just mulling a bit.....

i tried for a zestful day...
got emotion packed instead.
close?
prolly not really.
but you get what you get sometimes.

something came up today that hit a chord
inside of me that gets hit too often.

it's the balancing act of the child like
part that just wants to play and enjoy
everyone....and the adult part that knows
there has to be rules on that. and sometimes
you just can't play.

gosh i find that so difficult.

it's the balance stuff.
i really just don't seem to be so good at
that. and it's the squashing of play...
i get so sad when play is viewed as not okay.

and normally when i hit this spot, i roll
right into self doubt and think i'm just a
freak that will never fit in.

yeah, i rolled in there today. but i didn't
stay! that right there is progress. i felt it.
it's that old familiar feeling that just covers
ya up. i felt it.

but something that's been goin on lately....
i've been feelin' things, noticing things and
then pushing them aside a whole lot easier and
faster than usual. sometimes anyway.

i did it today....didn't hold on to the freak
feeling....but did acknowledge the sadness at
the loss of play...and allowed that.

it's like i took the unhealthy and set it aside,
and still allowed sadness.

i separated them. and discarded part.

woe.
go figure.
that's kinda cool.
i don't remember doin' that before.

and i noticed something.
the sadness at not being able to play....
it's big.
it's deep.
and it's got to mean something.

i'm an adult woman. i'm not a kid.
why is there such a huge part of me that
just wants to have fun and love everyone
and have everyone get along and play together
nicely?!!! what planet am i from sometimes???

how is it there's such a little kid inside of me??

my guy likes that part of me. if i cover it up
for some reason he says he misses it and i'm not
the same.....he says it's a good thing and he hopes
i never lose it....

i'm thinking it's kinda a weird thing and i'm wonderin'
why i have it.....

i don't mean that in a bad way where i'm belittling
myself. i mean that in a really curious kinda way.

what's kept that part there?
and why does that part get so hurt when it can't
come out and play?

why are there some parts that stay and some parts
that go and how do i nurture it all to keep it, but
keep it in a healthy way?

who the heck knows.
i don't.

but i think i wanna give it all some thought.

there's a lotta parts to me.
i want to pay attention to them and honor them
and love them and maybe provide my own play when
the rest of the world is busy being grown up....

wouldn't that be cool?
my own best friend.
for real.
right inside me.

right inside me in the world where love always wins
and play is always welcome.......