september song

i had a dream about my dad last nite.
wasn't good.

it was in the middle of the nite.
i woke up and thought 'okay, give me some
dreams that will help me with all this, okay?'

i had a lot more dreams after that.
don't remember much of anything or any of
the meanings.....

but as i walked out of my bedroom tiny bits
of an old old song went thru my head.
'oh the days dwindle down to a precious few....'

and that's all i had.
i could hear it. but that's all i had.
i didn't know what song.......i just knew my
dad really liked it, whatever it was.

yo yo found it for me and i went to youtube
to hear it.......

frank sinatra singing september song.

my dad loved this song.

how totally weird.
i have no idea what happened last nite in my head....

but i'm listening to this song, thinking of my dad
and cryin' just a little bit.....

one of the most beautiful pictures i've ever seen...

if you haven't read about lady fair and patty yet
over at the tough angels site, i'm nudging you
once again.

patty's actually pulled off building a house
for lady fair and all the children that live with
lady fair! you can read about it here.

patty posted this picture up on face book today.
and for anyone who's not over there, i wanted to share this
with you. i put the edging on it....but it didn't really
need it....i just did it cause i wanted to touch it somehow.
i wanted to just touch the picture.

it's quite possibly one of the most beautiful pictures
i've ever seen in my life.

it's of patty and lady fair.

sometimes the world makes me fall to my knees and weep
with sadness for all the pain in it.

and then sometimes.....amidst that very pain, is this
beauty that is so blinding that it too can make me
fall to my knees. in an entirely different way.

this is one of those pictures....

lookin' the universe in the eye...or...um...sky.....

so i listened to that song again on the
treadmill this morning.....
among others....and i got inspired.
and i got to thinking.....
and i flipped back and listened to the
song again.....with a different perspective....

there's stuff in there about bein' your best,
that your number's been called and it's time
to do your best.....

it occurred to me that your number bein' called
doesn't have to be the big number calling....
the last number calling.

your number gets called all thru life.

step up here. and time to step up here.
and yep.....time to step up right over here.

again and again and again.......
and those are always times to do your best.

i feel kinda like i'm in a number being called
time for me right now.

small one.
but one just the same.

work's been slow. way slower than it 'should' be.
and that makes me mopey.

sounds a little silly when you're thinking of your
number being called.....

but ya see......work holds a lotta weight around here
for me. a whole lotta weight. and then the mopey runs
into other things.

there's some other stuff makin' me mopey.
i think i have it. i think i see the light, then i don't.
stuff hangin' over my heart right now that just makes it
heavy. add work bein' slow.....and i get mopey.

well......i got inspired by the song.....
and thinking that it's time to step up.
i thought i had several times these past few weeks,
only to get something else knock me back.

but i got to thinking about trust. and i was doin'
my thing on the treadmill, listenin' to this song,
thinking about trust......

i've got to do my best....

for me......that's all about trust.
i've got to step up and really really trust.

the time is now.....

i still feel heavy.
and i'm okay with that.
i've got my yin yang principal in mind.
there's always heavy. and this heavy right now
has to do with stuff goin' on this month.
it's gonna be a heavy month.

okay.
so?
there's heavy.

and it may very well be way way slower than
i would ever pick for this time of year and work.
so?
there's slow.

but when i think of all that i've been shown over
the past eight years about trust......

i know it's time to step up.
look the universe in the eye...um...or....sky
and say 'okay.
i got it. i'm trusting.'
and know it's all okay.

i think i've been too busy moping to see that til
now....

to me, this is earnin' the good stuff.
this right here.
and i want to earn it.
cause i know i can.

that song again......

i was coming up the attic steps
(the guys have their office up there...)
and i heard this song......and i was like....
woe.woe.woe. what is that song??? i know i've
heard it before.....i love this song.....

i walked into yo's office and said
"what is this?! i can't remember!'

'butterflies and hurricanes' he answered.
he just bought the album with it on there.......

i hit my head! 'of course!'

i want this song. i gotta walk on the treadmill
with this song today..........

he had turned it down while i was up there.
we actually had some business we were talkin'
about.

i headed back down the stairs, he turned it
back up loud....

i came right down here.
found it on youtube.
i've posted this before.........
but i'm postin' it again......

the woman who first sent this to me is terminally ill.
i just find it that much more meaningful when i hear it
because of that.
thing is.....we're all terminally ill.
we're all leaving here sooner or later.....

here's the lyrics:

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights, battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

don't,
let yourself down
don't let yourself go
your last chance has arrived

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

it was callin' me...

okay.
i couldn't stand it.
it's raining again this morning.....
i looked outside and the rain was just pullin'
and tuggin' and hollerin' for me to come out.
the wind was blowin' and callin' for me...

i looked out my living room window.
'darn it. i gotta go out there.'

i didn't want to miss sun up. and as i was
scootin' around getting dressed and makin'
my bed, i laughed at myself. there's no sun up
today, ter. it's raining!

oh yeah!

i went out with total glee feelin' like i was
sneaking into some place very precious.

at first i was surprised...i thought it was raining
harder than it was. a little disappointed as i wanted
to get soaked, i turned my eyes to the sky. the rain
felt like tears. ohhhhhhh it felt so lovely.
all disappointment vanished.

i walked and soaked up every bit of everything i could.
the leaves everywhere where just so beautiful....
the water flowing....the gray clouds blowin' fast across
the sky....it filled me so much that my eyes kept tearing
up with gratitude.

gosh, i've missed this.

at one point i couldn't figure out if it was my tear or
a raindrop near my eye. i stood there at my goodmorningworld
spot and tried to see if i could tell just by feeling.
i did. it was a tear.

on my way back, the wind was blowin' really nice against
me. i felt like i was gettin' my soul blown clean.

i thought about it. closed my eyes for a moment as i walked.

i thought about how sometimes i just want to curl up with
my mom holding me. and how that just wouldn't work anymore.
even if i had the most magnificent mom on the planet. that
what i need sometimes is bigger than any human can offer...

i opened my eyes.

seems like it's the sky that offers what i need, i thought.

and i just felt held.

i didn't want to go in.

i stood in my yard a few minutes.
tears runnin' down my face.
my soul was opening like it hadn't in weeks...

my soul was opening.....
and it felt so incredibly good.

four comments and a whole lotta wisdom....

i wrote the post below because i was filled with it
and i wanted to remind me and anyone and everyone
that reachin' out to others matters. sometimes they
can't reach out themselves. i was filled with that.
still am. that's why i wrote it.

i got four incredible comments. (if there's any more
after that, i just haven't seen them yet...)

so incredible i wanted to put out a piece of each...
if you haven't read the post that sparked them, it's
directly below this one. might want to read that first.

i actually didn't want comments. this one hurts a lot
and really just kinda shreds my heart a bit. so what
could someone say to help, ya know??? i was afraid any
comments would just poke the wound.

leave it to you guys to show me how wrong i am....

'lis comes along first. she's lost her sister. and she's
still whirling from the grief. she just recently lost
several friends....she's young. she shouldn't be losing
this many people. but she is. and she tells me she knows
what i'm feeling.

that right there.
that was all she had to say.
cause i know she does.
and that helped.
but she throws out the profound....maybe it would have
made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have.'

that sentence is so true.
and honestly.....there's a real real high chance it
wouldn't have. and i have to see that part too.

she shines so incredibly bright to me. i walked away
from her comment feeling understood.
a pretty good gift, i'd say.
i also walked away filled with melissa's spirit.
knowing she's had some real tough stuff and she keeps
shining.

then claire pops in.
i haven't talked to claire in years.
we exchanged emails years ago......it felt like an old
friend stopped by, with this piece of wisdom....

we must accept what people choose.

i had worked so hard on that. i really had.
i totally forgot that part. and the part that we
can't control things.
gosh, i have such trouble with that one....

i so want to control all this stuff. and claire
reminds me of the way it really is.

she ends it with a profound thought...
'if someone has never known the kind of trusting
love that you offer, how would they recognize it?'

i gotta believe she's known it. i gotta believe that.
for my sanity. (no controlling there, huh?)but i think
that's a really big thought to keep in mind anywhere.

then ms. sorrow (who totally needs to write a book)
captured exactly what i wished i had written...
how we can use that feeling to keep trying to be
there for the ones that are still here. 'i hold
this pain in my heart that i failed you. it is a tear
that never mends, and i pour my love into the world,
trying to be there for all the women whose face i
look into and see your eyes.' ........bingo.
that is it. bam.

and then the actual gramma came thru. go figure.
the post motivated her and reminded her to keep on
what she's doin'. i know she didn't need that. i know
she will anyway. but i smiled when i read it. cause
that's what i wanted to do....remind everyone.

i sat and looked at these comments and cried this
morning.

that's a whole lotta wisdom in four short comments.....
i figured they needed a post.

thank you for these.....lis, claire, sorrow, mona....
they mattered.

tearin' up....

i still kinda go with the theory that i scared her.
that i was a little too free, not religious enough,
and that maybe that kept her from me. but it doesn't
really feel like it can be enough....

i remember the very last time i saw her, i held both
her hands in mine and i looked her straight in the
eyes and told her 'don't let anyone tell you what
you can and cannot do. don't let anyone take your
dreams from you.' and then i told her that if she
needed to talk, i was right there.

and then i stepped back.
because i never believed she really wanted to talk
to me about this stuff.
i had a really strong feeling she wasn't comfortable
with me.

i couldn't come up with any reason besides the religious
one. she was very very religious. i was not.

and she never came to me.
never wanted to talk.

six months later she took her life.

someone wrote to me today.
she's bein' there for her 15 year old granddaughter.
it's a rough road. but she's gonna be there for her and
try to help her become a strong woman.

i teared up.
and i thanked her for being there for her.
told her it mattered.
and that i wasn't there for someone.

i've been tearin' up ever since.

i know.
i know.
i offered.

i can't understand why she wouldn't come to me.
i think of myself as loving and open and warm.
why wouldn't she come to me???

i know.
i know.
i've told myself all the things you guys are thinking.

it's just that time of year.
almost the anniversary of her death.
she's on my mind every day.
and i keep thinking that i coulda been way way more
present.

so why do i put this out there?
i really really don't want anyone to write and tell
me that i'm wonderful. thank you if you even think of that.

i put it out there cause i really think i dropped a ball.
no, i don't think i dropped the main ball.
there were people she did turn to.
people she did feel comfortable with.
people she did talk to.
and they did drop the ball.
they didn't listen.
they didn't act.

but at the same time.....there's a ball i dropped.

and the grandma that wrote me today brought it all back to
me.

we need to be there for each other.
and if someone can't come to us, maybe we ought to check
in here and there and see if they need us to come to them.

maybe i just shoulda done that.....

the noise outside. the noise inside.

i sat in my back yard to think today.
i watched a leaf fall and hit the ground.
i listened to the sound.
it makes a great sound when it hits all
the other leaves on the ground.

i wanna hear it again, i thought.
and so i sat and listened.

ohmygosh....what is all that noise??
we always hear traffic in my yard....
but this was never ending traffic/car/
truck noises.

i got so distracted.

does it always sound like this and i'm
just now noticing???

i saw a leaf not too far off fall.
i couldn't hear it hit.
way too much background noise.

what is that about??

i finally gave up...went inside.
bumped into zakk.

zakk, you gotta tell me if this is normal.

so i dragged him out to the back porch.

no. that's louder. he said.

hmmmmmm.......good.
cause it's too loud.
and i wondered if i was goin' crazy.

hopefully it's just a temporary thing.
hopefully.

hopefully it's just like the noise of life.

sometimes you don't notice it.
sometimes you can hear leaves fall and be
moved by the sound. and sometimes you can't
hear anything soft and gentle happening
around you.

it just depends on the day.
and the noise inside you.

the song!

ah! it's here! we finally have it up!

i just bought mine! it'll cost you 1.99
but every penny of that goes to patty and
her work in south africa.

this is the inner child song i've been talking
about. it's so so awesome!

done by my good good friends lynn hollyfield
and grace griffith.

download it and then make sure you got some decent speakers
you're listening out of......you're gonna love it.

wanna do some inner child work?
this song will get you in the mood!

click here to check it out! scroll down to 'diamond
in the rough.'