Friday, May 30, 2014

sharing jane cunningham

i honestly love this woman.
just know her on line.
so this is the first time i ever heard her voice.
oh gosh......i loved her even more after that.

wanted to share jane with you.
if you don't know of her, definitely go check her out!

you can start here!

something wonderful has begun...

i needed some time for me.
i wanted to let myself know that i mattered to me.
wanted to not put anyone or anything else ahead of me for one evening.
just didn't want to have to fill any needs, be anything, or do anything for anyone else or for work.

i decided i wanted to do a little more than just 'take the nite off.'
i wanted to 'have a date with myself.'

i think the difference was that i wanted to take some time to just enjoy my own company.

i had planned on sitting by my fire bowl and hanging out and writing.
but it was raining.
a beautiful gentle soft rain.

i stood at the window trying to decide what i'd do instead.

i got that feeling i get when i stand and look outside -
like i gotta get out there or i'm gonna miss everything.
that feeling i got as a kid, where if i didn't get out right that second,
it'd all stop and i'd miss it.

so i slipped right out.

and gardened in the rain.

i think the whole world disappears for me when i go out into my yard.
i get to feeling like it's just me and the plants.
add a little rain - and it's heaven.

and so i got lost in the rain and the flowers and the grayness.
when i was tired and soaked, i came in to a hot shower.
a glorious shower.

and then -

i started to sit down and work again.
i honestly did.
how quickly i can put up time for myself.
and then remembered.
this was about being with me.
not getting something done.

i wanted to honor that.
put the tugs of work aside.
i hesitated, but then knew -
this mattered.

so i went and goofed.
and i found myself alone in my house laughing and laughing and laughing out loud.
i felt free and light and happy and delighted.

i did silly things that had me cackling,
i did happy things that had me dancing,
i did whatever i wanted and enjoyed my own company.
i was comfortable, and free and happy.

i have always been so aware of 'dates' with others -
making time and space for others, setting aside the time for my
attention to be on them......

not sure how date nite with myself has escaped me as much at it has.
i think i've tried to take a nite off. and have paid attention to that.
but now i'm thinking there's a big difference between taking the nite off, and having a date
with myself. i saw it last nite. and i'm thinking something new and wonderful has begun.

Thursday, May 29, 2014


so i've been thinking about something -

i started to type out a big long thing trying to explain it.
but gosh, i realized it could be taken so wrong and that trying
to explain it fully would take volumes.

so i thought maybe i'd just shoot to the bottom line -

i've been pondering what makes our presence matter here on this planet.

i started out thinking that maybe it's what we offer.
but nah, that led down roads that didn't work.
so no.
but yes too....

no, in i don't think anyone's got to DO anything to have their presence count.

but yes, in that i think we have to be who we are - or at least a little bit of
who we are. that it's our offering of ourselves that makes a difference to those
around us. it's us being us that gives light to the world.

even if it's just offering our real to one person in our life.

sounds simple enough, right?
and maybe it is.

but maybe for the first time i see that that doesn't always have to happen.
that someone can lose themselves so completely that they don't have
any real to offer anymore. and i see such tragedy in that.

and i see how much that matters.
and it reminds me of how much i want my own real to be present in my life.

i can't tell anyone else how to live.
but i can learn so much from what others choose.

and now i'm thinking - wouldn't it be cool that if when we pass there's a flickering of light going out -
one tiny little flicker. cause we had added that tiny little light to the world?
i want to make the light flicker when i leave.
and i think the only way to do that is to step into who i truly am.

and that's what i'm pondering today....

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

singing and thinking and singing some more...

alright, i admit it.
sometimes i get a little obsessive.

and i've gotten a bit obsessive about a song i just heard.

it's called Everything is Music
and it's sung by bob sima.
or at least, that's who i heard at first.
i believe kris delmhorst is the original birther of the piece.

it's bits of rumi quotes in a song.

i keep listening to it.
it somehow over and over again puts life in perspective for me.
it's like a prayer that's being sung TO me and reminding me that i AM a prayer...

i love it.

and it's got me thinking -
the whole 'everything is music' concept....

i can't say what rumi meant by that, or what bob means by it  or what kris means by it -
but i can say how it's got me thinking about EVERYTHING being music -
even the really hard stuff.

even the really REALLY  hard stuff.

even the stuff i don't want to be there.


and i'm wondering if i can take that concept into the situations
that are hard and icky and remember that. and know it. and live it.

'everything is music.'
'let it play.'

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

some lawn mowing thoughts......

i was trying to figure something out.
so i took my thoughts out with me while i mowed.
i ended up mowing longer than i had planned because
sure enough, i was untangling my thoughts as i went.

it's basic enough,
the unfortunate combination of 'not seeing' someone
and at the same time 'putting my stuff' on them.


it's funny.
well, not really.

but odd.....
how hard i try at seeing others and how many times i can just
project my thoughts onto them anyway.

it's my famous 'pottery plate syndrome.'
i love pottery.
so i just assume everyone else does.
i just assume everyone sees how gorgeous this pottery plate i've got is.


it took me a long time to really understand that not everyone really does like pottery.
and that those that don't are truly not impaired.

to REALLY understand that.


so okay.....the not seeing someone....that's basic stuff.
but the putting my stuff on them - that adds an extra layer to it all.

and of course it's more than i don't realize i'm doing it -
i actually trick myself into believing i'm not doing it.
i'm aware of not doing it - even tho i truly am doing it and denying it!~

ahhhhhh.........i'm a tricky little thing.

so i mowed and i figured this out.
and it explained an awful lot.
it explained my reactions to certain things,
things began to fall into place in my head.

oh gosh.
look at that.
look at what i've been doing.

as i talked this over with one of my sons,
he said 'when DON'T we do that??'

when aren't we just assuming the other person is seeing stuff like we're seeing it?
when aren't we just assuming the other person is on the same page as us?

or how about understanding that they're on the same page,
but with a bit of a different angle?

hmmmmmmm.......good questions, huh?

i truly believe we all have the same needs/wants/desires.
that our emotions are the same.

the thing i forget is that we all have our own timings for those,
and our own flavors of those....

and again, i try to stretch my awareness and remember to try to look,
and to see..........and to ask about what i don't understand......
and then try to hear what's truly being expressed.

i'm not here to run the show.
i'm here to experience the show.
i don't want to let my not seeing stop me from my truly touching life.

back to the drawing board.....

Friday, May 23, 2014

my world now....

the other day this quote popped up as the quote of the day that gets emailed out.
so there in my mailbox i read -

two worlds

she wasn't them.
she couldn't be.
was she going to claim herself as herself
or forever be half way between worlds?

when i read it, i smiled.
i mean, really smiled.
because i had written this years ago.
and that morning, reading it, i knew that i had finally claimed myself
and was living in one world - MY world.

there were many many days i wondered if i would ever make it here.
and sitting there reading that quote, i knew i had.

the timing was interesting.
as just because i am now in my world,
doesn't mean i still don't have patches of self doubt.

and i had kinda wandered into one of those patches.
i knew it.
but had no idea how to wander out.
i decided to be patient and watch.

as it turns out,
it was an interesting combination of touching different worlds,
and of hearing my heart that brought me back to self awareness.
brought me out of self doubt.

and then i got an email from a woman who's traveling a somewhat similar path.
lots of differences yes, but many similarities. and she actually mentioned the
'two worlds' quote!
as i read her note, the journey of the early days came flooding back to my thoughts.

i actually got excited to write back,
because i felt like i was living proof to her that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
that she can and will find her one world, and when she does, it's the most amazing find ever.

as i typed out a reply to her, i realized how far the journey had taken me.
i thought of all those struggles, all that uncertainty and all that effort -
and i realized that somehow, without me even knowing how,
i left the two worlds behind and claimed the one.

and i learned how to trust.
at least a lotta the times.
like when i'm back in a puddle of self doubt -
to be able to trust that it'll work itself out, and i'll find my way back -

that's a pretty awesome lesson to have gained.

and i know darn well it's been gained thru this journey of mine.

i wouldn't have traded it for anything.
and what feels equally as wonderful, it turns out i wouldn't trade me either.

kinda awesome cool.
it kinda takes my breath away this morning.....

(you can find 'two worlds'  here)

Thursday, May 22, 2014

a mood enhancer

oh gosh,
life is so darn full,
it's certainly not always filled with joy.
some days i do wish it was.
but mostly i know it's good this way.

so when i got up, i wasn't exactly joyful.
i used the word 'lethargic' at some point,
but really, it was more than that......

i hadn't exercised in days.
that prolly had a lot to do with the mood.
and i knew i HAD to.....
but gosh i didn't want to.
i really really didn't want to.

so i dragged myself down to my little exercise spot by telling myself
'just do a little bit. just stretch your shoulder out a little. just do a little.'
my shoulder needed some work, so i followed my voice and went to it all.

i'm pretty sure you could say it was almost immediate - the feeling better
by just moving around a bit.....

but it was when i got on the treadmill and a favorite heavy metal song came on,
that my day changed entirely.

i'm assuming everyone's familiar with jimmy fallon's lip syncing - if not -
absolutely go look him up on youtube! well, he has inspired me and i really
think we all gotta lip sync to keep us laughing!

this thought popped into my head as the growly voice was singing away
and telling everyone to get out of his way and he was gonna run them on down.
the beat is goin' crazy, the voice is filled with anger and strength, and off i went
lip syncing as my little legs moved back and forth on the treadmill.

i hopped off and on several times to replay the song over and over.
each time, i got wilder and my arms flew more madly.
i got more and more into it, trying to make the angry face and laughing and
doin' it again and again.

by the time i got off that treadmill, every cell in my body was hoppin' around
feelin way way better.

i even tweeted to that heavy metal band to tell them this gentle soul really enjoyed
them this morning!

i didn't want to go down there.
i really didn't.
i wanted to kinda just wallow in my mood.

gosh, i'm glad i didn't.
and now, maybe next time i really really don't want to go exercise,
i can entice myself with a promise of lip syncing some heavy metal!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


i sat by a fire last nite and thought about living.
how so many people can talk the talk.
and never even realize they're not walkin' it.

and how i want to be careful of that.

how i truly want to walk it as best i can.
stumbling along as i go, yes, but tryin' hard to keep walkin'.

and then i wrote something i wanted to share -


the challenge of living

to allow the sorrow and weight of life
and yet to dance with an easy and open heart.
to ache in your darkest depths
and yet to laugh from your light filled center.
to know the reality of humanity
and yet to believe in the magic of the stars.
to act with love in the middle of the fear
and to hold each moment as the gift that it is.
this is the challenge of living.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

unfiltered awe

a totally gorgeous day,
driving along,
windows open,
every light green,
i am in sync with the lights!
lovin' that.
sailing along smooth and easy.

take a turn off the main road onto a smaller road.
twistin' with the bend in the road when.......

overhead - JUST OVERHEAD - fly four airplanes that are totally grouped
in some amazing formation.
they're low.
they're just over my car.

and they are MAGNIFICENT!

i gotta tell ya - i'm not a military formation airplane kinda gal.

i mean it's nifty, you gotta admit it's cool. but it's never really caught my interest.

but there, so suddenly, i looked up and gasped at the beauty of them.

and then was amazed that i SAW the beauty!

i really did.
every part of me saw it.

and so i started wondering why.
why today and not before?

was it cause it was so sudden, caught me off guard and i was totally open?

not sure.

but i do know this.
i have far too many filters i use on the world.
they limit me and make me miss things.
maybe it's the filter of it being military.
i've got military filters for sure.
or guys playing with millions of dollars of equipment.
or whatever.
whatever judgment/filter i use, it does just that - it filters and stops things!

filters limit so much.

yes, i know we need some.
but certainly i have far more than i ever need.

when i was filled with the beauty of those guys/gals flyin' those planes like that,
i was totally in awe. i was in awe of the sheer power of those things, the incredible
capability of the pilots and the art and talent of flying that way.

the world is filled with these moments.
and i miss so many of them.
gonna work hard on taking off the filters as best i can,
and feeling the awe of the art of living all around me!

Monday, May 19, 2014

a pretty cool group...

my weekend was tops of the top for me.
it was just full of fun and love and a lotta hangin' out with my guys.

here's something i realized this morning -
i am forever learning stuff from these guys.
and i know it'll be a lifetime of that.
they know so many things i don't!
and they look at things so differently than i do.

and here's the really cool thing - i WANT to learn from them.

i was thinking about it and i realized how much that adds to my appreciation of them.

i think that if you find the people you're with interesting
and feel like you can learn forever from them,
seems like you're just settin' yourself up for some awesome gratitude for their presence.

and yeah, i've been with people i don't feel this way about.
and i know it's a completely different experience.

sounds simple enough -
but i wanted to offer a challenge for ya -

go see if you're feelin' that way with whoever you're hangin' out with the most.

take a look around you. pay attention. see if that simple concept is workin' in your favor.

i can't say i've always felt this way about the people i hung with the most.
and now i know better.
and hope to never let this go.

even tho it's a simple thought, it seemed pretty darn important to pay attention to.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

birthday eve

it's my birthday eve as i type this.
figure i'd write this early as there's a good chance i'll be bouncing off the walls
during the day. i don't even have much of any big plans - just general excitement,
and chaotic joy. i figure that will keep me busy enough.

but tonite........i'm mellow.
and so deeply grateful and appreciative and happy.

it's been a packed day of fun and silliness -
and that's the day BEFORE my birthday.
i like getting in the mood early.

but now it's quiet.
i'm getting ready for bed.
i waited for it to cool down outside and i just opened the windows.
a beautiful nite breeze blew the curtains back towards me.
the nite sounds doin' their thang ever so gently.

it was kinda like a big gust of understanding blew over me too.
i understood how very blessed i am.
and what a gift the people in my life are to me.
and just having a life is.

i thought of a friend i had visualized wrapped in stars, and in my mind, i tucked another one next to her.
i thought of another friend who had dropped me the kindest note that nite, sharing her love with me.
of so many thoughtful people doin' thoughtful things right now, showing me they care.
i thought of my guys over at their place doin' their thing, so young and strong.
i thought of josh probably headed to his zumba class, so full of enthusiasm for living.
i thought of my guy and the look on his face earlier when he smiled at me, his eyes went so deep.
and i remembered the feeling from the morning when the tears ran down my face because
i realized if i could pick anything in the world to do for a living, it would be exactly what i do.

another breeze blew over me.

so gentle, so soft, so holy.

tomorrow i'll be bouncin' off the walls with joy -
deep joy - fueled by the gentle holy that surrounds me tonite.
i can't think of a more wonderful combination for a birthday.

toasting the universe and bowing with gratitude...

a birthday thought

i feel like i've learned so many things lately!
it took me a while to pick which one i wanted to share here.

but i figured this one, in a way, includes them all -
and it's really fitting for a birthday share as it's about growing old.

i'm 53 this year.
so, yeah, growing older does come to mind a bit.
i watch the elderly and try to learn things from them.
and something i've been seeing over and over again is that the older folks
who i really didn't want to end up like had something in common -

their worlds had shrunk.

things like junk mail in the mail box had become major concerns,
small things needed to be done right then and if not, it was a cause for upset.
other people's stories didn't matter anymore, just their own.

that kinda thing.

and then there are the really cool old people who inspire me.
and sure enough - look at that - they are still trying to learn things,
still reaching out beyond themselves, don't say things like 'i'm too old.'
don't wait for someone to reach out to them, they are fine with reaching out first.

that kinda thing.

their worlds aren't shrinking.

as i thought about that, i realized that while it may be magnified with older people,
this holds true with everyone on the planet, no matter what age. the people i like
have big worlds. the shrunken world people are not really my cup of tea.

we need to keep learning, reaching out beyond ourselves, asking questions,
inquiring about others, and putting the small things down and understanding the
things that really matter in life.

i mean, we really do.
or at least, i think i really do.

i've spent a lot of this past month focusing on what matters in my life,
seeing the people i care about and love - really trying to see them, appreciating
the gifts i'm given daily. i have consciously been working on this.

it was spurred on by the death of an older person i cared about.
he died totally alone. he died a death i hope i'll never have. and his passing
woke me up to paying attention to what mattered - to focusing.

so taking all that, and this birthday thought i have today, i'm standing here with
a really powerful combination of focusing on my life, and not focusing on my life.
focusing on inner things inside me so i can let go of those things and open to the
whole world even better.

of seeing what i've got, of knowing what matters, and of reaching beyond all that
to keep growing and learning and loving deeper and deeper.

it's just a wonderful combination of focusing and yet letting go, and stretching and deepening.
it's kinda a mix of opposites. or a mix of everything.

and that's the birthday thought i wanted to share.

and well........that's the birthday thought i'd love to live........

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

the day ahead

sometimes i have moments when i remember who i really want to be.

one of those moments got knocked into me yesterday with some sad news.
and it's carried on into today.

something tragic softened me instead of hardened me.

that right there is something to rejoice in.
it's usually the other way around for me.
at least initially.

but it softened me yesterday,
reminded me of how i wanted to live,
and this morning it's coasted me right into how i want to be.
same thing?
i don't know.
just feels wide and deep.

and i remember that i want to be love.

i read recently something from meredith young-sowers -
'in order to become love, you are required not to define it, but to experience it.'

so i decided on a plan today -

i'm going to experience it today by offering it as much as i possibly can.
over and over again today i will offer it.
i am going to get out of myself.
i am going to put my wounds aside, and offer soothing to wounds i see around me.

the timing is nice. there will be lots of chances for me to do this.

will i do it? who can tell........
but i'm gonna try.
i'm headin' into the day soft and open.
i'm hoping i end the day that way as well.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014


saw this awesome cup giveaway thru a friend on twitter!
i just love it!
and yeah, i'd love to win it.....but you know what i'd love more?
sharing it with you! i love finding fun art!

you can sign up for the giveaway here and you can go find her
etsy shop and her facebook and all kindsa good stuff!

start here!

Monday, May 12, 2014

attitude is everything

so, yeah, it was a totally wonderful mother's day!
internet and phones even went out so i had my guys all to myself all day!

there was a huge house project i needed doing, so that was my gift
for mother's day. along with a great outdoor chair that i painted up all
funky right near where they worked. so i could chat and paint as they pounded
nails and ripped out old walls and stuff......

it couldn't have been more wonderful -
there were thousands of good parts -
one of them grabbing the lawn mower and mowing the whole darn yard
as an extra bonus, one of them runnin' up to the store to get some cookies
and drinks to add to the work party, another checking in with  me on something
he wanted to make sure i was doin' okay with...
thousands of reasons it was great.

but the one that i've really been thinking about today is their attitudes.
it was a long day for them. and it was their sunday.
one had a car he really wanted to work on, you know they all had
things to do. the project took longer than they thought, and i'm thinking
they were here later than they had planned.

and thru the entire day they were nothing but cheerful, pleasant,
thoughtful, attentive, thorough on getting the job done and not leaving a mess.
they could not have been nicer to be with.

i've been thinking about that a lot.
how that in itself is such a huge huge gift.
and how without that, the other gifts can get kinda muddied.

something we remind each other about a lot around here is that
'presentation is everything.'

well, i'm thinking today that attitude is everything.
and maybe yeah, they're kinda the same. or kissin' cousins or something.
cause attitude colors everything.

and yeah, i guess they really are the same kinda thing.
how you present yourself, how you present what you're doing -
it's all part of what you're offering.

and it makes such a difference.

note to self -

you know those times you don't really want to do something,
or you wish something was over already, or you'll do something
because you really should or have to? well.....i'm thinking don't even
bother if you can't offer a great attitude with it! cause, truly, that
colors the whole darn thing. remember the gift you were given here
and pay it forward over and over again......

and speaking of attitude - here's my chair! -

Friday, May 9, 2014

mother's day weekend

it's mother's day weekend! so i was thinking i'd post a mother's day blog
as i'll be out and about goofin' on the actual day.

and as i thought about what i'd like to say, i realized i had already said it.
so instead of huffin' and puffin' and tryin' to do it again - i'd like to share
these two bone sighs with you......


no one ever told her about this thing called 'mothering.'
maybe because it was a journey of discovery -
her greatest work of art -
her biggest lesson in letting go..
where she'd learn to nurture a 'self' to shine bright
and find her own self in the process.
no one can tell you that.
you have to live it to know it.
and when you do,
it changes you forever.'


'there is much to learn about mothering, she said -
you will need to give beyond your limits,
yet not give yourself away.
you will need to soothe and calm
even when the peace eludes you.
you will be required to believe
without any doubts
when others shake their heads and sigh.
to trust your instincts,
and follow your heart,
digging into the depths that you never even knew were there.
you will need to give your all,
and then let go.
encouraging their growth,
cheering their flight,
all the while watching pieces of yourself fly away.
and when it's over,
your job turns to you.
and offering all that you've learned to yourself.
it will be time to mother you.

i realize not everyone can become a biological mom.
i also think we're all moms in many different ways.
when we give of ourselves and nurture another, we are mothering.
fathers mother as much as mom's do.
aunts mother, sisters mother, friends mother, people mother.
and it all should be honored this holiday!

feeling grateful for it all.......
happy mother's day weekend!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

holding light

i have thought for days on something to offer from my heart
about the nigerian school girls.

it affects us all in the deepest hardest way.
i've got nothing to offer but my heart.
it's quite heavy.

i feel helpless and sad.
and yet i know that i have to concentrate on things like sending them light.

so i thought i'd take the blog space today for a moment of holding them close.

will you do that with me?
close your eyes and send them light with me.....

holding and holding and holding......

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

basic kinda stuff

if you're hoppin' over here on wednesdays looking for those guest posts
from my series 'the people around me' - well.....i don't have any more.

grinnin' at ya.

i'm sure some will trickle thru as we go along here, and i'll post them as i get them.
i asked a lotta people but busy lives, freaky questions, and just general overwhelm
can slow the process down. so for now, it's me postin' the blog.

and speaking of overwhelm -
i was a bit on overwhelm this morning.

there's a ton happening in my world.
i'm usually pretty energetic and can keep up with a lot.
but when it hits 'a ton'  i start to get stressed.

this is good.
cause i've been wanting to watch my stress.
i've been wanting to focus on what matters.
hold the gratitude.

and there i was moving as fast as i could back and forth with
the lawn mower, tryin' to beat the rain and thinking i didn't have
enough time to do everything i needed.

and i could feel it.
all the agitated craze i get when it gets too busy.

and i could see the other stuff faded away - like gratitude.

i mowed and grumbled about time to myself.
and i caught it.
and i told myself 'you're not stopping mowing until you can find
the gratitude again.'

how's that for a practical ultimatum?

strangely enough tho, it worked.

i really didn't want to mow any longer than i had to,
and i really did want to find the gratitude.
so i kept moving at a fast clip and tried to tune in to what matters.

sometimes that's harder than others.
but i've been on a roll lately, feeling really grateful,
and i was doin' some physical movin' around, i think that helped too.

whatever it was, i was able to find it again.
and i told myself to let the time thing go.

i did and got back into a good place.

but i did take note of a few things -

one - i saw what i wanted to focus on wasn't happening.
i saw i was turning away from what i wanted and toward something
i didn't want. i want to keep that kinda awareness goin'. i want to
notice more often when i do that.

i think i was able to get back the gratitude because i had been there
for awhile now. i want to keep an eye on that too. you know how
we just quietly and ever so gently slip out of gratitude and then don't know how
we'll ever find it again? well, while i think that will always happen from time to time,
i think the more aware i am, the better it'll go.

and i'm pretty sure the physical work and exercise i've been doin' lately
has made a huge difference for me.

so why is that so hard to keep up?

payin' attention and doin' the healthy stuff -
kinda basic.
and something i need reminding of over and over again.

p.s.- i beat the rain, the lawn is mowed and i'm in here typing as it rains.
feelin' way grateful it held off for me!

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

new bins for my world

they are not kidding about it being about the little things, are they?!

sometimes it really really is!

i saw a blue trashcan the other day at lowes.
it was a nice low price and a real pretty color.
i mean, pretty tempting, huh?!

but even a low priced trashcan has to get some thought around here
before being purchased. so i went home and thought about it.

i kept thinking about how my old trashcans have lasted a million and a half years
and how they honestly remind me of my 'past life.' for some reason i can't
use them without having the past float by me. no kidding. that's a lotta days
a whiff of the past comes thru.

and ya know, i'm really good with not getting those whiffs anymore.

and so the more i thought about it, the more i knew i wanted not just one
brand new trashcan! but TWO! i wanted to get rid of the past stuff and those
old cans (and yeah, i'm gonna recycle them so as not to be wasteful) and i wanted
MY VERY OWN trashcans that symbolized my very own life here.

i had really tried to make an effort to do that thru out my house -
to make it mine, to get rid of things from a life i no longer lived, and just have
the place mine.

and yet.......i missed the trashcans.
and  i knew this thing with the old trashcans, but never did anything about it.
it's another example to me of just accepting stuff that doesn't feel good.
instead of changing things! when changing is so easy!!

and as i thought about all this, the trashcans became more and more exciting!!
i actually purchased one, not wanting to be too indulgent, and then threw
caution to the wind, and went back and got a second one! there was great glee
in getting these. i honestly felt better just in deciding to get them!

i painted hearts on them to finish off the job and used them for the first time today.
when i heard the guys pickin' up the trash this morning, i ran outside to see what
they thought of my new bins! i was too late, tho i did get to wave to them. and,
i'm not kidding - i really think their waves were extra friendly~!  and that made
me smile! i think they love them too! but honestly, how could you not?!

here's to the little things and to all the ways we get to make our lives our own!

Monday, May 5, 2014

one of those cool circles...

because of something that happened to me recently,
i had this thought -

the more we grow, the more room we have to learn about someone else.

that's a pretty cool thought.

and it excites me.

for lotsa reasons.

for one - what a great benefit of inner growth! 
and for another - how wonderful to think that because your growing is unlimited, 
so is your learning about others.
heck, so is your just plain learning.

cause my gosh, when we think we know a person,
we're really missin' a ton.

think about it too.......
think about some of the things you just assume you know.
or you assume you understand.
look at those assumptions, those judgments, those quick conclusions that there's 
not much to know about in certain areas, or that we already know all there is to know.
or maybe we don't really want to poke into any deeper because we're not sure we'll 
like what we'll find.

i'm thinking all of that shows how much more we have to grow
and how much more we have to learn. it's in those areas that we need to
stop and take a look.

and i'm thinking that spending the rest of my lifetime getting to know
people i love better.......really learning about a pretty
awesome thing to spend my life doin'. and i can't do it unless i really learn
to know me better.

sometimes life is made up of the coolest circles!

Friday, May 2, 2014

lessons from a parking lot encounter

we hadn't seen him in ages,
and there he was walkin' across the parking lot.
we recognized each other, parked so we could catch up, and piled outta the car.
there were hugs all around.
it had been a long time.
but it only took him a few minutes for him to bring up his not being able to read.

it's something he hasn't told many people.
but he told us.
ages ago.
i had offered to help teach him.
but it never happened.
i knew it was one of those things he'd need to do, not me.
and when he was ready, if he needed me, i certainly would be right there.

and there he was, talkin' about it.
it was the first time we weren't at his place of work,  where he could really talk.

he could not have been with more supportive people.
i love that about my sons.
there they are standing with another fella and they were just so kind and
thoughtful and caring with him. yeah, even vulnerable.
it takes some strength to be that way.
and those guys got it.

i'm hoping he makes one of the moves he can make to grab the learning.
but in the meantime, he sure gave me a ton of food for thought for me to do my own learning.

driving away i commented on how incredibly hard it had to be and how there
was a million things to get outta that conversation.

 'he needs to let someone in.' i said.

'maybe that's one of the main lessons.' my son replied.

i think he was right.

we need to learn to let people in. to let people see our weaknesses
and ask for help. ohmygosh, we so do.

i don't think i really did that until my divorce days.
then when i leaned, i leaned hard.
and i could see that there were benefits about that i couldn't have imagined.
it's hard tho.
hard to be that open when we're so vulnerable.

i think the other thing that's standing out in my head most right now
is the pretending that we all do. the pretending that we're just fine.
that we fit right in and we're not different.

we all do it some way.
and i could see the pain this must cause him.
and i thought of my own self.

i want to learn to live as real as i can.
and there's so many darn levels to that.
always more to go.

if we only could get that we're all completely different and yet so much the same,
and we get mixed up on that all the time.

and we are not less than because we see ourselves as different.

and this - that if we don't know something, it's not cause we're stupid,
it's cause we haven't learned yet.

take all this wrap it in a ball with all the other thoughts whirlin' around
from this encounter and you get a big ball of learning how to believe in
ourselves, accept ourselves, offer ourselves.

it feels so hard sometimes.
and yet, when i watch him standing there talking,
i see it really is an okay thing to just let people know who we are.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

smilin'.... it was the last of the dental work today.
and yes, i've posted about each visit cause i'm weird that way!

this is the stuff that i wanted done forever but haven't been able to afford.
and then this really incredible dentist comes along and makes it happen.
he hands me something that was just unreachable to me.

(anyone in the southern maryland area who needs a dentist, this guy rocks -)

i thought it was so cool that it was scheduled for today.
today's the first day of 'birthday month' - where i celebrate all month long,
and what better way to kick off the festivities?!

here's the thing tho, i think my nerves were a little shot to begin with.
my mouth still kinda sayin' 'hey! slow down..." from the other batch of dental
work last week.

and i think what gets to me more than anything is the weird funky grounded
teeth dust smell that you get thru this kinda stuff. i get a whiff of a funky smell,
and i'm sure i'll lose it.

so i closed my eyes and tried the visuals that i did last time to get thru.
they worked wonders for me before.
but nope.
not this time.

so relax, terri.
just feel the feelings.

and so i did.
i started concentrating on the different feelings i could feel.
the scraping or the squirting of the water, or that fun mouth vacuum thing.
i was doin' fine. gettin' lost in the feelings.

and then i felt what really did it -

the complete gentleness in this guy's hands.
they leaned against my face, warm and calm.
he couldn't have been any more gentle.
i tried to visualize the energy that came from this man.
and i felt it just comin' thru him into me.

i thought how wonderful it is that part of what this man is offering
is himself. and who he is can calm me down.

a long time ago, thru listening to a conversation between an awesome mechanic
and my sons, my eyes were opened to art in all its forms. i realized the people who
mastered their trades were truly offering their art.- and in that art were pieces of
those very people themselves.

i was reminded of that again today.
and i know when i smile now, this man's art is with me.