig
down near where he works and he wasn't sure if he'd back track over
here for lunch.

he wanted to, he said.
and i smiled.
i think maybe to check on me.
we didn't see each other in person on father's day,
and he knows i get a little sad on that day,
so i'm thinking he wanted to just check in.
cause that's what kinda heart he's got.
'go do your thing.' i told him.

he called later, he wouldn't be able to make it.
he ended up sitting with one of the residents at the nursing home
and having lunch with her.

i just leaned back and closed my eyes as i listened to him.
he had no idea i was really taken with his heart already.
he was just filling me in...not knowing i was soaking him in.

he said she had asked him other times 'will you sit with us for lunch?'
and he said he always had to get goin' on to other things.
when he got there today - he does a musical dj hour for them a few times a month -
she wasn't there.
and apparently, she's always there early.
he didn't see her and worried.
he started in on the show, but wondered if she was okay.
half way thru the gig, she showed up.

he told me this over the phone and when he said 'i was really worried something
bad happened to her.' i just loved him so much.

so, this time, he grabbed the opportunity to sit with her during her lunch.
he didn't eat, he just hung out and talked with her.

when he called me, he was headin' into the grocery store to grab something to eat.

he has a lot of pressure on him.
he runs his own business, owns his own home, and bills can be tight.
he really works hard to pull it all off. i know the deal. and you know when
you're not working. it's never lost on you that you're not doin' something
you need to be doing for the business. you're never just 'off' taking a break.
you're always aware of that.

he said on the phone 'i didn't get a lot done, but i know that's okay. this was important.'

kinda like he was reassuring himself.

'you got a lot done' i told him.
and i thought of how beautiful he is and he doesn't even know it.

how he knows what's important and he stops and makes space for that whenever he can.
and yes, i've seen him do that at the expense of his finances. and how he lets people
know they matter and they count.

when i commented in mary's blog, i said something about him having this wide open heart,
it's really interesting for me to watch as there's many sides to that heart of his.
and not all of them are wide open.  and yet, i think the one that's the most natural for him,
is the wide open side.

the world can just kick up those barriers tho....we've all got 'em.
but then, in a heartbeat, i see him drop them and let people in and care about them
and show them they matter.

i could just see him sitting there asking her questions about herself and really listening.

one of the residents there gave josh some of his old vinyl records. josh used them for
the first time in the gig he did for them yesterday and made sure everyone knew where
they came from. he told me on the phone that he wants to invite this guy to help him
host one of the dj shows with him. apparently the man used to do some dj stuff himself
back in the day.

i can just imagine how that would feel for him.
and while josh knows it's a good idea, he's still young, i'm not sure he knows how good
an idea. i'm not sure he really knows what he's doin' for the world.

and maybe that's really cool just the way it is.

i've been thinking how it's so easy to take our family members for granted.
how we're just used to the way they are. i really sat and looked at josh yesterday.
and the feeling i got ran into today........

he's my inspiration today. he truly is. and i wanted to share that here.

Monday, June 17, 2013

my tree frog

WHAT a weekend.

i gardened.
i did art.
i emoted.
i gave.
i shared.
i ate.
i watched a movie.
i reached beyond my fear.
i cried.
i napped.
i trusted.
i didn't trust.
i did more art.
i listened to music.
i ate.
i walked.
i thought of my dad.
i thought of my ex.
i remembered good things.
i helped.
i didn't help.
i took what i needed.
i ate.
i slept.
i listened to my insides.
i laughed.
i tried.
i failed.
i tried again.
i failed again.
i didn't get down on myself.
i did more art.
i rested.
i read.
i just let myself be.

there's no way i can even describe all the places i went to inside me this weekend.
my gosh did i need it.

and when i sat back and tried to think of one of the best moments, i smiled.

it was standing in my kitchen, at nite, when it was dark outside listening to the tree frog sing to me.

and then again, slippin' into bed and hearin' him from my bedroom window.

the tree frog.
my tree frog.

i don't know, but i've never loved him like i have this summer.
sometimes i feel like he just knows what i'm feeling and sings to me,
sings to my depths.
and when i hear him, i just stop and open to his song.

Friday, June 14, 2013

a small, powerful act....

okay...i baked a cake two nites in a row.
count 'em.

and one of 'em was from scratch.
scratch i say, scratch.
does carrot cake count tho?
that's what it is....and i'm not sure that's that hard.
first one i ever made tho.
so it counts.

and please understand that i'm not eating either one of these.

so as i baked cakes and cooked dinner two nites in a row,
i laughed at myself. how weird are you, terri? you're not even
eating these! i did eat the dinners tho!

there really is some kinda therapy for me to be in the kitchen.
how terribly odd.

i'm pretty sure it brings me back to steadier days.
days when the kids were little, paychecks came in regularly,
and meals were on the table at certain times.

so i made a mess, felt some sort of sense of security
and made plans for a sabbatical i'm taking.
a weekend sabbatical.

just some time off to do some healing things.
art, reading, gardening.
those are the top three things on my list.
now honestly, how awesome is that?!

i'm claiming the time -
a time for getting grounded.
a time for talking with the trees.
a time for taking care of me.

and what's really amazing to me is that i can feel my insides just
so grateful i'm doing this. just so knowing i need this.

it makes me wonder....
i know the time will be wonderful for me.
but i'm thinking just the act of doing it....of setting the time aside
knowing i need it.......just that in itself is healing.

the act of listening to what it is we need.
doesn't seem that big an act......
and yet......
it does.
it so so does.

Thursday, June 13, 2013


the coolest thing happened!

it's been a stressful week.
got some personal stuff goin' on that's been causing just about
every kinda emotional response there is. you name a feeling,
and chances are i felt it this week.

i'm not kidding when i say i'm an emoter.
my goodness.

well a lotta the agitated feelings were bubbling up inside me
like crazy. i got on the treadmill and moved along like
nobody's business. wow. i've walked when i was stressed
before and this really ranked right up there in energy release.
definitely stress fueled.

i got off and was still a mess inside.
i headed for the shower.
a nice cool shower.

and then something happened.
my head was under the water...
this cool water was just pouring over me
when it felt like something burst.
not just in me....but almost like all out of me.
almost like a burst of energy just whooshed right out
all over me. out of my arms, legs, chest, everywhere......

and it felt like the hugest release ever.

i kinda just stood there under the water
thinking 'wow....that was awesome'.......
i didn't want to move outta the water.
and then standing there exactly the same in
the water, i tried to tune in to what it was about.

and i got this strong strong message to just be love.
but here's the coolest thing.......

i mean, i think when we want to 'be love' it's gotta start with
loving ourselves. i know that. but i get caught up in the things
like 'well the loving thing to do for this person would be this....'
the whole taking care of everyone else thing. trying to fix things.
trying to make things better.

but that's not what i got.
there was a definite feeling of release and then...
i just have to take care of you.
you don't have to do anything else right now.
go have some juice, go enjoy your day. just be love towards yourself.

just take care of you.

i'm just about crying as i type it out.
it makes me think of the bone sigh that keeps coming up for me this week -

she had worked so hard
on seeing her heart -
now she realized she had to do more
than just see it -
she had to hold it when no one else would,
she had to believe in it when others doubted it,
she had to love it more than anyone else could -
because only then would she be able to open it
and offer it for Real.

just a thought....

i was sitting at my kitchen table with my lap top.
glancing out the window, i saw one of my sons walking across the yard.
just his legs. the rest of him was hidden by trees.
but i could see his calves and his feet scooting across the yard.

i couldn't believe it.
he STILL walks like an elf, i thought!
when he was little he looked like a little elf. a sweet little elf.
and one of my favorite things ever was to sit outside and watch him run around the yard.
i don't think i'll ever forget the joy of that.

how does one have an elf run?
i have no idea.
but he did.

and there it elf walk.
i was so taken with this, i walked out to tell him.
he grinned.

i've been thinking about our child selves lately.
i don't really mean our inner child.
i just mean the children we used to be and how those traits aren't all gone.
sometimes you can so see them come out.
we're still the same.

sometimes when i look back at my younger self, i'm amazed at how much of those
traits i still have. and it's funny, as i mowed the lawn earlier i wondered how on earth
i had changed so much.

it's one of those yin yang things!
i'm exactly the same/i'm completely different.

i think i really kinda like that.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

a start

it was one of those days where almost every conversation i was in
seemed to involve big life things for the people i was talking with.

there wasn't a trivial thing to be found.

and in one of those conversations, a friend said she was grieving
for the loss of the way she thought stuff in her life would turn out.

i thought of all the different conversations i had been part of,
i thought of my own thoughts, my own struggles....if asked, i'm sure
all of us would have nodded and understood just exactly what she meant.

and this whole topic keeps rollin' around in my head in one way or
another for me.

i feel like i've landed in another part of my journey.
so many years ago i had worked so hard on seeing me -
really trying to see me clearly.
gosh, i don't know how far i got....and i know i have a long way to go yet...
but that feeling i had in the beginning....that just knowing that there was so
much it was time to open my eyes to and see....that feeling is back just as strong
only this time it's about seeing life. really seeing life and seeing it for what it is,
not for what i had thought it would be. not for what i assume it should be.

the feeling's there.
the ability to do it is not.
all i know to do at this point is to sit back and watch as much as i can.

and this....this seems vital.....and my gosh......sooooo hard -
to stop assuming.
you can't see if you're busy assuming, can you?
that's not just assuming about people.
it's assuming about life.

life continues to surprise me over and over and over again.
and any time i think i have something down,
i get surprised again.
sometimes pleasantly, sometimes not.

this is big on my mind as i look out at the world these days.
and the feeling is so strong -
i want to see life for what it is.
not for what i want it to be.

and then i want to do more than see.
i want to accept.
and i want to roll right along with it.

yeah. well. i have a ways to go.
at least it's way on my mind.
that's a start.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

sharin' the moon

oh you guys.... i know far too many of you that would love this card!
it's done by an artist i know from the internet.
i love love love her work. so while you're over there, check out
everything she does.......but i figure this one image will get your

you can click here to see!

our weekly mark tidbit

i think we need a little dose of mark nepo at least once a week, don't you?

here we go...from the exquisite risk -

'Like some form of spiritual erosion, we start out wanting to hear
the truth and falling in, we sometimes speak the truth and, if we
suffer enough and are true enough, we become the truth. We start
out wanting to know that love is possible and falling in, we chance our
way as lovers and, if we suffer enough and are loving enough, we become
the love. We start out wanting to hear the song and falling in, we sometimes
feel compelled to sing and, if we suffer enough and are loving enough and
true enough, oh yes, we then become the song.'

i kinda needed that this morning.
thought i'd share......

Monday, June 10, 2013

the world of opposites

i got on the treadmill this morning with stuff i knew i needed to look at.
i had put it off a little while and figured it was time to go eyeball it.
in the process, there were something like fifty million thoughts floating
around me, thru me, in me.

sometimes when there's so many of them, it's hard to grab any kinda order or theme.
it took me awhile - but i realized something that was flowing thru it all was
something i had included in a bone sigh i had written recently.

i had written out how it was i wanted to live
and one of the lines says - 'to learn to allow without giving up.'

for me, that's one heck of a line.

years ago, when i wrote this line - 'strength lies in the opening of the heart.'
i knew that was one of those lines you could go right by and never even
stop to think about. and i also knew it was one of the hardest things ever
to try to do, and if you stopped and held it and decided you wanted it,
it'd change you.

i feel the very same way about this line i just wrote.

to learn to allow without giving up.

that thought along with the idea of trying to hold the yin yang of living were
what surfaced from all the millions of thoughts i was having.

the yin yang of living........i don't know if it's obvious what i mean or if you
need to be in my head to understand.
it's where the opposites exist all at once all the time.
something like - life is short/life is long.
you're completely alone and on your own/you're connected to the all, part of the all.
that kinda thing.

maybe understanding the yin yang in things helps you to allow without giving up.
i'm thinking they might totally go together. i'm thinking this is a huge huge thought.
and i'm thinking my guy tried to explain this to me the other day. he knew.
i do believe it's just sinking in for me.

there are a million things runnin' thru my head right now.
and i'm thinking it all may just boil down to seeing....and understanding that
the yin/yang runs thru all life........

if i can really see it, know it, understand it......
i can release the tight grip i sometimes have on trying to make life fit
the way i think it 'should.'
and maybe then i can begin to allow.

i love this idea.
i hate this idea.

life is hard.
life is easy.


Friday, June 7, 2013

a couple of ponderings

i can go all over the place with the stuff in my life.
be strong, steady and confident - or flip into self doubt, lost, and scared.
oh yeah.

that's me and my life.
it can be any topic.
doesn't really matter.
i'll flip around over and over.

this time in some of my flipping, i pondered a few things.

here's the top two ponderings that caught my attention.

because the habit book is fresh in my mind,
the whole concept of habits are rollin around inside of me.
the author had mentioned that even our emotions can be habits.
i haven't gotten far enough into the book yet to understand anything
about that....but the idea has me intrigued.

so when i was in the shower feeling scared about some stuff
i wondered - is that a habit? is that just what i do?

i mean, let's face it.....whatever's goin' on is goin' on no matter what
my attitude is. my fear isn't gonna change it.
well, it'll make it feel worse. so why not go with something else?
is it just a habit to feel fear?
what does that even mean?
does that mean there's a certain loop i do and if i become aware of
it i can change the response?
and if i can, do i want to?
do i like reacting with fear?
why do i choose fear?

don't have any answers for ya.

just ponderings.

the next ponder i had came to me as i was having a drink of water at
my kitchen sink looking out at my back yard.

i love my back yard.
i love being out in it. i love looking at it.
i love walking across it thinking 'this is my back yard.'

as i sipped and looked i thought - 'if someone had told you that this
is where you'd be after ten years, would you still have chosen the things
you've chosen?'

there wasn't a moment of hesitation.
not even a tiny tiny moment.
there wasn't a smidgen of doubt in me.

i smiled.
just knowing that did something for me.
i've been holding on to it since.
and smiling about it.
how come?
maybe cause it was a way for me to see that i really was okay.

figured i'd throw my ponderings out for anyone else who wanted to ponder with me.
i think there's something about just stepping back and looking at the challenges from
a distance that really helps. i feel infinitely better already.

Thursday, June 6, 2013


a p.s. on the sue post below.
she just posted this on facebook and i had to share.......

Love, love, more love, light, stars, a little more love, good energy, overflowing waves of gratitude and a side order of love & EACH of you!!! Thanks for giving me my miracle, star-senders!!! The best moment HAD to be when one of my (favorite) Drs., Dr. Hinrichs (The one out of the 8 or 9 of them who was the person that actually designed this clinical trial at N.I.H.) used the words "miracle results"!!!! He said "your results are a miracle....we've never seen someone's tumors disappear this fast...just 2 months later and they are no longer visible on your scans...and some of them were quite's really a miracle.". I responded with: "I like when my doc uses the word 'MIRACLE'!!...say it again, Dr. H!...nah....wait....first I'm gonna hug ya!!!" He and I hugged it out.....then he hugged my mom...I even made little Dr. Butler (who IS NOT a hugger!) hug me, since she was there in the room too and needed to be part of the Hug-Fest!!! Hahaaa. Man, it felt so great....amazing. And I immediately thought of all of you. The people who helped me get here. Who hoped alongside me. Who carried the weight of such hard, heavy days with me. Who sent light to guide me, when my path was through darkened wilderness. Who prayed for my mental, physical, spiritual healing. Who held me in their hearts and let me see theirs. 


this is incredible.

a friend shared this on my fb page.
if we're not connected over there, and you'd like to be,
come on over! i have the personal page that's just me goofin' around
and then there's the bone sigh arts page that has the bone sigh stuff there
and a really nice community. you're welcome both places!

this was just too darn good not to pass around........
some spoken word for you with someone who struggles with depression.

check it out here.


for those of you over here who aren't connected with me on fb,
i wanted to share with you a comment that my buddy, sue, left over there.

and i wanted to thank all of you who joined in with the star sending to sue!
i vote we don't stop. and i vote we all hold this close and remember this
when we need to believe in magic! it's incredible.......

from sue -

The star sendin' y'all did WORKED!!! Tumors were all over just 3 months ago and now---they've shrunken to where they're undetectable! Wow! The power of the stars inside us. And the power of love to heal us all. Thank you! My love to each and all. Here's hoping the treatment continues to work, but even if it doesn't, I have had a blessed and joy-filled life....thanks to each of you.

a good tidbit!

i've been meaning to post this for a bit now.
ever since i mentioned spaces some posts below.
because, sure enough, as i was contemplating spaces,
mister nepo offered something perfect for me to read -
and what's amazing to me is he combined telling our stories
into the whole darn thing as if somehow he knows just what's on my

he took three really cool quotes and tied them together -

'First, Ceazanne, who said, 'I leave spaces because I'm not certain.'
For if there are not spaces, there is nowhere to drop through into the
unity that holds us. Second, Gandhi, when he said, 'If you don't tell
your story, you betray it.' For telling our story is the surest way to pry
the world and its maps open. And third, Robert Frost, who mused,
'We dance around in a circle and suppose, while the secret sits in
the middle and knows.' For only be leaving spaces and telling our story,
over and again, can we find each other in the circle we are born into.'

- mark nepo, the exquisite risk

he certainly touched on things goin' on in my head.....
had to share.....

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

an interesting combo

themes are running together again inside me,
and i'm noticing.

the habit stuff that i mentioned yesterday?
there's more to it.
and one of the things is it seems to be that for it to work,
there needs to be some sort of belief beyond yourself.

cool, huh?

the easy obvious example is the alcoholic.
and that's what's used in the book.
what makes one person fall off the wagon and another not?
say you're sober......then you get hit with some really big bad news?
what keeps you from fallin' back into the old habits?
according to this book it's  belief in a higher power.........
or........belief it'll get better.......
or belief you can get thru it....
that kinda thing.

they say it's a belief outside yourself.
altho, i'm a little fuzzy on the believing you'll get thru it thing.
that seems like that'd be belief in yourself.

not sure........and somewhere along in here when i try to think about it all,
it gets fuzzier for me - what's beyond you, what's you, and sometimes are they
the same thing?

but i think that's okay cause i think belief is just a fuzzy topic by nature.

i found myself thinking about someone who has lived a certain life around
her beliefs.

haven't we all?

she's just an extreme example as her religion is extreme.
extreme examples help me look at things.

and i wondered about her. did she really believe those things still,
or had what she been thru lately changed it for her?
was she holding on to things not so much because she believed in them,
but because they somehow seemed to keep her life together?

and how odd would that be because from where i sat and watched,
her life wasn't anything i'd want. her well being seemed to be last on
the list of things that mattered. self worth didn't seem to be part of it.

what we cling to, what we need, what we believe, what we don't believe...
it's all swirling inside of me. and the same time....swirling
right along with it are thoughts about self love/self worth being so important
and touching everything - absolutely including our beliefs. that is so clear
to me right now it's shouting at me.

i didn't pick these two topics and put them together on purpose.
i'm not sure what to do with them.
they kinda just fell together inside me.
kinda like that ol' reeses peanut butter cup commerical -
you put peanut butter in my chocolate.
you put self worth in my belief.......
and interesting.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

workin' on the habits...

i started reading about habits.
and i gotta say, i'm really really excited about the idea of looking at my habits
and working with them.

i have also just barely begun a book about becoming aware of what we say
to ourselves - being aware of our negative self talk.

what an interesting thing to have the two come into my life at the same time!

i realized recently in a way that felt a little deeper, that i can be pretty darn hard
on myself. and would like to see if i can soften that up. it's not so much calling
myself names or saying really rotten things to myself......but more not seeing
myself.......not being gentle with myself.

so there i am, reading about habits and trying to figure out how to work with
my eating habits. in trying to figure that out, i figure i can work on being kinder
to myself at the same time! pretty darn cool!

so it goes something like this -

habits all start with a cue that sets it off, then there's the response, then the reward.
so you gotta figure out what the cue is.

so, i eat too much.
what's the cue of why i eat and when i eat?

i think a lot of my eating is when i'm 'off' in some way.
off balance -
and in my life, my goodness, that can happen about ninety thousand times a day.
and then i think i go looking for something to eat to kinda fill up a spot that feels off.
and the reward, i guess is feeling like i filled it.

so they say the idea is to change the response to the cue.
you'll still have the need....
but you change what you do about it.

so how about this? i came up with this idea and got all excited! -
i get that urge to get up and go find a snack....
i stop and realize what it is i'm really looking for and then i go and do something
nice for myself -
something that makes me feel better about myself -
it could be as simple as painting my toenails....writing myself a note about something
good about myself......that kinda thing........
the reward is even better than the eating really does fill something.
and in the process, i learn to be more loving to me.

i'm thinking this is a way cool thing to try.
there's a ton more in this book, of course.
i just nutshelled it big time.
i thought it was enough of a nutshell to share tho.
cause there's some really good stuff in this.

just being aware, looking at why you do something, aiming for something healthier...
and in the process maybe hitting on something else that needed to be hit on as well.

it's kinda exciting!
this whole book is exciting, and the next time i talk about it, i'll have the title.
i like the idea of really becoming aware of why we do things.
so much of living is just coasting.
and that seems like a shame to me.

i don't wanna just coast....ya know?
i want to treat myself with love - and live in that love.

Monday, June 3, 2013

livin' the good

we picked him up at the train station last nite.
josh was returning from his search for good tour.

he told stories all the way home.

i listened. laughed at some, choked up at others.
and was amazed thru all of them.

he divided the trip up into two weekends.
and chose to do the southern stretch last.
they're friendlier down that way and he knew it'd be way fun
and a good one to end on.

altho he's not quite done.
he winds it all up with some kinda show at an elementary school tomorrow.
the kids adore him. and he'll be talking to them about searching for good.
when i think of that i just love him so much.

his stories were packed with people he met along the way.
i mean, that was the point.
but nobody meets people like josh meets people.

he talked of the cabbies, the security guards, the vet with 4 purple hearts,
the old world war II vet, the kid with the oxygen tank, the homeless woman
he had pizza with...on and on these stories go.

he was out searchin' for the good in the world.
and yeah, he knew he was tryin' to do good himself - playing in vet homes
and children's hospitals. he knew that.

but what he doesn't know is the good he brings along every bit of the way
whether he's searchin' or not.
in the cabs, trains, hotels, street corners....everywhere he went.
maybe the stop to the children's hospital was intentional, but his brightening kids'
lives is something he does without thinking. eating pizza with the homeless woman
wasn't new for him. it's not something he did cause he was sposed to. he's
done that stuff before. he knows the names of the security guards in both grocery
stores he frequents, and by talking with them and getting to know them, discovered
they were related. he remembers the names of people he's met once while wandering
somewhere and if he bumps into them again, he remembers them.

i really don't think he quite gets how his outlook affects the world.

i'm really not sure that's something any of us get.

what we bring with each and every thing we do, affects the world.
each and everything we do.
are the strangers out there friends just waiting to be met?
are we there to stop and listen and help when needed?
do we slow down and give someone the time who could really use it?
do we smile as we travel and say hello?
do we ask someone else their story and actually hear it and remember it?

little things?
but listening to josh's weekend, watching how josh lives,  i just don't think so.