the gold at home

i spent the first half of my walk coming
to grips yet again with some garbage floating
around the edges of my life.

again and again i come to grips. then get hit
again and come to grips again. the good news
is i get better and better about it.

and so i did.
i got myself to see the others in the situation.
to see their needs and their ways of meeting
those needs.

i realized very clearly that i have it down real
good in my head. a bit in my heart, and definitely
not in my cells.

if i had it in my cells, i wouldn't have that feeling
i was flooded with on saturday (see posts below).
i know when i get it in my cells, that feeling will
go away.

so with the ideas of the last few days in mind,
i deliberately turned to what i want in my cells.
i turned towards the 'i am worthy.' i turned towards
the beliefs i want to run thru me.

and i turned to my life. the life i have built on my
own. the life that is full of love.

i thought of a note i found yesterday while cleaning
my studio. a note from yo on mother's day. a note from
a then 19 year old telling me how he feels about me.
i cried all over again reading it.

terri....if you cannot see the gold in your life,
then you don't deserve it. it's everywhere. it's so
overwhelmingly beautiful. you have everything that
matters.

choose where you put your energy these next few
months, girl.

do you turn back to the pile of ick that you left?
do you turn back and cover yourself in that?

or do you turn towards the mountain of gold in your
life and hold that with the utmost care and gratefulness?

tough decision, huh?

grin.

perfect timing.
as i was thinking this question, i turned onto the
highway.

the highway where i leave my garbage.

i left the ick up there.

and i turned toward the gold at home......