why is it always about trust??

big stuff came up yesterday. he pushed hard anyway.
he pushed me so hard he landed me right into the belly
of one of my biggest demons:

here's the bottom line:

deep deep deep deep down i am convinced that if you
give me long enough, it will become clear that i can't
give you what you want, and you will leave.

i will be a disappointment, and i will lose you.

it's so deep that when it surfaces, i am struck by the
depths i can feel it came from.

he told me he thinks everyone has that.
if we're all carryin' that, why aren't we sittin' around
talkin' about it?!!!

anyway.....

there's the pull.

i had that fear yesterday. big. huge.
i'm there. i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna let him down.

but i have to. i can't give myself away anymore.
and i'm terrified to be put in the position again where
i have to pick between me and someone i love. i've been
there too many times. and it sucks way bad.

so that's trust, right?
i don't trust he'll stay.
i don't trust i'm enough.
i don't trust he'll see enough in me.
i don't trust i can handle yet another sucky situation.

all of that and more....
so trust.

and at the same time, i trusted tremendously.

i thought out loud with him. i told him my thoughts
as they came thru my head. i was totally honest. didn't
edit them. couldn't look at him. but did say the stuff
out loud.

an incredible act of trust. i knew it when i was doing it.
i knew right then that there were two very strong opposite
forces working inside of me.

and as usual, he didn't waiver. he listened. asked things.
nudged gently. loved me.

it got too hard for me. i asked him to tell me about his dog.
a distraction. there was a story about his dog he was going
to tell me. i needed a break.

he held me. his voice whispering his story in my ear.

i felt his whisper and i closed my eyes and held every bit of
it i could.

and i knew that one way or another, this man was going to teach
me to be who i really am and to ultimately trust that i am
enough.