i choose not.

when i was growin up, my whole neighborhood
was like extended family. all the neighbors
hung out with each other and there was a whole
lotta in and out of the houses.

i vividly remember the ladies sittin' around
the table havin' their ice tea.

and they had this air about them....

one i didn't think about as a kid. but one
i can tell ya, i never wanted when i grew up
to be their age.

recently, i walked into a situation with other
women where for a brief moment in time, i felt
like that group of women that used to sit
around the different neighborhood tables.

ohmygosh.
i didn't like it.
didn't want to be a part of it.

i walked into it innocently enough, and it
didn't take long to feel this underlying bitterness
that everyone was carryin' around.

this morning on my walk i called it 'the bitter
old lady club.'

funny, they were prolly all younger than i was!
but they seemed so old.

it seems to me that they took the hurts and pain
and closed themselves down to protect themselves,
did some sorta spin on it to convince themselves
they were getting wise as they got older, and that
the really knew this was the way of life and the
way to be.

ugh.

no thanks.

so i thought about it.
the closing down with hurts and pain part...
that's such a lesson thing for me.
i do not want to do that! and that's such a
natural reaction! but one i think definitely needs
to be worked with. i think that will be a lifetime
project for me.

and the wise stuff........
ya know, one thing i figured out........
those who walk around thinking they're wise aren't.

seems to be part of wisdom has got to be that you
understand you don't know any answers.

maybe wisdom is knowing some of the underlying stuff
and living that.

you know......like how not to close down. and why not
to. or stuff like that. the foundation stuff. maybe
wisdom has that down.

i don't know. not there yet!
but i do know i'm not bitter yet either!
and i want to keep it that way!

i do not want to be part of the bitter old lady club ever!

and i saw what i fear most....
they're protecting themselves.....and in the protecting,
they've lost the living part.

how is it we think it's okay to lose that????
how is it we think it's okay to walk around like zombies
and smile???

my gosh.
because it protects us????
from what???
and at what cost???

if you lose your sense of life and passion to keep from
hurting.....what have you gained?

is the pain that horrible?
if the pain's so horrible that you chose not to really live,
what's the point?

and at what level do we draw the line?
a ton of pain?
okay, maybe.

a little pain?
i've closed down over a little pain.

medium pain?
i'v definitely closed down over medium pain.

at what point do we stop closin' down?

really really good lessons for me.......

i remember reading this line in one of my favorite
books........it said that there comes a time in
every woman's life where she has a decision to make....
will she be bitter or not?

i remember reading that years and years ago.....

i choose not.