pass me my parachute please

okay.....please don't misunderstand this.
i'm not looking for a pep talk, so no need for
comments here.
what i thought i'd do is put something out that's
just floatin' around right now because i want to
be honest and real.

i didn't realize i gave any kinda impression that
i was clear in where i was goin' with life. i just
find that so confusing.

someone called today and asked me if i was always clear.

huh?!
me?!
i thought my muddleness was kinda written all over
my face.....

i made raspberry sounds in the phone when she asked me.
you gotta be kiddin' me?!

and then later this morning, it got quiet.
i haven't had much quiet lately.
and it got quiet.
and i was editing bone sighs.
and i got filled....filled....filled....
with self doubt and self criticism.

who are you kidding, ter?
this stuff isn't any good.
who the heck cares?
what the heck are you doin'?

yeah.
all those lovely thoughts.
it's hard and it's heavy and it's tiring.
yucky would be a good word.

so.
i wondered what i could do with it?

i can put it out here for one thing.
cause i'm thinking a lotta us have moments
like this.

and i guess what i'll do is put it on the shelf.

i don't really have the energy to argue it.
i recognize it as not good.
(brilliant of me, huh?)
and because of that will put it over there.

i'll see what happens from here.
i'm gonna keep editing and keep on goin' and
see how i feel in a bit.

one thing i've figured out.....
feelings change constantly.
gotta ride with the wind sometimes......

lookin' for my parachute......