gentleness and soft listening....

so i grabbed myself by the shoulder and
headed out for a walk.

anger, frustration, sadness, all kindsa things
had landed and i was feelin' pretty cruddy.

okay. you want to wallow or get somewhere?

i hate it when i ask myself that. i wish i'd
stop doin' that. you can't very well say
yeah, i want to wallow all day.

well, actually.....i DO say that.....and then
it's 'okay okay okay let's get somewhere.'

i've still got the drill sergeant part of me
in charge. i get this thought runnin' thru:

so you're all independent cause you can go under
your house and fix something, huh? how about this?
REAL independence is knowing what's goin' on inside
of you is all yours and it's your deal to work with.
it's up to you what your day is like. it's up to you
what your life is like.

sigh.
okay. okay. okay. i said i was in. i'm in.

you want an open heart. first place to open it
is with yourself.

that did it. the tears came right on out.

drill sergeant left, another ter stepped in....

you have anger. anger is fear. what are you
afraid of?

thoughts ran thru....and then the oddest thing happened.
i started the 'did you know?' thing that someone did
to me recently (thanks, tina)....

did you know, ter, that you felt.........
did you know, ter, that this made you feel.....
did you know, ter, that this hurt because....
did you know, ter, that you're afraid of.......

oh man.
i have no idea why that worked, but that sure hit
some spots that needed uncovering.

and then.....a memory landed.
i guess all the questions somehow reminded me of
the song i sang to my dad while he was dying.
i NEVER sing in front of anyone but the kids...
but he was in a coma...maybe that's safe....
i don't know....i just sang.

and i saw myself sitting there by his side..and i
saw the gentleness in me....and i cried.

i'm not real good with gentleness to myself.
and the open heart with myself today....
wow....
that just feels right.

so i sang my dad's song to myself on the walk,
i let the tears come on out, and i eased up on
myself....

today is open your heart to yourself day.
makes me smile.

what in the world does that mean??
i don't even know what it means.....how will i
do it??

i'm thinking it starts with some gentleness towards
myself and some real soft listening....
after that? who knows!