quite a day

we were driving home.
it was dark.

we started talkin' about how we did with
the day and what all it had meant to us.

somehow the rain the nite before came up.

i talked about it crying.
made me think of my blog.

i told them that i had tried to blog about
my feelings that morning and it took me five
or six tries. that i had trouble getting
into words where i was.

i grabbed josh's iphone and pulled up my 'amen'
blog and read it to the guys right there in the
dark as we were pullin' out of my home town.

my voice wobbled at the end...'i will hold today
with all the grace that i can...i will honor you
in the beauty that is me.'

there was a pause.

'well, you certainly pulled that off, mom.'
one of them said. 'you really did' another agreed.

i made a joke about it.
told them of the rough start i had right out of the
gate and how i wasn't sure i was gonna pull any grace
off at all today.

but i knew i had.
i could tell from the hug i got at the end.
i knew i had.

and my sons were right there with me, rooting me on.
and.......beyond rooting me on.....
they were doing the same thing......without even thinking
about it.

they were doin' the same thing.

i had to concentrate on doin' it.

they just naturally lived it right there next to me.

i looked out at the lights in the darkness, looked
up at the dark sky....and thanked the universe for
their grace and beauty....for their very presence.

it was quite a day.

to write love on her arms

i was on youtube tryin' to find a good link
to put here when my speakers went out on my
computer.

prolly a good thing as i woulda sat and listened
to all the links there...and there's a lot.

so.

i'll just point anyone who wants to be pointed....

if you haven't heard of 'to write love on her arms'
you may want to.

it's an important group working with teens and
depression.

there's a newscast there to give you the scoop,
there's the founder of the group, the girl who's
story started the group, and whole buncha stuff.

if you or anyone you know's depressed, check this
place out.

i've got my tee shirt on today from them.

google them:
to write love on her arms.

youtube them:
to write love on her arms.

there's a lot there!

amen.

the rain woke me up.
it was so loud.
it was just pouring buckets on my roof.

i opened my eyes.
looked at the clock.

the timing was perfect.

the sky was weeping with me.

this morning as i walked thru the puddles
of tears, there was a crispness in the air.

it's both.
puddles and puddles of tears.
and the hope of a new day in the air.

bowing down to her beauty, and the beauty of
the sky...i reach out and hold my day as the
gift that it is.

for all those who have passed in tremendous pain,
i will hold today with all the grace that i can.
i will honor you in the beauty that is in me.

singing to myself...

tonite's an emotional one for me.
and so i thought i'd time the treadmill
and get movin' on that to set a decent mood.

ohmygosh.
how did i ever keep my sanity without that
thing???

i got on there and disappeared.
thing is, some of the places i went to were
rough.

i flashed back to some things i didn't want
to flash back to. but i did.

and i walked on that thing and i cried and
i cried and i walked harder and i cried harder.

i walked myself outta that place and into
a better one.

i was finishing up and i said 'no, wait...
one more song...'

it's a song i have on my ipod because it makes
me think of someone i love.
it's about bein there for them in the darkness.

i'll put that on some days and sing it to them
in my mind.

tonite....i decided to sing it to me.

and so i did.

i decided to run thru that one.....
and i sang it to me in my
head.....sang to myself how i'd be there no matter
what and when it didn't feel like i could get up
again, i'd be there....

i sang my little heart out.

i'm drinkin' water, sweatin, and thinkin how
we really are our own best friends.

we just have to remember that......

and the flame noticed...(part one)

we sat on the couch last nite talkin'.
he was talkin' about sadness.
he was feelin' it about his own things.
'i don't remember it being like this before.'
i said to him. 'i guess it's the age...people
die, things happen...'

he nodded and listed the things that had
happened since we've known each other. the deaths,
the things that have changed that we can't fix,
the losses, the loss of hope in some places,
all that stuff.

i started talkin' about someone's health problems,
and he brought up a guy he knew who was really
doin' well. i stopped and asked him....'does he
really reach out to other people?' i told him i
asked cause i saw it all the time with the people
coming thru bone sighs. the ones who can really reach
out beyond themselves, those are the ones who get
up again and don't just survive, but become.

he nodded. knew what i meant. but said this guy
seemed to focus on gratitude.

ah, yeah.
gratitude.

we talked of gratitude and reaching out being magic
in what it does for people. how that was an incredibly
powerful combination.

after he left, i sat on the couch by myself.
thinking.
there's too much sadness right now. it's ridiculous.
it's all around me. i've got to focus on the good or
i'm just gonna sink.

and then i took my walk this morning...

this little light of mine....(part two)

it was foggy out this morning.
i put the mail in my mail box, and turned to
take my walk. without even thinking i began
to sing out loud 'this little light of mine,
i'm gonna let it shine....'

i grinned. stupid song. perfect message.
and i sang it a few times.
perfect morning for it. foggy. that's what my life
seems like right now.

i gotta let my light shine, i thought.
i really really got to.
it's too foggy right now not to.

i walked, sang, and thought.

'that's it!' i thought.
'my gosh, that's it!'

i have been strugglin' for a week here tryin'
to figure out how to be there for people right now.
there's a lotta different people with a lotta different
sadness and everywhere i turn the way they need me isn't
my natural way.

i struggle. and i try to bury my light.

oh no.
oh no.

i can be there for them the way they need, and still
quietly shine my light.
still stay on the sidelines, holding up a candle...
even if all that means is that i keep an awareness of
light inside me.

and then the visualizations started.
i pictured some of the really hard times i've been
thru with people. i went back to myself in each picture,
and i placed a candle in my hands. one time, it was
too hard to even hold a candle up, so in my hand which
was hanging at my side, i hung a lantern in my fingers.

'you don't need to hold it up, girl. just keep it in
your fingers.'

it was like the floodgates opened.
i went to all kindsa dark places and just put light
on myself in some form.

'all i need to do is remember the light,' i thought.

and this feeling of sacredness started filling me.

nothing symbolizes sacred to me as much as light in
some form.

and then i thought of my beams of light......
and a whole new set of visuals came out....

beamin' everyone...(part three)

in a total act of humility here, i will
admit to doing something that sounds stupid.

i beam love at people thru my eyes sometimes
on purpose.

there.
i said it.

sometimes i just consciously think i want to
beam some love at someone, and so i do.
thru my eyes.
i usually scrunch my cheeks like some kinda
beam trigger.

i'm laughing.
this is actually true.
this is so embarrassing.

but it matters to the story....so there ya have it.

i started thinking about beaming light to everyone
i knew who was struggling right now.

ohmygosh, way harder than i ever imagined.

some were easy.
i started there.
i threw in my kids, cause i love to beam light at them.
they are so easy. the light kinda transforms into this
big ol' light hug. then i beamed bob and laughed. that
wrapped all around him and bounced off in a million
directions...just a whole lot there.
and then i turned to the harder ones.
and the tears started coming.

there's been anger and frustration and resentment
and all kindsa negative things mixed in with a lot of
this stuff.

that left.

you can't beam love and still hold that stuff.
it left.

compassion entered in.
and tears rolled down my cheeks.

one person woudln't turn and look at me.
he stared away from me. angry look on his face.
i had to try really hard. i found a place of love,
and beamed him.

he didn't change.
but i did.

maybe just for a moment.
i don't know.

but i was filling up with compassion with each
beaming. the tears were rollin'.

and i was touching sacred over and over again.

gratitude.
reaching out to others.
those are the things bob and i had mentioned
that did wonders for people.
don't forget compassion.
that's a big one.

and something else.....
something i don't understand enough to even try
to put into words....

the touching of the sacred, the knowing without
understanding of the holy.

that happened to me this morning.
and i'm still filled with it.

i think maybe some of those beams beamed my brain
or something.

cause i'm different right now.
still touched by the holy.
and not even sure what that means.

quotes

this just fell out of my book.
i had hand written these out.
i know the second one has to be from
women who run with the wolves.
i'm not sure about this first one...

more sharing..

'you will be called upon to account
for all the permitted pleasures in life
you did not enjoy while on earth.'

and then...

'to repair injured instinct, banish
naivete, and over time to learn the deepest
aspects of psyche and soul,
to hold on to what we have learned,
to not turn away,
to speak out for what we stand for...
all this takes a boundless and mystical
endurance.
when we come up out of the underworld after
one of our undertakings there, we may appear
unchanged outwardly, but inwardly we have
reclaimed a vast and womanly wildness.
on the surface we are still friendly, but
beneath the skin, we are most definitely
no longer tame.'


smilin' big time here......

women who run with the wolves

i had a dream last nite that scared me.
i remembered reading something about this kinda
dream in my all time favorite book 'women
who run with the wolves.'

so there, at two in the morning,
i stood in my kitchen reading what the author
had to say about this kinda dream.

it was a good thing.
meant things were changing inside me.
i actually felt better and went back to sleep.

i've just been skimming thru the book.
i have a thousand things underlined. i think
it may be time to read it again from cover
to cover.

i saw this and had to share:

'the old inuit say that the breath of god and
the breath of a human, when commingled,
cause a person to create an intense and holy
poetry. it is that holy poetry and singing
we are after.....

when a woman speaks her truth, fires up her
intention and feeling, stays tight with the
instinctive nature, she is singing, she is
living in the wild breath-stream of the soul.'

>>>>>

my gosh.
i love this book.