ponderings

i sat outside last nite and looked
up at the sky....
i hadn't even thought of it til this
morning....but the pull to go sit with
the sky was a good sign at how big the
internal struggle was....

i looked at the clouds and wondered
how i'm sposed to learn to love someone
that i don't like or respect.

not a new question for me. one i can't
seem to find any answer for. i keep trying.
but nothing i do feels quite right.
there's an inauthentic feel to it.
and if i have that feel, i know it's the
wrong direction...

i pondered it some more as i walked this
morning. i came up with a lot of thoughts
that ran me around in circles.

until this one came thru....

what if it really is all about you?
what if you have to stop looking at the
other person?

thought that was a good intro to whatever
was coming because i know that's how a
healthy relationship works.

i know when i get hung up in what bob's
doin', i'm lookin' in the wrong direction
with us. i have to see what it is i'm
doing and work with that. i can't work
with what bob's doin'. bob has to do that.
and i trust he will. and he does.
we both have an agreement to work on our
own stuff and focus there. trust the other
to do their work. be there when they come for
help.

that's healthy.
when i start focusing on him, it gets
unhealthy.

okay.
now....the people i struggle with loving
aren't healthy. i can't count on them
to look at themselves and work with themselves.
if i could, there'd be no problem.

i can't count on their end of the deal.

but does that mean i stop my end???
i think what i've been tryin to do might be
to work both ends. to try to do the work
for both of us.

not sure.
but whatever it is, it's not workin'.

but what if i just look at me???

what if i go back to the 'light' concept that
has been intriguing me for the last week.

that i have light in me.
and i want to concentrate on that.
and grow that.

what if i put all this energy where i'm
confused and frustrated, and whatever i am
and put that into growing my light?

what if i grow my light stronger and stronger?

then.....couldn't i take it with me wherever
i go? including to these people i struggle
loving?

i don't have to hand them my light.
oh no.

i just have to live in my light when i'm with
them.

what does that mean??
what does 'live in your light' mean???
what IS your light???

i don't know.

is it god? is it love? is it what??
i don't know.
i just know of a feeling that i have no
words for.

so i'm just goin' on feelings.
okay.
that works for me.

and as i step into that feeling, it's
definitely a living in the now kinda thing.
i'm not worried about what's gonna happen or
what has happened. i'm in the present moment.

hmmmmmm......
the present moment stuff.
interesting that should pop in.....

i hate that stuff.
it's so so much work.

but i know it's right.
that's why i hate it.
grin.
cause i know i have to do it and it's not easy.

but this whole thing has me excited.
because it's not about them.
i've tried understanding and compassion....and yeah,
i can get that. i have that. but i still dislike them.
some of 'them' hurt me personally in deep ways, some
don't touch me at all, i watch them hurt others in
deep ways.

i do have judgments even tho i hear the voice inside
saying not to.

i'm not sure i don't want to have the judgments.
i'm not sure i want to get to the point where i think
'it just is' when i see abuse.

that part all confuses me.

i don't have any answers that make sense to me.....

but this concentrating on my light stuff......

it seems to focus my attention to where it will do
the most good.

it seems to encourage my own spiritual growth.

it seems to work in the only place i really have
any control......me.

and those seem like the right places to start.

so that's where i'm gonna try to focus with this
stuff....

i don't understand it....but i do have a sense
that if you grow your own light, you can ignite
the world.

at least your world.
and that seems worth tryin'.