she matters

i'm just sittin' here.
i need to go get some sleep....
gonna get calls later tonite....
need to sleep in the meantime....
and i'm just sittin' here.

she was suicidal tonite.
that's a stupid word.
she tried to kill herself before she called.
it didn't work. she tried several things.
then the call.
we talked. she cried a lot.

i tried real hard.

there's many a long story involved here...
all i know right now is she's at the hospital.
not for physical stuff. but for emotional stuff.

maybe it will all go in a good direction.
i'm not counting on it.
but i also know i can't read life.
or death.

it always surprises me.

i sit here and watch myself...
i'm kinda numb.
my guy was here tonite. helpin' me thru.
as he left he told me to love myself.
not beat myself up.
cool guy, huh?

i'm tryin' hard.
i keep seein' all i did wrong.
and i tend to go in the beat up direction.

but i see something else too....
what was missing tonite from her life....
why she could do what she did....
because she just didn't love herself.
there's pain. major horrible deep pain...
but there's more.......and the not loving
herself tipped her over the fence, i think.

somehow, i'm not gonna beat myself up tonite....
for her.
i'm gonna love myself for her.

we have got to learn how to do that for ourselves,
for each other........

it matters.
she matters.
we all matter.