Monday, March 22, 2010

way mellow

oooh a lot of stuff came up inside me this weekend.
lots of stuff.

funny how it does that from time to time.

i've been following the news of the catholic
church and the molesting stuff.

it's hitting my buttons like i can't even believe.

and something that i had never thought of with my
own experience.....(which had nothing to do with the
church, by the way.)

when i was molested,
i didn't tell anybody. i didn't say a word.

but somewhere, i guess, i figured if i did, someone
would do something about it. i'm not sure i ever really
thought about it. but i think there was an assumption
of that somewhere inside of me.

it never ever occurred to me that people would help
to cover that up.

this weekend i kept thinking of what it would feel like
to have that happen.

i am stunned that there isn't more of an uproar over

and so sad for all those people who got hurt.....and
then so hurt again by the reactions they got from
the people who should have taken care of them. and
that it's still going on.

there's a lot swirling in me this morning.
and that particular thing seems to cover
what's inside me.

why don't we take care of each other? why don't
we see? what could be more important?

feeling way way mellow today......


Pamela Jones said...

I think we didn't tell because we thought nobody would believe us -- that they would blame us -- that only "bad" kids attracted this kind of pain. The stories about the cover-up in the church hit our buttons because they say that we were RIGHT not to tell -- nobody DID believe these kids -- they WERE blamed -- and they were painted as "bad." And we know it isn't true, so all our buttons get pushed at once.

AkasaWolfSong said...

I agree with you Pam...I know for myself it didn't feel like I had said anything at all, when nothing happened? It is impossible to feel validated in an adult world when things are being swept under the rug as if they never happened.

I always felt like I was the 'dirty' child and teenager because it happened more than once to I just became invisible with it after a while.

Finally in my thirties it all came pouring out but did people believe me even then? NO!

It was....'why did you wait until now to say something?'

Plain and simple...people bury there heads in the sand when faced with something which is as hurtful and disgusting as this is.
It does not make a difference if it is the body of a church or the body of a child or is all one in the same.

And one thing I have learned is that not only the people who have been molested have been changed but I truly think that the people who never came forward to help in any way possible were changed too.
How could they not be changed? It must be hard to have knowledge that heavy and hurtful floating around in your psyche and heart and not feel the pain of it by not stepping up to alleviate the pain of a child/teenager.

Having to relive it in any manner pushes buttons deep inside me.

Merry ME said...

I agree with Pam.
When we were small, we trusted and believed.
Right up until someone stole that innocence. Then we had to try to choose who/what was right. Who to trust. My guess is when your foundation is rocked it is way hard to know the answers. So you keep it inside. Tragically, this is why "bad" people get away with what they've done for years and years. Who's going to take the word of a kid over a priest? It's too horrible to even imagine.

squarepegperson said...

ooooh, came over to comment not knowing WHAT I would actually say - then read Pamela's comment - and that's what I'd say --- I totally agree, Pamela!

And ter...OH! i echo what you said about why don't we take care of each other, why don't we see...seeing and hearing each other are the MOST important things..

it feels to me like being seen and heard are the foundational building blocks of our self worth - sucks that sometimes we've had to give that to ourselves (it's also wonderful that we CAN give that to ourselves - just saying) -- we all deserve to be seen and heard!!

Sorrow said...

((((((((((((((((((little terri))))))))))))))))))))))
feeling quiet with you...

Elizabeth @ If She Cry Out said...

I sometimes think that the encounter with deep violation makes us feel dirty because merely being in the presence of another human being showing such disrespect for the human soul and psyche makes us feel dirty. These are things no human should see.

When I read about and saw pictures of your doors project, I had the distinct feeling that you understood violence and desecration from personal experience and were speaking from a point of truth rather than mere anger or horror.

I wonder if your unwillingness to let that project be silenced has any connection with things you learned or felt from your experience of molestation? Whether or not, I am grateful for your artistic gifts and the honesty and heart you bring to them.