honor yourself

learning to see.....

2012-01-27T07:42:00.001-05:00

i read this last nite and wanted to put it out here for anyone who
was really struggling....

'When we awaken to our inner truth through suffering caused by deep wounds,
we regain the inner sight we previously denied ourselves, resulting from our
fear of being rejected by others. We need our inner sight to access our intrinsic
power. The price we pay for our blindness is enormous and grave. The midlife
process does not support this blind way of being. The relationships that we
choose to stay blind to invariably fail us. We suffer deep wounding through this
alchemical process of 'failure.' The blessing from the deep wound is the powerful
'medicine' it holds. This medicine permeates our lives and graces us with the clarity
of vision that can no longer be fooled by adaptations or cover ups. This medicine
reconnects us to our real selves and reveals the vulnerabilities that we carry that
have conditioned us to adapt and compromise our truth. Once we awaken
to this, we are able to reclaim our intrinsic power. '

that's from 'becoming real' by rose kumar

when i first started out on my own in my awakening process, i wrote so many
bone sighs about regaining my sight...learning to see myself. i struggled and
struggled with that concept. felt like i would never ever get it. and somehow
really understood that my power was tied up in that.

i read this last nite and put it aside to type here this morning.
without even thinking, i wrote the blog right beneath this first. then typed this out.
for me, they fit together like a glove. and i realized when i put these two posts
together in my head - i'm learning to see.

by golly, i'm learning to see.

and she listened....

2012-01-27T07:28:00.000-05:00

something really cool has been happening to me this week.
certainly not as smooth and easy as i'm gonna type out,
but still, it's been pretty darn awesome.

i was trying to think of the word or phrase that might describe it.
and i came up with this - 'self awareness.'

and yeah, i think that's it.

it started out with me just noticing a slight feeling inside.
something i never woulda noticed enough to look at before.
but this time i stopped and looked.

okay, that right there is big progress.
usually i wait until things are kicking and screaming in me to look.
so stopping when it was a whisper was new.

and then i looked and listened and kept it to ME.
i didn't tie other people into it and how whatever they were doing
was affecting me.

or wait....let me clarify that.
i did see what was goin' on around me, how it was touching me.
how other's actions were feeling to me.
and then i concentrated on ME in that. not anyone else.

i just looked at my stuff.

and i saw a need.
i needed some time just to kinda feel what was going on inside of me.

that was the need.
to sit with it and listen.
that was it.

i didn't know any more than that.
and i trusted that was enough.
and so i did.

that was the start of a significant week here.
and that was a pretty big start....hearing and trusting and following,
without understanding.

it set the tone for the next few days.

when i felt funny about something goin' on, i gotta say, my first reactions
were about the 'other' people in the deal. i did go to questioning their motives, their stuff....

BUT! i wouldn't do it for long. i'd see what i was doing, and go back
to me. and i'd ask myself what i was feeling.
and then i'd ask myself why i thought i was feeling that way.
and then when i'd figure that out - i didn't try to explain it away, or fix it,
all i did was nod, say 'of course you'd feel that way, that makes so much
sense.' and then i'd offer myself some compassion.

again....new stuff for me. it wasn't forced, it wasn't thought out, it wasn't
'okay, now it's time for compassion.' it was just a natural response to
really really listening. it was exactly what i would do for a friend without
thinking. and i did it for me without thinking.

last nite as i was goin' to bed, i felt a little bit down about something.
i thought about it and it was clearer than ever before to me that it
was about the emotions that get stirred up, not about what was actually
happening.

i could separate the two.
better than i ever had before.

and here's the thing.......when i snuggled in and lay there, the thing that
mattered to me more than anything else was the growth i saw happening in me.
i saw it.
and i thought 'wow, look at this, if you can learn to see like this, on a regular
basis, it would be amazing.'

i didn't think about anyone else in the deal.
i didn't think about what this meant for my offering to anyone else.
i didn't think about how this would help those around me (and it would!)
it was completely about how this was helping me.

and i don't know any other way to put this, but it was like i was finally learning
how to truly be there for myself.
for me. and no one else.

and it was incredible.
and all it started with was listening.

keys

2012-01-26T06:47:00.001-05:00

a friend of mine's in a tough spot.
and hurting.
and asked for my thoughts.

oh man.
so i thought.
and i thought.

and i wrote about 'releasing.'

release.

that's a big big word.
that requires a whole lotta strength.

so i hopped on my bike and thought about that word.

it played a big part in several significant changes in my life.

i just laughed when i read that last line.

i guess it played a big part in EVERY change in my life.
cause the fact that i don't release when i need to affects
everything too.

but what i'm thinking of is the times i actually consciously DID release,
i opened myself up to life. and great changes happened.

so i pedaled away thinking about that.

a few years ago i wrote a bone sigh about there being no map.
you gotta write your own, cry your own, grieve your own, that kinda thing...

well, this morning i came up with directions for that map that you
create yourself -

and it feels like a new mantra to me -

trust.
release.
find the laughter.

that's it.
and to me, it feels like 'ohmygosh, that's IT!'

you gotta trust first.
that's a big one.
i know, personally, i'll be spending a life time workin' on that one.

then with the trust, you release.
oh, man, yes.
the few times i know i've done it, the entire universe opens up.

and then the laughter....
i thought of my story of my neighbor. (see post below)
it's when we found the laughter that i felt the love.
and the laughter doesn't have to be about what happened.
we certainly weren't laughing about his mom's passing.
we were laughing at my silly shoes.
something totally off topic.
and it created this great space for love.

so i thought of my friend who's struggling.
there's nothing in the struggle she'll find funny.
but it's something in her life in another area....

i thought of my own stuff. my own hurts my own hard stuff.
i don't want to laugh at that stuff.
but my gosh, tell me a silly story, and i crave the laughter.

all of those things - trust, release and laughter - all of them
are like portals into the magic of life.

i really think so.

so maybe instead of directions to the map, they should be called
the keys to the map.

cause man, they sure open doors.

now.
can i just keep all this in mind and work with it?
ah, i can try.
i can just keep on trying.......

in the laughter.......

2012-01-25T06:55:00.002-05:00

his mom passed away last week.
he and his mom have lived next door to us for we don't even know how long...
12 years maybe...
she hasn't been doin' good. i wasn't surprised.

he was tho.
he knew it was coming.
and he knew it wouldn't be long.
but not quite then.
he wasn't expecting it just then.
and it hit him pretty hard.

he and i really couldn't be much more different.
and we know it. and somehow, we get along fabulously.
the part where we're similar is we're both pretty friendly and
believe in being there for neighbors, and we like to laugh.
and we are both just genuinely glad the other's there.
that gets us pretty far.
there's a love between us that springs from all of that.
i feel it, and i enjoy it.

standing at his mom's service yesterday, i looked at my sons
standing in a circle with him and his son. each one of them in suits.
i hadn't seen his son in years. he was as grown and as handsome as
my guys. and he was a dad now. and one heck of a happy dad.

standing back looking at that circle of guys, a whole lotta thoughts
swirled inside me. it wasn't exactly a thrill to see all the suits, as it
usually means exactly what it meant then....a funeral. and yet, they
sure were a good lookin' crew. and it was so good to see his son so
happy.

wow, what a mix you see at something like this......
death, new life, kids grown into men, men growing older.......
there was a lot whirling inside of me as i watched.

leaving his house yesterday and heading home, i went to say goodbye
and give him a hug. and this.....this moment......was when i felt the
love the most......

mid-hug he teased me about my shoes. i like his teasing. he feels like
a brother to me when he does that. we laughed and in mid-hug i hit
him on the back.

forget the hug, i hit him instead.

and right at that moment, i felt the love for him the most.

we had already shared the teary hugs, the gentle talks, the offers of help....

it was the laughing and the teasing and the playfulness that moved me the most.

there's something about laughing and joking when you're hurting and sad.....
there's something so incredible about that.
i think cause you can't just do that with strangers.
you know, REALLY do that.....
there's got to be some kinda relationship there......

and in its own way, it's one of the most beautiful forms of intimacy.

i really think so.
and i love that when that happens.

i held the moment, cause death always reminds me to do that.
hold the moments. and appreciate the moments.

and i did.
and as i turned to go, i looked up at the sky, thought of his mom
and smiled her way. she'll live on in the laughter.

what a cool thing is that?

that's where i want to live on after i go.....in the laughter........

for our inner child stuff....

2012-01-25T06:33:00.000-05:00

this is for anyone who works with their inner child.......

if you can take a moment and think about your past,
and all that that little girl missed out on.....really think about it....
really hold it........

'her beauty had never shone so bright before.
when i realized what she had missed,
all that had been lacking,
and i saw how still -
STILL -
she was so beautiful,
i knelt down,
held her,
cried,
and loved her more than i ever had before.
i would help her see it -
i would keep seeing it,
and together we would grow.'

good stuff

2012-01-25T06:30:00.000-05:00

and since i'm sharing stuff....and just so you know, i'm back to reading
a little bit so i'll be back to sharing as i go!! here's some golden nuggets
from clarissa's women who run with the wolves.......

'nothing makes the light, the wonder, the treasure stand out as well
as darkness.'

thud.
wow.

then she talks about going about in the and through the darkness...
carrying 'an age old message that says, 'do not fear 'not knowing.'
in various phases and periods of our lives, this is as it should be....'

'...so maybe we stumble around in the dark for a while trying to
find what calls us, but because we have managed to not talk ourselves
out of being summoned by the wild one, we invariably stumble over
the soulskin.'

ahhhhh good stuff to remember as we stumble along.....

sharin' stuff..

2012-01-25T06:24:00.000-05:00

here's stuff for ya....did i ever say where i got that last stuff about allowing from?
i'm sorry. it's from 'daring to trust' by david richo....as is this......

'our survival needs are about comfort; our emotional needs are about challenge.'

woe.
woe.
I LOVE THAT!

and then....

'unfortunately, we are not equally geared to having healthy relationships.
so we have to work on making intimacy and other growth needs a priority
because our body has survival mode as its primary default setting. this explains
why we might stay in a relationship that is not working: we imagine that we need
it on a survival level. with healthy boundaries, we make a choice for personal
happiness and sanity. we then no longer believe we need a relationship in order
to survive.'

just thought that was awesome....had to share.........

needs

2012-01-24T07:01:00.000-05:00

i stumbled on something last nite that just made me stop in my tracks.

i was reading about our needs. how we have the need for safety and
security and how early on that's, of course, met by others. and he talks
of that being our 'elementary level ingredient of our development.'
and goes on to say that in full maturity, it becomes our own inner resource
that fulfills our need for growth.

okay. good. cool. then he talks about our need for self actualization.
and how that requires being given the time, space and resources to become
who we are. ...'our higher needs include making full use of our gifts,
finding and fulfilling our calling, being loved and cherished just for ourselves,
and being in relationships that honor all of these.'

then he goes to say these get fulfilled by what he calls the 'five A's' -
attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing.

ohhhhh what a great list. first thing i do is go to my relationships and do
a check...am i offering the five a's? and THEN....how about with MYSELF?!

ah, right there's enough to think of for a life time...

but we're not done....

he goes onto describe the 'allowing' part of the list, and THIS is what
stopped me in my tracks -

1. we are free to show our feelings without being interrupted, punished
or ridiculed for them.

2. we have full permission and encouragement to declare and live in accord
with our own deepest needs, values and wishes.

3. our path is smoothed for us by caregivers who protect AND launch us
so we can make our own choices and move out and on when we are ready.

wow.
wouldn't you love to sit in an auditorium and ask how many people got that
as a child?
or maybe not.....maybe that would be sooo sad to see how few hands went up.

when i read that i just sat there kinda stunned.
and i thought about my past. and i thought about my now...and i thought about
how i need to pay attention to that now and really truly give this to myself.

sometimes there's nothing else you can do but give it to yourself......
and don't you think that's a pretty powerful thing to do?

a good catch....

2012-01-23T06:38:00.000-05:00

wow, i'm reminded this morning of how much awareness it takes
to live fully.

man.
oh man.
oh man.

here's the darn kicker - i figure it out by watching someone else offer
only part of themselves.

wouldn't it just be nice if i could sit back and say 'man, they just
aren't gettin' it....this whole deal of truly living what you want to live.'

wouldn't that just be so much nicer than noticing that in them,
turning to look at yourself and going 'ooops.'???

suddenly, they don't matter at all anymore.
cause you see how you dropped the ball.

i see this morning how the intentions have been floating away....
slowly and quietly....but drifting off.

not enough that they're gone.
and i see it now, so that'll help.
but STILL.......

i see this - and this is something i think we all need to be so aware of -
i see myself thinking i'm doing something for a good reason, yet being
lazy about it, not being fully present, being distracted and doing it half way.

darn.
and yet.....i'm thrilled i'm seeing it.
cause i haven't slipped so far away this time and i know i can just catch
myself and turn myself around.

thing is.....it takes AWARENESS.
and i was just kinda groaning to myself that that can get tiring.
awareness is work and tiring, i whispered to myself.

thing is.....i don't think it really has to be.
i think that's something i tell my lazy self so that i can kinda give into the laze.

it hasn't been work and tiring lately.
it's been rejuvenating and the source of great laughter.
ahhh, perhaps the trickster is alive and well inside of me tryin' to turn
me to the lazy stuff.

i wonder why?

why is it so easy to slip off the awareness path? why is it so easy
to tell ourselves that's just too much work???

have no idea...but i know i do it.
and i caught myself this morning by looking at someone else.

i tell ya, anytime i look at someone else, i need to look right back at me.
cause i truly have yet to come up empty on something i could tweak in
myself.

and this is a good catch.
cause i really don't want to lose so quickly what i found so recently.

i want to keep my eyes on my intentions, live with awareness, and offer
what i offer with all that i have. at least for a few more days...

also ourselves

2012-01-22T09:26:00.000-05:00

so i had this pretty strong dream that my guy left me.
i could feel all the emotions in the dream.
it was strong and powerful.
i woke up glad it was a dream, glad i had a day ahead with him,
and totally motivated to appreciate him.

i didn't feel like the dream was a 'sign' or anything like that...
i wasn't worried about our relationship, and i was a little surprised
i had it. but i was appreciative that it happened.
cause anything that boots me into gratitude is a good thing.

well, as if i needed any more encouragement about appreciating what mattered,
we went to see the margaret thatcher movie. which we both decided wasn't
about margaret thatcher, but about a woman at the end of her life, having
to look back to where she had been, see where she was now, and ultimately -
clean out her closet.

exactly my kinda movie.
and as i watched, i thought of my life.
and i thought of what it was gonna be like if i was the survivor and i had to
say goodbye to my guy. for real.

between the movie and the dream, i couldn't have appreciated that man of mine
more. i held his hand thru the movie, and snuggled in close at different parts.
best thing ever about the movie theater is the arm rests go up and you can
scoot close. i felt his hand in mine and treasured it. we didn't have to be there
together. and i knew it.

later, i put a few pieces together and saw what probably brought the dream on
in the first place. nothing about my guy, all about my own insecurities. and i
got a little worried i'd never get past the darn things. i thought of the dream.
i thought of the movie.

in a blink, it's all over, ya know?
i truly truly want to have lived fully.
and as far as i can tell that means loving fully.
and what i got, after awhile, yesterday, was that my gosh, yes, it's the ones
we care about so much we gotta show our love for...
AND...AND...AND it's also ourselves.
by golly, it is so also ourselves...

grateful

2012-01-20T07:51:00.001-05:00

it's a stevie morning. (see post below)

i was listening to some stevie as i made my bed this morning.
he's got this song about traveling down the road with a friend.
and as i made my bed, i thought of my own travels with my own friends
and family.

some moments flashed thru my head.
we were talkin' about stuff and he was fiddlin' with a tag on my clothes.
just fiddlin' while he listened.
i was aware of it, and knew how precious it was.
not everyone can fiddle with your clothes when you talk to them.

they were in the kitchen when i came up all animated with a story
that grossed me out. a personal story you couldn't tell just anyone,
but i could tell them......and i did with gusto. when i heard myself
say 'ohhhh gross!' and just laugh and laugh with them......i was aware of it.
i knew it was one of those goofy family moments.

when i was talkin' to him on the phone and choked up and he called me
back a few minutes later about it, i could feel the bond between a mom
and a son. and i held it.

i'm lucky....for some reason i notice the moments. and i hold the moments.
not sure if everyone does. i hope so. cause it's an awesome feeling.

i listened to the song. to the line 'god it's good to be travelin' together again.'
and i thought of how quickly it all goes.
and how good it is to be together.

feeling incredibly grateful this morning......

enjoyin' it while i got it!

2012-01-20T07:43:00.000-05:00

it's no secret....stevie ray vaughan is a hero of mine,
and i credit him for being the catalyst for the explosion that
changed my life -
he woke me up and made me want real.
he woke me up and made me want to touch the source,
to live my passion....to live.

the other day i went off on a passionate rant with a friend of mine.
he misunderstood something i was saying, and i was trying to convince
him he had it wrong. and i went off about my passions and what i
believed about the bone sighs.
we were on the phone, but i could still see him grinning when he
interrupted me mid-rant and said 'terri. terri. terri....i believe you.'

i stopped, smiled and then laughed.

the passion is back.
ha! the passion is back.
it was kinda cool to see it at that moment with him.
he's been with me with bone sighs from way early on.
and he's kinda symbolic to me anyway. so it was a pretty cool
moment.

it was so there in the beginning........
and then it got hit and tugged and pulled and rolled over,
and covered in dirt and everything you could think of.....
and i lost it.

not all of it, mind you.
but the stuff that could light my being up and fire up a rant in
a heart beat....the stuff that when i went walkin' out my front door,
i'd think 'i'm filled with passion, baby.' that stuff got lost....

and it's back! and i'm thrilled that it's back.

what controls the cycles? what makes it come back? what makes
it go away? why can't you just grab it back when you want it?
i don't know. i go round and round with all that. and i try hard to
make it all 'work.'......but it seems to have a bit of a life of its own.

i want it to stay this time.
forever.
yeah.
i really do.
so, okay, maybe it won't........
and maybe that's a good thing too.....
cause because it left once, i really know how precious it is.
and i'm treasuring it big time right now.

sharin' again...

2012-01-19T08:54:00.000-05:00

this is on the back jacket of a book i grabbed off my shelf yesterday.
i read it while sitting at a red light.
and my eyes got big and i went 'OOOOooooohhhHhhhHHhhhh' out loud
in my car.

"Trust is our best path, but discernment in how we place our trust is crucial.
All of us have been lied to, deceived, or let dowin in some way. Yet we can
remain heart-centered while proceeding with caution, and we can develop
greater resilience in the face of life's inevitable rejections and disappointments.
Only two qualities can get us to that point. First, building inner resources so
that our safety and security lie stably within ourselves; second, developing
an unconditional yes to life as it is."
.......david richo - daring to trust

woe.
i really liked that.
the first thing i loved was how he just put out there we gotta build our
inner resources so that our safety lies withing.
bam.
i always think that....but sometimes it seems impossible.
and bam. he just puts it out there like it really can be done!
yes! i love that!

and then.......and unconditional yes to life AS IT IS.
yeah.
yeah.
the 'as it is' part makes sense to me now.
before i don't think i would have even noticed that.
or i woulda figured 'of course' without even thinking about it.
that's a big big part of that sentence.

loved this!~
wanted to share....

talk about a partner.....

2012-01-18T20:08:00.001-05:00

and since i'm gonna indulge myself and sleep in in the morning,
i thought i'd post one more here to kinda be like my morning posts.

the trust.
(see post below)

that line.....
trust is the door to the magic that is the scent of god.

trust is the door.

trust is the door.
i want to go further and further thru that door.

i have someone i trust.
i have someone i can work on trust with.
i really really can.
that's no tiny gift to have.

and when we finally connected today and he asked me how my day was,
i said 'here's the nugget -' and i launched into stuff that was whirling
inside of me about trust and the god stuff that i talk about in the post
below.

and i continued on....about how i trust him. and how i know i can
explore trust with him. and how we have so much further to go and how
i want to work on it with him.

i have someone who can help me learn how to go further and further
thru the door......

and one of my resolutions this year has been to dance and celebrate
my blessings.

talk about a blessing.

talk about a journey.
i have said all along that he teaches me love.
and i have said all along that love is god.
and now.....i want to really travel with what he can teach me.

talk about a partner.

dancing and celebrating and packing my backpack....
we've got some exploring to do.....

a cool drive home

2012-01-18T20:02:00.000-05:00

don't ever get me talkin' about god stuff.
cause then i get to thinking about god stuff.

driving home that's what i was thinking about...
cause we had talked about it a little bit.
along with a buncha other things....
and i was trying to put it all together and make some
sense of it.

the buncha other things and god stuff. how'd they go together?
i was thinking how hard life was. how everyone's got so much
gunk and pain and sadness and STUFF.

and i kinda got this visual of all that stuff being like big ol'
black blocks. black cubes.
stacked on top of each other and around in a line kinda.
and how that's what we focus on.
BUT! that's the wrong place to focus.

i got to thinking of how the 'god stuff' shows up around the cubes.
the god stuff's the 'magic.'
the magic that happens when we trust.

i got this line, which i don't know if it will make sense to anyone else,
but it flipped me out - 'trust is the door to the magic that is
the scent of god....'

the scent of god.
ohmygosh.......

so let me try to land and focus here.......

you've got this stuff......and this space around this stuff.
and if you can step into this space (which happens when we let go
and trust - really really really trust....and sometimes-most times-
it's just for moments) then you hit the magic.
and that's what can and does whirl around the stuff.
but we mostly don't know.
we have to step into it to know it.
and when we do........
we find the scent of god.

cause that's what it's like.....i think.........
just the scent......
cause truly.........we have nooooooo idea of any more than that.

and it's all about the space around the stuff.
NOT THE STUFF.

this was just like such a cool drive home for me.......
had to share.

blown away......

2012-01-18T18:02:00.000-05:00

someone posted this on facebook, and i gotta tell ya,
i'm stunned. just stunned.

when i was a teenager i worked with autistic kids a bit.
i sucked at it. had no training, was really scary and just didn't
know what i was doing.

i look at this and just cry. if only i coulda somehow known.....
and for all the people i've missed and the opportunities i've missed.
this is about as big an eye opener as you get.......

had to share. figure the more eyes open, the better.......

it's about an autistic girl who finally finds a way to communicate.
check it out here....

hope matters

2012-01-18T07:22:00.001-05:00

this blog has always been about searching, growing, sharing...
that kinda stuff.
i keep politics and that kinda thing off of it.
that's not what it's about.

today i mention SOPA.....not because of what it is...altho i feel
strongly about it...but because of the black outs goin' on today,
cause of the google doodle i just saw....cause of the tiny tiny
spark of hope that gives me.

i don't remember ever feeling so hopeless about the state of things
in my country. but that's not what the post is about....it's about
that spark of hope i felt this morning. it's about thinking sooner or
later we're gonna have to find our voices and grab them back and
start shouting.

sooner or later. but it looks like it'll be later. yet i still felt a tiny
spark of hope this morning......

and i thought of us......women in particular....but anyone who's had
a rough time. and how from an outsider's eyes looking in, it's way
time to shout and scream, grab your voice and push the garbage aside.

but it doesn't work like that, does it?
it takes the one in it a whole lot longer to see.
it takes the one in it a whole lotta getting pushed around.

but sooner or later......it happens and we grab our moment.
i thought of that this morning.
and i remembered 'the process.'
there certainly is one.
and we gotta trust that.

i'm throwin' this out there this morning as a reminder for both
the personal and the world processes...we can't lose hope.
hope matters.

and i needed to remember that this morning.

mullin' around

2012-01-17T06:52:00.005-05:00

so i was thinking about the martin luther king jr. quote that you
saw everywhere you turned yesterday (including my own facebook page)
the one about needing light to drive out darkness.

i thought of that on my walk yesterday and all during the day.
i thought of it in terms of my own 'inner predator' (see post below...
or maybe two below...)

i thought of that inner predator inside me as the darkness.
and that the way for me to do something about it would have to be
with light.

i've thought of the whole 'embracing' stuff i hear along the road....
you know....embrace your fear, embrace your anger...that kinda
stuff. and that stuff makes sense to me. those things are actually
some kinda signals to pay attention to. they're not trying to hurt you.

embracing the inner predator didn't feel right.
because it DOES seem to be trying to hurt me. it doesn't feel like
a signal for me to pay attention to, like fear or anger. it's different.

and so i wondered how does the light tie in?
well.......first thing i thought of is i don't have to try to kick it (my
inner predator) to the moon and hate it.
i can just look it in the eye and say 'that doesn't work here.'
that's different than hating it. seemed much more light-like.

and that seemed like a start.
so okay. good. i can try that idea.
but um...wait a minute....
i can't look this thing in the eye and tell it that.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

oh yeah.
so why can't i?
cause it feels soooo much stronger than i am.

and i know that's cause it comes in when i'm feelin' weak.
it doesn't come in when i'm feeling strong and confident.
nope.
when i'm feeling weak and easily unhinged.

okay. so i don't think it's about wrapping the ol' inner
predator in light. i think it's about GROWING the light
inside of me. so those weak spots get stronger.

i looked at the two weak spots - both spots are spots
i stand in where i don't feel good enough.

so i have to work on growing there.

so okay...HOW??

i thought of this on my bike this morning.......
what are light things to grow?

first thing i came up with, and didn't get beyond was trust.

oh yeah. trust is light stuff.
for sure.

if i trusted.....REALLY REALLY TRUSTED those weak spots
wouldn't be so weak. well, they wouldn't be there at all. but let's
face it, i'm not gonna get there instantly.....so we'll start with they
wouldn't be so weak.

that brought me to trust.
how do you grow it???

it's a big circle, i think.
you gotta believe in yourself.
and you gotta know things will work out.
hmmmmm......
for me that is a really dangerous slippery slope.

what happened to me before is i trusted things would work out
if i worked hard enough. and it turned into something that i had tried
so hard to leave behind - it turned into some kinda belief in a god
who rewarded you for doing good.

that's not my true beliefs.
so then when i realized i built my life there yet again, i crumbled.
and i'm wary of that slippery slope.

but it's not that, i thought.
it's trusting YOURSELF to do what you need....and when you
really get there, there's a space, i'm certain of, that's magic.
that's the god stuff......
there's a space you can step into.

but the minute you start looking for it, you've lost it.
trust isn't trust if you're expecting a reward.
jeesh.
trust is just trust.
trust is living. not getting.
truly living.
which is getting.

it can get pretty zennish i think.
once you've looked for it, you've lost it.
once you've let go, you get it.
that kinda thing.

and i'm pretty darn sure gratitude has a lot to do with trust.
i think maybe because gratitude keeps you focused in a good spot.
gratitude keeps you moving forward.
it keeps you out of the murky shadows.

it's those shadows that grab you and pull you under into self doubt and
stuff like that......

so where the heck does this ramble leave me????

actively trying to grow the light stuff.
yeah.
i think that's it.

knowing that growing light is my tool to help me face the dark.

becoming more aware of trust and gratitude and where i choose
to live my moments. that kinda thing. easily said. sounds pretty,
sounds noble and cosmic.....and my gosh, so easily forgotten
and lost and muddled.

and because i'm so good at forgetting and getting lost and muddled,
it just means i have more room to work in! more opportunities every
day.

and when i start to feel the self doubt rollin' in....maybe i can really stop
and be aware. pull in some of the light....that kinda thing.

worth a shot.
and so i try and try again.

echoes and laughter

2012-01-16T08:18:00.001-05:00

ya know how you get that echo on the phone sometimes?
and you know how you can't concentrate cause you keep hearing
yourself talk?
i've had that plenty of times and when i have to, i talk thru it,
and just say what i gotta say and go.

but yesterday was different.
it happened with a call to bob.
i heard it right away and immediately started making noises.
and then i laughed. and then i laughed some more cause my
laugh made me laugh.

then i figured i'd annoy him terribly so i offered to call him back.
and when i called him back i still had it and i could hear my laugh
and it soooo made me laugh to hear my laugh.

honestly, i'm a compassionate giving person because i got off the
phone as i couldn't concentrate and he didn't need to sit there
and listen to me play with my echo.

but i coulda played with it for hours.
i really could have.
and my laugh....oh my gosh......it so made me laugh.
it was contagious to myself!

and i've been thinking about that -
i loved to hear it.
and i know sometimes when i laugh it comes from the
little terri part of me.
i want to hear THAT laugh!!!
i can hear it from inside - but i want to hear it from the outside.
don't have a plan on how to do that.
but just totally love that i could hear my laughter.

what if we could all hear our own laughter??
i bet we'd laugh more!
i'm gonna be listening. it's not quite the same from
the inside...but it's a start......

looking

2012-01-16T06:46:00.002-05:00

got on the treadmill thinking about people runnin' from lookin'
at themselves and what's blocking them and stopping them from
living fully.

we do it all the time.
and having just had a conversation with someone who just stopped
short and said 'i'm not sure i really want to change.' it's been on my mind.

i thought of all the places i could see it, including my own self.
of people just dropping the ball. not wanting to look.
and i got to moving along there on that treadmill thinking 'i don't want
to do that.' i mean, seriously, WHAT are we so afraid of?
doin' the work gives us the gift of really living. it is SO worth the effort.
and having made a little progress, i can truly see that and trust that.

so okay, ter....where do you need to keep at it?

and right away, i knew a part of me that totally grabbed me this weekend
and pulled me under the murky waters. i believe clarissa pinkola estes
calls it our 'inner predator.'

and my gosh, have i got a doozy.
i totally laugh when i think back and think i didn't even realize i HAD one
when i first heard the concept.
oh my gosh.
have i got one.
it's so dark and cunning and LOGICAL.
you wanna trip me up, throw logic at me, and then i don't know which end is up.
i totally doubt myself. cause how can you argue with logic??
self doubt fills me and i figure it must be right.

it comes in and tries to destroy my spirit.
it seriously feels like a whole separate part of me just walks in and takes over.

so i thought about it as i did my thing on the treadmill.

it seems to show up when something i'm sensitive about gets hit.
i think maybe actually more than once.
like one hit on a sensitive spot isn't enough....but two hits will open the door.
this time the first hit came from me not feeling like i fit in,
second hit came about my finances.
double whammy.
door opens.
in walks this dark cunning inner predator.
and it goes for my light.

it truly does seem to just go for my light.

and i don't even feel like i hand it to him....yeah, it feels like a 'him' to me.
i feel like i just kinda dissolve.
and the worst thing ever happens - i get really angry at myself for being
the way i am.
i turn on myself.
i so completely turn on myself.

how hurtful is that??

wow.

i so want to look at that. and i so want to stop doing that.
i don't deserve that. at all. i just don't deserve that.
and to do it to myself......wow.

i know this happens, i know i hate it when it happens, and i know i make
it thru, it goes away and i continue on.

this morning is the first time i've tried to figure out when it shows up.
the first time i've looked at what exactly it is i do.
why is that?

i need to start looking at this stuff.
because it doesn't have to work this way.
i can change it.
i'm not sure how.
but i know i can.
but i gotta know what's goin' on before i can change it.
and yeah - something i've learned along the way -
i DO want to change.
i DO want to grow.
i DO want to live fully.
even if it takes some hard work.
cause what the heck is the point if we don't???

sharin' josh

2012-01-15T18:34:00.002-05:00

sharin' josh's blog.

thought it was a good one.......

check it out here.....

treasuring the epic....

2012-01-15T09:08:00.000-05:00

someone came thru and asked if we had a valentine for widows.
wow, did that kinda slam me in my face.
and no, we don't.
but i sure hope to create at least one this week.

i've actually thought about it a couple times..
not the card....the losing your mate stuff.
i can't imagine what it would feel like to lose my partner.
i mean, i know one way or another one of us loses one of us.
i know that.
but the thought is so hard.
living it must be incredibly painful.

and relationship stuff is so darn complex.
i've been afraid of mine from before it even started.
how weird is that?
i lose the fear, do great, then get scared again.
i'm a lot less like that little prairie dog that needs the
back door to run out of. i was certainly that when we
started. i've lost that.
but still there are times the fear sets in and i think that
maybe truly, really, i'm better off on my own.

until recently when i thought i lost my partner.
i saw what a good chance there was of me losing him.
and i think that really knocked some sense into me.

i think it took all those times where i ran to the 'i would be
better off on my own' thoughts and slammed me and showed
me what i'd be losing.

i have never worked so hard at anything in my life.
because it's not just our relationship i've been working on,
it's been a whole lotta inner growth. because unless i'm healthy,
we can't be healthy. and of course, the same goes for him.
and it's been more work than i ever coulda imagined.

yesterday when the guys landed in my living room and asked
us how our day was, i smiled and said 'epic.' we all laughed.
but i meant it.

the work we have done pays off. pays off big time.
the closeness and love can be epic between us.

epic.

no kidding.

and one day, one of us is gonna look at a valentine for a widow/widower
and understand just exactly what it's talking about.

every day there's messages that come landing on my lap or on my nose
saying 'pay attention, this is important.'

today's came in the form of a greeting card request.
we don't have each other forever.....
it's a gift.
i need to know that every single day.

clapping for all of us..

2012-01-14T09:18:00.001-05:00

i had the absolute delight to be taken to the kennedy center last nite!
a friend bought tickets for her, me and another friend to go to see billy elliot
for a christmas gift!

ohmygosh, talk about the present you'll have for a lifetime!

the entire thing was a tickle. from the moment we heard we were going!

i cried, i laughed so hard i doubled over, i clapped with all i had, and
i joined in with the whole audience for the standing ovation.

the part that totally gave me goosebumps is when billy takes his power back.
he's from a mining town, wants to be a ballet dancer (yeah!) and of course
that goes over like a ton of bricks.

there's this part when he goes screaming up to his bedroom and then the
stage goes dark then the music comes on really loud and the lights go to
red and zingy and the music is blaring thru you and billy starts running
and dancing for all he's worth, ya know??

he was taking his power back. and i swear, i got goosebumps and was
totally aware of every woman in my life that's ever come thru that has
taken her power back, of every guy i've seen do that, and of myself.
i was completely captivated.

and then....bam....there was a glitch in something and they dropped the curtain!!

no kidding!
we were actually worried the guy playin' billy got hurt.
but he came back full force, so maybe it was something with the set.
i have no idea.
but bam! right in the middle of that.

it definitely took the zing away from that number......BUT! it was STILL
my favorite part of the whole show.

it's when he got pushed and pushed and told he couldn't do it and had his
dream taken away from him - that's when he burst and found his power.

i wanted to put that out here today.....as a reminder......
sometimes that's what it takes.....
but when we find it.......my gosh......the red bolts of thunder come
crashing thru........

and then.....everything doesn't change overnite.
it takes awhile.
years even.
years and years even.

but that's okay.
cause the changes are happening.

that's what i took out of that moment in the show.......
and i feel such gratitude for my own red bolty zingy crashing
time in my life........

it sucked to go thru, and yet, it's one of the best things that
ever happened to me. when i stood there clapping at the end,
i think i was clapping for everyone one of us who has taken
our power back and everyone of us who will be doing that
soon!

choose it...

2012-01-13T07:14:00.014-05:00

'choosing to believe......'
i like that phrase.
cause that's what we do, right?

we CHOOSE to believe whatever it is we're believing.
sometimes i forget that.

so if we're choosing to believe it, are we acting like it???

that's my big thought for the day. or question for the day.

that brilliant man of mine wowed me with a quote years ago
that has been hangin' on my wall since -

'once you've made your choice,
it becomes a matter of trust.'

i thought that was brilliant.

i look at that almost every single day.
and it always always seems to catch my eye when i've stepped out of trust
and am in the muck and mire of doubt.

i don't know if it relates to the first thought in anyone else's head or not....
but to me, it does.

once you choose your belief, go with it. believe it.
trust it. and act like it, darn it.

it seems like such an easy concept.
jeesh.

i wonder why i lose it all the time?

doubt creeps in.
i truly think doubt is one of our most serious downfalls.
or one of mine, anyway.
so i've been thinking about all this when the quote of the day comes in -

“ dance with me,
grieve with me,
laugh with me,
sit quietly with me.
i am your life.
live me. ”

i can add more...

choose me.
believe in me.
trust me.
and for pete's sakes, live like it.

a marvel....

2012-01-12T06:44:00.000-05:00

i do believe i'm gonna end up sounding like a
born again intention believer! i just want to shout this to the rooftops!

started with this stuff in november and still rolling...
and i know i bring it up over and over again.
but it's just a darn marvel to me.

a darn marvel!

yesterday i set my daily intention to be to move thru my day with happiness.
then i made a point of asking my inner child part to be with me.

this was all after part of the day had already happened.
and before i could even set the intentions -
someone covered me with their ick.
they're having a really hard time, weren't feeling well,
and well.....just kinda covered me with ick.
i could feel it.

i walked into my house and just kinda tried to fling it off of me.
was still kinda stuck on my skin when i sat down to set
my intentions.

and i sure didn't want to feel the ick.
i wanted to move thru the day with happiness.

and i found some stuff to laugh about.

i swear, they are NOT kidding about laughter being the best medicine.
ya know, i think we've heard that too much and just think that
means laughing is good.

i'm starting to wonder if laughter might just be the darn healer of healers.

so i'm goin' along laughing and someone really rude comes thru.
really rude.
okay.

there was a time this kinda thing woulda gotten to me.
not this time.

little terri stepped in and started jokin' with zakk. i knew she
was there when she used the word 'meanie.'
and i started laughing.
zakk jumped on board in his zakk style and really got me rollin'.

i found myself working at my desk all alone laughing out loud.
and once again, laughter changed everything and kept me going.

all day i thought of the intention. i thought of little terri.
i wanted to make my valentine i send to friends. inviting her to
come join me, we made the valentine together.

i'm kinda stunned how i'm directing my day and my mood.
and how i can keep an awareness goin'.
i'll completely forget what my daily intention is.
i'll completely forget it. but i have it written right on my desk here.
so i keep looking.
oh yeah.
oh yeah.
let me do that.
and then i do it.

it's just a constant start/stop/start thing.
i figure i'll get smoother.
but truly, as unsmooth as it is, it's doin' wonders.
can't even imagine what it'd be like to be really smooth about it.

i haven't set my intentions today yet.
gonna take a walk and think about it.
but i tell ya, it's like a darn game.
you can actually take your days and make them into a darn game.
what a fun idea!

merry go rounds and paths...

2012-01-11T06:53:00.000-05:00

the listening idea from yesterday (see post below)
hasn't left me. i keep thinking about it, watching it.

and this morning, this bone sigh popped into my head -

maybe when you really love yourself you can see beyond that self -
and then maybe you never give yourself away. maybe you just give.

and i put it together with my listening thought.

and i was getting all inspired to be present.

when the quote of the day came thru -

'it wasn't her deal,

it was theirs, she thought.

only this time, those weren't just words

to help her detach.

she WAS detached.

it was truth.

and she danced with delight

in her freedom.'

the YEARS it took me to get to the place in that bone sigh

were filled with a lotta hard work. to know what's yours and

what's not is a big big thing. and the freedom that can come with

that is tremendous.

and it seems to me that listening, being present and giving ALL

require me to be clear on what's mine and what's not.

actually, i think truly living requires that of me. (us).....

i just walked upstairs to go get my jacket, and i heard music down
the hall - the guy was singing 'merry go round and around. merry go
round and around.' and it was repeating.

and i smiled.

that seems like what life is when you can't figure out what's yours

and what's theirs. it all goes round and round and round in a big

circle. but when you can make that distinction, and then do all the

other stuff - really love yourself....give without giving yourself away...

truly listen and be present....it seems like maybe we get off the

merry go round and get onto a really cool path.

thing is, it doesn't seem to be a solid thing that stays there.

not for me, anyway.

i can be on the path for moments and then back on the merry go round.

back and forth i go.

but i think, i truly do think that it's something we can get on and

stay on.

i'd like to.

quiet down, ter.....and explore........

2012-01-10T06:50:00.000-05:00

we were talking about the depths of things inside us.
i've got some stuff deep inside me that affects things i do.
i know this, and yet, i probably really have no clue as to how much so.
but i do know this.

and i know it's not just me.
and some people have really big things that color so much of what's
goin' on in their lives. sometimes seriously crippling the lives they lead.

i think i've never really gotten past the point of understanding that much.
i don't think i've ever tried to go any further with that. maybe because
my hands are full enough trying to figure out what to do with my own
deep stuff. i certainly am not qualified to help anyone else figure out
their deep stuff.

but what about that deep stuff? what are we sposed to do with it?

there's a thought whirling around inside me this morning.
it started with the idea of listening. truly listening.
that's a topic and about twenty blogs all in itself. i was gonna
snag a great quote on listening, but there's so many i just didn't know
where to start....all of them ringing with how listening is something
golden that can change the world.

i thought about the deep stuff that can be so far deep inside of us
we don't know what's goin' on. and i thought about listening. and
i thought about the sacredness of listening.

what if an in-depth understanding of what's driving another person
isn't necessary to sit and talk about that very thing? what if in-depth
listening is? and what IS 'in-depth' listening?

i remember i used to have conversations where i 'left.' i could feel
it happen. i wasn't there anymore. i was so completely present that
it was like there wasn't a terri. there was something beyond. and
i'd hear myself talk and hear the words and think they were cool thoughts
and they'd be new to me.....they were just kinda out there in
the world and by being so completely present, they came thru me.

i remember understanding that i was completely present and when i
was done, i had felt like i 'touched the source.'

i haven't done that in years.
wow.
i think my listening skills have gone way downhill.
and i have a hunch that in truly listening to another, you open the
doors to healing.

maybe we don't have to understand how it all works.
maybe we don't have to be trained in psychology to truly help each other.
maybe when we enter that space that's opened by truly listening with
no agenda at all but seeing the other...maybe then we enter another place.
and maybe that other place has healing just waiting for us.

i have no idea.
none.
just the hunch that there's a sacred world right in front of me that i'm missing
by the noise inside my own head. and i think i'm ready to quiet down for a bit
and explore.

epic

2012-01-09T06:49:00.001-05:00

sometimes i just feel happy with us. and i just see how good we are for
each other. and how with the deep down stuff, we really are so alike. even
tho everything on our surface is way way different.

and sometimes i feel so frustrated and yeah, hurt.
or unseen. or something that feels really hard to get thru.

and these feelings go back and forth up and down and all around.

but there's something that happens when we work thru the hard stuff that
is beyond either the good or the hard - and i get a grin on my face as i
search for the right word and come up with 'epic.'

yeah.
i laugh.
it's epic.

there are moments i think that no one has ever experienced a love like this.
and yeah, i laugh at myself.
cause doesn't everyone feel like that when they're in love with someone?

but no, no, this is different, i argue.
and the i laugh again.
doesn't everyone argue that?
yeah.
silly grin.
i think they do.

so, how about this? for my life, my experiences, my existence on this planet
so far, what's between this guy of mine and me is epic.

and that doesn't mean it's easy. it's ever flowing into wonderful things.
ohmygosh, not by a long shot.
it means we are so incredibly human, flawed, and wounded and thru all
that stuff that we drag along with us, we so want to touch the love. and
together, in moments when it just doesn't seem like it will happen, it does.

that's the part that's epic.

we have all those really good, happy moments where you touch love.
the easy parts. we have those too.
but in the moments that hurt, that confuse, that open up the wounds and
make you bleed again....those moments where you don't think love can
really be.....we find it.

we find it. and we offer it. and we return it. and we become it.
it is those moments that our love is epic.

and in reflecting on that this morning, i am reminded of the dance between
darkness and light. it's so much deeper than i can understand. but i'm
starting to watch and see and accept that it's deeper than i know.

searching together

2012-01-09T06:34:00.001-05:00

because of bone sighs, and just my personality in general,
i tend to talk to a lotta people about what's goin' on inside of them.
i thought that the big thing for me to pay attention to there is balance.
and it really is a big thing to pay attention to.
more than once i've crumbled under the weight of it all.
so i try to pay a lot more attention these days.

but as i get ready to step into some serious talks with a guy
who thinks so differently than i do, and is someone i just so wish
i could wave a wand for and make things better...i realize that
there's another thing equally as important as balance for me to remember -
and that's trust in the each person's process.

i very much want to head into this conversation with, 'look,
this is what i see. it's really obvious. if you just see this, it'll all
be okay.'

oh, yeah.......that's helpful.
like that'll go far.

so as i got on the treadmill this morning, i thought about it.
i just want to 'fix it' for him. and i know that's gonna do him
no good at all if i bring that attitude to the table.

so what attitude should i bring?

how about a trust in his process.
wouldn't that also be a big trust in him?
i do that with some of my women friends easily.
they may be going thru the hardest stuff of their lives, but i can stand
on the side and watch cause i believe in them and their process.
i know they're going where they need to go.

so i thought about that and why the difference in feeling this time.
and i have reasons and answers to that.....but doesn't matter...
cause i think the best thing i can hand him is the trust.
and truth is, i'm not sure how much i have here.

and so once again, reaching out to someone else helps me in my
own process. amazing how that works.
because noticing a lack of trust is a big thing.
figuring out why and working with that is a big thing.
growing your trust is a big thing.

something i wanted to work on this year was noticing how i worked -
how i reacted, when i trust, when i don't, why i do the things i do.
cause that seems to be necessary to understand in order to make the real
changes i want to make inside.

i smiled when i got to all this. cause something i've noticed about
these conversations i have. it's the ones where i'm searching and growing
as well that bring in the magic.

sitting down to learn together gets a whole lot further than 'look, here's
the answer.' which works well cause even when i think i have the answers,
oooops, i missed something. and besides, searching together is a whole
lot more fun.

pass the tea, we have talking to do....

hormones or progress...who can tell???

2012-01-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

is it possible all of last year prepped me for this year?!
would that not be the coolest thing?!!
(is that an extra 'not' in there???)
'wouldn't that be the coolest thing' is what i'm trying to say!

i'm just sittin' down to dig into some work today.
it's sunday.
and i'm totally tickled to grab some time and get to it.

and totally grateful.
and my energy is up.
and i feel goooooooooood!~

i WANT to set the alarm clock tomorrow and get moving.
i WANT to exercise, and try a little harder and push a little more.
i WANT to eat right and stay away from the junk.
AND i WANT to work today!

it's not cause i 'should'....it's cause i WANT TO!
ohmygosh.

a corner has been turned.

i worked all last year towards this stuff.
could it be that it's actually kinda worked its way into me???

or could i just be on a hormonal high and it's all gonna crash by
wednesday???

sigh.
that could be too.
that could very well be.

but who cares?! cause i feel good!
and i want to start shouting to the heavens when i feel good.
i think that's a worthwhile plan.
the more we shout the more it'll spill all over us.
i think so, anyway.

and somehow doesn't that make room for all of us to feel good?
i don't know......but i think it might.

who knows.
but this i know.....
embracing the good can't be bad.

the art of intentions

2012-01-06T07:34:00.000-05:00

intentions.
intentions.
intentions.

they just won't leave my mind.
and i'm so darn grateful for that right now.

so i lived a month of intentions without realizing i was doing that.
and my whole life got flavored extra great because of it.
and i figured i'd grab the coat tails of that, and ride along with it
this month. and i'm floored at the difference in my life.

but now....i see there's a whole 'art' of intentions.
of course there is.
isn't there an art to everything???

i've been doin' the daily intentions this week as a new years thing.
well, if intentions worked so well, let's incorporate daily intentions.
and yeah, that's fine.
but it's just like every other time i tried to 'use' intentions.
ho-hum. it's okay.

it's not like this zizzly zazzly stuff from last month. it's different.
WHAT'S the difference??? i keep wondering.
and the zizzly zazzly stuff is still there. but i know it's not from
the daily intentions.

so i don't know.
i really don't.

but what comes to mind is the intentions from last month,
and the ones that are still with me right now.
they are really general, but mean a lot to me.

the easy example is the first one i started with way back in november.
'i want to have a festive season.'
i REALLY REALLY did.
there had been too many past heartaches.
i wanted to just be FESTIVE.
thing to look at, i think is - i REALLY wanted it.

i wanted it enough that when i got landed flat on my back with some
hard stuff, i still kept my eyes on it.

bam! that's it, i think!

sometimes when things hit me hard, i want to wallow in it, or i want to be
angry, or i want to be sad, or i want to be anything but happy. i WANT
to react.

i mean, seriously, why else would we react?
we want it somehow.
and sometimes, when i'm real aware, i'll see that, know i'm choosing
whatever i'm choosing that's making me unhappy, but won't have the
strength to pull me out of that.

i don't have my eyes fixed anywhere but on the problem.

this time around, my eyes were fixed on the things i started listing -
festive, magic, laughter.

i didn't just think they'd be nice.
MY EYES WERE FIXED ON THEM.
and so was my heart.
so was my heart.

so.....there was some stuff mixed in the holiday season that sucked.
which is really great as i can look back at that and see how it all
went. when it happened, it sucked. trying to fix it sucked. so there was
sucky times in the holiday season.

but i wanted festive. so the sucky only stuck around for as long as
was necessary to figure it out, work thru it and go on. there wasn't
dwelling. there wasn't making it ruin the holidays. there wasn't making
it all what life was about.

it sucked.
i moved on.
to festive and laughter.

oh.my.gosh.

it's where my eyes and heart are focused.
and hello, terri, isn't that what intentions ARE?!!
focusing your eyes and your heart??!!!

daily intentions are nice. fine. good. yeah. uh huh.
and they're nice reminders for me. and i've been using
them as reminders.

but unless i focus my eyes and my heart on them,
they're just reminders.

i've seen my life enhanced with this stuff.
i've seen it.
i'm experiencing it.
i want to learn the art of it.
because truly, what an important art it is!!!

here's the kicker to it, that i think really needs looking at -
if you focus your eyes and your heart there, it has to be REAL.
you have to really want it.
and sooooo many times we trick ourselves about what we really
want.

we say we want happiness, while we hang on to the anger.
we say we want love while we hang on to the fear.
all that stuff.
and we aren't always honest with ourselves.
at least i'm not always.

so to be good at this, you have to really look at what you want.
and be honest about it.

nothing like learning an art that grows your soul.......
i am so in!

just plain ol' happy over here....

2012-01-05T09:57:00.001-05:00

i'm happy right now.
and i want to honor that, write about it, and enjoy every second of it.

2011 was a hard year for me. even tho i got engaged!
that was such a highlight....but nothing seemed easy, doubts filled my
head a lot, and it was just plain ol' hard. finances and work ate at me
all year.

landing into the holiday season and stumbling on living with intentions
for a month really made an impact on me. i saw how those intentions
kept me focused and kept me from spinning inward in ways that aren't
good for me.

bob and i worked really hard at our relationship last year, all the way
up to the end of the year. and when the new year dawned, i felt like
we got somewhere. somewhere we needed to get. i feel a sense of relief
between us going into 2012.
and that work that we do together, inspires me to do a lot of inner work.
and somehow everything mixed together with those intentions, and
i feel like my head is in a good good spot right now. i feel relief, excitement,
and joy.

i came down to work this morning. my house is goofy and just not heated well.
and any heat i manage to get goin' seems to make it's way up to the attic.
which works good for noah and zakk's work day, but leaves things
pretty chilly here where i am.
i was gifted one of those microwave scarves...it has things you microwave and put
in the neck area and some hand warmer things that i slip in my sleeves at
my wrist. i've got slippers on, leg warmers on, several layers of shirts and i
throw a warm blanket over my lap. oh yeah...and i wear fingerless gloves!
there are moments it feels warm enough to take some of that stuff off, but
i usually work from morning to nite so sooner or later the chill comes back
and the stuff finds its way back on.

this morning as i wrapped the microwave scarf around my neck and slipped
those little thingies inside my sleeves....it felt so good. and i bopped down here
to work feeling like the luckiest person alive.

and then i stopped myself. and laughed.
you can't even heat your house right, terri. you have a blanket on your chair
to stay warm....you type in gloves.....your heating bill is a ton and yet you
still are cold. nothing's better with your finances, work is still all up in the air
for you. you have no security. and yet you're going to work down in the chilliness
with joy??? really gus???

and i smiled.
yeah.
cause i'm happy.
and that's where my head is.
in happiness.

i have my own house. and yeah, it's too hot in the summer and too cold in
the winter....but it's mine. i have a blanket and leg warmers and all kindsa cozy
things because bob gave them to me for xmas. i have someone who loves me.
i have a studio that's calling my name. i have a place that i work all day with
stuff i love. i have a pellet stove down there warming up part of it all and that
feels so good to go get next to during the day.

i'm happy.
my head's in a good place.
i want to live and trust and love and do what matters to me and believe in that
being enough. i want to bask in the joy of working so hard thru my personal
demons last year that, at least for now, i can feel progress. i want to enjoy
having a man in my life that is a man i admire and just plain ol' like... a man who
can actually do the work with me and hang in there....

i have a family who bears with the different room temperatures of the house
and roots me on with what i'm doing.

i have everything.
and i know it today.
and i'm happy and i want to embrace that as much as i can.
i want to dance with my happiness when it shows up.
i want to celebrate its presence.
and i want to honor all that is good in my life.........
and, that just happens to be one of my intentions i've been workin' with.
how cool is that?!

squeezin' your hand....

2012-01-05T07:55:00.001-05:00

i've got hands on my mind.

the beauty and awesomeness of hands.

remember how when you were a teenager,
you saw flaws in every part of your body?
or at least i did.
some hangups i've dropped along the way -
like i'm okay with my elbows and wrists now.
i'm so laughing as i type that!
i actually didn't like my elbows and wrists at some point!
ohmygosh...
and yeah, i still have a lotta body hang ups i need to work on.

but something i've always liked, never had a problem with -
have been my hands.

i noticed yesterday the power of my hands in the visual i had
standing there with little terri....the hands were a big part of it.
i went back to that a lot thru the day.
i thought about all the big stuff in my life - the good and the bad -
and i saw my hands in the memories. they always play a part.

i'm a toucher.
i like to reach out and touch people.
i'm the one who touches your arm as i talk to you.
the one who puts her hands on your shoulders as she walks
behind your chair as you sit there.
the one who reaches over and pats your leg.

thru all the cyber connections i can't touch people.
so i visualize reaching my hands out and touching theirs.
holding hands.

i thought of my writing......
i have a piece called finger tip -

finger tip to finger tip, i long to reach out to you. to put the palm of my hand against your skin, i close my eyes and imagine you’re here –
and i wait for your return.

there's a part in the piece called 'i want,' that means a ton to me......

i want to fill with compassion and touch someone's face so gently that they can feel the caring in my fingertips.

hands....they reach out in joy, pain, sorrow, caring, happiness....
they open wide, they clench, they grasp, they massage, they caress,
they slap, punch and pummel, they tease, they soothe, they hold,
they scrub, they write, they carry my engagement ring, they paint,
they dig, they work, they play and they touch love.

somtimes, when i'm very lucky, i can feel love buzzing right in the palm
of my hand. i really really can.

i'm in love with my hands today. i'm like a baby who found her feet.
well, i found my hands! i want to hold your hand, and hers, and his,
and theirs. i want to squeeze it and grin at you and let you know i care.
i want to slap your leg with laughter, and rub your arm with love.....

i want to touch the world today.
fingertip to fingertip.....

dreams, visuals and walks

2012-01-04T07:44:00.000-05:00

okay.
that dream was weird.
and icky.
filled with ghosts from my past.

but it inspired some thinking...
which inspired some visualizing...
which had me standing hand in hand with little terri.

we had chosen our life. and we stood there facing it.
and so many people who had been in my life walked up to
where we were standing and kept on going. right past us.
then they sorta fell outta that patch we were on. like they
were falling out of our lives.

one after the other.

and i pictured little terri's face. and i pictured my face.
and the tears were streaming down our faces in the visual -
and down my face for real.

i squeezed her hand. tight. then i played with it a bit.
squeezed it in some sort of beat to make her smile.

we still had each other.
and that feeling just welled up inisde of me.

and then....the coolest part of the whole thing was lifting our faces.
we lifted our faces, chins up, forward...
like we were proud of who we were and where we were goin'.
and that feeling welled up inside of me.

i took this visual out on my walk and thought more about the dream.
the dream told me i was still believing the ghosts more than myself.
that i still followed their thinking a lot.
that i still tried too hard not to make waves.
that they were still part of my life.

i've been watching that lately, and knew it.
but the dream put it in pictures that i could really hold and see.

the visual gave me something to counter it.
standing there holding little terri's hand and squeezin' it and letting
her know she didn't lose me, was really powerful this morning.

i've been missing her a bit.
she's been getting bumped around and i think went into hiding.
i'm feelin' her again, and i'm seein' the work i need to do for her.
and i'm feelin' really ready to step a little further down the path -
chin up, head held high.

it's our life. hers and mine.
time to leave the ghosts behind - once again.

reaching up......

2012-01-03T07:47:00.000-05:00

winter is hands down my favorite season.
and it finally felt a little wintery this morning.
the guys continue to run, so i've decided to get out there again too.
and i tell ya, it feels glorious! it is totally where i need to be.
and i'm so grateful to be out there again.

i looked at those bare tree arms against the sky and i just soaked them up.

ever since i was a kid, i thought that was a profound sight.
seeing those tree limbs just reaching up to the heavens...
it would just fill me with such awe that kinda just soaked right down
inside of me...and that feeling has never left me.

yesterday on facebook, i asked people what the best thing that
happened to them in 2011 was. and the whole range of answers
came in.....from love, to sobriety, to finishing goals in the faces
of huge challenges, to surviving.

knowing some of the stories that were behind the comments,
i truly felt humbled as i sat there and read them.

and they filled my mind as i walked and looked at those bare tree arms reaching...
reaching to the sky...to the heavens...to god.
and i thought of all the reaching that was done behind those comments
that i read. all the struggle and darkness and all the joy and happiness.
there was birth mentioned in those comments and love......good stuff
along with hard stuff.

reaching, reaching.......all the arms reaching......for help, in happiness
and joy, in fear.......

the whole mix again.
i keep noticing the mix.

i decided i didn't want to 'conquer' my day today.
i wanted to watch it, live it, enjoy it, and reach to the heavens in
all kindsa ways today......but especially in gratitude.

definitely especially in gratitude........

our year in review...

2012-01-02T10:19:00.000-05:00

noah just got our 'year in review' up on the site.
it's terri style...a total ramble.
but if you're in the mood,
come on by and check it out!

sharing......

2012-01-02T06:46:00.000-05:00

i started a 'curl in and relax' book.....
it's called 'a secret gift' -

the guy is writing about his grandfather who gave secret donations
out in the depression. i haven't gotten very far yet, but i'm looking
forward to this one.

this hit me a lot and i wanted to share......
he's kinda mixing back then's depression with our economy now.
mixing the greed of both times, the government bail outs....all that.......

'But it was the smallness of B.Virdot's gift - a mere five dollars -
that was its magic, not an act of governmental grandiosity but
a gesture of human compassion.....'

'It was precisely that, it's puniness and its purity, which gave it its
trans formative power, then and now. it was too small to put even
a dent in the Great Depression but just enough to fend off the sense
that no one cared and nothing could be done. For one moment, in
one forgotten town, one man managed to shrink the vastness of the
Depression to a human scale.'

i thought it was something to really hold........
about the light we bring into the world........
and i wanted to share.......

trusting the blue.....

2012-01-02T06:38:00.000-05:00

i got sad last nite.
blue.

just blue.

there were several reasons for it.
and i was just blue.

i went up to sit by the christmas tree and work on my
intentions and resolutions and i thought about how it was
kinda cool to bring the 'blueness' to that.

cause what i'm trying to shoot for as goals need to be things
that will withstand the blue periods. so it's kinda cool to
bring that mood into the mix and see how it fit.

and somewhere in the middle of all that, i stopped myself and
realized i was using the blue mood.
i was trusting it and working with it.

ha! go figure.
it's not just the good moods i'm trusting.......

what a really cool thing to see.

back at it....

2012-01-02T06:34:00.000-05:00

wow.....
my body really wants to know what hit it this morning.
first an alarm clock???
then exercising??

well...barely exercising......more to come tho.
but my body was in shock on that treadmill.

ohmygosh.......
i can't get over how it feels like i've never exercised a day in my life.
and it's not like i was ms. limber running twenty miles a day when i started out.

actually, it's kinda cool to see, cause i never really felt 'fit'.....
but now i see how just UNfit i can really feel.
so while never 'fit'......definitely more fit than today's unfit.

and there's a point to this ramble while i wait for the light to go
OUTSIDE FOR MY WALK! (yes, i've taken them back!!! -
well, with the help of my sons....)

i'm thinking the inner work is the same as the outter work.
you keep at it and you don't realize how 'fit' you are...
or maybe more like......how UNfit you really can be. but if
you stop and just go lazy...it's not the thing to do.

i've got a ton of catching up to do....inner work, outter work,
and work work.

it's gonna be good to catch up......

here's to it all......

2012-01-01T10:07:00.000-05:00

it was one of the best days of the year.
it truly was.

headin' down town to see one of the coolest exhibits i've ever
seen, was an extra treat as josh was with bob and i.
the banter between those two just makes me laugh and shake my head.
it was light and fun and happy. exactly what the doctor ordered.

the exhibit - a room completely transformed into a magical fairy land,
hit the 'little terri' part of me i had been trying so hard to find the last
few days. she was there, wide eyed and completely present.

i reveled in all the feelings that were going on inside of me.
and for a little bit there, there was no question in my mind that magic
was indeed part of life. it wasn't even something i questioned -
i just knew it. and i knew little terri was right there with me.

coming out into the air and heading towards the car, i didn't
even have words for how much the exhibit thrilled me.

we stopped to see the MLK memorial.
and carved on the walls where you could walk around were some of
his famous quotes.

when i got to these two, i just stopped and took them in.
i thought of all the stuff that happens to me that knocks these beliefs around
inside of me - and then i tried to imagine all that dr. king had seen -
and i wondered how he could hang on to these beliefs.
and i just stood there in awe at that idea.

i believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love
will have the final word in reality. this is why right,
temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

darkness cannot drive out darkness,
only light can do that.
hate cannot drive out hate,
only love can do that.

i knew these were two quotes i wanted to take into the new year with me.
josh walked by, saw me standing there and stopped and read them with me.
he stood and held them with me. and i felt so lucky to have him for a son.

driving home, the laughter filled the car up until it almost burst.
there was mentions of stomachs hurting from laughter,
and i leaned against bob with total delight as josh drove along with
such a smile on his face.

there was a sharing of hearts over a much needed lunch. an opening and
a vulnerability that if a family's really lucky, they can share when one of
the group is hurting. he had come sad, and unable to smile. he left still
sad, but the last thing i heard from him was a laugh as he got in his car.

there was popping in on the neighbor's party and shouting to be heard
over the festive ruckus and feeling welcomed into their extended family,
and feeling the bond of being neighbors so long and watching our kids
grow up. hugging him happy new year, feeling grateful he was here and
workin' hard to fight his illness.

and then to return to the quiet house and have zakk goof in such a way
that i almost fell outta my chair laughing. only to welcome the new year
in moments later.

the old year ended with such delight, such love, such a sense of family.

and, oh yeah, even in that incredible mix, there was some stuff that was hard.
bob had to leave early because of it. and i felt sad watching him head out.
and yet, i knew it was all part of it.

the incredible mix.
it was still there. right smack in the middle of one of the best days of
the year. right smack in the middle of the last day of the year.
and here it is, right smack in the middle of the first day of the new year.

that's life, isn't it?
and how lucky we are to head into this new year, with the incredible
mix of it all. the laughter, the hugs, the teasing, the sadness, the craziness,
and the hard stuff we just can't quite figure out........

here's to the new year...
may we hold every part of it as sacred.
happy new year!

ideamensch

2011-12-30T12:28:00.002-05:00

mister mario of ideamensch included me in on his features today.

i'm tickled and sharing........

if you have a moment.
and seriously, you know the stuff about me already if you read this
blog.....so skip that part and go check out the site and mario!!

here ya go!

the infamous clipboard....

2011-12-30T07:58:00.000-05:00

this morning, in my head, i could see my dad standing there
with his clip board, asking me if i've figured out my goals for
the new year.

that was his thing. goals and a clipboard.
and he was cute about it. and he was totally serious about it.

what an interesting visual for me this morning.
cause i've been workin' really hard on my business goals,
but it's my inner child part that's screaming at me right now to
pay attention.

and there's my dad with the clipboard.
seemed kinda interesting to me that visual popped up this morning.
i guess it's too late to climb up in his lap and ask him to
put seeing me and loving me as his goal. would i ever have had the nerve
anyway? probably not.
and that's the deal.
but i'm here.
so what do i put on my clipboard?
i'm the one here for that part of me that needs seeing and loving.
it's my job now.

i'm very aware of the new year coming up.
i heard myself on all the holiday calls with friends and family asking
me about business. it's been on my mind, and it pours out when asked.

no one asked how my inner child was doin'.
and what a great question that would be!
i have to remember to ask other people that.

so i turn to this list - filled with business ideas and goals.
and oh yeah, the personal ones are on there that i like to keep
in mind - the healthy eating and exercising....

but doggone it, there hasn't been one thing for little terri.
and i gotta say, it hasn't been the smoothest season for that part of me.

which may be good.
cause she's carryin' on something fierce inside.
and maybe, just maybe that part of me should be top of the list on
that ol' clipboard. maybe dancing with her and playing with her
and loving her the way i've wanted others to - maybe THAT'S
what should be on top, ya know?

seriously.

why hadn't that even entered my mind?
cause i think that sooooooo needs to be there.

it's new years. and unlike a lotta others, i really DO like the resolution
idea. i really do like the goals and the shooting for things. i always have.
i like the fresh start and the trying again and all that stuff. i like the memory
of my dad and his clipboard and his lists and his talking pros and cons with
me. i think he even had different kindsa goals he'd talk about. you know,
some are easier than others and some you may not make but it's good to
try for....that kinda thing.....goals were a whole science to that man. and
i got his love for them. i really did.

altho, i can picture him cringing with the whole inner child thing.
and it makes me laugh. that wouldn't have been okay to put on the list.
and maybe there's some secret glee in that too....cause she's goin' on
the list big time.

and today i'm gonna spend some time figuring out just how that's gonna work.

it's a new year. it's a gift to be held with gratitude and respect.
and for me, it's a gift to do all i can with.
and that's the mood i'm goin' with as i grab my pen and paper.........
and maybe a crayon or two too.

everything's a process....

2011-12-29T07:50:00.000-05:00

i have a little slip of paper right here on my desk.
my computer was acting up, not starting right and taking
a bit longer to get goin'.
so i sat here and read the note. it's a clip from a blog i posted recently.
something i didn't want to forget -

'don't focus on the negatives, focus where it will do you good,
relax in that, trust that, and watch the magic show up.'

hmmmmm.....

i read it again.

and again.

and i watched my insides.

they weren't in with the whole idea this morning.

and i watched that.

wow.
i have been working with that kinda stuff all month.
intentions, focusing in positive places - all that.
and it's been doing marvelous things in my life.
really good stuff.....

and yet, this morning i want to just crumble the note, toss it in
someone's face and say 'oh yeah?' and make a raspberry noise.

and yes, i've had enough sleep, exercised this morning and i've been
eating fairly right. so what's the cranky stuff about?

three's this theory that everything is either love or fear.
so it's kinda obvious that's not a reaction of love.

so, okay. it's fear.

and i think of the whole 'turnin' my ship around' post from yesterday.
i can see the progress. i can see all the work and all it's led to.
i look up from the computer into my kitchen......
the room just oozes warmth and love.
i know what my life is filled with.

and yet i want to crinkle this note and toss it somewhere.
and i want to toss it with a good amount of ooomph.

i lean my head on my hand and think about it.

i close my eyes and admit it.
yeah. it's fear.

and i don't have the energy right this minute to not be afraid.
but something i learned this month - i don't need to focus on it.
i look at my desk and all the cool things i gotta do today.

i'm gonna go do those things. get lost in those things.
enjoy those things. feel the good in those things.
and let the fear be for now.
and then later, when i have the energy, i'm going to turn
towards it and have a conversation with it.
cause i'm gettin' a little tired of it.
it's time we talked.

only not just this moment.
this moment it's time i got a little strength up and got a
little more centered.

everything's a process.
even getting to the conversations with fear.
and i'm gonna trust the process.
including the cranky part of it that wants to toss inspirational
notes across the room.

turning the ship around...

2011-12-28T07:45:00.002-05:00

touching back in after a whole lot of goofin' off....
with still more to come.
but maybe a couple of days of landing back to earth here.

and i've been thinking about this time off that i've had.
and the tremendous things that have been going on.
it's been tremendous. that's a good word for it.
but you see, it's not all 'perfect.'
it's not all 'happy.'
and i feel a need to say that.
cause when i tell people how great it all is, they assume that means
perfect and happy and sometimes they think that's what my life is.
which totally makes me laugh. and then somehow it makes me sad.
because it takes the depth away from it all.

my life's full of happy. it is. and i rejoice in that, embrace that and will
shout that out with joy. i want that and am so grateful for that.
it's also filled with all kindsa other things.

what it is, i guess, is 'living.'
fully.
it's full of fullness.

i sat and thought about it this morning.
and i thought about it as i did some chores this morning.

this thought ran thru my head - 'you've finally turned the ship around
and it's finally heading in the direction you want.'

and i grinned.
bob's been using the ship turning example with me a bit. and how it takes
a long long time to turn those big ol' ships out in the ocean around.
and how it goes slow and sometimes it feels unnoticeable, but it's turning.

i thought of that with my life.
i thought of that with everything that's happened over the past few days.
cause the holidays aren't just an isolated little dinner celebration of fun.
there's so many thousands of strings that go along with a holiday.
and all of those thousands of strings vibrated for me this holiday in one
way or another.

i thought of how i've been workin' on turnin' this all around for over ten
years now.

and how we (or at least me) think if we make a change, things change.
bam.
and how i don't realize the years and years it really will take for changes
to truly happen. how changes involve so many different deep things inside us.

what i've wanted to change are things so big i had no idea how to change them.
and in making those changes more things added on top of that. so at some
point i'm looking at a heap of beliefs, thought patterns, habits, shames,
humiliations, grief, struggles and doubts that i somehow have to turn around.

and i know more than once i've thrown up my hands, plopped myself down,
cried, and quit.

only to wipe the tears, brush myself off, and try again. all the while mumbling
that i have no idea how to do this.

and somehow - thru the muddle, and the trying, and the forever turning my eyes
back to what it is i want - the ship has turned itself around.

i do belief it has.

that doesn't mean i think i'm in for all smooth waters.
ohmygosh, not by a long shot.
it doesn't mean i won't have the self doubts and the shame.
nope. it doesn't mean all that.

but the difference is the direction i'm moving in.
what i notice about this holiday season for me is the direction i've gone
in thru the whole thing - including the moments that hit hard and hit me
back into the ick - including the moments where i sat covered in the ick -
always always i've looked towards the love.
and the couple times i got confused on which way to look this season,
there was someone i loved deeply right next to me being my compass.
and always, always, i've headed towards the love.

the changing your life doesn't happen with a divorce, a death, a trauma,
or any one event.

it's all the steps you take over and over and over again. all the falling that
you do over and over into the mud. the changes happen as you wipe
yourself off even tho you have no idea what you're doing and where you're
going. the changes happen with each person you add to your life who
affirms you and sees who you are. they happen every time you face your
fears, every time you cry from your depths, every time you cover your
head with your blanket - and then slowly take the blanket off. every time
you choose love over anger. every time you stretch farther than you ever
thought you could, every time you reach for something beyond you....
every bit of that and more bring the changes. so slowly, you won't even
notice. so agonizingly slowly that you don't think it's happening.

until one day, you notice.
the direction is different.
the love is there.
the real stuff is all around you.
and you have indeed turned your ship around.

and so...

2011-12-24T08:26:00.000-05:00

and so it is christmas.......
i'll be off goofiin' with my family.

this year is the first year in a whole lotta years that i'll be
with my sons on christmas day.

i've spent a lotta christmas days alone, and i know the feeling of
being sad and lonely on that day.

if there's anyone who's reading this who's on their own,
and feeling sad and lonely, the guys and i are offering a 'chat'
to hang out a bit and just let you know you're not alone.

if you're interested, we're doing it on facebook.

i'm trying to make it 'private' so i'm actually making a list of people
who are interested and want to join in. then i'm adding them to
the chat.

it's just a typing thing. not a voice thing.
so we'll be typing back and forth and goofin' around a bit.

if you're interested and already a friend of mine over there, just
holler and tell me and i'll add you to the list. if we're not friends
yet, come on by, friend me and tell me you want in.....and we'll add you.

it's at 1:00 eastern time.
come on by and say hello.
and know that you're not alone.

it can be a hard day for sure.
but it can also be a day of remembering the magic and that connections
happen in the strangest ways!

merry christmas.........

look at that one!

2011-12-24T08:17:00.000-05:00

between the three of us, we're not so good on directions.

but zakk had his gizmo that would get us there - only it

might need recharging - we weren't sure how long it'd hold out.

'just give me the exit and a street or two in case it goes out,'

i told him, in my most practical voice.

he turned around from the front seat.

it was dark.

all i saw was an eye.

'you really want me to?' he asked, the eye daring me to live

on the wild side.

what the heck, i thought. this could end up really funny.

we actually did find the place so smoothly it was totally unlike us.

and we knew we were close when we got stuck in a line of cars.

'this must be it!" i squealed.

the guys kept sayin', no, couldn't be.

had to be something else.

'how could it be something else??' i demanded from the back seat.

'EVERYONE wants to go see lights tonite!'

we looked around at the cars surrounding us.....

hmmmmm..........well, maybe those people.........but not those people.....

hmmmmm.......

and sure enough......EVERYONE wanted to go see lights.

(well, 'cept for those people over there)

it was packed.

the people giving tickets and taking canned food had the

spirit of christmas in their voices.

we had just gotten our ticket and i was already thrilled!

just to have the air puff outta those people's mouths as

they smiled and said 'merry christmas' was enough to put

me in the mood!

you drove thru. you don't stop or get out of your car.

you're sposed to keep your headlights on, but we didn't

know that til we got home and looked at the brochure.

noah turned them off, thinking it was courteous. but when

he almost missed the road at one point and almost took

out that cone with it, the headlights made a little sense.

the lights were cheesy. oh so cheesy. and i loved loved loved them.

we were goin' maybe two miles an hour and i kept hollerin'

'slow down, noah! slow down!'

'look at that one!!!'

'ohmygosh! look! she's throwing a snowball at him!'

and at the same time zakk and i watch it and say with

the same tone -'SPLAT.'

i laugh, clap with delight and head to the next one with

my eyes. 'wait! what's that one??'

over and over again.

i loved every moment of it.

i carried on in the car the whole time.

zakk and noah put up with it and laughed with me.

the place was packed.

car after car after car.

the guys had no idea what exactly this whole thing was when i suggested it.

and they were kinda taken by surprise.

and the fact that it was pretty cheesy but still all the people were

coming.....

yeah.

everyone's coming to see these.

cause there's something about lights.

there's something about lights in the darkness.

there's something about a gingerbread cookie that's hopping up

and down on a trampoline...

there's something about joy.

and there's something about sharing it with people you love

who are all crammed in a car together......

i loved every minute of it........

bringing me back....

2011-12-23T07:59:00.002-05:00

so okay, it's not all about my inner seven year old (see post below)
or......the thought strikes me just this moment as i type, 'maybe it is.'

i ended up facing a big ol' tough demon iniside myself last nite.
i was thinking just now as i type - maybe everything comes from my past...
the good and the bad.......
but nah, not everything.
just a whole lot.

so i'll rephrase that - 'a whole lot is about my inner seven year old,
and my inner 13 year old, and yes, even and very much so, my
inner 40 year old.'

quite possibly my deepest and biggest button got hit recently.
it's a process that i don't recognize right away, and also, maybe
it's a process that isn't really all that 'clean' where you can just
see it 'bam' right there.

whatever, the deal......i did manage to see it after a bit.

and i gotta say, the clarity in which i started to see it was exciting
even tho the feeling was lousy.

i wanted to be in a certain place in my heart.
and not only was i not there....
i didn't feel like i was even inside myself.
i felt like i had 'left' -
and i was watching myself want to be somewhere, knowing i wasn't,
figuring out why i wasn't, but with no way to get back.

i literally felt 'beside myself' -
counseling friends have told me that when we get hit hard, we can do
a slight form of 'dissociating' where we actually kinda 'leave' and we
actually do stand beside ourselves in a certain sense.

that happens to me.
i can feel that happen sometimes.

and, yeah, i think i was there, and i was watching.

and i could figure the whole thing out -
and i could feel the demon right there.
'this is my demon.' i thought.
'this is it.'
'you can't leave it here running the show'
'you gotta get past it.'

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
i KNEW

but how???

another thing about this bein' 50 stuff......maybe i'm gettin' more
patient with myself....
i didn't rip my hair out, pound on the table, and insist that i get it
together RIGHT NOW.
i leaned back and wondered how on earth i'd come back.

and there - between my not pushing -
and my partner's not pushing -
together, we made this 'space'
and when i looked at his amazing face, i just felt the space.

and there was room to gently start coming back.

he held me as i told him what was goin' on.
he just held me and reassured me.

and i found my way back.

i don't know how to conquer this demon.
i don't have a plan.
but i do see something -
it's gonna happen by my love for another.
by my believing in another's love for me.
and it's not gonna be easy.
but i'm pretty sure that's where the healing will be found.

which brings me right back to my thoughts about love -
and how i have no idea what this love stuff really is
and what it really can do for me -

and it brings me right back to my partner.
and how i've got a partner strong enough to be there while i learn.

and it brings me right back to the season of darkness and light.
and how it's a forever dance inside and around us of the two......

and it brings me back to the idea that maybe that demon of mine isn't one
to conquer - maybe it's one to dance with......

and it all brings me right back to gratitude......

the eve of christmas eve.........

2011-12-23T07:28:00.001-05:00

uh oh.
i think everyone in my house is in trouble.

my eyes popped open this morning and the voice of
seven year old terri squealed "IT'S THE EVE OF CHRISTMAS EVE!'
and i hopped right outta bed, turned on the rockin' xmas music
and danced down the hall in my jammies.

as far as i knew, noah was brushin' his teeth, zakk was awake in his room.
as far as i knew, both could hear me just fine as i danced and sang
outside the two closed doors.

i think both those guys may know what's coming.
as neither opened their door.

not to be discouraged, i danced back to my room, danced with
my pillows as i made my bed and found anything red i could wear
in my closet.

IT'S THE EVE OF CHRISTMAS EVE!

and while the bumps have still been all thru the season
this has been the best season i've ever had in my whole life.

and at 50 i've finally figured out it's not about christmas eve
or christmas day.......they don't matter at all.

thing is...i think my inner 7 year old doesn't know that....
and i think maybe she'll be bouncin' around just a bit today!~

keep those doors closed boys, cause she's loose and she's
gonna grab you and make you dance and bake and celebrate today!
IT'S THE EVE OF CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!!!

perspectives and sunrises...

2011-12-22T06:47:00.000-05:00

it was dark and rainy.
driving home i thought of how the intentions and focusing don't make
everything all rosy.

nah, they don't.
things still happen that sting and feel bad.
i still wrestle with disappointment.

but it gives me something to actively do with all that.

the disappointment that things don't go just like i want -
take that part -
what about the 'twisty turns' i added to my christmas list?
what about how things twist and turn and go ways i can't
even think of? what about it's a ride that works better when
i don't hang on too tight and i let it take me instead of trying
to force the other way around?

so i drove and felt a little better.
i thought okay, focus where it matters, keep it all in perspective.

it gives me something to do and to head for.

and then i rounded the corner to my neighborhood.
up at the top of the street where i'd turn were a buncha flashing
lights and cars backed up.

my stomach got sick.
i had tried to call noah a few minutes back down the road
and he didn't answer.
i detoured into another neighborhood to turn around, grabbed
my cell and called zakk.

he answered.
they were fine.

i hung up the phone, took a deep breath and detoured into
the back way into my neighborhood wondering who wasn't
fine at the top of my street, and feeling the whole perspective
thing sink right in to a deeper level.

i'm a little worn out this morning.
but i know places to go to rejuvenate, starting with the sunrise.
just from my front stoop....that's enough for this morning.

it's choices, ter.
i'm gonna start with the sunrise and go from there.

intentions

2011-12-21T07:47:00.002-05:00

shhhhhhh....don't tell.....
i ran outside to meet the guys this morning.
i couldn't stand it.
just couldn't stand it.

it felt SO good to be back out there.

i needed it.
i don't think i can stay away, but i'll figure that out later.
one day at a time.

this morning, i just didn't want to stop myself.
and it was the perfect way to start my day.

i was aware of what i was doing, chose it with relish
and said that's what i want to do today.....choose with relish.

i've been workin' on this intention stuff all month.
and i gotta say i'm totally surprised at how well it's working.

it's cool cause it's not some kinda 'rosy fix' for life. it doesn't
make everything all better. there's been some lousy stuff mixed
in and that doesn't go away.

i'm just conscious of what i'm doing with my thoughts.
for me, it's been working well.
and yesterday something happened and the whole day got
taken to a new level for me. and i'm pretty sure it's because
of the working on the awareness stuff.

so, talk about egging me on.
i'm gonna keep on workin' on this!

last nite i sat down and wrote about my day. and i called
it 'my day.'

josh walked in and said hello and asked me how my day was.
i lit right up. 'you wanna hear???' i giggled with happiness and
he pointed out that my feet were wiggling with delight!
i grabbed this and read it to him -

my day

whispering her intention to the sky
and placing it in her heart,
she stepped towards it.
soon she found it had surrounded her.
watching it from the inside out,
she became part of it.
understanding this was the sacred,
she wanted to be part of it forever.
knowing that she was already,
she prayed she'd remember and
that'd she'd dance with it often.

i wonder how much of this i will really be aware of?
how much of this will i really dance with?
how much of this will i embrace?

intentions. intentions. intentions.
i have many today!

putting the stuff down....

2011-12-20T07:58:00.003-05:00

fatigue had set in last nite, and my mind was goin' to places i didn't want
it to go to.

i'm catchin' on a little bit, realized that being really tired was gonna
do that, and so i went to bed early. got a good nite's sleep...
but still woke up a bit funky.

i printed out a long email that i knew was gonna be gold, got on
my bike, and warmed up while reading the note.

sure enough, it was gold. it made me cry, made me think, and
moved my spirit.

i put the note in my bike basket and looked out the window.
'i'm not sure i can not be out there' i thought, looking at that morning.
i'm totally missing my walks.
'i'm just not sure i can do this.'

i got off the bike and opened my window.
the bottom half where the screen was.
i got back on.
realized i should open the top half of the window with no screen.
then i could at least feel like i was a little bit outside.
getting back off again, i redid the window.

ohhhhh yeah.
much better.

hoppin' back on the bike, i focused my eyes on that sky.

all the things that were making me feel funky whirled around me.
i pedaled and named them as i pedaled.
cancer, bad marriages, dysfunction, narcissism, miscommunications,
rape, losing people, cruelty, fear, death, violence...all this stuff that had been
whirlin' around my world.

all this STUFF.
all this stuff stuff stuff stuff.

i pedaled and pedaled and thought about how this stuff was all over
the place.

i wanted to pedal into that sky. i just wanted to BE IN the sky.

and i thought about my own sky inside of me.
how that's where i needed to focus today.
all this other stuff would always be out there. always.

i wasn't sure i was ever gonna feel like getting off that bike.

but i did.
and i went up to my window and stood on my tip toes
so i could get a good look out the open top part.
and i leaned there, looking up at the trees and the sky
and i whispered, kinda with desperation - 'please god,
let me focus on the things i need to focus on today.'
and as soon as i whispered that, i leaned back a bit and
could feel this sense of peace. it just came over me.
and then.....
and right then......
i noticed something funky with the branches in the trees.

i can't describe it, cause it wasn't really there.
it was a trick of my eyes...
it's something i saw once i relaxed and just looked.
it was this really cool look the branches had.
something really artsy and zebra like. yeah zebra-like.
and yeah, it doesn't matter.

but it caught my attention and i started focusing on those
branches. what's that? i've never seen them look like that before.
look at that!

and then i got it - just landed right there inside my brain -
don't focus on the negatives, intentionally focus where it
will do you good, relax in that, trust that, and watch the magic show up.

i closed the window, changed my clothes, and thought about that.
'sounds real nice ter, but that's a pretty big challenge because of all the
little things pinging at your attention today - all the little things that will
eat your day away....and your heart.'

'then i take the challenge' i thought back.
and i'll keep looking at the sky inside me today.
and maybe i'll keep those zebra-like branches in mind today as well.

there's magic everywhere.
and there's stuff everywhere.

today i want the magic.
today i choose the magic.
today, over and over again, i will need to put the stuff down.

twisty turns

2011-12-19T08:05:00.000-05:00

bam! she's flat on her back in awe.

i finally went to sleep. (see post below)

and then i had a really gory icky nightmare.

my experience with those has been that they're worth looking at even
tho i want to squeeze my eyes shut and pretend they never happened.

and so i made my bed and thought about it.
and sure enough.....i gasped when i figured out parts of it.
just gasped.

and i saw how much there was going on inside of me about certain things
in my life. and before i could even wrap my head around it all,
i found myself writing about it to a stranger. to someone who had
ordered a bone sigh for the first time...and because of a snag with her
order, we ended up writing each other a few notes.

what was in my dream related to something she told me.

and the tears came to my eyes.

because i saw all this hard stuff inside of me isn't bad.
it's not bad.
it's the stuff that helps me understand the pain of others.

it's the stuff that urges me to share my feelings about not letting
the dark win.....it's the stuff that drives my wanting to offer light.

it was amazing......when i got up this morning, i reminded myself i wanted
festive this season, and that i had a choice to turn to festive. and i was good
with that and ready to do that, even tho i was feelin' a bit shakey.
and then this whole dream interpretation and sharing with someone i didn't know
took place......

i hadn't even been up half an hour, and i realized festive was gonna be easy
today. because within half an hour the connections we all have, the amazing
twists and spins of the universe, and the callings of my heart were blazing all
around me and reminding me that life was truly incredibly stunning. even with
the icky stuff scattered all around.

it's gonna be one heck of a day.
because i remember the glory of it is mine for the taking........

so i think i want to add to my list -
what's turning out to be my own version of the 12 days of christmas -

there's festivity, laughter, magic, appreciation of others, grief, and today's -
twisty turns.

the twisty turns of life......you never ever know where they'll bring you.

curling back in....

2011-12-19T03:02:00.000-05:00

'you gonna sleep okay?' he asked.
'oh yeah. not a problem.' i answered.

hours later of tossing and turning and i think 'my gosh, that guy
knows me....'
i wish he were here right now.

processing everything there was to process, i lay awake.
feeling a mixture of things that just aren't any fun to feel, i think thru
it all.

i finally get up for a snack and open my laptop.

and there, in my email, is the most incredible note from josh.

besides a note filled with such love and support, there was a thought
i hadn't ever had before. a way of looking at some of the stuff i'm
dealing with....an understanding of another reason for my struggle...
an acknowledgement of the loneliness that i can feel.

how can it be that a simple acknowledgement, a SEEING of
what i'm experiencing, and a reaching out in love can take such a ball
of mixed up, tangled up mess and just take the edge right on off?

whatever the self doubt, sadness, frustration, and sorrow were doing to
me tonite, it just softened. the love that immediately surrounds me is
nothing to be ignored. josh mentioned 'mirrors' in his note. about seeing
the glow reflected back to me. and my gosh, he just shot back such a glow
it lit up my whole heart.

and as i sat here typing this at three in the morning, noah walked in.
saw me typing this from down the hall and came to check on me.
offering to hang out, watch a movie and just be with me he said 'you've done
it for me plenty of times.'

i shooed him back to bed, but the tears are now streaming down my face.
such mirrors of love in the people closest to my heart.

as i curl back under the covers - including this new totally soft warm blanket that
bob just gave me - i'm gonna feel that love from these guys and i'm gonna put
the tangled mess of a ball up.

what matters is all around me.
and my sons just reminded me......

and the list grows.....

2011-12-18T08:51:00.000-05:00

ahhh mixed in the season where i've started my own 12 day list....
so far filled with festivity, laughter, magic, and appreciation of others,
i've got today.....the anniversary of my dad's death....

five years now.

yesterday josh did his monthly radio show that he does down in richmond.
i only caught a tiny bit of it. but amazingly enough (would it be magic??)
i heard the part where he dedicated a song to his grandfather, my dad.

i had no idea he was going to do that.
and bam....there he was.

he played silent nite, which was my dad's favorite christmas carol.
and the version he played is my all time favorite version of the song.
so throw in that this version moves me anyway......and then it made me
think of my dad......and they played it at my dad's funeral...so it brought
some of that back too.......well......the tears sprung right up.

and the grief of all the sad ending of my relationship with him,
and of many other things mixed in with his passing washed over me.

i was with bob when i heard this.

interestingly enough, when he first walked in that day, he handed
me all his 'paperwork' - stuff for the end of life. stuff to file away and not
look at again for hopefully a long long time. but papers you need to do.
i threw them face down on my desk. i didn't want to see them. and i
hugged him tight. and i thought about how i don't want to lose this man.

and i know.
i know we all leave.

so as i hugged him i thought about our day together and how i wanted
to be so present for it all. really really be there and know what a gift
it was.

hearing the dedication to my dad, knowing josh missed him too, remembering
all that stuff that goes along with the memories.....i coulda cried for a week.

instead i remembered my day with bob, living in the present, the gift of the day,
and i held him close.

in the quiet moments on my own since then, the sadness slips in and out. and i know
that's the way it goes.

and i thought of the season.....and of all things to add to that list of mine.....i want to
add grief.

yeah.
grief.

cause that's really really what this whole season is to me in the first place......the light
in the darkness.....well, you can't have light without dark.
you can't have magic and festivity and laughter.....you can't REALLY have it without
the flip side.

because when you carry grief, you understand the value of the laughing and the magic.

today i will be partaking in several different celebrations.....all the while holding my dad
in my heart. some of that holding is good stuff, some of it is sad stuff......but i'm holding
that man close all day and i'm laughing and hugging and loving those i'm with.

and i'll be thinking of that list of mine.......

festivity, laughter, magic, appreciation of others and grief.......

wow.
what a season.....
what a life........

so GOOD!

2011-12-17T09:15:00.001-05:00

okay, it had felt like a year since i'd seen him, and he IS the man i'm in love with.
but none of that's the point here.

i said out loud a couple times, and thought silently a few more -
'it is so GOOD to see you.'

and when i said it, i truly truly was filled with that feeling.

i've been thinking of that feeling and the times i've felt that with different
people.

when my sons came home from being out of town for a week, i just sat
at the table and looked at them. and kept thinking how good it was to see
them.

when i'm havin' that rough moment, and i meet my girlfriend for coffee -
i know i've done the big hugs at the end and whispered how good it was
to see her.

that rare and unusual relative that i deeply love comes thru. same deal.

i've actually noticed the feeling when i'm blurting it out to whoever i'm
directing it at. i notice it and know it's gold.

(i'm not sure why i notice these things....but i'm so glad i do)

here's what i was thinking this morning tho...
why don't i zoom in on that a bit more??

i spose it's just another round about way to approach gratitude and
appreciation of the moment. and well, i'm all for any and all of those
approaches i can get. and this seems like one i want to play with.

what if i keep reminding myself thru the rest of the holiday season
(and i gotta say, i'm loving this holiday season cause of all these
things i'm concentrating on!!)...what if i deliberately was aware
of how good it was to see everyone? not just people who i haven't
seen in awhile or people who are there to help me out....but everyone.

and yeah.....i'm wondering.........everyone????
really gus?
everyone?

and truth is, i don't know.
cause i don't know if i really can do that........
but maybe.

i know there's a lot i can do tho.
and i'm gonna start there.
and see where it goes.

so let me see........it's the holiday of festive, laughter, magic
AND reveling in the seeing of people!

my gosh....i think i'm on a start of my own version of
the 12 days of christmas here!

so there you darn voices.

2011-12-16T10:52:00.001-05:00

i am constantly amazed at the power of friendship.......
which is kinda interesting as that seemed to be causing my problems
in the first place.

i was wrapping an order and thinking.

i was thinking of some friends that i've lost.
they're still living...just not in my life anymore.

and i got filled with this whole huge self doubt stuff.
and that voiced appeared.
you know the one......

and it said all snide-like 'yeah, right. you want to be love.
you can't even keep a friend. why do you think that is?
think it's cause you're so loving??'

whew.
that was a rough thing to say.
woe.

so the self doubt poured in along with the voices.
i wrapped the order and heard them.

and then i stopped and told myself.....'i do want to be love.
so the loving thing to do isn't to figure out who's fault what was...
the loving thing to do is to hold these people close and truly send
them love in my heart. for real. THAT would be living love.'

and i could feel the rightness of that thought.
i could just feel it.

but still i felt sad.

and as i came over to the puter to type up the shipping label,
there was a forward from a friend on 'self love.'

talk about timing.
i read it, wrote her back, told her the timing was perfect that i was
havin' some big self doubt moments.

she didn't miss a beat and told me that anything funky i was feeling
right now was understandable.

and that's when my eyes got big.

i had told her....sunday's the anniversary of my dad's death.
and yeah, that's still hard.
but i hadn't thought of it this morning.
haven't been thinking of it or dwelling on it.
but yeah, i know it's come out here and there.
even with my losing my walks, i could feel it come out thru that
in some crazy way.

and i so appreciated her seeing that and acknowledging it.
and saying 'it's normal you're having a rough moment.'

friends. what would we do without them?

and the ones i've lost?
i miss them. i really really do.
i also know that there are times we all just have to keep going and move
on....but that doesn't mean i don't still treasure what they've brought to my life.

and i'm gonna do that deliberately today.
hold them close.
cause i really do want to be love.
even tho i mess up a lot as i go along.........
we just keep going.
and that's the loving thing to do for ourselves as well.

adding magic to the list

2011-12-16T07:42:00.001-05:00

i saw this article yesterday...i'll post it at the end here......
about strangers helping to pay people's lay-aways at kmart.
they were goin' for the lay-aways for toys for the kids for christmas.

it's a great article. i just kept reading and nodding and crying.

this morning as i sat outside sayin' goodmorning to the world,
i thought about it.
and i thought about my christmases that i've been on my own with the guys.

every single year i wondered how i'd manage it.
and miraculously, every year i pulled it off.
and i remember when i'd figure out i could swing it,
the tears would come and i'd think 'i can give them christmas.'
and this whole wave of emotion would just flood over me.

so this article totally got to me.

i sat and remembered those years.

i got so grateful for how we made it thru, that the tears just sprung
right up. we really made it thru on our own. and quite honestly,
it makes no sense at all that we did. it makes no sense. i knew it
then, and i know it now.

this year's prolly one of the tightest ever money wise. but they're
grown up now. they're okay with that. they really are. and i'm getting
more and more okay with it. and it helped to remember where we've
been. it helped to remember that it made no sense how we pulled it off.
it helped to remember that it was filled with magic and miracles and
i would just laugh and nod when they showed up. of course! the miracle's here!

of course! the miracle's here!

that's a pretty darn awesome way to look at stuff.

and i lost that somewhere along the line.
which is amazing as i experienced it over and over again.

well, all this christmas music with the miracles runnin' thru all of them,
and little stories like this one i found yesterday, and remembering all that
i've lived thru......i'm thinking i'm back in the mood to pick that stuff up again.

it's kinda interesting to me as i've been workin' on 'festive' and 'laughter'
and i think those things actually open the doors to the magic....
or at least if sure feels like it......

so now the list for me is festive, laughter AND magic!
tis the season!

you can read the article here...

a few tweaks and i'll have it!

2011-12-15T07:39:00.000-05:00

the guys have decided to run in the mornings.
they came up with it to be out there with me.
which, yes, is really really really sweet.
i haven't joined them as i don't want them to do this for me.
they really never have been big into going out early.
and they don't need one more thing to do for me.
i figure i might join them if they keep it up long term.
and i'm thinking the chances aren't too big with january coming.
so this morning was my first morning to try my own new thing.

i watched them from the living room window.
they stood at the end of the driveway getting all set.
they're young....they can't do this without electronics.
they were taking so long, i finally jogged out there in my shorts
and tee shirt (i was getting read to get on my indoor bike)...
i teased them and jogged around at the bottom of the driveway
telling them 'it's easy, you just move forward.'

as i jogged back in the house, this gorgeous breeze hit me.
oh man.
talk about tugging at my heart.
seriously, i thought i might burst into tears all over again.

'stop it, terri. it's not like you can't go outside. jeesh.'

i went in and blasted the music and got on my bike.

i thought of something someone had wrote me earlier and
how it made me realize how much i do have. how i had to really
see what i had.

so i biked along, looking at the sky out the window.
i thought of how i could see it. how i had the eyes to see it.
and i bugged them out wide and played with my eyes and the sky
as i biked along. grinning cause i also had the gift of play.

then i felt my legs pedaling and how they had the
strength to do that....and i just kept goin' into the gratitude thing.

i have sooooooo much.
even the bike......it's such a treasure.
bob got it for me, and it's just the most awesome bike ever.
he even got me tassels for the handlebars!

i squeezed the bike handles tight and thought about how great the
bike was....

so many good things, so much love.

i found myself leaning way into the wall so i could see the pink
and purple down the way a bit in the sky.

and i figured out that if i biked a little bit earlier, then i could
go sit on the porch, cool off, and watch the morning wake up!

now we're talking!

i finished up and decided the porch idea was a good one. i grabbed
a jacket and plopped down on my little front stoop.

woe. great view of the sky, i thought.
then i slapped my head and laughed.
that's because they cut down my oak tree, i thought.
i just shook my head.

i so didn't want them to cut that tree.
it made me cry when they did.

but there was the sky.
big as day (i had to say that!!!)
and it was a treat to sit there and just be with it.

and that's when it hit me......
the theme i've been mullin' around with for a few months now......
the idea that life is hard.
it just is.
and life is good.
it just is.
and it's one heck of a mixture.
and if i stop fighting the hard and just know it's part of the deal,
i'll just be more comfortable with life.
and i'll be able to live more.

it hit me right there on my stoop.

i've been watching this, believing it, and holding it.
well...here it is.
right in my face. my time to put it into practice.

i smiled up at the sky.
okay.
i'm in.

then i grabbed my jacket and headed back to my day.

settin' the bucket over there.....

2011-12-14T12:45:00.000-05:00

okay.
i did say festive, did i not?

i took my bucket of tears and put them over there.
altho....i still leak here and there.

like when i get a beautiful note from a friend and she
says 'i'm sorry you couldn't take your walk this morning.'

i leaked.

but! mostly, i took the bucket full of tears, and put it over there.
perhaps i'll find something to water with them.

i decided i needed to aim for the laughter.
and i know how to get my energy up.
it's a basic thing i can do -

run around like a nut.

so i did.

i literally ran around my house from room to room trying to
wrap some xmas surprises before the guys came down and found me.
the faster i moved, the clumsier i got - and i was pretty clumsy to start with -
and the funnier it got.

it's another piece of glory from the pea brain thing.
i can amuse myself.

even when i broke an ornament trying to get the gift near the tree,
i laughed. ..... well i never liked that ornament all that much anyway....

the guys came down when i had finished.
whew!

and i was laughing again with them.
felt good.

i did say i wanted festive this season.....
so by golly, i'm gonna keep on headin' there.....

surprised by the amount of tears!

2011-12-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

interestingly enough, i can't seem to stop crying about my walks.

i'm actually surprising myself.

yeah, i thought i'd cry a little bit, but every time i think about it,
i cry. i just told bob about it for the first time minutes ago,
he was unavailable yesterday and i thought that would be good
as it would give me a chance to get a grip and be a big girl about it.
and sure enough - i just couldn't even get the first word out without crying.

wow.
so much for being a big girl.

c'mon ter, it's just morning walks.

you can walk. you're healthy. you have a love of the sky.
all that is what matters.

i guess there's more tho. along with just feeling bad about the
stuff goin' on in the neighborhood. that's hard to see too.

so there's a lot entangled for me.
and yeah, it makes me sad.

but adapting is the key.

i remember just a little bit ago i heard the phrase 'adapt or die.'
i prolly blogged about it. it tickled me and i sooooo related.

it's one heck of a phrase, isn't it?
or how about the one i just hung up on my fridge -
'let go or be dragged.'

okay.
okay.

okay.

i'm gonna have to get a new routine down.
and i think it may affect the blog posting. i may change that now.
we'll see what happens.

i'm reminded of another time i felt sad like this......
when they took my trees.....

i wrote this -

they plowed down her trees and she wept.
they forgot to take the sky tho.
the clouds became her refuge.

they can't take my sky. i've still got that.

the nature of the game....

2011-12-13T08:03:00.000-05:00

one of the questions on those question cards we played with the other day
was 'where do you go to relax?'

my answer was my walks. 'they're my favorite part of the day.'
i mentioned it to the guys yesterday about how much i loved them.

truly, they are what keep me sane, they are my gold piece of the day.

this morning i shooed bob off the phone as i didn't want to miss the sunrise.

i ran outta the house. i was in time. and i was thrilled.

as i walked on some grass near the busy road, i backed up when i
realized i had passed a hole in the ground.

i backed up and filled it up so that i wouldn't trip in another time when
i was walking.

well, i don't think i'm gonna worry about it for awhile now.
some stuff happened on my walk - nothing 'serious' that anyone has
to worry...but enough for me to decide that i'm gonna stop taking the
walks for awhile. because of safety.

the tears came to my eyes this morning as i headed home knowing
that i really shouldn't be doin' these. that it's just not the smartest/safest
thing to do right now. our neighborhood's been havin' a lotta problems.
it's not the time to be out alone.

i walked in.
noah was in the kitchen.
i couldn't face him just yet.
i didn't want to burst into tears.
i went into my room and made the bed i had left undone in my hurry
to get outside. tried to get a grip.

and then i sat and told noah what had happened and how i'm gonna stop
and i just couldn't hold back the tears.

he was great.
offered to go with me, or to walk behind me so i had space to think.
a good good guy.

and i'm sure we'll grab some mornings together.
but i know early freezing mornings aren't everyone's form of delight.

i think it's time to try a new thing.
i've been wanting to sit with the sunsets.
maybe it's time to do that in my own yard.
get to know the sunsets a bit.

i can do that.
i will do that.
and i know i'll love it.

right now, i'm just so sad tho.
it's my favorite part of the day.
and i feel like it got taken away.
totally taken.
i keep giving bits away, but now i gotta give
the whole darn thing.....

well, i guess the evenings will become my favorite.
i guess that's an okay thing.
actually, kinda an interesting thing.
i stood at my studio doors last nite and watched the sunset.
it's been calling me lately.
it really has.
and i haven't been answering.

changes happen.
and sometimes i gotta be kicked into change.
and there has been a calling......

i'm gonna give myself a break and allow myself some crying over this.
cause it does feel lousy.
and then i'm gonna figure out how to make it work good...
and i'm going to stay open to the magic it will bring.

darn.
wouldn't you think one thing in life could just stay constant???

guess not, ter.
get over it.
it's the nature of the game......

one more step...

2011-12-12T08:16:00.000-05:00

and so i explained to them that we'd see the sunrise at the corner.
that it was so cool, we'd see the sun looking like it was coming down
the road.

so we went up to the corner.
the street can get pretty busy.
it has breaks when there's no cars, then spurts of cars goin' fairly fast.

'you just find a safe place, and you watch.' i told them.

there were no cars at that point, so zakk went into the middle
of the road to look. i got in the grass where i usually get and
turned toward the sunrise. noah stood with me.

it happened to be a morning where it was pretty mellow and
subtle...but still cool. it wasn't as pizzazzy as i had hoped to show them.
but still, they got the idea.

there were no cars coming, so we started running for the next
corner. if we ran, we could get pretty far without worrying
about traffic, then turn the corner back into the neighborhood.
we didn't make it all the way. then we had to get out of the way of the cars.

zakk commented on it being like one of those computer games.
like a frog tryin' not to get hit by traffic.

noah looked at me and said 'we need to get you a house with
an eastern view so you don't have to do this.'

i grinned.

cause i like goin' to the corner to see the sun comin' down the street.
i've gotten to makin' it a game with the cars to get to the next corner.

and i thought about it.
probably one of the things i like the most about myself is i can make
stuff good. i can find the good in things.

hmmmmmm.....
and so i thought about how i've been doin' with my finances lately.
haven't been thrilled with them. been wishing that part of my life was
all different.

hello, terri.

it's like finding a spot on the corner to watch the sun come down the
street.....look at it in the right way, and it's a whole different story.

i LIKE that i can do that.
i actually think i've got quite a talent for that.

so. um.
how about it, ter???

and she takes one more step in the direction she wanted to head....

laughter. it's not just for breakfast anymore.....

2011-12-12T07:38:00.000-05:00

so okay, i've got vague mixed up slogans in my head this morning....

is it 'eggs, they're not just for breakfast anymore'????

i'm not sure if i've made that up or not. but it popped into my head this
morning after an early morning of laughter.

zakk and i bond by horse-playing with each other. we're forever
goofin' that way. and this morning found us right at it in the dark
early hours.

he didn't want me to go out and walk in the dark.
i was worried i was gonna miss sunrise.
i tried to sneak out without him knowing.
he caught me.
and so the horse-play began.

there was tossing of shoes around the room,
and the typical squirmishes and hollering. mixed in with much
laughter.

in the end, i was joined on my walk by both noah and zakk
and we walked and talked and laughed.

and i felt so good after all that, i was amazed at the power
of laughter.

when i walked into the house, i could hear the slogan running thru
my brain 'laughter, it's not just for breakfast anymore.'

and i grinned.

i know the whole 'laughter is the best medicine' deal....
but again, it's one of those things i hear so often, i don't
really take in.

i know laughter's good for me, and i know i like to laugh....
but do i really get that it can affect my whole life??
truly, truly make me healthier?

i think i really saw that this morning.

i've mentioned here before that this holiday season i'm keepin'
an eye on the 'festive' and one of my goals is to keep the festive
goin' and really enjoy that part of the season. to CREATE the
festive.

well i want to create the laughter.

yesterday, bob and i horse-played too. i found myself collapsed
on top of him laughing so hard i was crying. i could feel his body
goin' up and down in heaves of laughter too. which only fed my
laughing more.

looking back at that this morning, i wonder if it's just a coincidence
that i felt closer than ever to him yesterday. or did that laughter
help with all of that?

it had to.

laughter changes everything.
why isn't it something we actively pursue?
hmmmm.....

laughter. it's not just for breakfast anymore.
when's the last time you belly laughed?
when's the last time you belly laughed with someone you love?

okay, so it's a commercial....

2011-12-11T09:27:00.001-05:00

i had gotten one of those boxed set of cards with questions on it for couples.
gotten it for a young man and his girlfriend for christmas.

i wasn't sure about it as i had never gotten one before and i wasn't sure
what the questions would be like. i read reviews and tried to get the box
that i'd be okay giving this young couple. i actually got two sets.

and then they broke up.

they were wrapped and under my tree.
i had decided i'd give the smaller one to bob for xmas, so that was
set aside, but the other one was waiting for this couple.
i knew i could put it away for another couple....after all, just in
my immediate family alone, there were 5 young men that were going
to be in relationships.....

but i wanted to know what the questions were! was it really a good
box of questions, and was it really something i'd want to give?

so i gave it to bob and i. we'll end up having two sets before the holiday
is over!
but i was excited, we could give them a test run!

and in just one evening with those silly things, i learned stuff about both
him and me AND our relationship. i really did! and it totally tickled me.

and no, this isn't the box of cards i'd choose to give as a gift, or i'd
give the title here and recommend it. altho, i gotta say it really did
do some good last nite.

i just think we can find better.

but! here's the thing....i've always been into this kinda stuff.

i had the 'ungame' before anyone even heard of the ungame.
(never heard of the ungame??? laughin here...it was a board game
for families with a deck of really cool questions to ask each other...
we would just sit with the deck, forget the board part of it all. i think
now, they actually just sell the pack of cards, and they too ditched
the board part of the game!)

i've bought the books with questions in them to sit around the living
room and hang out with friends and talk about.

i have always been into questions to start conversations.

and i have never gotten anything like this for my partner and myself.
after sitting with these cards last nite, i can't believe that.
we're nowhere near done. and it may just be a card here and a card there
from now on. but i want to go thru them. you just don't know what you'll find out.
and.....one of my favorite questions was something like - what could you
each do differently to make the times you're discussing problems better?
something like that.........

what a cool question is that?
and wait til you figure out what you can do.

so this blog is actually a commercial.
not for any pack of cards or question book in particular.....if you find
the right one, let me know! (i'm sure they ALL have something good to offer....)
but for selling the idea of getting something like this for the significant other
in your life for the holidays.

that's the first thought i have....for couples.....
but it's a great great thing for families as well!
i've used the ungame cards for families and like them.

wouldn't it be cool to give a gift where you actually get the gift of
learning more about the people you love?

THAT'S a present!

the goat??

2011-12-10T08:04:00.001-05:00

i'm a muppet fan.

a huge muppet fan.

i think they're just genius.

for real.

and when i watch, each one will remind me of someone i know or of myself.

it's intriguing to me.

i've always been impressed with shakespeare and how he seemed to

understand all aspects of the human psyche.

well, that's kinda how i feel about the muppets too.

one of my all time favorite muppet moments comes from the movie

'muppets in space.' there's this big bear (who i just adore) who's the

assistant to the bad guy. and the bad guy tells the bear to 'get the remote.'

and the bear, in the other room, doesn't hear quite right and says

'the goat?! you want me to get the goat?' and then of course, the bad

guy's frustrated and corrects him. and the bear mumbles 'i thought he

said the goat.'

it makes me laugh and laugh and laugh.

even *i* don't know why!!!
except that at that moment i totally relate to that bear!

okay. how could this possibly be one of the favorite movie moments

of a grown woman???

i have no idea.

except that i have a pea brain.

i really do.

and i don't mean that in a negative way.

i mean that in a good way.

it's a good thing to have.

it takes very little to delight me. and when something hits just right,

it totally tickles me.

the guys can just say the line 'the goat?' to me anytime anywhere,

and i start laughing.

something as dumb as this hit me last nite.

i had been trading notes back and forth with someone, when

he read the word 'clinical' as 'cynical.' and he commented on it.

i thought he was referring to something else, and kept going.

i didn't realize he had mis-read the word. i didn't think much of it.

i was tired, showered, had gotten into my pj's and was filling orders

when something came up with someone i loved. we decided to meet

up for a talk.

i was REALLY tired....and not thinking straight. and i think that had

something to do with the fun that happened.

i got dressed again, wondered how my wet hair would do out in

the cold, hopped in the car and was driving down the dark road

when all of a sudden out of nowhere my brain goes 'CLINICAL!

NOT CYNICAL!

it was like it shouted out at me!

i almost jumped.

and i knew right away what that meant.

he had misread the word.

(talk about a delayed reaction!!)

and i laughed out loud, did a 'i coulda had a V8' head slap and kept

going. but i couldn't wait to tell him when i got home. i thought it was so funny.

it had to be the delayed reaction that tickled me.

it just delighted me.

and he laughed with me, and when i got up this morning, he had goofed about it

with me on facebook. and i laughed again.

and i had a thought......for me, it's these really really dumb silly things that make

my life delightful.

but no...that's not all.......it's the really really dumb silly things and people playing

back with those things and laughing with me.

honest to pete, that is some of the best stuff in life for me.

and i thought about that.

you can't buy that one and wrap it and put it under the tree.

it's living.

and it's the pea brain moments that i swear can keep me going sometimes.

i used to feel kinda silly that it took so little to delight me.

like maybe i should be smarter or something.

now that thought even makes me laugh.

you gotta be kidding!

i know now what a treasure it is to have a pea brain.

and i decided this morning, i want to nourish it a bit more

and look for and rejoice in these moments.

and what a perfect season to do just that!

pass the goat please!

it's this one this year!

2011-12-09T07:36:00.000-05:00

okay, every christmas i get hooked on a different holiday song.

this year it's this one.

some of these images just totally get me!

if i've got it right (and who knows with my mind) i believe it's
a song personifying christmas dreams.

the 'i want to wrap all my moments around her. i want to watch
as she glitters the nite.'......i LOVE that. i LOVE that!

i just feel like wrapping my moments around her too!

and this part...
'the tear falls upon the snow white hair and it runs to the end til it
lingers there....'

i love these images.......
this is my song this year for christmas.........
it's from the transiberian orchestra....check it out!

finding my morning....

2011-12-09T07:27:00.000-05:00

wow, it took me two loops around the block just to unclutter
my darn brain! there was stuff everywhere!

i would need more loops to just feel like i found the morning.

i ended up kinda 'seeing' it all....blocks and boxes of clutter and
strings - oh my goodness - the strings! strings kinda like a spider's web
all across in front of me. blockin' my entrance to my world. my day.

i stepped over the boxes and blocks of stuff, and then started bending
under and around the strings. they aren't mine. i don't need them or
want them. and i certainly don't want to be entangled by them and
stopped from entering my day.

so i pictured slowly lifting some to get under, crawling under another,
bending around that one......until.......ahhhhhh......

just me and my day.

and i'm not kidding - there was a peace that just settled in.
i heard a bird singing.
how long had it been singing? i just now heard it.

i saw the peace of the sky, and felt the knowing of the trees.

i looked up and whispered 'good morning.'
i had found my morning.

thanking margot!

2011-12-08T19:46:00.000-05:00

i was honored by margot on her blog today.
wanted to share and thank her so much!

if you're in the mood, click here...

really wanting these.....

2011-12-08T07:49:00.001-05:00

there's something really cool goin' on inside of me.

and i'm gonna enjoy it while i've got it.

it's an awareness of my goals.

thru the calm and the not so calm.

that doesn't sound like such a big deal....but i'm thinking it really is.

most times i'll have a goal, and then totally forget it.

or if i don't totally forget it, when things are happening that seem

to go against that goal, i'll get upset, and then somewhere drop the goal.

or something happens to those things and i lose sight of them.

i've got two main goals this holiday season.

one is to see the joy and focus on the festive.

the other is to actively work on getting okay with where i am with money.

get REALLY okay. which includes dealing with a whole lotta strings

inside of me about that. ego stuff. big stuff. stuff that i don't figure i'll get

in a week. but stuff i want to be aware of and actively working on.

this trip that got thrown at me, and THEN got moved up a day earlier yesterday,

was the classic thing to have me runnin' around crazed, and not festive.

but i remembered my goal!

ohmygosh.

and i just knew that i didn't want to throw festive out the window because

i was in 'let's get it done' mode......and i didn't. i didn't!!!

that's big news for me.

being aware and truly changing a behavior of mine to keep headin' towards

the goal. (and THEN the trip got postponed! it was so cool to not lose the

festive and then get my time back too!!)

and twice in the last few days, certain moments touched on money stuff in

a hard way for me and brought tears to my eyes. and both times i knew what

my goal was about that stuff and didn't let go of that goal.

i felt lousy both times. not 'okay' at all. BUT i knew i'd be okay and they were

chances for me to see some of the strings involved for me. i knew that,

was aware of it, and knew it was stuff to work with. the lousy feeling still

swept all over me. but it wasn't all consuming. it wasn't WHO i was. it

was just a feeling coming over me.

that too is unusual for me. i usually go into the lousy feeling and somehow

get consumed by it. this time i knew it was a reaction to something i haven't

figured out yet. and i was okay with allowing the lousy without becoming

the lousy.

not sure if that makes sense.

but it was way cool.

i want both these goals a lot.

i don't feel like i've had a festive holiday season - for real - deep inside of

me for a long long time. i don't think it's REALLY about a festive season.

i think it's about touching my joy and my hope really deeply this season.

and i want them. i almost seem to need that. even thru the sadness. ya know?

cause i'm finally understanding that there's always profound sadness. and

there's always profound joy. and i want to dance with both in a way that

touches something inside of me this season.

and the money thing - i've made my choice in my life. and i love my choice.

time i got good with it no matter what. i really mean that. and i see how once

again, i'm learning so much about myself thru that choice. and i wouldn't

trade that for anything.

i want these goals.

i want these goals enough that i'm not forgetting them.

and it's way way cool.

pass the coffee, partner....

2011-12-07T08:02:00.002-05:00

i was thinking about this partner stuff this morning.

you'd think being married for a million years would teach you
about being a partner. but my gosh, i didn't get the lessons.
they musta been there, but i don't think i was in partner-mode.

ya know what?
it might be one of those slippery words like 'love.'
i thought i knew how to love.
of course i knew how to love.
oh man.
insert raspberry noise.

i didn't know a darn thing.

still know very little.
but know enough to know i didn't know a darn thing back then.
same with the partner stuff.
of course i was a partner.
of course i understood being a partner.
another raspberry noise please.

i tell ya, i'm JUST realizing what an incredible concept 'partner' is.

it's not just someone you're attached to.
it's not just someone you share stuff with.
or all those sweet things you can think of.
it's so much more than that.

how about it being someone who totally pushes your buttons like
no one else can and THEN you go to them to work thru that???

how about the person who when you shut down because of something
they did, you still try to open to them because you still trust them - or if
you don't trust them, you still know you can and you're reacting out of
fear, but you know you can. THAT'S a partner.

stuff like that.
the hard hard hard stuff that you don't think you can really do.
the stuff that you have to push yourself to do because you care that much.
the stuff that ends up stretching you but you're not doin' it to be stretched,
you're doin' it because it matters to you.

the stuff that matters so much to you that you'll rip yourself open to make
it work - and then you'll find new growth.

the real honest to goodness hard life stuff.

to be honest with you, sweeping things under the rug seems much more
appealing to me. let's just not look at that, and forget that over there.

thing is, both my partner and i have been down that road, have lived
thru what that creates, and have sworn not to do that anymore. and wow,
that's a big choice to make. i had no idea what was going to happen
when i made that choice.

and now i've been with him for years and years and i realized this morning
that i'm learning the meaning of the word 'partner' as much as i'm learning
the meaning of the word 'love.'

my partner has a possible 'help the family out' trip comin' up.
at the worst possible time for me. he's already let me off the hook, telling
me i don't have to go, he's got it.

i looked over at him driving in the dark, looked back at the christmas lights
we were passing, i thought of all the stuff that happens this time of year in
our families. 'it really seems to be part of the season, doesn't it?'
'it does seem like this kinda thing is part of the deal' he answered.

i had to go home and check with the guys, see what was goin' on, and
make it work. it's all up in the air. not even sure if it's happening....but i
gave him the 'i'm in' this morning.

after i hung up, i thought about the partner stuff.
this whole thing makes me tired just thinking of it.
and this is the easy stuff, terri.
this doesn't rip you open and make you grow....
this just keeps you busy and moving fast.

being a partner is work, it's giving, it's growth....and it's an honor.
it's an honor to be this man's partner.

now pass me some coffee and let's get moving.

it'a all about me.....

2011-12-07T07:39:00.001-05:00

there's this person that hovers around the edges of my life.
mostly i like him just fine.
as long as it's the edges.
i think nice things about him and generally am grateful he's there.

thing is, he does some things that really seem selfish and thoughtless.
i see these things, and i think things like - he doesn't mean it.
or - he doesn't realize it.
or stuff like that.

and i keep goin', and i'm fine.
until the next thing comes up.
and i do the benefit of the doubt thing, shrug it off, and keep on goin'.

every now and then, when i see something else, i'll think something like
this - 'is he really a selfish pig??'

and because i don't want to believe that, i choose that he's scattered or
whatever.

this morning i had the selfish pig thought.

and it occurred to me it doesn't matter if he's scattered, forgetful,
or a selfish pig. it matters what i do with the thoughts.

it truly is all about me and my thoughts.

if i don't care, do what i gotta do to take care of what matters to me,
leave the rest behind.......then i don't need to mutter selfish pig thoughts
under my breath or come up with excuses. it just doesn't matter.

first of all i can do this because he's on the edges of my life and not right
smack in the middle.....but wouldn't it be cool to do it for anyone no
matter where they are in my life?

i do it so well with this guy...i'm gonna use him as my model for those i don't
do it so well with.....

just handle my end of the stuff, and leave it at that.
what a great concept.

happy birthday josh!

2011-12-06T07:36:00.001-05:00

so twenty six years ago today that little blue baby was born.
TWENTY SIX years ago.

man.

so i walked and i thought of him.(my josh)

and i thought about life and about parenting.
i thought about teaching my kids stuff.

and i thought of home schooling........

i knew when we started that i was never gonna be able to
teach them all the stuff they needed to know.
i didn't know all that stuff.
in fact, i knew very little of that stuff.

so i knew i had to teach them how to learn.
teach them how to ask questions, listen, find answers.
and i learned right next to them.

and i thought about how life is really just like home schooling.
and i grinned.
we always said the philosophy of home schooling was using life as a classroom.

well, i don't think i realized just exactly how far that goes.

cause it's just the same with living and learning the important life things.
you can't teach people that stuff - even if you know it.
it really seems we all have to learn for ourselves.
but we can teach methods of learning -
ways to listen for answers, ways to trust the process.

and just like with homeschooling - i've learned right along with these guys.

i had no idea what it meant to become a parent.
no idea.
when josh entered my life, everything changed.

we've spent 26 years teaching each other, growing together, and
learning what it is to be human.

i couldn't have had a better teacher, son, goof-mate.
and i couldn't be more proud of the young man he's become.

when i celebrate him today........i'll be celebrating who he is, what he adds to
the world, and how he's such a part of my very core.

happy birthday, josh!....one of the most amazing young men i've ever known!

cool cool thought....

2011-12-05T13:15:00.000-05:00

read this last nite and loved it.......

wanted to share.....

"...it is said that humans are not truly animated until the soul gives
birth to the spirit, tenders and nurses it, filling it up with strength.
eventually the soul is believed to retreat to a farther home while
the spirit begins its independent life in the world."

(-women who run with the wolves)

what an awesome thought!
i'm kinda just holding this one today.........

loops

2011-12-05T07:34:00.000-05:00

i think maybe i'm learning something....
well, i'd like to think i'm learning something that i can
really hang on to.
i don't quite trust myself enough yet.
but i'm definitely gonna be playin' with this one for a bit.
cause if i can keep this in the hard times, it would really
make a difference.

it's just this -
it's not a bad thing that i can't control everything.

that's it.

grinnin' over here.

doesn't seem like such a big concept, i know.
but for me, it is.

i noticed it for josh's birthday celebration. how if i had
designed life a bit, there would have been more money and time.
but there wasn't, and it turned out to be quite a gift the way it was.

and then on my walk this morning.....
my gosh, the sunrise made me gasp and stop and just look..

now my walk has turned into loops around the block.
and i gotta say, it's not the ideal walk i would pick.
i miss walking up by the trees.
if i was running life, i'd have it all a bit different.
but there's things i can't control.
so it's loops around the block.

thing is......
i figured out this morning that there's treasure in those loops.
treasure that just tickles and delights me.

i now have a chunk of sky that i interact with over and over.
because i'm doin' loops, i can see the same piece of sky.
and i watch it wake up and change and become the day.
and it's incredible.

this morning i realized what a complete gift that was.
and that if it was up to me, i'd never have chosen the loops
for the walk. i woulda made everything lay out different.

and i woulda missed getting to know one chunk of sky.
i wouldn't have ever even thought of it.

so i walked and thought about how there's so many things i
don't even know about. it's a good thing i can't control everything.
i would miss so much if i did.

and then i thought of a conversation i had with bob this weekend.
we were talking about something i wanted to figure out inside of me.
he commented on how tangled it was and it seemed like a pretty
difficult task to try to untangle it. i agreed...but still said....
'yeah, but i gotta try. and maybe i can do it.'

so i thought of that task this morning.
and i thought about how it can be a gift.
how i wouldn't have chosen to have this big clump of stuff inside of
me to untangle....but how maybe the whole untangling process is really
a gift.

it's like having a hunk of sky to get to know.

it's like goin' round the block in loops, i can loop around stuff inside
me. and get to know parts of me better...and just like the sky, i can
watch it wake up and change and become.

oh my gosh.

how cool is that?

i turned into my driveway wondering 'is it all really just a mindset
and really how you look at things just makes all the difference?'

i think for me it is.
and i really need to keep on workin' with that.

and round two....

2011-12-04T10:24:00.001-05:00

how do i describe this?

i had dessert plans that were a little funky and odd.

throw in the fact, that bob egged me on after i told him i had

the best bagel in the world the day before with the guys,

and well, we decided to add to the funky and odd dessert plans,
and include 'the birthday bagel.'

then josh said he was bringing his bud with him.

and dessert plans changed.

i sat the brothers and bob down.

i can't keep the same plans.

josh's bud's mom is a fantastic cook, does everything beautifully.

and besides, josh's bud actually TASTES his food~!

i just can't go funky and odd now.

the guys just assumed that meant i was ditching the birthday bagel idea.

huh???

NO WAY!

that's not weird.

that is, after all, the best bagel in the whole world.

jeesh.

i couldn't believe they thought that was the weird part.

well, this birthday bagel became a story all in itself.......

purchasing it was funny, bob bought it and apparently

felt he bought ownership of the bagel.

going to TWO stores for the little birthday candle holders we

didn't find that bob was sure we needed to insert the candles

into the bagel.

no candle holders.

we needed another plan.

'back off st. cloud, this is my bagel.

and i've got a plan.'

bob's seriously asking zakk for a dremel. zakk offering a drill.

my shrieking about sanitation. bob opting for his pocket knife

(which truly is worse than both a dremel and a drill!!)

the consultations and decisions of creating holes for the candles

BEFORE toasting....much easier to carve the holes....

oooops....no one thinking of the heat......
the candles melting in the heat of the toasted bagel...

oh well...we can eat the bottom half.

no we can't the wax went all the way thru.

look at how short some of those candles got!

oh well a little wax is good for you.

sure, a little made-in-china wax....

okay, no one eats the bagel.

the candles are melting too fast.

put the toasted bagel in the freezer, quick!

we need just the right dish for this.......

and the birthday bagel became a birthday story.

josh knew right away what kind (cranberry walnut for those of you

who must go get one....from panera)

and he loved the whole idea.

we filled him in on the prep work

'bob INSISTED on toasting it too early.' (ter)

'terri forgot she was at panera when she said let's go

to panera' (bob)

'you missed the kitchen interactions!' (noah, rolling his eyes

and laughing)

'i wasn't sure about the drill bit' (zakk)

'did i tell you that bob INSISTED on toasting the

bagel way too early??' (ter)

'you're not gonna let go of that, are you??' (bob)

yes, we had 'regular' dessert too.....cause no one ate the bagel....

but the fun of the bagel just couldn't be beat.

and the best part was when we told them we ditched the weird

plans and stuck with the normal stuff. josh's eyebrows went up.
and he laughed.

no.

the best part was this all took place right away.

they barely caught their breath from walkin' in.

it was totally family.

it feels good to be with a group like this.

real real good.

celebrating round one....

2011-12-03T09:18:00.000-05:00

yesterday was one of those days that reminded me so much
about what life's about.

time and money are both something i'm short of these days.
and something i've been kinda sensitive about.
and here it was, time to celebrate josh's birthday.
it's not his actual birthday, yet, but it was the day we could
all take some time off and be together.

josh knew time was tight and so he gauged what we would do
around that. he made it so there were some 'time-outs' that i
could pop in, do just a little work to keep afloat, and then go
back to it. and it helped me so much! i could really relax when
we were goofin', knowing i'd get a chance to catch up and
check in later.

it helped me a ton stress-wise.
but more than that, it helped me a ton that he saw me...
really saw what my days are like and try to make it all work.
that mattered so much, i could just feel the relief wash over me.

and then there's the money.
i want to give my guys everything....and well, i can't.
and they know that and are so incredible about it. when i
offered to take them out for dinner anywhere they wanted,
they picked where we always hang out. i protested that i really
wanted to take them somewhere special, and the response i got
was it was perfect and that's where he wanted to go. and as it
turned out, it was one of the best dinners we've had together ever.

i liked the present i got him, but under different circumstances,
there woulda been ten more things that he loved all wrapped up
and waiting for him. and yet, he was thrilled and i know that he
treasured it even more because of the circumstances.

his brothers put a ton of work and energy in on making him a gift
and he was so moved, i truly thought he was going to cry. he didn't,
but my gosh, i think it was the best present he ever got.
i sat and watched and thought how wonderful his reaction was and
how these presents meant such good things all around -
to the givers and the receiver.

it really was a day that was all about the right stuff.
josh commented on how much it meant to him and how special he felt.
and i think everyone was feeling pretty well seen and appreciated.

and i swear, if i had my way, i would have played out the day differently.
i woulda had a lot more money to spend on him and a lot more time
to hang out and bum around....and i sit here and realize it's a good thing
i don't always get my way.

because i think the limitations changed things.
in a really really good way.
now, it's because of who those guys are that it worked out the way it did.
because their hearts are so big and loving, it could become such a beautiful day.

we're not done celebrating yet.
there's more to come tonite and tuesday and on and on it goes.......

and i wasn't looking for a gift out of all of josh's celebrating.
but i tell ya, i sure got one yesterday.
and i'm carryin' it around with me.
and i'm thinking that i had no idea 26 years ago how much my life
would change because of these sons of mine.
and how much they'd teach me about what really matters in living.....
and how often they'd remind me to get back on track and enjoy!

choosing festive!

2011-12-02T08:06:00.001-05:00

so you know how when you're actually getting something right
you hate to talk about it cause you know then you'll blow it??

that's runnin' thru my head here as i sit to type out something
that's working for me...
but what the heck! i'm gonna go wild and talk about it!

holidays.
i used to love them.
i mean REALLY love them.

then when my marriage blew up, they were sooooo hard.
just getting thru them took all i had.
and then they settled down, but still weren't what they used
to be and there have been times i have even said thru
tears that i 'hate holidays.'

which was never true.
what i really meant was things still hurt a lot then and i just couldn't
get them to work the way i wanted to.

and people seem to die around the holidays.
there for a bit we had five years in a row where we lost someone.

so this year rolls around so much faster than i could comprehend.
and the holidays were looming in front of my face.
complete with a very sick family member.
the anniversary of several significant deaths.
schedules all over the place with no making it all like i want.
work stress, financial stress......and there i was wondering what
to do about it.

and i got a note from a friend.
we've been friends for a thousand years. and we have always served
the purpose of egging each other on in life. and there he was.
he was grabbing the holiday season for the first time ever really.
getting himself a tree and decorating his place. he decided he was gonna
get into it.

i read that note and sure enough - i was egged on.
i sat and thought about it.
by golly, i'm doin' this too.
i'm gonna grab this season like i haven't grabbed the season
in over ten years!

i talked to each son and told them i had made a decision to really enjoy
the holidays this year. to make them festive and fun and not get down
about stuff. told them they didn't have to join me, i just didn't want anyone
to rain on my parade.

each one of them looked at me and said they wanted in.
they wanted some festive fun too and they wanted a great season too.

so i've consciously been thinking about it.
i mean, this has been a goal in my head every day.
i've turned on christmas music when i wouldn't normally.
i sang all day yesterday because it was december first and it was something
that would remind me to be festive.
i've had more than one talk with myself about what i want out of the season,
about dropping certain worries, and just concentrating on the good.
and the big thing - i have concentrated on MYSELF. not on other people.
on what i can do to improve myself to make this a better time for me.
on what i need and how i can give it to myself.

and you know what?
by golly!
IT'S WORKING!

and you know what? it seems to be rubbing off on those around me!
no kidding!

when i sing, i just feel good.
when i listen to the tunes....i LISTEN to the tunes.
i realized i hadn't decorated my office - i did the whole house and not
my office. i spend most of my life in here! so i got out the garland and
lights....and decorated my office! and it feels good!

i look down at my engagement ring thru out every day.
i don't see bob much, and it can be hard. but i'm not thinking about
that right now. i look at the ring, see the sparkle, smile, send him some
love and keep on going.

i've made a conscious decision to focus on the good, and to
participate with the festive part of life.

granted it's only december 2nd! but i've been doin' this since before
thanksgiving.....so there's still some validity to all this!

i wanna keep it up.
and i wanted to put it out there.......cause i know it's a bumpy time
for a lot of us......

and if i slip and focus on stuff that feels bad or makes me sad....
that's okay too! cause that's part of life! and that stuff is in there.......
and i can focus on it a bit. thing is.....my choice is not to keep
focusing on it right now. my choice is to focus on the good right now.

and i know that's easy to say as no one has died, and basically
things are pretty good....i know that.

i know that i can do that this year because i'm stronger and things are pretty much calm.

what if it gets bad?
then i'll have that much more of a foundation of focusing on the
good and i'll have that much more muscle in looking at myself
and doing the things i need to take care of me.

so i really can't lose. ya know?
i'm choosin' festive right now. this moment.
and i'm gonna keep goin' as long as i can.
and it feels good!

lynn's site

2011-12-02T07:43:00.002-05:00

so someone asked about buying lynn's music!

well! here's her site!

nifty little sayings....

2011-12-01T10:23:00.000-05:00

so i'm in the little gift shop last nite,
and i see a magnet that says 'let go or be dragged'
and i laugh out loud.

what a GREAT saying.

later, i point it out to my girlfriend and i laugh again
as if i'd never seen it before.
it totally tickled me.

i comment on how that's gonna be my new mantra.

browsing around the shop with all the pretty little things,
waiting for my friend to get her goodies, i end up pointing
the magnet out to the cashier. and i laugh again.

i seriously think this is the most brilliant thing i've ever read
and we all need to take note.

settlin' into the car for the ride home, my girlfriend reaches
over in the dark, and hands me the magnet.

i gasped.
then laughed all over again.
i had NO idea she got it.

'had you gotten this when i was goin' on about it with the
cashier??' i asked.

she had.

and i laughed some more.

and i held it in my hands all the way home.

'let go or be dragged' - something we should all think about!!!

my lynnie

2011-12-01T08:17:00.001-05:00

traffic was a bear. we got caught in some pretty slow stuff.
rushing up the steps, into the mansion, the ladies greeted us
with smiles and told us we hadn't missed much, but we had
to wait for the song to finish before we went in.

we stood on the other side of the doors listening to her sing.
my friend whispered 'i love this song!' and started to quietly
sing along. i grinned at the lady who was keeping us out, we
were obviously groupies.

it took all i had to stand there politely and wait. if she only knew
what i really wanted to do was elbow her to the ground, step
over her with a 'so there!' leap, and barge in and holler to my friend
who was singing 'we made it!! we're here!!!'
but in a moment, the applause started. feeling like a kid waiting
to go find the presents at christmas, i looked at the lady with eyes
begging to be allowed to go thru those doors.

slipping in, grabbing two seats at the back table, i scooted my chair
for the best view possible.

the lights were on her perfectly. and she was beautiful.

the first few moments i had to take in her beauty.
it was like i had to soak that in before i could tune in to the music.
she was talking at this point, so i could kinda settle right in and
just look at her.

she's tall and thin, and her hair is now sprinkled with gray. i noticed her hair.
she's wearing it shorter these days, it hugs her face in such a way
that you're just drawn into her. she was shining.

standing there with such grace and confidence, she began to sing.

wow, she so began to sing.

there's something that happens to her when she performs.
and i'm not sure she'll ever see it, because how can you see this
stuff with your self? but it's one of the most inspiring things ever for
me to watch.

you see, i know her pretty well. she's my 'let's cry over tea' partner.
i know a lot of the 'stuff' that whirls around inside of her, as she knows mine.
and all the stuff i know about, all the things she works on and struggles with,
well.....they aren't up on stage with her.

it's like she takes all that stuff and leaves it outside. and then, when she
sings and plays her guitar, what you get is her. not the stuff - but her.
and is there anything more beautiful than that?

thing is....and i've been thinking about this...she leaves the 'stuff' outside....
and yet - it's all the dealing with the stuff - the facing the fears, the wrestling
the demons, the holding the hurts - all the things we have to do with the
stuff that hits us that has polished her soul so bright.

so you get this soul who's radiant because of that stuff she's left at the door.

isn't that the coolest thing???

and there she is - radiant. offering everything inside of her.

it brings me to tears every time i watch and hear her.

i'm always tellin' her i love how she bellows out her songs.
that's probably not the most graceful way for me to tell her that the
strength and complete fullness of who she is comes out when she sings,
and knocks me over again and again.

and it's not just me being knocked over.....the whole room was being blown away.

she sings a song that my other friend wrote.
my other friend is sitting next to me when lynn announces she'll play it.
i swell with pride that these two incredible women are my 'let's cry over tea'
friends. how lucky am i? what two incredibly talented women i get to
hang out with.

and this is one of my favorite songs.
lynn launches into it with such power...and the lyrics remind me so much of
what the three of us talk about with each other - the journey, the becoming more,
the bravery that we don't recognize in ourselves...

the tears come again. i realize my whole being is locked into lynn's performance.
and i am filled with the feeling of wanting to be more.

i try to tell her at the end....when it's all over....i try to tell her 'you make me want
to become more.'

like what's a person 'sposed to say to that??
and how do i explain it?

how do i explain that i watch her put her life stuff down and offer all of who she is.
i watch her lose herself in the moment, and absolutely shine with all that is inside of
her - and i want to do that.

and somehow, i think, without even really knowing it, everyone in that room felt that way.
she ended with john lennon's song, 'imagine.' and asked everyone to sing along.
and everyone did. everyone did. i couldn't believe it. and i listened. i didn't want to sing,
i wanted to hear her with everyone....i wanted to hear what was going on.

i sat and listened, and sang a tiny bit here and there, but mostly just held the energy
in the room. somehow everyone was feeling something similar to what i was feeling.
maybe they'd describe it differently, maybe they'd just say it was a great show and
she's got one heck of a voice...but i truly believe everyone felt something that i felt.

because you can't offer your soul like that without it affecting people.

and seriously, just how cool is that?

want to hear her? click here to check her out!

a hoop of brilliant colors...

2011-11-30T06:55:00.000-05:00

okay, so it was a middle of the nite thought,
a roll over after a dream thought....
and they seem so much more striking then.

so while not as striking as last nite, i still like the thought i'm
going to share.

altho, i think what i like most is that it was a roll over
after a dream thought. i don't remember the dream,
but it musta been a nice one.......

i saw this really gorgeous hoop of color.
brilliant colors all kinda moving around together.
and they were the colors of my day.

all the things that happened added a color to the hoop.

as i was rolling over, the thought was that if someone asked
you about your day, or if you thought about your day,
you really shouldn't just figure it was one main thing. you
should look at all the colors. cause there's a whole bunch of them.

and you can see that each one adds something significant.
so they all count.

this is going to be great fun with bob! as it is, when he asks me
how i am, i ask him which part of me he means. just wait til
i throw in the color hoop!!!

i just really liked it....
it reminded me not to focus on one thing.......and to remember
the value of all the stuff goin' on......
and it did it in color!!!

relationship tidbits....

2011-11-29T10:34:00.000-05:00

have several different friends with relationship stuff goin' on
right now....

i just typed out all these bits and pieces in an email to one of them,
and thought these were too good not to share......

these are from 'a book for couples' - i think i have it listed right in
that amazon thingie on the side here........maybe not. who can remember.
it's a good one....... it's by hugh and gayle prather.....

here we go...for anyone needing these today......

'first you must understand that there are many parts of you that cannot connect with anyone.
and you must realize that you feel very protective of these parts. you feel attacked if they are
pointed out and you have many memories of occasions on which this happened. ......

here then is the work before you - to let go of all the ways you contrast yourself, to shed
everything you identify with that creates a difference, a gap, between you and your partner.'

'you must give up your judgments because they cannot join with another. not only do most
people not believe this, they proceed from the opposite position. they try to have contact with those who
'have the same outlook on life' and who seem to agree with their opinions....'

'you need not relinquish your identity. there is no mad sacrifice entailed here. merely begin
questioning the many ways you have of defining yourself. .....

no changes in behavior are required....what must change is your investment in being this
bundle of peculiarities and wonders, because you simply cannot, for example,
think it important that you are a person who chews politely without also judging your mate
for munching like a horse.'

'your simple goal is to practice being your heart rather than your history.'

'so be a friend, one who works to lift the distress rather than one who tries to cast doubt
on your mate's ability to perceive and reason.'

'every time you watch rather than react you become a little less well defined and thus freer to
be something more, something deeper.'

'your partner is your personal opportunity to be at peace. nothing less. and certainly
there is nothing more. whatever he or she professes or does, this one potential remains
invulnerable. you have before you an ongoing occasion for sinking into your own
gentleness and expanding.'

'see the person, not your past. lift the veil of comparisons from your eyes and love simply
and directly.'

'most people long for an affect rather than a real relationship......they want everything
except to give.'

'...for you will recognize that these are just the many conflicting voices of your past,
agreeing on nothing, fearing and judging everything, and that you are something more,
something whole and sane.'

'if you can merely assume some degree of distortion in all your perceptions,
you will not be as quick to judge, as quick to take stands and be right, as quick
to trun away and be discouraged, and this will provide a little space in which healing
can begin.'

'i have no more use for this thought. as a gift to our relationship, i will not pursue it.'

'whatever your ego tells you is not true. anger, fear and judgement are
always groundless, and in almost every instance they can be relinquished.'

'very consciously and very deliberately feel the basic goodness of your partner,
and know the reason you choose to do so.'

this morning....

2011-11-29T07:35:00.002-05:00

lifting her arms up,
stretching her fingers out,
she reached for god.
clouds came and rested in her palms,
and she remembered gentleness.
the sun came and lit up the sky.
and she remembered love.
closing her eyes,
holding it all,
she remembered god.

'oh wow'

2011-11-29T07:30:00.001-05:00

when i stepped outside this morning,

i could just feel something all around me.
i walked down my driveway to the street
just quietly looking and taking it in.

'it feels like i'm in a special sound proof room
or something,' i thought.

everything just seemed to be holding this quiet gentleness.

and i couldn't get over how strongly it was hanging in
the air, and how badly i wanted to soak it in.

i had forgotten how much i love bare tree limbs.
how it's like they're reachin' out to the sky,
trying to touch god.

i had forgotten how when i see that,
it touches something deep inside of me,
and reminds me to reach too.

in my mind, i reached up, and i remembered god.
and i remembered love. and i remembered there was more.
so much more.

and without even thinking a quiet 'oh wow' escaped my lips
and i could hear it come out of me.

it was my prayer this morning.

'oh wow'

i needed to remember.

the ever present roots.....

2011-11-28T07:55:00.000-05:00

i was quiet here this weekend,
but much was going on inside.

in hearing myself tell bob about something that meant a lot to me,
i could feel how it related to some thoughts that have been gently
nudging me all week.

as we were just curled in quietly, i had a chance to let my thoughts
gather and weave their threads together.

my eyes got wide at one point as i started to see some stuff take shape.
and i could see how the things all related.

i could see how stuff from so long ago still affects so many things i feel
and do today. and i gotta say, that always always always stuns me and
leaves me wondering if there's much of anything that i feel and do today
that isn't affected by my past.

and i'm not sure i like that much at all.
actually, i'm pretty sure i don't like it.

i like to think of myself as growing and independent and healthy.

and i guess i feel like having the past drive a lot of your present
doesn't work with the growing, independent and healthy theme.

but maybe those things don't really contradict each other.

maybe those things are your roots. and you just gotta know you grow
from there. you can grow good and be strong, but your roots are your roots
and they are involved in your whole structure.

maybe i ought to get more comfortable with that whole concept
as it seems to be the case with me. and maybe i need to get more than
comfortable, maybe i need to get pretty darn excited about it....
because truth is, if i really see that and know that, i can really really
understand myself. and i think in that understanding, i'd be able to
concentrate more on things that truly mattered instead of stuff that
makes me lose perspective.

maybe i need to respect that....instead of fear it.
and that's something i'm going to be mulling this week.......

pushin' thru the crowd....

2011-11-28T07:36:00.000-05:00

so yesterday i kicked myself around about as much as i could.

it surprised all of us.
and each guy around me at a different time asked me what brought
it all on.

i thought it was the obvious reasons - overwhelmed, not being able
to keep up, having to cancel multiple things with friends, not knowing
things i felt i should know...the list was long, and i thought quite obvious.

but each son and mister bob himself didn't seem to be buying it.

and i gotta say, when it comes down to knowing what's going on inside
of me, and i have to choose between who understands - them or me,
i pick me.

so i hate it when they ALL seem to catch stuff i miss.
and it makes me laugh.
these are my SONS and well, my neanderthal guy.
they can't get it if i miss it.

but as i did my thing on the treadmill this morning, it became quite
clear to me that there was a lot more going on with me than i understood
yesterday. and i laughed thinking about how i was going to have to admit
that to them today. they love it when they get it right and i get it wrong....

i was so incredibly down on myself.
really really hard on myself.
treated myself in a way i wouldn't ever treat anyone else.
then threw in a little drama and cried a bit here and there...

so why?

i had something happen last week that was really hard and felt really
lousy. i knew that. and i knew it caused some waves inside of me.
thing is, i didn't realize they were going to really hit me and drag me
down days later.

but they did.
only i didn't realize.
until after they dragged me all over the rocks.
and then left me layin' on the shore.
it's when i got up to walk away i figured it out.
oh yeah, it was those big waves.
looking back i could see them rolling back to sea.

so as i took my walk this morning, i thought about that.
and i had another kinda visual.
i had this picture of me being bumped around.
like in a crowd.
just not feelin' great and being bumped here and then bumped there.
and at some point you just get used to the bumps and you get in this kinda
mood. where it's not fun to be in the crowd anymore. where you don't
even remember where you were headin' in the first place. where you're
feelin' pretty bruised and just not in a good mood anymore. but not
angry enough to change it. just jostled, bruised and wrinkled. and in
the middle of something you've forgotten the point of. with no direction.
just letting the bumps lead you.

well, heck.
that's no good.
no good at all!

and i really think that in a certain area of my life, that's what's been
goin' on. and yesterday between that bumpin' thru and then bein'
hit by the big waves, i took it all out on myself.

i beat myself up.

like that's helpful.

this morning i figure i've already been hit by the waves. nothing
i can do about that. but i can do something about being jostled
in a faceless crowd.....

i love walkin' fast. i really do.
i like walkin' fast with a direction and a goal and my eyes on
where it is i'm headin'. i do that in a store and the guys can't keep
up with me. i weave between people and scoot along edges and
move as smoothly as i can, and i love that. i can do that in a store, and
i can do that in ways i live my life - if i think about it and intend to.

i haven't been doin' that in an area in my life that i need to.
i want to create what i'm living. i want to grab it and love it
and enjoy it and keep my eyes on the point of it all.

for pete's sakes. that's what i WANT.
and i can't let outside influences change that.
i just can't.
and that's what i've been doing.

so maybe i needed the waves.
maybe i needed to be knocked silly.
maybe i needed to almost have a fight with myself.
maybe kicking myself - while i don't think is a good thing -
woke me up a bit to harm i'm doing to myself.

i really feel like pushin' thru the crowd today.
i really do.
and i tell ya, it feels awfully good.....

who knew the power of christmas lights?

2011-11-25T09:23:00.004-05:00

this is gonna start out sounding negative.
but it so isn't.
really.

it's something that when i heard i went right to myself
and told myself to remember this and concentrate
on the good....don't do the negative stuff.

i really want to use this and remember this.
i thought i'd offer it here for anyone else who this works
with.

it starts with people. and people say things.
and then they tell me about it.
seems like that happens a lot.
people tell me what other people said about me.
it's weird.
but i do feel like i get that a lot.

anyway, thru the grapevine, i heard a neighbor was
grumbling about me putting up my christmas lights so early.

this kinda made me grin right away,
cause the nite after we put ours up, we saw another
neighbor put theirs up and we were so delighted!
we said 'hey! maybe we started something!'
well, apparently, not with everyone.
and this one neighbor wasn't liking the whole deal.

so i heard about it.

now, here's the deal......the person who doesn't like it,
is a nice person. she really is. and if she knew that i did
it to honor someone i lost, she'd feel completely different
about it. if she knew i did it cause it made me feel good on
a hard day, she'd be all for it.

but she doesn't know that.
and for some kooky reason it hits something irritating inside
of her.

i've got kooky stuff that hits irritating stuff inside of me.
and truly, when i step back and look at that stuff i gotta say
'huh? why?'

there's no reason for me to be irritated by most things i'm
irritated at. and if i really knew what was goin' on, i bet
there's really not much at all out there that'd rank as irritating.

and that's what hit me about the story.
i'm fine that she's irritated.
if it comes up, i'll explain.
if it doesn't, i won't.
i love my lights, and i'm perfectly comfortable with anyone
feeling whatever they feel about them. so i don't have a problem
there. it really doesn't matter.

what i get is that someone really nice would feel differently if
they had the whole story.

and i know darn well that's me a whole lotta times.

and i want to change that.
i really do.

it's funny how incredibly meaningful xmas lights are becoming to me.
when my dad was dying, the drive back and forth from the hospital
was so much easier because of those lights. i was amazed at how
much they meant to me. and now they help me get thru a rough day,
and a hard time. and now......they'll be reminding me to remember
there's usually more going on than i know, and to just allow and be.

isn't that the coolest thing?
i wanted to share....

and it continues...

2011-11-25T09:09:00.001-05:00

what a day!
what a gorgeous day!
i work pretty hard most of the time and i forget how good
i can be at totally relaxing.
i'm good at relaxing.
ohmygosh.
give me a whole day of it and i can settle right into it.

and the cooking/clean up actually ends up easier than a normal day
cause everyone's involved.

it's such a good group.
we get along great.
there's the hangin' out talkin,
the takin' a walk,
the cookin',
the eating,
the eating,
the eating,
the playing the games,
we even looked at the stars last nite thru josh's telescope.
i saw the bands on jupiter. and jupiter's moons.
talk about a sight that puts your life in perspective.
i saw multiple galaxies and stood there trying to comprehend that.
i didn't. i couldn't. but it was so awesome.
and then we came over here to a holiday movie and some
final hanging out.

and there's more today.....
the holiday continues.
we put the tree up today.
hangin' the ornaments is one of those moments every year that
memories of a life time flood over me and the size of the guys and
how they've grown, and the years flying by all kinda buzz around
the room for me. it's one of those moments every year that hit me
as a reminder to enjoy it all as it moves along so quickly.

there's so much mixed into these couple days.
and i'm concentrating on the blessings and the love
and holding that with all i have.

happy thanksgiving....

2011-11-24T07:51:00.001-05:00

it seems like it should be so easy -

a day to take off and just celebrate gratitude.
a day to think of your blessings and enjoy them.

it can get pretty complicated, can't it?
throw all that family into the mix,
throw in missing people who aren't here with us,
and people who are here driving us nuts,
throw in cleaning and cooking and all that......
and it can get pretty crazy.

i don't think i've ever once had a thanksgiving that wasn't
complicated. well, i guess when i was a kid. but it's been
a long time.

but i think this is the first year that i want to kinda hold the
complications themselves as part of the gratitude.
i've tried that before.
but there's a bit more growth in that area this year for me.
i think it makes more sense to me this time around.

i've always been grateful in spite of the hard things.
not because of them.
but they're part of it.
and they add to it.
they add a whole lot.

whatever's mixed into the day and around the edges....
there might be grief, struggle, some kinda aching....
those are all things that give us the opportunity to be who we are.
those are the things that call our compassion up.
those are the things that call us to be more.

it's not about everything being perfect and wonderful,
it's about everything being full and human.
and the fact that we muddle thru, find pieces of love,
offer our hearts even when they hurt, and stop and gasp
at a sunset even thru tears.

it's the whole deal.
feeling grateful for the whole.
not just the good.

i have a card i wrote a few years back that says this kinda thing......
and it's actually called 'thanksgiving'.....so i've gotten this concept
before....but this year, i feel like i got an extra layer to it.....
and i hope each year to just go a little deeper into the thought.
i think it's depths can go pretty far.....

"she closed her eyes and thought of her year. it couldn't be just the "good" she was thankful for. it had to be the "all"... the fullness, the depths, the journey. the dance of Life. for these she gave thanks."

wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving.
may you remember your light today and may you
remember that in the darkness, it has the opportunity to shine.

tasting the stars

2011-11-23T06:48:00.001-05:00

'is there a salve for the wounds of shame?' she asked.
a gentle smile spread across the old woman's face.
leaning closer, she whispered,
'ah yes, but it's more than that.
much more.
use it abundantly with kindness and sincerity
and it becomes fire for the soul.
it lights the very stars inside of you back to life.
it is compassion.
have compassion for yourself and others -
deep compassion, freely given,
and you will do more than heal those wounds,
you will truly live for the first time,
and you will taste the stars.'

in the way again....

2011-11-22T07:42:00.000-05:00

there are times it's funny - this feeling of always being in the way....

like with the bone sigh quote of the day.

it took me forever to agree to do that. the guys kept sayin'
it was a good idea, but i felt very 'in the way' with it.

'but mom,' the guys argued, 'people SIGN UP for it, you don't
just sign them up!'

oh yeah.

it took awhile, and i agreed.
and any time anyone unsubbed from it, i felt sooooo in the way.
zakk finally made it so i wouldn't see that part. he figured life would
just be easier that way.

it really can be funny.

and then, it really can be hard.

and it's one of those feelings that just swoops up on ya.
you know those?
you'll be goin' along fine and then swoop! it's all over you.

i hate that.

i walked and thought about it today.
where it came from.
spent a few moments there, but didn't feel like dwellin' in all that.
i know where it's from.

and how sad we give that to people.
how sad we take it from people.

now what to do with it.
that's what i gotta figure out.

cause apparently i took it a long time ago and haven't ever
put it down.

is that cause i haven't chosen to?
or i can't?

hard to believe i really can't.

THAT would be sad.
but i don't really believe that.

it's sad people do things to each other, and it's sad
we take things and hurt ourselves with them.....all that's sad....
but it's life.
it's part of the journey.
the really sad part would be never changing it.
never becoming who you really are because of that stuff.

i can just peel it off over and over again.
i guess i can do that.

but that's not the same as getting rid of it.

i think there's a lot to it. a lot stuck in the roots of it all.
and certain situations so feed into it.

did i pick those situations?
did i set myself up for these feelings to come over and over again?
or would they come no matter what?

what does it say about my depths if i feel in the way a whole lotta times?

not real proud of that.
but it's there.

and it's up to me to talk to those depths......

i don't think there's a quick fix.
all i can think of is workin' with all the parts of me....
just over and over reminding myself that i'm not in the way,
that i matter, and that people's messages from long ago don't matter anymore.

and maybe grieve a little bit for a little girl who didn't know she was a treasure.

bein' a candle

2011-11-21T07:36:00.000-05:00

so i'm probably hacking up this whole thought i read in the
'conversations with god' book...but it's been workin' for me,
so i haven't gone back to see what all i've messed up.

it's just this little idea -

that you put a candle in the darkness.

it's job is to be a candle.
to experience its light.

that's it.
that's the deal.
experience its light.

the darkness is everything it's not.
and it's surrounded by darkness -
but in that darkness it can shine so bright.
all it has to do is be what it is.

okay. so i think i hacked that a bit.
but it's close.
and it's workin' for me.

and i've been playing with it.

i can think of things in my life that are like darkness to me.

and what happens to me is i get really muddled.

i think i was kinda trained to 'fix' things.
make things better.
believe in the pretty endings all the time.

so i don't think of myself as a candle.
more like a wrench or something.

so i get in this darkness and i get muddled.
i give everything of myself away trying to make this darkness
light - or at least LIGHTER - and i can't.

and i think there must be something wrong with me.
if i just give a little more, or try a little harder or be a little bit better,
it will all get lighter. that if i did it right, it would all be better.

and i've finally come to realize that's not true.

that things don't always lighten.

but i still get muddled.
those instincts are there.
and if i can't do that, i don't want to get near it all.
i feel like it will consume me and i don't know how to handle stuff.

and i think that's pretty much a good summary of how i've dealt with life.

but then this little candle idea comes along.

what if there's nothing to do but be?
be what you are?
and that's it.

even in the midst of things that you are not.

just be your light.

so okay, i've read this before, worked with this thought before.
as with a whole lot of my thoughts.
they come thru in cycles.
but it seems like each time they cycle down just a little bit deeper.

this one keeps workin' on me this time around.

every hard situation, i've been slippin' it in.
and it truly helps me to focus, and to not get muddled.

thing is....i haven't braved some of the stuff that i stay away from.
i haven't voluntarily braved those things.
i figure they'll get put in my face soon enough.

but if i can get the hang of this, who knows? maybe i'll venture in to those
things that i lock the door against now....

because a candle doesn't need to lock the door.
all it needs to do is experience its flame.

kinda a cool idea, isn't it?

speaking of honoring...

2011-11-20T10:21:00.000-05:00

my gosh, my buddy, mary, totally honored me and the guys
in her blog post....and i wanted to share!

wooo hooo! you read this and we sound pretty darn awesome!
and yeah, i know it's cause she loves us.
love can color people pretty darn beautifully!

and it's with great delight that i share it with you.

just click here!

honoring her today

2011-11-20T10:08:00.001-05:00

four years ago today she took her life.

she was only 18.

and i tell ya, i still think of her all the time.

she's inspired a few things i've created,
including the book 'honor yourself' -
which for me, is the most important thing i've
ever made.

she echoes in my head when i'm trying to
reach out to someone having a hard time.

and i think of her a lot when i look at my sons'
faces, all of them are now past 18. and with each
birthday they have, she floats in my mind, and i think
of how she won't ever feel their ages that they've
become.

and i have never once seen a violin since she's passed
without a certain feeling spreading all over me.

she's been on my mind a lot as i've been thinking about
trying to accept life and how it goes, and the idea of flowing with it.
i don't think i've ever 'accepted' much about her story,
and i know that. so when i want to see how i work and what
i feel, she's one of the places i go to.

it is now a tradition for me, i think this is my second year
of doing so, and i plan on doing it forever now...to hang
my outside holiday lights up on this day.

to add light to the darkness in her honor.
it's something i can do to remember.

so that's the plan today. and to think of her as i goof outside
with the guys. they know why i want to do this today, and all
of them are joining in. and that right there, is something
so incredible.

there will be love and light today in her honor.
and she will be so inside my heart today.

what door?

2011-11-19T08:03:00.001-05:00

it had seemed so profound as i rolled over
in the middle of the nite with the sentence echoing
in my ears -

'don't lift the buildings, go thru the door instead.'

it had come from a dream i had just had.
where i didn't have to lift a stack of buildings
to get to what was underneath...
(it was a dream, what can i say?)
that was the hard way......it really was as easy
as walking thru the door that led down there.

i woke up and lay in bed thinking about it.
it didn't feel quite as earth shattering this morning.

but as i type it, i like it all over again.

are the buildings me?
and the things that make up who i am?
and i want to get underneath all that and see
what's there?

absolutely.
that's been on my mind for a bit now.

it's as easy as walking thru the door that leads
down there.

hmmmmmmm.......
okay.

so where's the door?

a perfect day...

2011-11-18T22:08:00.004-05:00

i don't think i travel with anyone on the planet as well as i travel
with josh.

we have some sorta weird link where we can have the same
rhythms, the same moods...we can just think alike sometimes.
bob shakes his head sometimes and says it's like we're clones.
and it makes traveling together so easy.

it was josh and i on an adventure today.
and i gotta say it was one of the best days i've had all year.

we went to visit friends who are like family to us.
we went there to be there for them, and because i needed
to be with them.

we went to just get away and goof.

we went to just talk and be.

and we did it all.

when we got home and reported the trip to zakk and noah,
we were laughing in delight with all the things that they
would have hated.

to stopping to help the guy with car trouble, with josh pulling
out his wire cutters saying it was a wrench and then realizing
it was wire cutters while the very capable man looked at us
as if we had just landed from the moon, and then us realizing
the guy didn't need any help anyway and laughing and climbing back in the car...

to walking with a friend to the top of a mountain talking serious
about the passing of his mom and life and death and dealing
with loved ones passing as we gazed at the mountains...

to cackling with unbridled craziness as josh dictated a story he's
working on as he drove and i typed on his lap top egging him
on with complete and total joy.

"no! no! you gotta add this!" i'd say and egg him on more.....
he looked at me at one point, his face it up with a huge smile
and said 'it's two writers in the car!'

when we pulled to the corner to turn into my neighborhood i
looked up and said 'wow, we're home already.'

and i realized it was the first time ever that i pulled up at that
corner from being out of town without thinking about what time
i'd be home and timing it in some way. i had enjoyed every
second of the trip and never tried to figure out when it was
ending.

we just suddenly were there pulling into home,
gathering our treasures we had gotten along the way to
head in and show the guys.

it was a perfect perfect day.

and more!

2011-11-18T06:57:00.001-05:00

okay........had to share the other tidbits i read that made me gasp
as i read from 'women who run with the wolves' yesterday.

'if a woman is shunned, it is almost always because she has done or
is about to do something in the wildish range...It must be be remembered
that an oppressed woman not so much refuses to fit as she
cannot fit without also dying. her spiritual integrity is at stake,
and she will try to be free in whatever ways are available, even if
they put her at risk.''

"when the collective is hostile to a woman's natural life, rather
than accept the derogatory or disrespectful labels that are place
upon her, she can and must, hold on, hold out, and search for that
which she belongs to - and preferably outlive, outthrive, and outcreate
those who vilified her."

"So we cannot be shocked that there is entropy, deterioration, hard times.
let us understand that the issues that entrap women's joy will always shift
and shape change, but in our wild nature we find the absolute stamina,
the necessary libido for all necessary acts of heart."

those are some more of the tidbits i read.
i tell ya, i wanted to just grab the women in the room and read these
to them....but um....it just didn't seem like the right time.
as it was, it was all i could do not to gasp too loud!

i'm learning

2011-11-17T13:03:00.004-05:00

i had just bragged to my buds in email that i knew how to
take care of myself and as a matter of fact, i was gonna take
a cooking break today and just cook for the sheer fun of it.

half-way thru the cooking, my elderly neighbor called and needed
a ride to the doc's. she was scared and having a hard time.

not long later i found myself standing in a way overcrowded doctor's
office. my gosh, there were a lotta people there. i kept thinking how
lucky i was that i was just a driver and not a patient.

we waited an hour to see the guy. and i stood the whole time reading.
i started out with a little instruction book on welding i had brought.
when i finished that i went on to 'women who run with the wolves.'

and i grinned.
okay....i AM learning how to take care of myself...even in the midst
of helping someone else.

and i tell ya i read some awesome awesome stuff!

she tells of some experiment that's been done with dogs....
(and i know that's not cool to do to dogs...i do know that)
but it's about having a dog in some kinda kennel and shocking one
side of it and he learns to go to the other side, then changing sides
on him, and him learning to change sides, then wiring the whole floor
for random shocks so the dog wouldn't know which place to go to.
(i know, it sucks they did that) the dog acted confused at first, then
panicked, and then finally the dog 'gave up' and lay down, taking the
shocks as they came.

then when they opened the cage door, the dog didn't rush out. it could
leave at will but it stayed taking the shocks.

'when a creature is exposed to violence, it will tend to adapt to that
disturbance, so that when the violence ceases or the creature is allowed
its freedom, the healthy instinct to flee is hugely diminished, and the
creature stays put instead.'

'In terms of the wildish nature of women, it is this normalization of violence,
and what scientists subsequently termed 'learned helplessness,' that
influences women to not only stay with drunken mates, abusive employers
and groups that exploit and harass them but causes them to feel unable
to rise up to support the things they believe in with all their hearts: their art,
ther love, their lifestyles, their politics.'

holy cow!
that helped me a lot in understanding something i never could understand.
i thought this would be good to put here.

there's more great quotes......and they'll tumble out by and by here.........

the final act of taking care of myself was driving my neighbor home the way
i wanted to go at the speed i wanted to go - driving comfortable with how
i drive and letting my neighbor deal with it. that was liberating for me.
i used to go extra slow and whatever way she wanted. sigh. it's the little things
that i gotta take back sometimes!!!

i'm learning!!!

rambling wanderings

2011-11-17T07:37:00.000-05:00

there's all these strings inside me right now.

there's this really big one -
it's that i want to just enjoy my life.

that's it.

i want to laugh and be present and enjoy all that i've got.

i've been really concentrating on that.
big on my mind.
and i can see the affects of it. good stuff.
and i feel myself laugh and enjoy and i love it.

then there's the struggles - they're there.
and i don't want them to overshadow everything.
and i've been working on that.

and then there's this feeling where i want to get okay with all of life.
all of it.
the struggles too.

so i kinda look at the struggles and tilt my head and wonder about
all that.....can i get to a place where i'm okay with them?
can i get to a place where i trust that they're part of the journey?
REALLY trust?

i've been playing with that too.
i've thought all this stuff before...but i'm playing with it a lot more lately.

and then there's this string that i don't even know what we'd describe it as -
something in my life that deeply bothers me.
it's not a struggle....unless it's a struggle to get okay with it.
it's not like i have to do anything about it.
it's just there.
and it bothers me so much i don't talk to anyone about it.
bob hears bits and pieces, but no one really knows what's inside me about it.
it's too deep and i don't know how to share it.

it's kinda flaring up right now.
on my mind.

while at the same time, the wanting to enjoy life and be present is there,
and wanting to be okay with the struggles...
all this is tangled up inside of me.

i was thinking about the stuff i don't talk about with anyone, and i was thinking
of holding this sorrow that is so deep i have no words for it, while at the same
time being present in my life and enjoying it.

i don't have it down really good yet.
i'm just beginning.
but the older i get, the more i think i can see that this is how i need to learn to live.
i mean REALLY learn it.

right now i sorta dodge in between everything. try to deal with what's up at the
moment. sometimes sad, sometimes happy. dodging around.
but what if i stopped dodging and held it all all at once with the complete knowing
that somehow it was all okay?
somehow it had to be.
it is what it is.
really, really know that.

i've thought this stuff before, touched on it a little bit.
but this time......i'm thinking there is no other way to really really hold life.
and i know i gotta do it.
i'm filled with this feeling of it's time to do it.

so i'm looking at this tangled heap inside myself
and i actually think it's possible to pull this off.
not tomorrow, or next week...
but i think i can get there.

and i'm thinking that the big news that's buried in these thoughts is this -
to do that, i have to trust the capacity of my heart to not shut down and to
truly feel all this stuff at once....and i think i'm getting to the place where i
really want to...and i'm really really learning to believe in my heart.

moments

2011-11-16T08:22:00.002-05:00

and she couldn't come in from the rain...

it wasn't raining when i started.
just gray.
but then it started gently coming down.
and it just didn't stop.
and i couldn't stop either.

it felt so good. and i just didn't want to end the walk.

i wondered why more people don't walk in the rain.
on purpose.
for healing purposes.

cause there's something about it.

talk about washing your aura or something.
it's just so good.
i just glided thru the rain.
as if i belonged there.

and i smiled.
yesterday the highlight of my day was the smiles
being passed between my sons and i as we raked.
truly was by far the highlight.

this morning i didn't think life could get any better than
a walk in the rain.

these moments, i thought....live them, terri.
these are what matter.....