body, mind and spirit

years ago i got myself a ring that has the words
'body, mind, spirit' on it.

i wore it as a reminder to live with all three
in mind in everything i do.

interestingly enough, i stopped wearing it a short
time ago.

yesterday i had a revelation.

i noticed that when i felt things, i wasn't feeling
them in the same way.

somehow i've been aware of this for a little while
now. but not clearly. not enough to understand what
was going on.

i saw it clearly yesterday. stopped. and got a little
concerned.

what's up with that??

i went back to where i started feeling this way.
because it really was just a short time ago i was feelin'
really happy again. i was doin' really well.

what happened???

and so i went thru a series of events....
and i saw how i handled those events.

i handled them well. i did what had to be done.
i took care of what needed taking care of. i was there
for the people who needed that. and i didn't torture
myself thru the process. i managed. i coped. i was
a fine example of a mature adult.

thing is...
without even knowing it i turned something off.

i'm thinking being a mature adult isn't all it's cracked
up to be. seems to me that goes hand in hand with turning
something off. no thank you.

i tried to tell my guy about it.
and the only way i could think to articulate it was to
say that i had stopped living with the body, mind and
spirit. seemed like i was only living with the body and
mind.

he understood what i meant. said it made sense considering
some of the stuff i was juggling and that he did that
himself quite a bit of the time.

he seemed to accept it as a normal way to cope and nothing
to worry about.

i wasn't convinced. i kept thinking about it....
'loss' is playing a huge role right now. in so many different
forms.

i went back to one particular loss recently, that i didn't
even pay attention to.

right there.
bam.
that one.

it was so big to me, and i just kept goin' like it was
nothing.

bam.

that's where i lost the spirit in me.
and i didn't even stop to notice.
but i can see it clearly looking back.

wow.
it's incredibly amazing.
and.....particularly interesting to me.....
it's a loss that the inner child of me would take
incredibly hard.

and to not even notice.
to give it away because i just didn't want to
cope with any more stuff.....

my 'spirit' and my 'inner child'....
i don't even know what those things really really
mean. if i had to define them, i couldn't.
i just know it's all part of me.
and i'm thinking those two parts are so directly
related, it's mind boggling to me.

so.
okay.
now what?

i'm not on board with this is an okay way to cope.
i appreciate my coping mechanisms and am glad i have
them. but i don't want them to take over.

i WANT to live with spirit mixed in with body and mind.

and i do think it's related to loss.

so.
maybe it's time to take back some things.

yeah.
that felt really good.
i like that idea.
take back what matters to you.

but what???

i thought of one silly thing that would be symbolic.

okay, it's a start.
i'll start there.

i'm not sure where to go after that....
but i'm gonna keep goin' til the spirit comes back
in me. i'm gonna keep watching and taking things i
need.

i woke in the morning.
tried to see how i felt.
did the spirit magically come back now that i figured it
out???

nope.

not there yet.

but as i was getting dressed, i bumped into that ring
of mine....i looked at it.
body, mind, spirit.

i slipped it on my finger today.....

i'm taking my spirit back.

not sure how.
but i know darn sure i'm not living without it.