habits, good and bad and new

been cleaning out my studio and thinking.....

yesterday, after i told him the fear of mine,
we were driving. and i told him about the bone
sigh i wrote:

'maybe being brave is no more than staring down
the 'less than' feeling and stepping up to the
'i am worthy' feeling.

we both agreed, it fit perfect.

as we drove, i thought about that staring down.
how it's so hard sometimes. but i would do it.

today, as i clean, i think 'oh yeah,i can do it.
it's not that hard. you just gotta hang in there
and do it.'

and then i go to how i felt yesterday.
in the heat of the moment.

it IS hard.

but if it wasn't hard and scary, why would i
consider doing it being brave??

helloooo terri....

and then i read mary's comment. about it
turning into a bad habit.

doesn't feel like that. it just creeps up on me.
and then it's so strong, i don't know what to
do with it.

stare it down.

but what if it's like she says....the more you
do it....stare it down.....the easier it will get.
maybe that's the forming of a good habit.

maybe the other really is some kinda bad habit.

it's a familiar feeling.
it's something that comes up when i'm in code
red or code blue or whatever the scary code is.

it's what i do when i see a certain situation.

maybe there really is something to the habit
theory.

how to change habits?

there's force.
grin.

but there's also the stepping to the side and
seeing things from a different angle....

and! there's also the concentrating on the good
habit.

maybe it's not the staring down part.
maybe it's the stepping up part.

maybe i've been trying so hard to stare down the
less than, that i've forgotten about stepping up
to the i am worthy part.

and she gets up and tries it again......