just a few thousand tears

wow.
wow.
i usually have pms BEFORE my period!
not DURING!

and i smiled so smugly this morning...
i haven't been an emotional wreck for
months with the pms stuff. i'm just so
together, ya know???

i've got it down! i know how to keep all
that in check! i've got it, baby!

grin.

yeah.
right.

so i've been crying on and off all day now!

so much for bein' so together.

it started with a friend's health status.

and hasn't stopped since.

the total non control deal.
lack of controlling my world.
gosh, i'm a control freak.

i want to change things for her so badly.
and all i can do is sit here.

my guy called on his way to the airport.
asked me if the reason i sounded like i did
was because of my friend's health stuff.

'yeah' i barely got out. and tears started
again.

didn't stay on the phone long.
didn't seem to have anything i could think of
to say.

so then zakk came down and asked me if i'd
seen our window box lately.
THAT'S the noise that woke me up this morning!
the window box fell off the front window!

well, i did want a new one.

so i'm out there cleaning it up.
zakk offers to help.
no, i've got it, i say thru tears.
the kid's a saint.
'what can i do to help, mom?'

'just get me the electric screw driver,
leave it on the porch and i'll handle it.'

'no mom, i'll do it.'

and i start crying.

'i want to do it.'

he backs off.
okay.
okay mom.

and as i walk the broken pieces to the
trash, i think that i want to clean it up.
give me one thing i can take control over.
give me one thing i can handle. give me one
thing i can clean up and make better.

and then, of course, i can't get the last
screw out.

so much for control.

zakk comes out to my rescue.

he asks about a new one.
a new window box.
if i'd like him to build one.

i think a moment.
ya know, zakk...i think i want to build it.

'let's build it together,' he says.

i cry with gratitude for him.

the kid can't get away from the tears!

then i come in to read a horrible story from
a friend about a loss in her life.

more tears.

i immediately pick up the phone and leave
a message for my guy...
'travel safe. come home safe.'

more tears.

i'm walkin' thru the living room with an
arm full of laundry. crying.

josh walks in as i'm walking thru.

mom?? what's wrong??

just a ball of emotions today, i say.

he laughs, hugs me and says 'oh, yeah, you're
crying for no reason, huh?'

i tell him about our friend. but just barely.
don't want to get into it.

i've been tear free for maybe a whole hour now!

when i first talked to my friend this morning,
i hung up wondering what i could find to be grateful
about her situation....

and interestingly enough, i was just reminded of
the importance of being able to feel. to empathize.

i was reminded of the art of living with all you have.

with all your heart.

and i remembered....that's one of the things i like
about my period....i feel deeper than ever during this
part of my cycle.

and all these tears? even to me, it's a lot of them...
they're a good thing.
and they're a funny thing.
and they're a gentle thing.

and they're what i found to be grateful for.

that i can cry them.
that i can feel.
that i can hurt so much cause i can love so much.

i have a feeling, it's gonna be one heck of a day.

i'm thinking my guy's prolly safe on that plane
thanking the gods that he had to go out of town right
now!!!

grin.

and i bet the boys wish they were with him!

but i'm gonna treasure the tears today.
and i'm gonna keep in mind the art of living....