back and forth

we were up at the bank for a long time.
different things to take care of.

one of which was my will.

standing there getting the ladies up there
to witness it...
the phone rings.
one teller answers and says 'hey, baby! how
you feelin'???'
turns out she's talkin' to another teller who
is out sick today.

i hear her say into the phone, 'guess who's here?'

and i'm thinking nooooo she's not gonna say it.

sure enough i hear 'josh's mom!'

there's laughter. and i put my head in my hands.

the one on the phone has never met me and wants
to know if i'm like josh. they joke about how alike
we are.

EVERYONE knows josh.
it's such a cool thing.
and so very cool the happiness that guy spreads around.

when i told josh i was headin' up with my will he said
'just be aware that one of the ladies just lost her husband.
just be sensitive to that.'

and i smiled.
what a heart he has.

and sure enough, we got that lady.
and we talked of her husband.

it was very real and intense.

the whole day was like that.
real and intense and heavy things people were dealing
with, and laughter and goofing and light stuff mixed
in between.

sometimes the contrasts i witness in one day make
my head spin.

today was one of them.

finish laughing, then go talk serious with a friend
with major health problems. finish serious, then go
be stupid with someone else and laugh a lot. finish
that and then go talk about what it's like to have
your husband die in the car as you're taking him to
the hospital. finish that and come back and laugh with
the boys. finish that and go talk about grieving with
someone else.

all day.
back and forth.

i see such tremendous beauty around me and fill with
joy. i hear such tremendous pain and fill with
sadness.

i don't think i ever understood until very recently
that i'll be juggling both in my heart constantly now.

because that's what life is.....
it's both.
you really can't have joy without loss can you?

wow.
what a juggling game it all is....