Thursday, January 7, 2010

WD40 and me

weird thoughts.
not sure i can make any sense.
but i'll try.

since bob's recoopin' here, i'm tryin'
to make it nice for him. the only noise
we make when he's sleepin' is the squeaky
doors. so last nite, zakk got out the WD40
and i followed him to the bathroom door.
he sprayed the hinges, and bam.
no more squeak.

you are kidding me?! it's THAT easy?!
i'm 48 years old. how have i missed this??

grabbing the can, i ran to every squeak i could
find. the more i sprayed, the more delighted i got.

josh called right then.
'josh! i found this magic spray!!'
he laughs.
but i'm not kidding!!!

as i wander around looking for squeaks, i think of
how i need a WD40 for life. something to quiet all
the squeaks. i wonder about that. hmmmmmmmm.....

years and years ago when my heart hurt so bad i
didn't know how i could stand it, i tried to think
of what medicine it needed. in thinking thru it that
way, i found some ways to tend to it.

the memory came back to me and i felt like this would
be a similar visual. i just need to figure out what
my WD40 would be for my life squeaks.

well, it didn't take long for a squeak to come up.

as i was laying down to go to sleep, a memory came up.
unusual for me to have this one as i don't dwell on
these things much. it was a divorce memory. and it had
a loud squeak. i lay there in the dark thinking of it
and hearing it squeak good and loud inside.

okay. well this is prolly a spot for some WD40, i think.
what would the spray be i wonder.

forgiveness and compassion come to mind.

of course.
i need to forgive and be compassionate.

'i don't wanna,' i think.

i'm really really tired.
figure i don't have the energy right now and will walk
and think on it in the morning.

slipping out for my walk, i go right to the thought.
it's just not there. i just do NOT want to forgive this.

wow.
i'm kinda surprised at myself.
okay.
well maybe i just need some time.

hmmmmmm......

OR, i think, maybe that incident isn't where i'm sposed
to spray. maybe it's deeper than the incident.
maybe forgiveness for that comes from something deeper.

it took half a second before i could see this really
really rusty hinge on this one area of my heart.

oh yeah.
that spot just does not want to open.

wow.
i've never noticed that spot before.
wow. is it rusted shut!

how the heck do i even approach something so locked
up???

and then it hits me.
'little terri.'
my inner child.

anything feelin' this deep seems to be related to
her.

sure enough.
there she is.

and no kidding.......she's holdin' her own little can
of WD40!!!

ohmygosh.

i look at her, she looks at me.
then she holds the can behind her back.

sigh.

'not ready yet, huh?' i ask.

'nope.'

'i don't know what to do here,' i tell her.
'i get that you're not ready.
and i'm willing to wait.
thing is....we gotta open that part.
we got to.
if we're gonna do this thing we set out to
do, we gotta open it.

and we don't know how much time we've got,
ya know?
i know we shouldn't rush things. and i know
we have to trust the process and be patient.
but i don't want to wait too long.

so what do i do?'

'be with me more.' she says.
no hesitation.
no thought.
just straight out:
'be with me more.'

yeah.
yeah.
i know she's right.

it's not just an occasional walk here and
there when i touch in.....that's not gonna
work.

i don't know what the deal is, but i do know
that my healing will come thru my incorporating
more and more of my inner child into my life.

and i don't think the key for me is 'forgiveness'
of someone else. that will come thru the process
of using a different key...

the key of becoming more connected with my
inner child. loving her, responding to her,
seeing her.

i think the rest will follow......

3 comments:

Qn Dani said...

Sometimes it’s just about taking our inner child into our lap, holding her close, rocking her gently, and having the parent talk.

In my case the one where I told her that I was sorry for leaving her all alone in a big scary grown-up world having to make adult decisions that she shouldn’t have had to make because she was a child. That I, as the adult, the ‘parent’, was back, and that I would make sure she was loved, safe and protected. All those choices I had left for her to make, I would now be taking back because as the adult, they belonged with me, and were my responsibility, not hers.

Most importantly, I lovingly explained to her that she was a child and the only thing she was here to do was play and have fun, and dream, and color, and play dress-up and clean her room, and invite me to play and have fun when I got too serious with life.

And then I sent her outside to play, with the trees and stones she loved so much, because I had some grown-up stuff to attend to before I joined her.

Anonymous said...

I'll never look at WD40 in the same way...
Wonderful post!
D

Anonymous said...

Mother's, ya gotta luv em! Great job getting that room cleaned up;)
lol.

An anagram:

T - these
E - emotions
A - are
R - really
S - subversive, slippery, slimmey,
so-painful, surprising,
whatever S word you can fit in
here.

A thought: tears don't leave ruts, let 'em flow. thanks