reluctant love....

funny.......zakk's got some song on that's
sayin' 'i ain't not nice guy after all'
and i thought of myself......

ya know, i'm not the sweetie pie that
a lotta people think i am.....i don't
always just love so freely and easily.....

i gotta do some reachin' out.
have had to do it for a bit now.
and i just haven't been able to.

a young man needs some help. some guidance.
some love.
and he's one tough cookie to give it to.
i've done so, over and over again.
and i've gotten hurt over and over again.
i've also gotten good things out of it......
it's been one heck of a road. some good.
a lot hard.

i took a break from him.
have no idea how to deal with him.
no idea how to be open to him right now.

i've been tellin' myself that's okay.
that i needed the break. that i can only give
so much. that i just didn't have it inside me.

tonite i meet up with his brother who also needs
some support and love.
and that's why i'm goin'.
i want him to know he matters and i care.

in thinking of tonite, i know i have to see the
other one really soon. i have to touch in.
i have to look at him and love him........

it's so hard for me to believe it's that hard for
me to give love to kid. just a kid.
it sounds so easy.
sounds so wrong that i can't do it just like that.
that i have to muster up my strength to go do it....

i sit here and think of why.
i guess cause he's hurt me a lot.
thing is......
he's been hurt a whole lot more than i ever have.....

maybe it's time for me to reach beyond my own pain
and once more go touch his pain......

i'll start with his brother tonite....and then move
on to him in the next few days.....

where did i ever get the idea that love was easy???