learning how to live

okay.
my first reaction last nite was
fear and holding on. (see post below)

this morning i walked.
wow. is it cold out! my ears are burning
here just warming back up! felt fabulous.

and as i walked into the cold cold wind i
just felt how good it all felt.

and i thought about that.

i am filled to the max with wanting to live.

wanting to take it all in and savor it all.

i thought about it...
i turn 48 this year. and i feel like maybe
i'm just figurin' out how to really live.

i want to feel it all.

there will be the tough phone call this morning
to get the full report and to try to be a
support in a place where there's not much i can do.

that will be hard.

i want to feel it.
i don't want to close down.
i don't want to fill with fear.
i just want to feel.

there will be fun and laughter as i meet up with
my small business counselor today. i want to
enjoy every moment with him. i want to enjoy
the friendship we're building and the excitement
of trying to figure work out.

i want to throw myself into work when i'm here
and doing that....
and throw myself into the kids when i'm spending
time with them.

i've got errands today.
and i want to enjoy them.

when i talk with my guy on the phone, i want to
stop what i'm doin' and talk with him. i want to
hear his voice and listen to the slight changes
in his intonations as we talk of different things.

i want to feel and experience it all.

it's different than the fear i had last nite.
the holding on. the not wanting to let go.

i want to live it so that i can let it go.

and that's what i'm off to do today.....
one day at a time.