i hate to tell you this but....

i took a walk with a head full of thoughts.
responsibility was the big one.
taking responsibility for the things we do.
whirling around me in perfect position for me to
watch is that NOT happening big time. the NOT taking
responsibility. it's all around me in different acts
of one big show.

it's blaring, glaring and blinding.

and way way damaging.

so i watch and i think and i ponder....

in the pondering i realized something for the first
time ever...

there is someone who as long as i can remember would
start off some of her thoughts with 'i hate to tell you
this, but...'

i have ALWAYS hated that.
and i would physically react.
my stomach would curl in like the top of a wave and then
get tight.

i thought i reacted because i resented the presentation,
and the attitude.

today i realized that part of the reaction was to the destructive
message that was ALWAYS given after that intro.
always.
and it was masked as wisdom. that's important. the show of
wisdom added to the sickness of it all.

i am stunned when i look back at it.
somewhere deep down i knew. but i didn't consciously know until
this morning.

i mostly saw in it bad advice. unfortunately, i can think of one
time i took it....
and unfortunately, i know of other people who have been profoundly
affected by taking it also.

to spend a lifetime giving damaging advice as if it's wisdom,
to never see the destruction you leave in your path....
to never take responsibility for the damage you caused...

how can that happen?
that's just one part of the responsibility show i'm watching.
there's many angles to it. many selfish, self centered, sick
angles.
and the destruction i see reminds me of the woods being ripped
down on my street.
it's the same searing, sickening, mindless, greedy in a weird
sense destruction.

i walk, i ponder and i know that i can't stop it.
and so i turn to me.
there's a lotta sickness in this show in front of me right now,
and i have decided the only way i can effectively deal with it,
is to try to be as healthy as i possibly can be.
that's all i can do....and that's a whole ton that i can do.

my guy was a bit worried about me this morning and checked in to
see how 'my insides were.'

i told him i figured out that i had to do something because that's
how i work. i react. have to DO something.
the doing this time is to be really healthy. eat right, exercise,
take care of me, and not let that sickness creep in and drive me.
i figured out my responsibility right now is to me.

and that in doing that i would feel like i was doing something.
it's like using health to counter the sickness.
it seems like a start anyway......