we can do this

so here's a thought.
it's come up before in my relationship and
then got hidden away again. and now, it's resurfaced
and this time is daring me big time.

what if you love somebody and trust them a lot.
okay, you don't trust them entirely, cause is
that even possible?? you don't know. but you
trust them a lot.

and parts of things you do trust entirely.

like you do entirely trust that your partner
will not deliberately try to hurt you.

doesn't mean you don't get hurt. oh no.
it's just they never try to do that. it happens
for millions of reasons, but none of those reasons
is that they tried to do it.

you're familiar with people trying to hurt, have
experienced that and know that one. and know that
that doesn't happen here. so you're solid on that.

so then.
mix that in with the belief that you're on the same
page in wanting the same things. you both want a
healthy loving relationship that brings out the best
in both of you.

so when you have a problem.
there truly is no reason then to curl into a ball
and hide, or put up the walls, or duck behind your
shield. because this isn't a war, it isn't a fight,
it isn't a harmful situation.

it's a misunderstanding.

a 'mis-cue'

can you believe that? can you go to your partner and
talk about it without walls, shields, anger or resentment?

can you totally trust their love for you and their
wanting goodness for you?

can you go with ANY hurt and say 'i know this is a
misunderstanding because i know you would never hurt me
like this.' and then believe that?

this is the goal bob and i have come up with.
and this is the goal that is totally exciting me and
totally scaring me.

it's asking me to totally believe in his love for me
and for him to do the same from me.

we had a conversation on the phone. i had initiated it
with 'i know we're on the same page and i'm committed here
and want to figure this out.' and i brought something up
that i really didn't understand. after many twists and turns
we came to this goal.

i leaned back in my chair and laughed. 'have you tricked
me here? have you led me to a place where i'm sposed to agree
to total trust in our love?'

i could hear his smile back as he said 'nope. you started it
in the beginning of this conversation.'

and so i had.

and so we had some time ago.

but now it's outlined, explained, put on the table for the
both of us to look at.

and we agreed....it's what we want.

can you believe in someone's love so much so that you don't
have to use your armor anymore? that instead of curling into
a ball, you curl into them and ask them what's up?

maybe lots of people do this, altho in my heart, i think very
few do.....i don't know.

but i know i never have.
i have always curled in to protect myself.
and now i find myself at a place where i believe i don't have
to.

a place that is daring me not to.

i'm taking the dare.
knowing that it will take a lot of practice.

and also knowing it may blow up in my face.

but there is no choice anymore.
i have got to try.
because for me now, i won't truly be living until i do
this. i won't truly open my heart until i do this.

i'm scared, sure it will be a ton of work....
and i'm also thinking.....we can do this.
we can really do this.