a dark red moment

so i was offered a challenge.

a real challenge.

something hard.
really hard for me.
so hard, in fact, that i 'stepped out' of myself
for a bit.

what does that mean???

i don't know.

i just know when i hit certain things that feel
traumatic to me, i kinda feel 'beside' myself - literally.
like i check out and i'm operating from right next to me.
like i can be amazingly calm when i need to.
laugh at stuff, cook, have normal conversations,
all the while feeling completely like i left the building.

i thought just dealing with what knocked me there was the challenge.

silly girl.

the real challenge came when i was approached with another's
pain. the very person who knocked me outta my self to begin with.

when i saw their pain.
and i had to choose to offer real compassion or to keep holding
my hurt which i really really didn't want to let go of.

holding it meant to me that i could protect myself.
don't ask me to put that down.

don't even ask.

i wasn't asked.

i was just presented with this pain.
and left alone.

doing dishes, i marveled at the whole thing.
i talk a great story about wanting to be love.
oh, i can sit and tell you how much i want it.
i can sit and tell you how much i've worked at it.
but can i sit and tell you i met the challenges
that were really gonna move me along?

i didn't have the logical understanding of what was
going on, but i had a knowing as i did those dishes.
i knew that if i could put my hurt down and hold the other
in compassion, that i would be touching mystical stuff.

i knew that.

cause this is related to my trauma.
and i knew the power involved.

but i wasn't gonna do it.

i was choosing not to do it.

and then something totally unexpected happened.

as i whoosed the sponge around the dish, little terri stepped
right up and said just as easily and happily as if we were
going jump roping 'let's do it.'

that's it.

just 'let's do it.'

and she let go of everything else.

all the pain, hurt, trauma feelings, tears, ache....
gone.

let's just go love.

huh????

i stopped swooshing the sponge. stood there.
stammered to myself....but...um...wait...what about...um...
what about????

she was gone.
she was done.

if i was gonna follow the time was then.

i followed.

i knew i couldn't do it on my own.
and so i followed her.
she needs to lead me.
and she will.

this morning on the treadmill, i had a new music list.
as i did my thing i listened to that music...
songs that normally i would listen to with the attitude
of looking at people who've hurt me and just saying 'eat my dust.'
songs i'd listen to with the attitude of looking outward.
well that changed.

not this morning.
this morning every single song was speaking to my demons.
every single lyric was being sung to them.

and i was defying them. they weren't gonna hold me back.
they weren't gonna win.

i never worked so hard on that treadmill in my life.

i'm touching the dark red love stuff right now.
the real stuff.
and i figured this out........
it doesn't stop for the demons inside of you.
it goes past them.

i know this is only a moment in a long long journey.
but this is the first moment i've ever won quite like this.
yes...'won'....cause i won something over my demons this time.

and this time...for this moment.....they aren't holding me back.