research

so i went to him.
well.....wrote him an email.
someone who i view as part of the
chain of events that helped to cement
the 'i'm not worth it' feeling inside
me.

and no, guys, it wasn't my ex husband!

he was a friend.
still is.
which is why i could go to him.

told him what was on my mind.
that i needed to shake this stuff that
i can't get out of my bones.

told him i need to figure it out.

and that i wasn't asking him if he
thought i was worth it or not,
because i knew it didn't matter
what he said. it would just be words.

i totally understood that knowing
would have to come from inside me.

so that wasn't what i was looking
for.

told him i didn't know what i was
looking for, but i was looking anyway.

twice yesterday two different men
surprised me with how well they knew me.

he was one of them.

he knew me. understood.
and talked with me.

our conversation gave me something i think
will help me a lot.

i wanted to pass it on to anyone else with
this struggle.

altho, i had it on a very surface level already....

i think he helped me bring it down further
inside myself.

the way i would describe the feeling is
a young girl sitting on the ground looking
up with big, wide eyes. looking up at the
other person asking 'why? why won't you
fight for me?'

the whole concept is centered around the
little girl, her view from the ground.
the other person's angle is never really
seen.

intellectually i know that other people have
their own reasons.

but in my heart, i can't get the perspective
away from that sitting on the ground spot.
it's all about me.

the conversation yesterday helped me get it
clearer. helped me see that that angle that
i'm looking at it from is....for the lack of
any better word right now....really immature.

that maturity is standing up and looking at
all the angles. all the people involved.

and i think yesterday, i stood up.

i'm still hazy....haven't had enough time to
really hold it all. but i think it's significant.

i wrote a bone sigh years ago struggling with
this same kinda stuff....it shows i had the
concept down....but only in my head, i guess.....

it's called 'grace'

maybe grace is figuring out it’s not
all about you.
that people are doing what they’re
doing for their own reasons.
not yours.
and maybe grace is accepting that.


i think i've been workin' with that concept for
years now.

and i think i hit a new spot yesterday.
whatever motivated me to ask my friend,
was deep. and powerful.

i think asking, following thru, trusting that
feeling.....i think there's some power when
you ride on that wave....

and i think riding that wave, asking, and
hearing that it wasn't all about me....

i think it did something.

i'm sure i'm not done.

but for the first time ever....
ever....
i feel like it is something that i may
be able to get out of my bones.

and that...that absolutely brings me
to my knees in gratitude.