why is it i forever want to make everything right for everyone?!
why?!
i caught myself in that spot yesterday in such an outlandish way that
it even made ME stop and shake my head!
then i found myself doin' it again.......
getting ready to give something very important to myself away....
it doesn't matter, i told myself. i can handle it. and they'll feel better.
woa. hold up.
yeah......it does matter.
and what does 'handling it' mean??
getting thru????
is that what you want your life to be???
getting thru???
i thought you had enough of that???
better look at this, ter.......cause if you're ever gonna really
live a life of honest, real, and believing you matter........
you're choosin' the wrong turn here.
so what is it???
i'm thinking maybe it's a lack of trust....trust in several things......
lack of trust in the other person to take care of themselves.....
yeah, that's there.
lack of trust that it will end in a 'nice' way.........
oh yeah, definitely there.
lack of trust in me........BINGO.
am i really valuable enough to do what needs to be done to take care of me?
am i really valuable enough to say this isn't good for me,
i'll just go over here where it's healthier......??
am i really valuable enough to do the things that make me happy???
hmmmmmm...........
but 'they' matter too........shouldn't i take care of 'them' too??
...the one's i'm tryin' to make it right for..........
maybe the best way of taking care of another person is
living my truth, my real, my life the healthiest way i can........
and allowing them the same, and leaving that up to them.
maybe that's respect for everyone.
all well and good until i have to interact with them.
then what do i say???
what do i say when they say this?????
or what do i say when they say that???
ahhhhhh.........so is there fear that i can't be honest?
fear that i'll hurt them with my honesty?
fear that they'll say something to hurt me??
yep.
well, i can be honest.
it probably will hurt them.
and, yeah, they probably will hurt me.....
so??
what's the goal???
to avoid hurt or to live real?
to avoid hurt or to show all those little terri's inside
of you that they matter.......and you're going to stop setting
them aside...........
deal.
i know what i gotta do.........
as compassionately as i can..........as honestly as i can.........
with knowing that i matter....all the parts of me matter.............
i'm gonna go take a walk in the rain........and tell my little terri's
that i choose them this time!!!!!
2 comments:
*tears* i'm getting this.... again....
if i could always look my little one in the face and ask her if she is worth standing up for.... yes, yes, yes! she is definitely worth finally being first on some one's list... namely mine.
but her and i are one now, we are me. and me, well, me feels better being last somehow.... feels more comfortable not having put anyone else second. feels like i have been more giving and more kind and loving and not selfish... it's the transition into knowing i need and deserve, and am worthy of something and believing that needing it and getting it isn't selfish that catches me in the craw i think.....
hmmm trusting the others to get what they need too.... and fearing other's judgements mingling with my own insecurities... so much to study out....
this is a beautiful post terri, as usual! your thoughts, are so full of such good light.
thanks, greatly, for sharing
~still
ps thank your son for staying on you about blogging, he was right! :O)
If you don't take care of yourself you certainly can't take care of or be there for anyone else. It starts first from within. You matter. You are somebody. Never forget that. Good work. Hard I know, but you made the right choice.
It will never be an equal relationship with anyone if you aren't taking care of your half, yourself. I don't know the situation you are in but I have over and over found this to be true.
~Love, Janine
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