the whole darn stinkin' point......

i've got stuff goin' on inside me that i just figured would make no sense to anyone else.
but a friend's pain today inspired me to try to put this out there.
i don't think it will help her at all.
but if i believe in telling her to offer yourself thru the pain,
then i figure i should put my money where my mouth is.

if you don't work with your inner child, if you don't feel you have one,
or if that whole inner child stuff makes no sense, go ahead and pass on this blog.

cause that part is so central to this whole thing.
it's SO SO SO SO about the inner child part of me.

it's the part that's just full of light and love and innocence and play and goodness.
it's the part that will so easily get squashed by this world.
so much so that we hide it and protect it so much of the time.

it's a big part of my personality.
and when i let that part out, i don't realize how vulnerable i am.
until i get hit.

recently that part of me was not only out in full force,
she was having a ball and really really open.
and then........as so easily happens in this world.....
BAM.

in one quick moment, her world crashed in.

i don't mean to be melodramatic......i just have no other way to say it -
it just feels like that part of me is crushed.

the reaction is so strong.
and it takes all i have to maintain my composure and to act like everything is really okay.
when inside i feel a crushing, a door slamming and major running away and hiding.

and so........this happens.
because i don't think you can be in the world, show that part, and not have it happen
here and there. i just think that's how it works.

i immediately understood it was my inner child.
that in itself is progress.

i tried to attend to that part of me the second i was alone and could.
that again is progress.

here's the part that feels like it negates any progress i make -
if i can have different parts of me - as in an inner child,
then it's really easy for me to also have another part of me that just does not like
this whole inner child stuff. i think that part is actually trying to help.
to help protect me. to help keep me safe.
it sees the inner child enthusiasm as a set up for pain.
and so it wants to shut that part down.
telling that part it doesn't like the way it is.

i realize this probably makes no sense to anyone else.
but i gotta try.
cause if it does, we need to talk about it.

so there's part of me showing compassion to this innocent and vulnerable part.
but at the same time there's another part telling that innocent and vulnerable part
it just causes trouble.

man.
talk about a conflict.
there's a whole wrestling match inside me.

and then, of course, it hits buttons and issues and swirls things around inside big time.

suddenly, there's things to work on.
when a moment ago i was just havin' fun.

it's discouraging to me to see progress, and yet to see this other part of me hindering
so much of the progress. it's not helpful to have one part degrading another.

but in typing it out, i do see that the negative part truly is trying to protect me.
and that does help.

it's the ol' how to live in the world and stay open.
when you yourself can't even accept your openness -
how can you blame others for not embracing it?

what a challenge.

it discourages me - so much of it discourages me.
that my world can be shut down in a moment.
that part of me doesn't like another part of me that truly is beautiful.

but then again - maybe i need to see it as a journey into really learning how to
love all of myself. how to really really see, embrace and accept all the parts.

i know darn well that when it's all over for me,
that's what i want to have accomplished.
because if i get that, i have really learned how to live.

sigh.
okay.
okay.
okay........i'll keep at it.

cause that's the whole point, isn't it?