the struggle

as straight and honest as i can put it....

i've got a situation goin' on that's gettin'
the best of me.
i keep tryin, and i think i've got a handle
on it. and then i lose my grip.
moments of feelin' insane have come up.
just feelin' like i can't handle this one.

there's a lot of turmoil.

so.
okay.

i know this for a fact......

if i focus on the gratitude and see the good,
i can change this around.

i know that.
i believe that.

inside tho, is this powerful force that's
angry, and frustrated, and tired, and grouchy.

gratitude doesn't look that appealing.

this is strong. it's big to me.
and it's important to me.

my insides want to head to the negative full
steam.

i am standing at an important place.

not even so much because of the outcome of
the 'situation'....but because of the choice
i make inside. for my life goal.

i know what i gotta do.
and at this point don't want to.
i just don't want to.

that's why i thought it'd be cool to put it up
here.

i'm gonna spend the next few hours trying to
get to a spot where i can go to the gratitude.

because i KNOW that's the direction i REALLY
want to go.

i just know the other direction is way easier.

i post this because, for me, anyway,
this happens at important times in my life.
and my choices matter.
and i find these some of the hardest choices
i ever make.

i think moments like this are really important.

the phrase 'follow your heart' comes to mind.
i like that phrase and believe in it.
thing is...
you gotta hear the whole thing.

if i followed what was on the top of my heart,
it'd be a whole different kinda thing than if
i follow what's way way down deep.

you gotta hear the whole thing.

and then you gotta have the courage to do it.

for all those who think i'm courageous.
i'm not.
i don't have the courage right now.
i really don't.

sometimes the stuffing just gets knocked
right outta me.

but i'm gonna try anyway.
because i've come way too far to take the
easy way out now.

thing is....
i get confused on what's right and what's not.

and then it occurs to me.
gratitude is never wrong, is it?
should be a pretty safe place to start.