yeah...yeah....i did it!

smilin' shyly right now.
ya know......it woulda been really hard to come
here and say i blew it.
but i woulda.
cause i want to follow a journey here and
share it.

but......
i didn't blow it.

grinnin' like a kid right now.

i didn't blow it at all!!!!!!!!!!!!
(see post below)

but my gosh, did i have HELP from the universe!

first of all........i grabbed a book as i had
ten minutes in between things.
and the book just kept sayin' everything i needed
to hear.
i'll put some of the stuff up later.

i just kept gasping and thinking 'how is this
happening?! it's so dead on talking to me~!"

and then.......there were two things that got set
up to use as tools in my struggle that were just
handed to me. and they so helped.

anyway.
the points.

i honestly don't have a clue about 'the universe'
and all that stuff. i like to throw out there that
it heard me and helped me......but that's just light
hearted and covers my confusion of it all.

i do think that what happened was i was trying really
hard to open my heart and in that opening, things
could move in.

and that would be the talk of the universe helping me.
so however that works........i do think there's something
goin' on.

and it did.

i moved to gratitude like i said i wanted to.
i found it hard and requiring a ton of effort.

i concentrated on the far away goal instead of the short
term goal.

and i allowed myself to do it at a decent pace that
was real to me.
'don't push me' was in my head.
well....push......but only so much.
allow my own pace.

and i did.

i think that mattered a ton.

when the day was over, he looked at me and said he thought
it was amazing that i did what i did today.

and then he went on to something else.

back up, i said.
i want to go back to the amazing part.
grin.

cause he saw what i did.
i had a witness.
i did it.

and i wanted to kinda gasp about it with him.

but here's the bottom line.....
i handled something that's been making me insane.
yeah, great.
but i didn't solve it.
i don't have an answer for it.
sooooooo as far as fixing something or making it
all okay........i didn't.

and i'm sure i'll care a lot about that later on.

but the big goal....
of bein' who i want to be and moving towards opening
my heart and grabbing life.....

that goal was met.
and that was the harder one for me.

here's one of the quotes from the book i was reading:

we avoid suffering only at the great cost of distancing
ourselves from life. in order to live fully we may need
to look deeply and respectfully at our own suffering and
at the the suffering of others. in the depths of every
wound we have survived is the strength we need to live.
the wisdom our wounds can offer us is a place of refuge.
finding this is not for the faint of heart. but then,
neither is life.'
(my grandfather's blessings, rachel naomi remen)


woe.
i wasn't faint of heart.
and i did it.
okay, maybe just this once.
but i did it.
and i'm smilin' today.