sue posted this on her facebook wall yesterday and this needs to be
posted everywhere we can find! spread this around any way you can, okay?
fighting cancer? check this out! and share it, okay? we want people to know about this! it was sue's 'last ditch hope' - and guess what?!! IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Hinrichs and I are working together to recruit more cancer battlers for this treatment that saved my life, and could save others. There is also information in these links for clinical trials for OTHER types of cancer, so please pass this information on to anyone who has advanced cancer (or knows someone with cancer). And to those of you who are battling advanced cancer, I hope you will look into your immunotherapy options....push your doctors to think outside the "standard treatment" box. Thank you, my friends, for re-posting this and helping to save lives.
josh (my oldest son) and i took a day off and went to the mountains.
we both needed a break, and decided to grab some time.
normally, we 'fit in' our time we get in the mountains.
but not this weekend.
this time it was completely JUST about hangin' out among the leaves -
and we were taking it - not fitting it in!
i was kinda craving a waterfall.
so i asked if he'd be okay with us hiking to one.
he was terrific about it.
just stopping at the visitor's center talking to the park ranger
about the path to the waterfall was fun! we laughed and carried on.
the moods were good all around. the energy just flowin'.
it wasn't until we were walking back to the car that i realized how far
a drive it was just to get to the place to hike to the falls!
are you kidding me????
josh was all in, tellin' me it wasn't that far.
i laughed. knew darn well it was.
especially this time of year up there.
you get behind a slow movin' tree peeper and it's over.
i obviously needed to unwind!
and i realized that we had nothing else we had to do.
our sole goal was to hike to a waterfall.
there was no one we had to see.
no where else we had to go.
this was our chance.
let's do it.
so we drove.
and yeah, we got behind more than one slow movin' tree peeper.
but we were busy peepin' too.
the woods were incredibly beautiful.
finally, finally we had hit the perfect day in the mountains.
and it was all ours!
the hike around the waterfall and streams was honestly the most
beautiful hike i've ever taken. the day was perfect, the colors of the
rocks and water was stunning, the leaves took your breath away.
it was beyond gorgeous.
we oohhed and ahhhed thru the whole walk.
pointing things out to each other to see.
at one point we just started laughing as we pointed things out
at the same time - 'look over here!' we exclaimed to each other
pointing out completely different things. we stopped to look at both.
josh laughed and said 'it's like hoops and yo yo go to the mountains!'
(if you don't know hoops and yo yo you may have to google them!)
it was truly one of the best days of the year for me.
and what i think the best gift josh gave was his complete and total
enjoyment of everything we saw.
neither of us ever tired of ooohhing and aahhhhing over the beauty.
and we would join in enthusiastically when the other started after we
i think that was really the coolest part of the trip for me.
both of us are very enthusiastic. and many many times we just tone it
down. which is something you kinda get used to, i guess.
but here, it was just too gorgeous, and there was no reason to.
i realized it later.
and understood what a gift that really is -
to have someone enjoy something so much with you that they never tire of exclaiming about it.
and being able to exclaim together over and over.
and when it's your son doin' that with you? well.....that's a pretty darn cool gift.
we passed hikers carrying their kid in a backpack on the dad's shoulders.
i pointed at josh and said 'we used to carry him that way!'
and josh joked and cautioned them as look what happened to him.
and as we walked away the dad said 'i don't know, i think i'd like it if she
grew up and took hikes with me.'
i smiled and nodded and turned back to the trail with josh.
a new idea was brought to my attention...
and it's something i kinda hope i can remember.
thought it probably fit more than just me.
so i'll try to share.
you know how when you get the flu, you can't cope with regular ordinary things?
for me, working at home, a lotta times i gotta work when i'm sick
and just tryin' to do an ordinary everyday task can bring me to tears.
you know that deal.
we all do that.
we all gotta do stuff we're really not up to when we're sick.
and the dealing with the stuff that can be everyday easy when we're feeling fine,
can just bring us to our knees when we're not.
we say of course it does, we've got the flu,
we don't have all our strength.
we don't question that. and we understand that everything is clouded
with that fever.
well, for me, sometimes when something really deeply hits me emotionally -
it does the same thing. it's like i've got an emotional flu.
i think while i've always been aware of this to a point - when you're obviously
upset about something and you get upset because dinner didn't turn out right,
you kinda know it's cause you weren't too steady to begin with - that kinda thing -
i knew that.
but i don't think i really knew how subtle it can be.
there are a few landmines inside of me.
they get stepped on, and some really deep emotions go off.
i know that too.
but i think i forget how deep they are.
and how many tremors they can shake my foundations with.
but how about when they get tripped, and you know it, and you go to
try to deal with it? you figure you realize what the emotional reactions are,
you allow for them, and you try to move on. but perhaps you've still got
that low-grade fever and you're not ready to take on your day to day life
like you think you are. maybe those tremors are still rumbling way down deep.
but you move on.
this happened to me.
land mine goes off.
i saw the reaction, and i tried to work with it.
and thought i had.
but underestimated what it had done to me.
what it was still doing.
i did the things i thought i had to,
and kept going.
and when other things started rockin' me further away from any center,
i just assumed it was because of me. of bad things about me. i go
right to bad assumptions about myself.
it didn't occur to me that i was knocked off center in the first place,
and things that really wouldn't do much rockin' normally, were creating quite a lot
of motion because i was ripe and ready for motion and certainly nowhere
as near center as i thought. it didn't occur to me it was happening cause
i was emotionally upset.
it was all 'low-grade' - i could go about my business, not really notice,
and so i blamed my weaknesses.
i think this happens more than i know.
and i think just realizing this felt a little liberating.
you know how when you have the flu and you just feel so unhealthy?
you ARE unhealthy. but you know you'll be good and back to feelin'
healthy in a few days. you know that, so you don't think of yourself as
always unhealthy. it's temporary. you know it's temporary.
with the emotions, i'm not that clear.
when i'm in that low grade fever time and things are rockin' my world
all around, i don't realize what's goin' on - and it certainly doesn't feel temporary.
it feels like it's there to stay. and i feel like there's something wrong with me.
deeply wrong with me.
i don't realize it's temporary.
and it's reactions.
and what a wonderful thing to realize.
and i think this may be a hard one to know and believe in when it's actually
happening. but i want to start trying to remember this. cause i think it will make a difference.
and maybe help me ease up on myself, and give myself a little bit more tender care.
i got myself a little pumpkin.
i have a big one for my porch.
too darn pretty to carve.
i just really got attached to it and didn't want to carve it.
so i got a little one.
thought i could carve it and it could be a little candle holder at nite inside.
i got a baking pumpkin.
as opposed to a carving pumpkin.
if i can go by how this pumpkin was........that's a really big difference!
and prolly not a good plan.
after using all my might to get the top off of the darn little thing,
there was just no way i could cut the eyes or mouth.
it just wasn't happening.
finally got the drill and drilled circles all in it -
eyes, nose, mouth.
i did this all too far down on what would be the face as i was afraid
of drilling my fingers as i held it!
soooooo what i got is a tiny little pumpkin with the most pathetic
little face you'd ever wanna see.
and i laughed.
my first pumpkin all by myself.
and yeah. it looked like my inner child did it for sure.
it was precious just cause of that.
and! i've got a candle holder outta the deal!
so all proud of myself, i cleaned up and started to head to work.
when there was a knock at the door.
i'm pretty good at ignoring salesmen....but i happened to be right
there by the window, so i opened the door and met the two men
at my doorstep.
they wanted to sell me a new roof.
they wanted to give me an estimate for a new roof.
i rolled my eyes. the thought of a new roof right now isn't anywhere
near the plan.
told them it'd be awhile.
the were your very insistent salesmen and insisted on giving me
an estimate any time that was convenient for me THAT DAY.
i was still friendly and declined and said 'just leave me your card.'
and on and on he went again. actually kinda condescending like i
wasn't understanding that the estimate was FREE and TODAY and
his card wouldn't do me any good.
and then the coolest thing happened - i put out my hands in front of
me like backing them off and said 'when i want one, i'll get one.'
and i never had this happen before -
it was like i pushed his energy right back to him.
he put out both his hands as if to stop the energy push and backed right off.
he was done.
i was surprised.
i didn't realize that i had been that forceful.
and i felt like i actually pushed his energy back on him.
it honestly took me by surprise that i just ended it that way.
i walked back into my house puzzled and a little thrilled.
i looked at my pumpkin.
i looked down at my legs - i had on my tights and fuzzy legwarmers....
i looked at the men walking away....
the little girl had shown up.
then the warrior woman - pushing bad energy away - took over.
and it could not have been a better combination!
it tickled me for the rest of the day.
i can rake.
i can drill pumpkins.
i can dress funky.
i can be childlike.
i can push energy back on aggressive salesmen.
you'd think i'd be gettin' to feel downright empowered over here!
thing is......i'm in this weird quiet listening spot.
trying to figure out how i belong in the world.
maybe figure out a little bit more of who i am.
and so i'll keep watching.
and see who else shows up inside me.
i used to mow it when i had little kids.
i mowed with my youngest on my back.
i used a push mower that had no power but me.
i pushed and chatted to my son as he rode along on my shoulders.
i pushed and sweated, and mowed and mowed.
i look back at that and shake my head.
i certainly did what i needed to do.
but that's the thing...that's what i was doing.
i was mowing a yard that needed mowing.
and then my sons got big and took over the job.
i didn't do it again for years.
and i didn't miss it at all.
and now.....something's happening that i didn't expect.
my yard has become my therapy.
i don't mow because the yard needs mowing.
but i don't.
i mow now to go out and have some space to think.
i rake to move the energy inside me and clear some gunk from my insides.
i clean my gutters to center myself.
i enter my yard and enter myself.
at the same time, the upkeep of the place -
the physical movement and also the taking care of the place-
that all seems to be a huge part of it. it seems to be what lets the magic in.
it's happening enough i've noticed.
enough now that i know to head out there when i need some clearing.
to head out when i need to think thru things.
to head out when i need to get let go and remember what it is to truly live.
as i walked across my yard last nite, in the dark,
i knew it was becoming a truly special place for me.
and here's the point of this whole thing -
it's always been there.
just waiting for me.
just waiting for me to notice.
just waiting for me to claim it.
i have a feeling there's a lotta things like that in life.
and i wanted to mention that.
what is it in your own life that is just waiting for you to claim it?
what else in my life is waiting for me?
i find that an exciting question.....
it'll happens sometimes.
the pain of the world will just overwhelm me.
i'll hear one too many stories,
or witness one too many things,
or sit with a friend and feel their pain so much,
that i will get overwhelmed with the pain of the world.
on the outside, you'll see calm.
you might hear acceptance and love and even strength.
cause i can offer that.
but on the inside, sometimes, i'm like a little girl - she's
clinging to a mast of a huge sailing boat with a storm pounding all
around her. wind blowing everywhere, rain pelting down, and the
little girl screaming and crying and holding on for dear life.
that was the visual that came to me this weekend.
that's what i felt like on the inside.
altho no one could tell looking at me.
life is filled with so much pain, and i just didn't know how to hold that.
i got off center and wanted to find my way back to some kinda ground.
i chose to take that visual outside with me, and go rake some leaves
and try to get centered with living. try to get to a place where i understood
again that it's an incredible journey here that we are a part of.
turns out i think this leaf raking is going to be some awesome therapy.
good thing too, as i do believe i'll be raking til next spring...
so i raked and i thought and saw the picture of the girl clinging to the mast.
okay, terri.....what's the mast? what is that?
and i saw that it was my wishes for what i wanted life to be.
it was how i wanted life to work out.
i was clinging to something that didn't exist - to an illusion.
that stopped me mid-rake.
you're clinging to an illusion.
and i could see that.
i could really see that.
and then this little voice whispered -
the storm is an illusion as well.
i started raking again.
curious and interested and even a little bit nervous.
what's the ship represent? i asked myself.
what you travel in....how you travel.....
that kinda thing.
which doesn't have to be one thing that's always the same, i thought -
it doesn't always have to be this big ol' rickety sailing ship....it can change
it really really depends on your confidence, your beliefs, your focus.
all that makes up your ship.
the storm, of course, was the pain.
i raked and thought about the illusions that i cling to.
i wondered where this got me.
i wondered about the pain and the different angles of looking at it.
i wondered about the different traveling vessels, and what i could
make them into.
i tucked this all into my pocket and headed back inside.
driving later, i put a few things together.
i had talked to a friend earlier about it.
he happened to call and ask how i was.
knowing he'd get what was going on inside me, i leaped into it with him.
he paused. listened. thought.
he responded with the idea that i 'already served' and how then the other thing i
needed to do was let go of others' pain.
i substituted 'offering' for serve......
touched that a bit. knew it was echoing something in me.......
and while driving, i thought about how you HAD to let go of holding all this stuff
if you were gonna offer - really really offer - because holding all this
stuff makes you closed and tight and you can't offer like that.
you need to open.
and then i thought about offering when you're open and when you truly truly
just want to offer for offering's sake - the pure giving of love.
that's when you touch god, i think.
that really hit me.
and as i drove, i teared up thinking of that.
and it occurred to me - even the offering is probably an illusion -
whatever that means.
maybe that means don't get too hung up in it.
don't take it too seriously or trip into ego or think it's more than it is.
maybe just understand it's the act of offering that matters.
because it's in there that's the god part.
the touching god part - for me, for what i believe, that part is the only thing
that's the part i want.
i stopped at a light and just held my hands to my face thinking of all this.
i felt electric inside.
so much different than what i had felt earlier.
i felt electric with the wanting to touch god..........
i didn't understand a darn thing,
but my focus had changed
and i felt humbled, alive, electric.
totally needing a fiction read,
i went to my shelf the other nite and pulled down a book that
i had read in the pre-bone sigh years.
by richard bach - running from safety.
i remember i had liked it long ago.
this time, however, i was floored.
it's him talking to his inner child.
could this be any better?
and i really love it's a guy doin' this kinda thing!
and so i've been reading with delight.
and shaking my head.
why wasn't this enough to get me talking to my own inner child?
i didn't even know i had one back then!
anyway.....i'm finding it delightful.
and i just got to a part i loved -
he's talking to his inner child and telling him that he doesn't want answers.
what he really wants is questions.
so his inner kid asks why not answers?
'because answers change,' i said. 'you don't want a million answers as much
as you want a few forever questions. the questions are diamonds you hold in the light.
study a lifetime and you see different colors from the same jewel. the same questions,
asked again, bring you just the answers you need just the minute you need them.'
there's this ball of stuff i want to share,
i think it seems chaotic and unrelated at first glance,
at least maybe from the outside looking in it does.
it all ties together and makes sense to me tho.
so i thought i'd share.
here's a string - i've got the hormone thing goin' on.
and my gosh, i FEEL things so strongly right now.
at first i was rolling my eyes kinda tryin' to excuse it away.
and then it occurred to me - this is AWESOME.
i can really really really feel stuff.
and when i'm sad, wow, i'm sad.
and when i'm happy, get outta the way, i am over the moon happy.
when i'm moved, touched or humbled, the tears roll freely.
it really is kinda cool.
i decided to embrace it right now.
and somewhere in that embracing, i could see the beauty of it all.
the strength in it.
the complete honesty of the feelings.
another string - i got knocked for a loop this week.
a couple different things caused it.
(why is it one thing isn't ever enough??)
and i landed smack dab into the ol' puddle of self doubt.
questioned everything i did.
and felt lost.
add the hormone string and you get the picture.
another string - just wrote a friend who was talking about her journey.
the only thing i could think of offering that was of any value was this -
it's okay not to know the answers. we need to just open, ask and listen.
'we don't have to know everything. we just have to want to hear.'
i liked that thought. think it was more for me than her.
yet another string - i was handed much to hear after my self doubt melt down.
it was as if the universe wrapped me in reminders.
and i heard.
and if you took all these strings and more and wrapped them in a ball and
put one big fat string all over it - that one big fat string would be this -
go where you're led with your whole heart.
accept that there will be times you won't feel seen or understood.
don't give your power away because of that.
make it burn brighter. turn up the fire.
keep your heart open and go where you are led.
you just don't know til you step into things what they're gonna be like do you?
and ohhh the delight when it turns out to be SO much better than you ever coulda
imagined! oh man, that's one of those little pieces of heaven!
i laugh with glee every time i see the surprised reaction that comes after i tell
someone how much i'm loving the empty nest stuff. those who know how close
i am to my sons look shocked and then tell me they were sure i was going to
fall apart. 'me too!' i exclaim! 'me too!'
but then again -
i have it easy. they're close by. i can easily see them.
i have it easy. i'm in love with someone i plan on eventually living with.
i have it easy. i'm an introvert and like quiet time.
so there's a ton of 'easy' to this that i'm taking, embracing and running with.
and the not so easy? well i scream and cry and talk to the walls at those points,
and so far that's working. because over all i'm feeling like i just got handed
one heck of an opportunity -
i'm really deeply pleased to have a chunk of time to take a look at myself,
and hopefully address a few things inside me that need addressing.
i had been kinda concentrating on looking at those areas and seeing all the
inner hurdles i have yet to leap. and there's a few doozies waiting for me.
but then i saw some other stuff.
some of the stuff i HAD learned.
and i know how it works - i'll have plenty of opportunities to learn them deeper.
life's not gonna let me get cocky!
and so i don't get cocky. i realize that i'm just starting to learn.
but i'm beginning to understand some of them a little bit anyway,
and i think that's gonna be a big help as i wander thru the doozies.
i'm pretty sure that i don't think life is 'supposed' to be any certain way anymore.
i'm pretty sure that i understand that there's no guarantees and really all we can
do is try to get the best out of anything that comes our way. and that is really
one of the few places we have power in this life.
and i have moments - just moments - where i understand i can't control life.
i have thousands upon thousands more moments where i forget that and try my
utmost to control the daylights out of it. but then when i fall back in exhaustion,
that's when i usually remember - oh yeah. can't do that.
and i'm thinking maybe i've been hit in the face so much with that, i'm starting
to nod at that thought a whole lot more and believe it more with each nod.
and i think i want to carry these things into my time of solitude now.
i want to face demons that need facing, i want to wrestle with parts of me that
negatively control me...and then i want to fall back in exhaustion, remember
it's a process, there's no 'supposed to be' and that i can still soar with gunk
on my wings. (thanks, mar, for that one.)
i'm thinking that all this will be circles, spirals, waves, over and over -
all bringing me deeper into terri.
and i'm thinking that life handed me this time right now.
and with all i have, i want to embrace it and live it.
making me sad. but more than that,
it was pushing
buttons inside of me.
pushing where deep waves of things were coming up.
i watched and
listened and saw what it was all about,
offered myself compassion.
know what to do with it beyond that.
what do i do
with these darn waves?
'i think i'll
go rake some leaves in the dark.'
cause you know, that'd be awesome therapy!
my own yard.
in the dark.
moon in the
gentle chill in the air.
hopping away when i got near.
a little piece
i decided to
rake under the pine trees.
needles there and it smelled so good.
not so dark
lit up the
area around me.
tho that i didn't care.
oh! i could
see the pine cones on the ground.
i ran inside
to get my bin of pine cones i'd been collecting.
i had that
excitement i used to feel when the kids were little
and we played
in the back yard at nite. it was so magical, and you'd
run inside to
grab something and you just knew you were going back
magic....guess that's the same feeling i had as a kid as well.
that was the
it felt good
to feel that.
bin, listened to my sneakers hit the wood floor
electric with the nite. i headed back out.
pine cones and talked to myself.
the wonderful sappy smell.
started raking the pine needles.
and talking to
myself some more.
'i don't know
what to do with this deep feeling' i said.
'so don't do
anything' came the answer.
'do you do
anything about your nose? it's just there.'
snarky, but the voice back certainly had a tone.
it took me by
answered....'my nose makes it so i can breathe.
'yeah, and it
gets stuffed up and runny and nasty colds, right?
and you don't
do anything right? you say 'oh, i need to rest now,
telling me to rest.' and you treat it gently and take care of it.
you don't feel
any need to get rid of it or to change it. you understand it
needs to run
its course.you understand that this is just the process of
having a nose.
why is this any different?'
thought of it that way.
kinda like my
emotions caught a cold.
i need to be
gentle with myself, know it'll run its course, no need to change
just need to
rest and let it be.
i raked and
thought about that.
okay. i can buy that' i thought.
and i looked
up and saw the moon between the branches of trees.
i just stood
about how lucky i truly am.
even if my
emotions do have a cold.
or maybe -
just maybe - because they DO have a cold.
and i can feel
i felt the
nite around me.
in my own
in the dark.
moon in the
gentle chill in the air.
i thought of
what i say when i have a cold and sneeze - god bless me.
i watched a movie this weekend with the guys.
and it hasn't left my mind.
it's called 'the way back' and is the story of some men
who escaped a gulag in siberia and WALKED to india.
most of the time having to hide.
it's based on a true story.
i was captivated thru the whole movie.
i had read some aleksander solzhenitsyn's books (a man
who spent years and years in the gulags) and i think that sparked
the interest in the movie for me. i also am facing something that
scares me and i wanted some inspiration. i figured this might do it.
and my gosh, did it ever.
the walk was 4,000 miles.
and yes, of course they all didn't make it - one stayed in russia, a few died, one
went another direction...that kinda thing. but a few made it.
and of course, the main guy made it.
he had a reason to make it that drove him and drove him and drove him.
and he a kindness that stood out.
those two things really interested me.
i've been thinking about kindness lately.
years ago, i had a day that taught me something about kindness that i won't ever forget -
that day taught me that there's a deep deep mystery to kindness.-
and it's power is incredible.
i've been kinda remembering that lately.
just vaguely thinking about it.
this movie brought it to the front of my mind.
and the drive - which was beyond him....
those drives that are not about us, that are beyond us -
those can fuel some stuff, can't they?
well......like a 4,000 mile walk.
i looked at my fear.
didn't look quite so big after that movie.
i later looked up the story, thinking of maybe reading the book. there's question
as to whether it's true or not. kinda goes back and forth. and while i wasn't
sure i wanted to read the book after all that, i found i didn't much care if it was true
or not. cause i believe in the idea with all i have. i believe we've got it in us to do
the unimaginable. and i believe both kindness and drive will get you a million miles.
or is it four thousand? whatever it is.....it's far........
maybe it's time to put on my walkin' shoes and walk right on thru that fear.
to find the 'way back' to trust.....
they all just left.
and for the first time since they moved,
i can hear the quiet.
i guess it's cause we just spent the evening celebrating having 'made it.'
i cooked dinner, got the table cloth out, set the table pretty,
and we gathered. i wanted to be sure we honored the journey we had
taken together. it was no small feat what we did, and each one of us
made it happen. a team of tremendous proportions. we were gonna honor it.
honor the journey. just honor having been together in the way we were.
they arrived bringing food and laughter with them.
they looked so good.
we feasted and laughed and talked.
reminisced a little.
joked a lot.
and at the end exchanged hugs and i love you's as they headed out
into the nite and the rain.
they thanked me for all my hard work and all i could do was nod.
no words could come out.
what a road we traveled.
if i knew all the hurdles and bumps and worries and work that it involved,
would i do it again?
it was the best thing i've ever done travelin' with those guys like that.
it was an honor and a privilege to share what we shared.
and what amazes me is that i'm not done travelin'.
no path i travel will hold the same things as this one did.
but the things i learned with this journey will be taken into the next and the next.
and i honestly feel like the luckiest person alive.
so i sit quietly in the stillness and toast the honor of living.
some months back my partner and i blundered our way into
one of our biggest messes ever.
we were both taken by complete surprise,
and neither one of us were really prepared for where it dragged us.
eyes wide in amazement, wondering if we were really gonna make it thru,
it was just too crazy to even comprehend.
and to try to talk about it with anyone? oh gosh, it sounded too stupid,
unbelievable and crazy. so i just didn't. and i honestly wondered if it would
be the end of us, despite our commitment to each other.
was this really something we couldn't figure out?
could this werido crazy thing that caught us by surprise really conquer
all the work we'd done together??
i think there was the initial terrible stuff - where every conversation made it worse.
and then at some point there was the throwing up of hands where we had
to decide if we'd let this kill us or not,
and then the complete confusion on what to do.
we opted for just loving each other and seeing if we could resolve it later.
that haunted me a bit.
that's not my usual way of working.
but i could see no other option if we were going to stay together.
and i knew our love was deep.
and so we traveled on.
and things got better.
then good again.
then real good.
strong deep good.
stronger than ever good.
but in the back of my head i worried about this thing we hadn't resolved.
we both knew it was there, mentioned it just a couple of times but never held it
and as we went along and got stronger and stronger,
we got so strong it started coming to my mind more and more.
i could hear it nudging me.
and i began to look at it again.
and i could see my part in it really clearly.
and i felt differently.
well.......part of it i felt the same about.
that didn't change.
but HOW i wanted to handle it changed.
i could see how i could offer my deepest love and honor who he was,
and it felt right. not like any kinda 'giving in or giving up' -
it felt like it was something i had grown into.
like i had grown into a new level of love.
and i could see something else -
i could grow into it because of the space we took.
the space he suggested.
and i could see the love and caring in the space.
i believe that space grew me.
and i'm astonished right now. what a cool thing to see.
resolution takes time sometimes.
and to believe in someone so much to know that the resolution will happen -
that is incredible.
i got that gift - that belief - from my partner.
and i gave it in return.
and when i offered my thoughts on it all, and my changes,
he never hesitated - he brought up his part in it as well.
and the holding together happened for real.
yeah, it's one incredible moment of love.
but it's more to me -
it's a lesson in resolution.
it's a lesson in belief.
it's a lesson in trust.
and it's a reminder that space matters.
i told my partner about the parable thing in the post below.
the wrestling with some sort of spirit and putting a face and voice to it all.
(see post below)
i told him i needed to figure that out,
that i was wrestling big time and needed to know who/what it was.
he didn't miss a beat and told me he knew who it was and what it was all about.
'oh gosh, tell me!' i said eagerly.
which of course backed him up as he didn't want to be giving me HIS answers.
but then he told me.
i hit him, told him he had it all wrong.
(these are the great dynamics between us)
and then proceeded to tell him what i had been thinking.
'it's the same thing' he replied.
i scrunched my face as i didn't see it.
but as we talked, i could get what he was saying.
he was just taking it from a bit of a different angle.
but yeah, it was the same thing.
and his angle added to my angle, giving me a bigger picture.
and by the end of the conversation, i got the face and voice of what i'm
and i'm thinking it's a no brainer.
it's really what we're all wrestling with, i would guess.
here's the scoop -
i grew up with all the messages and baggage we all grow up with.
the hurts and feedback that leaves those scars and takes certain beliefs
we have and changes them to self doubt and shame.
all that stuff is in me as it is in all of us i think.
i've gotten good at getting strong and healthy, but there's still streams
of this stuff way down deep.
i got married young, had kids young, concentrated on everything but me,
and took that past stuff and let it drive many things about me. lots of times
without me even knowing. lived with shame way down deep, didn't do things
because of that, have given more control than i ever really want to admit
to these negative voices inside of me.
it's quiet now.
and those things that somehow took shape from whatever negative experiences,
are here for me to see now. for me to really look at now.
and i don't want 'em anymore.
but i don't know how to get rid of 'em.
so we're wrestling big time.
thing is........they're not a 'them'......it's not other people anymore.
oh sure, other people gave me these ideas, cemented them inside of me.
but it's ME that's choosing to keep all that around.
it really isn't anybody but me anymore.
and here i am - in a wrestling match with me.
which is pretty awesome cool........
things have a way of lining up just right sometimes.
there has been 'stuff' coming up that i've been wanting to look at.
the dreams have risen from their own quiet slumber and have started
dancing madly thru my mind all nite.
my life has changed so there's much more time to myself, much more quiet time -
at least when i'm awake!
and there's been a feeling that's gone from a nudge to a strong pull that i think
is on its way to becoming even more intense.
i feel like it's time for a new journey inward.
i am feeling the call.
and i don't know what that means or what that will bring.
i read a little mark nepo last nite - from his 'finding courage' book -
and bumped into this -
'the jewish tradition speaks to this ongoing engagement with experience as a necessary
form of wresting with god. the assumption under this sort of practice is that head-on
engagement and heart-on engagement with the mysteries of life hone us to what is
essential. it is a courageous engagement that wears away whatever is extraneous.
repeatedly, our vitality often comes alive from our wrestling with the energies of god.'
'nothing is harder than to enter our own depths and embrace the underside of our own
nature, to say to our shadow-self as it flails in our arms, 'i will not let thee go, except thou
and in between those quotes, he takes a parable about jacob wrestling with an angel
and then invites us to personalize the parable. put our names and faces on the people in it,
and put a face and voice on the spirit you wrestle with.
that totally captured my attention.
you don't need this parable he gives in the book.
i needed that one.
but you might need a whole nother one.
but what a cool idea, huh?
take a parable that feels like it fits something in your life and then personalize it.
and see what you get from it.
i need to spend some time putting a face and voice onto my wrestling partner here.
and i just think that it is one awesome thing to try to do!
had to share.....
kristen of turning point (check her out, if you don't know her already)
came thru and asked me to shout out about michele demeo.
kristen and her women's center just sponsored an evening with michele.
from what i can see, she's quite a moving woman with some incredible energy
around her. it musta been some event!
michele has cancer and ALS and is battling it all with some pretty intense love
there were so many bits and pieces to share, i wasn't sure how to do this!
but i figured the first thing i would do is shout out the book kristen told me about.
she said it goes off the market in a few days so if you're interested, now's the time!
we had just finished up with the only 'goal' part of the trip.
we had done what we 'needed' to do...
now was the time to just wander,
to just totally do what we wanted, how we wanted,
for as long as we wanted.
having grabbed our caffeine, for we knew we wanted to be as
energetic as possible for this part of it all, we were just headin' back
to the open highway.
i was driving, josh was in the passenger seat.
it was just the two of us.
i was in mid-gulp when we drove past a billboard with
an insurance agent advertising his insurance company.
thing is, it was a totally unflattering picture of the insurance agent.
he probably groaned when he saw what it actually turned out like all
big on the billboard. it really wasn't what he would have wanted.
i knew josh saw it.
i could feel him see it.
there was no way to miss it.
but (oddly enough) josh was showing some couth at the moment and
staying quiet. (and that right there is a remarkable thing!)
but i had enough shots of caffeine at this point, and was in the middle of yet
another gulp of the stuff, when i saw the billboard.
trying not to spit my drink out of my mouth as i drove, i just reached
my arm across josh's face and pointed at the poor man's picture.
i swallowed (thank goodness) and burst out laughing.
which caused josh to burst out laughing with a shout of 'i saw it too!!!'
and then great glee over the look on the guy's face.
now, to be clear, we don't generally drive around and make fun of the look
on people's faces. this was just one of those moments that was too funny
and i'm sure the guy himself would agree.
the thing is tho...there's no one i travel with quite like josh.
there is no one else who woulda shared that moment like that with me.
i don't think there's anyone else i woulda even done that with.
there is no one i travel with who is on such a same wavelength.
i got to thinking -
that's what it's like with all the special people in our lives, isn't it?
there's something that takes place between you and them that isn't replicated
by anyone else. there's an energy that's just special between you and them
and certain things that are so unique between you.
i thought of that with josh's brothers, with my partner....it's there with all of them,
each in their own way. no, none of them woulda joined in on the billboard moment,
but there's other moments that only they could be part of.
and i thought of how cool that was.
and yes, how that's one of the reasons we miss those we love so much when they
aren't here anymore. because that is something that's just irreplaceable.
we drove and talked of how lucky we were to be travelin' together on such
a beautiful day, happy and healthy and wanderin' around for fun.
we knew what we had. that's something we also share - the gratitude for it.
and that made it one heck of a great day - that and a few billboard type moments.
as i listened to her story,
my heart just sank and my stomach felt sick.
it was all so wrong.
and it had to be affecting her deeply in many different ways.
i could see how this was taken from her, and that was taken from her,
and how heartbreaking this part was, and how heavy this other part was.
and i just felt terrible for her.
and there was no making it better.
it would be something she'd spend the rest of her life trying to be okay with.
she's someone i love a ton.
and someone i wish i could give the world to.
someone i wish i could make things right for.
and all i could do was offer my empathy.
i hung up the phone, browsed thru some books looking for guidance,
saw some stuff on not trying to control life,
and then went and threw some darts and thought about it all.
thoughts went thru my head.
easy to say don't control and release and all that,
but gosh, sometimes things are just so wrong you just want to fix them!
nah....i knew better.
it didn't matter how wrong it felt........we weren't in control.
and we have to learn how to live with that.
'don't count on people, they'll hurt you and let you down.' i thought.
'oh, that's just great.' i answered myself.
okay, what then?
maybe just this -
every choice we make matters.
and what we choose to put our energy on matters.
and even when it seems impossible not to put our energy on a bad situation,
we must must must must gather the muscle to focus it elsewhere.
and in focusing it on the healthy, the positive, the growth inducing,
we are stepping into that mystery that's behind it all -
even behind the bad situations.
we step into the mystery by leaving the other behind.
way easier said than done.
i know that.
but it's a choice - the mystery or the injustice.
i realize she's nowhere near doing that yet.
there's hurt to walk thru, sadness to experience, things to feel for a bit here.
i realize that's part of the journey.
i also realize there's a time that needs to shift.
i can't, nor do i want to rush her.
but i can watch, think about this, work on where i put my energy thru this,
and see if i can get any better at making it more than just words and faking it -
if i can step into the concept more and make it more part of my own living.
every choice we make matters.
that is one thing i can control.......
well, there is something to this practice stuff.
cause i remember the days when i ALWAYS just reacted when something
happened that made me feel 'bad' in some way.
and i never noticed i was reacting.
i was so caught up in the moments, that i never bothered to watch what was
really going on with me.
it was always about what seemed to be happening.
the surface event.
but you know what?
i think that's changed!
let's be clear tho, i don't think we can count moments where i'm feeling major threatened,
i'm not that good yet, and i'm thinking i won't ever make it that far -
but minor things?
or things that just feel lousy?
or things that get under my skin?
i think i have that down!
it's becoming NATURAL to look!
to look and say 'hmmmmmm that's quite a reaction...what do you spose is really going on??'
and then to dig a bit inside and see if i can find it.
happened twice in a row to me.
and each time i watched.
and each time i caught it wasn't about the surface happening.
and i caught that right away.
now i sit and think i'm hitting the hard stuff - now that i know to look,
i have to figure out the underneath stuff and deal with it.
and i get discouraged with that thought.
UNTIL i remember how i never thought i could make it natural to notice
the things i'm noticing.
and then i nod.
i'm making progress.
and think i just keep goin'.
deeper and deeper still.
i don't even know how to describe what it is we do.
i guess we try to love each other.
that's not right.
let's take 'try' outta there.
we love each other.
and we try to get better and better at it.
thing is, we work so completely different that it takes a lot to learn and to really understand.
throw in the issues that drive us so silently that mostly we don't even know they're there......
and well, it takes a lot of effort.
and the deeper we go, the deeper we have to look inside ourselves.
so while it's a relationship that pushes me here,
it's my stuff that i end up waltzing with.
and lately the dance has been showing me some stuff with how i work
and i've seen some changes i'd like to make with myself.
what's really interesting is it's not changes 'for him.'
it's not changes to please someone else.
yes, the changes would help us, i believe -
but it's me that i want to do it for.
and THAT right there is something i'm smiling about.
in the past when a change has been really hard to make, or there was a hurdle
in front of me that seemed incredibly difficult, i held other people in my mind,
and made the effort for them.
that seemed fine to me.
but this........this feels like a really important shift that's happened.
this wanting to do something so much for myself and my own growth.
this feels really right.
some hurdles i'm not sure how to hurdle.
but the desire...the drive.......it's there..........for me.
i know it's time.
the changes are in ways i think.
in ways i react.
in habits and thoughts that are ingrained.
not easy changes at all...
lost in how to make those changes, i sat down and scribbled some notes to myself.
i mean, seriously, how does one create a new thought process?
and in my notes i wound up with the standards you hear in just about any description
of quality living - live in the moment, watch where you focus, hold the gratitude.
and.....and..........and.......this one -
be aware of the desire. watch the desire that's at the bottom of it all.
that seemed like the one to sit with.
for me, when things get really challenging.....my deepest desire is to leave it all
be, to not change, to keep it in my comfort zone. there's some deep desire
to stay in the muck. there honestly is.
i see a desire on the surface. a pretty desire. one i like. one i'm proud of -
make a change for me.
and then, i see a desire in the bones. not one i'm proud of, but know i must claim -
stay in your comfort zone and don't change, roll in the muck a bit.
actually, i don't see it. that's what makes it so tricky.
but i know of its existence from just living the life of terri.
and so i sit.
seeing one pretty desire that's just started to bloom.
and knowing a difficult one lurks in my bones.
and knowing they'll find each other.
over and over again.
what to do?
i do not know.
so for now, i dance and i sing and i revel in my new home and i keep asking...
and somehow, that feels like just the right thing to do.
okay, it was a slow start...
no internet at their new house, so i had sons in and out for days and days workin' here.
am i complaining?
it was a great transition.
nice and slow....
gave me time to get used to it all.
but i gotta say.....
i just gotta say........
i am so so so loving this new life of mine!!!
i can't believe it.
not bummed out and trying to get over it???
i really thought that's where i'd be.
but i guess i didn't account for the fact that we're all so close it's a bit like
being in dorm rooms. you just run over and borrow something if you need to.
i figure that's got to be the reason.
the close vicinity.
i don't know, that's my best guess.
but i do know this -
i am the happiest i have ever been in my whole life.
should i say that again?!
i am the happiest i have ever been in my whole life!!!
and get this....i feel so happy i feel like i'm gonna burst!
and get this....i honestly feel like i've got everything anyone could ask for!
i feel like i've got it all!
and i wonder.
can i shout that out?
can i get up on my roof top and shout out 'I'VE GOT EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD! I COULDN'T ASK FOR A DARN THING MORE AND I'M SO DARN HAPPY ABOUT THAT!' ?????
is that okay etiquette, i wonder?
i mean....does that make other people feel bad?
cause they don't have everything?
(ah, but they do! they just don't know they do! WE ALL DO!)
and then i grin.
okay......i don't have EVERYTHING.
if that helps.
i don't have money.
i don't have a car with low mileage.
i don't have a lotta THINGS.
so okay...if that helps....i don't have EVERYTHING.
and i've still got my issues and various inner turmoil and people in my life i don't know how to deal with.
yeah, i've got all that stuff too.
does that help?
does that make it okay to shout - "I DON'T CARE ABOUT ALL THAT STUFF RIGHT
NOW CAUSE I'M HAPPIER THAN I'VE EVER BEEN AND I HAVE EVERYTHING!!"
i'm completely surprised.
i wasn't expecting this reaction.
and completely thrilled about having it.
even mowing the lawn has become a tickle.
because it's my lawn.
now, to be clear, it was my lawn before.
but somehow logic doesn't seem to reign right now.
just the joy of finding myself with time to myself, and liking that.
liking the chance to really just be with myself.
liking the taking care of my own place - my own domain.
there's so much i want to explore inside of me.
there's so much i want to do.
there's so much i want to soak in.