believing

i walked.
and i thought hard.
i'm going to see him tonite.
the kid who sure seems to be throwin' his life away.
what do i say to him?
i walk. and the anger fills me.
i want to blast him up against a wall and tell him how
hurt and angry i am with him.

i walk and i think about that anger.
it's deep. way deep.
why so much?
what's it about?

oh my gosh.

i almost stop and stand still in the middle of the street.
woe.
yep.
there certainly is a button there.
yep.

i want to be enough of a reason for people to do what's
"right." i want my heart and my feelings and me to matter
enough to someone to do the right thing.

oh boy.
there's a whole lotta baggage comin' up with that one.
okay.
can see that clearly....i can let that go.
i know better than all of that stuff. i can let that go.
whew....feels real good to recognize it, know the source,
and know it's not applicable here. leave that be, ter.
life doesn't work that way.

so...okay....
what's the 'right' thing for me to do here?

the recent suicide i've been grieving pops into my head.
if i had a chance to say one last thing before she killed
herself...what would it have been??

maybe that's what i want to tell my young buddy. if it
could be the last thing i ever said to him, what would it
be?

i believe in you.
you matter to me.
whatever you do, wherever you go, i will always believe
you. i know what's inside of you. i've seen it. i know it's
mixed with darkness. i am not ignoring that part of you.
it is the whole thing i see.....and i believe in you.

i came home, typed it out in a letter for him.
i am going to go sit on his bedroom floor and say it with
words...and a few tears, i bet...and then hand him the
letter to read. and leave.

and then i'm gonna hang on to that belief no matter what.
because i think that's all i can do for him.
and i think that's going to be a big enough challenge for me.