triple woe

i have this thing in me that could use a little
tweakin'....
i have trouble seein' that i matter to people.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
i know.
old story.
i've been workin on it for years.

way way long time ago my then husband even tried
to tell me that i needed to see that stuff a little
more.

so it's an old old story.
and i'm tryin' to move on to new ones....
a lotta times i can.
sometimes i revert.

i saw something recently.
there was only one thing that could really explain
it...someone who i just don't figure i matter that
much to was reachin' out.

i saw it. cause,well, it was in neon.
but i dismissed it.
cause, well, i'm still living old stories at times.

and i think also because i've been hurt with this person
in actually believing i did matter, and then feeling
like i was a jerk for thinking that.

so there's been some yankin' around.
it's not all my dysfunctions.
mine dance with his.

but this morning as i think of it, something's changed
inside me.

i'm now doin' daily dunks in my inner river.

i can now go there and touch that and feel a little
steadier about things.
feel a little bit more at ease in allowing things to
be whatever they are.

nah, i haven't got that down like a habit or anything.
but i can touch in on it more than i could before.

and i actually think of doing it!

like with this.
i saw the neon sign.
turned my head and told myself it really wasn't
there.
then kinda tilted one eye over and said 'well, yeah,
maybe it is....but i don't want to get all trapped
and jerked around.'

and then i touched in on the river.

no need for traps or jerkin'.

you're strong, bright, aware........you're fine.
it will be whatever it is.

woe.
who said that?!

double woe.
who believed that?!!

triple woe.
*I* DID!!!

i am so diggin' this river.......