Tuesday, March 17, 2009

facing my fear

okay.
so i walked.
and i happened to be a few minutes early.
the time the construction crew gathers
in a circle just down the road.
they're off the road a bit, so they're
not in my way.
it's just that they are so close. and
there's so many of them.
and they're all so big and neanderthal like.

honestly, when they gather like that, i feel
like a tiny tiny squishable thing next to them.

on good days, i'll glance over and wave.
maybe say 'mornin'....on shy days i just kinda
keep goin'.

this morning i was feelin' kinda shy.

okay. good.
now. past them, i can get lost in my thoughts.

nooooo...they're all over the place.
drivin' by.
one drives by slow and says hello.
he absolutely made me jumpy.
he was so big.
he looked like hulk hogan.

and he seems so darn different than i am.

well, they're drivin' up to the other construction
spot i walk by. oh man.
and there they all are. right on the edge of the
street.

i gotta do this twice.

okay.
i am not lost in thought. i can't get to where
i usually get as there's neanderthals everywhere.
i'm tryin' to figure out why all these really
big guys scare me so much.

maybe because if they wanted to, they could really
hurt me.
oh yeah.
maybe that's it.

i walk by. say hello.
get to my goodmorningworld spot and pull out
this really cool seed a friend just gave me.
hold the seed in my hand and concentrate on my
new morning ritual of tuning in to myself and
loving me....

then i turn back to the burly men.

just two standing there now.
these two i feel a little more comfortable with.

a car drives by, i get out of the way.
one of the men jokes, good naturedly 'aren't you
afraid to walk on this road?'
i look at him, smile and say 'why because of all
the big guys all on it?'
and he laughs and says 'no. the cars drive crazy!'

lol!
the cars???
oh man.
if he only knew how much scarier he is to me than
a car.

so okay.

i'm walkin' and thinking.
i gotta make friends with these guys.
i gotta get to know their names.
tell them mine.

i almost turned back to talk to these two...
thought better of it.

pictured myself walkin' up to the morning circle
of men and telling them they kinda make me nervous
so i thought i'd come meet them.

maybe i will.....
i gotta do something.
they're part of my neighborhood now.
i think it's time to learn their names.
and get over this fear.

and then i smiled.
this is fear personified!
this if facing your fear in real life form.
i mean, it's not just in my head.
i can actually physically walk up to them
and say.....you scare me. and i want that to
stop and i want to say hello.

how cool would that be???

now.
can i do it?
maybe one at a time....
maybe all at once......

maybe not at all.

grin.

we shall see............

2 comments:

Lisa said...

yes we shall.......

Carmen Rose said...

Yeah, that's it! You go girl!