a melt down...

yesterday morning i had a melt down.
it was brewing for days.
and it finally landed.

i had decided i wanted to go see a movie on my own.
i was 'off' and just wanted to get away a bit.
it was a morning showing. the theater was a few towns
over. i've been there plenty of times, but never drove
and never paid attention to how to get there!

sure enough, i missed the exit and got so incredibly lost.

i mean i got way way way lost.

at first i thought i could wind my way back and maybe
catch the movie...then when i figured that wasn't gonna
happen, i figured i'd just wind my way home.
hmmmm....then it came to a point i wondered if that would
ever happen. i couldn't find one thing that made sense to me.
couldn't find one road i knew what to do with.

it was raining hard and i hadn't a clue where i was.
i was crying, it was raining, and the meltdown had begun.
i knew it and settled into the car.
maybe this was the best place for me.

the gist of the meltdown was my life changing.
my relationship with my sons changing, trying to figure
out the healthiest way to live together, work together,
and step out of their way and let them go all at the same
time. my stepping into a life with bob which is getting
closer and closer and more and more real. and my wondering
if i ever had any independence and was i ready to lose it
again??? and thru all that i'd say to myself 'and you can't
even find the movie theater!!'

the movie theater became my symbol for independence.
obviously, i could do nothing right was my feeling.
i couldn't even find that.
obviously i was never independent because an independent
person can find a movie theater.

it became the symbol for all i was feeling i had never achieved.

i eventually made it home.
talked to the guys about things i felt we needed to talk about.
couldn't have gone better.

but when bob asked me this morning how i was and i answered 'mostly good.'
he laughed and said 'is that good except the parts that feel really lousy??'
um...yeah.

so there he was, not missing a beat asking 'did you address the independence
with yourself?' sometimes he's just so dead on right so fast that it stuns me.

um...no.
'well, that might be a good idea' he gently nudged.

so i walked.
and i thought of what i had done. the ending my marriage, the starting
my business, the complete lack of any support or safety net. the raising
the boys, the schooling the boys...i thought of it.....and i held it.
and i thought about how i tried to totally dismiss that and make the movie
theater thing the reality.

how i was trying to choose something that didn't matter and let that
over ride so many things that did matter.

not cool.
not healthy.
not right.

and i thought of my bone sigh....

'the power lie in the seeing.
until she could see herself
with her own eyes,
she would not regain her power.'

i smiled.
and i saw myself.
i really did.

i really did.
i understood about seeing myself.
i understood how important that was in a way i have never understood before.

i came home, changed, and went over to my dresser.
laying there is a beautiful necklace i received as a gift.
beautiful silver necklace with a white tree on it. means the world to me.
i put the necklace on thinking about my white tree.
and growing it.

there was no room for that movie theater garbage i was handing
myself....if it's gonna grow, i have to look at what's real
and i have to hold it.

holding the tree on my necklace, i closed my eyes and held all that
i had done these past ten years. getting lost on the way to the movie
theater may be something that never changes with me...and i'm okay
with that. no big deal. i know i can do anything i have to.

and i will.

and i think i needed to hold that before i could move forward.

knowing we're competent and knowing we're strong...
really really knowing it.
and knowing we're ready for the changes life is bringing
and embracing the beauty of those changes...

i think that matters.
and i think that grows those trees of ours.