life is short

woke up kinda unsure of the day....
no.
VERY unsure of the day.
thinking that i'm going to either spend the day facing
things that are really hard for me, or ignoring things
that are really hard for me.
don't feel much like doin' either.

my insides are spinnin' so much, i haven't been able to
settle 'em in to look at them.

and then i get a note from a girlfriend. a beautiful, long
note that tells me she was thinking of me last nite as she
listened to another friend figure out his worth. his value.
his deserving of the good.

i cried as i read the note. she ended it with reminding me
that life is short. reminded me of the recent losses in my
life....and that i really don't have all the time in the world.

shoot. i'm tryin'. i'm tryin'.

but not hard enough.
cause i don't want to try today.

part of me is sayin' 'that's okay. take a break from tryin'.
you can't try all the time. you need to take a break.'

i like that idea.

and i truly believe there's times for breaks.
i also know today isn't one of those times.

i think because i've stirred up some big stuff, because
i've touched some of my really raw spots, that i have
the chance to get somewhere now.

here's the thing that fascinates me......

when it gets really hard to do.....why do i want to stop so
badly? why is it so hard for me to push thru?
do i want the change or not?

i think back to birthing my sons. when it got really tough,
i got really quiet, focused only on working with my self,
and did what i had to do. the determinatiion to do what had
to be done drove me beyond anything i could have imagined.

will i do the same to birth myself?

as my friend so lovingly reminded me.....life is short.