punishment or gift?

sometimes i really do wonder if there's
some kinda challenges that are set there
for me......i really have to shake my head
and wonder....

i walked. it's gorgeous out this morning.
i spent most of the walk thinking about being
on my own.

it's been somewhere around 7 years i've been
on my own (depends on how you figure it...)
and i thought of how far i've come.

i remembered the beginning days. those nites.
layin' in bed cryin' cause things hurt so bad
and wishin' for either those really strong
man arms around me, or those really nurturing
mother arms. and settling for the blankets
and just aching.

i followed myself over the years, and i saw
the growth this morning. knew i was really okay
on my own. that i had grown so much stronger.

questioned a few thoughts about it.
and came up feelin' pretty good.

and then the test.....

someone from my past has told me that he really
wanted to punish me, hurt me. i knew it already
when he told me, but somehow it helped hearin'
him say it. made me feel less dramatic in my own
mind. i knew it was truth.

he did an incredibly good, intricate job of it.
he wove it together so complicated, i think the
'punishment' will last my entire lifetime.

it comes up at different times in different ways.

bam.
there on the walk.
right in my face.
an encounter that i really didn't want to have.
an encounter that was tainted by his 'punishment.'

what can ya do?
you face what you gotta face.

i faced it with as much grace as i could muster.

as i walked away where no one could see my face,
i could feel the hot tears runnin' down my cold
cheeks. and the hurt fillin' up inside.

i thought of him. i thought of all the damage he'd
done...and i felt terrible.

and then i stopped.
wait a minute.
okay.

are you REALLY okay on your own?
these people just let you know you were on your own,
they certainly weren't with you. they didn't want
anything to do with you...

are you REALLY okay with that?

do you REALLY believe all that you just had thought
about, ter.......

and i smiled.
yeah.
yeah.
cause the part about bein' on my own.....

there was another part to that.....
it was that i don't feel lonely because i'm not alone.
i have strong, deep love all around me.

it doesn't have to be physically at my side all the time.
it doesn't have to be something i can see with my eyes.
it's there. and i know it's there.
it's there like it's never been before.
i can feel it.

it's part of me.
and that's why i can be on my own.
because i've got all that in me.

this other stuff......
it doesn't matter.

i wiped the tears off my cheeks.

i learned along the way that punishment doesn't work.
it actually hurts the person who gives it out.
they are only hurting themselves.
i believe that.
but figured i got hurt along the way pretty good too.

this morning.....i'm wondering.......
was his 'punishment' more of a gift???

have i learned how to be on my own so well because of that??

have i grown into this woman i really like because of that???

ohmygosh......i think it's very very very very possible.

when i can really feel it and know it and believe it and cry
no more tears about it.....i think i'll send him a thank you note.

that may be my test.
when i can walk away from a moment like this morning and there
are no tears.

i had them today.
but i wiped them off and left them on the road.

and i'm feelin' pretty darn good about that........