a journey of a life time

'it's the journey of a lifetime' i said.
i heard myself say it....and i smiled.

i just hung up with a friend. we ended up talking about love
and intimacy. he was tellin' me about maybe wanting to partly
love someone...but not the full deal.

funny timing. driving this morning, i got caught behind a slow
moving pickup truck hauling a race car. it was a car my kids would
have drooled over, so i smiled. i couldn't get mad. i knew he was
hauling precious cargo....so i settled myself in for a slow drive and
plenty of time to think.

love was the topic on my mind. and my mind rambled.
i got to thinking about so many people throwing around the
word 'love' when they don't have a clue what it means to
really love. i thought of how i was just at the very beginning
stages of understanding pieces of it. and i thought of someone
really important to me who couldn't love me. and i thought about why.

i honestly believe to love wholly you have to be whole.
and while i know 'whole' is a pretty big word, i really mean 'as close
to whole as you can get.'

and i think that the love i couldn't get, and the love i couldn't give
was/is because of the obstacles that were/are there preventing the
wholeness of me or the other person.

that right there seems like a pretty big thought. it seems to take the
'blame' away or something...and yet, i see a lot of responsibility in
there at the same time.

i'm wondering if intimacy is almost like a measuring stick to it all.
the quality of the intimacy, the depth of it, whatever that
intimacy is...it's a mirror reflecting the love. that's an interesting
thought after the conversation i just had. can you have a part way love?
then do you have part way intimacy? then do you have part way wholeness?
how does it all tie in???

i'm thinking it all ties in beautifully.

loving someone completely, being vulnerable and trusting
and open....those things just don't happen.
it's not just chemistry......
it's work and it's scary, and it's decisions and choices...
and it's a journey. and there is no way on earth it's a
part way thing.

i think that's a rule somewhere.
journey's of a lifetime can't be part way things.......

and i'm kinda glad about that. cause i think i'd be chicken
enough to only go part way if they were! as it is....
i'm in for the whole deal. the whole shabang. learning how
to be whole and loving whole....all the way to beyond....