Monday, October 5, 2009

a comment on a comment

my beautiful buddy mary commented on the post
below and asked me what i thought.

never ask me what i think.
cause it just starts a ramble!!!

she comments that my being there for someone and
trying to help them thru their stuff is compassion
and not control.

and also that no one feels good/happy about sickness
and death. 'it's hard to rejoice over loss.'

agreed, mary.
whole heartedly.

i think i wasn't clear.
what else is new???

i lost someone once. a friend.
he died of a heart attack.

i isolated from all my friends, cleaned my
attic and painted my living room.
i refused to walk thru what i was feeling.
i was so angry.
i was so so angry and i just didn't want to
deal with anything.

i wanted to control when people die.
i want to make the time table.
i don't want people to just walk out on me
when i don't expect it.

or the time i lost another friend.
and i was cleaning out his house.
and i sat in his attic, packing boxes
and thought 'i'm not coming down out of
here until i figure out what life's all about.'

laughin' here.
that's what i mean.
i really did these things.

and while i think they're fair enough reactions
to losing someone you care about.....
i think they're things i do to make me feel
like i can control my world somehow.

when i isolated from my friends, i thought i
didn't want to have friends if they were just
gonna die on me.

mature, huh???

i was fighting against the total lack of control
i have of living.

when i walk thru something with someone, i am
working on accepting things with them. and that
is compassion and growth.

but i have a lotta not so mature moments.
i want to stamp my feet and say no fair i'm not
playin' if these are the rules.

well, guess what?
i am playing.
and i can play with eyes that see i have no control
and work with that, or i can play with eyes that
ignore that and pretend it's all different than it
really is.

i think, for me, midlife is the beginning of my
eyes opening.......

hoping that makes some sense......

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