where the growth is coming...

okay, the weirdest thing just happened.
i was on facebook tryin' to figure out some darn setting
that i can't get right. as i'm doin' that, i'm goofin' around
with whoever pops in. and i started out with that frame of mind.
just goofin.

but then it took a turn for me.
the subject was trust.
i commented that i felt it today.
(which feels real good...haven't lately)

and then someone commented back.

and then that topic led to me thinking about this quote:

'maybe grace is figuring out it's not all about you.
that people are doing what they're doing for their own reasons.
not yours. and maybe grace is accepting that.'

now here's the cool thing......
this white tree stuff i've been thinking about
(see post below)
i have watched and i'm really really not in the pit of blame.
i've been there.
done that.
i'm not sitting here thinking 'this person did this to me,
and this person did that'

i see a big ol' collective thing that added up in a certain
way. so i'm not even thinking about that stuff.

i'm thinking about growing my tree back.

then this quote comes to mind.

i remember the long struggle with trying to let go of
the blame. tryin' to be okay with where people were.
tryin' so hard to 'accept' where they were.

i still have stuff inside me. i know that.
i can think of someone in particular and still react.
but the thing is... that's life.
if it wasn't this person or that person, it'd be
that person over there, or this thing over here.

that's life.
it's part of the whole darn deal.

and i don't really care about that right now.

i care about growing my white tree again.

and that...that right there...feels way important.
it's taken me a long long time to get here.
and like i say, there's still stuff inside of me with
some people....

but mostly...mostly....that stuff is just side stuff.

last nite i worked on getting the black ash off where
the tree would sprout again.

i pushed off the ashes and burnt stuff......and i'd
push it towards certain people. just push it their way
and say 'here....you take this.......this is yours.'

and i just kept pushing it away.

i knew where i had to give it back to.
but i didn't stay there.
where i wanted to be was where i could picture the
tree sprout coming forth. that place. right there.

where the growth is coming.