it's up to me

i actually had to push myself out on
my walk this morning. that's highly unusual,
and not a good sign.

i looked down at the road and felt pretty
bad about some things. i looked up at
the trees and the sky and felt totally
in awe of the beauty.

how can you feel bad when it's this pretty
out??

i'd look down at the street and feel the
wave of sadness.....look up and feel the
wave of awe.

ter, keep lookin' up. keep your eyes to the
sky.

and as i walked i thought of the love inside
me. i don't want it pushed outta me or
stamped outta me, or anything outta me.

i WANT that love inside of me. that ability
to give love and believe in love and live love.

but sometimes i feel like it gets knocked right
on out.

and then i remembered that river inside me.
i had been touching it daily. but the last few
days, i hadn't touched it at all. it had been so
easy to feel and reach before.

this morning it took some effort.
but i found it.

and i touched it.

and i had that knowing it gives me.
i could feel it.

it's entirely up to me what i do inside myself.
no one else has the power to knock stuff outta
me because i have the power to keep it in me.

this river reminds me that it's way more than
just a nice thought. it's true.
i have the strength to live love.

if you want it bad enough, ter, you'll do it.

my face got all determined.
i felt it.

i thought of two different things said to me
yesterday.
both showing surprise that i had made it as far
as i had with something in my life.
both saying they didn't really think i'd pull it
off.

i thought of that.
and my face got even more determined.

they have no idea.
that was just the beginning.

because it's up to me.

and for the first time i think i really felt like
a woman on her own.
i've been on my own for years now.
but it's all finally gelling enough now that
i can see that if i'm really gonna do what i want
to do....
then it's up to me.

and i can see that i'm capable of doing it.....

if i want it bad enough.

and i do.