the shed door inside me......

ohmygosh i feel like i found a new best friend!

my midlife books came in. the one that's grabbed
my heart is 'awakening at midlife' by kathleen
brehony.

i practically danced thru the house after i
read her first chapter. (that's as far as i've
gotten so far!)

SHE UNDERSTANDS!!!!!

she talks of what's happening inside of me
and is explaining that it's all part of the
growth process. and can be like tectonic plates
crashing against each other!

no kidding.

'we must let go of who we are in order to become
who we are supposed to be.'

'the midlife passage is an entrance way into the
deepest layers of one's soul.'

and here's one that directly hit something i
was mulling this morning...

'the ego and all the values of our youth are in
deadly combat with the wisdom of the self...'

okay. so take that last line and go over here
with me.

someone made a comment on the blog last nite.
i posted it just before i turned off the puter.
but i wrote down part of it on a sticky note
on my desk cause it really caught my attention.

a piece of it reads: 'all the good
that has come out of your choice to be a
fully alive human being...'

i wrote down 'all the good from that choice.'

i wrote that down because as i read it, i
realized that i still haven't taken that in.

i know....i mean i really know......that some
tremendous good has come out of it and that
it truly has saved my life. (this would be my
decision to divorce and rebuild my life)

i'm just so way aware of the pain that it
has caused and the great losses that have
happened because of it.

thing is.....
that's not really true.
and yet i hang on to it.

the great losses were losses that didn't
have to happen thru it. none of them. not
one. but they were choices that people made.

and yet i carry more of that with me than
the 'good' that has come out of my choice.

could that be what that one line means about
the values of youth (my holding on to the
'bad girl' divorce stuff) in combat with the
wisdom of the self (my knowing i had to make
a change)???

and here's a big kicker....
i didn't consciously know i was still doing this.
i knew i did it in the beginning.
but thought i had let that go.
until i read that comment last nite and stood
still when i read those words.
'all the good that has come out of my choice...'

this week feels like the week of AHA moments.

i had no idea so many negative thoughts were
runnin' my insides.

and how about this?
so many negative FALSE thoughts!

ohmygosh.

rather than finding this discouraging this morning,
i'm finding energy in it.

it IS time to 'become who we are supposed to be.'

and i could use a bit of tweakin' here with
what i've been doin'.

and i actually want to tweak!

ha!

i am feelin' pretty darn excited about all this
this morning!

hopeful,even.

how do you put away false negative beliefs and
turn towards your deepest truths?

phhhhhhhlllllllphhhhhhhh
(raspberry noise)

i haven't a clue!

but i am so game to try today!
i think maybe cause i have a new best friend
in this book sayin' 'it's okay, you really aren't
a wacko crazed nutcase. and this is a good thing.'

i am off to go open the door to my shed.
josh just called. he was workin' in there yesterday.
he's worried a bird flew in and not sure the bird
every flew out.

i am off to open the door wide and let the bird
free........

is that symbolic or what?!