caves, skies, and followin'......

i sat on my front stoop lookin' at the sky.
my head held completely back tryin' to take the whole
thing in.....
gettin' a neck ache, i grabbed a blanket, threw it
on the wet grass and flopped flat on my back so i
could REALLY see that sky.

directly above me were a whole buncha puffy pieces
of clouds with this great dark blue underneath.
it was as if you were looking down from space,
seein' the clouds and the ocean underneath them.

it was all in this big circular area over my head.
i stared and stared and got lost in them.

a conversation i had last nite came runnin' thru
my head. there was one part that was really really
hard. involving a grief that will never go away.
my stomach had knotted up when i listened last nite.
as i lay there under the clouds, i could feel the
knots again.

place it in your cave, ter.
put it on the floor of your cave, and let it be
for now.

i pictured doin' it.
but it clung to me.
didn't want me to put it down.
clung to me like a scared kid clings to its mom.

why? i wondered.
why?

cause it's about someone who died.
and maybe if i put it down, i'll lose the someone.
the whole putting things down is about losing whatever
i need to lose.
and i'm not sure what all that includes.

fear of losing her sweet face.

her face will sparkle and shimmer, i told myself as
i put it down. that much you'll get back.
the rest you don't know.

and i put it down.

i thought of a dream i had last nite.
one of those weird ones. but the message was clear....

i'm still in two worlds. and i need to be in one.

that's the idea of the cave (see posts below).......
to drop it all and make one very real world.

i'm workin' on it, i told the sky.
and yet, i'm gonna take the time it needs.
i'm followin', i told the big fluffy cloud.
i'm watchin' and i'm followin'.

i looked at the sky..........so vast.
goin' on forever.

thought of my cave.......
hadn't thought of the size of it.....
think it's the same thing......
so vast...goin' on forever.

maybe i need to wander around a little inside
it while i'm in here waiting for things to sparkle...
you never know what you'll find.